Cheating Isn’t Always Black and White…There are Shades of Grey – Part 1

I received a comment today from someone who thinks they know who I am.   This person also feels that they know what my relationship with my married lover is all about.   For the record, I copied and pasted the comment as is.  I didn’t change a word in the original;  just added MY comments.  Here it is (with my comments in bold italics):

Ma’am you are just a piece of tail at this point. And at your age, you should be ashamed for not requiring more of this guy. The reason you are still with this man and allow him to treat you this way is because you have low self esteem. (Can someone my age REALLY be considered “just a piece of tail”?  I guess I always thought of “a piece of tail” as someone much younger.  My bad.  Why should I be ashamed of not requiring more of this guy?  I’m a self-sufficient woman.  I don’t need a man to support me.  My self-esteem is quite good, thank you very much.  I like myself enough to want to spend time with me.) You care about this man deeply and think because he spends a few days a week with you he’s committed- but those no such thing as a 50% commitment- you are being used and he and his buddies are laughing at you even as I type this e-mail.(Yes, I do care deeply about this man and I know he cares deeply about me.  This is not because he spends a few days a week with me.  This is because he shows me every day how much he cares.  I know most of his friends and I can assure you that they are NOT laughing at me.  Well….when we’re all together, we do laugh a lot, but that’s something different, isn’t it?) I guarantee you if you put your foot down and say to this guy, leave your wife and be with me, he would NOT do that and you would be s.o.l.(I know he wouldn’t leave his wife at this time.  I have no delusions about that.  It’s not the right time.  His child is young and needs him there.  He’s very involved in her life and that’s how it SHOULD be.  So, I don’t feel that I would be “S.O.L”.  Let’s continue, shall we?) You’re probably saying “I don’t want him to leave his wife, I like it this way” but the truth is you’ve learned to tolerate it this way because that is all he will allow you.(Really?  I only “tolerate” this because this is all he “allows” me to have?  Yes, there was a point where I thought I wanted him to leave his wife and be with me.  We talked about this.  Right now, it’s not possible.  I don’t tolerate it, I accept it.) It’s embarrassing to be the Other Women- because no one respects you. People view you as the fool, the whore, the homewrecker and you think you’ve got the advantage.(I’m not in the least embarrassed.  You are someone who really doesn’t know me.  Not only do you not know me, or my man, you haven’t read my whole blog.  His family invites me to their homes for birthdays, anniversaries, dinner, dessert and just to play a game of dominoes.  I’ve been there when his cousins and aunts have asked him when he’s going to leave his wife.  They don’t like her.  She has never made any effort to get along with them.  She will not go see them, nor will she let him bring their daughter to see them.  Because of this, his daughter has cousins she sadly does not know.  Is this fair?) You’re probably thinking- “oh his poor wife”(Nope…never thought this at all), but she’s the one with the house ( I have a house of my own), the car (I also have a car that I love), the kids (OMGs!!  I have kids!!!  They’re just not HIS kids, but he gets along with them very nicely.), the life and his balls in a vice (LOL!!!  Yeah…I’ll admit that I have mentioned the balls to him a time or two.  Only I ask if they’re detachable and are put on a shelf when he walks into his house.) and you are a gardener who comes and visits you to rake the leaves twice a week?(Not fair!!!  I help rake the leaves!!!  But seriously, it’s not so much that he does these things for me…we SHARE the work.  If he’s doing work on his cars, I’m there talking to him.  It’s not about him being my gardener…it’s about sharing time.) I am only 29 and I am sure there are a lot of things I don’t understand about marriage, but I do know statistically speaking men most often do NOT leave their wives for the other women- because they don’t have to.(You’re right, you really don’t understand at all.  Divorce is expensive and there are woman who make things far more difficult than they should when it comes to visitation.  I know the statistics.  I also know that if the time comes when I NEED him to live with me for whatever reason, and he refuses, he will no longer be welcome in my home.  But, as I’ve said in other posts, I really do like my alone time.)   The other women is stupid enough to believe that this arrangement is ok and therefore stays engaged in it all the while the guy is living the dream.(He’s not rich.  If he was “living the dream”, he’d be retired in his mansion on the hill.) He tells you “my wife doesn’t understand me, my wife knows I don’t love her, my wife doesn’t sleep with me” all of these are lies (Actually, we don’t talk about his wife much.  She is the mother of his child and I really don’t agree with the trash talk some people engage in.  The only time she pops up in conversation is when he’s so frustrated when he’s not “allowed” to bring his daughter places alone.) - every day he goes home to his wife and tries to make up for cheating on her (He usually gets home very late.  She doesn’t wait up.  I know this….I’ve driven him home the few times his car was in the shop.  She doesn’t even leave a light on for him.) and you are home alone in bed deep down inside hoping that he’ll leave her to be with you (Puleeze!!!  Really?!?!?!  He leaves me and immediately calls me so we can talk on his way home.  When we hang up, I either go to sleep or lie in bed reading, which is something I couldn’t do if he were with me.  If he leaves his wife, that will be HIS choice.). But you better hope that never happens- because then you’ll be his women while sound other lady talks about you- who happens to be his “other women’(IF he ever does leave his wife and moves in with me, I will not make the mistakes that she has made.  I talk to him, I let him vent about work, I actually pay attention to him.). With all due respect ma’am, grow up and stop stealing what doesn’t belong to you (I didn’t “steal” anything.  She let him go.). Find someone who can be devoted to you- you really want that you just don’t think you can get it (I do have someone who is devoted to me.  He just doesn’t live with me.  And, FYI, I get asked out quite a bit. I choose not to accept because, contrary to what you would like to believe, I’m happy.). Good luck




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82 thoughts on “Cheating Isn’t Always Black and White…There are Shades of Grey – Part 1

  1. I’m I guess a “rookie” at blogging and being the “other” women… I was wondering your thoughts on my relations. So it stared 4 year’s ago but I personally know the wife.. she is my best friend.. I was living with her him and kids when one night she was working late and the husband and I, before it happen I knew how fed up he was and how insecure she was they both are Sooo toxic for one another. She is always coming up with ways to “catch” him but sometimes I want to scream “HELLO ITS ME” I know he wont leave her because of kids and that’s ok with me cuz I have kids. But he said something to me the other day cuz I told him some days I feel guilty as hell other days I couldn’t care less but he said “personally I can’t and don’t feel bad,guilty or anything with us… because it feels right” I feel “right” just simply because I understand how he feels I see and live it… but is it ” wrong” that we all live together and not a single person in or out of this house knows… sry to ramble but I’ve been reading you blogs today and had the feeling you may have thoughts or opinions (and feel free to be 100% out front ask questions anything! )

    • Arielle….

