Open Letter to All Readers

May14

To all….

I have a personal policy of never deleting comments and so far, I have stuck with that.  This is why I also have the negative comments posted.  I feel that I may have to change that policy because of one person, going by “J”.

It’s one thing to not agree with a lifestyle, but we are all adults here.  It’s not up to anyone to judge (yes, she is judging) or to tell someone that they are “wrong” in who they love.   Because we are all adults, we know what is right and what is wrong.  Those of us who are in love with married men know right from wrong.   We also know what we need to do in our lives and the lives of those we love.  We don’t need someone who has no clue about this to tell us that we need to “heal” or to give our men up so THEY can “heal” their families.    I have never encouraged anyone, either here or in my real life, to go find a married man to lure away from home.  In fact, there have been times when, in my replies, I have encouraged the OW to fully think of the consequences of their actions, especially in cases where they work together.

Unfortunately, “J” seems to have appointed herself judge and jury over all OW and has made it her mission to try to “cure” us of our “selfish ways”.    Each time she comments on a post, it’s not once, but several times, and it’s getting tedious.   I’m tired of responding to her because she will never get it.   She spews “statistics” and psycho-babble and personally, I have had enough.   It’s not fair to any of us to have to read her constant harassment.  We are not naughty children who need to be punished.

Now, I am not going to stop posting her nonsense at this time.  What I will do, however, is ask anyone reading if you are as tired of this as I am.  If I get replies that say to stop her comments, then I will.  But, as I said, I’m tired of this little game and am trying hard not to respond to her.  If anyone else would like to respond to “J”, feel free.

I’m sure she will feel superior and think that she “hit a nerve”, but as I said in a reply to her….I’m tired of beating a dead horse.  Of  course, if I try to explain things to her, she claims I am being “defensive”.   Whatever.  It is what it is.

Thanks, everyone!  Just let me know what you prefer:  stop the harassment or keep her posts?

Add “Bat-Shit Crazy” to My List of Titles!

May7
I’ve been called a whore, a home-wrecker, delusional and many other things, but now, I can add bat-shit crazy to the list!!!!  I guess by using these comments in a post, I’m proving that point!!!!  Bwahahahaha!  (That is my “bat-shit-crazy-evil” laugh)
So, I have someone who calls herself  “The First Mrs” who likes to comment on my blog.  The posts that I list aren’t made up…they are copied and pasted from her original comments.  The times and dates above each are the actual times and dates she sent the comments.  I have only changed one thing:  I took out the name she used in the beginning of one of her comments thinking that was MY real name.  One thing I will not do is use anyone’s real name to be published.
So…here goes….Her comments are in italics, my responses to her are in bold/italics.  The first comment was submitted on April 6 at 5:40 PM….
Submitted on 2013/04/06 at 5:40 PM

You do realize that MM lies to you, too? So, more than likely, MM tells you what ever it is that you need to hear about his W?

I find it hilarious the way you speak of his W/their M as if you know her/it.

FYI, your MM doesn’t D his W b/c … he doesn’t WANT to. She is foolish to stay w/him if she does, in fact, know about you. You are clearly ok with settling for W’s left overs. Your MM gets cake, cake, & even more cake.

You are right about this, tho. It is hard to have a civil D when the D is caused by your H’s A.

As for you, you have over come your own dysfunctional upbringing by destroying some one else’s M, and their child’s life. I pity you. You are a very delusional person.

It took me a while to get all the “Ms”, “As”, “Ws” and “Hs” straight, but, being the smart girl that I am, I figured it all out.

What you don’t seem to take into consideration is that my guy doesn’t talk much about his “W” (wife), so he isn’t telling me something that I need to hear.  Her name comes up rarely in our conversations.  In fact, it hardly comes up at all.  It doesn’t take a genius to know that she is not accepted by his family (even though they tried to bond with her), nor do they want her around.  What I know of his “M” (marriage) I hear from his family.  I don’t ask for information about that, but sometimes, they feel the need to vent.  

You’re right when you say he doesn’t get a “D” (divorce) because he doesn’t want one.  Well, you’re half right…he wants one, but he’s afraid that if he’s out of the house, his wife will take that opportunity to brain-wash the child against him.  She already has the poor girl hating his family, which started before he and I started visiting them.  He is entitled to feel as he does and I’m not going to force the issue.  It’s his life and his marriage.  He saw his parents’ inability to reach agreements with him and he doesn’t want the same to happen with him and his daughter.

As for how it’s hard to have a civil divorce because of the H’s (husband’s) A (adultery), the marriage collapsed before I was brought into this.  My “dysfunctional upbringing” has nothing to do with the fact that I happened to fall in love with a married man.  It’s not something I looked for, but it’s what life threw at me (us).  In fact, I learned from my parents’ mistakes.  I didn’t stay with my husband when I knew my marriage was a lost cause…I knew I could make a better life for me and my kids without him.  But, I was in control of all visitation and I knew that I would never deny my ex visitation for any reason.  Not all women will do that.

