I’ve been with my MM for quite a few years now, so I’ve gone through all of the ups, downs and in-betweens of this relationship. I started off not knowing that this great guy that I had known for years and just became re-acquainted with was married. When I found out, we were one year into this and sometimes, I ask myself how I didn’t realize something was up. But, hind-sight is 20/20.
Even when I saw the evidence (his mom’s obituary), I still couldn’t really believe it because it was from a couple of years earlier, so anything could have happened in that time. The one thing I did was start looking for signs: female items left in his car (none), longer hair stuck to the passenger seat (never), him using the term “we need to get <whatever> for the house” when I knew he didn’t mean “we” as in him and me (not once). I let it go because I figured that if there was something he needed to tell me, he would. After all, we talked about (just about) everything.
When the truth finally came out, I was livid! His wife had called me, but not to confront me for being the other woman. It was to explain why people were in my yard taking pictures of one of his cars. She said she wanted to “surprise” him by having the car restored, but she didn’t sound like a happy wife trying to surprise her husband. Still, he was married, so whatever it was we had was over. At least, that’s what I told myself.
He came over that night and I broke it off. He asked for a chance to explain, and I gave it to him. He didn’t give me any of the cliche excuses like “My wife doesn’t understand me” or “I love her but I’m not IN love with her”. He didn’t even tell me he loved ME at that point. How could he? He knew he was married and didn’t want to tell me he loved me knowing that I probably would have laughed in his face!
I’ve been through ups and downs with my feelings. One day feeling like I couldn’t take another night when he left me to go home to his wife. The next day, knowing that I could count on him to be there for me if I needed him. I used to feel guilty, but that stopped when I realized that his wife never so much as stopped by to see him when he was working in the garage. She knew where he was and it was only a few minutes away. She never made the effort. She never even called to ask if he needed anything.
I don’t know my man’s wife. I never did. One thing I do know is that she is NOT a bad person as some think I believe. If she was a bad person, my guy would never have fallen in love with her and married her. What happened was that she stopped loving him. Many people don’t understand this, but it happens. I do know that he tried to make things work. I tried to get him to make things work before I became so emotionally invested in him that my heart would break into a zillion pieces. She didn’t want things to work. That’s it. She just stopped caring.
I have asked myself over and over what HE did to make her stop caring. I’ve asked him what he did. He claims to have no idea. All he knows is that she blamed menopause. Unfortunately, I know women who use that as an excuse to stop having sex, but she took it to the extreme and didn’t even want to be touched. I always thought that women who play the menopause card are the ones who really don’t enjoy sex and welcome menopause as an excuse to stop. Personally, if I had a husband who was younger than me and I lost interest in sex, I would be doing anything I could to try to get that interest back. Not that sex is THE most important thing, but a big chunk is missing without any intimacy.
It took me a long time to realize that what we have is better than a lot of marriages out there. We’re friends first, then lovers. I have my own space and time to do what I want. He has to do what he feels is right for his daughter and I accept that. I’m asked how I came to terms with this relationship. Well, I came to terms by living my own life. Sure, we have interests together, but I have my own interests that keep me busy. As the years go by, I realize that this relationship is good for both of us. We are together more than many married people. We talk more than most couples (thanks to his commute to and from work calls to me). When we’re together, we’re a REAL couple in a REAL relationship. I know, I know….there are some who will disagree and say I’m “settling”. I’m not settling…I’m happy. I don’t need to be his wife. I don’t need to be a mother to his daughter. I just need to be the one he loves who loves him back.
Right now, I’m going through a time when I want to get out of the north! He wants me to move closer to him, but I told him that there is no way I will be living in some out of the way area alone. If he wants me to stay up north, he will have to make a move to be with me. If he can’t do that, then I am going south. I have some time to decide what I want to do, but when I’m in a position to move, he will have his option. In the meantime, I’m looking at real estate down south. I’ve shown him several of the houses and condos I’m looking at, so he knows this is a very real option for me. I’m not going to push. As always, he needs to decide what to do for him. Whatever happens with this, I’ll come to terms with that too.