      This goes to show that every situation really IS different. You have so much to think about here. I don’t know if you’re still living with your best friend and her husband, but if you are, think about all that you could stand to lose. If your friend finds out that you and her husband are having an affair, you will not only lose your best friend, but you will lose the roof over your head AND your lover. Personally, I would never consider being with a friend’s man. I don’t know my man’s wife and I certainly didn’t know he had a wife when our relationship started, but if I had known, I know that there would have only been a platonic relationship. We get along great as friends. I’m not saying that after hearing about his home situation from him and others, that I never would have allowed the relationship to progress. I don’t know what would have happened, but that’s all water under the bridge.

      I can’t tell you what to do. I can only tell you to be careful and think about this very carefully. Everyone could stand to get VERY hurt in all this.

  2. You can’t be serious. IMO you need to take some time and actually read what you write/ wrote on some of these blogs. if you have to defend yourself for what you are doing something is wrong. in other words, you are fooling NO ONE but yourself… his wife hangs up on him because he’s a lying cheating jerk and he deserves it! you are enabling him. thats really great YOU ARE HAPPY have you even given one thought to the pain you are causing other people? NO because you are happy and thats all that matters… my husband? is home now. but our lives are NOT the same. they never will be. our childrens lives WILL NEVER BE THE SAME. and its because of people like you. OH the kids are fine.. i can hear you saying. sure they are..your not the one who has to pick up the pieces of the devestation you caused. you’ll never see the pain from the other side. incredibly evil or incredibly stupid you are. which one, we’ll never know.

    • I get that you’re bitter because your husband cheated on you. I guess that is the natural reaction knowing that your man is having a sexual relationship with someone else while you and he are still having sex. Have you thought to ask him WHY he felt the need to find someone else?

      You mention how your life and your kids’ lives will never be the same. That is not because of “people like me”. That is because you chose to forgive him, allow him back into your home, but refuse to give up the bitterness. If you weren’t ready to forgive and move on (notice I didn’t say “forget” because I know that probably won’t happen) with your marriage, why did you allow him to come back to you at this time? I know it’s difficult, but kids DO pick up on tension. They know when things aren’t right at home, but how would they know that this tension is coming from their father’s cheating? Why are you blaming all the “other women” in the world? When you have kids, you need to be the grown up. You’re hurt, you’re devastated, but you need to curb your feelings in front of the kids. When they see you upset, THEY get upset. No matter how you feel about their father, he is still their father and they love him, so you need to show them that everything is OK even if it isn’t. If the time comes that you decide you can’t handle it and want a divorce, you both need to talk to the kids without blaming each other. Kids don’t need to know specifics. They just need to know that mommy and daddy aren’t happy, that it’s not the kids’ fault, and that they are going to live apart for a while.

      I don’t “defend” myself in my relationship. What I’m doing is trying to explain how it happened. I don’t think I’m better than his wife for any reason. I’m just better FOR him. Our situation isn’t like yours, but if it makes you feel better to vent and call me a whore and tell me how my guy is having sex with his wife right after he leaves me, go for it. Just, please….for your kids….try to hide your bitterness when they’re around. It will be much better for all of you.

      • never called you a whore. never said anything of the sort. he is having sex with both of you. that doesnt make you you a whore that just makes it gross. eww. i have been approached by married men co8untless times. i send them home because its the right thing to do. i cldnt destroy anotyher family. its WRONG to be with a man who has already built a relationship. u have no idea how much that woman is hurting. the right thing to do is to wait until he’s divorced and out of the relationship before beginning another.

        and i’m not bitter. i’m angry. what do you think my kids were thinking when DH got up and abandoned us?? he didnt even bother to call these kids on their birthdays. not f-ing once did he call. he gave me 3 days notice before he up and took off. i had never even heard the words divorce come out of his mouth. he ruined my career, he ruined the children’s grades and extra curriculars. yes i blame the idiots who say this is OK. its not OK.

        ive been the other woman. Ive saved 2 marriages. suggested counseling. reminded those men of the love they had with their wife. they thanked me later. do you think his wife would thank you?

        • “Wife”…I’m very sorry to hear that your husband cheated on you. I’m sorry to hear he abandoned you and his kids. I’m sorry to hear that he’s a total dick (which I’m assuming he is because he didn’t call his kids). All this aside, your husband is NOT my married lover.

          Let’s face it, your husband doesn’t sound like a very nice person. He made you think that everything was all right with the marriage when, in his eyes, it wasn’t. That’s just wrong, but it happens.

          If it makes you feel better to tell me that my man is leaving me and having sex with his wife, then keep writing to tell me that. I know that’s not the case, but feel free to continue telling me that it is.

          Your husband obviously only cares for himself without thought of you or the kids. My man is not like that. He cares for his child and spends as much time as possible with her. He’s with her on holidays and birthdays. He helps her with homework and other school projects. He’s there for her extra-curricular events. He will not leave his wife because he wants to be there for his child. I get that.

          As for his wife hurting…I highly doubt it. She seems happy with the way things are. In all the time I have been with him, she has not once called to see when he was coming home. She hasn’t once called to ask where he was. She’s called to remind him that he needed to take out the garbage, or to set a mouse trap, or to walk the dog when he gets home. I hear her when she answers the phone because she speaks very loudly. I hear from his family members, who see them interact, that she wants nothing to do with him. This is not new. She threw him away emotionally before I came into the picture.

          And, for the record, in the beginning, before I would let myself become emotionally vested, I DID suggest that he try everything he could, including counseling, to try to save his marriage. When he suggested it, she laughed.

          You see, not every man is a scumbag. Not every man is your husband. What happened to your career, the kids’ grades and extra-curricular activities is not the fault of any woman your husband was sleeping with. Whatever happened in your marriage was HIS fault. No one else’s. Stop trying to put blame where it doesn’t belong. What happened to you was wrong, but you need to move on.

  3. AND OH GOD! you think husband doesnt go hame and vent to his wife? thats why you are sooo much better than her? you can’t be too bright. he does all the same things with her as he does with you. i promise you, atleast once, he’s gotten himself off thinking about how one of gave him oral sex after he had vag with the other and didnt shower. I PROMISE this has already happened to you. happy trails. thats for his kids.

  4. I just want to thank you for writing thing blob and being so open about I am getting very tired of hearing all the negative comments and people saying “everyone thinks their situation is different but it isnt”. your openness has shown me that every ones situation is different and it can work. I think it is great that you can be a supportive model for this very real situation that alot of women deal with. so thank you again for posting your story and showing that being the “other women” isnt always as negative as people like to make it out to be

    • Thank you for your comment. I know that there are women out there who, for some reason, will only date married men. I don’t get it, but that’s the way it is. I’m not one of them. I started writing because I wanted to show that the OW doesn’t have to be seen as “the whore” and “homewrecker”. I’m neither of these…my guy just happens to be married to someone else whom he can’t divorce at this time. Does this mean he should be stuck without ever having affection?

  5. Fantastic blog, as always! I’m addicted to reading your blog. Being the OW has been the hardest thing I have ever done, but it has been so totally worth it. Everyone’s situation is different, and you need to do what works for you at the time.

    I know the Wife has & will blame me for everything but the truth is, he was gone long before I came along.