No matter what the circumstances for a divorce, your feelings need to be put aside if there are children involved.  No matter what a spouse does to you, he or she is still the other parent of your children and you can’t talk bad about that person. ( Of course, there are exceptions to that, like in cases of domestic violence and raging alcoholism where any child could be put in danger.)  In my guy’s case, HE would not be the one holding the cards in the visitation hand of any divorce.  I would hate to see him and his daughter lose years of knowing each other because of bitterness.  The bitterness was not my fault, either.  If his wife didn’t emotionally abandon him, I would not be in the picture.

Delusional?  No…I’m not delusional.  My MM and I have discussed how by faking a marriage, his daughter will be harmed, but he feels she’ll be fine.  Personally, I think she’s going to need some therapy, but, again, not my place.  He needs to do what he feels is right by her.  If that’s the wrong decision, well…I told him so.

Now we jump to April 8 at 7:10 AM…..

Submitted on 2013/04/08 at 7:10 AM

OW, you crack me up. Your level of bat-shit-crazy is utterly hi-lar-i-ous!

There it is!!!!   I’m bat-shit-crazy!!!!  At least I have the power to crack you up!  ;-)

On to April 9 at 1:02 AM (I guess I’m good reading material!)

Submitted on 2013/04/09 at 1:02 AM

************, you are so utterly deluded, I find myself literally lol’ing at what you have to write. :)

Now I have gone from being a “very delusional person” to “utterly deluded”.   Again…at least I still have the power to make someone laugh.  :-D

And we’re not done yet!!!!!  Here we are on April 10 at 6:33 PM

Submitted on 2013/04/10 at 6:33 PM

You say: At 10, she should be able to understand that she would probably see her dad more if he wasn’t living with her.

This makes no damn sense!

Followed by this: I miss not knowing his daughter. When I go on vacation, I always make it a point to bring something home for her.

You have FAILED in your effort to replace his wife. Now you want to replace the wife as MOTHER of her own child?!?

You can deny that all you like, as you didn’t actually type out the words. I’ve read your entire blog. The fact that you desperately WANT to replace his wife, but have continuously failed for the last 11 years comes through loud and clear.

I’m sure that WH gives your gifts to his child. You really are in denial, OW.

There is absolutely NO universe in which his daughter is going to accept you. The fact that you are trying to buy her speaks to your level of desperation.

The only hope you ever have of getting WH is if his W finds out, kicks his rump to the curb and divorces. He might then settle for you. Or not.

So, you can’t see how not living in the home my MM’s daughter will probably see him more?  Let me explain:

He is with me right after work and gets home when his daughter is in bed.  He says a quick “good night” to her, then it’s time for him to get to sleep because he has to be up at 5:00 AM to get to work.  He works all day Saturday, then he’s with me until 1:00 or 2:00 AM.  During the summer season, we work together most Sundays at our weekend job. 

If he was living with me, he would be able to get his daughter after work and take her for dinner a few times a week.  That’s more than what she’s getting now.  She would also be able to go to our jobs on Sundays and maybe help out.  More time to spend with Dad.  I don’t have to work these jobs, so I could stick with her to make sure she’s totally safe.  Does that make me want to replace her mother, or just play “babysitter” for a day?

You seem to be under the impression that I am trying to “replace” his wife, but that isn’t the case.  I’m quite content with the relationship as it is.  Yes, I would like to know his daughter, but that’s not possible right now and I don’t know if that will ever be possible.  Even if  my MM and I end up living together at some point, I will not want to be a “replacement mother”.  She has a mother and that will never change.  I’m not about to take someone’s child away from them.  Goddess knows that I raised my two boys and I don’t want to raise someone else’s child.  That doesn’t mean that I can’t care about her well-being or wouldn’t be there if she needs another ear to listen if she has a problem.  I would care for her as I care for the younger children of my friends.  I also would never try to turn her away from her mother (because that is what you seem to be implying). 

I don’t know where you get that I want to replace his child’s mother because I bring her something back when I go on vacation.  You say that I’m showing desperation by trying to “buy” her.  By “bringing something back” I mean that I’ll bring her a pretty shell that I find, or a key-chain or one year, I brought a small vial filled with sand from my beach with tiny shells mixed in.  I doubt very much any of these things would “buy” a child’s love and acceptance.  His daughter knows me as a friend of her father’s and the “mother” of my two fur-babies that he brings home when I’m on vacation (my condo association doesn’t allow pets) and I’m the one who watches HER pets when they are away.  So, yes, he does bring his daughter the stupid little things I bring back for her.

I refuse to go over the same dead horse over and over again about how his daughter will not accept me….EVER.  I have said that my MM (WTF is “WH”?!??!?) and I have discussed this subject.  The longer the lie goes on, the less chance there will be of being accepted as even just a friend, nevermind her father’s girlfriend.  

I have not FAILED to take my MM’s wife’s place.  I never tried to take her place.  Yes, this relationship has been going on for 11 years, but I’m not looking to be anyone’s wife.  This would be the case even if I was seeing a single man.  I was a wife…been there, done that, got the divorce.  I don’t need to be married.  

