Add “Bat-Shit Crazy” to My List of Titles!

************, you are so utterly deluded, I find myself literally lol’ing at what you have to write. :)

Now I have gone from being a “very delusional person” to “utterly deluded”.   Again…at least I still have the power to make someone laugh.  :-D

And we’re not done yet!!!!!  Here we are on April 10 at 6:33 PM

You say: At 10, she should be able to understand that she would probably see her dad more if he wasn’t living with her.

This makes no damn sense!

Followed by this: I miss not knowing his daughter. When I go on vacation, I always make it a point to bring something home for her.

You have FAILED in your effort to replace his wife. Now you want to replace the wife as MOTHER of her own child?!?

You can deny that all you like, as you didn’t actually type out the words. I’ve read your entire blog. The fact that you desperately WANT to replace his wife, but have continuously failed for the last 11 years comes through loud and clear.

I’m sure that WH gives your gifts to his child. You really are in denial, OW.

There is absolutely NO universe in which his daughter is going to accept you. The fact that you are trying to buy her speaks to your level of desperation.

The only hope you ever have of getting WH is if his W finds out, kicks his rump to the curb and divorces. He might then settle for you. Or not.

So, you can’t see how not living in the home my MM’s daughter will probably see him more?  Let me explain:

He is with me right after work and gets home when his daughter is in bed.  He says a quick “good night” to her, then it’s time for him to get to sleep because he has to be up at 5:00 AM to get to work.  He works all day Saturday, then he’s with me until 1:00 or 2:00 AM.  During the summer season, we work together most Sundays at our weekend job. 

If he was living with me, he would be able to get his daughter after work and take her for dinner a few times a week.  That’s more than what she’s getting now.  She would also be able to go to our jobs on Sundays and maybe help out.  More time to spend with Dad.  I don’t have to work these jobs, so I could stick with her to make sure she’s totally safe.  Does that make me want to replace her mother, or just play “babysitter” for a day?

You seem to be under the impression that I am trying to “replace” his wife, but that isn’t the case.  I’m quite content with the relationship as it is.  Yes, I would like to know his daughter, but that’s not possible right now and I don’t know if that will ever be possible.  Even if  my MM and I end up living together at some point, I will not want to be a “replacement mother”.  She has a mother and that will never change.  I’m not about to take someone’s child away from them.  Goddess knows that I raised my two boys and I don’t want to raise someone else’s child.  That doesn’t mean that I can’t care about her well-being or wouldn’t be there if she needs another ear to listen if she has a problem.  I would care for her as I care for the younger children of my friends.  I also would never try to turn her away from her mother (because that is what you seem to be implying). 

I don’t know where you get that I want to replace his child’s mother because I bring her something back when I go on vacation.  You say that I’m showing desperation by trying to “buy” her.  By “bringing something back” I mean that I’ll bring her a pretty shell that I find, or a key-chain or one year, I brought a small vial filled with sand from my beach with tiny shells mixed in.  I doubt very much any of these things would “buy” a child’s love and acceptance.  His daughter knows me as a friend of her father’s and the “mother” of my two fur-babies that he brings home when I’m on vacation (my condo association doesn’t allow pets) and I’m the one who watches HER pets when they are away.  So, yes, he does bring his daughter the stupid little things I bring back for her.

I refuse to go over the same dead horse over and over again about how his daughter will not accept me….EVER.  I have said that my MM (WTF is “WH”?!??!?) and I have discussed this subject.  The longer the lie goes on, the less chance there will be of being accepted as even just a friend, nevermind her father’s girlfriend.  

I have not FAILED to take my MM’s wife’s place.  I never tried to take her place.  Yes, this relationship has been going on for 11 years, but I’m not looking to be anyone’s wife.  This would be the case even if I was seeing a single man.  I was a wife…been there, done that, got the divorce.  I don’t need to be married.  

Now I need to point out that you are taking my situation and comparing it to yours.  You are obviously still bitter about your husband’s affair.  I don’t know if the wound is still fresh or if you’re letting the bitterness grow and fester instead of moving on with your life.  Just by your many comments to me, I can see that you can’t let go of this hurt (that also shows in your email address, which I will not make public here).

Maybe you were a wonderful wife who doted on her husband.  Maybe you had no idea that he was cheating on you until it came up to bite you in the face.  That sucks…and I don’t mean that sarcastically.  It really and truly sucks.  But, I can tell you that my MM is NOT like your husband.  He married someone who stopped loving him.  Their lives took different turns, but for reasons of their own, they will stay together, but live separate lives unless there is something they must do together for their daughter. 

I hope that you are able to let go of the hurt, because if you can’t your life will continue to be miserable. 

