Is the Other Woman the “Bad Guy”?

I hear from a lot of OW.  The stories are all different, but the essentially the same; we fell in love with married men.

One of the things that most of us has done is to try to get our married lovers to look at their marriages and see if they can make them work again.  Obviously, I can only relay my experience with this, but I know I’m not the only one.  If you’re with a married man, before you’re too involved, it helps to have him try anything he needs to in order to work on his marriage.  If it’s done in the early stages of your affair, you’ll hurt, but it won’t be as bad as if it were to happen after years into it.

When I first found out that my guy was married, we had a long discussion about his marriage and what went wrong.  He was very uncomfortable talking to me about it at first, I think because he felt that I would be overly upset, but we did talk it out.

He met his wife when he was at his night job as a bartender at a local rock bar.   He was working one Friday night and she walked in with a couple of friends.  She stayed until closing and waited for him to finish his clean up, then invited him out to breakfast.  He didn’t go because he worked all day, then was at the bar all night, so he just wanted to get home.  She showed up the next weekend, but on a Saturday night.  After a few m0nths of this, she went home with him and never left.  They lived together for a year, got married and a year after that had a baby.  Once their daughter was born, he said it all changed.

He worked long hours during the week, then at the bar every Wednesday and all weekend, so they never really “dated”.  Their dating consisted of her sitting at the bar while he served beer and shots.   They really had nothing in common except partying.  Not a very substantial basis for a relationship, but, I guess they didn’t realize it at the time.  As for sex, he said it was never a huge priority for either of them.  He was exhausted from work and she accepted that because, I guess everyone has that assumption that if you’re living together, if you don’t have sex one night, you could make up for it the next.

Another thing that should have been a red flag was that his family couldn’t stand her.  His parents, though divorced for years, got together with him one night and tried to talk him out of marrying her.  He didn’t listen.  Shortly after their daughter was born, his mom got very ill and had to be put into a nursing home.  My guy would go see her every day right after work.  His wife refused to go and refused to allow him to bring their daughter.  She agreed to bring the child to the nursing home when it was clear that grandma didn’t have long to live, however, she wouldn’t to to her room and she wouldn’t let him bring the daughter to grandma’s room.  Grandma had to be put in a wheelchair and brought down to the lobby, where she was allowed 5 minutes to see a granddaughter that she had only seen a few times previously.

As for sex…that stopped once the baby was born.  My man’s wife told him that she no longer had any sexual urge, yet she wouldn’t do anything to “fix” it.  Not only did she not want sex, she stopped wanting any physical contact, including hugs and kisses.  If he came up behind her and kissed her neck, she would push him away and tell him not to do that in front of the baby.  He got tired of being shot down, so he eventually stopped touching her.

As his daughter got to be around school age, he realized that the school system in the town they were in wasn’t very good, so he bought a house about an hour away.  He wanted his daughter to have a yard to play in and a school where she could actually learn without worrying about all the fights that were going on in his old school district.  By this time, he and I were already a couple.  Did it upset me that he was buying a house for his wife?  Absolutely!!!!   In fact, I almost ended it when he told me they were moving.

Almost ended it.  What I did instead was ask him if there was any chance that he and his wife could work things out.  He told me that a few years earlier, before me, he tried to spice things up by buying his wife some lingerie.  She wouldn’t wear it, but she told him that if he ever got her a house, she would wear it and give him a night to remember.  I suggested that he go home and take out that lingerie.  I told him that if he didn’t see me the next day, I would know that it worked and things were going to be all right in the marriage.

The next day, he came to me.  He went home the night before, and laid out the lingerie on the bed while his wife was in the shower.  He then went downstairs to give her time to dry off and get all dolled up.  A half hour later, he went to the bedroom.  She had thrown the lingerie in the trash and put on an old ratty t-shirt.  When he asked why she threw the lingerie away, she told him that she never wanted to see it again and that he should find another room to sleep in because she didn’t want him near her.

I was prepared for the worst.  I never expected him to come to me that next day.  I thought that after a few years of living in a sexless marriage, that part of it would take time, but  I know how loving he is and couldn’t imagine his wife not wanting him to at least hold her.  When he saw me, he just held me for a while and thanked me for trying, but he was never going to have a real marriage again.  In fact, he didn’t think he ever had a real marriage.  Like me, they married for all the wrong reasons.  It  happens.

After that, I stopped feeling those little pangs of guilt about being with a married man.  She threw him away, so he was fair game.

 

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42 thoughts on “Is the Other Woman the “Bad Guy”?

  1. i’ve recently fallen for a married man. i’m glad i’ve found you. i’m learning to deal with my feelings of guilt and selfishness from reading your experiences. i don’t know where my relationship will go, but i realize i am not necessarily the bad person i’ve been feeling like.

    thank you

  2. I love this blog and this will in no way be a negative comment. I met my now husband, when he was married. It was a horrible marriage with no sex, kindness or heart. He was a broken man when I met him, but all it took was one weekend and we were in love, three weeks later he asked for a divorce. I will say it hasn’t been a picnic by no means since the divorce. We pay an insane amount of child support ($980) for one child and shortly after he asked for a divorce I found out I was pregnant with our son. I thought he was going to leave me for a short while because of the long distance between our homes, the thought of not being able to see his daughter and the financial strain the divorce was putting on him and our relationship. Shortly after the divorce was finalized five months later he was called up for a tour over seas for 13 long months, where he missed the birth of our son. Being the other women has never been easy, during the deployment I felt as if our family was put on the back burner by his family for fear or losing visitation rights to his daughter( and yes his wife would do this) although we were engaged at the time. When he came home for R & R we were married and shortly after that he came home for good, and everything has fallen into place and everything that we went through to be together was worth it because this man is everything. Most women want to bash the other man, once a cheater always a cheater…..but I found a man, although married, that a wife didn’t want nor appreciate anymore. Sometimes when men cheat there is a gray area, I wasn’t looking for a married man nor do I pry upon him but many of people spend way to long in failing unhappy marriages and if his wife was truly honest with herself she was most likely unhappy too. But, I am very happy and couldn’t ask for a better husband, he is my best friend my everything.

