How NOT to Get Caught

BookcoverA while ago, I wrote a post about an idea I had to write a book on how not to get caught when you’re having an affair.  Well….I did it and it’s finally finished!

I thought long and hard about whether or not I should write this book, then  decided that it needed to be written.

Getting caught hurts EVERYONE!  It hurts the married lover, it hurts the spouse, it hurts the kids and it hurts the one in the relationship with the married lover.    Because affairs happen for different reasons, everyone involved hurts for different reasons.  This is why getting caught is not something you want to happen.

The book can be purchased by clicking on the link to the right of the posts.   There is a lot of good, useful information in it that could come in very handy.  I’m sure you’ll like it!



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62 thoughts on “How NOT to Get Caught

  1. I hope one day you are truly, madly deeply in love. And then I hope you experience the devastating effects an affair has on all those involved. If I were to say that it feels like your heart has been ripped out of your chest and shredded into a million pieces, I would not be exaggerating. You see, I have experienced it on all sides. As a young girl, witnessing my mother’s devastation after my father’s betrayal. Seeing her literally wither away. And now, experiencing what she went through, as a mother myself, of three young children. And here I come across this site, on how NOT to get caught. All you are doing is perpetuating the pain. For everybody! Even for yourselves!! Tell these arseholes to GROW UP! Tell them to stop blaming their wives for all their woes. Tell them to stop blaming everything else in their lives other than themselves! Tell them to speak up for gods sake and leave the marriage and THEN do whatever you want with whomever you want! They lack courage, integrity, honesty and simple human decency to treat women (BOTH of us) like this. This is what your website should be used for, not forever perpetuating the pain.

    • How interesting….I think I’ve been cursed….. :-/


      Maybe you thought your marriage was perfect and that is why you are so devastated that your husband was with another woman. Your case is not the only case there is. Some wives are actually relieved that their husbands leave them alone. They know the marriage was a mistake, or they fall out of love, but they still want the house, the car, the vacations, so they turn a blind eye. Also, not all men who have relationships with other women are lying assholes who constantly blame their wives for the failure of a marriage. Yes, it takes two, but it also takes two to try to make it work. Sometimes, the husband or wife is unwilling to work on things. In these cases, the spouse doesn’t necessarily go out looking to have an affair, but sometimes, it happens. Sometimes, that affair turns into something more.

      I’m sorry your husband cheated on you. Did you not see it coming? Were there no signs that there was trouble brewing? Were you not given a chance to work together to fix whatever was wrong to make your husband stray? Was this a one-night stand (or a series of them), an affair, or an actual relationship with the other woman? Is it something you can forgive and work on, taking the mistakes on both sides, learning from them to make the marriage stronger?

      This website was set up as a support system for women involved with married men (or even men involved with married women). It’s not my place to judge them. When asked my opinion, I give it…honestly. If you’ve noticed, I don’t encourage dating a man someone knows is married. I will continue to do this as long as I can.

  2. Thank you for posting this blog!!!!!!!! Is it possible to email you? I am in a situation with a MM and Don’t have any support.

  3. This made me laugh. There is no such thing as “an actual relationship” with the other woman. This idea is a huge part of the delusional fantasy that is an affair. A real relationship requires the participation of people who are actually available, and who are committed to honesty and to each other- and no one else. Period.

    • Sure there is, Kate. What my guy and I have is a relationship. In everyone’s eyes, we are a couple. It may be hard for you to understand, but sometimes, this happens.

  4. I too would love the opportunity to email you privately without posting my MM/OW details on a public blog. I was not looking for a MM but it just happened and 6 years later here we are.

  5. OW, I am not sure this is the right book for you to write.

    When you first found out he was married, didn’t his wife call to tell you someone was coming to your house to take pictures of his car? That sounds like she was suspicious.

    Also you hang out with his extended family so it sounds like they know.

    My guess is that his wife (Main Woman) found out. Either he convinced her it was nothing or he told her it’s just sex – if he is telling the truth about her not wanting sex I think the second one might be it.