    Don’t stop blogging!!

    • It certainly isn’t easy!!! It does help when you can go out in public, though.

      Thanks for reading. It’s always good to know somebody is out there!!!

      BTW….my man does read the blog once in a while. He liked the last post (Shades of Grey – Part 1). :-D

  6. Thank you for writing your blog. i agree with most of the people on here it is sad all the negativity I read. Mostly from angry wives. I agree they should be looking after what they need to be doing for their man instead of being on line and complaining. I am also the other woman to a man I have worked with for almost four years now. At first his wife didn’t care about where he was or what he was doing. At that time we were open with our relationship at work and with friends just like you are with your man. his son is five now, he was two when we began. I also have children that grew up without much from their dad. So I agree how important it is for him to be there for his son. He is an excellent father. When we were into about a year and a half of being together his wife had hacked his e-mail account and found a letter I had written him. Funny thing is it wasn’t a love letter, it was a letter supporting him in being a great dad and how great he was doing at work mainly. Only personall stuff was how much i appreciated his great qualities. well, then everything hit the fan! his wife threatened him with his son and demanded he have no contact with me or she would leave with his son for him to never see his son again. So we talked and decided to end things between us for a while. It was so hard to see him so shattered everyday. he was totally blindsided. we stayed away from eachother romantically for two years. we were both miserable. we started talking and he had told me how hard she makes everything. he can no longer see his friends or enjoy any hobbies that does not include her. (I know this is true because his friends back his story) She refuses to be loving or be involved in anything he enjoys. Everything is on her terms because he embarrassed her. She is not trying to save her marriage,she is just trying to save apparences. Anytime he wants to have a little freedom she threntens with taking his son away. I don’t get why a woman who doesn’t love her husband would force a man to stay with her and use their son to control her husband. We talked now and see eachother quietly when we can. We agree she can not have any ammo to try and take his son away.I am glad we are still seeing each other but it is really hard. we even have a cell phone she doesn’t know about and we talk everyday. he tells me he has no guilt for being with me ever. he wishes that she would have just ended the marriage instead of this punishment. he lives this way only to be with his young son. Any love or affection he had left for her is quickly dying in this new situation. He doesn’t want to divorce her right now with his son so little. he wants to be there for his boy and he is concerned about leaving him because of the moms temper. I am fine with being the other woman in his life. I have a busy happy life and he just sweetens it by being in it. I support him with being there for his son. I am just amazed how a woman who has a great man would go from not caring anything about him to controling his every move and use his son as a weapon. Tragic what some women do to their husbands and children.

    • I think a lot of it is the “I don’t want him, but nobody else can have him” way of thinking. Kids need to grow up in a loving environment. If they don’t see affection between the parents, how will they know how to GIVE affection. It is tragic that the kids always suffer. There’s no right or wrong answer to any of it.

      I hope it all works itself out for you.

      • Thanks for your support! I can’t tell you how much it means to me to talk to someone about this that can support and fully understand. Our friends are supportive of the two of us and even makes jokes about it is hard to believe we aren’t married! LOL! It is amazing how much he and I have in common. He is the kindest man, with the biggest heart of anyone I have ever known. Do you have any suggestions on coping with the times you want to be with him and know he can’t. I have a very busy life, i work full time and go to school part time, I spend time with friends, I go on vacations and spend time with family. The business i got and happy with. Just sometimes I just want to be with him. ( with his wife monitoring his every move it is hard to spend time alone with each other) Also how did you finally get to the place of acceptance? I am accepting of the situation most of the time, just sometimes I am not as accepting. i do wonder how he can live with so much restrictions on him. I know there are times he rebels at feeling like he is in “prison”. he is fighting with her to be able to play a couple of hours of golf with some of our guy friends. I am proud of him, he needs some ‘guy’ time! Thanks for your advice!

        • Hey….if we can’t support each other, who will support us?!?!? I’m just glad I could have this area where people in our situation can “chat” about it.

          Thanks for reading!!!

  7. I am so happy i have found your blog!!! ive been soaking all of this up and am extremely happy that i truely am not crazy for loving a married man!!

  8. I would like to chime in just a little bit. I am the “other woman” currently. I said I would never put myself in this situation but now I find myself there. I would like to say, you can’t assume that a man is just after a “piece of tail” there are other reasons a man turns to another woman. Some men, yes, I am sure just want sex. Don’t lump them all into that category. The man I am seeing has been with his “girlfriend” for 10 years. They DO NOT have a relationship. He stays for his kids. You want to throw out there that he is lying and he does go home to the woman he lives with and vents to her, talks to her, sleeps with her and so forth. That’s funny everyone wants to assume that. I work with the man that I am with. We spend 10 or more hours a day, 5 days to 6 days a week together, we eat dinner together all of those nights, we pull out of the parking lot and he calls me. Talks to me until he gets home or we get to the hotel, (I work far from my home so I stay in a hotel quite often). When he gets home, we text until one of us falls asleep. He sleeps on his couch, while she sleeps upstairs in the bedroom. He then texts me as soon as he wakes in the morning. He calls, as he is driving into work. Does she EVER call to find out where he is??? NO, because she doesn’t care!! So for all of you that say there can’t be a commitment, I say you are wrong. We do have a commitment. As far as I am concerned SHE is the “other woman” I have the devotion of his time, his affection, his mind, his friendship, his love. She has the devotion of him being the father of their children.

    • You’re right….there are some men out there just looking for a side piece. There are some women out there who, for whatever reason, will only date married men (I don’t know why, but that’s the way it is). There is a difference between having a side piece and having a commitment. Most people don’t get that.

  9. Wow. I will try and make this short but I too am glad I found your blog. My husband cheated on me and left 3 years ago. I was devastated. Today, I am finding myself in a position to become ‘the other woman’. I am so conflicted. The few moments that we are together are exactly the ‘attention’ we are both craving but yes, I am struggling because at the moment that is all I am getting are only those moments. I don’t know if emotionally I can be ok with just that.

    Those moments are wonderful. Is it enough? How do you deal with (yourself) after? Is it just staying busy?
    Why not take advantage of an opportunity to feel good yourself even if it is just for the moment?

    Any suggestions?

    • Thanks for reading! It seems that you would be a bit extra conflicted because of the situation with your husband. You probably never thought you’d find yourself in the “OW” position. Well, things happen and I’ve made it a point to say “Never say never” because you never know what can be thrown at you.

      In the beginning, it’s very difficult to just enjoy the small amount of time we have with our married lovers. The only thing I can suggest is that you don’t make him the center of your world. You do need to get out with friends and find new interests. Just don’t sit around waiting for him. When I first started seeing my man, I was miserable every time he left. I would walk him out of the house and watch him drive away, then I would go back inside and cry. I never knew when I would see him again. I can’t even say how long this went on, but one day, he left and I realized that I didn’t cry! In fact, I realized that it had been a while since I did cry.