  3. Again, I will say I am completely confused as to why the MM I’m seeing or shall I say was seeing(because I don’t know what’s going on right now) would try so hard in a relationship where the other person is so indifferent. That I beleive is the worst. Love me or hate me, but the indifference is a killer. She has spent thousands of dollars on herself and HER grown children(from a previous marriage). Money that should have been saved or used for things for the home or his business. He rarely gives money to his own grown children(from a previous marriage). They are severely in debt because of her spending habits that aren’t even discussed with him. This is money that he earns, because he is the source of all the household bills. She never wants sex or affection from him. I think she does it every once in a while to throw him a bone so to speak. I spoke to him several times about how they met, and it was a matter of neither of them wanting to be alone. Is that a guess, maybe, but I’ve seen so many people “pair up” and stay with people for the sake of just not being alone. Settling for anything, so someone else will just be there. It’s never been passionate between them. Isn’t that sad? She is using him and I’m wondering why he can’t see that. I once asked him if he was afraid,afraid of her, afraid of me, of what could happen. I think that is a big concern for him and I don’t know how to help. It’s at the point where I think I need to just let it go. I mean does he think she just going to jump up one day and say, I’m sorry, I love you, and they will have this wonderful marriage all of a sudden. He has tried talking to her several times and its been on deaf ears. This past weekend she spent all Sat and Sun doing thing with friends and ignored him. Probably because he told her he wanted to talk about things this past weekend. I know I love him, but is loving him enough? As for the guilt like you I left that behind. If a spouse can’t or won’t treat their partner with love what makes them think they deserve it?

    • If a married man is sleeping with you, he is not treating his wife with the love she deserves. It will hurt the marriage and he will get less and eventually lose his family.

      Thee are two sides to every story and you do not know hers. All you know is that he wants to stay married to her and have fun and sex with you.

      • If a married man is sleeping with you, he is not treating his wife with the love she deserves. It will hurt the marriage and he will get less and eventually lose his family.

        Really? And what about the love she denied HIM before he realized the marriage was dead?

        And…once again, you seem to think my relationship with him is all about “fun and sex”. It’s not. It goes way deeper than that.

  4. I’m married and so is he. We’ve been knowing each other for years without any contact other than friendship. I’ve been married for 14yrs been with my husband for 20. He’s been with his wife for 20 been married for 5. the norm is for a husband to be begging his wife for “quality time” and affection. But I am the one begging. We never go out or sit and have a conversation. Our sex life has been cut down to once a month. Yet i still cook, clean take care of the children handle the house hold problems and his too. I wear many hats I have been begging to save our marriage. His mouth says what he will do but his actions do nothing. As for my “man” I was shocked when they got married. Wondering are they serious. Either he was cheating or at least that is what was said. But I know she was. Later he admitted he did to me. I know she was saying No on a regular basis because she discussed allowed at girls night out before they got married, but they have a twin boys. Now 18 about to graduate. The year she put him out I was really going thru. My husband hadnt touched me for months. Don’t get me wrong he is an excellent provider. I never have to worry about food, clothing or shelter. Why am I cheating because I also work hard enough to provide those same things but I still make time to give him more. He has never asked or wanted anything I have always taken care of business. When it comes to me I always have to ask, beg or plead. We started as someone to talk to or the pleasure of a mans company no sex. Although, I was “hungry” for him. I didn’t want to cheat. about 4 months in I decided to call it off. I started developing feelings, But I didn’t want to leave without a proper good bye. It was fantastic. One year later although he says he loves me. He moved back home. She said she would change but she wouldn’t show him until he came home. I thought my heart was just ripped from my body. So I decided to go to marriage counseling with my husband. Three months after he was home he was calling. Things hadn’t changed He wanted to see me I wanted to see him. Nine months of counseling with my husband and things are still the same we are still have sex once a month. My “Man and I go out on a regular basis have sex 3/4 times a week. We just got back from a weekend get away. He says when his sons graduate he’s leaving. My husband and I don’t argue fuss or fight. I know he loves me and he just doesn’t know how to show me. I tried teaching him but he says I nagging just let things be. We have a daughter 11. But feel if I stay I will be spending the rest of my life with the basics. I love my man. I know he loves me he proves it,but he has run back to her before. Wondering if I should take a chance or stay in a loveless marriage.

    • Like your husband, mine seemed not interested in sex at all. If I tried to initiate it, he would tell me that turned him off and I should wait for HIM to initiate. That rarely happened. It got to the point where he would come home from work, sit down in front of the TV with a 6-pack of beer and that was it. I refused to live like that, so, when my kids were 2 and 4, I asked for a divorce. It was the right thing to do at the time and 27 years later, I know it was right. It was hard, but I got through it all.

      People stay together for many reasons. They do what they have to do to take care of their kids. Besides, you never know how the spouse will take the news of wanting a divorce. Too many things to go wrong and nobody wants to be a sad story on the 6:00 news. Bitterness plays a role in refusing visitation. As for taking a chance….only you could decide. It worked for me and my kids were way younger than yours. It wasn’t easy. I had to go back to work after being a stay at home wife for 6 years. Daycare was expensive. But for me, it was all worth it. I looked at it as having 2 kids to take care of instead of 3 (since my husband was kind of like a third child). It also helped that my ex did nothing to help with the kids. Never was there for a feeding, or doctor’s appointment. Never gave them baths or changed a diaper. Never even went to the park with us. Since I was doing it all alone anyway, it was easy to leave.