Now I need to point out that you are taking my situation and comparing it to yours.  You are obviously still bitter about your husband’s affair.  I don’t know if the wound is still fresh or if you’re letting the bitterness grow and fester instead of moving on with your life.  Just by your many comments to me, I can see that you can’t let go of this hurt (that also shows in your email address, which I will not make public here).

Maybe you were a wonderful wife who doted on her husband.  Maybe you had no idea that he was cheating on you until it came up to bite you in the face.  That sucks…and I don’t mean that sarcastically.  It really and truly sucks.  But, I can tell you that my MM is NOT like your husband.  He married someone who stopped loving him.  Their lives took different turns, but for reasons of their own, they will stay together, but live separate lives unless there is something they must do together for their daughter. 

I hope that you are able to let go of the hurt, because if you can’t your life will continue to be miserable. 

This person obviously doesn’t agree with my relationship with a MM, yet she kept reading and responding.  She is a prime example of those who cannot accept that sometimes, life throws us curve balls.  I never thought that I would be in a relationship with a married man….NEVER!  But, never say never.

For The First Mrs and those who feel the same as she, I need to again say that most OW did not set out to look for relationships with married men.  Marriages fail and affairs happen.  Some are one-night stands while others, like mine, are long-term.

Personally, I don’t agree with women who actually DO look to meet married men.  I don’t understand actually searching for this kind of life, but, it happens.  I suspect that many of these women aren’t in it for anything long-term, they are just enjoying the moment.  Is an affair all the fault of the other woman, no matter what the circumstances?  No….absolutely not.  But, the OW  gets all the blame.  SHE is the “home-wrecking whore”.  What about the men who allowed the affair to happen knowing that they are married (at times to great women who do nothing but love them and want to make good homes for them)?  They never seem to get blamed for this.  It’s always “Boys will be boys” or “Men weren’t made to be monogamous”.

I’ve said it before and it’s worth repeating:  A man who is happy in his marriage will not cheat!  He may look, but he won’t touch because he respects and loves his wife.  “But, honey, I was drunk” doesn’t fly as an excuse.  A happily married man who has a great wife should know his limits and to not put himself in the position to be “seduced” by another woman.   But, a one-night stand with a stranger is one thing; a long-term relationship that is both emotional and intimate  is another.  That means there is REAL trouble in the marriage.

No affair is the same.  They happen for many reasons.  Black and white don’t apply to this topic.  Don’t try to make them apply.

 

 

 

 

Why Can’t His Wife Try to be Civil with His Family?

Mar3

People have asked me in their comments “How do you know his wife doesn’t care?”  Well, the past few weeks have been awful and her lack of caring is perfectly clear.

My MM’s 50 year old cousin was diagnosed with cancer about 5 years ago.  Last week, she lost her battle.  We had spent the last two Saturdays visiting her in the hospital.

Before they were married, my guy and his wife (then girlfriend) lived in the same house as this cousin, so they knew each other well.   I knew this and asked when he and his wife would be going to the viewing so that I would not run into them there.  He told me that I would be going with him to the wake and funeral because his wife would not go to either.  I was pretty much stunned by this.

This was a woman who did nothing but try to be friends with his wife, but his wife wouldn’t give her a chance.  She hates everyone in his family, and they grew to hate her because of it.  The one person who loses in this situation is their daughter, because she has a whole family she doesn’t know.  She doesn’t want to know them because her mother has poisoned her mind when it comes to his family.

So, we were at the viewing as a couple.  I sat with the family and walked his elderly aunts to the ladies room to make sure they didn’t fall.  After the viewing, one of his cousins and his 95 year old Aunt Ruth met us at a diner for a late supper.  My man stayed with me that night because the funeral was going to be early the next day.

No one asked about his wife; it was expected that she wouldn’t be there.  Do I find it odd that his family accepts me like they do?  Of course I do!  They never all his wife if they need help with anything and they never call to invite her over, but they call me at least once a week to come over and play board games.

Yes, my relationship with this MM is so different than any other that I have heard of.  We are always out in the open; never hidden.  It’s not always like this when dating a married man or woman.

I’m glad that I’m accepted and I’m glad I got to say “good-bye” to a wonderful woman.  One thing I feel bad about is that his wife, the one who SHOULD have cared, didn’t.  She should have put her feelings about his family aside for this.  I also believe that his tween daughter should have been there to at least pay her respects and meet her cousins.

RIP, Kathy…you were a wonderful friend and mother.  You will be missed.

What If…..?

Jan18

Lately, I’ve been feeling like I need a change.  A new hair color or cut won’t do it…I mean a REAL change.  Maybe it’s just winter talking, but I’m miserable now that it’s cold out.

Every now and then, I go through periods where I feel like I need to move down to my Florida condo permanently, but once I focus on the “no four-legged pets” by-law, I change my mind.  When I had one quiet dog, I could hide him for a week when I went to visit.  I’d throw him in a backpack and even if I ran into someone in the elevator, they never knew he was there.  I’d take him out of the pack a block away from the building for our walk, then put him back in the pack just before we got back to the building.  It was nice and easy.  Now that I have two dogs, unless they change that by-law, I’m screwed.   OK…so it’s not just the dogs; I also have 4 bunnies and I’m not giving up any rabbits’ feet.  The only “legal” pet I have is a ball python, but would I piss off the condo gods when it was time for his “dinner party”?  All I need is for one of the old fogies to see me coming home with 5 white mice.