    • Black Iris…

      The call from his wife was not random. People were at my house looking at his classic car. My son saw them and asked what they were doing. Those people called him and his wife. My guy was at work, so this friend told his wife to call me to explain what was happening and why they were there.

      Of course his family knows about me. DUH! We are invited there as a couple…not as “the sleaze-bag and his whore”.

      Dear…if his wife (yeah…right “main woman”! LOL!) “found out”, no matter what the reason he may have given, she would have put a stop to it. As I’ve said, she has to know, but doesn’t want to chance losing her maintenance man.

      You need to stop generalizing. What you are saying is true in some cases, but there are some cases, like mine, where there is more than sex (which you keep implying is what keeps him coming to me).

      Right now, I’m finding you very boring. I guess you like putting your own little twists on other people’s lives because that’s what you’re doing here. Get over it. It has nothing to do with you.

      • OW, I am not generalizing, I am going by what you say on your blog. The main problem the husband in your story seems to have with his wife is that she stopped wanting sex. He could be lying to you about that (he – not any other guy – lies to his wife and kids, neglects the daughter he says he cares about, and breaks his promises to his wife – his personal actions show that he is not trustworthy and is willing to lie to get the situation he wants – his wife staying with him.) Anyhow if he is telling the truth and he gets ni sex at home, it seems clear to me that he got involved with you because he wanted sex.

        • Once again, Black Iris, you aren’t getting it.

          Sex is NOT the main problem in his marriage. His wife cut off ALL intimacy: hugging, kissing, cuddling, TALKING. If it was just about sex, I’m sure he wouldn’t be with me; he would make things work with what was there. If it was just about sex, he could find someone much easier to be with. In fact, if it was just about sex, he wouldn’t need to be with someone for this long…it would be a series of one night stands when he wants to get laid.

          You do realize that while sex is a part of marriage, there are other more important things between a husband and wife, right? Well…what if ALL of that were gone? What then? Whatever….think what you will. I’m not trying to change your mind, but it’s difficult not to respond when you make these generalizations and read things that aren’t there. And yes, you are generalizing.

          There’s really no reason for you to continue on here. You’re saying the same things over and over again. Just like Mrs Wife and The First Mrs, all you want to do is show your “superiority”. You’re not superior. I’m not superior. We just have different lives. You like to judge, I do not. Let’s just agree to disagree. I know what my relationship is, you do not.

          • You say: I’m not superior.

            That’s abundantly clear, OW. You aren’t, although the fact that you think you are comes thru in every single thing you post.

            You are consistently condescending to posters who point out THE TRUTH. But again, of course you’re sensitive to criticism of your ‘relationship’. You’re not going to get promoted from side piece, that’s clear after 13 years. It must be exhausting having to work to keep deluding yourself for so very, very long. :)

            Followed by: Just like Mrs Wife and The First Mrs, all you want to do is show your “superiority”.

            Since you’ve addressed me personally, I’ll respond. I am superior to YOU & ALL OW as I don’t poach other women’s men. I don’t eat anyone else’s leftovers, and my grip on reality is strong enough that I’m not deluded by a cheating man’s fatuous ‘logic’.

            Keep posting, OW. You (and your supporters) are a source of endless amusement. :) :) :)

          • The First Mrs…..

            You are superior to no one, yet you continue to judge. I pity you for your bitterness. I hope you get over it soon. I have said over and over that I’m not superior to anyone. However, I don’t stoop to the nastiness of you and your little friends who feel the need to judge all OW. Yes….I said “nastiness”. You are rude, obnoxious, judgmental and nasty in your comments. Oh…I’m sorry….was I getting “salty” there? I keep forgetting that you are the only ones who can throw insults around. My bad…..again.

            Other than that, I have nothing more to say to you. There’s no point since no matter what I say, you will classify as “defensive” or “delusional”. You also keep speaking of this “truth”, but then, you don’t know me or anyone else here, so you don’t know “the truth” in our relationships.