This person obviously doesn’t agree with my relationship with a MM, yet she kept reading and responding.  She is a prime example of those who cannot accept that sometimes, life throws us curve balls.  I never thought that I would be in a relationship with a married man….NEVER!  But, never say never.

For The First Mrs and those who feel the same as she, I need to again say that most OW did not set out to look for relationships with married men.  Marriages fail and affairs happen.  Some are one-night stands while others, like mine, are long-term.

Personally, I don’t agree with women who actually DO look to meet married men.  I don’t understand actually searching for this kind of life, but, it happens.  I suspect that many of these women aren’t in it for anything long-term, they are just enjoying the moment.  Is an affair all the fault of the other woman, no matter what the circumstances?  No….absolutely not.  But, the OW  gets all the blame.  SHE is the “home-wrecking whore”.  What about the men who allowed the affair to happen knowing that they are married (at times to great women who do nothing but love them and want to make good homes for them)?  They never seem to get blamed for this.  It’s always “Boys will be boys” or “Men weren’t made to be monogamous”.

I’ve said it before and it’s worth repeating:  A man who is happy in his marriage will not cheat!  He may look, but he won’t touch because he respects and loves his wife.  “But, honey, I was drunk” doesn’t fly as an excuse.  A happily married man who has a great wife should know his limits and to not put himself in the position to be “seduced” by another woman.   But, a one-night stand with a stranger is one thing; a long-term relationship that is both emotional and intimate  is another.  That means there is REAL trouble in the marriage.

No affair is the same.  They happen for many reasons.  Black and white don’t apply to this topic.  Don’t try to make them apply.

 

 

 

 

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82 thoughts on “Add “Bat-Shit Crazy” to My List of Titles!

  1. I ally more on the side of the woman who looks for this life. Although I didn’t not search for a married man, I have found that it suits me. I have found that I don’t need to make my situation more palatable to myself nor to anybody else.

    I don’t care that he lies. They are his lies so let him deal with it. I don’t care that he cheats. His marriage is his problem so let him deal with it. I don’t care if anybody else thinks he is a bad person because he lies and cheats. I like him and that’s all that matters to me. I don’t care what other people think of my choice. That’s their problem.

    I only care that I enjoy my time with him. I enjoy his adoration. I enjoy his attention. I’ve only to call him and he comes running. I enjoy the intimacy that’s completely in the moment. I enjoy him. At the end of the day, I can go back to my own space and enjoy my own company. When I end it with him, it will be without regret and I shall shed no more than a few tears.

    What’s ‘bat shit crazy’ is trying to secure a future and everlasting happiness with marriage.

  2. You have many valid points that I do agree with. Not using the child as a pawn. Not replacing the mother and yes his relationship was not good. But does that justify your involvement? Bc it wasn’t intentional? Unfortunately, just because people are commenting does not mean they are bitter. What I see is three selfish adults placing their needs above a child. 1) A mother who is married that did not negotiate with her husband 2) A husband who felt neglected and placed his emotional needs above the child and is role-modeling an affair 3) A selfish woman who thinks it is okay to role-model an affair to her own children and his because I fell in love.

    All three of you, need counseling or you would not be in the situation at all and yes you are repeating patterns that are dysfunctional that you learned in childhood because although you claim to understand black and white thinking you are using it to justify your own involvement.

    When your children or his child repeat the pattern, maybe you will be able to accept your role in it. No one is saying it is all your fault but you are responsible for your role.

    • J…

      Whatever dysfunction I had in my family growing up had nothing to do with cheating spouses and I’ve learned from my parents’ mistakes.

      As for trying to “role-model an affair” to my children….you truly don’t know what you’re talking about. My kids know my guy and have known him for about 20 years. They know I’m seeing him, but we don’t flaunt his marital status to them. The not flaunting has nothing to do with “embarrassment” over our relationship, but it just never came up.

      You sure think you know a lot about me, my guy and his wife, but, you don’t. Please leave the amateur psych 101 at the door. Thanks.

  3. Have you ever thought of the possibility that your involvement is allowing this man not to grow to his best potential? If you truly loved him you would let him go.

      • First of all he is not your man. Every night he goes home to a woman he loves. He gives her his money. He loves her and he made promises to her.

        And yes, cheating on his wife inhibited his growth potential. Doing bad things is bad for your soul. Godess does not want us to lie, break promises, and hurt people. She holds us responsible for what our actions do – you can’t just say it is up to him.

        • Well, Black Iris….