Anyway…every time I thought of moving to Florida, I thought Lauderdale condo.  Something changed on this last vacation:  I realized that if I sold my house in NJ, I could actually buy a condo in Key West!  This little epiphany hit me as my friends and I were walking down a side street in Key West and I saw a house with a “For Sale” sign in front.  DUH!  Yes…people LIVE there!!!!

Actually, I think this may be the only part of Florida that I would be absolutely at home in.  I did my research.  According to statistics, the hottest day on record in Key West was 97 degrees in 1880 and the coldest was 41 degrees in 1981.  Considering where I am now, we’ve had some weeks where the temperature has been over 100 degrees or below 20 degrees.  Hurricanes, you say?  HA!  For some reason, the keys aren’t really hard hit.  Yes, there have been some, but I could always plan to be out of town when a big one is set to hit.  I could deal.

My guy has been working long hours rebuilding the plant he works at after Hurricane Sandy destroyed much of it.    There never seemed to be a good time to discuss my “possible moving situation” with him, but I made the time the beginning of January (new year, new plans).  He knows I’ve been miserable here for quite a while (none of it having to do with him) and that I would be selling my house in the near future to get out from where I am.  The thing is, he always thought that I would be moving closer to where he lives, which is in the sticks.

January 4, I sat him down to tell him that I will NOT be moving to the middle of nowhere alone.  I told him that the only way I would consider moving closer to where he lives would be if he moved in with me.  If he couldn’t figure out a way to make that happen, then I would be looking in Key West unless he could find me a nice little house in a small town that I fell in love with.

He knows that this is going to take some time, but he also knows that I plan on going to Florida this year to spend Christmas and New Year’s Eve in Key West with some friends.  At that time, I’ll be looking at some properties that I will have picked out from online sources.

I don’t know if he would be able to make a move out of state with me right now because of his job.  I can’t ask him to leave a job with a good pension to follow my dream.  But, he also knows that I’m serious.  I didn’t give him an ultimatum; even if I move, we can try a long distance relationship, but he will have to make an effort to come down to see me every now and then.  I’ll still have one son in NJ, so I’m sure that I’ll be back every now and then, too.

During the year, we’ll be having these little talks about my move because he tends to think that if he ignores the issue, it will go away.  He needs to be prepared for when it actually happens.  Right now,  I feel that there are more opportunities, job-wise, down there for me.  If I can swing it, I’m ready to go.

So…we’ll see where this year takes me.  Right now, things will stay the same with me and my MM, but he has some thinking to do.  I’m not going to push; he has to figure things out on his own.  If he thinks a long distance relationship will work, that’s fine by me.  I could be perfectly happy in a new place.  Besides, I’m sure that by living in a paradise like Key West, I’ll have plenty of visitors!!!

The Other Woman’s Vacation with the Girls!

Dec24

I just got back from vacation.  It was spectacular!!!

Thanksgiving night, I picked up my friend, Janet, and we started the long drive down I-95.  I love the drive, but this is the first time I was doing it mostly at night, so having Janet along was great.   I was, however, happy to see the sunrise when we were somewhere in Georgia!

OK…so….I do this once or twice a year.  Sometimes I go alone, sometimes with friends.  Sometimes, we just hang out at the pool, but this trip, we decided to have some adventure.  Janet and I originally planned on leaving the Friday after Thanksgiving, so our friend, Lana, was going to fly in on Saturday so we could pick her up at the airport.  Leaving early gave us some time to rest after the long drive.

The one thing we HAD to do this trip was go to Key West.  Janet and Lana had never been there and every time I had been there, I could never see the sunset in Mallory Square (it was usually cloudy), so Monday morning, we were off again.  It was a gorgeous day!!!   It’s always nice when you’re driving through the keys down Route 1 and the weather cooperates.

We had plenty of time, so we stopped by the Coral Castle…one of my favorites!  If you’ve never been there, it’s in Homestead, FL.  The history of the place is amazing!  It was built by one small man, but no one seems to know how he did it.  He had no help, yet set these huge coral blocks in place.  He built his “castle” for his true love, who never got to see it.  Originally, it was built in Miami, but was later moved (by the builder, alone) to Homestead.  It’s not a big place and is easily missed even though it’s right on Route 1,  but it’s interesting to see.  There’s a built in tour that tells the history of the place; all you have to do is press a button on the strategically  placed kiosks, so you’re not confined to any schedule.

As I said, the weather was beautiful!  The view from every bridge was perfect, especially for two people who had never seen it.  We got to Key West, found a motel, then set off for shopping, dinner and sunset!   We found a table right on the edge of the patio, ordered our munchies and drinks, then waited for the “show”.  I was a bit worried because about 100 feet from us was a docked cruise ship waiting to sail (that would not have made for good sunset viewing).  The ship waited, the view was unobstructed by clouds and our life was good!  The next adventure was for Lana:  SHOPPING!  Some of the shops and kiosks in the square are incredible.  Since it’s a pretty artsy place, just about everything is hand-made and unique.