      The only thing I could suggest is an open dialog with your man. Ask him how he feels when he leaves you. Does he miss you when you’re not around? If you don’t feel comfortable doing this yet (and it does take time to get to that comfort level), then the best thing to do is what I said before: Keep busy. Do things you enjoy. If you make one person the center of your world, whether it’s a lover or a best friend, you’re going to set yourself up for disappointment. People aren’t at our beck and call every minute of every day. When it comes down to it, WE are responsible for our own happiness.

      It is what it is. Right now, enjoy what you have, but keep your mind and eyes open.

      • Thank you. The reality of this is that he is in fact married. Reality of that hit again a little today when he was working and even though we met for lunch which was no big deal, we thought that if he got off work early enough we would see each other.
        Well he texted me that they were done but he was in fact just going to go home. Merry Christmas.

        We talked just a little yesterday about if we wanted to continue to do ‘this’ and even though we both had reservations, we both thought this was going to continue. It of course is good when we are together. I even told him that maybe we needed to stop this now. He said he didn’t know but he didn’t want to.
        Maybe that decision was best made now instead of later.

        It sucks both ways….having just those moments but wow those moments, or knowing that it is over.

        You are right though, staying busy is definitely a must.

        • Ah, yes….the roller coaster! What a ride that was! Should I stay with him? Should I leave now? One day it was “stay”, the next it was “go”….not fun! I’ve had those days of “I’m so tired I’m just going home”. It’s going to happen, but we need to learn to accept it. But, just know that if you can stick it out, and both of you know you want to be together because you genuinely LIKE each other, then it does get better!

          • Thank you again!! I think I am going to end up leaning on you a lot, at least a lot at first.
            I do like him. I love the way he makes me feel. I was/am almost willing to accept just those moments because of the way that he does make me feel.

            I guess there is a lot to get used to. I thought that this was it then way before it would get worse, guess not huh….

    • Well…it’s the next day, but I did great last night. I was actually at an open house party at my man’s aunt’s house with all his cousins. I wasn’t going to go, I was going to stay in watching bad movies and reading, but his one cousin called me and told me if I didn’t get there, she would break my door down to drag me there! LOL!!! I went….and had a great time!

  10. Boy this sure does take some getting used to. I haven’t heard a word from him since. Maybe that is for the best.
    I do have plans to meet someone tonight for dinner so hopefully that will help this process along….

    Glad you had a good time.

    • Keeping busy is always helpful and going out is even better. Always keep your options open and never seem too available! If he’s serious about wanting to be with you, he will find a way. He needs to understand that you have a life outside of being with him, just as HE has a life away from you.

  11. Well is there such a phase as the ‘fizzle stage”? Things seem to have sizzled downward. Haven’t heard much from him. Nothing at all since Tuesday. Went to work and he came looking for me but mainly just talked about work stuff. I stayed home sick Wednesday and he texted asking if I needed anything. Conversations have been short and only about work.
    Guess that is a good thing, huh?! It is hard because I think we both still want to but both know he is married….sigh..

    Oh, and my ‘date’ the other night went rather well to say the least. We agreed to see each other again. We have talked almost every day except yesterday.
    Keeping my options open I guess.

    • Don’t forget that there’s a lot of guilt involved. He could be feeling guilty for giving in to what he needed. It’s good that you’re getting out there and keeping your options open. Trust me…if my man was single, he would be perfect!!! LOL! But then, is there such a thing as the “perfect man”?

  12. Looks like this is going back to the level that is going to have us both doing things that morally is not right. He said a few different things tonight. He feels he should honor his commitment w/his wife and doesn’t want to leave her but would be prepared for divorce if he got caught. He wants me and wants to see where that goes. He said he enjoys when we are together, we click. We can ‘talk’ as well as excite each other in other levels as well.

    I think we both know this is going to happen. Bottom line is I am worried about me and how I am going to feel afterwards.

    • Whatever you do, right now, don’t give up on the man you had a date with. Be honest with him, though…to a point….there’s no need for him to know that the other person you’re seeing is married. Let him know that you are seeing someone else, but would love to continue getting to know him. After all, the “other man” is married and has told you he will remain married. He can’t expect you to stop your life for him.

      You do what you feel right with. Yes, you’ll feel guilt, but only you can decide if it’s something you could live with.

  13. Well the ‘other man’ is history. We talked as of Tuesday and everything was fine, or so I thought. We talked about getting together Friday night, but haven’t heard from him since. I sent him a text tonight, no reply.

    As for the other, I don’t know if I can live it with it, but I do know that it feels great at those moments.

    • Yes, those moments can really feel good, but you really do need to have a long talk with yourself about how you are going to deal with the situation.

      Good luck!

  14. Well after days of going back and forth, on again, off again, I am still not sure where we are with this.
    We have left it off today after calling it off once of real hot and heavy and knowing that yes, it will happen.
    Funny because I don’t see myself ever (wanting) a relationship with him but I don’t know how I am going to feel ‘afterwards’.
    What if he pulls back after? Whether it be because of guilt or something?
    Do you want it again after the first time? What is the ‘norm’ in situations like this?!

    • There is no “norm”. What you have to do is really think about how you will handle it if he does pull back. You say you don’t see yourself wanting a relationship with this man, but things can change, so you also have to realize that he will NOT leave his wife. That’s the reality of it. Can you take that reality for the long term? There are so many questions that you need to ask yourself and only you could answer them.

  15. So here is a good one…. things were starting to get ‘hot and heavy’. Before I tell you what is going on, I do have to say that I really do believe that everything he has told me so far has been honest. This includes his wifes affair in the beginning (which sounds like is still on going) and his feelings about his marriage and commitment.

    Things got really intense between us yesterday and we were going to finish up where we left off today.
    Then he told me a story: first off his dad was in an accident on Saturday (everyone is ok) but his parents are not in a happy marriage. He said that led him to start thinking of things. His wife did not come home on Saturday, she was staying with girlfriends drinking and wasn’t going to drive home. But, the kicker is she didn’t come home last night either. She called him this morning and told him she wanted to separate.
    He does still think she is still cheating. Asked him how that makes him feel. He just nodded, yeah. He said he would deal with it, whatever/whichever way it goes. I think he is upset but its not anything he couldn’t see coming, his words.
    He told me he just wanted me to know because if he is in a funk, or whatever happens, he is prepared for but in now way in the meantime wants me to think its me. I told him thanks, I appreciate that, I was sorry for what he is going through and would be there for him if he just wanted to talk or needed a friend.

    Now, bottom line is, do I really believe any of this or do I think it is because when it comes down to it, he just feels guilty and can’t handle it himself?

    • You are the one who knows your man. If you don’t trust what he’s telling you, you can always ask to see the separation papers. Of course he would be upset because ending a marriage, no matter what the circumstances is upsetting. He probably also feels guilty, even though he believes his wife is cheating on him. He’s having a normal reaction. All you can do is be there for him if he needs you.