            Your husband cheated on you. What happened in HIS relationship with his OW is not what is happening in mine. Not every man who cheats is like your husband.

      • so if his family knows, your affair is not hidden and you don’t know how to avoid getting caught.

        And if you think his wife must know then you don’t have the key to not getting caught.

        In his wife’s defense, he may have told her something that satisfied her. Unless you have talked to her, you can not be sure what she thinks of it all.

        Looking specifically at the married man who is sleeping with you and nobody else and based on what you say in your blogs, this guy is lying to his wife because he believes that if she knew, she would divorce him and he would not be able to see his daughter who might turn against him. So he is willing to lie to someone he loved enough to marry if it makes his life more convenient. It is therefore very likely that this particular guy would lie to you to keep the situation where he can come sleep with you. You can not rely on what he says about his wife.

        • so if his family knows, your affair is not hidden and you don’t know how to avoid getting caught.

          What?!?!? The book wasn’t so I could ask how to avoid getting caught. It was to help others.

          Right now, I’m just shaking my head at your stupidity……

  6. The other reason I don’t think this is the right book for you to write is that you are doing things that will get you caught.

    1. You were on the radio. Anyone might recognize your voice and put 2 and 2 together.

    2. This blog. Blogging in general is a good way to get caught. However, you also give a lot of details that would make it easy for anyone who knows you to identify you. We know how many kids the husband has and what kind of work he does. We know about your kids and pets and the fact that you take care of their pets and vice versa. We know you live in the north and have a vacation condo. We know you work with him on weekends. And we know that his mother died and his family did not go to the funeral with him. If his wife or daughter or a friend of theirs read this blog, you will be caught.

    • Black Iris….

      Reasons why YOU need to stop spinning my posts:

      1. I was NOT “on the radio”. It hasn’t happened yet.

      2. I’m not worried about being “identified” by this blog. You may think I give ALL details about our lives, but I do not. There are many things I don’t write about. As for his mom passing away and his family (I’m assuming by “family” you mean “wife and daughter”) not going to the funeral, that is wrong. The funeral I wrote of was for his COUSIN. I’m also sure that his daughter will not be looking up sites on being the other woman, so no worries there. I also point out that the relationship I have with my guy is WAY different than most.

      • I don’t think when you are going on the radio is an important point. The important thing is that someone who is going to talk on the radio about her affair should not give advice on how to not get caught.

        Similarly, it does not matter whose funeral it was. What does matter is that anyone who lives in the area affected by Hurricane Sandy who knows a guy who owns an antique car can look through your blog to see if the details fit and then identify the guy you say you love. Then they can talk to his wife. (Yep she and their daughter are a family – married, live in the same house, share money

        • Sorry. They are his family.

          Main point – based on how much you reveal in this blog, you are not going to give good advice on not getting caught.

          • My relationship is not like most and I admit that. However, I have learned a great deal from others about the subject enough to give insight on what others may face.

        • What matters is that you will not see that you are misreading what I write and making comments based on your ignorance.

          • Rather then insult me, look at what you have written. Perhaps you left something out and you can explain it. My comments are based on what you have said here.

            I think a lot of what I am saying is hard to hear for anyone involved with a cheater, but I think you would be better off finding an honest guy.

          • Black Iris….

            I have not insulted you. Are you insulted that I point out your obvious misrepresentations of things I’ve written?

            You will never understand that people…men and women…cheat on their spouses for different reasons. Enjoy living in that bubble.

  7. I am so confused why the hell do the Mrs. come on this site and attack every thing that OW say Go away!!!! if your husband is cheating Somethings wrong with your marriage some of us dont know they are married some no like me i no and dont care i was never like this But this Guy needs Me not his wife Stop coming on the site and say stuff to Ow there are alot of us on this site that are cheating and I LOVE IT

    • Peachy…

      They have to keep coming. Don’t you realize that the more they judge and tell us that we’re “wrong”, the better they feel about the fact that their husbands cheated? They are using us as punching bags for their husbands’ other women.

