It’s Been a Long Time….

As the summer progresses, I’m realizing that the 9th anniversary with my man is coming. Nine years. That’s a long time.

Through the years, I’ve gone from frustration at not being able to be with him, to telling him it had to be over, to wanting him to get our affair out into the open and move in with me, to where I am now, which is pretty much content with the way things are. I don’t know if that’s a good thing, but I’m relatively happy. I say I don’t know if it’s a good thing because I sometimes wonder if my apathy means I just don’t care about him as much anymore.

Actually, after 9 years, I’ve come to realize that we’re not only lovers; we’re also best friends. It’s not that I don’t care about him, it’s that I care more than ever and I’m just more secure in our relationship. It’s been a long time coming, but I’m now in a place where I don’t need him living with me to know that HE cares. Yes….sometimes it feels like we’re kids with a curfew, but as time goes by, the times I feel like this are few and far between. We enjoy our time together and neither of us want to give it up.

Now that it’s summer, we have a lot more time together. We work together on weekends and most weekends, he stays with me. It makes more sense that way. He lives about an hour away from the shop, I’m only 10 minutes away. When a job calls for us to be at the shop by 5:30 AM, being 10 minutes away is a good thing. Also, we don’t end our day until at least midnight most times. After working that long, he’s exhausted, so the hour drive simply isn’t doable. I have no idea what he tells his wife when he’s gone all weekend. I don’t ask because I really don’t need to know. I do know one thing: his wife doesn’t care if he’s home or not.

In the 9 years we’ve been together, we’ve worked weekends together for 5 of those years. In the beginning, he went home after each job. Little by little, he’s been staying with me more and more. When we work, it’s usually at a street fair or some kind of festival. When we work a public event, I used to worry that his wife would bring his daughter to one of them. She hasn’t.

As this 9th anniversary approaches, I think of the progress we’ve made over the years. We’ve had fights, we’ve helped each other when we were sick, we’ve had serious discussions, we’ve worked and we’ve played. I’ve come a long way since the early years when I was so unsure of him and his feelings for me. Over the years, he’s made it a point to show me how important I am in his life. I think at this point in our relationship, he’s the one who’s starting to feel a bit insecure. He knows he can’t stop me from doing things without him and he sees that I’m taking full advantage of our time apart. Who knows…..maybe in another 9 years, HE’LL be secure too.

Happy anniversary!

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7 thoughts on “It’s Been a Long Time….

  1. You’ve been with this man for NINE years and he still wont leave his wife. WOW. You need to wake up. Your being USED. IS this what you want for your life and if so do you value yourself that littel. I feel very sorry for you. Its your choice to live your life how you chose but I have never met any women like you. Most woman dont want to share. And thats the best you’ve ever got……50% of a relationshiop. You can act like you dont care and your SO independant you dont need a man but common your just fooling yourself.

    • Well, Ralph….

      What exactly am I being used for? I’m not helping him financially, I’m not being treated like a housekeeper, I can’t help him in his job….there’s nothing I can be used for. Or, do you mean I’m being used for sex? If that’s the case, isn’t every woman in ANY relationship being used for sex? If you’ve read all of my posts so far, you will see that this isn’t some “wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am” kind of thing. This is an on going relationship. I’m not sharing him with his wife; I’m sharing him with his daughter. Shouldn’t every father be there for his little girl?

      No one is being “fooled” here. If he was ready to divorce (I don’t say “leave” because emotionally, they left each other a long time ago) his wife…if she was ready to allow him liberal visitation….then he would be welcome to move into my home. Right now, that’s not possible (again….some explanations are in other posts). It would be nice if he could live with me, but I don’t need him to.

      Thanks for your comment. :-D

  2. I have been with my married man for 6 years now. Going in he was clear it would never be more than what it was. Somewhere along the line he started to suggest something more and even said he spoke with a lawyer. Well that was 3 years ago and just the other night he said because he has always financially supported his wife completely he cannot see how leaving her to be with me could ever work. I am heart broken. I suppose if I had more time with him it would be different but we only have 1 two hour visit a week and I do need more. He is busy with his work and making sure no one finds out so now what. I hear enough about leaving and moving on but the 6 years I have spent loving him feels impossible to walk away from. Any thoughts?

    • Sometimes, men want something, but don’t think about the consequences before bringing those thoughts to the surface. Case in point; your man telling you that he spoke with an attorney.