      If you’re going to take a chance and leave, you can’t do it on the off chance that you will be with your MM. You need to do it for YOU, with the understanding that you will be doing it alone. If he comes with you, good. If not, you will be prepared to deal with things on your own. Good luck!

  5. I have been in love with a married man for 3 years now…He is my lover and friend. I am glad we found each other. Not sure how long we wll last in our relationship but I will always be glad we found each other…Thanks for the blogs…it helps to know I am not alone in loving a married man

  6. Thank you for this. I feel so alone in my situation. I am so madly in love with my MM…. I have so much to say but also nothing at the same time. I just feel so alone… its one of those weekend… the love of your life is gone & there is nothing you can do but wait patiently for him to return… Other woman, I thank you for understand. I wish we could talk more privately. Even though I have great supportive friend… they do not understand the pain I feel being so in love with someone I cant have 100%. I would just love someone to talk too…

    • The only thing I can tell you is that on weekends/days when you know you’ll be alone, make plans to be with friends. Go to the movies, out to dinner….anything to help get your mind off of your MM for a little while.

      I have a lot time with my MM. In fact, he left here about 1/2 hour ago and we just got off the phone (we talk whenever he’s driving here or home…with a headset, of course). Now, I get to catch up on some work that I have left from earlier. In the years that we’ve been together, I’ve been through a wide range of emotions. Now, after 10 years, I actually embrace my alone time. I’m an avid reader, so I take time to read at least a few chapters of whatever book I’m on at the time. I take walks. I clean up around the house. I’m also a chronic insomniac, so there are times when I’ll just take a nap. You see…the trick is not to wait for your guy to return. Keep busy!

      There was a time when I waited for my guy. That didn’t last too long. I realized that I was wasting MY life waiting for him, so, I started making my own plans. It didn’t take long for him to realize that I wasn’t going to be available to him no matter when he decided to show up. That was before we got him a phone on my family plan. I never thought he was a “phone guy”, but since he has this phone, he calls every chance he gets. One thing I will never do again is sit and wait.

      Just know that you’re not alone in your situation. There are many of us. If ever you feel like venting, you know where to do it! :-)

    • hisbestfriend, TRUST ME, you are not alone. I’ve had times where I feel extremely lonely because my MM is at home with his family, and thats time that I’m missing out on. But then when I see him again, the way he looks at me lets me know he always there (even when he’s not physically there). There’s something in a persons eyes that let you know you’re safe. I try to look at our time apart as a time for me to have some “me time”…im 24, a single mother to a 2 year old from a previous relationship, I work fulltime, and im also a fulltime student…so needless to say im always busy….it helps to cope with the “loneliness”…i completely understand you wanting moral support…we all need it from time to time :)

    • There are times when I feel a little left out, like when his daughter has some kind of school or other extra-curricular event. These are things I’d like to share with him, but can’t. I’ve learned to live with it because I know that right now, meeting her isn’t possible. It gets better.

  7. Jus a question… If all these married men are so in love with all of you women who are posting and replying, how come they’re not with you %100? Why are they still with their boring, sexless, careless, heartless wives for so long and you all sit and wait for them to sneak around to be with you? Is your self esteem so low that you don’t find yourselves worthy of NOT being a mistress? Do you enjoy being the mistress and don’t want them to leave their wife? I just cannot understand how a woman would allow herself to be put in such a position. First off, everyone knows men lie, especially married men who are cheating. It would be almost impossible to find one who says his wife is amazing, sex life is amazing and they are so happy together but still wants to cheat. Of course they will say how horrible their wife is, how she doesn’t care about him, doesn’t give him sex, doesn’t blah blah blah, you are all the idiots who believe them for years and years thinking he loves you. They are married to and stay with the ones they love. I’m sure many of you are beautiful and well educated, yet no matter what efforts you’ve made, you have yet to defeat the strength of a marriage and most likely never will.

    • First of all, you obviously haven’t read all of the posts. True, there are some men out there who will lie just to get sex no matter how their sex life is at home. However, not all of them are like that. I can only speak for myself here, so I will try to explain the situation to you.

      When there are children involved, divorce may not be an option. I know for a fact that my man’s wife has told him that she would make it difficult, if not impossible, for him to see his daughter if he ever left her. Is he the one who told me this? No. One of his cousins was visiting him on his daughter’s birthday and saw firsthand how his wife belittled him in front of everyone. She pulled his wife off to the side and tried to have a “heart to heart” with her. She tried to tell his wife that screaming at him and calling him “worthless” in front of the child was NOT the way to act. His wife told her that if she, he or anyone else didn’t like how she treated him, all were free to leave, but if HE left, he would not be seeing his daughter. Apparently, it makes her feel good to make others feel bad. By the way…his wife did not invite any of his family to the child’s party. She called knowing that it was his daughter’s birthday and asked when she could bring a present. My man told her to stop by for the party.

      As for not being with me 100%…He’s with me around 85%. When he’s not with me, he’s spending time with his daughter. His daughter needs to know that she can depend on him. Should I be faulted for accepting that?

      Also, if you have read all of my posts, you will see that my man does NOT talk badly about his wife. We talk about other things. She is not usually a topic of our conversation. She’s just his “housemate”. The only time HE says anything negative about her is when I see that he’s upset about something and ask him about it. And, no….I don’t start the conversation with “What did she do THIS time?”. The one thing I admire him for is that he doesn’t play her game of badmouthing her to their child or anyone else. No matter what, she IS the mother of his child. If I hear anything negative about her, it’s from his family. I don’t ask about her…they volunteer the information. One day, we were with his sister. Her and I were watching a dumb TV show and were laughing and generally making rude comments about the people on the show. He walked in the room and she said, “You know, I hate your wife. I couldn’t even imagine sitting here like this with her.”