          We obviously see things differently. He is mine on so many levels…we just aren’t married. I see that once again, you are under the misconception that he loves his wife because he supports her. How can he NOT support the mother of his child????? Even in a divorce, a man will have to support his child’s household. Does that mean he still loves his wife?

          I believe that Goddess sees love and happiness. She also sees the truth in everything. If things are as I believe them to be, she is smiling at us. If they are not as I believe, then I will accept whatever punishment I deserve. I had a long talk with Goddess about his years ago. I doubt she would steer me in a direction she didn’t approve of.

  4. It is easier to see the solution in someone else’s life than your own. That is why I can see it, however I do understand that their are emotions involved and their would be a grieving period if you decided to choose the high road that would allow this family an opportunity to heal.

    • J….

      This is truly getting redundant. The relationship between my man and his wife had ample opportunity to heal before I came into the picture. She was not interested. Now please let it go since you know nothing of our (all of our) situation.

  5. Have you ever looked into your pattern of being with unavailable men and what belief you have of yourself that would allow you to disrespect yourself?

    • Are you serious??? What “pattern” do I have with being with unavailable men? I never planned to fall in love with a married man and if this relationship ends, I will not get involved with anyone else who is in another relationship no matter how bad he says it is.

      Once again, you prove that you don’t know anything about this. Give it up.

    • You know, J, I didn’t realize that you are allowed to say whatever you want, yet I’m not allowed to respond as to how it really is. My bad.

  6. I mean heal for the child. Not the marriage. If you were placing the child first, you would not be involved no matter how much you “believe” you love this man.

    • Good gods….here we go again with the Psych 101. I’m done being a case study for someone’s class.

      Obviously, J wants so much to be right in her theories that she refuses to see that not all affairs (or PEOPLE for that matter) are the same. But, if I try to explain, I am being “defensive”.

      Sorry, J….I’m done. I seriously don’t see why you insist on reading a blog about a relationship that you obviously don’t agree with. Is it just so you can have your 15 minutes of “blog fame” to show the world how self-righteous you are? Whatever your reasons, I’m done playing. This is a dead end. Now, you can tell everyone that you were “right” because I no longer “defend” myself or others who may be in a relationship with a married man. If that makes you feel superior, I’m happy for you.

  7. Anyway, it is quite good luck to you and the children involved. I guess if your goal is to place your needs above the child. Then you are both succeeding.

  8. No I don’t need to be right in my theories. They just oppose yours. There has been numerous studies done on the subject. I tend to agree with statistics that’s all. Yes you may be one of the outliers but that is rare. Besides this is coming from judges, lawyers, counsellors with numerous years of experience in child psychology. They are the experts.

  9. No I respond on your blog to maybe show one open person that there is another way other than yours. They have options. Blame is a pattern if behavior that can be changed and patterns are not planned they stem from your upbringing and your subconscious. Just because you are not open to healing does not mean someone else reading this may be ready for that journey to reflect inward.

    • J, you respond to this blog post in a way that paints you as a superior being.

      You actually have very little idea of the subconscious motivations of any other person nor are you correct in assuming any other person is closed off to healing. Even to assume a person requires healing is presumptuous and arrogant as is assuming that people do not inwardly reflect on their choices.

  10. I have been the OW for the past year and a half. And in the past, I have been the W who’s been cheated on. So, I have lived on both sides of the fence.

    I read with interest, both Other Woman’s comments and J’s comments. It is clear that J has been the “cheated on” and had not yet reckoned with the reasons for a failure in her marriage.

    When I was the “cheated on”, I blamed my poor husband profusely. When, after 33 years, we decided to end the marriage, as he was running away to live in another state — and really not running to another woman — I was angry and villified him.

    In the process, I developed a very close relationship with a man I had known for a year or two. As we were working on something together, for a friend’s business, we had great opportunity to communicate. During that time, we talked much about the failure of my marriage. He made me see a man’s perspective, as he, too was in a bad marriage, which was emotionally abusive for 47 years.

    Yes, I have fallen in love with this MM. I didn’t intend for it to happen, nor did he. We started out as two friends, trying to help each other through very difficult times in our marriages. For me: he helped me to understand that men have needs that often, their wives ignore or turn a blind eye to. The more I analyzed my marriage, I realized that yes, I was a super mom, an outstanding businesswoman, a great companion, but a terrible wife. In the end, I realized that my husband was not a terrible person, just a very unhappy partner who’s physical needs had been ignored for oh so many years.

    For my MM: he has come to realize that his wife has been emotionally abusive for most of their marriage, He cooks, cleans, does everything that she wants, and receives nothing in return: no affection, no physical intimacy, no touching, no caring, no sharing — nothing other than companionship. Not much of a marriage; yet his spouse continually tries to blame him, control him and guilt him into believing that he is terrible to her and does nothing that she wants.