      • You know if you look on other sites they tell you how to Keep your man and Marriage SO lets go on there and research it If they are looking for another women Somethings wrong there like i said Before all us other women come here to vent not fight with you people just fix your marriage and keep your man happy then you wont have to come here and type stuff So sad on the other hand my mm is setting me up in his life forever he is planting the seed and seeing his wife yesterday made me realize why he is reaching out to me Took 3 months for me to see it I got it babe i am here for you always SHe dont see what she got But i do so who is on his mind

      • Peachy and OW,
        This website, according to the house rules, is a forum for women who want information, advice or who, in general, want to discuss cheating. I really don’t understand the ongoing discussion of why a married woman would read this blog. It is as if you want to pretend that wives don’t exist. But, that only reflects the real life experience you all are in. You want to pretend that the men you cheat with don’t have wives, children and lives that you are negatively impacting. You want the wives to disappear in real life and on this blog. Sad.

        My primary goal is to inform wives who have had a cheating husband that their marriages can be restored. Rejoice Marriage Ministries is a support system that offers good, biblical teaching to all involved in an adulterous affair. The cheating spouse can reconcile with his/her wife or husband after repenting and getting right with God. The betrayed spouse must embrace forgiveness and examine what role, if any, they played in the cheating behavior. Lastly, the OW or OM does need to ask God for forgiveness and figure out what led them to be involved with someone who was not available to them. This information is greatly needed in society in general as the Divorce rate in this country is out of control.

        Also, I find the mindset of hardcore cheating women enlightening but disturbing. And, I post questions for OW to answer so that people who read her responses understand fully how she thinks. Bringing light to any darkness helps. I know someone has read what she wrote and realized that they didn’t want to be like her.

        I never wanted you to shut this website down OW as you mistakenly believed. Anyone who reads your words can intelligently evaluate what you do and how you do it.

        Peachy, sin is fun for a season. Let us know how your cheating relationship is working out for you this time next year. Most of these affairs light quickly like a match and then burn out leaving the OW used, emotionally devastated with a ruined reputation. Just saying……

        • Mrs Wife:

          House rules? There are house rules? I thought I was making them up as I went along. One of the “rules” is that there shouldn’t be any judgment of the OW, the MM or even the wife. It is not judgment to relay things that have happened in the course of a relationship. Anyone can agree or disagree, but I draw the line when it comes to bringing in religion or unsolicited “advice” to others who have written comments to my site, including those writing months ago.

          Right now, you are to the point where your comments are not opinions, nor are they contributing to a discussion…they are judgments and they need to stop. If you continue to tell me or others what we NEED to do (“ask god for forgiveness”, etc), I will stop approving your comments. What you consider as “sin” is not see as such by all. Personally, I don’t believe in “sin”. Yes, there is right and wrong and somewhere in-between. As I’ve said many times, most things in this world aren’t black or white…there are many shades of gray. Cheating is one of these gray areas. You may argue that cheating is cheating, but, I have written about the gray areas and will not repeat myself here. I’ll just say that there are times when a marriage is dead and divorce isn’t an option. In that case, if one or both parties of the marriage find someone who can make them happy, more power to them. Why be miserable forever?

          No one wants the wives to disappear, as you say. What we want is to be able to have a forum where we can “speak” openly and honestly about what is going on in our lives. As has been pointed out in the past, there are many sites for wives to complain about their cheating husbands and the other women in their lives, so why should WE be denied an area to be able to relay stories about our relationships and ask for advice that doesn’t give judgment?

          Your husband cheated on you. That is a fact. Not all men cheat for the same reason your husband cheated on you. That is ALSO a fact.