      I am not JUST a mistress. I’m his partner. It’s not about sex. We have fun together. We actually enjoy each others company. We do what any married couple does together except for the fact that he doesn’t live with me. As for staying with the one he loves, you’re absolutely correct; he’s staying with his daughter.

      I’ve been divorced for a lot of years. I understand that sometimes, people get married for all the wrong reasons…it happened to me. This is what happened to him. Does that make him a bad person? No. It makes him human. We all make mistakes. Should he make that mistake even bigger by leaving and chance that his daughter will be kept from him? What you don’t understand is that there is no “strength” in his marriage. The strength is the love he has for his daughter. I don’t want to “defeat” that. I won’t even try.

      You’re working on the premise that every affair is the same and that it’s all black and white. It isn’t. Most married people don’t wake up one day and say to themselves, “I think I’ll find someone to screw today.” The decision to have an affair, for many husbands and wives, is usually a difficult one. They don’t take it lightly. You need to understand that most of us OW also don’t take it lightly. We all go through guilt and we’ve all had our doubts. The one thing I can tell you is that after 10 years, I’m not being lied to about his home situation. If he wanted to lie, he would be telling me how horrible his wife is every chance he got.

      One more thing: Do you honestly believe that if a marriage is a really good and strong one, anyone could make a husband (or wife) cheat? I don’t think they could…at least not without a lot of alcohol involved.

  8. You may have it differently than other woman who are mistresses and are happy with this situation, which if it’s accurate, is a rare one. I would like to say, if he loves his daughter so much that he can’t bear to leave his evil wife, what does he hope to teach her as a role model? That she should stay in an unhappy marriage and have someone on the side? That mommy and daddy are just going through life as roommates for the sake of the children? Do you actually think she won’t find out about you, or I she knows already, what is the purpose of staying married? His wife can threathen all she wants, doesn’t mean it will actually happen, there are courts that decide visitation, as I’m sure you’re aware. You keep saying that so and so said this about his wife but I still find it hard to believe that if his marriage was so horrible and she is so evil that SHE would want to stay in it. Why does she stay, assuming she knows about you, what is she getting out of it? Also, I’m not sure I get the whole point of your blog. Are you trying to encourage other women to be mistresses by giving support and tips or are you trying to convince yourself that the whole situation you’re in is ok by telling the world how much he loves you, how you are partners and friends, how you are so brainwashed to believe that he can’t leave his wife because of the damage it will cause his daughter or she will take her away? As an outsider reading your posts, you seem like an intelligent, confident woman, yet you allow yourself and even seem to love being in this situation. You’re not a young woman who like the attention.

    • Let’s first address the “Court” situation. Yes, there are courts and Judges who sign the visitation orders, but there’s no guarantee that either party will abide by those orders. It’s a vicious cycle…go to court, visitation granted, visitation withheld, back to court, visitation granted, visitation withheld, go to court….The only ones making out in all that are the attorneys.

      Now, his wife isn’t “evil”….she has some issues, but I wouldn’t call her evil. She obviously no longer cares about him or the marriage. What does she get out of it? She gets a house, a car, bills being paid, she works when and if she wants to, she gets a free vacation every year, she gets the yard work done, she gets her clothes paid for and she has health insurance. She basically can do what she wants. She has some perks. As for her not wanting to stay in this marriage, why wouldn’t she?

      My MM and I have had many talks about his daughter and how this is affecting her. I’ve told him that it’s not right that she grows up thinking that it’s “normal” for married people to sleep in separate rooms or that a husband should be away from home a lot, or that married people don’t show each other affection. The thing is, I’m not going to tell him how to raise his daughter. If he asks my opinion on something, I’ll give it, but it’s not my place to tell him what to do with his marriage. That is, and should be, between him and his wife. I’m in no way “brainwashed” into believing anything. I know what can go wrong in a divorce situation, I also know how screwed up a kid can be seeing his or her parents not getting along. As I’ve said, I can only give him my opinions and suggestions. Nothing more.

      Why did I start this blog? Well, it’s a place for me to get out my frustrations. It’s also a place for others in my position to come to and see that they are not alone. Sometimes, friends aren’t supportive of this type of relationship, so many may not have anyone to talk to about their feelings. If you’ve read any of my posts, replies and comments, you would see that I in no way encourage an affair. Most of us in this situation would love to have fallen in love with a single guy, but, things happen. I don’t have to convince myself of anything. My relationship is strong and stable. We ARE partners and friends…we just don’t live together.

      At this point, I’m content with the way things are with this relationship. Do I suggest that others date married men? No. Would I ever date another married man? Hell, no! But, like I said, things happen.

  9. You don’t think that daddy having mistress is a problem or is wrong? You don’t feel it’s your place to tell him how to raise his daughter, yet you feel it’s your place to be involved in his marriage? I would think that any wife wouldn’t only want money, a house, clothes and vacation, they’d also want affection from their husband, unless she herself has a guy on the side. Does his wife know about you? If she knows and is happy with your current situation, that’s all fine and dandy. If she doesn’t know and he is with you, lying to his wife and his daughter, then he is destroying his family and you sit happily by and watch. You aren’t forced to be with a married man and neither are the other women that comment on your blog. The fact that you allowed yourself to have feelings with someone else’s husband makes you the bad guy. A self respecting woman would never allow herself to be in this type of situation, regardless of how much they love the guy. You are enabling his to do permanent, long term damage to his family. Kids are not stupid. She will eventually find out about you, especially since you hang out with his family and she will blame you on her parent’s damaged relationship.

    • I truly hope you never find yourself in a situation that you formerly thought was “morally wrong”. How well would you take the judgment of others? I have never said that anyone should go out looking for a married man to “seduce”. Sometimes, what we thought would never happen, does happen.

