Being The Other Woman Is Rarely Planned

Contrary to popular belief, there aren’t many women who make a conscious decision to be in a relationship with a married man.  I say “not many” rather than “any” because there are always exceptions to every rule.  There are women who do go out looking to hook up with married men.  These women, though, are usually gold diggers looking to snare a rich guy who will take them on trips, buy them cars, jewelry and sometimes homes.  I am not like these women.

Trust me when I say that if I were to specifically look for a married man, I would be cruising the yacht clubs in Miami and Fort Lauderdale.   His wife would be in the marriage for the money just as I would be in the affair for the money.  While his wife was with him doing volunteer work and going to boring country club and business dinners,  I’d be taken on trips all over the world on his private yacht (hence, the looking in yacht clubs) and I’d buy my jeans and tank tops (I wouldn’t need sweatshirts since I’d winter in Florida and summer in Nantucket) at Neiman Marcus instead of Old Navy.  I’d drive a sporty little BMW instead of a Chevy and I would NEVER buy my Nikes on sale again!  As for those $2 flipflops…fuggetaboudit!  I’d buy the $20 flipflops with the ridiculous flowers and a nice big platform so they’d give me some height.   My maid would clean up after me, the gardener would take care of the perfectly manicured lawn and flowers, the pool boy would make sure the water in my screened in pool and adjoining spa were at the perfect temperatures and pH balances and my house would be kept at a constant 70 degrees.  What a nice world it would be!  ::::::::::::::POP:::::::::::::::

OK….the bubble  has burst.

My guy has a blue collar job and drives an almost 20 year old car that can in no way be considered “classic”.   He can’t afford to take me on trips and he doesn’t shower me with clothes, cars and jewelry.  He works two jobs to keep up with bills and when we go out to dinner, we very rarely go anyplace that has tablecloths.  We don’t have much, but we have more than a lot of people.  What we have can’t be bought.  We have a terrific intimate relationship, but we also have a lasting friendship.   Neither of us would lightly give up what we have with each other.

We’re not together because we planned it, we’re together because life happened.  I’m not a “slut” or a “whore”.  I don’t have “low self-esteem” as some have said in their comments.  I don’t feel “unworthy” of a single man who can give me 100% of himself so I “settled” for the married man I’m with.   I’m not “deluding” myself into thinking I’m happy and that he loves me.  I know these things.  I’m not “wasting” my time with him.  Would things be better if he wasn’t married?  In some ways, yes.  He wouldn’t have to leave me at 2 AM to drive an hour home.  I’d be able to know his daughter.  We’d be able to go to my condo together every now and then, even with his daughter, so I could show her the Florida that I’ve known since I was a kid.   Does any of this make me want to get rid of him for a “nice single man”?  No.  Does it mean that he still loves his wife if he’s not divorcing her?  No.  People can’t seem to wrap their minds around the fact that there is no black and white when it comes to infidelity.

Every relationship has down sides.  In my relationship, the ups make up for the downs.  No…not many women plan for this.  It’s not easy being the other woman.  No matter how busy you are, there are nights alone, vacations alone and holidays alone.   I can hear it now; all the cheated on wives “tsk tsking”.   I can guarantee that all of the “other women” who are reading this aren’t sleeping with happily married men.   If a man has a mistress, he’s not really happy in his marriage, is he?

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40 thoughts on “Being The Other Woman Is Rarely Planned

  1. I’m glad I read this. I have been the “Other Woman” for over a year now. My relationship with him was going great until last month he told me his wife was expecting their 2nd child. I know he loves me and he says he is not going anywhere. But at times it gets really hard for me. you’re a strong person…good luck

    • @ Connie. As a former other woman I encourage you to get out of the relationship. Not because it is bad or wrong or any of the “morally right” reason but because he is still involved in his marriage. I have been in this spot and it is horrible. I spent over 3 years with my MM. We had been friends for nearly 10 years before we became involved. If I asked him today if he loves me he would say yes but he has no intention of ending his marriage. A second child means even less time to spend with you. I actually regret the last few years with him. I knew then I was unhappy but couldn’t seem to get out of the relationship. I am now single and looking for a single man who can be there when I need him not when it is convenient.

    • Connie….

      Yours is a very tricky situation. You’ve been with this man for over a year and last month, he told you that his wife was pregnant with their second child? I’m going to be absolutely straight here: If that was me, I would cut my losses and move on. If I knew that my man was leaving my bed and going home to one he shares with his wife, I wouldn’t be able to overlook that. Think about it…he says he loves you and isn’t going anywhere, which would, IMHO, mean that he’s not happy with his wife and is pretty much stuck in the marriage, yet he makes his marriage more difficult to leave by having a second child? I don’t know the full circumstances of this second child’s conception…his wife could have “forgot” her pill, or the condom broke, or whatever…but there is one thing we all know with absolute certainty: He is still sleeping with and having sex with his wife!

      I know it’s hard, but if I were you, I would seriously consider ending it with him. FormerOtherWoman makes a very good point by telling you that a newborn will surely mean less time with you. Not only that, but it should also tell you that he really isn’t even thinking of ending his marriage. He’s not thinking about being with you. His wife is having a baby! She’s going to need him around….doctor’s appointments, then the birth, sleepless nights….and what happens if his wife goes into labor and he’s with you?