          At this point, I don’t see why you would have questions for any of us because any time someone tries to answer you honestly, you come back at that person with judgment and talk of sin. I have said this before and I am saying it again…we all know your opinion on this subject. You are not going to change your mind and we accept that. Now stop trying to change OUR lives. We will change what needs to be changed when it needs to be changed without your “help”. Agree to disagree.

        • Mrs.Wife, So have you seen the name of this website? It sure isnt the one you want to be on.this is real life things dont always go the way we want Things happen people change with time they grow away from each other every one has there own reason for doing what they do Temptation is every where i do know i will still be with him for a long long time i know he has a wife and kids i also have kids i dont want him to leave her and i told him from day one i will never never ask him or want him to leave her i know his kids he knows mine its great his wife comes to my house So we didnt light a match so this should go just fine thanks Stop trying to change people and their minds Preach to people that want to listen to you it sure is not me
          Thanks again Mrs Wife

        • Are you kidding me.This was not a match no its real life .And i will come back in 3 years 5,10 years who knows i will still be with him .I will make sure of it.He can stay with his wife i will never ask l him to leave.This is great the way it is.I will NOT be answering you again this is the last time.just get it straight we are here to talk about our lives with our men .Not to listen to you Preach there are churches for that Now be gone !!!!!

  8. We had a very close call this weekend. I am still freaking out about it. I was going to his new house for the first time and his directions were terrible. And since it is in a newer subdivision it wasn’t in Google maps. My phone died and went to a bar to charge it and there were some people that may know him… and saw his messages. OOPS

  9. OW: Enjoy living in that bubble.

    :) :):):):):) Oh, the irony …

    And Black Iris, spot on! I could add to your list of identifiers, but OW gets salty about that. She got a wild hair when I addressed her by name, denied that it was her name, “no need to drag an innocent person into this” (yup, she really said that), etc. Even went so far as to say that she’s writing the blog ‘for someone else’.

    • I never said I was writing the blog for someone else. This is mine. I’m just not the site owner. Deal with it.

        • The First Mrs….

          You have a serious problem if I and my blog are taking up so much of your time and effort. Look into fixing your issues.

          • No, OW, I just really enjoy reading your blog. Pushing 60, so clearly delusional, attacking anyone who points out that you are the INTERLOPER in the M.

            You’ve happily been the 3rd party in the M for 13 years. You’ve proven the caliber of person that you are. Keep up the good work, old girl. :) Your MM will never leave his W for you. But Keep encouraging the younger generation of slunts to follow in your footsteps.

            P.S. If you want tot try to attack me, you need to gather about 60 more i.q. points.


          • WOW. It seems that you are the one doing all the attacking here. Do you really think you can hurt me?

            Your bitterness just keeps on growing. I do hope you’re getting help for this issue because it seems like it is eating you alive. I really do pity you.

    • So funny you say bubble There are alot of those floating in the air more then ever There are t v shows about us Now a days women cant keep their man happy Dont know how my bubble floats right to my mm andboy does he catch it

      • Punctuation would make this readable. :) As it stands, you come across like a half-wit. As for your MM, check back in 3 years, when you are still the side-piece. :)

        As for the BBC show, it’s about as true to life as … The Bachelor.

        • The First Mrs….

          You are truly the rudest, most obnoxious, self-righteous bitch I have ever encountered. Perhaps you should take a step back and look within yourself. With every comment you send, the bitterness in you shines through. You love to insult me, now you are taking to insulting others.

          Peachy….I’m sorry that you have to read this, but I approved it so everyone can see how low this poor excuse for a woman is.

  10. Hello,

    I just want to say Thank you. I have been in a similar situation for the last three. Although it ended when his wife found out, we recently got back in contact. Its hard because we love each other and he, like your man doesn’t want to lose his daughter. Its nice to know that there can be happiness at the end of the road. I didn’t set out to be with a attached man. I still don’t want to be. But I love him, and every time I try to walk away I cant.

    I loved all of your blog :) xx

    • Hi, Louise!

      Thank you for reading (and enjoying!). I don’t think any of us went out to look for a married man, but, as you know, it happens.

