About

Are you the other woman or thinking about starting a relationship with a married man?  You’re not alone.  It’s good to know that there is a support system out there.

128 Comments

128 thoughts on “About

  1. Hi i am the other woman and very confused and upset !!!! He persude me and initiated everything and i knew what was going to be when we got together but now the wife knows but he lies about the situation-i want to turn this around for me so what do i do??? i have tried ending it and he keeps me to him WHY????

    • Hi, Donna…

      Have you spoken to him about his home situation? Why did he initiate things with you when he was married? Has he told you about his wife? Does he have kids? How did his wife find out and is he lying to her saying he’s NOT having an affair? Has she confronted you so you know she’s aware of this or has he just told you she found out? So many questions need to be answered.

      If you’re truly unhappy, you need to do what’s right for you. I find that many OW put up with a lot more from their MM than they would if the man were single. In other words, if he doesn’t make you happy, you need to move on. Yes, there are times when we can’t be happy about a certain situation that pops up, but if there’s more hurt than happiness, we need to know when to cut our losses. If you truly want to end it, talk to him about it. Tell him that you’re ending it because you’re unhappy and can’t do this anymore. Have you told him how miserable you are? If he cares about you, he will understand. He wouldn’t want to see you hurting.

      As for the “why” is he not letting you go; only he can answer that one.

    • I stumbled on this site surfing about being the “other woman”. The majority of people think the other woman is wrong, bad, etc. The only way that can be true is if she is trying to steal the man. (and alot of you are). I think if it is anything other than a one night stand, it is an affair, and the wife is not providing what her husband needs, they have grown apart over the years, or there are other problems. It isn’t my place to ask what is wrong, why he wants to be with me, etc. I figure he’s with me and I enjoy him when he is. I can tell he cares, heck, I would lay money that he loves me. Sure, I’d like to see him more, but nothing is perfect. What I want in my life is a part time man. I’m not trying to get him to leave her, we never talk about her or his life there, except in relation to his kids. We talk a lot about his kids, their problems, lives, etc. He is a very devoted father. I don’t want a man to come home to. I don’t need the extra work, I like to be alone a lot, I don’t like to have to come in and chat with another person. Men have always let me down, so I don’t want to have to be put in a position to trust them or rely on them, except in the most basic ways. I don’t know if I would want to have sex more than once a week. Here I have a man who has never cheated before, I can tell by how he is and how he is in bed. None of the disease risks that one gets with single guys, or one night stands. I won’t do them. I need someone to care for me, not just have sex. Not every day, mind you. I see him every two weeks, but we talk once a week. I’d like to see him more, probably once a week, but he has 4 kids and a busy life, not to mention, I agree with him that too much time away will arouse suspicions. What other options are there? A steady boyfriend who will eventually want to be with me every weekend, then 24/7, or a single guy who sleeps around? I go for the married guy. Not seeing each other a lot makes each visit new and exciting. Not at all the “burnout” you get in most new relationships. I never thought this guy would sucumb to my 2 advances. I’d known him about 6 years as a very casual friend who was once my professor. (Actually, I’m 12 years older than he….) He is cute, hot, and very reserved. Not at all the type you’d ever suspect to cheat, and for a long time, he said no. Then, out of the blue, he asked me to dinner, and it went from there. So far, it’s been 4 months. I don’t know if I’d ever trust him enough to want to be with him if he ever wanted to leave his wife, but I know he wouldn’t any time soon, and I wouldn’t want him to, what with his kids and all. I’d be afraid that if we ever got together, then I’d get bored with him or he’d be a jerk like all the other men I thought I knew, then after I fell for them, they were different than what I’d thought. Not to mention the age gap, although I look younger than his wife, due to working out and taking care of myself. Thanks for letting me vent. I feel no guilt and why should I? I’m single and can do what I like. I’m not cheating on anyone!

      • Hi, June!

        Yes, people don’t realize that a one night stand does not an affair make. But also, all affairs are not really relationships.

        You found what you want in your MM and it works for you both. Best of luck to you!

      • Yes! This is my situation exactly!
        He’s married, and I want him to stay married. He’s got kids, and I want him to stay in their lives.
        I’m independent, single, have my life, my family, my friends…and absolutely no interest in marriage or a live-in. Don’t want the “singles bar” lifestyle. My MM is disease-free, and faithful to me. He’s not a some sex-greedy pig who is “having his cake and eating it too”. He is a man whose marriage doesn’t give him the love, respect, appreciation or emotional safety he needs; but who also knows he will lose his kids if he gets divorced.
        A lot of people think the OW is about breaking up a marriage. I think there is a difference between a marriage ending and a divorce happening. I didn’t break up his marriage: it’s already broken. But I am preventing a divorce from happening.
        For those who think my involvement somehow makes the home life worse for the kids — think again. Their Daddy comes home happy, emotonally re-charged, and mentally stronger because of time he spends with me. Because he feels more confident about withstanding the emotional abuse his wife gives him, he actually spends more time at home rather than avoiding the place like he used to before I came along. Those kids will never know the supportive person standing behind their Dad, and that’s ok with me.
        I’m getting what I want/need out of this, so is he; so are the kids, and frankly, if she was the least bit honest with herself, even the wife is getting what she wants too. (meaning to say, the appearance of a “marriage” without having to do any of the work to make it successful).

      • You are hurting other people. You went after him. It doesn’t matter if this is more convenient for you than a real relationship. It doesn’t matter if you made a promise or not. Your actions are hurting other people – love people and treating them well is what morality is about. And by love I don’t mean getting sex without too many strings, I mean caring about all humans, the wife, the kids, etc.

    • The best way to turn the situation around for you is to break it off with this guy. Have no contact at all with him! He is a liar and a player. He wants to have his wife and someone on the side.

  2. Hello,

    I am new to this. Your insight has helped me a bit but I am still unsure how to deal with it all. We have only been seeing each other for 5 months. My MM’s wife does not know. A friend of my sister’s works with him and that is how I found out he was married. He didnt tell me at first. He claims to have married the “wrong person” after only knowing her a little over a month because she got pregnant with his twins. When I ask why he stayed for 15 years he said it was for them. I get it. We are completely honest with each other about everything now. He promised to never lie to me again. I told him I would not tell him that he needs to leave his wife because if he is going to it needs to be because he wants not because I told him to and that eventually this will not be the ideal relationship for me and I will move on. But I find myself falling in love with him more and more. I eventually would like to build a lif with this man. Any suggestions?

    • Hi, Jessica…

      Have you and your MM ever talked about building a life together at some point in the future? Maybe this is a conversation you should have. You should know if an affair is a permanant thing or a temporary situation until he feels he can leave his family. If he tells you he has no plans to ever leave, then you must ask yourself if you will be happy having a relationship that can’t possibly move forward.

      Now, your MM’s wife doesn’t know. Does that mean he’s still sleeping with her? If so, can you accept knowing that may never change? You need to think about what you want in this relationship and have a long talk with him about your hopes for the future and what scares you about it all. By having this talk, you may hear some things that are hard for you to hear, but it’s necessary in order for you to decide what you should do.

      Best of luck.

    • I would suggest you break it off before you get hurt worse. Have nothing to do with him. He lied to you. You can’t trust him! He lies to his wife and his kids.

      Please understand – he does not want to leave his wife. He hasn’t done it yet.

      Also, please don’t judge his wife. You don’t know her side of the story. He may be lying about what is going on with them. In any case, if she knew he was sleeping with you, she would divorce him and he would lose the kids he’s been staying with her for. There is no good ending here but leaving. There are better guys out there!

  3. Please can I have some advice. I’m 23 and have been caught sleeping with a married man at work, it happened only once. He is 39, has two young daughters and his wife works for the company too. I very nearly lost my job and now my life is hell at work. I have lost all friends and work responsibilities. Should I leave my job? Do you have any ‘caught’ stories you could share. Is there light at the end of the tunnel? Thanks. B

    • Yours is a perfect example of why co-workers shouldn’t date…PERIOD. When things go wrong in the personal aspect, the professional aspect suffers.

      Since his wife also works for the company and you have lost friends and responsibilities at work, I would suggest looking for another job. But, in this day of high unemployment, DO NOT quit your job until you have found something else. All you can do now is send out resumes, put in applications and suck it up at your current job until something comes along for you. That may sound harsh, but that’s the way it is. No one can afford to lose a job without a backup plan.

      Good luck to you. Just remember that when you do find another job, keep personal and professional separate.

    • I would actively looking for work outside the company or within another department. I have been involved with a coworker and it does complicate the situation even further. While we have never been caught by caught by his other half we have been caught by a fellow coworker. Neither situation is good. It causes people to doubt you as a woman. While he is just as responsible for the situation as you, we as woman tend to get more blame. It does not necessarily matter who initiated the relationship. Best of luck to you!

    • Unfortunately, yes, you need to leave your job. Just don’t do it too fast – look around and get a new job first. This is going to be very hard to do since you will have trouble getting recommendations. Get some advice on how to handle this.

      Is there light at the end of the tunnel? There’s always light, it just takes time to get there. Focus on getting through it and making yourself a better person. Give his wife a sincere apology – that means no excuses, no explanations, just I did something wrong and hurt you and is there anything I can do to help you?

      And I guess you know it, but for the sake of your career, don’t sleep with any more married men!

  4. I met this guy over one year ago, it started out just as an escape. We got hot and heavy and he told me he was not with anyone but had a kid. Eventually I learned that he had raised more than one child, but only one was his. He lied to me and stated he was living elsewhere when he was still living with the mother of his kid. They had been together almost 20yrs but never were married. He says he does not want to leave me he asks me to be patient because he does not know how to break it to his kid. I read his text messages with the mom of the kid, and the relationship is contentious. We got caught several times. The first two she went on and on on how this was affecting his kid. She said she was married, i learned she was lying. She asked him in front of me to choose. He said he choose me. She left in a huff. This last time we talked was different. She told me things that i had to believe, some things however i know were pure exagerration. She asked me to leave him because he would never leave me. She said he doesnt really love me and that he loves her and is in love with her. She said she is doing it for her son. She asked me and this killed me – to give her a fighting chance- My conscience would not allow me to break up a family. I tried to end it and stay away. He came to me and cried and said i am the only light in his life. That he cannot loose me. He said he made a choice and I am it but he is asking for my patience so he can fix his mess and get this together. I am still seeing him but i cannot put aside the fact that he lied to me. He said he was not sleeping with her and i confronted him he said he has slept with her once or twice but not as often as with me. (this sounds pathetic and should be reason enough to leave). I know i can do better and find my own man and build my own family but this is the first person i have ever opened up to and I love him with my whole heart. He makes me feel safe and makes me happy when we are together. When I m with him I just want to pause time. She has to suspect that we are still together but she closes her eyes and further i promised her i wouldnt see him anymore and i failed miserably at that.
    I know I am going crazy. He is living a double life and I am allowing it. Please i need some support.

    • He told you he was staying in his relationship because he “doesn’t know how to break it to his kid”. He’s been in this relationship for 20 years, so how old IS this kid?

      There are a few things that bother me in this. You have been caught several times, yet his SO keeps taking him back “for her son”. She tells you that he loves HER, but does she love HIM?

      You said it yourself: he’s leading a double life and you’re allowing it. He’s sleeping with her, but not as much as he’s sleeping with you (whatever that means) and he wants you to have “patience” while he fixes his mess, and she’s asked you to give her a “fighting chance”. Think about this…SHE wants to give their relationship a fighting chance and HE goes home to her every night. Do you really think that someone wanting to save a relationship, and who knows there is another woman involved, will not have sex with her SO every chance she got? After 20 some-odd years, she didn’t necessarily lie to you when she said she was married. She probably sees it as that since a lot of marriages don’t last that long. But then, I would think that after 20 years, she’s had a “fighting chance”, yet he still chose to cheat. Doesn’t sound like he was very happy there.

      As for him asking you to be patient so he can fix his mess…what’s to “fix”? I don’t get what he means by “fix”? Fix his relationship with her, with you, tell his son he’s leaving?

      When his SO asked you to leave him because he would never leave you, she was correct…he never will leave you as long as you let him play both of you like this. I’m going back to my “single guy” analogy: If this man weren’t in a long-term relationship with someone else, would you accept him sleeping with both of you? If a single guy you were dating told you he was sleeping with someone else, but “not as much as you”, what would you say to him? Wouldn’t you want a committed, monogamous relationship?

      It’s easy to feel safe and happy when you’re together because you’re not thinking about all the bad stuff that goes on, but once he goes home, are you still happy? Or do you think about what he’s doing with his SO? This is driving you crazy! What you need to do is step back. You don’t need to burn your bridges, but you need to take a time out. Let him know that you need time to figure all this out. Block his calls so he can’t try to convince you to stay. During that time, don’t sit around moping…go out! Be with friends. Take a weekend road trip with a few friends…go out to dinner, the movies….ANYTHING to keep your mind off this guy. Three months apart should let you know if you want to continue on with a man who says he chooses you, but continues to live with someone else, or move on to someone new. You can’t worry about HIS feelings right now. You need to take care of you and YOUR feelings. It won’t be easy, but it has to be done. This sounds like something you need.

      Be strong in this. You can’t let him stop you from living your life to the fullest. I wish you luck! Let me know how it goes.

    • You’re in a terrible situation. He’s a skilled liar and manipulator. You are not safe with him, no matter how much you feel that way. You need to cut off all contact with him – don’t even let him in to talk to you.

      It is hard to believe right now, but you would be so much better off without him. He’s nothing but heartache for any woman.

