Cheating Isn’t Always Black and White…There are Shades of Grey – Part 2

When I started this blog, I knew I would get trashed.  It’s inevitable.  This is a very touchy subject and I understand that.  I just wish that people who feel the need to psycho-analyze me and my relationship actually would READ my posts….ALL of them….before trying to pass judgement!

Yes, there are “serial cheaters”.  But sometimes, there are those who cheat because they were emotionally abandoned by their spouses (I’m talking about both men and women here).  So, if one is emotionally abandoned, what do you do?  Do you stay with the spouse, knowing you will never get another hug, or kiss, or kind word?  Do you live in misery for the rest of your life?  Even if you never dreamed you would cheat, if you resigned yourself to the sexless, loveless life you found yourself in, what would you do if you met someone who was willing to give you a hug, or talk to you, or laugh with you?  Cheating is not black and white…there really are shades of grey.  I’ve said over and over again that not all relationships are the same.  No one outside of ANY relationship knows what happens on the inside.  I have no delusions.  I’m sure my guy and his wife DO talk civilly to each other when they have to.  She will always be the mother of his child.  There will always be that bond.  But that doesn’t mean that there is a real marriage there.

When my man and I go out, whether it’s with friends or alone, people view us as the “old married couple”.  We know each other so well we finish each other’s sentences (sounds cliche, but it’s true), we know when to give the other distance, we can make each other laugh.   We hold hands in the car, or when we’re walking down the street.  We steal kisses when we work together.  We know each other’s faults and can call each other on them.

There are waiters and waitresses who know us as a couple and probably would be shocked to know that we’re not married to each other.   If I go to our favorite diner without him, someone always asks about my “husband”.

Is this the ideal situation?  Of course not!  Certainly I would have preferred to meet a nice SINGLE guy, but I didn’t.  I met him.  I didn’t go out looking for a married man, and in the beginning, I also didn’t expect to be in a relationship with him.  That was because he’s so much younger than me.  I didn’t know he was married in the beginning.  Maybe I should have ended it when I found out, but I didn’t.  Things progressed to where we are now and there’s no point looking back.

People are going to judge me whether they know me or not.  I just wish that before judging, they look into themselves and ask those “what ifs”.

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18 thoughts on “Cheating Isn’t Always Black and White…There are Shades of Grey – Part 2

  1. I am so glad i found your blog!!! I am also seeing a married man and its been one wild roller coaster ride that i’ve been riding for 4 year now! My man and I go out all the time and he stays with me 3 or 4 times a week and sometimes weekends. His wife doesnt care where he is or what he does, just as long as her “lifestyle” is maintained. Most people dont understand why i put up with it, hell sometimes i ask myself the same thing. We are waiting for his youngest to go off to college and then he will be able to leave his wife without worrying about his daughter being taken care of. I want to thank you for having this blog and i will be faithful reading for support.