      I’m not involved in my man’s marriage. What I did do, in the beginning, was try to encourage him to try to make things work with his marriage. If you read ALL of my posts, you would know that. Also, as for a wife wanting some affection…she stopped all physical contact before he became involved with me. By physical contact, I don’t mean only sex. She no longer wanted him to touch her in any way; not even to give her a hug or hold her hand. Before you respond by saying, “Yeah…that’s what HE tells you”, it’s not what he tells me. My man is with me so often that his wife must know he has someone, but, again, I’m not one to rub things in her face. There’s no need for me to call her and introduce myself as her husband’s lover. As for “sitting happily by” watching his marriage fall apart…I don’t find any happiness in the problems of others. Do I feel sorry for his wife? No. Her marriage fell apart before I came along because she decided she no longer wanted him. If she has someone on the side, then I’m glad that she’s able to find some happiness with someone. But, if that’s the case, that’s something they need to straighten out and decide what would be the next, best move for them and their daughter.

      His daughter will not find out about me from my man’s relatives. How can I be sure of this? Because his wife will not allow him to bring his daughter anywhere near his relatives. Again, if you read the posts, you will see this.

      When and if his daughter learns about our relationship, she is free to make up her mind about me either way. Would I like a relationship with her? Yes, I would. But that’s not possible right now. As for blaming me for damaging her parents’ marriage…that’s up to her to decide, but he and I both know that the marriage was “damaged” long before me.

      You don’t seem to realize that sometimes, people get together and marry for the wrong reasons. It happened to me. I chose to leave the marriage even though my kids were very young. His upbringing was far different than mine and because of that, he chooses to stay in his marriage.

      No one is “forced” into anything, but we all were put in the same situation for a variety of reasons. You have the right to your opinion. I’m sorry if your husband cheated on you, but that doesn’t give you the right to judge everyone else. It’s so much easier to judge and call others “wrong” than it is to look within and see what is lacking in ourselves. Some marriages are ruined by affairs, while others get stronger after the affair is discovered. It depends on how much the couple values their marriage. But, if it makes you feel better to call all OW “the bad guy”, go for it. I’m a big girl. Also, you don’t know me or any of these other OW, which pretty much makes your opinion of us insignificant. The people who matter to me know the REAL me. It’s their opinions that matter. Not all agree with my relationship, but none of them judge and they accept us as a couple.

  10. Let me say that first and foremost, my husband has never cheated on me, not because lack of opportunity, but because he loves me and our life. So, you MM’s wife doesn’t know about you. Interesting. I wonder if she did, would your man still be around? If she knew for a fact about you, would he choose her, who he supposedly has no feelings for, doesn’t touch and is pretty much his roommate, or you. I am judging you and all women like you. Again, I will say that any women who allows herself to become involved with a married man is one who has very loose morals. Yes, it is a fact. If you were women with morals, you wouldnt even put yourself in a situation where you might develop feelings for a MM, or if you found yourself in the position that you have feelings, you would break all contact with him until he is no longer married. Period. I will never be in such a situation as yours because I would never do or say anything to another man that couldn’t be said in front of my husband. I safeguard my marriage. You are so blinded by the bullshit that he has fed you over the years that you believe him when he says all those things about his wife, yet you have no idea how it really is when they are home alone, without you. ‘Your’ man is one smart man to have you so utterly and completely trusting in that all he says is in fact true. He’s the epitome of someone who is having his cake and eating it to! Even if it were true, the whole relationship he has with his family, based on your posts, makes him sound real nice and sweet to you but pretty much a complete asshole otherwise. Have fun in your “relationship” and your role as the other woman, because it seems that that’s all you’ll ever be to this man, regardless of the little fog you live in.

    • I approved this comment because of my policy to not “edit out” negative comments. This will be my last reply to “Awife” since it’s obvious that she has issues with being “holier than thou”. It must be tough living that highly “moral life” where you are always doing the right thing, which, of course, gives permission to judge others.

      I have found that anyone this closed minded about any situation they find “immoral” isn’t worth debating. The going around in circles is dizzying. This is a pure example of not acknowledging the areas of grey in life.

  11. Completely up to you if you choose not to reply but I have a sneaking suspicion it’s because I hit the nail on the head. I am not in any way closes minded and if you feel that not being a person who supports infidelity makes me closed minded, that’s fine. I just hope that other women who are in your same situation would read and hopefully get more self respect and not continue a relationship with a man that is married. My husband is Muslim, we live in a country where men can have 4 wives. It is very common here for men to have more than one wife. I see the effects this has on the wives as well as the children on a daily basis. It is extremely rare to find any women here who are happy when their husband takes another wive. So no, I am not close minded and not seeing the shades of grey. In a marriage there are no shades if you are married to someone who is honest and you can trust, which obviously isn’t the type of guy you have. You have no idea what effects your relationship have on his marriage and child besides what he tells you, no matter how hard you try to convince yourself otherwise. This is my last comment on this post. A bit of advice though, try to get out of the fog you’re in and see things how they should be seen, try looking at your relationship from the outside. Try to gain perspective.

    • Gotta love when people who are clueless pretend to know what’s in another person’s heart and mind. Seriously….no comment. Goodnight, Gracie.