  5. Just checked back in and am reading your answer with my heart in my chest. He sees me every chance he gets. Holidays etc he divides his time between family and me we spent nye together. Im trying. I told him I need a break. He said no. He wont take a break. I know I shouldnt give him the choices. He sleeps here for 2 days in a row. She calls him frantically he responds I dont owe you anexplanation. He does not want to go back there he says but she guilts him with the kid. Kid is 11. Kid tells him dad you were there for my t hree siblings and you arent t heir dad are you going to leave me and not be there for me. When he calls kid sometimes says is that nel referring to my nickname. Woman no longer calls me. The guy said he erased my number from her phone. She sends him messges about needing a partner not a companion. You are right I live in the moments we are together and question everything when we re not. I need more. I hate who ive become. I try to keep active but im living a lie. My friends and family think this is over since nov. I m afraid to dissapoint everyone. I talk to him 20 times a day but when hes home I m scared to call and wait for him to sneak away. He sees me every day but nights when hes there I cant breathe. He swears hes not sleeping with her. I want so very much to believe him. He tells me he is miserable when at the house and needs to get his own place to transition his kid. Problem is woman and kid are entirely financially dependent on him. She keeps threatening to get full custody of kid move far away etc… no matter what I tell him abt legality of it hes obsessed. Will he ever leave what am I being patient for?

    • Don’t you just love emotional blackmail? My man has that at home too. “Dad, you never have time for me” (which is what her mother tells her). I’ve told my man time and again that if he was out of the house, he would most likely see his daughter more because he would no longer be living two separate lives. They tend to not see the obvious.

      At 11 years old, your man’s son is old enough to know how to call his Dad whenever he wants. Dad needs to make sure the son knows to tell him of important events in his life (school plays, dances, concerts, etc.) so he can be there. Leaving the home doesn’t mean forgetting about the kids. It just means that everyone needs to work together. Whenever my man comments that he spends more time with me than he does with his daughter, I tell him that it doesn’t have to be that way; he could leave the home he’s not happy in and have plenty of one on one time with his daughter. He just doesn’t believe that his wife will let that happen. In any separation when kids are involved, the parents must act like adults and do what’s best for the kids. They can’t act like spoiled brats and use the kids as weapons if they don’t get their way.

      I always said that I am the perfect ex-wife. I never denied my ex visitation and I never talked bad about his if there was even a slight chance that one of the kids could hear. This is what every separated/divorced person should do. You can’t bad-mouth each other in front of the kids or those kids will be totally screwed up.

      It doesn’t sound like your man will be leaving any time soon. He’s being pulled in too many directions. Now it’s up to you to decide how much longer you can wait for him to make a move and will you be able to deal with it if he doesn’t.

      • OW, this really irritates me. There is only one way for the kid to see more of her dad – for him to come home and stop spending time with you. Splitting up the family would mean she sees him with you – but then loses time with her mother.

        Also, don’t go judging the wife again. The daughter is probably asking the question because she is upset. It would not be surprising based on what you’ve said in other blogs – he spend his time after work with you.

        Kids are genuinely upset when their parents cheat and spend time away from home. They will blame the parent who leaves them for someone else unless there is something clearly awful about the faithful parent.

        So, don’t call it emotional blackmail. It’s just reality. His kid misses him because he spends time with you.

        • Ah, yes…..everything in your world is black and white. How nice. This is the real world. It isn’t perfect and sometimes, marriages don’t work, but divorce isn’t an option.

          Are all affairs “right”? No…not at all. There are men who will run around with any woman who flashes her boobs. Not all MM/OW relationships are like that. We get that you don’t approve. There’s no need to keep going on about it. It’s getting boring.

      • “In any separation when kids are involved, the parents must act like adults and do what’s best for the kids. They can’t act like spoiled brats and use the kids as weapons if they don’t get their way.”

        Here’s what I would say – “in any marriage when kids are involved, the parents must act like adults and do what’s best for the kids. They can’t act like spoiled brats and have an affair.”

        When someone cheats, they break promises, lie, and hurt people. That’s how it works. The result is people who are angry at them – and kids know enough to blame the person who cheated.

        • Black Iris….

          Why would anyone ever tell a child that one parent or the other cheated? If in the future, when the child is an adult, the matter comes up, that’s one thing, but to tell a child that mommy or daddy cheated is uncalled for. What purpose would that serve? To show how much “better” one parent is over the other? To get the child to hate the parent who had an affair? Would it be a revenge move in that respect? Actually, I don’t think a child should be brought into the reasons of a divorce. The only thing they need to know is that they are loved unconditionally by BOTH parents and whatever happens between the parents will never change the love they have for the child.

  6. It is nice to see a blog of women going through some of the same things I have and currently am. I started a relationship with another man last May. I was married and am now separated from my husband. My husband and I were already heading down the path of separation and this man made me feel whole again. The man is not married but engaged. I did not learn of his engagement until the fall and by then our relationship had already begun. I have a difficult time with the engagement outside of the obvious reasons. I cannot image what it would be like to be her. Happily thinking of a wedding while her man is with me. I decided in December to end things and for whatever reason the ending of this relationship is the hardest I have ever experienced. He calls frequently, texts daily and still tries to see me. I will admit I have seen him one time since I ended it the first week in December. I think an affair is like an addiction. I swear it was easier to quit smoking than end this relationship. Does anyone have advice on how to move on? I think part of the relationship is the rush of it not being allowed. How does one move on from that? I am not even sure how to get him to quit pursuing me. I cannot ignore him completely because we do work together. The difficult part is I never know if he is calling for work or to tell me how much he misses me. Any advice??

    • Hi!

      It’s more complicated when the OW and MM work together. There’s so much more to lose if the affair ends or if other people find out about it.

      Right now, I must say that you did the right thing by ending it. It’s really hard (believe me…I’ve tried to a few years ago!) to end things normally, but when you see each other on a daily basis at work, it must be doubly hard.

      As for moving on: the only thing I can suggest is to keep busy! Rather then end my relationship, I chose to not stress over the times we’re not together. Being with friends helps a lot. Hopefully, you have friends you can talk to about it, which would make things a bit easier.

      What you can also do is focus on the “bad”. This man isn’t married; he’s engaged. It’s much easier to break off an engagement than a marriage. Yes, there are some financial things to consider (like what wedding related things have been paid for already), but if a man isn’t happy with his fiance before she becomes his wife, why would he want to go through with the wedding????? It’s not fair to him, but mostly, it’s not fair to HER! Of course it will hurt her if he breaks it off, but don’t you think it would be better to be hurt before marrying this man? Once they’re married, she’ll want babies (if they don’t already have them). Is he planning on having affairs throughout the marriage too? What about when the babies are born? Has he ever told you why he chose to cheat on his fiance rather than break it off? See…these are the questions I’d be asking myself.

      Being the OW isn’t easy at all (I can hear all the cheated on wives collectively saying, “You poor baby” dripping with sarcasm). When the man or woman or both involved in an affair are married, it’s harder to get out. There are too many things to think about (finances, kids, house, child care, etc.), which makes leaving difficult.

      It does seem like your man (ex-man) is a bit selfish. He wants to stay engaged, yet he wants to continue his affair with you. That’s not fair to you at all. As for not knowing if he’s calling about work or to tell you how much he misses you…if you really want this affair over, you need to tell him that if he must call you about work, not to call on your personal phone. If it’s work related, he can send an email.

      If he insists on trying to get you back, you can tell him that if he was truly unhappy with his fiance, he would break off the engagement and that is the only way you will be with him. Like I said…it’s an engagement and can be broken without the hassle of divorce court. Why would he insist on making a bad situation worse? Is he worried about her saving face? How good would she feel if she found out that he had been cheating on her? No saving face in that.

      I know I’m repeating myself here, but keeping busy does help. Check out the programs that your city’s recreation department has. Get out there and meet new people, catch up with old friends, read or take mini road trips either by yourself or with others. But whatever you do, don’t sit around moping. That makes matters worse.

      I wish you the best!!!

    • The most important thing is to avoid contact with him. Figure out a way to only talk to him about business – if possible don’t take calls outside of business hours. If he changes the subject, hang up (and let him know you will do this.)

      Stay strong! He fooled you about his engagement and you are better off without him. Too bad for his fiance – she is marrying a liar.

      One other thing – don’t fool yourself that being with you means he likes you more than her. He loves her enough to marry her. Mostly though, remember that it’s not a competition – although many cheaters want to have two people fighting over them.

      • Black Iris…

        This particular post that you are giving unsolicited advice to was sent in February. This is not your site and I am again asking you to stop using it as your own. I am more than capable of handling my own site. Feel free to get your own.

        If anyone of the women here want your advice, they will ask YOU. Until then, let it go.

  7. I have been with my MM for about 5 years now. My situation is identical to yours . . he has been married 12 years . . wife, minimal physical contact dysfunctional relationship & daughter 12 whom he worships and adores/ He is there only for her. Has been planning his exit since almost day one . . Our issues are that he withholds contact, we see each other very infrequently, and whenever I get assertive about my needs he will tell me he cannot change the situation in our favor because of his home life. His wife is controlling and manipulative, and dictates most of his activity and spending. We have been in this state for over 2 years now, and I see no sign of it getting any better unless I give him an ultimatum of some sort . . does this seem reasonable ? I have no intention of severing the relationship. In the meantime, how do I cope, and what would you suggest for a short-term solution to improving the situation somehow ? Any feedback would be greatly appreciated, as I run the gamut from guilt over pressuring him to resentment that he makes minimal effort to better accommodate my needs. It often feels like emotional tug of war !

    • He’s still married to his wife and seems to spend most of his time at home. He gives her his money. He takes care of her needs.

      First, I think you need to listen to what he is saying. He is not going to spend more time with you or take care of your needs. He does not want to do that.

      It doesn’t matter if a guy tells you he loves you if he treats you like he doesn’t. It doesn’t matter what reason he gives for staying with his wife if he wants to stay with her.

      Things are not going to get better for you in this relationship. If you pressure him, he will dump you (you already know how he treats his wife when he is mad at her). If you don’t, you’ll spend your life waiting for a guy who doesn’t do anything for you.

      So I’m in the drop him and have no contact with him camp. If you can’t do that, just get out there and have fun. Go on dates! Maybe you’ll find someone who will love you and treat you will.

  8. I am so glad I found this blog!! I met my MM when I was a sophomore in high school (before he was married) at a funeral (of all places). We both liked each other but were to shy to express our feelings to each other. So we became really good friends. We even went to several school dances together including Prom. My senior year I became really good friends with his younger sister and was at his house all the time. I remember spending the night at their house and wanting to sneak over to his room and express my feelings for him but never did because I was a chicken. Towards the end of my senior year he was bringing a girl (lets call her K) over quite often and I quickly figured out that it was his girlfriend. When I questioned him about his relationship with her he was always respond that she a girl he knows…never admitted to me that she was his girlfriend. They had an on again off again relationship. At this time I started to hang out with him more often due to the fact that we went to Junior College together and enjoyed drinking lattes and chatting. He has a lot of medical problems that are due to poor genes (so he says) and one time had to get an hernia removed and a cafeter. Well he calls me the next day after his surgery complaining about how hungry he is and is in so much pain and if I could come over and help. Of course I did but before I asked him why K couldn’t help him. He mentioned that she said she was to busy and could not do it. As sure as shit I went to a restaurant to pick out some take out and there she is with another guy. I was upset because I am taking care of her boyfriend (which I didn’t mind but it’s the fact of the matter) because she is to “busy” with another guy. I went to his house and ate lunch with him. Walked him to the bathroom and helped him change his cafeter bag and fetch his meds. I mentioned to him what I saw and shortly after she broke up with him. During this period he and I would talk on AOL Im and he mentioned that he didn’t miss K but missed having the companionship and invited me over to his house. We ended up getting intimate and I freaked out and ran (crying) because it was finally happening and I was scared shitless. He eventually went back to K and I felt that I lost my chance so I moved on.

    Fast forward a year I reconnect with him via e-mail and find out that he is getting married. During this time him and K broke up at least 3 times during this year and it was her leaving him for someone else. So, when I asked him who he is getting married to he said K and I responded “No way”. Come to find out she got pregnant and a few weeks after she found out, they are engaged. I know he is a good guy and wanted to do the right thing. However, I feel that his oldest daughter isn’t really his. She was in a relationship with someone during this time and I feel that there could of possibly been another father but that I am not 100% certain. Seeing him getting married to someone that I feel that he shouldn’t get married to crushed me. Even though I went to the wedding I cried the ENTIRE TIME.

    After his daughter was born K got really sick and was in the hospital a lot. So, I came over a lot to help him take care of the baby. Then I eventually became “friendly” with his wife because I felt that I needed to play nice to keep my friendship with B. She was never around for one reason or another and I would spend a lot time in at their house. One nice after several drinks I asked him what ever happened with us and why he didn’t make more of an effort to seek a relationship with me. Well after I ran off crying he felt that he did something wrong and hurt me and let me have my space. Which I now understand. A couple weeks later we were intimate after I told him that I loved him and always had. Well now we were in a crappy position. At the time we were both 23 and my emotions came over me and told me it was me or her. Of course he wasn’t going to leave because of the child.

    Fast forward 10 years we are still doing the same thing. The only friend that knows doesn’t understand or thinks it’s about sex and it isn’t. Many times we don’t even have sex we just hang out and have a good time “geeking it up” aka playing video games.

    He won’t leave his wife at least not until the kids are out of school. And if they split up I personally think she would leave him before he left her. He has it “made” where he is with her. Her parents are pretty well off and the two houses that they have lived in have been 100% paid for by her parents. The vehicles they own paid for 100% by her parents. They have gone on vacations as a family..again 100% paid for by her parents. Know they are more self sufficient with both of them settled in their careers, but if it was not for her parents they would of been in a lot of a worse financial position.