    • Well, the first time my man and I were together, I didn’t know he was married. I was stupid and really didn’t think much of never going to his place, so we were together about a year before I found out that he was, in fact, married. When I did find out, I stopped all intimate contact with him for a while. During the “down time”, we talked and I learned a bit about his marriage. I even told him that he needed to do what he had to do to save his marriage. His wife didn’t feel the need to fix it. When we resumed our affair, there was very little guilt, only because I had heard from him and others who knew them that she had pretty much thrown him away. The longer we were together, the less guilty I felt. Every now and then, I have little guilt twinges, but they’re few and far between.

  16. Thank you (for your response). A lot of it sounds all too familiar. We talk a lot about his situation. His wife is pretty much done too. Last night I had felt somber. I talked to a very good friend of mine, and really, I am actually o.k. Better than I even thought I would be.
    Age and knowing what it is and isn’t and I also think the key is to not put any expectations at all on any part of the whole situation, if that makes any sense. It is what it is.

    Your blog, writings are excellent. I even re-read all of it last night. Thank you.

    • Anyone not in the situation we’re in wouldn’t understand. It’s easy for people to say “If he wanted to be with you, he would get a divorce”. Divorce is NOT that easy. You don’t just sign a piece of paper and everything works out perfectly. I’ve seen things go horribly wrong. Visitation is denied, the child is told awful things about the non-custodial parent (this isn’t just done with ex-wives….I’ve seen ex-husbands do this too) and the kids are taught to blame the “other woman/other man” for the divorce, which could really make for a mess. No…it’s not easy at all.

      In the beginning, I felt guilty, because in the beginning, I couldn’t be sure of what he was telling me about his wife was true. There was always that little doubt. The more I started to hear from others, the less guilty I felt. As for feeling bad for his wife….yeah….but not because I’m seeing her husband. I feel bad because she could have a happy life, with him or without him, but she threw away what she had with him and she won’t let him go so they could both move on.

      We can only take this one day at a time. I’m prepared for whatever tomorrow brings, but in the meantime, I’m going to enjoy what we have.

    • See….???? Talking it out does help. Our friends are the ones who won’t really judge us, and they will listen even if they truly don’t agree with our choice of man. Everything will work itself out….one way or another. It always does.

  17. God, that is so true!!! When I was the wife of a man who cheated, I was angry and bitter of course. I never thought I would ever become the other woman to someone else’s husband. Reality is I know my husband and I were in fact miserable together, but I would have stayed that way with him in that marriage.
    That is a sad state of affairs.

    Of course there are things with my man and my situation that I don’t like. Then again, it is still new and we are still learning things, about each other and how this works.

    Yes, talking about it especially with a wonderful friend (and now finding you too) help(ed) me through the first part of this tremendously.

    Funny thing is I am terrified right now!! Of what exactly, not sure, how to pinpoint it down, a few things I guess. Like you said, what is really the truth.
    The raw first emotions after the affair really starts. The ‘what happens next’. We both said, no regrets. It’s just kind of a weird feeling I guess you could say now. It’s just a wait and see process, until next time.

    One day at a time, being prepared for what tomorrow brings, whatever that may be, but yes, enjoying what we have at the moment, while we have it.

    • That’s it….one day at a time. We need to realize that anything could happen at any time. There really are some terrifying moments, but I think that comes from the not knowing what’s ahead. The twists and turns life takes make being the other woman a giant rollercoaster ride.

  18. Can I ask you a question? Did you ever go through your own anger/angry moments?

    This is still so new to me and I am on the beginning of this roller coaster ride.
    Today I felt angry.

    He doesn’t text enough like he used to, he doesn’t come to see me as much like he used to and he expects me to be there when he wants me to be.
    How do I address the issue that I have needs too. I have told him that before but that was before, now how do I bring it up again now? I guess I had hoped for a hug days after or something.

    I had the feeling that I was done and that this was stupid and so unfair to me. Guess I didn’t know what to expect or thought, but this sure wasn’t it either.

    Is this part of this roller coaster? ugh.

    • I have my angry moments even now, almost 10 years into it. In fact, I was so mad at him last weekend that if he was here, I would have bitch-slapped him! I get angry when he doesn’t give me warning that he won’t be here on a day when we’re usually together. This is only because I could have made other plans. So, instead of going to a beer tasting, I sat home and worked. Joy.

      What I’ve found is that you will go crazy if you are constantly saying “no” to plans with friends just in case he might show up. I used to do that and it wasn’t working for me. It took a couple of times for me not to be home when he came over before he started giving me notice that he would be around at a certain time or date. Times with our men are sometimes few and far between, so I understand wanting to be available. But, on the same note, we need to live OUR lives like our men need to live theirs.

      If you and your man are open with each other, it shouldn’t be difficult to talk things out. Do you know what he wants out of your relationship? He needs to know that there are limits to your availability. My guy used to get upset when I wasn’t available, but I got him to see that he has no say in what I do when I’m not with him. He just needs to trust me. After all, I trust that when he goes home, he’s really sleeping in his own room. Yes, this rollercoaster ride is LONG and it’s never easy. We can either accept that it is what it is or move on.

  19. Thanks. I guess it’s a little harder or weirder because we work in the same building.

    I do and have gone out and will continue to do just that. I like it and am having fun, especially knowing that he is at home with his wife. (whether she is there or not). Ya know, you got me thinking too, I know he has said he thinks about me all the time, but it is still very rare that I will hear from him on the weekend or ‘after hours’.
    I am not a fool and won’t be one strung along either. I know that this is a brand new affair. When we do talk, we have very good, open and honest conversations. We connect. But, when you get right down to it, bottom line I guess, is it basically is just a sexual one. Will it develop into anything more, maybe, maybe not.

    I guess that is something that I really need to decide if that is going to be just enough for me or not.
    I often think not, but then all he has to do is look at me (and he knows it).

  20. Well things took an interesting turn of events today. Yesterday he was with me at my place and all was good. Today he came to tell me that she came up to work to tell him she was leaving him and confronted him with the phone bill asking him why my number is on there so much. So of course she sends me a text asking who I am.
    She proceeds to tell him again how unhappy she is (in their marriage), etc, etc, etc.
    He said it does hurt but at least he won’t have to stress about going home anymore and dealing with her on and off again moods.

    I asked him if she was going to be home tonight and he said yes. I told him I was going to leave him alone and that he needed to do what he needed to do to fix his marriage if that is what he wanted to do.
    I could honestly tell, yeah he was more hurt than I think he wanted to admit.

    With me, he was getting the love, affection and attention. As great as it is, I guess it all comes down to ours is nothing more than just an affair.

    He sure isn’t going to be calling or sending me anymore text, especially now that she is ‘watching’.

    She hasn’t already left yet for what we believe is because she only makes $17000. a year.
    He knows she is cheating, he knows he is not happy. What happens next, no one knows but them.

    He said he would let me know tomorrow how it goes, but I doubt anything is going to change or be any different than what/how it has been. Not at least for a while.