      I don’t know what he’s been telling you about his marriage, but the bottom line is that he DOES still have a marriage, including the intimate part. Please, please, PLEASE reconsider your relationship with him. I really see nothing by extreme hurt in this for you.

  2. Thank you for being so open. I’ve recently found myself of possible being in the the position of being the “other women”.. I’ve know a guy for about a year now through work, and we’ve become friends…. I just found out he has feelings for me. I’m not sure what to do, because I have feeling for him as well…. He and his wife have only been married for 3months. Any advice would be helpful

    • Hi, Katie….

      If this guy has only been married for 3 months, I would step back if I were you. Give the marriage a chance. Obviously, he loved this woman enough to marry her and whatever “feelings” he may have for you weren’t strong enough to change his mind about that. I doubt his little “crush” on you will develop further while he’s still in the honeymoon stages of a marriage. Check your feelings at the door. This can’t work out in a good way for you, sorry to say.

  3. This is so true. Years ago I worked a very Boring job! And one day my friend suggested I “prank text” a friend or hers as a joke. 5 years later I’m falling in love with him. He is my best friend.we have so much in common and We have wonderful conversations, we can talk for hours! I’ve never had someone that knows me better them him and vise versa. And we only recently have been physically intimate. He’s not rich. He’s a musician and works at Starbucks! He doesn’t buy me things or take me on vacations. But when we are together their is something wonderful that I have never felt before. His wife is mean to him and constantly puts him down. It is my nature be caring and I love knowing that I can make him happy when usually he is very sad. I am not in the right place to have a good relationship right now and there are reasons he can’t leave her right now. We never meant for any of it too happen and we admit that we both Like eachother more then we should. But you can’t stop your heart from falling in love.

  4. Hi, I work with a guy who has a girlfriend and a son who he lives with both. I really like him and all and he tells me that he and his girlfriend are not doing well and all, but it’s hard for me to stop talking to him. We have not been intimate but have talked about it. Sometimes when I talk to him, he has to hang up quickly because his girlfriend would have walked in the room or something. He then tells me that he and her are going on a vacation together next month, I was under the impression that they werent doing well, so whats with the vaca. And now I haven’t really heard from him for the past 3 days, I’ve called him and text him a few times but no response. My feelings are just very hurt. Why start talking to me when you have a family? Not really taking my feelings into consideration.

    • Hi, Jazmine…

      First, let me address the vacation thing. My man goes on a family vacation each year. That’s because he has a daughter and why should she suffer because he and his wife have issues?

      Now, you say this guy has a girlfriend and a son that he lives with. Bottom line here is that he has a girlfriend. They are tied together because of their son. This is never going to change. I don’t know how old their son is, but it doesn’t look like he’s going anywhere. He and his girlfriend need to work out whatever problems they have or separate. Your feelings shouldn’t be hurt because you haven’t heard from him. He could be very confused about what to do at this point. Is his relationship really not good, or is it just “not good” because it’s not all sunshine and roses because they’re parents?

      He’s a man and some men act impulsively. He could be caught up in the idea of being with someone new, but do you really want to become intimate with him only to have him realize that he can’t do that to his family? If you’re hurt now, imagine how you would feel then. If the conversation turns to sex, you need to let him know that as long as he’s with his girlfriend, there’s no chance of it. He can either accept that and remain your friend, or he can stop talking to you altogether. If he stops talking to you, at least you’ll know that all he wanted was a little action on the side. You need to think of your feelings because, obviously, he isn’t.

  5. I wish I would have seen this sight back in the day when I was involved in my affair. At the time, there was not only no support but also, not much information about the taboo subject available…. and that was only a few years ago. I spent the next few years after researching the subject and wrote a book – titled: Being the Other Woman. Which is how I happened to stumble onto this website. I just want to commend you on the support and help you have offered. As I suspected, our stories are always different but the same.

    • I started this site as a way to vent some of my frustrations and relay my experiences. I knew that there were others like me and thought I might get a few comments. I’m happy to see that in evolved into a place where other OW feel comfortable to tell of their experiences also.

  6. I was just talking to my MM the other day about how we didn’t plan for any of this to happen. It just did. I didn’t wake up one day and think, “Hey! I think I’ll go out and get myself a married man!” nor did he wake up and decide to cheat on his wife. He is my best friend/lover/supporter/companion/inspirer, and I wouldn’t trade what I have with him for a “nice single man”. We’ve been through a lot, in a short period of time, and I’m happy where I’m at right now.

    I have struggled with the guilt. I’m way over it now. I don’t feel bad for his wife anymore. If she had just given him a little attention instead of focusing on her career, he wouldn’t feel neglected. (They spent approximately an hour and half together every day). If she had put in the slightest effort into their marriage, he would not have turned to me. And also, [he says] he got married for the wrong reasons (and I believe him), but he’s not going anywhere. I’m not here to judge his wife, I don’t know her. I just know he’s an affectionate man, and she pushed him aside.

    He has a child, a beautiful son. Like you, I wish I can meet him and get to know him, take him to the park, and bring him to the aquarium. I would love to take him with me on vacations, and attend his school activities. I don’t want him to leave. He’s a wonderful father, he’s always there for his son. He’s never denied any of his son’s requests, and his son is the most important person in his life, as it should be. I am proud he is not a deadbeat, he is truly worthy of being a father.

