Are you the other woman?

My relationship began 8 years ago.  There are good times and bad times, but so far, we’ve gotten through it all together.  There are times I’d like to just cut my losses and run, but then there are other times when I can’t imagine my life without him.

When we first got together, his daughter was 2.  I understood why he couldn’t leave his wife because his daughter was so young.  He was afraid that his wife would take his daughter away.  Now that she is 10, that reason, in my eyes, has become an excuse.  At 10, she can’t be taken away without her being able to contact her father.  At 10, she should be able to understand that he is unhappy, not with her, but with his life at home.  At 10, she should be able to understand that she would probably see her dad more if he wasn’t living with her.

He is with me almost every night from the time I get home from work until at least 11  PM when he goes home.  He’s with me almost every Saturday….all day.  He’ll leave my house after midnight on those nights.  When he’s with me, he always makes it a point to call his daughter around bedtime so he could say good night.

I miss not knowing his daughter.  When I go on vacation, I always make it a point to bring something home for her.  I pick shells off the beach, or bring something home from whatever attraction I visit.  Of course, she can’t know that whatever it is comes from her dad’s girlfriend.  The gifts come from a “friend”.  I would love to be able to bring my man and his daughter with me to my condo in Florida.  I want to show her my favorite spots.  I want to walk on the beach with them.  I want for them both to know that part of my life.  Hell….I want her to be able to spend the weekend here with us so we could do the things that normal people do (go to the park, visit museums, take day trips, etc.).

So, no….it’s not perfect.  It is what it is, and for now, I have to accept the way things are until I decide I can’t do it anymore, or until HE decides he needs to make a change in his living conditions.  We’ll see where this goes.

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6 thoughts on “Are you the other woman?

  1. I’m in a affair myself. 4 yrs this coming March. I feel the same when I get told things. I say they’re “excuses”. I enjoy his company, but I still desire a real man to come into my life. Like rescue me from this senseless relationship I feel trapped in.

    • I don’t know what the relationship is like with your married man. Do you see each other often? Do you go out with him or are you stuck in the house? Does he have kids? Are you sitting around waiting for him to call? If you don’t see each other and you stop doing the things you enjoy just because he MIGHT call, then you will feel trapped. It’s taken me a lot of years to realize this.

      When you think of the “excuses”, you have to do it with an open mind. Again….took me a lot of years to figure this one out too. I used to work for attorneys and I saw a lot of divorces. If kids are involved, it can be a nightmare! As wrong as it is, there are women who will use these kids to get even with their husbands. And when I say this, I don’t mean only in cases where there was an affair involved. No matter what the situation, divorce is expensive! Even if a wife doesn’t get all that she wants in the settlement, she can drag it on for years, which means legal fees up the wazoo! And that could be even if NO kids are involved.

      So, if you feel trapped, get out there and meet some new people. Take a class in something that you enjoy. Most cities and towns have a recreation department that offers adult activities like sports, where you can meet new people. They even sometimes offer classes in art appreciation or music. Go out with friends and have a good time. Karaoke, dancing….all ice breakers!

      If you continue reading all of my posts, you will see that accepting is a process. It doesn’t happen overnight. A few years ago, I was where you are….feeling trapped and thinking he was just giving me excuses. Then I opened my mind and realized that this is how it has to be. Whether for now or forever. In the meantime, I’m able to enjoy my time with him more.

    • There are all different reasons for cheating. If a spouse changes so drastically that he or she is no longer the person you married, what do you do? Let’s say divorce isn’t an option. If a person is miserable at home and there’s no way out due to whatever reason, isn’t that person entitled to some happiness? It’s not so much being selfish as preserving one’s sanity.

  2. You say: At 10, she should be able to understand that she would probably see her dad more if he wasn’t living with her.

    This makes no damn sense!

    Followed by this: I miss not knowing his daughter. When I go on vacation, I always make it a point to bring something home for her.

    You have FAILED in your effort to replace his wife. Now you want to replace the wife as MOTHER of her own child?!?