    I give him love, affection, care about his wants and needs, and I make him feel like a man. She gives him nothing except grief and arguements; and emasculates him as she gets the chance. Is it any wonder he fell in love with me? I have asked him repeatedly to try to fix his marriage. On several occasions, he approached his spouse and summarily dismissed. How many times to you send the MM home to the W, before you finally give up trying? Until a spouse is ready to accept blame in a failed relationship, there is no changing that spouse. They are righteous and believe they have clearly been wronged. But upon close examination, that spouse will see things differently.

    We all need to remember — including “J” — IT TAKES TWO!!

    • People cant control their feeling when they are in love and if they are married,u are not thinking of their partner,u only thinking about ur feelings.How u feel when u with them and how they treat u not the. wife or anybody else….So all those that do not approve of the ow r om being with a mm or mw it not up to u to decide 4 the ow r om especially when 1′s heart is in it.We dont know what happen with the wife or husband for them to look else where,we just know we met and it felt good and we fell in. love ………We mite have been looking. for. sum 1 to fill avoid we cant help they was m.And if the affair is lasting longer then what was ex-spected how is that the ow fault or the mm they fell in love and enjoy each other that all anybody want when u with sum 1 u cant fix a situation that dont involve u if it was. mess up from the start u mite be just that listening ear a person need so they can vent and it went a little farther.So my advice to all wifey or husband dont let what ever problem u having get so far where ur partner have to look else where for the attention they should be. getting at home then u want have to worry about them with the ow or om

  11. Okay Amy agreed then I also agree that the blogger is presumptious to assume that his wife is raising the child wrong and the child will need counseling. I am advocating for the child. She is the innocent party.

    • ROFL!!!!!! Sorry…had to comment here….

      J….you are so wrong! Ami said YOU were being presumptuous and arrogant in your comments. You need to learn to read….it was obviously directed at you, not me.

  12. Ok OW I am wrong you are right. You win. The child needs counseling bc her mom does not love her, the wife is a horrible person that needs to be punished, and you are perfect.

    And yes I know it directed at me I agreed. However, I see displays of the same behavior in your blogs.

    • J….

      Seriously….I don’t think I ever said that her mother doesn’t love her. In fact, my guy’s daughter is loved very much…by BOTH parents. What I have said is that I feel that it’s wrong to talk badly about one parent to a child, which is what my guy’s wife does at times. No…it’s not what he tells me…it’s what I heard from her own mouth. She is not a “horrible person” in general, but she is horrible to my guy and his family. She stopped loving him. It happens, but don’t try to turn your child away from the other parent. It’s not fair.

      As for the child needing counseling….let’s face it, the situation isn’t a good one. I never said it was. One day, she is going to realize that her childhood has pretty much been one big lie. Not that her parents didn’t love her, but that they didn’t love each other. So, yes, she may need someone to talk to to figure out how she feels about all this. My guy and I have had many talks about this, but ultimately, he needs to do what he feels is right for his daughter. I can’t have a say in this matter whether or not I agree with him.

      You love to put your own spin on things by misinterpreting things that have been said. What I write about is my personal experience in this. It’s not to paint me as a saint and his wife as the devil. It’s about our relationship from beginning to present. It’s not about who is right and who is wrong; it’s about who is right for HIM. Doesn’t he deserve some happiness? Actually, his wife deserves to be happy too, but she’s obviously not happy with him and hasn’t been happy with him for a long time (before I came into the picture).

      You say there is “no right or wrong, only a difference of opinion”. Well…if you truly believed that, you would let it go and not try to use my blog as a case study for your psych 101 class.

      Sometimes, things happen and I tend to vent (like when I hear my guy’s wife tell his daughter that “He doesn’t have time for you” especially after he spent a week doing all sorts of “father/daughter” things). It’s how I feel at the time. It must be nice to be you and never have anything that gives you reason to need to vent. Oh…wait…you DO vent!!! But I’m the one you vent about! Oops! My bad.

  13. I will apologize for the spelling mistakes. I guess those rank up there with an affair….LOL

    I am a horrible person.

  14. Oh she can’t vent? You can vent on here and I can vent to you. Glad we cleared that up. That is what I find so funny. You can place expectations on her and be her judge and jury, however if someone places the same expectation on you. That is outrageous. It is the same behavior.

    • See, J….this is what makes your comments so ridiculous. His wife can vent all she wants, but NOT to her child. No matter what happens between the husband and wife, the child should NOT be subjected to either talking bad about the other. That’s not just for my guy’s wife, but for ALL wives and husbands. It only causes more conflict in an already conflicted life. But, I guess you don’t agree with that. Do you feel that if there is a problem in a marriage that the child should be brought into it and told that “Your mom/dad is an awful person who doesn’t love you”? How could that be the right thing to do?