  2. I love this post! It is so right on the money. There is so much gray in this area and honestly this situation is not all that uncommon. If you look on the internet there are sooo many sites about how to save a marriage after an affair it is crazy! Mine also is a shade of gray. when I met my man almost 4 years ago, he was in the third year of his marriage. He met his wife and 5 months later he found out she was pregnant so he married her with out really knowing her. Most people are still in newly wed phase in the third year of marriage. My man was not, he was very lonely and sad about his marriage. We became friends and I was a sunnier side to his life. Both of us never planned on having an affair. I was just coming out of a loveless marriage myself. We offered each other support, friendship, and had many things in common. Things between us started to grow closer. we both tried to resist the feelings between us. Our work has many social things that include families and not once did his wife attend any of them and he tried desparately to get her to come to one of them. She came once and stayed for 15 mins. complained about being there and left. That is the only time ever she came to anything for him. as time went by, we got closer and our friendship grew into more. After a while we just couldn’t ignore what was between us. we enjoyed being together and would go almost everywhere together. we enjoyed playing on the companies softball and pool league together with our friends. We would talk for hours and would support eachother through many things going on in our lives. when his dad had a heart attack and he was worried he was going to die, he sat on the phone at the hospital with me for hours until we knew his dad was going to be fine. his wife never even came to the hospital she said she didn;t have a baby sitter. When he had a cancer scare and was at the hospital waiting for results, she told him to just text her with what the doctor had said. I was there by his side giving him a strong shoulder. He never gets support or encouragement or even understanding at home. Whenever we were together and she would call it was never about where he was or when he was coming home. It was always his son was sick or hurt and he needed to come take his son to the doctor. she never showed she cared for almost two years. So what was a man to do? marriage should not be such a lonely, difficult place. especially in hard times. Marriage should be a friendship as well as a love. She never cared about where he was or what he was doing until a friend of hers at work helped her to hack into his e-mail and she realized someone was being nice and supportive to her husband. Then she raised a fit. Not to work on their marriage but to hold his son over his head. He tried to go back and commit fully to his marriage. I encouraged him to go try to have a marriage. he tried for almost two years. I saw him everyday, just being the shell of a man I knew years before. he was sick all the time and looked like a beaten dog. She didn’t make him come back to save their marriage. he tried and she refused to give him love, sex, affection and kindness. I know he works hard to keep things calm and civil with her. He has done everything she has asked and more. with out anything back in return. He is not allowed to have friends. talk to them or have “guy” time or work any over time. I know some wives would say he deserves to be put in a prison he cheated! honestly, does this “prison “idea work? yes, he did wrong, he has tried to repair and make his marriage work. Even children and pets who have done wrong evetually get forgiven! We have started back again and I am happy and he is too. With the only reason keeping him in their home is his 5 year old son. I am proud of him for trying the best he can for his boy. i do not know how he does it sometimes. i know that his home life is very restricted and sometimes his wife and him do have good days which are usually about his son, not them. he tries to make their relationship a civil friendship for his son. he hates her anger and resentment around his son. So he does what he can to keep the peace for his son. we see each other every day at work and when we can. You can not help who you fall in love with. we tried for a long time to get “over” each other and it never worked. Sometimes we marry the wrong person. I did. Sometimes when the right person comes along we are already with the wrong person. I will continue to support my man for what he is trying to do for his son. I know right now divorce is not an option. His wife has already made it very obvious that she would make his divorce very difficult for their son and him. At least for now his son is to young to go through that. Maybe when he is older. For now, he has his son and me to love and support him.

    • My man had a similar situation when his mom was sick. His wife hated his mom! When she was in a nursing home, she wouldn’t go with him, yet complained when he went every day after work. Also, he had a health issue where he needed some surgery. His wife dropped him off at the hospital. Literally, dropped him off at the door and left! As soon as I got off from work, I spent the rest of the night with him there. I was there holding his hand as they were removing the tubes.

      Now….speaking of punishment….a few years ago, a friend and I were sitting in traffic and there was a guy next to us in a very bland looking mini-van. The guy looked miserable!!!! As traffic moved, he ended up a little ahead of us and we saw his license plate. It was a “vanity” plate that read “MARRIED”. My friend and I started laughing and I said, “Well….I guess that’s one who was caught cheating!” I wonder if he had to wear a “MARRIED” t-shirt too………

  3. Having an affair has continually managed to keep my sanity in check in my marriage. Since I know that cheating on my wife is not the decent thing to do, therefore I make every attempt to make my marriage work. Since I do not want to get a divorce and put my kids through the ordeal of a broken family, I would rather have an affair so I can keep myself happy, even though I do feel guilty of having sex with another woman. While it is definitely fun to have a sexual relationship with my mistress, I am always prudent to make sure that I am protected sexually. You never know what can be transmitted without any kind of protection. It might be hard to believe this, but having an affair definitely helped me become a better husband because I know what I have to do to cover my tracks.

    • If its not the decent thing to do, then why do it? Do you really think that if your kids found out about it, it wouldn’t be an ordeal? What kind of example are you setting for them, what kind of hurt will you cause? Cheating, lying… you already don’t have a marriage so don’t even try to justify what your doing to keep your sanity! I know women who have had nervous breakdowns when they found out their husbands cheated and they always do no matter how you try and cover it they will find out and then what? You’ll be sorry, you’ll feel bad. So glad that you think an AFFAIR is fun! Why don’t you grow up and be a real man and have FUN with your wife? I’m sick and tired of men thinking they are entitled to anything they want. Think about this, I hope your wife has FUN someday too… she has so much fun that she realizes your just not worth it anymore….! Would you like it if she shares her feelings, passions and emotions with someone else and has FUN with them?