We fit as much into those 2 days as we could.  We stopped at every shop and bar on Duvall Street, I introduced them to Kermit’s Key Lime Pie on a stick and we visited Hemingway House.  I never actually took the whole tour before.  Cats, cats and more cats!!!!  All six-toed.  They have the run of the place.  As we were getting our tickets, the lady asked if the 4 of us were together.  Hmmmm….I THOUGHT there were only 3 of us….but there was some random guy standing right behind me.  I just told the lady that there were 3 of us, but if my “friend” wanted to pay, he was welcome to do that.  We had a little banter going back and forth until his wife stepped up and gave me the evil eye!!!  LOL!  OMGs!  Trust me when I say, this man was SO not my idea of desirable.  We were in Key West, so the male tourist thing is Bermuda shorts and sandals (with socks!!!!!) and a gaudy print shirt <shudder>.  Well…this guy was following us the entire tour and his wife was right behind him.  When we went to the balcony, I stayed away from the edge thinking there would be an “accident”.

Everywhere I go, I seem to make friends.  This amuses Janet and Lana to no end and they love telling Paul all about my “flirting”.  This is   made easier for them to do since my car has a Bluetooth connection and he usually called as we were on our way somewhere (he has impeccable timing!).  They told him about the guy at Hemingway House, the guy at the gas station store that helped me find tea, the guy in the t-shirt shop….everyone I said “Hi” to, according to them, I was flirting with.  Of course, to hear them tell it, my eyelashes were batting so hard they felt the breeze!  My guy is used to this.  Everywhere we go, I do the same thing.  He finds it amusing too.

Last year when I was in Key West with my friend, Natalie, we stopped at a bar that gave us coupons for two-for-one margaritas.  Needless to say, I was snockered!  I was taking pictures of the strange guys that tried to pick us up and other sites along the way.  We were in a t-shirt shop and the owner happened to be from NJ and told me how he loves it there and that I should move down there and we could live happily ever after.  So, my guy picks this time to call.  The conversation went like this:

Me:  Hi, honey!!!  I’m in a t-shirt shop talking to my future husband 

Him:  Uh, huh…..

Me:  Yep!  We just had a zillion margaritas and my future husband is helping me find some gifts.

Him:  Uh, huh…..

Me:  So….honey….I’m going to move to Key West and work in a t-shirt shop, OK???

Him:  Uh, huh…..So, is Natalie sober?

Me:  You’re funny!!  Of course not!

Him:  OK.  You’re not driving, are you?

Me:  No…we’re sort of walking.

Him:  OK….I have to run.  You have a good time and I’ll talk to you tomorrow.  Say “hello” to your future husband for me!

My friends can’t understand how he can be so “understanding” about these things, but I tell them that he knows he can’t complain because he goes home to his wife every night.  He can’t tell me who I can or can’t talk to.  But, he’s really not the jealous type.  His attitude is that I could talk to whomever I want, but he trusts me enough to know that even drunk, I’m not about to do something stupid (like marry some guy on a whim and work in a t-shirt shop ).  It’s all about trust.

When the week was over, the three of us got in the car and headed north.  We took our time, stopped at the Fountain of Youth, stopped for a few “sit down” meals, stayed overnight somewhere in North Carolina, then continued on home.

All in all, we had a great time!  In the beginning, I used to miss having my guy with me, but now, I love girls’ vacations!

I talk to my man every day and send him pictures as we’re going along, so he’s kind of there with us.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Festivus for the Rest of Us!!!

Dec23

As the OW, holiday times are tough, especially if your MM is still living with his wife or girlfriend because there are kids involved.   This is when we have to be “creative”.   Quite a few years ago, I started a “Festivus Tradition”.  Now, not being a Seinfeld fan, my guy thought I was out of my mind!  I explained it, then made him watch the episode where George and his family celebrate “Festivus for the rest of us”.   This is now OUR holiday.

Since yesterday was Festivus Eve, I planned a nice dinner of filet mignon, lobster tails, roasted potatoes, sauteed onions and salad.  After work, he stopped at the liquor store to surprise me with a new beer (I love anything with a weird name), then he was here helping me with the dinner prep.  We had a massive beef tenderloin…seriously massive at 25 lbs….so after he cracked open a couple of beers, he cut it up into individual portions, while I wrapped the filets we weren’t eating for the freezer.

The potatoes were roasting, the onions were sauteing, butter was being melted, the salad was made and the lobster tails were out of the shells and about to be broiled.     Life was good!!!  Dinner was better!!!  OMG!!!  SO good!!!  We are carnivores, so our steaks were a bloody rare, the lobster was perfectly cooked (he did that part)…everything was great!  All through the preparations, dinner and clean up we talked and laughed and had a grand old time.

Because my guy has been working a lot of overtime, we don’t really have much time to do what we normally do on Saturday nights; watch movies.  So, after dinner, we snuggled up to a very “mature” viewing of Mr. Popper’s Penguins!   This is one of the reasons why I love this man; we can watch a “kid” movie and he won’t complain.  This is a good thing since I’m a big fan of Pixar!