    I want to be selfish, I want him, I just don’t know how far to go or what to do now. Do I just wait (it out) and see what happens? Wonder if he will tell me they are going to work it out or if he will detach from me completely for a while or if this is just another excuse for her to use for herself.
    Difference now is he got somewhat caught.

    • Whatever happens in his marriage is his decision (and his wife’s). All you can do is live your life while he decides what he’s going to do.

  21. Well he said that last night she acted like everything was normal/ok.

    He did text today. Not our usual stuff which is to be expected. Funny because he found out a little more about today and then said he wants to get to know more about me. He said he realizes we don’t talk much about ‘me’.

    • Sounds like he has no idea what he wants, and neither does his wife. He and his wife need to make decisions about their marriage, but you need to decide if you want to stay on this rollercoaster ride.

  22. You are right.

    He has left me with some very mixed messages this week and some which even sound a little harsh. Wow, what that does to me and my feelings. I do understand what he is going through and/or how he feels and I cant help but to feel sorry for myself for a little while too, even though (I should have) known what I was getting into.
    He always told me he would never treat me badly, or ever make me feel used. Well guess what. Am I supposed to be ok and understand or let it go because he is going through a marital issue right now? Or is he really done with me?.
    I honestly knew this wasn’t going to go anywhere but it felt so good. It is hard, harder than being the other woman.

    I have met some wonderful people but I can’t even give them a chance. I do go out but that is about it.

    I want to apologize to you for taking over your blog with all of my posts, but cannot thank you enough either. I never thought I would be in this situation and you sound like an amazing woman. A wonderful person to have (as a friend). I respect you. Thank you.

    • No need to apologize for anything. I’m here for this purpose. We all need to vent and/or talk it out. We also need someone who will tell us exactly how things are.

      If he’s not treating you right and you’re feeling bad about yourself, maybe you should back off for a bit. His marital issues aren’t your fault, and he shouldn’t make you feel bad because he has problems. There are times when my guy is in a really pissy mood. I usually just tell him to stop being a dick because I didn’t do anything to warrant his pissiness. He usually realizes I’m right and will back off. But then, we’ve been together for 10 years and I could take more drastic steps than if we were in the beginning stages.

      Here’s something you should ask yourself: If this man was single and your boyfriend…and he treated you like he is treating you now, would you put up with it? If you wouldn’t, then you shouldn’t now. If you really are feeling bad about yourself, then you need to tell him that you are there if he needs you, but he needs to either chill out now or not call until he’s ready to be Mr. Nice again. As usual, you run the risk of losing him, but, would you rather lose him or allow him to make you feel like shit?

      Instead of always asking “Is he done with me?”, tell yourself that YOU are done with him. Set your mind on being his friend and nothing more. You could be there if he needs you, but whatever decision he makes about his marriage, he needs to do that with his wife. If the decision making process is making him nuts, he’s a big boy and needs to come to terms with it.

      When you go out, stop comparing other guys with your married lover and don’t view everyone you go out with as a potential lover. Dating should be about getting to know someone. If you have a good time, don’t write that guy off just because you’re not sure if it could lead anywhere. Give things a chance.

  23. Again, you are spot on!! No, I would not let him treat me that way. I had decided that *I* was done. I didn’t want to be just his convenience nor wanted to feel this way any longer. Also, you are correct, these are his issues with his marriage that he needs to figure out. It was hard. We passed each other on Monday and didn’t even acknowledge each other. Then I was pissed. To treat me like that, was more than rude. I put on my big girl pants and went about my business like he did not even exist. Well I guess that must have worked.

    He came looking for me yesterday and I told him how rude he was. He apologized of course and not meant to be. He tweaked his back over the weekend and has been in a lot of pain. I told him I wasn’t going to be treated in an ignore kind of way.

    What he did tell me was, “he should have waited in the first place so that he didn’t hurt me with the crap he has going on. He knows he hasn’t done well with us but does like what we have. He said the reason he should have waited is its not fair to me to have to be affected by his b.s. and sometimes he gets unsure of the right move because of it and doesn’t like it hurting me”.

    I guess I will just have to take this for what it is worth. I still don’t know or am not sure how I feel. Kind of like you and I have mentioned before about the roller coaster ride. The past few days were actually an opportunity for me to get back to a strong me. You are right in this is his marriage and their issues that only they can address. He does know and has said it cannot be fixed. I guess one of them is just waiting for the other to finally make the move ( I honestly don’t think its going to be him to make the first move though). Quite a few people have commented on their marriage not being good and how they all know what she is doing, but that is neither here nor there.

    My next question would be how do you get past or to the point where its fine at one point to be ok to be available when they want you but what about when you have a need or want? Ya know what I mean? Kind of like, okay, well I am there when you need me, but when you want to be pissy, I am supposed to be okay with that and just wait for you to get over it. Yes, we have talked about that before, but damn, do I constantly have to remind him of this? Is this part of having to accept it because after all, its an affair with a married man and that’s how it works?

    A friend told me that it was just enough to keep me on the hook. That comment didn’t set right with me, but could there be some truth to it?

  24. Well we actually had a pretty good talk today. I like what we have and want to keep it. I think we will get to the point of more. It is just a process. Of course this could all change tomorrow.

  25. Wow, This is all new for me. I am glad to hear some positive comments also. I know it is not the optimal situation. I also know that my guy has been married for 25 years, his wife is an alcoholic and is passed out every night by six p.m. (no sex in ten+ years). He can’t leave because he has certain obligations, so we see one another when we can. It is long distance, so requires travel on both of our parts, but we make it work because we want to be part of one another’s lives. We talk on the phone and text on and off during the day, and talk for hours every night. I worry sometimes that I don’t feel guilty. I just don’t. We were meant for one another, for whatever reason. Of course we do all of the questioning… what if we had met sooner, what if our jobs/lives/families would allow for a move to be close… we both would love to someday, but not now. The thing is, we have known one another for sixteen years, and had these feelings. We put them away and went our separate ways, trying to do the right thing. We kept reconnecting through various events and still, put it away, always having these heart wrenching feelings for one another. Finally, we just decided it wasn’t fair to us to do that. I think if I had been married, or his marriage had been happy, we would never have followed our hearts, but how do you deny it when it won’t go away? I am happy with our arrangement. I know he loves me. I know he is devoted to me. I know that someday, if the situation is right, things may change. They also may not. For now, I am happy. I do not regret, nor make excuses for our relationship. We are what we are, and we are both grateful.

    • I’m glad you both found people you are happy with, even though the situation isn’t the best. We all do what we can. Many people don’t understand why these guys stay in loveless marriages. They need to learn to never say never. You never know where you’ll be from one day to the next. I never thought I’d be with a married man….and here I am!

      I used to feel guilty, but now more. I’ve heard too much (from other people, not him) about how his wife treats him and I go from wanting to bitchslap her for being so nasty to him to wanting to thank her for allowing me to be with him. So….feel guilty? Nope. Not at all now.