      • A little add on I forgot! Your’re not a better husband. In fact your’re not a husband at all. Your a deceitful lying b…………d. And God Bless your wife. maybe someday she’ll find someone who can be better to her without all the lies and cheating… Oh big man that you are using protection, you talk like your some kind of saint… Like what, your’re doing it for the sake of your wife? REally? You actually sound like you want credit for something like that? Take a good look at yourself, hopefully you’ll see what you really are and maybe someday when you can face that you might turn into a real man!

        • What he’s doing is for the sake of his sanity. If he’s not getting any love at home and is frustrated, his affairs could “calm” him so he doesn’t go home and yell at the wife and kids for no apparent reason. Does that make it right? No. But that’s his choice. Maybe he should have a talk with his wife to see if the marriage can be saved. But, again…his choice.

      • Really….

        I’m going to try to answer for “Cheating Husband”. I can only go by my man’s experience. By the way, “Cheating Husband” is NOT my man.

        It’s so easy to tell a man to go out and have fun with his wife, but sometimes, that’s not possible. Some women will use their kids as an excuse to not spend quality time alone with their husbands. By quality time, I don’t mean going out on the town when they are tired. I mean simply putting in a DVD and snuggling on the sofa with her husband after the kids are in bed. Some men would be happy to have someone to snuggle with. Along with the snuggling, the wife could make a small effort to “play” a little. There are woman who won’t make even this small effort. How long is someone (man or woman) supposed to live a life without any intimacy?

        So, if “Cheating Husband’s” wife decides that she wants to bring intimacy back into the marriage, I hope he is willing to give up the cheating to have a second chance with his wife.

    • I approved this comment to get the “husband’s” perspective, even though I suspect that you have an “ulterior” motive (like, perhaps, advertising a particular “cheating” website).

      Even though I am the other woman, I need to ask if you have talked to your wife about your unhappiness. Instead of cheating, perhaps you and your wife could come to some sort of compromise. I firmly believe that before going outside of the marriage, either the husband or wife should first make every attempt to work on the marriage. If that’s impossible, we’re only human.

  4. I’m truly happy that I’ve found this biog. You are truly brave for being honest about your life.
    There really are shades of grey when it comes to being married, cheating and being the other woman. I’m actually pretty new to all of this and find it hard to express how I truly feel about creating or being someones mistress. It all kind of happened by accident, but ive never been more happy in my life. Two years ago, my friend came to visit me as he usually does. We live in two different states but have known eachother since we were children. We usually make time to see either every two months. This time it was different, he had just gotten into a huge fight with his fiance and I had just gotten out of a long term relationship where I just found out my guy cheated on me numerous times. Well as the usual story goes, we drank too much and had sex. I guess we always had that sexual attraction but never acted on it because we’ve known eachother forever. We stopped talking for 6 months and whenever he came to visit he just saw our mutual friends. He got married and when he came to visit early last year, he asked to see me. We talked like old times and it was great. I was only dating at the time, so I wasn’t emotionally tied down to anyone. We spent a week together and ended up getting together again. Before he left we had a series convo on what we want and came to the conclusion that even though love is there, we aren’t necessarily in love with eachother. I also told him that I truly think he should stay married and we’ll ser where our relationship goes. One year later and we’ve had numerous trysts and each time its nothing but fun. We can be honest with eachother and not get jealous of eachothers love life either. I’m in a new relationship now and have been for 3 months. I absolutely adore this guy but still want to keep my relationship with my married friend. I dunno, I guess I feel like I get the best of both worlds. I may be in a selfish mode right now, but I don’t see my affair with my friend ending anytime soon. I’m also in my late 20s, so who knows I may change in a few years. Also, I really only feel guilty for not feeling guilty about my situation. Make any sense?Anyways, I just wanted to share. I hope to keep reading more posts. Take care.