We don’t exchange gifts…we don’t need to.  We do enough for each other throughout the year, so we decided that gifts are unnecessary.  Our Festivus celebration consists of us just enjoying each other’s company and having fun.  We light the Festivus tree (I don’t have a Festivus pole), which is made up of pink feathers decorated with purple lights and balls and then just hang out.

This may sound boring to some, but this is how we like it.  We got to spend a good amount of quality time together, which is rare lately because of his OT schedule, and quality time is always good.

On Christmas Eve, we have been invited to my guy’s aunt’s house.   His daughter is in a Christmas pageant at church, so he will go there, then stop at his aunt’s before he has to pick up his mother-in-law.  My one “nag” of the night was that he should bring his daughter with him.  The girl has been poisoned against his family for far too long and she should at least meet them, if not get to know them.

This is the thing that bugs me about him:  he has let his wife poison their daughter to anyone on HIS side of the family.  He needs to end this.  His aunt is 88 years old and the last time she has seen his daughter was around 11 years ago.  He said he would try to talk her into going.  TRY???  No…he needs to tell her that in life, we all need to do things we maybe don’t want to do and to spend 15 minutes with his family won’t kill her.  The problem is, if his wife knows he’s planning on bringing their daughter, she will not allow it.

But…enough of the venting.   The Festivus celebration was terrific and we will continue celebrating with his family either with or without his daughter tomorrow night on Christmas Eve.

I know it’s a tough time of year for all other women (and their men), but we will all get through it!  Try to enjoy every minute you have together.  Make your own traditions for this holiday season and for every other holiday throughout the year!  Happy holidays, everyone!!!  Cheers!!!!

The Other Woman’s Port in a (Post-)Storm

Nov3

Hello Everyone!!!

I’ll be down for a bit because of Hurricane Sandy. Stuck without power. I’m sitting in the library now, charging all my stuff, but would you believe the library has no Internet???? Thank goodness I got a “rocket” so I can connect while traveling! I’m the only one here on line. People hate me! LOL!

My guy is working 7 days a week, 12 hour shifts, so our contact is limited to phone during commutes. Good thing I have my Kindle Fire to occupy the time at night. Charging it now for later, so life is good.

I hope everyone is safe and warm. Will post soon!

The Delusional Other Woman?

Oct16

It’s been a long, busy summer for me.  This is pretty much the first time I’ve had a chance to sit down and post.  Sorry!

I have been reading all the comments sent to me, and I’m glad that there are some married men commenting.   It’s nice to get some feedback from these guys, but from some of the comments, I really don’t think they grasp that not all men in an extra-marital relationship are the same (even though some commented on the post “Are All Cheating Husbands the Same?”).

I, for one, am not delusional when it comes to my relationship.   I know that even though his wife must know about me, yet hasn’t yet confronted him, that could change at any time.  I have never been told by my MM that his wife has no clue.  I guess his home life is run like the military; don’t ask, don’t tell.   Yes, I believe she does know because I can’t see how she DOESN’T know, but I will not encourage him or anyone else to throw our relationship at her.   She obviously likes living in her cocoon, safe from having to live on her own.

I received a few comments from a Former MM.  I’d just like to address some of the things he said.  While I agree with some, I do not agree with others.  He seems to lump all men having relationships with other women in the same category.

Former MM says (His comments are in bold, my responses are next to his, but in italics):

Unless the MM is suffering from some mental issues, he will exhibit some very classic traits that when viewed all together.. will likely have the wifes gut screaming.. Even if she has no concrete proof of an affair.. She will eventually know something Is up

1. Phone never leaves the side. Password protects everything  (his phone is with him at all times.  His job requires it.)
2. closes computer window when wife comes in room  (he absolutely HATES computers!)
3. Reduction in intimacy    (his wife rejected him time and time again.  This is what eventually made him turn to me.)
4. Will be snippy to downright snarly with her and kids  (can’t say.  I’m not in the home, though I know she is “snarly” with him.  I never heard him talk snippy to his child)
5. Goes out and is unaccounted for or unreachable for hours  (he’s reachable by phone always.  Even when he’s with me)
6. Changes appearance  (didn’t happen.  Neither of us thought to even ask the other to change anything)
7. More grooming. Manscaping becomes a thing.  (Ew.  No way)

While this may be true for some, it’s not true for others.  (Good…some acknowledgement here)

Affairs never happen in a vacuum. Emotional states will shift, and patterns of behavior will change. While I did eventually confess to my wife, she had been on to me for months. She just didn’t have any proof… yet.

Just because your MM says their wife is completely unaware.. don’t believe it.  (I have never been told she doesn’t know)

Another comment went on to say:

Actually.. I think the overwhelming majority of MM in affairs are basically the same. I guess that was my point. Save for a few minor details someones MM is not that special snowflake. The ugly truth is that they almost all behave in a similar manner. I have seen how myself and others have acted and there are a lot of very stark similarities.