      Once again, I am telling my experiences here. It’s not to show how “wonderful” I am and how “horrible” his wife is. My guy and I do NOT have a perfect relationship. Nobody does. We have our fights and minor disagreements, but we work them out. Unfortunately, whatever happened in his marriage went beyond the working out stage BEFORE I entered into the picture.

      You read between the lines and claim that I am his wife’s “judge and jury”, but I don’t judge HER. As I’ve said, NO PARENT should talk bad about the other to a child. Period. Not just my guy’s wife, but ANY wife or husband. So now, I guess you’ll decide I’m judging everyone. It’s not judging; it’s common sense (which you seem to be lacking).

  15. Common sense is relative. It is an expectation. You are doing to this woman what I have done to you. Raising the bar. So if you see me as acting superior and getting my ten seconds of fame.

    Well then you must see yourself as superior to her and getting your ten seconds of fame.

    It is the same behavior. On a different subject.

    • Ah….to be able to live in your perfect world where every marriage is perfect and that if there is divorce, they are all amicable!

      The only bar you are raising is in showing your ignorance. You’re not acting superior….you’re acting like a fool.

  16. No I have not been cheated on. If my marriage failed, yes it would be our failure. However, does that justify the neglected party putting their needs above their children?

    In all the divorce seperation classes. They teach common principles.

    1) respect each other
    2) do not say mean or hurtful things about the other parent
    3) financially support
    4) emotionally support and
    5) do not have an affair.

    Apparently we are allowed as divorced individuals to pick and choose which ones we would like to follow. Whichever suits our needs at the time and we are allowed to choose which behavior the other party must follow as well.

    Two wrongs do not make a right. I felt neglected therefore I can cheat. End the relationship.

  17. I guess I should place my ego, my feelings and my needs above the children of society and have an affair with a married man so he can blame his choice to cheat on the wife for her neglectful behavior.

  18. Aww, *********, I’m so flattered you’re trying to use your 107 i.q. to respond to my comments. :)

    You say: Now I need to point out that you are taking my situation and comparing it to yours.

    You are old enough to be my mother. I am around the same age as your MM’s W. That is about the end of the similarity.

    Then you say: You are obviously still bitter about your husband’s affair. I don’t know if the wound is still fresh or if you’re letting the bitterness grow and fester instead of moving on with your life.

    Actually, I’m quite happy that my XH revealed who he really is, so I could kick his ass to the curb. I got his house and his money. :) OW got him, his debt and inability to be faithful. All in all, a great deal for us both. ;)

    You then add: Just by your many comments to me, I can see that you can’t let go of this hurt (that also shows in your email address, which I will not make public here).

    You attacked posters that disagreed with you, adding that they didn’t read your whole blog. I read your whole blog, over the course of a few days. Your blog is both hilarious and pathetic. I was literally lol’ing; way funnier than late night t.v.!

    As for my own hurt, I have ‘let it go’. It took me years to D my XH, b/c … he didn’t want to get divorced. He’s still whining about it. Mean ol’ XW wouldn’t let him have a wife & OW.

    Armchair diagnosis fail on the e-mail. It’s a Stones song & movie, you should remember it from high school.

    • Once again, I have to tell you that no names are used, so I had to edit your comment. Also, once again, I need to inform you that just because you found out who owns this site doesn’t mean that it’s me. I happen to be the WRITER, not the site owner.

      Your bitterness is quite apparent in the way you feel that you must insult me in every comment that you send. Seriously? 107 IQ? You’re not only bitter, you’re just rude and I won’t be spending any more time on you after this. However, I guess I am worth YOUR time since you have subscribed to this site. If you insist on being insulting, I will have to insist on deleting your comments, not because you disagree with me, but because in your disagreement, you are unnecessarily nasty and condescending.

      I’m very glad that you feel that you know me, my MM and his wife. Amazing how you “know” that I am old enough to be your mother and that his wife is YOUR age. You sure pretend to know a lot, but you really don’t (at least not when it comes to my life).

      You’re so proud of the fact that you divorced your husband and took his house and his money. Bravo!!!! I guess it wasn’t enough for you, though. Now you feel the need to belittle and insult anyone who is involved in an affair.

      By the way, I don’t “attack” anyone who disagrees with me, but, if I am attacked, my claws will be out. The difference between you and me is that I do not resort to name-calling or insulting anyone’s intelligence. I guess you do this to make yourself feel better. I don’t need to do those things.

