It’s NOT a piece of cake…

Being the other woman isn’t easy. Some people think that it’s a piece of cake because we only get him or see him on his “good” days. We don’t have to be with him constantly or deal with his moods. In a way, that’s true, but then again, it’s not true.

In my case, we’re together a lot. This past weekend, we worked on my house. We had been discussing moving my bedroom to the back of the house where it was originally. I’m a bit torn on this because I got used to having my “cave room”. All the pros he gave me for moving made sense (especially since the only closet in my house is in that back room, so I won’t have to walk through the house to get at my clothes), so I decided to go for it. We decided on a color scheme and went out to get paint. When we got back, I got to organizing things in my kitchen and he started fixing cracks in the walls and priming.

After an afternoon of working, we went out to eat, then came home to pop in a DVD. Well, we worked hard all afternoon, so as soon as the movie started, I fell asleep and he wasn’t too far behind. He woke me up around 12:30 with hot chocolate and a donut. The dogs were walked and all I had to do was drink and eat. We hung out and talked for another hour, he left and we talked on the phone until he got home.

I’ve been with him when he’s happy. I’ve been with him when he’s upset. I’ve been with him when he’s beyond pissy. No, I don’t only have him on good days. It works both ways, too. He’s seen me in all my moods and clothing styles. He’s seen me thin and he’s seen me fat. It’s good times and bad times and everything in between. And I don’t feel that I’m lucky to not have to live with him.

If you want to be married or if you want your man to be with you all the time, do NOT date a married man. I never understood how a woman could say she preferred being with a married man. If I knew he was married in the beginning, I wouldn’t be with him. We have a normal life together, except when he has to leave to go home. I would love to have him with me, but right now, it’s not possible.

Will I get tired of living this way? Possibly. When I do, then I will make the decision to not be with him. Until then, I’ll take as much of him as I can get.

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8 thoughts on “It’s NOT a piece of cake…

  1. I am new to the game of being the other woman. Like your guy, mine is married to a woman who is done with the marriage except to be a business partner in a lifestyle. He stays with her because they have a 7-year-old daughter, and he’s a very involved father. He would be lost without his little girl. I understand that, and in no way do I pressure him about leaving his wife or anything, because I would be a fool to do so. It would break his heart to be away from his daughter, and the notion that I would be so selfish as to imply that I wanted him to end his marriage would only serve to drive a wedge between him and me.

    All in all, I like the “arrangement,” because I’m not known to do well with relationships, and this involves so much less pressure.. less expectation… on both sides. I know he can’t be at my beck and call, so I am able to work through my disappointments with a good old-fashioned reality check. And he has less pressure with me, because we don’t share bills or household duties, etc. And he likes doting on me and treating me to meaningful gifts (not necessarily expensive; just extremely thoughtful) and when we have a moment to be out in the world together, he puts his hand on the small of my back. Things like that are all I need, in a way. He shows that he cares, and that’s enough for me, I guess. It’s almost a perfect situation…

    Except it hurts that I cannot know his daughter. She will never know of me, at least in the sense of who I really am to her father. I may actually never meet her. And that hurts. Because she is such a huge part of his life. And I love hearing him talk about their adventures, and I offer a female perspective on some of his concerns and confusions about raising a daughter.

    And I have a son, who he has met, but obviously won’t see often. My son is 10 and has no idea that I am dating this man…. He just knows him as my boss. Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention that taboo fact. Ugh. I didn’t plan to fall for him. It started as light flirting, then became a sincere friendship, and then turned into a sweet romance. It’s hard to hide this affair, but we’ve done it, so far. Only a couple close friends know of this, and they do not work with me…

    I’m rambling now… but I’ve been reading your blog posts, and I can identify with some things, like the fact that he can’t always be there when emotional support is a genuine desire… practically a need.

    You spend more time with your man than I do with mine. A lot of that is due to the fact that we live about 90 miles apart. We leave work and go in exact opposite directions. Most of my time with him is “stolen” time. And I love all of our stolen moments. And we talk on the phone plenty. But there are times I have felt like I needed him to be there for me, and he hasn’t been able to be. He feels badly about this, but there’s no way to “fix” that problem.