The common lies.
Staying for the kids  (This happens more times than a lot of people realize.  It’s not right, IMO, but it’s what the MM needs to do if he feels it’s right  for the child)
Spark out of the marriage.. its over.  (It happens.  In this case, he tried to make things work when his wife first told him she didn’t want to be touched in any way)
Sexless.. no intimacy.  (Again…this happens more times than is realized)
Separate rooms/beds  (My guy has his own room)
My spouse is cheating on me.  (Not something I was ever told)
I’ll be filing for divorce once we’re in a better place financially.  (Another thing I was never told)

Some of these points may actually be true. But they are still excuses. If life were really that bad.. they would get the divorce.   (Not really.  I’ve seen what some people do to drag out a divorce just so more money is spent.  The only ones winning are the attorneys)  The fear of remaining in an unhappy marriage has to surpass the fear of the unknown of the divorce.  (It’s not fear of the unknown.  It’s fear of his child being taken away, emotionally if not physically) Many of those points were true for me.. but while I wasn’t particularly happy.. it wasn’t terrible  (That’s your case, not all)

Your man stays with his wife because he wants to. Not because I know him, but because I know human nature. People always behave in a manner consistent with their desires. There are options. Uncomfortable and sometimes downright painful options but they are there. He has you convinced its all about his daughter, THAT is the point I don’t buy.  (And you have every right not to buy it.  However, I know this is the truth.  He’s there for her.)

Your “Man”’s daughter is in her teens. Sure, his wife could be a major pain in the backside, but denying visitation? Not bloody likely. Not at this age. There are just too many ways to communicate and facilitate meetings.   (You are forgetting one important  point:  how does a man stop his ex-wife/wife from brainwashing the child against him?  Are you so naive as to think this doesn’t happen?)  Yes.. I have seen enough claims of abuse being made, but the courts are not blind to the context. The burden of proof would be on her. And do you think the daughter would back those claims up?  (No one said anything about abuse.  But the mother has poisoned the child’s mind against his family.  I have no doubt she will do the same with him.  I’ve heard some comments the wife has made to the child about him and it’s not pretty.)

There were some other statements made that can be read in the comments section.  I just find no need to kick a dead horse by giving responses again….

I did see you mention in another post that you don’t think he’s cheating on you. But truly.. what do you think that the odds are.. that within the last 10 years or so.. that he hasn’t had sex with his wife? Yeah.. no desire for intimacy,.. I heard that part. Month? Sure. 6 months? umm.. ok. Year? Yeah.. not buying it. I have seen some pretty combative, toxic and seemingly indifferent relationships where sex was still happening. Bottom line.. I still think he’s having sex with her. I’ll buy not very often, but in 10 years? Ill stick with the odds on that one.  (Here is what leads me to believe Former MM hasn’t read all of my posts.  It’s not my guy who stopped having sex with his wife; SHE no longer wants to be touched.  It happens.  Some women go through the motions of liking sex, but they don’t.  They will use any excuse not to do it.  I know when I knew my marriage was over, every night, I would “fall asleep” on the couch knowing that my husband wouldn’t bother to wake me to come to bed.  You can believe what you will, but I know in my heart that he’s not cheating on me with his wife or anyone else.  We have discussed this, and he did confirm that in the beginning, when our relationship was just an affair, she would consent to sex once in a while.  It got to be too much of a chore to even ask, so after about 6 months or so, he stopped asking and she never offered.)

Regardless.. I don’t see how you would give people help on being the OW, when even in this outlier of affairs that you claim to be in, its hardly an ideal relationship. We all go into any relationship knowing.. that one day it may end. If we are truly happy.. we would like that it wouldn’t.. but that is the reality of a relationship. However, most of us aren’t in a relationship where the Sword of Damocles is so prominently positioned above their head. Hardly something to strive for.  (Any relationship could end at any time.  Does that mean we should never try?  At any given moment, life could step in and give us all a blow.  Not  perfect?  No.  But what relationship is perfect?  Anyone thinking this is the delusional one.)

My OW used to say.. and I believed her.. that the most painful thing for her was when I left her to go home. It sparked many a row between us. Why she settled for me in the relationship we had is beyond my comprehension. Similarly.. why you settle for this is equally beyond my comprehension.   (In the beginning, I used to feel lonely when he left.  Now, I find that I have just as full of a life when he’s not with me.  I meet with friends at least once a month for girls’ night.  In fact, some of these friends will be coming with me on vacation soon.  Do I miss him when I’m away?  Not really.  After all, he calls me every day.  This is my time to do things that I don’t do with my guy.  Nothing wrong with that.   Besides, I really do like my alone time.  I don’t feel that I’m settling for anything.)

So, even though this Former MM feels that I’m settling and being cheated on, I know he’s wrong.  That may have been true with his OW, but I know my situation is different.  EVERY situation is different.  I am luckier than most OW because I have a lot of time with my MM.   also have a lot of time alone.  I’m happy with it either way.

Can A Wife Stop Her Husband From Cheating?

Aug5

If he's not happy, he could stray

I have been “accused” of being a home-wrecker and of using my blog to condone cheating. I was recently asked why I never try to “help” wives keep their husbands from cheating. Well, I believe I have given the wives out there some tips in earlier posts, but, I’m going to do it again.