      I believe that as long as you both follow your heart….not your “nether regions”….things will work out. As long as we realize that things could go in the wife’s favor, we should be OK. Sure, it’ll hurt for a bit, but at least we’re prepared. Good luck to you both.

  26. Well my long time mman had gradually phased me out of his life. I’ve been in love with him for 40 years (since I was 12 years old) He swore he would never do this and he told me he loved me over and over and over. But he did do it and he did not really love me.

    • Robin…

      It doesn’t mean he doesn’t or didn’t love you…it just means that life happened to take him in another direction. Has he ever mentioned to you why he started phasing you out?

      • He just cut off all contact so I haven’t tried to reach him. Oh I did the first couple of days because we spoke every day but when his line became “disconnected” I knew what he was doing. Same story as all the rest, he felt sorry and obligated to his wife. Not long before this happened he actually told me he would spend the rest of his life trying to make his affair up with her. I just said being married to her had to feel like dog years. What caused all of this was him. He actually confessed to her 2 years ago and our life has been hell ever since. He thought she would kick him out and we could be together and the first couple of days after his confession he stayed with me and acted like that’s what we were going to do. Then he went home to her for the weekend and the next week everything had changed. I didn’t question him, I didn’t whine or cry or beg him I just sat back and watched him. The first year together he spend 4 out of 7 nights with me. the wife thought he was traveling and he would go home for the weekend. The wife could careless where he was up until he confessed. She had no use for him. to be completely honest he always said he could never leave her and i never expected him to or ask him to. we are in our 50′s and it’s not like i wanted to start a family or anything. I just didn’t expect he would be talking to me one day and disconnect his phone the next. he suprised me.

        • I’m sorry this all happened to you. Luckily, you did see it coming, but just not to the extent that it was. This is why I always say “Hope for the best, but expect the worst”. They always will find ways to surprise us.

  27. I’m exhausted from reading all of these. My head is spinning. This is the first blog I’ve ever read that didn’t bash the OW. I’m the OW…or was. I just let go. I’ll never be the same. He is scared. Scared of losing his property, his garage that he works in for extra money and he is scared of hurting the extended family. We are in love. I know he loves me. I see it. I feel it. But I could not continue to be in a holding pattern when is scared of being true to himself. The once strong, confident, light up a room man that I fell head over heels for is now a scared, lonely, emotional wrecked with fear. Am I wrong to abandon him now? What about my wants and needs. He just keeps apologizing. 7 years is a long time to devote to someone who is just to scared, and scarred emotionally for being in a relationship he can’t get out of. Or won’t. I throw up my hands, and am down on my knees in prayer for guidance and my very survival to make it through this, to make a new life without the love of my life.

    • It’s so hard when the MM is afraid of what will happen if he leaves the marriage.

      No, you’re not wrong for leaving him. After 7 years, it’s time you started thinking about you first instead of him. You have to do what’s right for you. He won’t leave his wife, but that doesn’t mean that you have to put your life on hold.

      In all the years that I’ve been with my MM, he knows that there will probably come a point where I need to move on. He’s starting to realize that this may happen within the next year or so when I’m ready to sell my house. I will not be moving nearer to him, like he suggested; I want to move down south. He does have a choice…I told him that the only way I will stay up north (with the cold winters) is that if he moved in with me. If he can’t do that, I’ll go it alone in Key West. I’ll then be in your situation. He tells me if I move away, it will break his heart. I tell him that where I move is up to him. We’ll see what happens.

  28. I had vascilated about commenting on this, but I just coudln’t let this one go.
    Selfish and self-centeredness- pride and ego.
    It is very clear what Scripture says about marriage; and it is quite clear that He hates divorce.
    There is a reason.
    God desires us all to live lives that are happy, joyous, and free. He also tells us to love Him above all and to love our neighbors as ourselves.
    Making excuses does not change the fact that you are where God DOES NOT desire you to be.
    And, this man, continuing with this, is just as guilty as you are.
    You don’t have to be a Bible-beating, church attending woman to accept this truth.
    Deep within each person is a concept or idea of God. And you can make exuses all you would like, but ultimately you have to answer (as all people) to Him.
    I pray you truly come to the point where you can let go and let God.
    You may say you love him, but love isn’t about feelings. It is about doing the best for another person. If you truly loved him, you would not continue this affair. You would realize that what God has brought together, no human being has the right to seperate.

    • I thank you for your insanely judgmental comments. It is people like you that make me try to stay away from holier than thou religious fanatics.

      If “God desires us all to live lives that are happy, joyous and free”, then why on earth would this god prefer seeing a man who made a poor choice of spouse remain miserable? My MM is doing the right thing by being there for, and spending time with his daughter, but he’s also spending time with me because I am the other person in his life who makes him happy.

      We are all human, and as such, we make mistakes. I made a mistake when I married, but I chose the divorce route. You would probably be against that too since that would be considered separating what “God has brought together”.

      Regardless, I make no excuses. If my man’s wife spent a little bit of time showing him that he was appreciated for his hard work and loving nature, his story would be totally different. But, alas, his wife chose to berate him (not because he was with me…that started way before we became reacquainted) every chance she got. She alienated him from his family and most of his long-time friends. Is this what you consider living a happy, joyous and free life? I guess you believe that no matter how miserable things are in a marriage, no one should divorce or try to find happiness elsewhere.

      Pray all you want, but it will not change my feelings or my actions. I do not apologize for making this man happier than he has ever been before.

      • OW : Thanks for your response. I’m holding firm and it’s been 40 days of deep pain and some serious self reflection. I miss him so much. I miss hearing his voice say my name. I miss our talks. He is/was my best friend. It’s certainly a grieving process. But I”m strong. This too shall pass. Thanks OW! I’ll think kind thought for you and your man. I hope things go your way dear. :)

    • Who are you to judge and what are YOU doing cruising this web site? Just to make yourself feel better because you think you have a spot reserved at the head of the judgment committee table? My guess is that you, poor, poor you, has never experienced that breath taking, once in a lifetime LOVE. You want to spread your hate and judgment upon those of us to have found that wonderful love, but due to circumstances, can’t have it? I feel sorry for you.

      “People hasten to judge in order not to be judged themselves.”
      ― Albert Camus

  29. Wow. It’s really sad to glorify being the other woman. I had dated men who were in committed relationships and it wad nota good feeling being the other woman. You all can sugar coat this all you want but it is not a good idea to accept these terms nor behavior of a grown man. You are lying to yourselves by being blindsided at the fact being the other woman is basically being available at the man’s convenience and on his terms. Can you honestly say that you, the other woman would rather be a convenience to a man as opposed to being in a more healthier and happier relationship?

    • Ellen….

      Glorify? I think not! There’s nothing glorious about being the other woman, but, as I’ve said many times, sometimes, life happens.