    It’s only been six months, but it feels like years. I don’t know how long I’ll be doing this, but for now, I’m happy where I’m at. I struggled with it a lot, and it took a lot of heated arguments for me to learn to accept things the way they are. Of course, I wish he weren’t married, but that doesn’t stop me from loving and caring for a man who loves me just as much.

    Unlike you, I don’t have a support system. My friends would not approve of a relationship like this. I’m so happy I found this blog! It’s been hard not having someone to talk to about this, and I smiled knowing that you are doing well. I actually went back and read all your posts, from day one. I am happy you are able to have so much time with your man :) I see my married man every day after he gets off work, and we have date nights at least once a week. It’s a lot more time than others may get, and I’ll take it. No, I don’t feel like I’m getting crumbs. His son deserves his time, and I wish I can be there with him, but I’m not going to make him choose between spending time with me or his son. I wake up to Good Morning calls, and we end the night with Good Night. I just happen to get a California king bed all to myself.. and my two cats.

    How do I know he loves me? He goes out of his way to show that he’s thinking of me. He showed up one morning before he went to work to cook me breakfast because I had sprained my ankle the previous night. We always celebrate “holidays” before the actual day, not after. We do things normal couples do, like laundry, cook dinner, take out the trash, washing dishes, movies, date nights. He helps out around the house, and while he may not be supporting me financially, he supports me in every other way. Someone who sees me as a “piece of tail” (haha that’s just too funny) would not take out my trash, bathe my cats (why put themselves through hell?), or take care of me when I am sick.

    I didn’t plan to be here. I didn’t wake up and make it a mission to date a married man. But I have no regrets. Many people spend their lives seeking the kind of love that we have, and some never find it.

    Thanks for reading :)

    • There are so many people out there who just think that if a woman is in a relationship with a married man, she’s a whore….no matter what. These people need to know that this is NOT the case. For the most part, the MM who turn to OW aren’t happy in their marriages. They stay for a variety of reasons, usually because there are young children who would be hurt to not have daddy around.

      No…we don’t wake up one day and set out to seduce a married man. Most of us thought long and hard about starting our relationships. We know the pitfalls. We know the odds of our men moving in with us. But, as you said, you could tell when someone loves you or if they are just using you. Someone using you for sex doesn’t do the things for us that our men do. Your man bathes your cats (which, as a former cat “mommy”, I consider a suicide mission!), mine bathes one of my dogs (the other needs to be professionally groomed). We talk every morning when he’s on his way to work and then again when he’s on his way to see me. Through all our time on the phone, his wife has not once called him. She gave up on him, so why should this good guy be forced to never again be shown affection?

      Yes, it’s a rollercoaster ride that we choose to be on, but, for the most part, it’s worth it if you find the right person.

  7. Obviously I never imagined I’d be in the situation I’m in..I mean, what girl dreams of falling in love with a man who is already in a relationship with another? Yet it happened and two years later here I am commenting on a post about a subject I never thought I’d find myself in.
    In my opinion, you have the best case scenario that anyone in our situation can ask for, so I think its important for other OW out there to realize that too. You have been with your MM for years and the unique facts in your situation give you the confidence and security that comes across in your posts. 
    I’m interested in how things between you and your MM were in the beginning. I’ve been with my guy for almost 2 years and it has not been easy. We’ve had our relationship struggles that every so-called “normal” relationship goes through along with insecurities and jealousy that only seems to be intensified by the fact that he’s in another relationship.  Just wondered how you two handled that.  
    Anyways, I’m so happy to have found your blog! Its great to have a place where other women in our situation can read and relate to such a taboo subject without the usual ‘whores’ and ‘home-wrecker’ comments.

    • Nona…

      Thanks for reading. I’ll be addressing “the beginning” in a new post. Let’s just say that for a while, it wasn’t pretty!!! LOL!

      Yes, my MM and I do have something that most don’t have in this situation. We’re very lucky in that respect. We have a lot of time together (just about every day), but it wasn’t always like that.

      I’ve lost a couple of friends because of my relationship, but I don’t feel that I lost that much because I really don’t want judgmental people surrounding me. These were the people who weren’t interested in my feelings or if I was setting myself up to be hurt…they were just people who didn’t care what the circumstances behind the affair were. They just felt I was wrong….period. My true friends talked to me about the risks of dating a MM and told me that they would be there no matter what. They were a bit “suspicious” of him at first, but as time went on, they realized that he actually does love me.

    • In the beginning, things weren’t easy. We didn’t talk for weeks sometimes. I made sure I was out of the house when I thought he’d be around. Each time, we sat down and talked it out.

      Now, it’s still not easy. The only difference between now and then is that early on, I was focused on not understanding why he couldn’t just pick up and leave his wife if he was so unhappy. Now, I’m more worried about his daughter and how she will grow up to “understand” how relationships work. What happens when it’s time for her to date? All her life, she has never seen affection between her parents. Even before me, my man’s wife wouldn’t let him hug her “in front of the baby”. How crazy is that?!?!?!? Now, years later, his daughter sees her father sleeping in the den, cooking his own dinner (or bringing it home), and never sees him getting a kind word. How is this going to effect her relationships? If I thought it would make things at home different, I would step aside, but that wouldn’t help. It’s frustrating to think that there’s nothing I could do to help make her life more “normal”.