    You can deny that all you like, as you didn’t actually type out the words. I’ve read your entire blog. The fact that you desperately WANT to replace his wife, but have continuously failed for the last 11 years comes through loud and clear.

    I’m sure that WH gives your gifts to his child. You really are in denial, OW.

    There is absolutely NO universe in which his daughter is going to accept you. The fact that you are trying to buy her speaks to your level of desperation.

    The only hope you ever have of getting WH is if his W finds out, kicks his rump to the curb and divorces. He might then settle for you. Or not.

    • So, you can’t see how not living in the home my MM’s daughter will probably see him more? Let me explain:

      He is with me right after work and gets home when his daughter is in bed. He says a quick “good night” to her, then it’s time for him to get to sleep because he has to be up at 5:00 AM to get to work. He works all day Saturday, then he’s with me until 1:00 or 2:00 AM. During the summer season, we work together most Sundays at our weekend job.

      If he was living with me, he would be able to get his daughter after work and take her for dinner a few times a week. That’s more than what she’s getting now. She would also be able to go to our jobs on Sundays and maybe help out. More time to spend with Dad. I don’t have to work these jobs, so I could stick with her to make sure she’s totally safe. Does that make me want to replace her mother, or just play “babysitter” for a day?

      You seem to be under the impression that I am trying to “replace” his wife, but that isn’t the case. I’m quite content with the relationship as it is. Yes, I would like to know his daughter, but that’s not possible right now and I don’t know if that will ever be possible. Even if my MM and I end up living together at some point, I will not want to be a “replacement mother”. She has a mother and that will never change. I’m not about to take someone’s child away from them. Goddess knows that I raised my two boys and I don’t want to raise someone else’s child. That doesn’t mean that I can’t care about her well-being or wouldn’t be there if she needs another ear to listen if she has a problem. I would care for her as I care for the younger children of my friends. I also would never try to turn her away from her mother (because that is what you seem to be implying).

      I don’t know where you get that I want to replace his child’s mother because I bring her something back when I go on vacation. You say that I’m showing desperation by trying to “buy” her. By “bringing something back” I mean that I’ll bring her a pretty shell that I find, or a key-chain or one year, I brought a small vial filled with sand from my beach with tiny shells mixed in. I doubt very much any of these things would “buy” a child’s love and acceptance. His daughter knows me as a friend of her father’s and the “mother” of my two fur-babies that he brings home when I’m on vacation (my condo association doesn’t allow pets) and I’m the one who watches HER pets when they are away. So, yes, he does bring his daughter the stupid little things I bring back for her.

      I refuse to go over the same dead horse over and over again about how his daughter will not accept me….EVER. I have said that my MM (WTF is “WH”?!??!?) and I have discussed this subject. The longer the lie goes on, the less chance there will be of being accepted as even just a friend, nevermind her father’s girlfriend.

      I have not FAILED to take my MM’s wife’s place. I never tried to take her place. Yes, this relationship has been going on for 11 years, but I’m not looking to be anyone’s wife. This would be the case even if I was seeing a single man. I was a wife…been there, done that, got the divorce. I don’t need to be married.

      Now I need to point out that you are taking my situation and comparing it to yours. You are obviously still bitter about your husband’s affair. I don’t know if the wound is still fresh or if you’re letting the bitterness grow and fester instead of moving on with your life. Just by your many comments to me, I can see that you can’t let go of this hurt (that also shows in your email address, which I will not make public here).

      Maybe you were a wonderful wife who doted on her husband. Maybe you had no idea that he was cheating on you until it came up to bite you in the face. That sucks…and I don’t mean that sarcastically. It really and truly sucks. But, I can tell you that my MM is NOT like your husband. He married someone who stopped loving him. Their lives took different turns, but for reasons of their own, they will stay together, but live separate lives unless there is something they must do together for their daughter.

      I hope that you are able to let go of the hurt, because if you can’t your life will continue to be miserable.

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