      I hope everything works out for you!

  11. Thank you for your blog, and sharing your experiences and feelings.

    No one should pass judgment on the OW, because you never know when of if you’ll become one. I never thought I would be. And now, two and a half years later, I’m still asking myself how I got here. It wasn’t planned, sought after, or even wanted.

    It just happened.

    I’m a successful, well-educated single, professional with a great life, but now, I’m also the OW. I love him and I don’t know how to walk away from that. I want to, but how when the heart holds such power?

    The judgments passed by those whom have not experienced this type of relationship, are not nearly as harsh as the judgment I often lay upon myself.

    It is a comfort knowing there is someone who understands.

    • Hi, Priscilla…

      This is why I started this blog…so others in my situation can know that they are not alone and chat with others going through the same things. I think that most of us didn’t plan for this to happen, but it did.


  12. OW

    I feel I need to clarify that the first mrs husband did not cheat “on her”. He cheated. She has no accountability in his decision. She may have accountability to the marriage but not to the cheating.

    • No, J….it has been said by The First Mrs that she was cheated on by her husband. That is not to say it was her fault. Yes, he cheated…on her.

  13. I popped in not that long ago to see a post where it did look like you were making some positive strides forward. A plan for the future that seemed to be a healthy choice. to Paraphrase “I have a plan, and I am moving forward with it and if he wants to join me hes welcome, but otherwise.. I am not waiting for him” I though that a positive step

    Then this post happens. The book will be waste on many levels, but primarily for this reason. The OW can blow an affair out of the water, but the OW is not the weak link. The MM is.

    An affair never ever happens in a vacuum. There are always signs. Always. Once the betrayed spouse will stop believing the truth bias or their spouse gaslighting/crazymakeing, the affair will be discovered. Besides, MOST affairs thrive on illicit and risky behaviors. The thrill of almost getting caught is part of the appeal.

    Your personal experience is so far removed from the traditional affair that I doubt you have any real insights to provide a OW on how not to get caught.

    Really.. if you truly wanted to give healthy advice, it would be for an OW to spend their energy on getting out of an affair and not to avoid detection.

    • Hello, Former MM…

      Your comment shows that you still are under the assumption that EVERY affair happens the way YOUR affair happened. This is far from the truth.

      First, what you consider as “positive strides forward” is not new to me. I always knew that there was a chance that at some point, I would need to make changes in my life that would either include or exclude my relationship. Right now, I need to make decisions for me, without thinking of my relationship.

      As for the book….

      You cannot blindly comment on something that you have never read. Yes, my relationship is far different, but I have spoken with a lot of people in my time and have heard a lot of stories. Not everyone wants to get caught and not every affair thrives on risky behaviors. Like mine, there are many extra-marital relationships that happen because a marriage is truly dead yet divorce isn’t an option, so one or both parties eventually find someone they can love. Divorce may still not be an option, but the parties will non-verbally agree to look the other way, so the relationships are not the “in your face” type. Why cause even more strife in an already bad situation?

      On to your last paragraph….

      You obviously haven’t read all of my responses to comments. I do not encourage anyone to begin seeing a married person, nor do I advise anyone to stay in a relationship with a married person if the writer of the comment is miserable and doubtful of the relationship. I also never tell anyone to sit by the phone waiting for the MM/MW to call. I will give advice if asked for, but it’s not up to me to take it upon myself to tell everyone to leave their married lovers. We are all adults. I can suggest, but ultimately, the decision is on the OW or the couple to make. Once again, you are assuming that every affair is the same as yours and that it’s “unhealthy” to continue. This is also far from the truth. What is “unhealthy” is to advise someone to sit and wait for another to call while letting other life opportunities float past.

      Many affairs are about love, respect, communication and friendship. As long as the unmarried party knows to continue living his or her life, this isn’t “unhealthy”.

  14. I am sorry the choice of words seems to insinuate blame. That is all.

    The other interesting thing I am finding is that these two statements keep getting repeated.