I will never encourage anyone to go out looking for a married man to “tempt” away from his wife. Other women come in all varieties. Some of us are wives, some are divorced wives of cheating husbands, some are single. We all have one thing in common: we never set out to “seduce” a married man. First of all, I couldn’t seduce anyone if I tried. Sexy is definitely a word I would never use to describe me. So…how did I end up as the other woman? The answer is simple: I made him feel important. My man’s wife left him emotionally. After she had her baby, she no longer wanted him. When he and I first started talking after not seeing each other for years, I didn’t know he was married. An affair was not on his mind and it certainly wasn’t on MY mind.

I’m not making excuses. We spent a lot of time talking and I just assumed that he was single because of some of the things we talked about. He never mentioned a wife, or a child in the beginning. Looking back, I should have asked more questions, but hindsight is 20/20. I had my suspicions, but I didn’t want to believe it. After all, this is a good man who would never hurt anyone who loved him and who was good to him. He always went out of his way to help friends, family and me. By the time I found out for sure that he was actually married, I was hooked.

So…what can a couple do to get out of the rut of marriage and family? I think one of the most important things is to make each other feel special. I realize that sometimes, it’s hard. After all, we’re living in a time where it’s necessary for both partners to work outside of the home. Working, cooking, cleaning, taking care of a child or children all take a toll on a marriage. It’s easy for the couple to forget what drew them to each other in the first place. Before they know it, they have grown apart.

From the beginning of a marriage, the couple needs to stay connected. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean that the romance has to stop. At least once a week, have a date night. If you don’t have the time (or a babysitter) to go out, one of you could grab some take-out. The first one home could stop at the florist or grocery store and pick up some flowers (I’m sure someone gave them a vase as a wedding or shower gift!) and set the table (don’t forget the candles). If you have children, put them to bed early and sit down to a nice dinner. Talk to each other. Don’t talk about the kids for this one night. As a couple only talks about the kids, they find that the kids are all they CAN talk about. Talk about your likes and dislikes, talk about a book you read or a movie you saw (or want to see). Talk about a funny incident that happened at work, or something unusual you saw on your commute or when you went out to lunch. Once you start, I’m sure you could find a lot to talk about.

I know what you’re thinking: put the kids to bed EARLY?!?!?!? Yes. It can be done. Even newborns have a schedule. It may be trickier, but each parent knows their child and when they sleep. If a date night is planned every week from the beginning of a marriage and when a new baby is brought home, children will know to stay in their beds (or at least their rooms) when the parents say it’s bedtime. Trust me; I was a divorced mother of 2 boys under the age of 6. When I got home from work, I spent time with my kids, but I was tired!!!! They knew that bedtime was “stay in your room and be quiet so mommy can rest” time!

Every now and then, try something new. Get a sitter for a day and do something the wife wants to do. I’m not saying to torture your poor husband by a day of shopping in a mall, but I’m pretty sure he can live through a chick-flick. He might even enjoy going to a museum or a flea market. Be creative. When it’s the husband’s turn, maybe find a classic car show or a ball game (even I can stand to go to a ball game. It’s more fun at the stadium than watching it on TV). If you can’t get a sitter, take the kids. By going out to new places together, it will give you something to talk about on date night!

Now…for new parents. I know you’re exhausted! My first son was 22 months old when my second one was born. My husband did zero, zip, zilch, NOTHING to help out. Never changed a diaper or gave them a bath or fed them (OK…I breast-fed for the first year, but I always had a supply in the fridge he could have given them). I was a stay at home mom until my divorce when the boys were 2 and 4. Before that, I knew when the kids napped, so I napped. This way, I was “human” enough to cook dinner and spend some time with my husband. Bottom line: babies sleep! Take advantage of it. If both parents work, then maybe the husband could give his wife a couple of hours to herself a day or two a week. Give her time to go out with friends or just take a nap. She’ll be forever grateful! In the same respect, the wife needs to let her husband have a night out with the boys if he wants. Just remember…BOTH OF YOU…that a night out doesn’t mean getting stupid-drunk and flirting with anything that moves. It means going out, have a drink or two and connect with friends.

No matter how tired you are, always take the time to hug. Sometimes, it’s too tiring to even think of sex, but how much effort does  cuddling take?  Sit next to each other on the couch while watching TV. Put your head on your husband’s (or wife’s) lap. Don’t worry about what the kids will think. They’ll grow up knowing what a loving couple should be like. When leaving the house for work, always remember to kiss each other good-bye and when you get home, kiss each other hello.

I know it’s cliche, but don’t go to bed angry. If you’re annoyed with each other, talk it out. We can’t agree with each other all the time, but we can agree to disagree. We are only human and as such, we’re imperfect creatures. When two people live together, they’re bound to piss each other off every now and then!

Surprise each other with little love notes or cards or small, inexpensive gifts. Treat your spouse to a bubble bath and put on something sexy. Above all, always remember to say “I love you” to each other at least once a day. Use your imagination! If you keep your spouse happy at home he (or she because we all know that wives cheat too) will not want to look elsewhere for affection.

Remember why you fell in love to begin with