    • Affairs happen for many reasons. Not many people realize this. We all need to look within ourselves and ask if what we’re doing is the right thing at the time. We need to learn from all of our experiences, good or bad. Life is a classroom. Enjoy what you can, but try not to let anyone get hurt. Be happy and thanks for your comments.

    • I didn’t really ncotie any signs. I was away on military assignment. I had received the news from my brother, shortly after we had an intimate night after four months of separation. I thought it strange that she was visiting her parents in her hometown and staying in a motel room. It turns out she did him the night before while I was on a flight home. She told me that the motel room was used so that her parents wouldn’t have to clean up after our son. (Her parents were about to move because of job reasons.) She told me that the constant phone calls were to his mom, because she was once a military spouse and she needed someone to listen to her. She told me that the reason that he left from that motel room the night before was that she wouldn’t take him all the way home after a night of bowling. She had his friend Larry pick him up. The only thing is Larry is my sister in law’s exhusband. He sees my brother all the time when picking up his kids. My brother knew exactly which room she was in because he asked Larry. Larry has had to pick him up several times. The other man has no car, no job, and lives with his parents. Oh and he’s thirty one. My brother met me outside the motel as I was coming out; he convinced me to leave with him where he told everything. He took my car keys from me first. Thank god. I’d probably be facing murder charges if he hadn’t.

  5. Ironically I stumbled upon this blog because I was looking for ways to cope for my newly ended affair. After reading many of the posts on here, I felt compelled to tell my story too!! Like many of your stories start, we too were friends from work (he was a contractor where I work and came in every 3 months). I was married when we met. We talked about our families, the things we liked to do, etc etc. I had lost a significant amount of weight and he had noticed this and even asked if I’d come over to his house and talk to his wife about how I did it because he was concerned about her health. I have been married twice and the first marriage was with a man who cheated on me several times. I have my two children with him. So, of all people that would ever get involved with a MM it surely would not have been me….but…. So, as I mentioned we were friends for about 4 years and thru that time my 2nd marriage was crumbling…he’d offer me advise as to what to do to try and save it, always eager to hear how things worked out. Nothing was going to save this marriage but I honestly took his suggestions to heart and tried them. I filed for a divorce and moved out and got my own place. My kids at this point in time were 15 and 18. After my divorce things between the MM and I changed somewhat…like there was “electricity” if you will, between us. I don’t know if it was because of my renewed sense in life after getting divorced from someone who constantly yelled every day or what it was but there was one defining moment where our arms brushed up against each other and honestly there was a shock between us. We both felt it and asked each other simultaneously whether or not each had felt it. I am not some stupid teeny boppy girl, at the time I was 41 years old!! I thought I was crazy!!! So, I gave him a business card of mine and told him maybe someday we could meet up and talk….3 months went by and we decided to meet and talk. Both of us were so very scared and he told me that he didn’t want a girlfriend and that although his marriage was not good (the usual, no sex, shes lazy, etc etc) he did not have any intentions on having an affair. An affair was the last thing I needed too…but that’s not what happened. From the time it started we tried to break it off, but we were never successful at it. He would make me cd’s of songs that reminded him of me, scribble little notes and leave them for me. We talked ALOT!! Alot more than most married people probably do in a lifetime of being married!!! This went on and off for almost 3 1/2 years. I would push him and ask him if he was leaving and he’d tell me wait til she finished up with nursing school, then that would happen and I’d push again and he’d say wait til she gets a job…then it was I have to get the kids thru school. I honestly tried my very best to try and get away and date other people, but our love always pulled me back to him.