      As for my being available to my man on his terms: I am not always available to him and I don’t plan my life around him. He is with me 6 days a week and if I needed him on a 7th day, he would be there for me. I would like to know how I am a “convenience” to my man. Do you think when he comes here, we strip down and jump into bed? If so, you are very much mistaken. He comes here after working usually a 12 hour shift, so he’s exhausted. We’ll go out to get something to eat, or I’ll cook something (not because I have to but because I love to cook). If it’s early enough, he will hang out with me watching TV for a while. Since he’s exhausted, he pretty much falls asleep within a half hour! Very romantic evenings we have here!! LOL! That’s OK, because while he’s sleeping, I’ll read or watch TV.

      I can’t imagine being in a healthier or happier relationship. He treats me like gold and we are very comfortable with each other. We laugh and play, we go on outings…people we see all the time tell us that they love when we come around because we make them smile. We’re often asked how long we’ve been married because we “fit” just right.

      The relationship I have with my MM is very different than most, and I say that all the time. It’s not often the OW and her MM can be as open as we are. I never try to say otherwise.

  30. You are a convenience because you are the other woman and not the wife For some reason you choose to be denial about this situation. He is not YOUR MAN!!!!!! YOU ARE NOT HIS WIFE!!!!!! This man is playing you and the wife.The reason he is exhausted is cuz he has to play house with you and then go home and do the same thing with his wife. WAKE UP!!!!!! Find a single man who will enjoy your company and your cooking.

    • Yes, Ellen….

      My guy is exhausted because he’s “playing house” with both me and his wife. It has absolutely nothing to do with his 12 hour a day work schedule. Gotcha.

      I know very well that I’m not his wife, but he IS my man. His wife is his wife in name only. She pretty much threw him away and I think she likes that he’s not home, just so long as she has her house and her bills paid. It’s sad, really. I wish it wasn’t like that for him at home because he does deserve better. If his wife were to call me and tell me that she wants things to work in her marriage and that she’s ready to treat him right, I would gladly step aside. Would it be hard? Sure would. But if he could have it all at home, I’d want to make his life less complicated.

  31. Lady you’re crazy. Just because you are sleeping with a married man does not make him your man. It just makes you his whore. He is definitely playing you and you are foolish enough to play along with his game. I’m not judging you. I’m being really honest with because like I said I was the other woman and was stuck on stupid cuz he put it on me and believed every word he said just like you do. Eventually I got tired of the crap I realized my self worth and deserve better than what I had settled for. I love myself enough to never ever get back into that situation again. I’d rather be alone and happy than to be desperate and lonely. Too bad you don’t know the difference. I’m done with this conversation.

    • LOL, Ellen!!!!!! I’m so glad you told me that you weren’t judging me or I would have thought that calling me a whore, stupid and crazy were judgments! My bad!

      I don’t know how your affair went, but obviously, it went badly. What you need to realize is that not all relationships with married men are the same as yours was. Maybe you were played…maybe a lot of OW are being played….but I know I’m not being played and neither are a lot of other OW. I’m not in this wearing cute little pink bedazzled blinders…my eyes are wide open. I’m a big girl. I haven’t stopped living my life because I’m waiting for him to decide to come see me. He knows what days of the week I’m unavailable. He realizes that when he comes over here, it’s not a sure thing that he will be getting laid. Sometimes I will have the time and feel like cooking, but most of the time, we just go out to eat.

      We have fun together, but we also have our arguments. The arguments we work out like grown ups.

      I’ve said over and over that you can’t judge one OW/MM relationship by another because they are all different. As people, we’re not all the same and neither are our relationships whether it’s a relationship with a married man or a single man. Even our friendships differ from others. It’s the way of the human race. You can’t lump everyone into one little package and tie it with a bow.

      So….you’re done? Now the “stupid, crazy whore” is done. Maybe if you had a cookie it would kill the taste of the bitterness…..

  32. Really? Seriously? You’re not smart enough to flip the script on me. But you’re dumb enough to be a married man’s whore and you’re smart enough to be ok with dishonesty and dysfunction. I have enough class and dignity to no longer accept what you are currently accepting. You have a lot more growing up to do. It’s a difference between being alone and being lonely. I love myself too much to allow disappointments and heartaches make me bitter. I forgave myself and the men who hurt me. So trust and believe I don’t have a bitter bone in my body. I now choose not to be in situation that is dishonest and dysfunctional. Life is too short for that.

  33. I was looking for a blog about forgivness and I came across this blog. All I can do is shake my head. There is a commitment and a vow when 2 people marry. If one of the marital partners choose to leave that committment to be with another person. They owe it to that spouse to be honest. If a man or a woman are going behind their spouses back to have an affair it is wrong. Deception is terrible and will destory many peoples lives. It may feel good at the time, but it impacts someone at some point.
    I suppose I have tried to think about actions like this:
    1) Would I have an issue if my actions were shown on the 5′olcok news.
    2) If my children were in the room would I do the same action
    3) Can I freely discuss my actions with my family and friends.
    Over the years I have learned that for every action there is a consequence. I will pray for the married mans family and God to lay it on his heart to be honest. I will pray for God to protect your heart. In most cases married men do not leave their wives for women they are having affairs with. It is very sad, but the reality is men have affairs for control most and women for emotional reasons. I hope in your case it is what you think, but statitics are not on your side.

    • Hello, Danielle:

      Let me take this point by point:

      1. The 5 o’clock news would not be interested in the better part of the relationship my MM and I have together. We do boring things like yard work, going to dinner and visiting family and friends. Nothing newsworthy there, but if cameras wanted to follow us when we’re out, that’s fine.

      2. I guess you never have sex if you wouldn’t do an action unless you could do it when your children were in the room. But, you had to have had sex in order to have the children. Catch-22 there.

      3. Friends and family know of the relationship my MM and I have.

      The problem with your three points is that they seem to only be focused on the sexual aspect of a relationship. That isn’t all there is to a true relationship.

      Sometimes, it’s so easy to look at an affair/extra-marital relationship and immediately say how all the MM/MW must do is be honest with their spouse. It’s not that easy when the spouse has made threats of financial disaster and loss of children.

      Do I believe that my MM will be leaving his wife? No, I do not. Is he with me because he can “control” me? I have been told I’m very hard to “control”, so that’s not it. Right now, what we have works and has been working for over a decade. Even if I move out of state, I believe it will still work, but it will change to long-distance with one of us making a trip to see the other every now and then. Whatever happens, we will remain friends because we were friends first.

      • OW,

        You are actually quite easy to control. He has been controlling you for several years now. All he had to do is say, “I love you” and you tolerate any amount of disrespect. I read your earlier threads about how sad you were……how you were alone on yet another holiday… when you needed him he could not be there. You even made a long post about how he faked being sick so he could visit with his sister and he avoided you. You even complain that he needs “to grow a pair” regarding multiple things you believe he should do but does not.

        And, you know all of it. He trained you to learn your place and you have accepted it. Now, that is control…..

        • You even made a long post about how he faked being sick so he could visit with his sister and he avoided you.

          You’re going to have to tell me which post this was, since I remember no such thing. He doesn’t avoid me….ever.

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