      We just had a talk about how his daughter will react when she finally is told about me and realizes that her whole childhood has basically been a lie. I hope she realizes that her dad made his choice to stay because he loves her. But, no matter what, I think any chance of her having any kind of relationship of me is shot. This is what makes me sad.

  8. i been the ow for6 yrs no he is not married he has a girl friend of11 yrs and he is 41 and o am 26 we also have a three yr old daughter . i have been in a scary dark place for 3 of these yrs and now im looking for a way out

  9. Here’s my story…Me and my man started talking 3 years ago. Him and his wife have 3 kids together…1 child is theirs together, the other 2 are hers from previous men..he did adopt the other 2 after they married. When we started talking they had been married for almost 5 years. In the beginning I did ask him why he was willing to do this with me. He told me that she is a constant nagger, they don’t ever share a bed together anymore, she’s jealous and possessive….Our relationship has been 95% phone calls, emails, some texting (we do this on a daily basis)…We have seen each other a few times…We live in a small town where everyone knows everybody so it’s hard to see each other often…plus if he tries to leave the house for whatever reason she gives him the 3rd degree or asks him to take one of the kids with him. Over the course of our relationship (or friendship rather), I have dated other people, kept my options open, but we always kept in contact. We both care about each other deeply…He has said I love you to me on a few occasions and of course I say it back…I would never ask him to leave his wife. I know he wants to be there for his kids…I respect that. Anyways…last week we were out of town together for the first time since we had been talking. That was the first and only time we have been intimate with each other…3 years in the making! And well being with him in that way just made me fall even deeper in love with him. It was amazing finally being with him like that….i’m more confused than ever now. My feelings are so conflicted on this situation now because I know that in reality “we” will probably never be an “us”. I knew that the odds were against me when we first started our friendship, but I never fathomed it would have lasted this long…Never dreamed I would have fallen in love with him, but I did..I need advice! Should I stay? Should I go? Should I just continue on with how things are now and hope for the best and see what happens?? I’m so lost…I love him so much.

    • Only you can decide whether to stay or go. You say that you’re aware that the two of you will never be together, but do you really KNOW that? What makes things harder for him to leave his wife is that he adopted her two kids from previous relationships. He may feel that by leaving his wife, the kids will feel abandoned by yet another “father”. That’s not something anyone would take lightly.

      It took him 3 years to be with you intimately for the first time. How long are you willing to wait for a second time? You also need to think about all that could happen if his wife found out about you. You say you live in a small town. If your affair was discovered, she would be able to cause you a LOT of trouble! Are you prepared for this? Being the other woman is never easy. We go into our relationships knowing that the odds are against us ever really being with our men. Affairs happen for a wide variety of reasons, but, whatever the reason, if children are involved, when the affair is discovered, it’s the other woman who will be eliminated 9 times out of 10. This is reality. You were only physically with this man once. It’s so easy to romanticize the situation. You’ve never seen him sick, or tired, or annoyed. You don’t know if he helps around the house, or if he gets along with your friends and family. You don’t know if he sleeps like a baby or tosses and turns all night. Does he steal the covers? Does he like the windows open or closed? Is he adventurous? Is HE possessive? Does he stress out easily? So far, you’ve only had the best of him. Really knowing someone comes with time together. What happens if he leaves his wife and you realize he has too much baggage or bad habits for you to handle?

      You need to really think things through. Again, no one can decide for you. Think about everything that can go wrong, then ask yourself if it’s worth continuing or if you should cut your losses. I know it’s not what you want to hear, but that’s what needs to be done. Good luck!

  10. I just met the man of my dreams. He was everything i have been looking for!! The only problem is we met at his bachelor party!! We had an amazing connection and def sexual chemistry. We did kiss the night we met and have kept in contact every day since. He says things that make it seem like he in interested on more then a sexual level but he’s getting married soon. We have made plans to meet halfaway between where we live (5 hours apart) and have a night together. He has also asked me to come visit him when hes out of town which will be after he gets married. I’m going into this with the mind set that he’s just a hot piece and i’m just having fun. I dont understand how he can want to cheat and says he doesnt regret anything and still think its right to get married. Obviously, nothing would happen with us in a relationship way, no matter how perfect we are for each other, because i would always think he was cheating on me. I’ve been told by everyone that we both know that he has never cheated, they dont know what has been going on, and that hes an amazing guy. It just doesnt make sense!

    • I know you didn’t ask for my opinion, but I have to give it anyway: RUN!!!!!

      The man isn’t even married yet and is already talking about cheating? Sounds to me that this guy IS only interested on the sexual level. If he was unhappy with his fiance, he would be breaking off the engagement rather than planning on taking a mistress even before the wedding. He feels it’s “right” to get married, while stringing you along. Sounds a bit selfish, don’t you think?

      You may think of him as “just a hot piece” to have fun with, but you need to remember that there’s a woman planning on marrying this man….SOON! If you get together with him, her marriage will be over even before it started. Is this fair? People who know him find him “an amazing guy”, but all this just makes him a very good liar. Sounds to me like he’s living a double life. Do you really want to get involved with someone like this?