    1) It just happened.

    There is always a series of choices, one must take ownership of, that led to the “just happened.” Everything in our lives is a result of previous choices.

    2) There is no other option

    It is through our experiences that we see “other” options. There is always other options.

  15. I have never really asserted that. For clarity I even capitalized MOST, but if I were to put a number to “MOST” would you not agree at best would be 8 in 10 if not higher.

    In the overwhelming majority of cases a MM who is willing to have an affair on his spouse has established themselves as an unworthy and unreliable partner. This should not be a relationship that should be encouraged. Under any circumstances.

    • Former MM…

      I don’t “encourage”…I never did. But, if a spouse is having an affair, for whatever reason, it’s best NOT to get caught. Let’s face it…there have always been and always will be extra-marital affairs. Whether they are “right” or “wrong” is subjective.

      • You do encourage and you do condone under the guise of not being judgmental. All affairs are wrong, because they are all based on lies. It is the lie component that defines it an affair in the first place and I don’t have to read your book to know you are condoning the lie. Its in the title after all.

        The lie can’t be maintained indefintely. It will ALWAYS come to light. Always. days, months.. years… maybe but it will come to light. Sure the betrayed will be hurt, but it is better for them to know the truth sooner rather than later. Not only is it a horrible thing to betray one who loves you.. but to take their power away from them, but not allowing them to decide their future on all the facts. That is inhumanely cruel.

        What I have seen in your posting is that you are not terribly empathetic… but lets try.

        Again.. I will assume everything you have told me is the truth. Or at the very least .. you believe it to be true. But lets assume.. your MM was lying to you. That not only did he have you.. but he had someone else on the side. (one can always make time.. and hes not with you 100% of his time). Would you rather live in the lie.. or would you rather know the truth?

        • Former MM….

          Once again, you are trying to fit ALL extra-marital affairs into the same box that YOUR affair fit into. That is not the case. Some men and women have affairs because their marriages are dead, but divorce isn’t an option for whatever reason, logical or not. I do not condone affairs, but if someone is involved in one, I am not going to judge them and tell them they are “wrong”. That isn’t up to me…it’s up to the couple to decide what is “right” or “wrong” for them considering the circumstances of the affair. I also would never tell anyone THINKING about dating a married man or woman that they should do that.

          Your question to me (put in a VERY condescending manner, BTW) really has two different answers; one from the OW and the other from the wife.

          Being the other woman and being the wife are obviously two different things. If I, as the other woman, found out that I was being lied to all along and that my guy had others on the side, I would walk. I would walk because I have been told I was his only lover and finding out differently would make me lose all trust in him. So, if a friend of mine saw my guy out with yet ANOTHER woman, I would want him or her to tell me so I could cut my losses and move on.

          Being the wife, I may not want to know. I may know on a deep down level, but actually being confronted with the affair would make me do something that I’m not ready or willing to do (throw his butt out the door) just to save face. As the wife, I may like having my house, car, vacations, a room and bed to myself, and someone to take out the garbage and do the yard work so I will turn a blind eye so as not to upset the applecart, so to speak. Don’t ask, don’t tell.

          I’m not here to convince you that ALL affairs happen for the “right” reasons and you’re not going to convince me that MY situation is the same as yours. Everyone is different. Every affair is different (or, at least the REASONS for the affairs are different).

  16. OW

    1) I am just curious what belief do you hold that you convince yourself you are not aiding and abedding and even encouraging affairs by writing the book?

    2) Do you believe in the saying “what you don’t know doesn’t hurt you?”

    • Hi, J…

      FYI…it’s “aiding and abetting” (unless you were going for a pun).

      While I never encourage anyone to enter into an affair, like it or not, they DO happen. They happen for many reasons. Most times, when there is a long-term affair/relationship, the wife or husband knows that the spouse is seeing someone, but chooses to look the other way for whatever reason. Maybe it’s to save face or just not to rock the boat and chance losing the lifestyle they are used to. Even though it is “known”, by bringing the affair/relationship in the open for everyone to see forces decisions that either party may not be ready to make. So, it’s best NOT to get caught.