      • I’ll abide your house rules and no longer refer to you by name. :)

        You said: Also, once again, I need to inform you that just because you found out who owns this site doesn’t mean that it’s me. I happen to be the WRITER, not the site owner.

        I see I touched a nerve.

        I was neither rude, nor insulting to you in my response. Your response, however, was quite vitriolic. That is to be expected, as you attack when disagreed with. In lieu of having a valid point, you resort to deflection.

        You keep making assumptions, and like most, they’re totally wrong. You posit how I feel, that I’m bitter, that I’m proud that I divorced my XH, that I belittle adulterers, etc. That’s a whole lot of guesswork there, huh?

        You say: Amazing how you “know” that I am old enough to be your mother and that his wife is YOUR age.

        58-ish is old enough to be my mother.

        I’m going to enjoy this lovely day; hope that you do, too!

        • I’ll abide your house rules and no longer refer to you by name. :)

          You said: Also, once again, I need to inform you that just because you found out who owns this site doesn’t mean that it’s me. I happen to be the WRITER, not the site owner.

          I see I touched a nerve.

          See…the thing is….the name you were using is not my name. Why bring an innocent party into it?

          Other than that, I have nothing more to say to you. It’s so not worth my time.

          • You really think you know so much, don’t you. Sorry to say, you don’t know as much as you think you do (or would like other people to think you do). Get over yourself.

          • WOW!!! You have appointed yourself Accuser, Prosecutor, Judge and Jury! Will you also be playing the role of executioner? Truly you suffer from delusions of grandeur……

            And you call ME “delusional”……

          • You say: You really think you know so much, don’t you.

            Again, you are assuming alot again.

            You are exactly who I’ve been addressing you as. You’re getting defensive and going into attack mode, as shown here: WOW!!! You have appointed yourself Accuser, Prosecutor, Judge and Jury! Will you also be playing the role of executioner? Truly you suffer from delusions of grandeur……

            I’m simply stating a fact, yet you’ve decided that I am all of the above. You demonstrate yourself to be grandiose over and over again.

            Then you say: And you call ME “delusional”……

            This blog is a testament to how selfish, delusional and self centered you, like most OW, really are.

    • Anybody with a rudimentary understanding of the internet could have stooped to the level you did.

      Not impressed.

      That said, your intent is disgusting and sad, I was under the impression from your assertions that you were quite happy. Your behavior here demonstrates something otherwise.

      ::shrugs::

  19. Wow you are so manipulative. You deflect and insult this woman and you pretend to not do it.

    The First Mrs., please remember when someone cross argues with you it is a form of deflection so they don’t need to take responsibility for their actions.

    • This is very interesting. “The First Mrs” says I have an IQ of 107, is condescending and calls me “bat-shit crazy”, yet I am the one who insults HER? I think you have your viewed a bit skewed. I haven’t insulted anyone. I have never stooped so low as to play the “name-calling card”. You and your “friend” obviously don’t agree with my relationship, but that’s no reason to keep on about it as you both do.

      We either have a tag-team here, or you two are one and the same.

  20. In response to “Jane”, actually in affair situations it takes three.

    All three are responsible and accountable for the roles they are choosing.

    • If you would re-read comments, I don’t believe I was the one who pointed out your spelling or grammar errors, so you are wrong in your comment. I did not insult you, however, you have insulted all OW by insinuating that we’re too stupid and/or selfish to “do the right thing” as you see it.

  21. OW you insult every women on here who was cheated on. When you point the finger, remember there will always be three pointing back at you.

    • And I thought I replied nicely. Is it “insulting” to point out that I have nothing to do with THEIR husbands’ cheating? I guess it’s OK for them to insult me, but if I point out that I realize they’ve been hurt, that’s not OK. Got it.

        • I have no idea who “BW” is.

          And I never said I was not responsible for my relationship. I chose to let it continue and I make no apologies.

          • You continue to blame XX’s W for his A over and over. The implication being it is the W’s fault that you are having an A w/her H. So, yes, you do skirt responsibility for your conscious choice to sleep w/her H and continuously trying to destroy her M.

            The blame is squarely on you and XX.

  22. Just because you don’t use name calling does not make you innocent. You use other methods, deflection, cross arguing… They are all as mean and hurtful.

    • I don’t know what “Comments on forgiveness” you are referring to. If it’s a comment that you made, you need to understand that I will no longer be engaging in your little game. I may reply now and then, but not to all of your comments because, like “The First Mrs”, you really aren’t worth the effort.

      I will tell you this, though….if the two of you continue to comment just to try to make the same points over and over and over and over again, I will have to start deleting. It’s as simple as that.