      You should really think long and hard before you decide to meet up with this guy. With someone like this, you don’t know how many women he’s currently sleeping with. Just sayin’……..

  11. Thanks for sharing your comments, it makes me feel comfortable talking to people that will understand me without judging me first. I’ve been the ow for 3 years now but unlike all of you I’m married with 2 kids and he is married with 3 kids so we see each other weekly but not for too long because we both have a family to go to and I guess that’s what have been helping me balancing my not so perfect marriage. The only thing is making me suffer a little now is that I like my lover more than I like my husband

    • xgirl…

      I can see how it would be difficult for you and your man to see each other, but at least you have some time together.

      I guess we all need to do what is right for us in order to cope with every day life…your way (and your lover’s way) was to find someone who can give you the happiness you lack at home. Is this a bad thing? Some would say “yes”, but then, who are they to judge?

      BTW….of course you like your lover more!!! Your husband wasn’t making you happy…HE is! ;-)

  12. Hi i have just come home today after spending 5 days and nights with my lover at his home and am feeling pretty lonely now. Start from the beginning but keeping it as short as possible, i met my lover back in 1994 when he was in a relationship already but i fell in love with him anyway and we carried on the affair for over a year until he told me his girlfriend was pregnant, i was shocked as didnt think they had intimate relaitionship altho to his defence he never told me they wasnt anyway with that we agreed to go seperate ways and he would stay and do the right thing by her. it was about year later we bumped into each other again by this time we both had married but the spark was still there between us but as before we ended and went seperate ways. i then got divorced and founf someone new whom i had 8yrs with and 2 children by him they wasnt the plesent of years in my life consisted of mainly domestic violence cut long story shorter we split and i again after almost 9 years of no contact at all started talking to who was my lover almost 9 years previous and as before the spark and the love i had for him all those years before was still there but he was with someone else again not his wife they had divorced but his girlfriend and living together. I had been told by him and family members that their relaitionship wasnt good they live virtually seperate lives she works her business in the day he works his buisiness evenings so their paths rarely cross and there had been no intimatcy for over a year. We have been lovers now for over 3yrs we go away together occasionally for weekends when we can and like last week she went away so i stayed at his house with him and its been brilliant, he is everything i would wish in a guy kind, gentle, caring, giving, loving and really the most UN-selfish guy i have ever met in my life EXCEPT im technically the “other women” and i hate it but we have talked alot about just being “us” but i understand he has his childrens security to think about ie he has a home for them their own rooms when they stay which is alot and very regular and the house is rented from her friends so he might lose it and he is also worried if we was to have “normal” relaitionship would we end up going bad and stale as all his relaitionships have and he doesnt want that to happen as neither do i. i know he does really love me and im not a silly women being used for sex because thats just it our times together which is almost at least every evening into early hours morning is not just sleeping together because we dont some times we just chat all evening cuddle up on the sofa watching tv and having something to eat which 9 times out of 10 he has brought prepared and cooked for us both or we order takeaway. Not very short my story really was it sorry but now its back to tonight after spending 5 days/nights together and i miss him already and it has already as it always does go through my mind is this how it will always be for us? i do want more and he does know that, im not looking for him to move in or me move in with him things can stay exactly as they are between us but without the middle person the 3rd person in our lives (his girlfriend) but he cant/wont make that step and part of me says let go but the biggest part says hang on in there cause maybe one day and i love him so much i have never loved anyone as much or anywhere near as much as i love him and the thought of not having him in my life anymore is very much not a option and a thought i want to happen, life without him being part of it is life without a meaning to me because he means that much to me

    • Hi, Sue!

      The first thing that comes to my mind is that you and your man are taking a huge risk by you staying with him in his and his girlfriend’s house. You say it’s rented from friends of hers, so what happens if someone (a neighbor, perhaps) tells the girlfriend, or the landlords, that a “strange woman” has been staying with him whenever his girlfriend goes away?

      I’ll be going away with my man this weekend. One of his cousins is having a party at the shore and will be putting us up in a hotel near his home. Unlike you, I will not miss having a bed to myself when I get home!! LOL!! I’m so set in my ways it’s ridiculous! I love him to death, but I like my space. Not too many people understand that. Many would say I’ve “convinced” myself that I’m happy when I’m really not. Yeah…OK…whatever. :-D

      It does seem like the way it is for you and your man is how it will be. He doesn’t have a child with the new girlfriend, but he will stay with her (according to you) because of the house. So, really, the house is your “third party”. Only you could decide if you could live with this. Have you two talked about him moving out? If he has a decent job, he should be able to afford his own place. The place may be smaller than what he’s used to, but if he’s not happy with his current girlfriend, isn’t it worth it for him to maybe deal with a smaller place? But, if you can accept that what you have with him now is how it will be, then you could make it together. At least you get to see him on a regular basis, which is more than a lot of OW get.

      Do you know his kids? That’s the one thing I miss…I can’t know my man’s daughter. He can’t even bring her to visit his relatives so I could meet her. His wife hates his family and has turned the girl against them, even though the poor kid has never really met them. She has cousins she doesn’t know and that, to me, is sad.

      So many people don’t understand relationships like ours (being the other woman) because they think it’s all about the sex. The two of us (and many other of my readers) are examples that it’s not about the sex. It’s about a mutual respect and understanding. It’s having things in common and enjoying each others company.