      • Wow. I just read all of the horrible comments from “Awife” and I just had to defend you OtherWoman. I say this from experience but, Awife must have gotten cheated on, or suspects her husband is cheating now because how else would she have found this website? I went to Google and SPECIFICALLY typed in “the other woman” and found this site. It doesn’t just pop up when you’re looking for “Holier than Thou” websites…lol. But I do feel sorry for Awife because it’s awful anytime that someone gets hurt. I have been cheated on in the past, so I know how it feels. But one thing I never did was blame the OW…afterall she didn’t force any of my previous bfs to cheat. They made that decision themselves. Any woman who feels the need to put another woman’s life down, obviously has issues in her own life. Its called “deflective behavior”…one day though she’ll see the light. My real question is, if her marriage was so “loving, honest, passionate, etc etc, blah blah”, then why is she dedicating SOOOO much of her life to arguing with a woman via a website, just to prove a point?? I personally think she’s trying to convince herself of something. More power to her though. But I have to tell you Other Woman…your blogs have given me perspective into my relationship with my MM. Its been my support system, and I’m grateful for what you write. Im just glad you don’t let low-life, insecure “wives” discourage you from writing. You have no idea how many people you’re helping by just writing about you’re feelings :)

  12. Just wanted to say thank you to OT and kusse4. I recently fell for a MM and while we both have children, I refuse to get in the way of him being with his kids. As a mother and former wife, I know that if I can give him the backset to my children, I should expect the same from him. I dont see it as I have to be his world, I see it as parent first, lover later. He says he knows his wife has been cheating on him, and while he has cheated on her in the past, they both have their faults. I never planned to fall in love with him, especially being the anti-love person I am. it just happened. He is not rich or GQ’s man of the year, but he is everything I’ve wanted in a companion. A male version of me. While our relationship is is best described as a once in a blue moon, I appreciate every bit of person he is. Something I can say his wife does not. I pity her actually because I have encouraged him to try to work things out with her. If she cant appreciate the person he is, sorry for her but I do. I dont expect (ive actually refused on many occasions) money, gifts, dinners from him so everyone can forget the gold digger clause. We actually enjoy laying on the couch watching the fight or walking in the park. Anyways, thank you ladies. I know Im not alone in this situation and i hope AWIFE can understand that we all do not live in the 1950′s. This is the real world and while not all of us have the white picket fence dream, we are all allowed to be happy.

    • People usually see the OW as the slut who can’t get a man of her own, so she goes after married men. Or, we’re just after their money. Obviously, that’s not true. Like many of us, I never thought I’d be in this situation, but, it happened. His life, her life and my life took some turns and we ended up where we are now. Sometimes, marriages don’t work. When that happens, the couple makes a decision that may not be “understandable” to everyone, like staying together for the kids. When my marriage didn’t work, I chose to leave. That was right for me, but do I have the right to condemn my man for NOT ending his marriage?

      I’ve tried to make him see the harm staying in his marriage can do to his daughter. Not so much the staying part, but the staying where his daughter sees an unhealthy relationship between her parents. This girl has no idea what a healthy relationship is. I feel sorry for her for that because I know what that’s like.

      As for “AWIFE”….I seriously do think that her husband is not the committed, wonderful man she claims to be. If he was, as one reader pointed out, why was she looking for a site on the OW? Just sayin’….. Some women need to lash out. I’m tough…I can take it.

  13. Wow, I was “AWIFE” about 6 years ago. I was perched atop my “fabulous” marriage proclaiming to the world how wonderful and perfect my marriage and husband were and how he would NEVER cheat on me and if he did he would be out on his butt faster than he could say the word mistress. Funny, life has a way of showing you to NEVER say “NEVER”. Looking back at that time in my life, I was so busy showing everyone how perfect my life was that I didn’t pay attention to what was going on in my own home. My husband was having an affair. When I found out, I did the typical wife thing and blamed the other woman. I called her every name in the book: home wrecker, slut, pathetic…and a few more choice things that I don’t even want to type. I put some blame on my ex-husband, but said it must have been this “temptress” with low morals who came and seduced this poor unsuspecting man. HA!!! Never once did I look at the marriage itself. Never once did I take any responsibility for my part in the state of my marriage that led to my ex-husband cheating. Oh don’t get me wrong, I’m not taking any responsibility for the fact that he cheated, only for my part of a bad marriage. See, the “other woman” was the convenient tangible “item” that I could blame for the downfall of my marriage. I could completely play victim and take no responsibility for any of it. Well, once the affair ended and my ex and I were once again left in each other’s company, the issues that led to the affair were still there and yes, made worse now by the lack of trust……made WORSE and not the issue itself. I’m happy to say that we got divorced. Happy??? Yes, happy! I’m like you OT, I want my children to have a relationship with their father so we completely share custody. Why would I want to hurt my children by taking away their father? My ex and I are friends and probably get along better now than we ever have.

    Now I find myself dating a MM for about a year and a half. Did I ever think I would end up as the “other woman”? No way! But, things happen. Will this last? I don’t know. For now, I’m happy. I have the love of a wonderful man who is in a difficult situation (VERY similar to yours, OT, only a special needs child), I come and go as I please, I have my own life and I make my own choices.

    • It’s really good to hear from someone who has been on both sides: the wife who was cheated on and is now the OW. You hit the nail on the head. There are some wives who are so set on showing the world that their marriages are perfect that they don’t really pay attention to what is happening with them.

      It really is easy to blame the OW, but, really….if a marriage is strong, can any third party break that bond? I don’t think so. I still really think it’s funny that some wives consider the OW as a “temptress”. I think I’ve explained my “fashion sense”. Right now, I’m sitting here in my “dress” sweat pants and t-shirt. Why do I call them my “dress sweats”? Because they’re the only ones that aren’t ripped and can be worn out in public! Right now, it’s getting warmer outside, so the sweats will be put away and the ratty Marvin the Martian boxers will be brought out. Yep…I’m a real temptress. There’s nothing sexier than a woman in ratty boxers and over-sized t-shirt. Come and get me, fellas!!! LOL!!!

      It’s good that you could now have a civil/friendly relationship with your ex because it really is important for the kids to see their parents having a united front. Even now, when I really don’t need to talk to my ex, I still see him from time to time. I do understand the “happily divorced” status, too. I’ve been divorced 27 years and I couldn’t be happier! It’s funny though…when people find out how long we’re divorced and that neither of us has remarried, they always think that it’s because WE will be getting back together. I try to explain that we get along because he’s over 1,000 miles away from me now, but, they don’t understand. This is the one thing I KNOW I can say “NEVER” to!!!!