    The truth is, I love being his other woman. I love being the sweetness he’s missed out on for so long. I love bringing a smile to his face… a release for his desires…

    Most people would consider me to be a fool. And I may very well be. But I’m a content fool at this point.

    I admire your candidness on your blog… It has inspired me to perhaps start my own.

    I’m so glad I found this page. :)


    • Hi, Jen….

      Sorry this has taken so long, but life has been happening.

      I understand your frustration at not being able to know his daughter. I’m going through the same thing. That’s about the only part I miss right now.

      It’s hard when we can’t spend time with the person we love. Our situations aren’t unique, but they aren’t common, either. We take what we can and make the most of every moment. For me, it’s been 9 years, all of which have been a learning process. I’ve gone from obsessive to apathetic. I feel that I’m in a good place now. It’s taken a long time, but, I’m there.

      You have the added issue with your man being your boss. All I can say is be careful. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders and know what you can and can’t expect, but you do have the added worry of “can I lose my job if things in my relationship don’t work out?”. BTW…you’re not a fool. Sometimes, we can’t help who we fall in love with. Silly heart. :-)

  2. I honestly love being the other woman its like im priviliged to get the goods of him not only sexually but emotionally!! his gurlfriend is a bitch i hate her and it feels soooo good when hes with me and she calls and he doesnt answer! ha but she disliked me first so she set her own grave not to be back stabbing but i knew him longer in fact i introduced them and she does him so wrong uses him, doesnt hug him or kiss him unless he buys her sumthing etc its a mess yet i do not want him as my man i enjoy having my space and she can have him when i dont!

  3. I can’t even believe what you all are about, you sound desperate and worthless! Get real, “your men” go to his wife every night and tell her how much he loves her, how happy he is, because he is a liar. If he can lie to his wife about you and his whereabouts , what actually is stopping him from laying to you?
    Staying with his miserable and unloving wife because of the kids? They should think of an other excuse, it’s so lame and “statistical”, that’s what they all say! You are just making excuses for him and yourself for being where and what you are. They will never leave their wifes, unless been kicked out themselves once all thruth comes out.
    That’s just the way it is, you live in a fantasy!

    • I’m sorry if your husband/boyfriend/SO cheated on you (why else would you “sound” so bitter), but it’s not with me.

      You dole out some pretty harsh judgments, and you have every right to feel as you do, but, you obviously don’t understand how it is. You couldn’t possibly understand because you aren’t in this situation.

      What you don’t seem to get is that every extramarital relationship is NOT the same. Sure, there are men who run from their mistress’s bed directly to the bed they share with their wives (well…not directly…they shower first), but not all. Some actually ARE honest when they say they’re there for the kids. It happens way more than most people think. Actually, I know of many men who are counting the days until their kids reach the “magical” (or so they think) age of 18 so they can leave. The problem is, these men are the ones living in Fantasyland because what makes them think that as soon as a kid hits the age of 18, they will be open to daddy leaving? Many of these guys are under the misconception that child support ends at 18; it doesn’t! If the kid wants to continue his or her education, that adds on at least another 4 years. This is why I am under no delusions about living with my man. I know that 18 is NOT a magic age. That’s something he doesn’t get even though I’ve tried to explain it to him.

      Maybe you were not a “miserable and unloving wife”, yet your husband cheated anyway. This happens too. Is it right? No. Not for anyone involved. But, again…this isn’t what ALL cheating husbands are doing. Some really do feel there is no way out of a loveless marriage if there are kids involved.

      People grow apart. As a woman, you should know that some of us could be VERY vindictive. Hell…some MEN are vindictive! Haven’t you every heard of anyone dumping a partner only to try to get him or her back once it’s discovered that the dumpee has moved on and found someone else? It’s the “I don’t want you but you can’t be happy with someone else” syndrome.

      I hope you, and all other people who judge without knowing, are never in a situation that you have previously judged harshly. It’s cliche, but, “don’t judge unless you’ve walked a mile in my shoes” is a very appropriate saying.

  4. ************, you are so utterly deluded, I find myself literally lol’ing at what you have to write. :)

    • Now I have gone from being a “very delusional person” to “utterly deluded”. Again…at least I still have the power to make someone laugh. :-D

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