      I wish you luck and hope it all works out for you both!

  13. You are amazing! You’re saving my life with this. Being the other woman is so hard, especially when you didn’t go in to the relationship with the intention to fall in love with eachother. My MM is getting a divorce. I’ve been called every name in the book, but lets me honest. We don’t seduce them, the men come willingly in search for us and its obviously because they aren’t getting it at home. Support for ny fellow OW we are indeed not alone!

    • Thank you so much for your comments.

      Being the OW is indeed hard but there are few people who will give us any sympathy because of that. After all, we are the “whores” who stole someone else’s husband, right? ;-)

      Well…for the most part, it’s not planned (I say for the most part because there ARE some women who will look for sugar-daddies regardless of their marital status). Like all things in life, things happen. As you said, we didn’t seduce our men (I couldn’t seduce anyone if I tried!!!! LOL!); they came to us willingly because there was everything lacking in their marriages. People will judge us, as we can see by AnnaBell’s comments above, but unless they have been where we are, they have no right to judge. I just hope the judgmental people are never in a situation they previously judged harshly. Karma could be a bitch. :-D

  14. you are all a bunch of sluts fooling yourselves!!! get some self respect and grow up!!! you arent these mens saving grace – you are their rock bottom. Homewreckers are nothing more than hookers who dont get paid……

    • Thank you so much for your opinion. Unfortunately, you do not know me or any of the other OW who write in to me. I’m sorry that your husband or boyfriend cheated on you, but instead of lashing out at women who had nothing to do with your situation, look within and see what you could do (or could have done) to make things right in your marriage/relationship. I have a post or two that give tips on what a wife can do to keep the romance alive in a marriage…or did you miss that?

      You see, if you are trying to hurt me, it’s not working. You can say all you want, call me any vile name you want and it wouldn’t matter to me. Why? Because you are insignificant in my life. The people who matter to me know me. They know the relationship my man and I have. They know the truth about us.

      Rock bottom? Seriously? It’s not “rock bottom” to be treated like a piece of trash? What attracted my man to me wasn’t my alluring beauty or sex…it was the fact that I actually took the time to talk to him and listen to what he had to say. Does that make me better than his wife? Well, better for him. She had her chance with this great guy and blew it.

      For the record, Kim…I didn’t wreck anyone’s home. My man’s wife wrecked her own home. I guess according to you, he should have just rolled over and played dead. What people like you don’t understand is that if two people work at a marriage, for the most part, cheating shouldn’t be an issue. Many wives are happy that their husbands aren’t home to “bother” them. They’re happy as long as the bills are paid and they have a roof over their heads.

      As I’ve told others who are as judgmental as you: I seriously hope that one day, you don’t find yourself in a situation that you previously judged so harshly. You never know what can happen in life.

  15. Read the entire post. As a wife who has been cheated on let me say this. Any disfunction that you think your MM child experiences is magnified by your secret presence in his marriage. A man will say anything if he can have his cake and eat it to. A man does exactly what he wants. You are the convient escape to him being a responsilbe adult and working out his problems with his wife, regardless of how major or minor they are or whether or not it leads to a stronger marriage or divorce. Sounds like you are functionally delusional because you have accepted all of your MM excuses for not leaving his wife. You have even begun defending his excuses. Regardless of how innocently you believe it started you know he is married and because you are willing to accept his lie he is willing to stay with you. Sad that you are being an encouragement for the wrong thing and giving many other women false hope by painting a beautiful picture of your affair. I must say you have excellent coping skills to have lasted 10 years but the fact remains child or not happy or not he is still with his WIFE. In 10 years a man can figure out how to leave any woman on this planet. I am not angry with you either just sad to see how willing women who would be so much more powerful if we stuck together can work against each other through situations like this. Hope that you also go back for more counseling for the childhood dysfunction you saw in your own home. Truly sorry you saw that, however your acceptance of this situation and the fact that you are writing a book about how not to get caught shows that you are not fully healed from your childhood issues. I truly hope you come out of your rosy world to see how truly disresectful he is to you to have You as the other woman and not make you his WIFE. Like I said before not angry just able to see the situation from a different angle. You’re his parachute and lifeboat for escaping reality. Not part of his true life just part of his shadow. Remember every story has two sides you have not heard his wife’s side so don’t judge her or believe everything he days about her. Even if you have heard her say things that are mean they may be her reaction to his action and not a constant condition. A MM will become who he wants to be with his mistress yet be who he really is with his wife and who he is may not be a pleasant person. Even after 10 years you may still not know the real man. As a woman still wishing you and all the other women who have posted true happiness and not the imitation of life and wife that you have convinced yourself is ok. Just like you mentioned in your response to a former MM sometimes we have do things we don’t like (paraphrasing). Cutting off the MM is one you should be doing. Wishing you health true love and the courage to do what’s right over what feels good.

    • See, Lyd…

      Your problem right now is that you are lumping ALL affairs/extra-marital relationships into a category like yours. It’s not like that.

      You seem to think that I have blindly accepted all that my MM has told me. This isn’t the case and I’m tired of saying this over and over again. Over the years, I have learned that he doesn’t lie to me when it comes to his wife and marriage. My guy doesn’t constantly talk about how bad his wife is…whatever I hear, I hear from others. I don’t ask for this information…they give it, but sometimes, I wish they wouldn’t. Actually, I respect my man for NOT trashing his wife every chance he gets. They have a daughter together and he needs to respect that.