    I have come with the acceptance of our relationship and what it means and that their might not be a future of just me and him unless we are old and she dies first or she leaves him.

    He said that he does “this relationship” for me but I keep on telling him that if he wanted out anytime he could just say so. He hasn’t yet and I don’t see any sign of it slowing down.

    • I have known my MM for at least 25 years! We lost touch and then reconnected about 11 years ago. I just spent most of the weekend with his family (see new post) and his aunt kept asking, “Why didn’t you two get together before he met that bitch he married???” Yes…no love lost there.

      I, too, have told my man that he can leave me at any time he feels it’s too much pressure. But, he isn’t going anywhere. We’re more of a married couple then he and his wife are and that’s how others see us.

      Many people will think it’s all about the sex, but, as you know, it’s not. We laugh, play, watch movies, share good times and sad times, good moods and bad, yet we get through it all, together. If it was just about sex, it wouldn’t have lasted this long (same as with your relationship).

      • It’s so nice to see other OW who have known their MMs for many many years! We’re not all husband stealers! My MM and I both kick ourselves for not taking advantage of what we had when it was right in front of us! Now we have so many more obstacles to overcome. I sometimes wonder if we ever will overcome them all.

    • Why would he want out? Anytime he wants to he can come over and have sex and play video games. You don’t expect him to do anything. When he’s with you he doesn’t have to be responsible and take care of kids or do the dishes.

      You are being used, though. You are stuck and won’t find anyone else so long as you are there for him. Break up with him and have no contact at all.

      I feel sorry for K who has been sick and is now stuck with this guy who cheats on her and lives off her parents.

      • OK, Black Iris….

        Enough is enough. If you insist on giving your closed-minded “advice” to those who have posted in the past, I will not be approving your posts any longer. I think I can handle my own site, without your unasked for “help”. If you would like to judge other women, then you are free to start your OWN website and offer your advice. I will not have you wasting space here.

        If you have any real comments for ME, then feel free to comment. Otherwise, please stop. I will not have you insulting and judging others who come here for support. As I’ve said, if you read my replies, you will see that not all encourage keeping the affair going.

  9. My condolences for losing a friend not only for you but for your MM.

    Yeah it seems familiar with me. On his wedding day both his mother and sister said to me “I’m surprised it wasn’t you that was marrying him.”

  10. Something significant happened a few weeks ago. I got a call from my guy stating you re important to me so I want you to meet my son. After he told the son not to tell his mother we spent the whole day together going for brunch and to the park then toys r us. I purchased some gifts for the kid and his dad cautioned that I wasn’t to buy his affection but I wanted to be liked by this kid and at the end around 9pm when we were on our way home kid exclaimed I had a really good day. His dad and I tried to keep pda to a minimum but dad kept calling me ” babe” or “hunny” and the like. I know this doesn’t mean he will leave significant other but am I stupid to believe it puts us one step closer? My guy has reiterated recently that he doesn’t want someone else raising his child and so he must stay in home to be there for him. I feel like im living in the space in between. I have dreams and thoughts of moving on but Ifear I wont find a love like this again. I feel when im with him. Not to say I m not living and functioning when not im pretty successful and independent but with him I feel like I can do anything and fulfilled. I want him in my life all the time not just as something he is juggling

  11. I’ve been with my MM for about 2 ½ years now. We met when both of us were married, and yes, we were both simply looking for a short-term affair because we were not getting what we needed at home. Shortly after we got together I got divorced after 28 years of a marriage in name only (he was a symptom of the problems, not the cause), but he has no intentions of leaving his wife of more than 35 years, and I accept that.

    What started out as a physical relationship developed into something much deeper. We have the most honest, open, trusting relationship that either of us has ever experienced – one neither of us believed was possible. We share the same philosophy about marriage, sex, and relationships in general, and we know that it is not the mainstream philosophy. But that’s why we work!

    Though we spent the first year and a half living in the same area, where he was living away from home for work reasons, he is now back home, which is halfway across the country. The transition from seeing each other whenever we wanted, and behaving as any other couple would, to figuring out whether to even try to keep things going long distance was not easy, for either of us. In the end, we could not end things. And, since that time, things have gotten even better. We see each other once a month or so for a little less than a week. We talk to each other almost every day. And we share things with each other that we never expected to share with anyone else – ever. But that’s the level of trust and acceptance that we’ve developed. It is an amazing feeling. And we both know that our current situation is unlikely to change significantly in the future – but that is OK.

    Yet, even so, I know he loves me. He knows I love him. I have no feelings of jealousy toward his wife at all. How could I, when I can see clearly that he cares very deeply for me? The fact that he has a life with her, children and grandchildren with her, yet still prefers to spend time with me when he can, is enough for me. I will never ask him to give up the life he has worked so hard to build. If he chooses to do so on his own, our ability to see each other will get easier, but nothing more would change. I like my independence. I don’t want to ruin the intense emotional connection we have by adding the doldrums of everyday life together.

    We want this to continue for the foreseeable future, and we were both pleasantly surprised to find this site (yes – I told him about it immediately). So many people say this type of arrangement can’t work, or that women in my situation are simply trying to steal another woman’s husband. It’s nice to know that there are others out there who see things a little differently – more like I do. I happened to fall in love with a married man who also fell in love with me. Ours is an unconventional relationship, but it is what we are comfortable with, and what we choose, every day. Each day we continue to go forward we are choosing to do so. That makes what we have so much better than a relationship based on obligation and duty.

    • Happy OW, I can’t even begin to tell you how relieved I am to read your story. It’s late and I can’t think too clearly on why I feel this relief; suffice it to say that I’m so sick of hearing the doom and gloom stories and being led to believe that MM and I are automatically destined to fail. I love that man and like you feel no emnity towards his wife at all. I feel that there is room for all of us in his life as long as he treats me well, which he does.

      • Hi Elizabeth,

        I have been focusing on reading other pages and only returned to this page tonight and saw that you had responded to my post. I understand your feelings of relief. I felt the same way when my MM and I met a few people who have similar situations. We now consider them good friends, probably as a result of the immediate feelings of relief we experienced when we discovered that we were not the only ones trying to navigate an unconventional relationship. There are many ways that we are unconventional, but the most relevant here is that neither of us expect that he will leave his marriage.

        I can’t tell you how many people have suggested that I should give him an ultimatum. That if he really loves me he should leave her. But he has been married to her for more than 35 years, and has really not known any other way of living his entire adult life. I don’t need the legal recognition. Luckily, I don’t need the financial support. I get everything I need from him — love, trust, acceptance, emotional support, fun. He accepts me as I am, tells me he loves my flaws and idiosyncrasies, he makes me happy, and I can see that I do the same for him. What more do I need? And, even those who tell me I should want more, also tell me they are envious of the way it is so obvious that we are deeply in love. I’ll take that over a marriage certificate and promise of exclusivity any day!

  12. I am an OW in what seems to be an unusual situation….
    My MM and I have known each other since we were 13 years old. He fell in love with me at 14, although I never quite returned his affections as teenagers. He was always my best friend despite the fact that I didn’t have the same feelings. At 17 we lost our virginity to each other and a few months later, his family moved out of the country (his dad was in the military). We lost touch for 3 years until he came back into town for a visit and looked me up. By this time, I was dating the man who would become the father of my children and my husband. We went out to a friendly dinner, during which he offered to take me with him because he said he still loved me. I declined his invitation because I was in love with my boyfriend at the time. That night ended with a “thanks for dinner” and a hug. We had no contact at all for 11 years. During this time, we both got married and had families. Out of the blue, he calls me up and we spend a couple of hours catching up. By this time, I am divorced, but he is still married, although unhappily. Initially, we cross no lines and remain only friends, but after a few weeks, I have to admit I was starting to enjoy talking to him a little too much. Eventually a conversation is had discussing the possibility that maybe he and I should have ended up together. That notion is quickly shot down because of his marital status. For the next few years he and I speak every few months. We flirt a little although we never discuss the idea of actually being together. His wife is aware of his contact with me and does not approve, so any contact we have is either through yahoo chat or from hotel room phones (his job took him out of town on business a lot) so that my number would not turn up on his phone bill. Eventually, we lose touch and I find out that he’s getting divorced. I’m a little excited, hoping that maybe he and I can test the waters. We talk a few times during the divorce, but he always seems to keep me at a distance, and then I find out why. He has already began dating someone new. A few months after the divorce is final, he marries the new girlfriend. I was disappointed, but could not be angry with him because he never had any commitment to me nor did he ever give me any indication that he and I would be together in the even that he and the first wife got divorced. I was just a girl with a crush. So for the last four years, while he’s been married to wife #2, we have had no contact. Then last fall, he looks me up on FB and sends me a message asking me to call him. He and I have a mutual friend who was having an emergency of his own and my MM needed some contact information on the mutual friend that only I had. I called him and spoke on the phone with him for the first time in four years. It was during that phone call that I realized how much I had missed him, and apparently the same thing happened for him. That day began a flood of phone calls, texts, and facetime sessions and within a few weeks, we were both completely smitten with each other. It did not take long for those feelings to become love and now we’re two adults who have an almost 25 year history, who have always been the kind of friends who can pick up right where we left off, but who are 1000 miles apart (we live in different states) and he’s married. According to him, he wants to get divorced. We both have agreed however, that he cannot leave her to be with me. His marriage has to run it’s course. She does know about me. Initially, she knew about me in the same way that his first wife knew of me, as an old friend of his. Wife #2 also did not like the fact that he was in contact with me. Eventually, she caught us on facetime one night and now we are restricted to email and phone calls from work because she checks his phone. He and I talk almost every day despite the difficulties, but it’s getting harder and harder to settle for being his secret. I know that the likelihood of an OW ending up in a successful relationship with her MM is slim, however, the history he and I share makes our situation a little different. I know it sounds cheezy, but the connection we have is rare. In the 20 years that we’ve known each other, one of us was always one step behind the other. He moved back to our hometown at one point, and I moved away a month before he came back! When I came back, he had just left! When we were teenagers, he was ready to be with me, but I was not. Then when he and wife #1 split, I was ready to be with him, but he was not! Now we’re both ready to be together, but marriage #2 and geography are in the way…..
    I cannot talk to anyone about this, naturally, so it’s nice just to vent. I know it may not be smart, but I love this man. Ugh.

  13. At Christmas, I reconnected with my 1st love from 20 years ago – who has been married for 14 years with 2 teenagers 15 & 16.
    He was open from the beginning, told his wife he wants a Separation and began to file paperwork. He told wife and kids about me and I am a presence in their household by name only.
    He was also very clear how he is not going to move out of his (rented) house until the 15 yo graduates – 2 years. he doesn’t work because he is on disability.

    He says I’m the one that got away, in love with me, cant wait till he can marry me, calls me beautiful, sends flowers to work, etc.

    The Problems
    When this 1st began his sister and mother attacked me – how could I do this? he is a lying, controlling manipulator. You don’t want this. We cannot have a relationship with you if you choose to see him etc etc. LOTS of drama over the course of several weeks (emails, phonecalls etc).

    He typically spends 2 overnights during the week at my house and the weekends Fri-Mon am. He doesn’t drive (no license and it’s his wife’s car) so I pick him up and take him home.

    I am trying to sort through my feelings. We got into a fight the other night that has me thinking maybe all of my family and friends are right.

    1st he grabbed me in anger.
    2nd he wanted to leave and he called his wife to come and pick him up. (she does not want to divorce- she happily came over here to get him)
    And 3rd after he gave his wife directions to come here -tells me he isn’t coming back to this house for 30 days. WTF?

    He calls me the next day to apologize and I told him I’m mad about what happened, it’s total b.s. that you are so self-dependent on your wife and that you had her come here to get you.

    Now, I am not talking to him and I don’t know if I should continue with this relationship. I don’t know if he is worth it.. Lord knows, all my friends and family will breathe a sigh of relief,,,,, they are accepting the situation but worry about me. My friend (his sister) I realize our relationship will remain fractured for years after everything that went down.

    So.. The question is,,, do I continue to stay in this relationship where he is completely devoted to me, yet still shares a house, kitchen and all family activities with his wife and family or should I just walk? I get very jealous when I see her open the door to let him in the house when he comes home or hear her in the background asking him something when he is on the phone with me. Of course he says he loves me more than anything and is no longer attracted to her.

    The deep history with us is what’s making me have trouble with this,.. If this was just some new guy I was dating, it would have been a clean cut goodbye it’s over…
    I need to figure out how I feel about him without him blurring my thoughts of how much in love he is with me.
    Would appreciate any comments on this.
    Thank You.

    • 2013…

      Let me be perfectly honest here:

      1. He grabbed you in anger and that is NEVER OK, I don’t care what the circumstances are.
      2. He is NOT the man you knew 20 years ago! His mother and sister know him best and say he is a lying manipulator. Believe them!
      3. He is not devoted to you. He’s devoted to and reliant on his wife. He shows this by calling HER when he argues with YOU. He also shows this when he says he will not leave her (even though he said he began to file separation papers…which I’m assuming were never finished).
      4. I doubt very much he is in love with you. If he was, he would not call his wife to pick him up at your house…he would have called a cab or a friend! If he loved you, he would not do hurtful things like have you bring him home so you could see his wife waiting by the door to let him in or talk to you when his wife is present so you could hear their every day marital conversations.
      5. If he has no friends to call to pick him up or drive him to your house, that should tell you something in itself.

      You said it yourself: If this was some new guy you were dating, you would have ended it. This IS a “new guy”. Lots happened over the years that you didn’t see him. I understand that he was your first love, but he has obviously changed into a stranger to you. The history that you had was just that…history. If you wouldn’t accept his behavior from a new guy, you should accept it from him.