    Of course he HATED it when I would go on a date, because of course he was threatened, but he also knew it wasn’t fair to either of us to keep seeing each other. One night I had just got home from a date and he called me….which was very strange because our texting/calling HAD to end by 4pm bcause of the wife being home. So, when he called me at 10:30 at night, I was shocked!! He was angry with me bcause I had been on a date. We argued about his and he began talking very loudly. I asked him where “she” was and he told me in bed…While I had never been inside his house, he had explained in detail to me what the layout was and I knew that their bedroom was right next to the room he was in. Sure enough the next thing I hear is her voice asking him who he is talking to. He told her someone from work, then she said that it sounded like a lovers quarrel… So, he was busted. I thought that finally, he would be divorced, and that’s what he thought too. For two months. But then all of a sudden he told me he was staying. He had to see his kids graduate from highschool and college and that he was not leaving. I ended it again. This time we did manage to stay away from each other for close to 2 years, then little by little the texting and calling started back (which during those 2 years they never really ended but we didn’t talk or text a whole lot, just enough to stay updated in each others lives)…but then everything changed one day when I left that wall fall down. But still we kept it cool and did nothing sexually…for a while, then that happened too. We both knew that our love had never died, even though I had been seeing someone (who I asked to leave several times and won’t go) I honestly was always looking for someone who would take his place, but we all know that just doesn’t happen.

    While I feel horrible, because now I’m the cheater too, I just had no strength to break it off again. And as silly as this is…I broke the “rule” recently and texted him on a Sunday at 1pm, just this “/” that’s all, just the hash mark….It was Easter Sunday and I really just wanted him to know I was thinking about him. Well…..his phone was on the counter and his wife was in the house and she looked at the phone and apparently remembered my number.

    World War III had broken out now….again. She called me, texted me, threatened me (he told her we had been talking but only for a few months). I spoke with him and although he was mad at me for texting he wasn’t as crappy as I had expected him to be. I felt horrible and as a result of my sending that / symbol, she was on the war path, rightfully so, however, she’s not the first to be cheated on and far from the last. I am a good person, I help the unfortunate, I’m not a horrible home wrecker, but I know that she’d never see me any other way (and likely some readers of this post will see me that way too), I knew my first marriage was crap and I struggled from the day I left until today, but I don’t care. The time that I was making $4.50 an hour and raising my two children was the best time of my life and I have no regrets at all for getting out of either of my marriages. Unfortunately, people get afraid, or others hold things over their heads (back when she first found out about us 3 years ago, she wrote on their kitchen wall with a sharpie marker what his “screw” ups in life were, for all to see (including their kids)….but yet she wouldn’t let him go and he won’t go anywhere. Recently he told me that he wants to be at whatever door his kids walk thru. I tried to convince him that his kids are near adults now, (one a senior in high school, the other a sophmore) and that the relationship he has with them is not dependent on his wife. But for some reason, one that I will never figure out, he says he will never leave.

    So, this has to be the end of our story because I simply cannot take one more time being the one he did not choose. I know that if I HAVE to love myself more than I love him and leave him alone once and for all. It is very very hard. I want to text him, want to call and email, but I am honestly trying so very hard to give him what he wants in this life and that is not me.

    I only want him to have the happiest life he can have and he has made it clear that even though he loves me and I am his “soul mate, best friend and lover” he will never leave….

    It’s a very tough pill to swallow, but I gotta swallow it before his crazy wife makes his life even harder now, as well as start trouble for me (last time she called my boss at work to tell her that I was having an affair with her husband and that she wanted my boss to talk to me and tell me that if I didn’t stop seeing him she would continue to call my boss every week until they fired me)…that was an interesting meeting that day….

    Anyway, in closing I just want to say that I have been on both sides of this situation and neither are fun…but there are always reasons that things happen and are always two sides to the story. A happy man that is getting all of his needs met and is in love with his wife will NOT stray…so for those women out there that think that these women on here are horrible people, that is simply not true. You need to take a look at yourself and answer honestly what are you doing to keep your marriage alive, keep your man happy?…and if you aint doing anything, you have a “blame” in the situation too…you’re not a victim, you’re a player in the game as well. In my first marriage, after the birth of my son, I became a mommy and that was my focus, my priority, but not his and that was my fault because I no longer cared for him as a husband the way I should have and he went and ran with the freedom he had while I stayed at home and cared for our son, something that I was very happy to do, but now, I see where that was the beginning of our end…I forgot I was also his wife, partner and friend. But I am a big enough person to admit that…unfortunately not alot of women are big enough to admit where their failures are and they will always be the victim of a husband who cheated….poor poor things….