  23. Well either the comments were lost or edited. This is an emotionally charged subject and like I said. I read your blog with the intention of understanding your position. However, the lack of empathy towards the child got me.

    I am going to forgive myself for getting involved and forgive you.

    • I don’t edit comments unless, in The First Mrs’s case, names are used. Other than that, comments are kept as is.

      You could forgive yourself, but there’s no reason to forgive me for anything. I’ve done nothing to you.

  24. OW, you keep judging people who try to talk about the pain of being betrayed. Don’t think they are crazy or projecting. Deal with the content of what they say. They may have wisdom you need.

    • LOL!!! Seriously??!?!?! I’M judging? OK…I guess it’s OK for me to be judged, but if I point out the obvious flaws in others’ statements, it’s not OK.

  25. If the man you are sleeping with wants to spend time with his daughter, all he has to do is go home after work or on the weekends. The two of you are depriving her of the relationship she should be having. Someday she will know this and be very hurt and angry

    I do not think he should get a divorce so he can take her away from her mother to be with you and him. I think he should truly put her first and leave you.

    • Unfortunately, Black Iris, it’s not that simple. His daughter has activities after school that keep her away from home. She goes to hang out with her friends (with mom watching every step), she has sports practices and dance lessons. He goes home early enough most nights to have some father-daughter time.

      Even if he is divorced, he will not take his child away from her mother, so I have no idea where you are getting that from. What he should do is what he feels is right for the child. This is what he feels is right.

  26. OW

    Thank you for your website. You are correct the OW is not a whore or home wrecker we find ourselves in love with a MM. I don’t understand why people like J, Black Iris or the First Mrs are even on this site. It is not for them. We are not asking to be judged by them or preached at. I am sure there are sites for them and their recovery. Does commenting on you and your life make them feel superior? Maybe. But maybe they should focus more on their relationships and less on reading and posting on this site.

    • Thanks, Sam!

      I agree. J actually has gotten much better. In the beginning, she was rude and nasty like the First Mrs, but I believe someone other than me told her to check herself, and she did. While she didn’t change her opinion on OW, she did begin to show some respect by not being rude. I must applaud her. Black Iris, if she continues to dole out her closed-minded “advice” to those who have posted months ago (or even recently), I will no longer be approving her comments. My site is not a place for her to “advise”. I think I’m doing nicely all by my lonesome.

      Anyone not in this kind of relationship couldn’t really understand. While I can see where they will think it’s wrong no matter what, I am able to see the in-betweens. It’s not an either/or situation. I think a lot of the misconception is in the idea that EVERY married man who cheats is a lying scumbag and every other woman is a home-wrecking whore. Some people can’t see the shades of grey in there. I hope that some of these women who judge so harshly never find themselves or their loved ones in a situation they have previously judged.

      Thanks again!

  27. I think we OW need a place like this just to share our stories and get advice. Most sites are directed to the betrayed spouse and how to fix your marriage. What if the marriage can’t be fixed. What if he goes back but is unhappy and living a “life of quiet desperation” My affair recently came to light. His wife saw and email exchange that made her question our relationship. It was rather innocent we never really used email because they share a computer, but this comment made her go all CSI and dug deep.

    She said their relationship was over. He said he was actually relieved and “took his ring off.” Then his oldest child found out there was something wrong between mom and dad and was upset. MM ended it with me. We were planning our future at 3:00 pm and at 6 it was over through a text. He is worried about his kids, but the youngest is in his late twenties they are not little kids who could not handle this.

    My MM is older than me, probably too old if I was honest but I love him. I am married and his wife told my husband. My husband has been pretty good about this, he knew something was off, just not what. We are trying counseling but I can’t stop thinking about my MM. I have not been able to talk to him. I got a text that it was over. I am trying to figure out what happened, I need some closure on this but I am also trying to respect his working things out with his wife. We have had no contact, but I do not know if that is his doing or hers. I have gotten emails from her telling me to stay away and I have, but not from him. I feel like I need him to tell me.

    I think about him every day and I try not to. Should I try to contact him? How can I stop thinking about him and worrying about him and start figuring out what to do with my life? If anyone besides the First Mrs (I know what you think) has any advice I appreciate it.

    Again thank you Other Woman, you have started something that I and others like me need.