      Break loose while you have the chance. It’s not worth it to lose family and friends for a man who doesn’t seem capable of loving you the way you deserve to be loved.

      I’m sorry if I seem blunt, but he doesn’t sound like this relationship is right. One thing I’m worried about is the “grabbing” issue. You don’t want to continue and have this become and even bigger problem down the line.

  14. Some how I found this page….And am so very happy to see others in the same boat as I am.
    I have been with my MM for 4 years….amazing years!!!! I wouldn’t trade it for anything. We share everything together and he has been my best friend for every bit of it. I adore him and he adores me. We are together every second we can squeeze out of our busy days. And I am so thankful for him! However, yesterday his wife caught us. Well found out about the relationship. And it has been over 24hours since I have heard from him. Its truly agony!! I know their situation, I am aware of what they have together. They both own a very large world wide corporation which makes splitting up very difficult. Their relationship has been every bit of good friends and work companions. Nothing in a passionate way what so ever.
    I am just frustrated at the moment not hearing from him. I am worried, not for myself but for him. She is aware of who I am, and is now very aware of who I am to him. What do I do now though. I tried secretly reaching out to him but have had nothing in return. In 4 years we have not gone 24hours without talking! I don’t even know what to think….is it over for us? Do I need to give it time? I mean we both knew at some point this might happen….But we always said we would be in touch. And now nothing. </3

    • Hi, Stuck….

      It seems that your MM’s wife can ruin him financially if she chooses. I don’t know what their business arrangement is, but it’s possible that she could make his work life very difficult. I’m sure she wouldn’t ruin his business relationships because that could very well impact her too.

      Right now, you did all that you can do. You tried to contact him but got no response. It’s possible that his wife is keeping very close tabs on him right now. I don’t know how you tried reaching out to him, but his wife may now have access to what you thought was “your secret way of communicating”.

      You need to give it time. If you keep trying to contact him, it might make things worse for him. Lie low and let him do the same. When he can, hopefully he will get in touch with you. At the time you wrote this comment, it had only been 24 hours, which really isn’t enough time for him to figure out how to contact you or even what to say.

      In the meantime, try not to dwell on this. You both knew the possibilities and now the worst case scenario has happened. Keep strong and keep busy. If you have to vent but have no one to talk to about this, write your thoughts down in a journal. It helps to get it out.

      Good luck to you and your MM. I hope it all works out for both of you.

  15. I am new to this ow idea and way of life. I work with my MM. We have worked together for a couple of years and in the past few months we started talking and our relationship grew into much more. We discuss work, life, and his family problems.

    We have so much in common and we are perfect for each other. I know he does not plan on leaving his wife at all.

    What I struggle with is the balance. He wants me to give him hope and the idea of us ending up together. I am falling in love with him and I don’t want our relationship to end. How do you keep the balance of falling so deep you can’t get out of it?

    I don’t know if this is just a phase or something more. I am trying to work that out.

    • Hi, New OW…

      You have a bigger problem than with him being a MM. You work together. You and your man need to discuss what would things be like at work if your affair came out into the open. If you have read the comments I get, you will see that many people think that us OW are nothing but “home-wrecking whores”. If you work with judgmental people, will you be able to stay at a job where you are talked about behind your back (or even being called nasty names to your face)?

      What doesn’t make sense to me is that you say that your MM doesn’t plan on leaving his wife, yet he wants you to give him hope that the two of you will end up together. How will this be possible if he stays married?

      I fell in love with my MM many years ago, and he fell in love with me. Balance? There really isn’t any. I’m in it for the long haul, but I know that his wife holds all the cards. If she decided that she’s tired of him not being home every night, she can demand that he stop seeing me (as I’ve said in my posts, she must know there’s another woman because of the amount of time he’s with me). Whether or not he will stop is up to him, but I will not beg or try to force him to stay. That will have to be his decision alone. Yes, it will hurt, but I’m a strong person and I will go on. I have never stopped going out with friends and I try to get involved in sports whenever possible. It keeps me meeting new people and gets me out of the house. Hmmm….maybe that is where the balance is: knowing that you can still have a life post-OW/MM relationship. As long as you’re kept busy, you can mourn the relationship if it does come to an end, but you will not be obsessive about it.

      Just think about what I said about your working situation. Maybe discuss it with your MM. Does his wife know your co-workers? What if one of them finds out and tells her? These are issues other than the gossip. I wish you all the best.

    • New ow,
      i am glad i ran across your post. Has anything changed or are you still in boat. Your situation is a lot like my situation. My guy and i work together too. We started out as good friends and the feeling developed from there. Its been a few months and a lot has happened. In december he told me he loved me and wantedto bewith me. Now he feels bad to leave his wife. The other day they got into an argument and of course i was the first one he called. Ive told him thathe cant be back and forth with my emotions based on how he and his wife are getting
      along. Working together is hard because we cant avoid each other. To make the situation more complicated i am married to. Any advice?

  16. I have known this MM for almost 10 years. I am married. We are all friends and our kids are friends. He hit on me over 2 years ago, but nothing happened and I never said anything to my spouse or his. This year we suddenly began talking. We have only had three physical encounters- only making out. But our talks have been intense, detailed, explicit for the last 4 months. I was overcome with guilt recently- the thought of the depth of the betrayal if we were ever found out got to me. I had this moment where the pain of the potential consequences outweighed the good I felt when we were talking or together. I sent him a message telling him I couldn’t talk to him the way I had been, hoping he would understand that I didn’t want to ruin any of our friendships. He never responded, never acknowledged my words. We have spoken three times – friendly but short. I am really struggling now and I didn’t expect that. I never ever could imagine I would be “the other woman” let alone LIKING it! I know his story, his loveless marriage- but I have no idea why I did this. I have no good reason to cheat on my husband. What I am struggling with now is I flat out miss my MM. I miss the way I felt, I miss the excitement, I miss him. I feel like an addict going through withdrawals. I don’t want to talk to him about it- I feel like I drew the line, now I can’t step over it. I felt like a teenager with him and now I feel like a teenager trying to get “over” him. Is this normal?

    • Hi, Gwen…

      Whenever we find someone who thrills us like we haven’t been thrilled in a long time, of course it’s “normal” to have some “getting over him” pangs.

      May I give a suggestion? You say that you really have no good reason to cheat on your husband, but you miss the excitement and way you felt with the other man. Is there any way you can get the excitement and feelings back with your husband? A while ago, I posted “Can a Wife Stop Her Husband from Cheating?” where I gave some suggestions on how to keep the magic alive in a marriage. Some of these things may work for you and your husband. It could make you both remember why you fell in love in the first place.

      It just sounds like you were in a rut and need to get back on track. Talk to your husband. Tell him what you’re missing in your relationship with him. You don’t have to mention the other man (that would be awkward considering you’re all friends), but let him know what you would like to see change in your relationship. Suggest a “date night” with a little role playing. Maybe even a little sexting with him will help! Just because someone is married doesn’t mean the romantic fun has to stop. Give it a try…you may both love it! ;-)

      I wish you all the luck in the world with this. I really think that since you now know that there is SOMETHING missing in your marriage, you should know how to fix it.

  17. I ambso glad I found this site. It is hard being the ow. Let alone knowing I may have him for only a short time. I have tried to end it once,I feel as though Its based on a lie. Long story. I came back cause I missed him so much . This is my first time beinv the ow,not to mention I am the ow of a Nigerian. Am I glutten or what?

  18. Thank you so much! I’m so glad you have this site. My perspective has changed towards “the other women” since I have had this experience myself. Thank you for your words, your point of view and the support you give. Best wishes to you, too!

  19. I’m involved with a married man he told me he was married and I accepted the fact that I would be the other woman,he’s been having issues lately and he told me he doesn’t want to be married anymore, I have fallen for him, and we did spend a lot of time together on the phone he lives a few hours away from me, but lately with all the issues at home he’s been distant, I’ve tried being there for him as a friend but honestly I don’t know what to do,I only wish I could help him through this no matter what he decides to do. I don’t know if you have any advice for me.

  20. I am really glad I found this website. I have been having a hard time lately being the other woman. I’ve been wondering how others deal with certain situations. I don’t really have any other women to talk to about this and unfortunately the main person I talk to is my mm. He and I fell in love in November and got swept up in the moment. We both knew the other was married and tried to convience ourselves that we would never be more than “friends”. We have since called it quits a few times but then about a week later we are in the same boat. We not only “love” each other, but the physical moments are so wonderful. I have been unhappy in my marriage for about a year and tried to leave my husband in January. He made me feel really bad so I decided to come back home. My mm says that he loves his wife and can’t make himself leave her, but wants his cake and eat it too. I reminded him that you can only do that so long before you have to pay the consequences. He says that he loves us both and we are both so different, as he and my husband are. I think that makes things more difficult. Does anyone have any advice for me? Oh and to make matters worse we work together so avoiding him is impossible.

  21. This is not a judgemental question but one I struggle w and want to if any else does. Do you ever struggle w guilt or think I am tired of being second?

  22. I do get tired of being second also. Its hard knowing that we could have a great relationship but he choses to be with me only when it is convienent to him. We have ended it 5 times already but keep going back to each other. Its hard to be so in love with someone you cant have. How are things going for you? Any updates since yor last post

    • Hi, BK…

      The thing with my relationship is that I don’t feel that I’m “second”. Maybe in the beginning I did, but I haven’t felt that way for years.

      Things are going great for my guy and me. We take things one day at a time since he’s still working a whole load of hours, but we get around that. Thanks for asking.

    • Yes,we got back together,then I caught him.out w another woman not the wife. Ended it again!Had a a night out ran into him ans ended up again w him. Tried going back again but then he started blaming me and telling me I abandoned him. So it’s over. I take blame where it is due but not for his wrong doing.
      I can’t say I don’t miss but I don’t miss the stress and the feeling second.

      • nlvwnjaguy….

        I hope you’re done with this guy now! My goodness! He’s lying to everyone, isn’t he?!?!?! And isn’t it typical that he would blame YOU?!?!? Really?
        “I was with that other woman because you abandoned me!” Seriously? Does he not get that you left because he was caught with yet ANOTHER other woman?

        You are so much better off without this one. All he was giving you was hurt. You don’t deserve that! Be strong! Living without stress is much better than the constant knot in the stomach. You should be first in someone’s life…or second to his kids if he has any (before I hear negative comments to that, there are SINGLE men who have kids, so I’m not encouraging another affair).

        Now, go find the love you deserve! :-D

  23. I’m not sure if anyone is feeling like I am. I’ve been on such an emotional rollcoaster over the past few months with my mm. Things started out as a great friendship and feelings developed from there. At first he was so sweet, caring and told me everyday how nice I looked. Then the “I love you’s” came. Now I’m still so deeply in love with him and I know he still has feeling for me, but he has decided that he needs to devote his time and energy to his wife (by the way she has no idea who I am or what I look like. I saw her in the grocery store the other day but to her I am just another girl in the store). I try to be respectful of that but it still breaks me heart. Over the past several months he has been back and forth with me on this issue and of course, time and time again I have cried over him. I am tired of all the tears and feelings. He wants his cake and eat it too, and unfortunately I give it to him whenever he wants. He is a wonderful man and I feel like he is my best friend. With all that said, I know I deserve better than he is giving me. A few of my friends, and my therapist have reminded me of that. I am having a hard time getting over him and the love I have. Has anyone been successful at moving on? To make the situation even more confusing, I too am married. I have been married for 6 years but unhappy for the past 2. No kids, thank goodness since that would complicate this even more. Hope I didn’t offend anyone with my last comment. Any advice is well received!

    • Hi, BK…

      I’m sure every one of us OW have gone on that rollercoaster ride. Maybe not the same one you are on, but ones similar.

      I’m now going to ask you what I ask others in the “on again off again” MM/OW relationship: If this man was single, would you put up with him jumping from you to another woman as he sees fit?

      If he wants to devote his time and energy to make his marriage work, then that is what he should be doing. Yes, you will be hurt, but you will hurt that much more if he tells you he needs to work on his marriage, then jumps back to you. It seems that you aren’t being given the chance to get over him. You feel that he’s your best friend and a wonderful man, but would a best friend do this to you knowing how much it hurts you? He needs to make a choice: either he wants his marriage to work, or does he want you? As your friends and therapist say, he can’t have it both ways and you DO deserve better.

      Now, I need to ask why you are unhappy in your own marriage? Is this something that can be fixed? Have you spoken with your husband about what you need out of your relationship and how things can get better so the marriage will get back on track? It’s good that you have people who really know you to talk to about your entire situation. I’m an outsider looking in, but I feel that you must think there is SOMETHING worth saving in your own marriage since you are not asking for a divorce even though there are no kids involved. Perhaps it’s so difficult to get over the love you have for your MM is compounded by the fact that you are unhappy in your marriage. Obviously, your husband isn’t giving you what you need, but why allow another man (a married one at that), to also make you so unhappy.

      Maybe you’ve gone over all this with friends and your therapist already, maybe not. Just remember that these are the people who only want the best for you. They may be able to help you to come to terms with your feelings.

      I wish you all the luck in the world!