      Also, let me say that I never “encourage” anyone to be in a relationship with a married man or woman. I have never said that every MM/OW relationship is like mine. In fact, I have said many times that our relationship is unique in the fact that we don’t hide…we are free to do as we please…but I am not about to rub this in his wife’s face even though she has to know he’s with someone. I’m not a cruel person.

      I have dealt with the dysfunctional family that I grew up with and have raised two very well-adjusted kids. I had a very good example of parenthood in my parents. The example was what NOT to do and I have stuck with that.

      I’m so glad that you’re worried about my mental health, but, there’s nothing to worry about. I’m not delusional, suicidal, living in a fantasy world, etc. I’m just someone who has found love with someone I never expected to find it with; a married man.

  16. I have fallen in love with this blog, with this post. I have been searching high and low for women who are in similar situations because I need to know I am not alone.
    This is indeed an incredibly taboo subject. Day after day I encounter posts on Facebook about how much of a lowlife piece of crap both I and my man are for doing what we’re doing. It is made to sound cheap. It is made to sound tawdry and disgusting. The love we have is none of those things.
    You rightly pointed out that some of us aren’t “settling”. I was married for 12 years to a man whom I had full time, who proclaimed his love for me on one hand, but who made me feel utterly worthless and empty on the other.
    Then 3 years ago I met W.; he was technically single when we were getting to know each other, but was in the middle of reconciling with his wife. We were friends, and didn’t expect it to evolve into more. But it did.
    I accept that he loves both of us. I don’t *care* that he does. He is a gentle, loving, kind person who has a heart big enough for both of us. We have a child together. He has children with her. I got into the relationship knowing he would never leave her, so my expectations are not unrealistic. I am happy for what we have: anything more is a pleasant surprise.
    This relationship (yes, I will call it that because that’s what it is, and he, our son and I *are* a family) has taught me so much, has enriched my life in ways that my traditional relationship never did. It’s about finding the right person, understanding that love sometimes cannot be defined, contained or explained, and learning to take the good times with the bad.
    I am thankful to have him in my life, and though I am going to be the first one to say that sharing him isn’t always easy, I love him and couldn’t imagine my life without him.

  17. I would also like to tell OW kudos to you for telling your story. I know all too well what it’s like to have all the unsolicited advice and judgments thrown at you. Sometimes people can be cruel. Putting your story out there wasn’t easy, I’m sure. If you ever want to talk to me in person, email me. I could use a friend who ‘gets it’.

    • Elizabeth…

      When I started this blog, I knew that I would be getting some negativity…how could I NOT realize that?!??!?!….but I knew that there were others in my situation that may not have anyone to talk to. I never really thought it would get this big though!! LOL!

      I read and approve all comments (positive, negative or neutral), unless I’m asked not to make them public. I had a friend tell me once that I was going to be in for some bitching, but if anyone can handle being bitched at, it was me!!! Sometimes, I’m not so nice in my replies, but I try to take the high road.

      I’m just really glad that I could help others in this strange/wonderful situation!

  18. I’m so relieved to read something on infidelity from the other perspective, and that’s more fair and acknowledges the grey-area of it all.

    I did notice though that you seem to imply that he doesn’t love his wife anymore. . . . but what do you do when he still does?

    I’m currently the other woman, and I got into the relationship knowing full well that he was married, and that he still loves her enough to stay. . . . I’m torn because I do want to continue seeing him, even if it means we have to do it secretly, but I’ve also met his wife, and she seems really nice, and I want them to stay together and be happy. . . . .

    I’ve been in a polyamorous relationship before, but I don’t think either of us could even begin to bring that up with his wife because she’s more of a jealous type. . . . .

    What are your thoughts on this?

    • Also, whoops! I hadn’t read through all the comments. I *JUST* now realized that Elizabeth above me has a similar situation.

      Also, I just wanted to add that not all men who cheat are necessarily in unhappy marriages. Like I said, his wife seems nice, and they were really happy before they drifted apart slightly, and I have full confidence they could be happy again. . . . but I don’t want to stand in the way. . . . . but I also don’t want to give him up.

    • Hi, Ella…

      I think if I knew my guy’s wife and actually LIKED her, I would not have been able to even begin a relationship with him. But that’s just me. Now, if I met her NOW and liked her, I would dump him in a second because that would mean that he had been lying to me all along. It wouldn’t be easy, but I’d be gone. If I believed that my guy loved his wife and/or she loved him, I don’t think I’d be able to continue the relationship. If it was just a matter of him not getting enough sex at home, I don’t think I could be his “side piece”. I’m kind of the jealous type. ;-)

      You want your man and his wife to stay together and be happy, but, if she’s the jealous type and found out about you, how happy would she be? Maybe he can bring up the “suggestion” of a polyamorous relationship to see how she reacts. It could even be brought up as just a hypothetical situation.

      Have you and your man talked about what would happen if his wife did find out? You need to know what his thoughts on the situation are.