      You’re a great example of “life happens”. None of us wants to be in this kind of relationship, but, it happens. Just because a marriage is bad and there can’t be a way out doesn’t mean that one or both of the spouses shouldn’t find happiness elsewhere.

      Thanks for reading….thanks for writing. Good luck!!!

  14. I’m 28 and was the OW to a man 10 years my senior for 5 years. I actually read one woman’s blog about “Practical advice to the Other Woman” a few days ago b/c I was desperately seeking advice on coping with ending the relationship. When I read her post, I was in tears, feeling ashamed, embarrassed, and silly due to my involvement with a married man. I realized her post was neither “practical” or real “advice” but just a woman scorn by the situation.

    Reading your blog helps me not feel so alone to know that someone else in this world is trying to process and work through these feelings. Sometimes I feel crazy with emotions of longing for this man and wanting to never talk or see him again. Being in love with a married man has been frustrating, extreme highs and lows, and made me become someone I never wanted to be, the other woman.

    I didn’t want to be hurt or be a part of hurting his wife and family. So, I finally, finally, decided once and for all to end the relationship before she found out. He told me he loved his wife and he won’t leave his kids, but he still wanted to be friends/lovers with me. He tells me he cares and needs me. But, I couldn’t handle the relationship anymore and I didn’t want to wait for him knowing how it would end. In the past, I’ve tried ending the relationship, but I always allowed him back in my life because I loved the way he made me feel.

    It has only been a month since I told him it’s over and it has been extremely hard. I deleted my email account, deleted his number, deleted all texts, deleted all pictures, deleted my messenger account, erased everything that would remind me of him. So that I won’t be tempted to contact him. But, I can’t delete the memories and thoughts of him/us.

    I don’t hate him or feel anger towards him. I just love him, but I know I can’t. So, I decided to let go and it hurts. It feels like I have been grieving for the longest time. I just want to stop this feeling of pain, shame, and hurt. Sometimes, I feel like my heart is being ripped into shreds and I don’t know how to find the pieces. Then, I try to remember to be compassionate with myself, to give it time, to not feed this feeling, and acknowledge that I have been in love with a fantasy. I am trying to forgive myself for not only hurting others but myself. It has been a hard.

    • Under the circumstances, I think you did the right thing by ending it. I know that if my MM came to me and told me that he made a mistake, that he really did love his wife but still wanted me as a friend/lover, I would have done the same thing. I will not be a lover to someone who claims to love his wife.

      As with any relationship, a breakup takes time to get over. We have to grieve just like we would with any loss. Eventually, things do get better.

      I wish you luck and hope you find that special someone soon!

  15. Reading these posts made me feel so much better. I woke up this morning with a heavy feeling in my chest. I woke up missing him after seeing him right before sleeping. I am sad when away from him and most at ease when I’m with him. He never makes me feel like the ow…I am more included and involved in life then his w is. I never saw myself in this situation. But he truly is the best part of ny days. I have someone who looks out for my best interest. The truth is people will never know what it’s like unless in the situation. If your happy and he’s happy to be worth you the other stuff doesn’t matter. We all have fears I know I do. That one day he’s gonna wake and think he made a huge mistake with me.. but I pride myself on how well I treat him I care and lovr him the best I can…LADIES JUST LOVE YOUR HARDEST . EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT AND THINGS HAPPEN FOR A REASON LOVE is a beautiful thing no matter where with who or how you experience it

  16. It is so helpful to read these posts. Even the bitter venom of awife. Of course her perspective is out there. It’s everywhere – the tyranny of society’s expectation of marriage, despite alternatives for economic security and raising children in our current world. If mindful loving isn’t at the heart of marriage – the whole institute seems to do more harm than good. I have been in love with MM for more than a year. I am attempting to beak it off because I rarely feel like a priority. My guy had a troubled young life and is proud of being a successful provider and father (grown daughter). I think he has been married so long he doesn’t know how to see himself outside it. He still goes on vacations with wife and family friends – but texts me that he is lonely and feels like he is faking his existence. He has lived into what he thought mariage would be – and then discovered love and intimacy and tenderness outside marriage. I truly feel for him. But I want to have a healthy love relationship for myself. Not sure how long I would have to wait for him to get over the guilt and see himself as a happy man with me. Very sad.

    • I know, Thinking….

      It’s so hard when we can see from afar what they can’t see from up close. Nothing worse than being “trapped” and not seeing the way out, when the way out is right in front of you (or him). Too many people worry about what others will say if they get divorced instead of focusing on how much better their lives would be in a split.

      I’m often asked why I didn’t stay married “for the kids”. Well…because not only was I miserable, but the kids were miserable! OK…they were 2 and 4, but the minute daddy came home, they had to be quite or he would yell. Not so much at them, but at me! “Can’t you keep them quiet so I can watch the news?!?!??!” Seriously??? Did you ever try keeping a 2 and 4 year old quite for longer than 2 minutes?!?!? LOL! No….we were all better off divorced. On the other end of the spectrum, my parents stayed married for 26 years. I think my dad would have stayed in the marriage because, like your MM, he grew used to it. My mom took the bull by the horns and ran away from home, so he had no choice but to get used to it.

      Your MM probably has another dilemma: alimony! I don’t know if his wife works, but if she doesn’t, he could be stuck paying a pretty penny to keep her in the lifestyle she’s used to.

      If you know that he will never leave, then do what you feel you have to do for you. You can’t think about him when it comes to your life, especially if he’s told you he will stay married, even unhappily. Yes…it really is very sad.

      Best of luck to you. I hope you find happiness with or without him.