      • Other Woman,
        Thank you for your insight and advice. Yesterday I actually had a heart to heart talk with my MM. I flat out told him that I love him but I deserve better than he is giving me. I told him that he used to treat me better than he is now and I am tired of all the back and forth. I’ve cried enough tears over him and I’m done crying. He knows I’m going to a therapist and I told him that I need to be able to put my focus on myself and not on him. He agreed and was really sweet about it all. He knows that he has broken my heart but at the same time he has done this to his wife also (although she doesn’t know about the affair). I actually feel bad for her since she has no idea. This whole time she is thinking they have a great marriage while he is telling me he loves me and hooking up with me. We see each other everyday since we work together (she doesn’t know there are any females at work and if she ever saw me she would automatically assume we were together- his words) but we have now stopped all the flirting and “naughty” talk. We will see how long this actually sticks this time (this is the 6th time we have ended things). I am trying to be a better friend to him and not tempt him. I know what buttons to push to get him to want sex from me but that’s not how things should be. I truly believe that if we are meant to be together then fate will allow this to happen.
        As for my relationship with my husband, I have fallen out of love with him due to the distance we’ve had over the past couple of years. when we do spend time together I don’t enjoy it and wish I was alone. One thing I am trying to decide now is if I want to work on my marriage or go our seperate ways. I told him in January that I didn’t want to be married to him anymore but ended up only being gone for 25 hours. I felt relieve on my side but decided to go back to him because of how upset he was that I left. He has no idea about the affairs I’ve had (3 in the past 2 years) and I don’t want to tell him. I have been reading a few books my therapist asked me to read and hoping they will help also.
        Sorry for the long response but thought I would give you an update. Thanks for this wonderful website. It’s nice to have other women to talk to who can relate and support one another!

        • Hi, BK!

          I’m so glad you had that talk with your MM. I’m sure it helped put things in perspective.

          Now…about your marriage…..have you thought of dating your husband again? Go back to the days when you first met. There was something about him that you loved at one point…maybe you could find that again.

          Whatever happens in either/both of your relationships, I wish you all the best. Things usually have a way of working out.

          • BK- any updates on your situation? Mine is very similar, except I’m not legally married. My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years and I find myself in the same situation(s) that you described..

  24. The Other Woman:
    Can I just say that I admire you for having the cojones to give me an outlet!!? Seriously, I am extremely excited to find your site. We all have our MM stories. Each just as important as the last. Mine is crazy and full of drama. Boy meets girl……girl falls for boy……boy’s wife moves back to town…..madness ensues. Once the dust settles and you take a deep long (and honest) look at what the both of you need and want, sometimes it’s best to BE “the other woman”. Best for everyone involved. Other times, it’s best to move on and be thankful for the fond memories. Some women can handle the life. Most cannot. That’s the beauty of what you’ve given us. A place to see where not all hope is lost. Somewhere that allows a girl to ask and receive advice from others who know exactly how she feels. Sometimes (on bad days) it would be nice to have a shoulder to cry on that doesn’t say “You are better off without him”. Thanks for giving that to me. I’ve needed it for a long time!

    Cass

    • I hope that many of you will look to Rejoice Marriage Ministries to understand what is going on with these marriages. Most people have a spiritual base in life that helps to guide their decisions. Once something in life is thrown off, people will make bad decisions but it is not necessary to continue down that path. Dating a married man is a bad decision especially for the OW. I do not know how long this website has been going but I DO KNOW that if OW sent an email to all the people who posted here, she would find that many of the so-called relationships fizzled out in 3 to 6 months.

      Wives, pray for your husbands to no longer be deluded by sin and lust. And, OW, is this man really worth your soul, your self-esteem and reputation? Are you really willing to go to hell for your MM? Are you really?

      Besides for the spiritual problem of dating another woman’s husband, I have yet to see anyone post about a peaceful, loving relationship where their needs are fulfilled and they feel good about dating these married men. I hear a lot of angst, unhappiness, “should I leave him” and drama.
      Please remember that Jesus performed His first miracle at a wedding. That is how strongly He feels about marriage. He will honor those who honor marriage. I know, I know….why bring God into this discussion. I mean, it is so unsexy, and so antiquated to talk about God when the MM can get you in bed? Then what? Ladies, you do not have to put yourself through this. Wake up! Don’t allow this website or anyone else to talk you into something you know is wrong. In 3 months, he can just be a memory. Walk away with your head high and yourself esteem intact.

        • OW,

          Your responses are predictable. “If your married man says he loves you, talk with him and see what he can offer you. Try and negotiate your time with him. Keep busy so you don’t miss him too much”.

          I have yet to hear you speak common sense and logic.

          1). You can control who you love. If your MM died tomorrow, your life would continue. Choosing a MM, and yes it is a choice, sets a person up for misery and drama. People get over broken relationships, the death of children, the passing of parents, etc. The idea that a person falls helplessly and foolishly in love and then is not responsible for what happens is a myth.
          2) A woman who dates a mm sets herself up for great emotional damage. I hope that a woman contemplating her decision to see or continue with a MM will see my post and realize she deserves better. OW, I think you are stuck. You are gonna ask him to leave, he is going to say no and you will stay. You will have all your excuses at the ready. Who would date a woman who was foolish enough to date a MM for 10+ years? Answer: another married man.
          3) Some people don’t believe in or don’t care about God. I get that. How ’bout good ol’ karma?
          4) You cannot meet a good partner for yourself if you are wasting your time with someone else’s husband.
          5) Your reputation takes a serious hit. Other people will make observations about your choices. OW will say someone is “judging” your behavior. We all make judgements and assessments about each other every day. Before I got married, I was often set up on blind dates by other people. Someone’s nephew came to town, or a co- worker thought her brother might like me. I actually met my hubby indirectly thru a set up date. No one would have introduced me to their family members, friends, etc., if I had a reputation for cheating.

          Ladies. If a married man approaches you, ask him to respect you enough to wait until his divorce is final. If he can’t do that, he is not serious about you.

          P.S. OW, you also judge. You judge that the wife is doing something wrong without even thinking that the husband may be the problem.

          • All I can say is that I sincerely hope that you or yours never fall into a situation that you at some point found or find “distasteful”.

            I don’t say “Talk to your MM to see what he can offer you”. I do encourage open communication because by knowing exactly where each party stands, a decision can be made to either stay or leave the relationship. It’s not about “offering” anything.

            Other than that, the only other thing I have to say to you right now is that your posts are the predictable ones: judgmental, insulting and self-righteous.

        • OW,

          Btw, save your pity for the women who date married men. I restored my marriage after an affair. I just want other wives to know it is possible.

          Re- building was hard but not impossible. I actually feel sorry for the ow involved with my husband. Really tough for her. They were co-workers. He left the job after we reconciled. She had to stay and suffer with the “whore treatment” from the other employees. They had a fling that she tried to make a relationship. I found out one day when I popped in for lunch with him at work….that is something we do with each other frequently. Ow knew he was married. He wears a ring and has family pics displayed in his office. He never even considered her as serious or permanent. She is as attractive as I am but I will politely say that her educational and personal development needs some work. He and I both work professional jobs that require Master degrees. She finished high school (I think) and attended a 12 month vocational program. She is younger than we are by almost 10 years.

          I asked him point blank that night. He admitted it. Said it was just sex. I was upset and things got worst before they got better but had I no plans to leave our marriage and neither did he. We agreed he would quit the job to get away from her and get some counseling. And that’s what happened.

          He hates that some people found out…..from her. His conscience keeps him in check….not me. He wanted to leave the job because she stupidly did tell people at work they were a couple. She thought if people asked him about it, he would warm up to the idea. She was nursing the delusion of being the next Mrs Wife. Her plan backfired.

          • So now, I understand the bitterness much more. The problem is that not all MM are in it “just for the sex” and OW/MM or OM/MW relationships do work when they’re based on love, respect (with this comes honesty) and actually LIKING each other.

            We all know how you feel about these relationships. Once again…we get it. Now you need to stop. Your judgments are uncalled for. As adults, we know what we must do for US. You have no say in our lives.

          • Why is she a “whore” but your husband changes jobs, gets counseling, and life is good? They could not have had sex if he wasn’t participating. Also, it’s just crass to talk about a young woman as needing personal and educational development–like your husband had a problem with her educational status? Degrees do not make a person–and I’m a PhD, so bite one.

      • Since “Thou shall not commit adultery” is a commandment.. a big time “No- No” that Jesus Christ himself hates…it is the ONLY reason the church allows divorce. So why is it that so many reconiliation sites are religious based ? You must pray to God to keep your husband faithful. Is “H” so stupid he has no morals ? Doesn’t know what he is doing ? The “Devil ” made him do it ?
        Ever notice all the” pro-forgive fucking around” sites always have a book, tapes, audio, c-ds e- books to sell… or better yet “book your counseling session online”…. This is all big business “profit for propganda”. Your husbands are having affairs, real true loving , caring relationships with attractive, educated women.
        Sometimes these kind men don’t know how to tell you ,so they cheat to end the marriage. Get a grip… they WANT you to file and leave. That way they get the sympathy.
        Don’t hate T.O.W. HE made vows …to YOU. I DID NOT… be mad at him… leave me out of your psycho -drama.
        “Do not judge others” and when , yes when he cheats again….pray that the “horny devil ” in him can be healed.

        • Hi, S.A.T….

          Yes, I have run into the “Christian hypocrisy” many times. Most of it is based on the “It’s not up to me to judge…only god can judge….but what you’re doing is wrong” scenario. They do love to blame that devil for all their wrong-doing, though, don’t they?

          As for the Christian sites that are around to save a marriage, one in particular comes to mind. Kenneth Copeland’s grandson, Jeremy Pearsons, counsels couples on how to stay together and make a marriage work. What they neglect to say is that Jeremy is divorced and remarried. But, he’s qualified to counsel on making marriage work. :::::rolling eyes:::::

          What I don’t agree with is that men cheat to get caught. Most don’t want to get caught because they’re afraid that the “vengeful wife” will find a way to ruin them financially and professionally. They are also afraid that the wife will try to turn the kids away from daddy. Most wives know when their husbands are having affairs, but don’t want to screw up their lives and go it alone. If the affair was being flaunted in front of them, they would need to take a stand.

  25. So i have a question for all of you other women out there. My mm and i officially called it quits today for the 7th time. His wife questioned him about cheating and he denied it. This freakedhim out and he doesnt want to lose her. This told me that he loves her very much and has no intention of being with me. Any advice or similar stories on howto getover him. We work together but i am looking for another job because of this situation. I cant hardly be around him because of the deep love i have for him but the hurt i am feeling.

    • Sorry, bk…

      I can’t help you there. I work with my guy on weekends, but don’t need to, so if we broke up, I could either not take any more jobs or make sure I’m at a job my guy isn’t on.

      Hopefully, this 7th time is the one that sticks. Just keep thinking about how he told you he loves his wife and doesn’t want to lose her. Get a good “pissed off” going! Then, start thinking of all his annoying little habits. These are just band-aids to cover a huge wound, but sometimes, band-aids help the healing.

      As usual, I’d say to keep busy! Good luck with the job search! I hope you find something soon.

      • Other woman,

        Why would you say I am bitter? I am married; you are not. I restored my marriage. You are the one who is divorced….sleeping with someone else’s husband. I feel good about working on my marriage. You are the one who is contemplates if you should leave your relationship…not me. Let’s look at facts. Most married men who stray for whatever reason will stay in their marriage. Period….end of story. Who winds up bitter? The discarded other woman. But, there is a better path for all other woman. They just need to find the courage to pursue it.

        • Mrs W… Bitter ? perhaps smug ! Good for you, you have stooped to a new low. can you say “C0-Depend “? or are you just a totally doormat who is insecure and inmature ? you are too afraid to actually face the hard fact your “H” wanted someone other than you.You love him ? I will assure you he doesn’t love you, nor has any respect for you.Why should he ? You have none for yourself.
          Staying for the kids ?
          the lifestyle ?
          Isn’t that the very definition of a whore ?
          “Whore: a woman who engages in sexual activity for money, material gain.” Hey that sounds like you .
          Why do men cheat ? Because their wives allow it !

          • Go whine or gloat on S.I. or check out Chumplady.com
            You all can congrats each other on keeping a piece of shit “H” who is a liar, cheat…that is the best you can do !
            WE enjoy your husbands, treat them the way WE want WE laugh at your stupidity… and WE get the best of them … you get the rest of him.
            Lose some weight, dress like a woman, instead of a homely dyke and perfect your B.J. skills ! You will never get over this … just learn to live with this… because you can’t have a life without a man !

          • Wow — For anyone who previously held the opinion that all OW are the same, here is the perfect demonstration of the fact that we are NOT. Having been both the unloving wife who, for 28 years, had no interest in being intimate in any way – physically, emotionally, intellectually – with me now-ex-husband, I will not criticize a woman for remaining in a marriage that does not include intimacy. There is more to marriage than just that, which is why I understand why my MM stays married. Marriage does not equal love. Sex does not equal love. Some of us are involved with a MM because we love him and we share a level of intimacy that is not available in some marriages – not because we want to marry him, and not because the sex is good. But, as this post demonstrates — we are all different, so I am glad the contrast shows up here once in awhile.

          • Happy OW…

            This is why I approve all comments (except for the ones that are too redundant to give space to). I want to give everyone a chance to express their views, thoughts and ideas. We ARE all different and it’s time people stopped seeing all OW as home-wrecking whores.

  26. I’m only 23 and had been going out with a older guy (35). Everything was great. We would go out to eat or the mall. Go out to dance. Little things like that, but I always sensed something. Like if he wasn’t telling me the truth. I still stuck around for about a year until recently when we were at a club and I guess his wives sister showed up. Somehow they got a hold of my Facebook and she messaged me her number. Which was how I found out he was married. I don’t know if legally or they call living together and having kids a marriage. But I ended things with him because he told me he had started talking to her again. So I let it go. About a month later he tried to explain everything to me. Telling me I didn’t deserve what he did and that I wouldn’t understand the fact that he’s only there because of his babies. He’s never with her. Their house is in a completely different city almost 2 hours away and he works here in my city. Starting Thursday he is here up until Sunday. So how is that a marriage? I feel like I can offer him more even though I’m young. I have my own car. A stable job. My own place and have one more year of school until I graduate with an AA in administration of justice. I ask myself why I love him when he has nothing to offer me. I just can’t help but being so happy around him. Nothing else matters to me. I don’t think of his wife or his family when I’m with him. He works two jobs. He literally sleeps like 3/4 hours a day and I can’t help but think why she don’t take care of her man. Why doesn’t she rub his back. Try to complain a little less. Maybe cook him a nice dinner. Go to one of his gigs. I don’t know. Make it seem like she’s proud he’s her man. I feel lost!! Everyone says I’m in the wrong but if feels so right. All of his brothers know about me. They talk to me. Hug me. Say hi. I feel accepted. But am I wrong for wanting to be his girl for real? I don’t want to have to hide the love we have for each other. Or maybe he’s just playing me. I’m lost.