    Thank you for allowing me to express myself. As I end this, I still want to text him and tell him I love him and miss him…but I just cannot do it cuz if I do, IF he responds, it’ll just be this vicious almost 7 year cycle again, and quite frankly, my body, my mental state cannot take it anymore…

    Good luck to all of you, I hope you get to spend the rest of your days with the one you love!!!

    • WOW!! Talk about a ride! You’ve been through it all. Good luck to you! And I hope you find someone you can be happy with!

      • I am so glad to find this site. I have been the other woman for the last 10 yrs. I was married but separated from my husband 8 yrs into the affair. The divorce was final last yr. Being the OW is not easy, and if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn’t. When I started the affair it was about sex and feeling needed and appreciated. Somewhere in my 26 yrs of marriage my husband stopped caring about me as a person. Anything I said or did was “stupid”. He would ask my opinion on something and would do the exact opposite. My self-esteem was shot. Then came my MM. He worked part time at my job and I thought he was the most gorgeous man that ever walked the earth. Over time we spoke about our personal lives and I poured my heart out to him. He actually tried to help me save my marriage. He is a yr younger than my husband so he tried to clue me in on what men think and why they do what they do. Anyway, things didn’t work out and I filed. My ex barely put up a fight. Now I’m just waiting for him to do the same. He is waiting for his child to go off to college then he says he’s leaving her. I have never pressured him because I don’t want to be the reason he leaves her. He has to want to do it on his own. He wasn’t the reason that I got divorced; I just had a crappy marriage.
        Anyway, its nice to find a site where there are other women like me. Women who don’t judge and understand. We’ll see if he keeps his promise and hopefully someday he’ll be with me.

        • My man and I talked about being together some day. I’m not holding out any hopes of this. He says he’ll leave when his daughter turns 18, but, as I tell him, I think then it’ll be “Wait until she graduates college”, then “She’s getting married, so I can’t leave now.”, then “I’ll leave after my daughter has her baby….” Bottom line: I have come to terms that he won’t leave. I think as OW, we all have to accept that we have no control over anyone’s life but our own. If he leaves, great! But if he doesn’t, we need a “plan” on what we’ll do then.

          I know I’ll stay. I’ll stay because I really like living alone. In fact, if he tells me he’s leaving his wife, I’ll have to think long and hard if I want to change my lifestyle to have him move in. I know I’d never be able to live with him (or anyone else for that matter) in the house I’m in now. It’s way too small. I need my space. But, I don’t have to think of that now. If the time comes, I’ll handle it.

    • Thank you for posting your story.. I just found this tonight. I recently broke up with “my man” not easy as you know but I couldn’t handle being his back up plan any more and had to face the facts that after being with him for over 6.5 yrs I was wasting my time… he wasn’t going any where.
      For years I justified this relationship.. acted like it was special.. fact is it wasn’t. All these stories are really the same… and the bottom line is that someone is a great manipulator, a great liar and is having his cake and eating it too.. cliche but once you start to be honest with yourself you will realise it too.
      I m not passing judgement on anyone here.. i was involved with him for 6.5 years and i do miss him but under no circumstance can i be with him ever again…. ever.
      I found this page (see below) and to be honest a year ago i would have snuffed it off saying thats not me that’s not “us” he loves me… but the hard truth it is me it is us…
      this break up is not easy… i’m human and a break up is hurtfull no matter what the situation.. even going to counselling.
      best of luck to everyone…

      • Not all men involved with other women are “great manipulators”. My eyes are wide open in my relationship and I don’t feel as if I’m wasting time. I have a very busy, active life with and without him.

        People have affairs for all kinds of reasons. True, there are some who are just in it for the sex, but there are also those who are truly unhappy with their spouses (and the spouses with them), but can’t get out of the marriage for whatever reason. Sometimes, people get married for all the wrong reasons. When this happens, just because a mistake was made, should those people be forced to live unhappy, unloved lives forever? By having an affair, it’s possible that one level of stressed is reduced. The spouse feels loved finally, so when he or she goes home, they are less likely to “snap” at the other. Even if this doesn’t lead to repairing the marriage, it could lead to the couple at least getting along. Think about it.

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