  19. I have been in my relationship for 12 years now and do have 2 kids. I started being the OW for about 3 years off and on. He is married and I am not. He does have 2 kids. This realtionship with the MM has been off and on. Like he will be ok with me for a few months and will not talk to me for months and he will get a hold of me and it will start back over. I go out of my way to go see him, by the way he lives 2 hours away. i have only slept with him 4 times within the 3 years of this thing. I am confuse because I dont know what to do because I love and care for him. I have alwayes been committed in my relationship and this thing with the married man became somthing I wasnt expecting. He does tell me he loves me and that he is so in love with me and misses me a lot but we didnt grow up in broken homes so that is his reason why we cant be together. He doesnt have the time for me and when I do travel to go see him I get 1 to 2 hours tops and that is it. I leave disappointed. I have told him I need to leave him alone but he says he doesnt want that because he loves me and cares for me and cant stay away from me. I feel guilty on my end because I have a good boyfriend who loves and cares for me and will go the extra step for me. and i cant seem to find a reason why I am even doin this. By the way I had a huge crush on this MM before we got into our relationships. and he found me on FB and that is when it started when we kinda touched base. We also know each others families. I want to leave him alone and just let him go because I dont see us together since he doesnt have the time for me and i am just torchin my self over somone I will never have.

    • Hi, OW2….

      I’m going to ask you what I’ve asked others in your situation:

      If this man was single, would you put up with his breaking contact for months, then finally calling again? Would you put up with only seeing him for 1 or 2 hours when YOU are the one who has to travel 2 hours to see him? How long would you put up with being disappointed every time you make the trip to see him and he doesn’t have time for you? After all that you’ve told me, if this man was single, would you still say he loves you?

      Not making time for you after you travel that long to see him is not being fair to you by any means. You know you will never have him, but are you willing to lose what you have with your boyfriend for this man?

      You say that your boyfriend loves you and cares for you, yet you started seeing this MM. There must be something missing in your relationship. I know that after a couple of kids, the passion fades. Have you considered couple’s therapy? I have an earlier post that tells wives how they can try to keep their marriages alive. Maybe that post will give you some ideas on what to do to get back some of that passion with your boyfriend.

      I’d hate to see you lose a good man for someone who doesn’t really make the time for you. 1 to 2 hours every once in a while isn’t enough to really know a man. Yes, he says he loves you, cares for you and can’t stay away from you, but he HAS been staying away from you. Think about what you’re missing with your boyfriend and try to fix it. He sounds like a keeper! ;-)

      No matter what you do, I wish you all the best!

  20. Hi, I came about your blog today due to the fact I am tired of being the OW. I was married for 12 years and my exhusband cheated on me and got the other woman pregnant. I eventually got divorced. A year and 6 months later my car brokedown and for the first time I met this mechanic. Everything started off by him fixing my car, when I went to pick up my car we had a 2 hour conversation about our lives, he there tells me that hes been in a 3 year relationship with this woman who he barely sees (Her job is about 1 and a half away) and that when they see each other all they do is fight. We became friends and eventually got involved. We see each other every day, we have breakfast, lunch and dinner together almost every day. We have lots of things in common, same goals etc. He has 2 kids from a previous relationship and I have met the smallest one who is 5 years old. I also have a 12 year old daughter. We have been together for a year and six months, he is very good to me. He cares for me and we get along very well. He has recently told me that he wants to leave his gf and start a family together with me. He even has it planned to the T. He wants for both of us to pay off some debts that we both have and start of fresh and buy a house together but that wont happen until at least a year. But my problem is that I am tired of spending nights alone, holidays, family gatherings etc. I am tired of hiding and worst of all I dont trust him, not because he has showed me otherwise, but for the simple fact that I know what its like being the other woman and I dont want it to happen again. I keep thinking if he did it to her chances are hes going to do it to me. Also I dont know if I can live like this for another year, I am used to being a wife and I dont aspire to be the other woman. I keep thinking that maybe I should end it, I love him and I am very much inlove, but sometimes I get depressed and tired of waiting and being “alone”. I dont want to regret my desitions in the future. Should I stay or should I go???? Thats the question…Thanks for ur time.

    • Hi, Erika…

      Your guy is being smart. Before starting a life together, you should each pay off any and all debts that you have. My question is that if he wants to leave his GF, what is he waiting for? I can understand wanting to pay off debts before starting a new life with a new house, but he doesn’t need to start that new life with you, or even move in with you, in order to leave his GF. Wouldn’t his debts be paid faster if he didn’t have someone he had to semi-support? I would think it would be better if the two of you could date out in the open. So what is the delay?

      If this man is making you depressed and you can’t stand the waiting and alone time, maybe you need to tell him that you need to back off until he makes a break with his GF. Be honest with him. Ask him what the delay is and tell him how you’re feeling. But, you take a chance by doing this. He may tell you that he can’t leave for whatever reason (if there are no kids, I don’t know what the issue is) and you will have to decide if you really want to leave him or not.

      Only you could decide what you can and can’t live with. Only you can decide if you should stay or go. One thing you need to know though…the old saying “Once a cheater always a cheater” doesn’t always apply. Men cheat for different reasons. If a marriage/live-in relationship is dead but there’s no way out, a guy will find someone who makes him happy. A man happy with his relationship will not cheat (unless he’s a scumbag just out for sex).

      Take your time and talk things out with him. That could help you decide.

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