    • Lisa…

      You may be able to offer HIM more, but what can he offer YOU? Married or living together, if he has children and leaves his wife/girlfriend, he will be responsible for those children at least to the age of 18 and longer if they decide to continue their education.

      Because he lives 2 hours away from you, you don’t really know that his wife doesn’t rub his back or cook him dinner when he’s home. As for going to his gigs, she has young kids at home, so it would be hard for her to get out for an evening.

      You know his brothers…have you ever asked them about how his wife is? Do they like her? Do they think she takes care of him?

      At 23, you have the whole world ahead of you. I’m the last person to tell you that you’re wrong for dating a MM, but I’d hate to see you miss out on opportunities to date some decent guys your age, get married and have kids.

      Have you talked to your MM? Do you know where he wants this relationship to go? Does he want it to go anywhere, or is this a dead end? These are things you need to find out. You and your MM are the only ones who know what goes on in your heads. You need to see if you have the same ideas when it comes to the two of you being together.

  27. I find this site very interesting. I admire you even though a lot of people is against your perception in life.I currently have these relationship with a mm.We are caught a lot of times but my hubby still accept me.MM does not want to stop and he will do anything to have me back. I want to end this relationship and live a normal life..

    • Hi, A!

      Your husband knows about your affair and still loves you enough to stay in the marriage. If you want to stop seeing your MM, it shouldn’t be too difficult with your husband on your side. Have you told this man that if he doesn’t stop bothering you, you will go to his wife? You probably wouldn’t have to do that because the threat should be enough to make him stop. Since your husband knows, the MM couldn’t threaten you with the same if you end it.

      I hope things all work out with you and your husband and that this MM leaves you alone so you can have a new beginning in your marriage. Good luck!!!

  28. I am so happy that I found this site.
    I recently started seeing/sleeping with a man that is not married but has been with his girlfriend for a little over 5 years. They have a daughter who just turned 1. He is a co-worker of mine and that is how we met. I knew what kind of situation I was getting into but he never speaks of his girlfriend. He speaks of his 1 year old and also his daughter that is 19. I have never asked him what goes on at home as I believe his time with me is probably his escape from whatever is going on at home. His girlfriend recently got a hold of my phone number. Called me from her phone and then sent me a text asking me if he was seeing me also. I didn’t respond to her because I believe whatever problems they have are between them. He is the one that pursued me. I did tell him that if he wanted to focus on stuff at home I would back off because I understand he has a family and obligations at home. He told me no he did not want me to back off.
    He called me on 4th of July and I was so happy to hear from him but when I answered the phone all I could hear was arguing in the back ground. Apparently while they were driving she grabbed his phone and called me. I then received a text from him saying don’t answer.
    The next day I sent him a message telling him I feel bad about the problems that this is causing at home for him. His response to me was that it was not my fault that he choose this and he is the one that pursued me and that things at home were in the process of being taken care of whatever that means.
    I have a connection with him that I did not even have with my ex of 10 years. He makes me smile just by looking at me. Not sure what it is about him but he instantly relaxes me as soon as I see him.
    I am doing my best to try and keep my feelings out of it. I am keeping the time that I get with him happy and positive and just enjoy him for me.
    I do not in any way want him to leave his girlfriend and baby for me. That is not at all what I want out of this. I have been pretty much single for the last 4 years and I don’t want someone always here with me.

    • Hi, Cholie!

      When there are kids involved, especially when they’re still babies, it makes it so hard for a man to leave even if he isn’t married.

      You’re doing the right thing by not responding to his girlfriend. How he handles the home situation is his business and no one else should be deciding what needs to be done.

      Your relationship with this man is still new, so you really don’t know where it’s going. All you can do is take it day by day. Hopefully, you two will have a chance to talk about that “taking care of things at home” business!

      Best of luck!

    • Sorry!!!!

      There was a glitch in my email that sent all comments to my spam folder!!! I was wondering why there have been no new comments for a while. Luckily, I wanted to clear the spam and saw all my comments. I’m working my way down on replies now. :-D

  29. I cannot believe how women feel is ok to be involved with married men.
    No wonder, couples nowadays don’t work on their challenges in their marriege. As long as theres a piece of free steak somewhere else, men can hide their feelings and choose to live in worlds that are protected by lies, while the woman at home raises kids and thinks all is fine and dandy.
    Someone talked about a daddy going home fully recharged emotionally after seeing the OW, that is a delusional statement.
    Men feel guilt, just like women do. They feel anger and feel bad about themselves. They have issues with self esteem and that shows Iin their behaviour with their wife and kids.
    Do you OW know, that regardless of what your MM tell s you, he tries even harder to satisfy their wives, emotionaly and sexually, because guilt triggers the need to prove to himself,that doing the wrong thing is not taking away from his married life?
    And that’s talking about a good man not a player that does this on regular basis. And since all of you seem to think that your MM is faithful to you, this would apply to your situation. Of course, your MM is not a sleaze bag or a cheater, of course he only loves you and has it bad at home, of course he needs time to fix whats wrong at home , so asking you to be patient is ok, of course that he is not looking for someone else to replace you,cause he is so commited to you and has so much history ,that you two shared!!
    Do you ladies really don’t get it?
    Are you that delusional and detached from reality?
    You are the runaway spot, the world that is protected by lies and deceit. The reality that MM live with OW is a place that provides a false sense of happiness, is a realm where the MM is Superman, because even thiugh,he gets to bitch like a little girl how horrible the mother of his children is, the Cryptonite gives him the strenght to put on a show for you. And you suck it up. Because you have low self esteem, ,dont think you are worth a man of your own or you have emotional problems that you choose not to deal with.
    OW accept the love they think they deserve. That’s a sad place to be.
    Knowing your worth will never allow you to stoop as low as seeing a married man.
    Men need God, so they can be strong and make the right decisions for their families even when times are hard.
    Men have became weak and women have became depraved.
    I feel sad and worried for the future of our society, for our children.
    Women should pray for their husbands, so they dont fall into temptation, single women should pray for self worth and wisdom to decern what kind of love is being offered.
    Thank you to Mrs. Wife foe sharing. I agree with you.
    OW, I feel sad that you think thats all the love you deserve , a once a month visit.
    So, so sad.
    Us married women, know our men, know that temptation is there, we also know that we are all human and can make mistakes, also when we pray for our husbands, God teaches us forgiveness.
    When you give that forgiveness to a man that made that mistake once, that’s the ultimate proof of love.
    That’s why our husbands don’t leave us for you, OW.
    Good day and know that we MW are always praying for your broken and throrn hearts.
    We also forgive you for not respecting our marriages and our children, our hard work that we put into our relationships and our marriage.
    We forgive you.

    • Oh, my!! Another religious fanatic! Goodie.

      What you and Mrs Wife cannot see is that not ALL married men enter into an affair because they simply want sex. Not all marriages are fixable. Some people enter into marriage for the wrong reasons and once those reasons no longer apply, they find themselves living with a stranger. Many have tried to make the best of it because they have kids with their spouses. Not all men (or women) go out LOOKING to have an affair, just like not all OW (or other men) went out looking specifically for a married man to date. Not all wives (or husbands) think their marriages are perfect not realizing that their spouses are cheating. Many are aware that there are problems that can’t be fixed, yet they don’t want to rock the boat because of the kids or simply because they enjoy their lifestyle and to divorce would change that.

      While some men and women having affairs do go home and “over-compensate” by being overly passionate and giving to their spouses, this is not always the case. Those are the men and women who are lacking in one area of their marriages, be it sex or attention. Others have marriages that are lacking in everything. These are the men and women who don’t simply have affairs, but they have relationships with others. While guilt may play a part for some time, the guilt ends because the person realizes that he or she is happy and deserves this happiness.

      As for your comment about a man “bitching like a little girl” to their girlfriends about how horrible the mother of his children is…that is not true in my case (I can only discuss my relationship here because I don’t know how others are). If all my guy did was bitch and complain about how horrible his wife is, I would have dumped him long ago! I respect my guy for NOT constantly complaining about his wife. She IS the mother of his child and deserves some respect in that area. What I know of her, I have heard in HER words when I have been near him when he’s taken her phone calls (with is VERY rare…there have only been a couple of calls) and from what his family has told me (unsolicited….I never ask). The worst thing he has said to me is that his wife is over-protective of the child and wouldn’t “allow” him to bring the child anywhere alone (he’s slowly starting to stick up for his parental rights and will bring her out to the store or for a quick bite to eat). Does he hate his wife? No…not at all. But that doesn’t mean there is any love left. You do realize that sometimes love dies, right? I can also say that I know that his wife stopped loving him long before he stopped loving her. They live in the same house, yet live separate lives unless they need to be together for the child.

      You also seem to think that I see my guy once a month. I don’t know where you get that, but I see him almost daily. We aren’t having an affair…this goes beyond an affair into a real relationship. You may not believe this, but it’s true. What we have isn’t based on sex. If it was, he would have been gone a while ago!!! LOL!

      I did not “tempt” my guy away from his wife. I think I’ve said that I couldn’t tempt my way out of a paper bag! We came to know each other and that grew to love. Again, you may not understand or agree with this, but it happens.

      I think I have already gone over with Mrs Wife that not everyone is into religion, but that is not to say that we are not moral people. I know you can’t see how any moral person could be dating someone who is married, but that isn’t the only aspect of morality.

      Just know that we don’t need your forgiveness. Most of us OW have made peace with ourselves and the lives we choose. It’s a difficult road, but ultimately, for most of us, worth the travel.

    • WOW!!!! Really??? You sent your first post on 7/9/13 at 7:03 PM. You sent this one on 7/10/13 at 2:09 AM and you’re thinking I deleted the original for “harshness” because it was not up on the site within 7 hours??

      I don’t delete posts because of “unflattering” opinion. I think that would be obvious considering many comments call the OW “whore”, “home-wrecker”, “bat-shit crazy”, etc.

      Even though I don’t feel that I owe anyone an explanation, I will tell you why I don’t respond immediately at times:

      Tuesday (7/9) is one of my volleyball nights. I leave at 6 PM, start playing at 6:30 PM and the games end at 8:30 PM. After volleyball, we get together to grab something to eat and maybe have a few drinks (I’ll have a margarita or two if it’s not my turn to drive). Some volleyball nights, I’ll get home early enough to check mail and respond to comments. Some nights are very late, so I just shower and go to sleep. Last night happened to be a special night because one of the players will be starting a new job and is moving out of state, so it was his last night playing with us. We all went to a pub to give him a good send off. While I didn’t drink because I drove (notice how I keep saying I don’t drink and drive?), it was a later night than usual and I simply didn’t have the energy to do anything more than check my email. In other words, last night, no one got a reply from me.

      I’m working my way down my new comments now and will give your original a response when I get to it.

  30. Sorry to disappoint you OW…I am not a religious fanatic at all.
    I just have a set of beliefs that I choose to live by.
    Just like you do. I did not call you a “home wrecker fanatic” or a “side woman fanatic”.
    I understand where you are coming from however I do not agree nor judge you.
    Women like you enable men to be weak and not take the necesarry steps to ensure their own happiness. They fool you ,OWs by telling you how honorable they are because they dont want to hurt their kids or their wives. In the end they are rotten on the inside no matter how much you think they are happy with you.
    You are more disposable then the wife that’s at home.
    And that’s the truth.
    Now if you are good with that, then I am ok with it too.
    I just think you, OWs are worth more, have a lot to give and deserve only the best, just like all of us do.

    Here is something that another MW wrote to another OW. There seems to be a pattern. I am not saying your relationship/affair is like all others. I just doubt that is that much different.

    “You were just The Other Woman.Did that long ago, ended up doing it again last year and this year.I wonder how you were raised and how many emotional scars you have.Look at your pattern behavior. Look at the pain you cause, for your selfish reasons.Look at the broken home that you caused and at your children that had the security of growing up in a God fearing home.Do you have any remorse? Is your God really not important to you.Do you understand what real and unconditional love is?Your selfishness boggles my mind and makes me feel so sad for you and your family.The distraction and destruction that you caused in your home and then in two other married couples home is too much. Are you that screwed up, do you have such low self esteem that you think you cannot find your own man.Obviously you failed at being a God fearing wife, but now you continue to seek and destroy others?What is wrong with you? Can you see that your daughter looks at you for guidance and example? Do you want her to become like you? Isn’t is enough she has to grow up in a broken home?Selfish, feeling sorry for yourself when you have it all, when you were forgiven and given another chance? Ungrateful is the word that comes to mind.People like you are the problem with our society, breaking up your home, breaking uo other peoples homes, being a bad example as a mother, friend,wife.There is no hope if the women of today are like you.I am on the other side of you, not because I am better, but because you were the other woman.Because you did not know how to respect another woman, and had no guts to stay away from a married man.I am not better then you. I am just different.I am a wife, a mom, a lover, a fighter, a strong partener and most of all I respect my other sisters.I have the selfworth, selfesteem and selfrespect to not wish, desire or touch another womans man.I am strong enough to be on my own, rather then lie to myself and let some man give me any kind of excuse why I should be with him if he is not single.The nature of any man is to try, the right thing for a woman to do is to turn away a man that is not available.But you already knew that. You have done it 3 times before, so for you is not a mistake anymore is a choice. It is your nature, it is your flaw.I am sad for you.I am praying for your mental health and hoping that one day you will accept that you have wronged others and ask for forgiveness.I am praying that God will give you the strenght to work on yourself and heal from the abuse that you went trough.I pray for the men that you hunt down, for the pain you caused their wives and their children.I also pray for your home, kids and husband, for your immediate family, your sisters and brother.I will be 10 fold blessed, healed and be vindicated for the pain you caused my family, because I am praying for your situation.Maybe you should start praying to, to whatever God you have.You know what you are and what you have become.You know the ties that need to be broken and the deliverance that needs to take place.I really don’t like living with the shadow of you, and my prayer is that Gods light will shine upon me that all shadows are gone. All I have is love. I am giving it freely, to my family.You cannot take that love away or change the way I feel about my man.You cannot change the way he feels about me and our home, our past, our children.We are people that don’t give up on family and eachother when times are hard or when one makes mistakes.That is the difference…That’s why you will always be The Other Woman, unless you wake up.