  17. Well, OW, in this case you are the bad guy.

    Look at it from her point of view – he is off having sex with you, spending his spare time with you and then he buys her lingerie – of course she does not want to sleep with him. What you have done with him makes reconciliation impossible.

    • Once again, you misread, or purposely “misunderstood”. My guy did not buy his wife lingerie after he started seeing me. It was bought right after their daughter was born in the hopes that it would make his wife feel sexy and wanted. She refused to even try it on at the time. She told him that she would wear it for him as soon as he bought her a house and they were moved in. When that happened, it was I who suggested that he give his marriage a fair try. She wanted nothing to do with the lingerie or him. That had nothing to do with me. She stopped wanting him a couple of years before I came into the picture.

      Gotta love the little twists you and your “little friends” (Mrs. Wife, The First Mrs, and Sad) put on things.

  18. I am seeing a married man. I am currently 7 weeks pregnant by him, my mom is not talking to me, I’ve had to change my phone number to keep his from calling to cuss me out, or to understand why I am seeing her husband. One phone call she had him in the room while on the phone with me and got us to both confess about everything we had been doing and how we felt about each other. He told her that he did care for me and love me, but wants to finally make the “right” decision in his life. Stay with his wife and co parent with me, or leave his wife and start a family with me and still be a great dad to his son. I’m confused and tired of all the drama. I want to walk away , but it’s hard, my heart keeps leading me and not my head. I really do love this man, and I know that he loves me. Right now me and him are not being imitate. We’ve been talking everyday, praying together three times a day for clarity and strength to start making the right decisions in our lives and not just going by pure passion for each other.

    • Anna…

      Being the other woman is never easy, but when the OW gets pregnant, it makes things that much more difficult. I definitely don’t believe that becoming pregnant while with a married man is the wise decision, but, sometimes birth control fails and we are dealt a hand that we never thought we’d have to play. All I can say about that is that I hope everything works out well.

      I don’t know the circumstances as to why your MM started seeing you, but you must understand that he is married and that his wife, if she thought they had a good marriage, is justifiably upset with you, with him and with the world right now. The MM you’re seeing is obviously confused as to what to do and only he and his wife can decide what is best for their marriage and son (stay and make it work, or leave to be with you). If he chooses to stay in the marriage, that’s something that you need to accept, but I hope you allow him to see his child at every opportunity. I also hope that his wife realizes that whatever happened in the marriage is not the baby’s fault and doesn’t demand that he never see your child. His son deserves to be able to know and bond with his little brother or sister. It won’t be easy for any of the adults, but no child should be denied the love of a parent.

      It doesn’t help to ignore the wife because like it or not, she will be involved in your child’s life. Open communication is needed between the adults so the child has as normal a life as possible under the circumstances. When your MM decides where it is he needs to be, the three of you need to sit down like civilized people and talk about visitation, child support and any other aspects of this extended family.

      I wish you all the best.

  19. I have been the OW for 4 years now. I was married with 2 kids and ended up leaving my husband because he didn’t have my heart anymore. He had a partner and still has her but they don’t live together or even in the same state so I see him a lot more than she does. Have never been able to figure out why he can’t leave her but says he doesn’t want to hurt his family like he did when he left his wife but surely his family would understand if his partner is someone in his words “only tolerated not wanted”. He has kids with his wife and I do things with them most weekends he has them which must confuse the hell out of them and have tried stopping that but he would then get his kids to ring and ask me to come over!

    He always says the right things and I have tried to walk away soo many times because i feel like the worst person in the world and feel so sorry for his partner who from what I understand loves him as much as I do. I can understand every woman out there that puts all the blame on the OW but its not a choice majority of us would ever make again and in my experience he won’t let me go not the other way around.

    I think you get to a point of believing you aren’t good enough to be with someone who could actually want to be with you all the time…feel like you’re only good enough to be in the background of a mans life.

    I truly hope we all have the courage one day to please ourselves instead of putting our lives on hold for a man that’s not ours…mine is very jealous so with him in my life I can’t look for anyone else and it’s very lonely sometimes. I also hope his partner realises she too deserves someone so much better than what she has

    • Hi, Des…

      Your man sounds like he’s content using the “excuse” of his partner, even though she’s in another state and there are no marital ties or children with her.

      It bothers me that you don’t sound happy at all and that you’re only staying with this man because he guilts you into it. You’ve been with him for 4 years and you are still in the same boat…with an unmarried man who will not leave his out-of-state girlfriend. How is this good for you?

      When I found out that my guy was married, I was devastated! We had long talks before I even agreed to see him in person again. We finally got together and talked all day and through the night and I made the decision to give him a chance. BUT….I told him from that day that I would not pass up any opportunity to date someone else. I have told him that if I find someone I could see myself with for the long haul, I will give him a choice to either be with me, or let me go. He knows this is a possibility to this day. I am not putting my life on hold for him. I can understand why he doesn’t want to leave his house, but I don’t have ties to his daughter and will not let her run MY life. This may sound cruel, but until I know her, I will not allow her to tell me where I can go or who I can see (meaning, if I decide to move out of state, or date someone else, I will not decide against it because HE will not leave his teenage daughter).

      One thing I never did was put my life on hold for my guy. I don’t wait for him to call (even though he calls every morning before work and every evening after work and before he comes to my house). I tell him what my plans are for the week and he needs to work around them. He even comes by to mow the lawn when he knows I’m not home. I don’t feel that I’m not good enough for someone who can be with me all the time because that’s not what I need. My guy gives me all that I need and more.

      The problem is that YOU don’t feel that you are getting what YOU deserve from your man. I do hope that you find the strength to move on, not because it’s wrong to be the OW, but because you really don’t “sound” happy. You say he’s jealous, but is he being fair to you by demanding that you not see anyone else, yet he will not leave his girlfriend, whom he has not lived with? Doesn’t sound very fair to me.

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