    • Hi, Sam…

      I’ve seen some of the sites about the “poor, betrayed wife”. The one thing that’s lacking in those sites is balance. Yes, there are some wives who are blind-sided by an affair, but there are others who treat their husbands like absolute dog poop, then wonder why he turned to someone else. The same goes for husbands. Some do everything in their power to give their wives a good home and everything that they want, yet the wives cheat. Others are controlling and abusive and are shocked when their wives tell them they are leaving for another man who treats them right. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a comment on one of these sites saying, “I treated him/her like crap and he/she reached the end of her rope. When divorce came up, I used the kids as a weapon, so he/she stopped the divorce talk. I thought I won until I found out about the affair.”

      Now…about your man….

      He allowed his adult child to dictate what he should do with his life? WOW. His wife must have really laid it on thick for this adult child to hammer into dad! I also can’t believe that your man broke it off with you in a text! I’ve heard of kids doing this (and I think Russel Brand did that to Katy Perry), but an adult (yeah, I know…but can Russel Brand really be considered an adult?)? I know that you probably don’t want to hear this right now, but it’s better that you found out how easily this man can be manipulated by his family. I would think that with adult children, they could be spoken to honestly about how mom and dad have fallen out of love and both were unhappy. I would hope that these adult children would be happy to know that one or both parents are now able to find the happiness they have been lacking for so long.

      Right now, you need to concentrate on you marriage. Your husband is going to counseling with you, so he’s willing to work things out. Make an honest effort with him. It can’t be easy for him. Hopefully, you can rediscover the love that brought you together in the first place.

      Don’t contact the other man. He has shown himself to be weak in that he would rather live in misery than admit to his (adult) kids that his marriage was a failure. His wife told your husband not out of concern, but because she wanted him to leave you, so you would have no one. It didn’t work. Contacting this man will do nothing. His wife could be getting his emails and texts and could use any you may send to put a larger rift in your marriage. Don’t let her do this. Sometimes, we need to know when to fold ‘em. I think this hand is played out.

      Good luck with the counseling! This could be the start of a new life with your husband. Not many men could accept this, but he can. Enjoy him.

  28. Thank you so much for that. I know I need to hear it and I know what you say is true deep down, but I am so stupid and weak sometimes. I miss talking to him and seeing him and we always did such great things together. I keep saying to myself I just need to talk to him one more time just to figure it out, and I know it would not be just one more time, if he would even talk to me. Which if he didn’t would kill me, but I understand the no contact rule. And if he could cut me out of his life that easily then what did we really have. The affair was not really long but we knew each other for years. I tell myself that this is just the first break up and we need to talk and he will see his kids would understand etc, etc, etc. But then I feel so stupid. I am so grateful I have you to talk too. While I am talking to a therapist they are don’t understand the situation like someone who has been there.

    His wife does want to make it difficult for me, she has her lawyer checking up on me which I know is just one more reason to walk away. I need the strength. Every time I feel the urge to contact him, I am going to re-read your post and try to be strong and stay away. I know I am such a cliché but cliches exist for a reason.

    I wish you the best of luck in your life and will continue to check in when I need a reality check or a boost to stay strong.

  29. Hey Sam:
    My MM is 17 years older than me and has 2 adult children whom he uses as another reason to stay married. He is very close with his children and has stated that they know he and his wife are in a loveless marriage but because of the façade they have all portrayed over the years the children would rather be able to brag their parents have stayed together then say either parent followed their heart.

    Being so much younger at times I feel my life slipping away, growing older and knowing I will be “alone” forever. We have been together for 7 years now. He has met all my children but I may never meet his. We don’t live too far apart and in smaller communities so our time together is when he can get far enough away having a valid “excuse” so as to not make his wife or adult children suspicious. As it stands now we see each other for about an hour 1 time a week. I don’t doubt his love for me as we talk every day but as life changes I do miss when we had more time together.

    I love this man and will stay committed to this relationship, if we can really define it as that now but knowing that as he and I age he will be even less inclined to make the 1 hour visit weekly. I suspect in a few years when he is in his mid 60’s he won’t be making as much time for us. He has a hard time now as he is working, focusing on plans for his future retirement and spending time with his grandchildren. I feel I cannot be selfish and ask for more given his list of commitments to supporting his family in all ways. He and I have spoken about a more “real” relationship but he was the only money maker in his family and his financial commitment to keeping her in the life she has become accustomed would devastate him. Moreover, his children expect him to be there when they need him without reservation and pleasing them is most important to him.

    I guess my point is that one of the reasons I fell in love with this man is because he is so dedicated and responsible. He is committed and very loving to those he loves. So alas I sit alone more often than not, hoping for 1 hour together which is often lost because of his need to help one of his. I am still here and probably will be forever but made me love him has shown it can be just as difficult as well.

    Sam, your MM may have chosen family for himself and as hard as that is we can give him some credit for being a dedicated father which as we all know, sometimes is not the case. Be strong!

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