  31. Sorry to disappoint you OW…I am not a religious fanatic at all.
    I just have a set of beliefs that I choose to live by.
    Just like you do. I did not call you a “home wrecker fanatic” or a “side woman fanatic”.
    I understand where you are coming from however I do not agree nor judge you.
    Women like you enable men to be weak and not take the necesarry steps to ensure their own happiness. They fool you ,OWs by telling you how honorable they are because they dont want to hurt their kids or their wives. In the end they are rotten on the inside no matter how much you think they are happy with you.
    You are more disposable then the wife that’s at home.
    And that’s the truth.
    Now if you are good with that, then I am ok with it too.
    I just think you, OWs are worth more, have a lot to give and deserve only the best, just like all of us do.

    Here is something that another MW wrote to another OW. There seems to be a pattern. I am not saying your relationship/affair is like all others. I just doubt that is that much different.

    “You were just The Other Woman.Did that long ago, ended up doing it again last year and this year.I wonder how you were raised and how many emotional scars you have.Look at your pattern behavior. Look at the pain you cause, for your selfish reasons.Look at the broken home that you caused and at your children that had the security of growing up in a God fearing home.Do you have any remorse? Is your God really not important to you.Do you understand what real and unconditional love is?Your selfishness boggles my mind and makes me feel so sad for you and your family.The distraction and destruction that you caused in your home and then in two other married couples home is too much. Are you that screwed up, do you have such low self esteem that you think you cannot find your own man.Obviously you failed at being a God fearing wife, but now you continue to seek and destroy others?What is wrong with you? Can you see that your daughter looks at you for guidance and example? Do you want her to become like you? Isn’t is enough she has to grow up in a broken home?Selfish, feeling sorry for yourself when you have it all, when you were forgiven and given another chance? Ungrateful is the word that comes to mind.People like you are the problem with our society, breaking up your home, breaking uo other peoples homes, being a bad example as a mother, friend,wife.There is no hope if the women of today are like you.I am on the other side of you, not because I am better, but because you were the other woman.Because you did not know how to respect another woman, and had no guts to stay away from a married man.I am not better then you. I am just different.I am a wife, a mom, a lover, a fighter, a strong partener and most of all I respect my other sisters.I have the selfworth, selfesteem and selfrespect to not wish, desire or touch another womans man.I am strong enough to be on my own, rather then lie to myself and let some man give me any kind of excuse why I should be with him if he is not single.The nature of any man is to try, the right thing for a woman to do is to turn away a man that is not available.But you already knew that. You have done it 3 times before, so for you is not a mistake anymore is a choice. It is your nature, it is your flaw.I am sad for you.I am praying for your mental health and hoping that one day you will accept that you have wronged others and ask for forgiveness.I am praying that God will give you the strenght to work on yourself and heal from the abuse that you went trough.I pray for the men that you hunt down, for the pain you caused their wives and their children.I also pray for your home, kids and husband, for your immediate family, your sisters and brother.I will be 10 fold blessed, healed and be vindicated for the pain you caused my family, because I am praying for your situation.Maybe you should start praying to, to whatever God you have.You know what you are and what you have become.You know the ties that need to be broken and the deliverance that needs to take place.I really don’t like living with the shadow of you, and my prayer is that Gods light will shine upon me that all shadows are gone. All I have is love. I am giving it freely, to my family.You cannot take that love away or change the way I feel about my man.You cannot change the way he feels about me and our home, our past, our children.We are people that don’t give up on family and eachother when times are hard or when one makes mistakes.That is the difference…That’s why you will always be The Other Woman, unless you wake up.”

    What do you think?

  32. There are a lot of comments about when it is all right to sleep with a married man.

    It is all right to sleep with a married man when his wife knows and doesn’t mind – and she herself has told you so.

    That’s it. The end.

    • Of course you agree with Black Iris, Sad…..you only know ONE truth. Unfortunately, there are many “truths” in life. There are also many colors…not just black and white.

  33. OW…There is only one truth!
    You OWs destroy lives.
    That’s ok. You chose your life, you live it and then you have to live with the consequences.
    What is sad , is that OWs have not figured out that they are being used, while hurting others, they hurt themselves.
    Look in the mirror and be HONEST for once in your life.
    Is that a happy place you’re in? Is that the life you would want for your daughter? How would it feel if you were the MW being cheated on.
    OWs are delusional, sad and emotionally scared.
    Don’t try to tell me otherwise. Convimce yourself if you can.
    None of you OW want to accept that your MM does sleep with his wife, they have amazing times together and they have a history that he will never share with you.
    OW don’t get to have the real MM but an actor that puts on a show so he can have an outlet, another piece of ass and another secret.
    OWs are being used, I believe all women deseve happiness, respect, love. And all of it should be in the open, not covered or protected by lies, but a celebration of honest connection, bond with the man they love.
    If you have to hide, lie and cheat then is not a real relationship…is fantasy and make believe.
    I choose real life for me.
    You can choose what you may, but there are consequences.
    You OW hurt people, families. You weaken the mankind by not demanding or expecting to be fully and rightfully loved.
    Sad….

    • Honestly, Sad….I don’t have to “convince” you of anything. I know my life, I know how I feel and I know that I am loved unconditionally. Live in your bubble of judgment. That, in MY opinion, is the sad part…you are living life with blinders on. So many things you can miss that way.

      I can just shake my head at some of your comments. Some MM DO sleep with their wives. I’ve seen this from OW who have written here. I know that mine does not. They have no “amazing times” together, but they do show a united front when they go to a school event. I accept this. This is how it SHOULD be, even if they were divorced.

      What are you not getting that I am NOT hidden? We go out frequently. We do not cheat on each other. We have a mutual love and respect for each other as well as a friendship. But, you wouldn’t know this because you don’t know US. If you saw us at a party, or out to dinner, or walking in the park, you wouldn’t even think that these two people were anything other than a couple. How many times do you see others walking hand in hand, laughing, smiling, joking around with each other? Do you ever think that they could be having an extra-marital relationship? You would never know.

      I don’t know what “outlet” you are speaking of, but if you mean that I give my guy an ear to vent about his job or car issues, etc., you’re right. I listen. An “actor”? Hardly! It would be impossible for anyone to keep up an “act” for the amount of time that we spend together and the amount of time that we have been together. Another piece of ass? Are you serious? With every comment you write, you show your ignorance about life more and more.

      Live in your little bubble, Sad. I, and every other OW knows the truth of their relationship. Yes, there are many truths in everything. Too bad you will miss some pretty good experiences by staying in that bubble. I’m not suggesting that you date a married man; I don’t suggest ANYONE do that. But there are experiences in life that you will fail to see because you are too blinded by your self-righteousness.

  34. I am not self righteous by any means. If you really want to know, I don’t even have blinders on and I am very open minded when it comes to life and relationship, marriage and partenership.
    Your MM is only with you part time, of course he is putting on an act. The real him is at home with his wife.
    You are really delusional to think he does not sleep with his wife.
    I guess you would need to believe that lie to you can be happy.
    If he cheated on his wife , he is cheating on you too.
    You say there is love and respect between you two.Real love and real respect is when you and your MM are fully and entirely commited to each other, only. When home is where you are. Where you both are.
    But I don’t have to convince you of that you already know.
    Going back to me.
    I have reconected with my first love after 20 years Of not knowing of eeach other.
    Yes we both love eachother still and we spoke about what happen to our lives and how our lives would have been different if we would have been together.

    We both are divorced from first marriages and remarried.
    We were both cheated on before and we understand that pain.
    Neither he or I,will choose to do what was done to us because we respect ourselves and each other and we love our husband/wife. The want has been there. But we make right decissions.
    If there was ever going to be a time when things would be different we would pursue eachother but there is no cheating or lying to our parteners just because of selfishness.
    Just because you say I might miss out on amazing experiences, it does not make it right to cheat or sleep with someone other then your spouse unless there is consent, or couples are swingers, or have open marriages.
    Like I said…I have no blinders on and I am not closed minded.
    I AM A REAL MARRIED WOMAN!

    • Sad….

      You really need to stop believing that if a man cheats on his wife, he’s also cheating on the OW. Yes, some do, but there are many who don’t because they found what they were missing.

  35. The man I am interested in is not married, but in a seven year relationship that, from what I hear and can see, is dying. He told me the other day he wants to be with me, but doesn’t feel he can end the other relationship. We haven’t been intimate but it is getting difficult. I also told him when we were having this deep convo that I won’t sleep with him while he is with her – albeit this is turning into an emotional relationship. So tough. Not sure what I should do but I appreciate this web site.

  36. OW , Happiness is a choice. I am pleased to hear that you are what your MM has been missing from his life.
    That’s the choice you made, to believe that YOU alone can fulfill ALL his needs.
    Lmao. Delusional much?
    That’s exactly why he is making an unconditional and exclusive commitment to you only.NOT!
    Wake up.

    • Sad….

      You will never understand the way things can be if you have never been in this situation. Delusional? No…not me. But you are delusional if you think that everything in life is cookie cutter perfect and if a man (or woman) cheats, he (or she) is just scum. You need to wake up and get a reality check. Things happen. Sometimes, they don’t happen the way we would all hope they would, but unless you have lived my life, you really don’t know anything.

  37. Hi,

    I found this site while doing researching anything that may help me understand what I am doing. I have been in a 20 year marriage that is in name only; long story but we have been faithful to this lie and one another the entire time. My overwhelming sense of loyalty came out of the blue but I have been miserable the entire time (and I’m sure he has as well).

    I went and complicated things by adopting 2 children; thinking my life would have purpose and I could get love thru that avenue….I adore my children; but kids weaken and test even a strong relationship and it has caused a lot of stress on this already broken marriage.

    I have gone without touch, communication, tenderness, understanding or even basis friendship for so long and felt I deserved to live that way. It took me almost 20 years to stand up and say I want/need/deserve more; unfortunately I found that with a married man.

    This man has also been married for 20+ years and has two teenage children; he is not happy in the marriage and is going thru a mid life crisis of his own; but ultimately for all his complaints; the marriage is still viable; they continue to have sexual relations and are civil to one another.

    He never promised me he would leave…but over the last 4 months; we have grown very close chatting all day and throughout the night and stealing moments to be together for movies, coffee and intimate encounters.

    Our chemistry is undeniable; but I spend so much time trying to counsel him on what to do to fix his relationship or end it and I’m in a strange position. I want him to be happy but the lines are becoming blurred.

    He hints that he is surprised that our relationship took this turn; he never had a problem with 2 previous affairs getting too serious.

    I am torn because we click so well together in so many ways; I just don’t know what to do. It is so hard when he tells me about their ongoing life and the good and bad times. My marriage is a lie….but is it reasonable for me to resent him sleeping with his wife and me from one day to the next?

    So confused.

    Thanks for listening.

    • Valerinagirl…

      Have you talked to your husband about ending the marriage? Is that not an option at all? There really is no sense in staying in a marriage where both of you are miserable. If you both feel the same, maybe it will be a relief to him as well as you if you bring up the idea of separating. You can then both talk about an amicable split. Divorce can be amicable…I’m living with one.

      There are a couple of things that bother me about this man you’re seeing. First, you say he’s going through a mid-life crisis, which could be the reason for his unhappiness now. You say that he is unhappy, yet he and his wife do have sex and that the marriage is viable. My question to him would be: why are you not working on making this marriage better? He’s had two other affairs already in his 20 year marriage, which is not the way to go if you have a viable marriage that you feel you want to save.

      You talk to him about his marriage and what he can do to either save it or end it. This is a decision that he needs to make. I’m sure he’s just as confused as you. Only he and his wife can decide where their marriage is going; is it going to be fixed, or is it going to end. He needs to take some time and spend it with his wife so they can talk things out. He can’t give his marriage his full attention when you’re in the picture. All the talking in the world isn’t going to help. If he’s truly not happy in his marriage, yet he’s happy with you, he will see that more clearly if you step away for a bit.

      The way things are now, you know he’s sleeping with his wife, and it hurts you every day. This isn’t how a relationship should be. Talk to him about this. Give him time to work it out in his own head what he truly wants. In the meantime, talk to your husband about separating. You shouldn’t spend one more day being in a loveless, miserable marriage and neither should he.

      I truly hope things get better for you. Keep in touch.

      • Dear OW and Valerinagirl,

        I’d like to add a comment here as well, if I may.

        Valerinagirl, your situation sounds so very familiar to what mine was several years ago. I made it a few years longer in the same type of marriage before realizing that I was living half a life, and I wanted to feel like a more complete human being, even if that meant I had to live by myself.