  17. You caught my joke … Haha. Thanks for the response.

    I was just wondering because your view is very similar to the owner of Ashley Madison.

    I find this all very interesting because just like affairs are not going to stop. Neither is judgement of the OW or the WS.

  18. I just wanted to say first that I have read all yours posts that you have listed. In reading them, I do not blame you for being the other woman bc it was not your choice to be one. I however do blame your man for marrying and remaining in a relationship with a woman who he doesn’t appear to have a healthy relationship anyway (bar relationships are not a good start). I’m a HUGE advocate of taking things slow the way you did as I was with my boyfriend for 7 years before he became my husband (I wanted to earn 2 degrees and have a nice wedding.)

    I agree divorces can be nasty (I say this after 4 custody battles bc my ex wants custody so he can get child support from me as he doesn’t work), but sometimes it sucks to make choices. His wife, being the piece of work she sounds like, will take him for everything he has and will ensure that he is considered an unfit father bc of adultery and the large amount of time he spends with you and not at home. Fair? Not really. Realistic? Absolutely! It also won’t help when his wife makes sure his daughter knows that their marriage has ended “because of you” and she becomes resentful (obviously not your fault bc you aren’t responsible for his choices)

    From your posts it appears you are providing what the wife won’t, but it appears you are not willing to accept things as they are bc you want change. I wish you the best and hopes he makes the right choice.

    As a side note for all the “bitter wives, ex-wives, haters” I have a couple tips. 1. Unless your spouse is a complete scumbag (i.e. abuse, serial cheating, etc.), blame the SPOUSE and YOURSELF for your marital problems. You both took vows and need to deal with them like adults.
    2. My boyfriend, now husband, and I agreed that if either one of us felt the need to cheat that we would talk to each other about it. (my husband brought this up to me twice when we were dating, but didn’t end up cheating either time). which leads me to point #3. If you can’t communicate that openly with your SO, then don’t blame the other woman if your spouse strays.

    • Hi, Yenta….

      I really feel that the “fault” lies with everyone involved: His wife for emotionally abandoning him, him for knowing that he was married but rather than opt for the divorce, chose to stay under the misconception that it was “best for the child” and me for continuing the relationship with him even after I found out he was married. It was my choice to make the decision to either stay or go once his marriage was brought out in the open. I chose to stay. So….if there is “fault” to be doled out, it’s really on all of us.

      Many of us have made mistakes when it comes to choosing spouses. I know I did. I often look back and wonder what could have been if I just didn’t give my ex my phone number that night. But then I think, “If I didn’t give him my number, would I have the kids that I have now?” The same with my guy. If he didn’t marry the woman he married, would he have the child HE has now? Everything happens for a reason. We make mistakes and we learn from them (hopefully). We also all handle our mistakes differently.

      While I’m happy in my relationship, things are happening in my life (that have nothing to do with my guy or our relationship) that are forcing me to consider a change. Nothing has been decided, but when the time does come, I need to do what’s best for me and keep my guy out of the equation.

      But, life goes on. We’ll see what the future holds and take it one step at a time.


  19. Its amazing its like i am in a trance.Is it the attention, the way he talks to me ,the way he looks at me that hes always there ?That makes me want it more who knows?I am sure all of us have these feelings that make us feel Alive.wanted. like a woman should feel why dont husband do that? Who knows what goes threw their minds.Why dont my mm wife act the way she does?Why is so self centered she can not see what he needs But i can Why ? All i know is i love the way he makes me feel so i return it. The bitter wives and haters had it done to them and still will never change for their man. That is why there will always be affairs and the good woman who are called the” other woman” will always be there for these guys

    • Peachy…

      You “sound” very happy! Just remember…let him take it at his pace. He respects you too much to rush things.

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