      Your situation is a rough one because you really don’t have a lot of time to spend with him. Does he have children? Does he live close to you? These are factors in what he needs to do about giving you more time. Has it always been 2 hours a week?????

      Yes, after 6 years it would be very hard to just walk away, but that doesn’t mean you need to continue with things the way they are. Have you talked to him about your feelings? Have you told him you want more time? Is his wife unable to work for some reason? You could let him know that you’ve had enough of waiting for someone who says he can’t ever live with you or give you more than 2 hours a week.

      Do your friends know about your relationship? It may be time to not be so available to him. I can’t say this enough….go out! Register for a class, go dancing, take a vacation with the girls…find things to do where you could meet people (men…single men). Let your man know that you will be going out and that you WILL date if someone catches your eye. Don’t tell him this as a way to force him to be with you…just let him know how you feel, but that it’s getting harder and harder for you to continue the way it is. He will have 2 choices: Accept that you will go out and that he could lose you, or he could end it. If he ends it, I guess that means he wasn’t as “committed” to you as you are to him. You won’t have to walk away because he did it for you. Will it hurt? Of course! But, with the support of friends, you will get through it.

      Good luck!

  3. It has changed over the years. We used to have more time, then there was a while it was even less. 2 hours is what he can give now apparently. We live about an hour apart and his children are adults but he still sees them almost daily. My friends cannot know because we have too many friends in common and we always need to protect his life, career, money and family.
    As to me having a seperate life…When I did we saw each other less, he was not happy and suggested if I really wanted him I would have to be more available to him.
    I have shared my feelings for over a year now and he stated he still had hopes of a future together but cannot see how to make it work. He has always supported his wife, paid for everything and a divorce would mean he would have to continue to pay for everything. She intermittently worked but her money was always just hers. Just dont know if I can live this way forever.
    Thanks for your perspective.

  4. OW… some advice here please..
    I’m a married woman with kids, my husband is a wonderful man, I have very little I could fault him. But I have fell for another married man, who also has kids. Both of us has found a very high chemistry, an attraction that we’ve never felt before. We are intimate in ways that we aren’t comfortable with our partners. We see ourselves quite unique in the way we are so open and honest with each other. The spark, the lust, the love developed within the past 2yrs and continues to grow. It is long distance, we are both in different cities. We talk almost every day but see each other every 6 weeks. We see each other on the cam in between. He says he is in love with me but yet holds his wife so high. I dont get it. I can easily admit that my relationship with my husband has disconnected somewhat, before my meeting this new man. Yet when I asked him if he was happy with his wife, he was offended and said he has nothing to complain about. Then admits that what we have is different to what he’s ever had in the past, he cant stop thinking about me, thinks about stuff he’s never thought of before, like my smell, my taste my everything.
    I’m wrapped into him with everything he tells me and does to me… but yet I dont get how he feels so strongly about his wife as well.
    I’m not expecting either of us to leave our families to be with each other, but I do wonder sometimes if this guy is the love of my life and if there’s a reason why I have met him.
    The chemistry between my husband and I is nothing like this. Even kissing is different.
    Do you think I’m being a fool or being fooled ? It’s not like I physically satisfy him every week so I’m assuming it’s not just about sex…

    • Lilo….

      This other man that you’re seeing has told you that he has nothing to complain about when it comes to his wife, so I guess he’s not planning on leaving her. You also feel that your husband is “wonderful” and can’t find much fault with him. I don’t know how long each of you has been married, but it seems to me that you both are looking for “more” (to use “Ana Steele’s word)?

      Take some time and think about what you want and need from life. What if your husband finds out about your affair? Will he leave you? What will you do? Surely Mr. Every-Six-Weeks (yeah, I’m on a roll here) won’t be taking you in.

      Since you feel that your husband is “wonderful”, why don’t you have a heart to heart talk with him. You don’t need to fess up to the affair, but you should tell him what it is that you need from him that you’re not getting. Right now, you could feel that the chemistry you have with your husband is “different” because you’re too focused on this other guy. You need to take that openness and honesty home to your husband. With some open communication, you could get that spark back with your husband. Start dating again! Go to a sex shop and look for things you could use together to get some playfulness back into your marriage. Role play. On a date night, you could plan on meeting your husband at a bar and pretend it’s the first time you’re meeting. Get dressed up…put on a wig.

      When you’re married, life gets in the way, but you still need time to romance each other. Talk to your wonderful husband. He may be more than relieved that you brought it up.

      Good luck!

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