        OW’s advice is spot on — the first thing to figure out is what to do with YOUR marriage. What you describe seems tolerable as you are in it, but when you begin to experience life in a more loving relationship, you realize just how intolerable it has been. I don’t often suggest that someone get divorced — it’s not my place to do that. But, I can tell you, that when I finally made the decision to get divorced I began to live my own life – one that allowed me to become a much more complete individual and, best of all, a much happier person.

        I also agree completely with OW about your MM’s decision regarding his marriage. My relationship with my MM is somewhat similar to yours – at least regarding the long marriage and his commitment to that marriage. I realized that I never wanted to be the reason he chose to leave his marriage, if he were ever to make that choice. What he does is between him and his wife, with no pressure or input from me. Any other circumstances would mean I was the stereotypical home-wrecker other woman – something I never want to purposely become. I would suggest that you look at your relationship with your MM and determine if there is still the strong connection if you are no longer the sounding board for his marital relationship. If so, focus on that part, and let him figure out what to do about his own marriage without your help/pressure/influence, etc.

        As I began to recognize that I needed to get out of my marriage, I met a man who helped me see that I was heading down a new path – discovering who I was as a person, as a woman, as someone no longer considered part of a duo. That path took some time to navigate, and I made a few wrong turns along the way. But, I finally found out a lot about who I am and what is important to me. And, once I did, I found myself in a relationship that was healthy in all respects, though complicated by the fact that it is with a MM. But, by staying out of the dynamic between him and his wife, and letting him be the person who determines whether he stays or goes in that relationship, I can focus on what I have with him, regardless of his status, and regardless of what that relationship has or does not have. It probably would not work for many, but it works for us.

        I know how difficult it is to consider changing your relationship. Though it’s not great, it’s probably predictable and the lack of emotional connection makes it relatively easy to maintain. But, speaking from experience – once the decision to live a more complete life has been made, that will feel much better, and you will begin to recognize more about who you are and what you want from life and relationships.

        Gather your support system, let them help you through the rough steps, seek the support of others in your situation (as you have here) and figure out what’s really best for you, even if that means making some big changes.

        Your last question – about whether it’s reasonable to resent him sleeping with his wife and you, is one only you can answer. Some of us understand and accept this in our MM relationships (I’ve detailed my feelings about that and why I don’t have a problem with this in other posts so I won’t repeat my story here.) The fact that you are asking whether it’s reasonable to resent it suggests that you may not be able to accept that situation if this relationship continues. If you do resent it, and he is not going to leave the marriage (which, as many of the posts here will suggest, is unlikely), then you have to decide whether that resentment can be offset by the benefits of the relationship. Only you can make that call. Though each of us involved with married men share some common situations, every relationship is unique, and none of us can pretend to know yours enough to answer that question.

        I wish you luck as you navigate this step in your growth as a human being. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone — there are others who have been through this as well.

  38. I’m so glad I stumbled upon your site. I’ve been reading and reading, but I may have missed what I’m curious about right now…

    Without getting into too much detail, I’ve been with MM for two years now. He’s my greatest, dearest friend, and we love each other very much. We spend as much time as possible together…and with each others children. I’ve been divorced for several years and have three children who are in middle school, and he has a toddler. He and I actually met when his son was five months old and became close friends quickly–we didn’t start sleeping together until several months later. But our affair began as a friendship and has deepened and grown every day since.

    Which brings me back to the kids. We don’t even hold hands in front of my children because they’re older–hugging hello and goodbye, yes, and we can’t help but stand close to each other, but that’s it–but his son we are more affectionate around. My children love him, and they know that we care about each other very much; he loves my kids; I love his son as much as my own, and he takes to me and loves on me just as I hoped he would. All of this was his idea, meeting the kids and spending time together. Every week on his days off, he wants to make plans for all of us to do something together while his wife is at work. Have you come across any similar situations?

    • BIKy….

      One thing I don’t understand: Does your MM’s wife know he’s seeing you? If not, showing affection in front of a toddler can be a bit dicey. After all, toddlers do talk and they don’t have filters…they’ll say anything.

      Personally, I don’t know my MM’s child, but he knows my kids. He’s known them since they were really young. My youngest lives closest to me, so there are times when we will go out with him and his girlfriend. We aren’t really into the PDAs, but we DO hold hands in the car or when we’re walking when we’re with them.

      So…I’ll put the question out there….

      Does anyone else have a situation similar to BIKy’s? If so, reply to her post. Thanks!

  39. No, she doesn’t know. She found a few texts (fairly innocent, he played them off as work-related) between us last summer and told him if she caught him cheating, there would be a divorce.

    I completely agree with you–it’s so risky spending time with his toddler. So why would he want us to spend so much time together? I know he’s worried about what will happen with a divorce, so why would he tempt fate like that? He has to know that there’s a good possibility–more like a solid probability–that he’s going to out us at some point. Of course, I’m tickled to spend time with the kiddo–I love him like he’s my own. And MM forever says things like, “I wish I could bring him to you” and “he loves you so much” and “I want him to see you today.”

    I guess I’m just trying to understand what’s going through MM’s head, which is why I was asking if anyone had any similar stories. I’d be just as heartbroken over losing the relationship with his son as I would losing MM now.

    • BIKy….

      It’s definitely a risky situation bringing a toddler into the mix. I don’t know what motivates your MM to do this. You would really need to ask him, especially since his wife said that if he cheats, there would be a divorce. These visits are just asking for trouble.

      • I am held at arms length w my mm. He has met my kids and they lovehim. He stays from time to timebut have not met his kids. Have run in to them and his wife and about died!

  40. Hello,
    I have found your blog in my time of confusion. I have read many of your stories and understand it takes great deal to have a relationship like this.

    I am a uni student pretty much just out of high school. I wasn’t looking for anything… that wasn’t the intention. But I guess I found my other half or mirror image on the train home by luck.

    He had a girlfriend of 2 years who he was super “committed” to. I found this out through a friend. I guess he was willing to put it on the line for me. He pursued and I cockblocked myself…but he broke me down with his sweet words and eventually I gave in.

    When we were together we had great time, we made each other laugh… we valued the same things. We were also very open about our wants and needs.

    And I guess I am a fool but I didn’t see it until now. Reading through these posts made me realise… that he never really loved me and that he would always choose his girlfriend over me because he “loved” her and he was “attracted” to me.

    We would have these incredible dates. These extreme highs but he would always leave me for his girlfriend if she called. He would always text her in front of me… afraid she would get mad if he didn’t reply.

    I consoled myself, that she was his girlfriend and that was his duty to love her. So what was he doing with me.
    Please note we haven’t had sex though…sext many times but no sex.

    He could of walked away any time… he wasn’t married to her. I never pressured him into anything because it was not my place… it was not my relationship.

    The stupid thing is that I fell for him. Head over heels in love. He makes my heart race, butterflies in my stomach, I adore him, respect him and sometimes I want to be like him.

    So was it wrong to love him? Is it wrong to love? Or accept the love that you yearn for?

    But I get it now, I realise that from reading these posts I don’t have the man you describe… we don’t have that relationship… He was pretty much using me for what his girlfriend couldn’t give him.

    Thank you for helping me realise and I hope everyone here has the best of luck in their respective relationships.
    I am rooting for you. I hope everything goes well… because the man you have has definitely more balls than mine and seems to really love you.

    • Hi, Matters….

      I’ve always said that my guy and our relationship is unique to the OW/MM situation.

      No, it’s not wrong to love, but from what you said, I don’t think the guy you were with loved anyone. If he was so “committed” to his girlfriend of 2 years, he would not have started seeing you. If his relationship with his girlfriend was so great, but with something missing, he should have tried to make that right with her instead of jumping into an affair. His weakness isn’t your fault.

      The good thing is that you saw him for what he is and ended it. Use this as a learning experience. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve told my guy that if things ended with us, before I even considered dating again, I would type out a “Dater’s Application”. First question: Are you married/have a live-in GF/engaged/dating someone who thinks you are committed to her? While I don’t think my relationship is a “mistake”, I certainly wouldn’t want to date another “attached” man. I would want a nice, level “lazy river” rather than this “rollercoaster”! :-D

  41. Hey – I ran into your blog quite a while ago, and recently rediscovered you on Quora. I can’t thank you enough for your honest writing on this sensitive but ever-so-present, must-be-addressed subject.

    I’ve been involved with a married man for almost a year and a half now. I pick my words carefully, because while my first inclination is to blurt out that I’m in a relationship with him, I’m not even sure if I can call it that; we barely spend time together in person (which I am bitter about), and we talk only when he’s away from home and thus away from the watchful eye of his wife (which I am also bitter about, but what did I expect from a guy who’s scared shitless of being caught?). I’m incredibly jealous reading all these stories about women going out, having dinner, spending the night, having heart-to-hearts with the men they’re involved with. I’m insanely jealous that these men profess to love them, because mine goes limp (hah) when the issue comes up. Complicated.

    Whoa. I’ve never actually put any of this down into words, so I’m sorry if I don’t make much sense. (There’s a lot more I could have written, but didn’t…) I’m aware that my situation is much different from yours and most other MM/OW cases, but in any case, it’s good to have this page as a resource.

    • Hi, J!

      I know that my relationship is not the “typical” OW/MM relationship. How many of us OW actually get to go out in public with our guys???? Sometimes, I think this is too crazy to be true, but, I’m living it, so it must be true.

      I found Quora a while ago and love answering questions there! Questions are asked by people all over the world, so it’s interesting to see what issues others have.

      Just a suggestion here….but….if your guy is paranoid about being caught, my e-book How NOT to Get Caught is available (shameless plug…. ;-) ).

      I hope everything works out with you and your guy! All the best!

      • Haha, trust me – he’s no stranger to extraordinary measures. In fact, I wrote an anonymous Quora answer about the lengths he’s gone to prevent detection by friends and family. If there were some kind of award for being risk-averse, he’d win it; David Petraeus could have taken a few pointers from him.

        My fear, I think, is that he’s simply guilty about spending more time with me. If I ask him for dinner and a movie, and he tells me he can’t make time (ie, come up with an excuse to be out of the house after work), I can understand why. Still, I can’t help but read between the lines and assume it also means he doesn’t *want* to.

        Thanks for the good wishes. Someday, I’ll check out your book…

  42. MattersOftheHeart,
    I agree with OW. It’s great that you were able to realize things before you and him crossed the line into sex. I have been seeing a MM for about 8 months and am married myself. My husband and I have been married for 6 years but I have been unhappy for 2 of them. Me and my MM have a great time when we are together but like you he always has to respond to text anytime his wife sends him one. It’s really frustrating and takes away from the little time he and I get to spend together. He says he loves his wife and never going to leave her but of course he didnt’ tell me any of this until after we got intimate. He made me believe he was in love with me and gave me the false hope that he and I could be together one day. I know first hand how difficult it can be to get over someone that you are so deeply in love with. I have to see my MM Monday-Friday because we work together. I am looking for a different job of course because it’s hard to be around him knowing that I’m still in love with him but yet he can’t reciprocate the feelings. I commend you for figuring out all of this stuff so early on. I hope you find the man of your dreams that can give you the love and attention that you deserve.

    • He says he loves his wife and never going to leave her

      One of the worst things for an “other” woman to hear, even if it’s merely implied. Even worse when you’re the one making sacrifices, while he’s having it both ways. I hope the best for you – man who gives you the love and attention you deserve – and I hope you post here again with an update.

  43. Talk about confusing and painful! I am with someone now and it has been just over 3 months. We worked together for a while and I have since left that job, but that is how we met. He is on assignment and lives in another city and one of the painful things is he doesn’t know when he is due to return.
    He has a girlfriend of 17 years who lives in his hometown. I have known about her all along, and I definitely went into this with my eyes open. I have had flings before with married guys and thought, I’m a big girl and I can handle this. Stupid me. It has been the most awesome ride at times, he is amazing in many ways, caring, thoughtful, funny, generous, and well of course the sex is just mind blowing. He does not talk about their relationship much, mostly out of respect for her. If he bad mouths her, he feels bad, and I understand that. But it is getting harder to hold this together. He mentions she is difficult to live with and that it is a too-good-to-leave but too-bad-to-stay type scenario. Yet, he loves her, clearly he does.
    I wish I could put my feelings in a box and just accept this situation. But sometimes I just give in to my worse side and ask him why he can’t simply choose me, move to my city, and be with me? We don’t fight but it gets emotional when this happens.
    There are no kids in their relationship but a long, shared history, obviously.
    This man is driving me insane. I am constantly distracted at work and struggle to get him out of my mind. I have a great life, am fit and active, have a successful career, and scores of guys who ask me out, hit on me etc. Yet I only have him in my heart!
    Thanks so much for this site, Other Woman. It is comforting to know there are other women in similar situations

    • Ying….

      If he’s driving you that crazy, maybe it’s time for you to back off.

      I’ve asked this question many times to those who comment here: Would you accept what he’s doing if he was single? Would you be this patient with him?

      Think about it.

  44. And to OW, owner of this site. Thank you very much for having this here for us. despite the negative comments, (they are just opinions and meaningless); this is a great place to share with each other, our experiences. P.S. I wrote a very lengthy comment in another area of the forum. I apologize for not keeping it shorter, I just had so much to say. Again, thank you. :)

    • Hi, Joy!!!

      I saw your other comment and didn’t reply since it was addressed to someone else. But, I’d like to thank you for giving her your views. It doesn’t matter how long or short comments are…you said what you needed to say.

      I knew in the beginning that I would get negative comments and have a pretty thick skin. I won’t let the negativity make me end this site.

      Thanks again for your comments.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>