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How NOT to Get Caught

BookcoverA while ago, I wrote a post about an idea I had to write a book on how not to get caught when you’re having an affair.  Well….I did it and it’s finally finished!

I thought long and hard about whether or not I should write this book, then  decided that it needed to be written.

Getting caught hurts EVERYONE!  It hurts the married lover, it hurts the spouse, it hurts the kids and it hurts the one in the relationship with the married lover.    Because affairs happen for different reasons, everyone involved hurts for different reasons.  This is why getting caught is not something you want to happen.

The book can be purchased by clicking on the link to the right of the posts.   There is a lot of good, useful information in it that could come in very handy.  I’m sure you’ll like it!

 

 

Coming to Terms

I’ve been with my MM for quite a few years now, so I’ve gone through all of the ups, downs and in-betweens of this relationship.  I started off not knowing that this great guy that I had known for years and just became re-acquainted with was married.  When I found out, we were one year into this and sometimes, I ask myself how I didn’t realize something was up.   But, hind-sight is 20/20.

Even when I saw the evidence (his mom’s obituary), I still couldn’t really believe it because it was from a couple of years earlier, so anything could have happened in that time.  The one thing I did was start looking for signs:  female items left in his car (none), longer hair stuck to the passenger seat (never), him using the term “we need to get <whatever> for the house” when I knew he didn’t mean “we” as in him and me (not once).  I let it go because I figured that if there was something he needed to tell me, he would.  After all, we talked about (just about) everything.

When the truth finally came out, I was livid!  His wife had called me, but not to confront me for being the other woman.  It was to explain why people were in my yard taking pictures of one of his cars.  She said she wanted to “surprise” him by having the car restored, but she didn’t sound like a happy wife trying to surprise her husband.   Still, he was married, so whatever it was we had was over.  At least, that’s what I told myself.

He came over that night and I broke it off.   He asked for a chance to explain, and I gave it to him.  He didn’t give me any of the cliche excuses like “My wife doesn’t understand me” or “I love her but I’m not IN love with her”.   He didn’t even tell me he loved ME at that point.  How could he?  He knew he was married and didn’t want to tell me he loved me knowing that I probably would have laughed in his face!

I’ve been through ups and downs with my feelings.  One day feeling like I couldn’t take another night when he left me to go home to his wife.  The next day, knowing that I could count on him to be there for me if I needed him.  I used to feel guilty, but that stopped when I realized that his wife never so much as stopped by to see him when he was working in the garage.  She knew where he was and it was only a few minutes away.  She never made the effort.  She never even called to ask if he needed anything.

I don’t know my man’s wife.  I never did.  One thing I do know is that she is NOT a bad person as some think I believe.  If she was a bad person, my guy would never have fallen in love with her and married her.  What happened was that she stopped loving him.  Many people don’t understand this, but it happens.  I do know that he tried to make things work.  I tried to get him to make things work before I became so emotionally invested in him that my heart would break into a zillion pieces.  She didn’t want things to work.  That’s it.  She just stopped caring.

I have asked myself over and over what HE did to make her stop caring.  I’ve asked him what he did.  He claims to have no idea.  All he knows is that she blamed menopause.  Unfortunately, I know women who use that as an excuse to stop having sex, but she took it to the extreme and didn’t even want to be touched.  I always thought that women who play the menopause card are the ones who really don’t enjoy sex and welcome menopause as an excuse to stop.  Personally, if I had a husband who was younger than me and I lost interest in sex, I would be doing anything I could to try to get that interest back.  Not that sex is THE most important thing, but a big chunk is missing without any intimacy.

It took me a long time to realize that what we have is better than a lot of marriages out there.  We’re friends first, then lovers.  I have my own space and time to do what I want.  He has to do what he feels is right for his daughter and I accept that.  I’m asked how I came to terms with this relationship.  Well, I came to terms by living my own life.  Sure, we have interests together, but I have my own interests that keep me busy.  As the years go by, I realize that this relationship is good for both of us.  We are together more than many married people.  We talk more than most couples (thanks to his commute to and from work calls to me).  When we’re together, we’re a REAL couple in a REAL relationship.  I know, I know….there are some who will disagree and say I’m “settling”.  I’m not settling…I’m happy.  I don’t need to be his wife.  I don’t need to be a mother to his daughter.  I just need to be the one he loves who loves him back.

Right now, I’m going through a time when I want to get out of the north!  He wants me to move closer to him, but I told him that there is no way I will be living in some out of the way area alone.  If he wants me to stay up north, he will have to make a move to be with me.  If he can’t do that, then I am going south.  I have some time to decide what I want to do, but when I’m in a position to move, he will have his option.  In the meantime, I’m looking at real estate down south.  I’ve shown him several of the houses and condos I’m looking at, so he knows this is a very real option for me.  I’m not going to push.  As always, he needs to decide what to do for him.  Whatever happens with this, I’ll come to terms with that too.

 

Add “Bat-Shit Crazy” to My List of Titles!

************, you are so utterly deluded, I find myself literally lol’ing at what you have to write. :)

Now I have gone from being a “very delusional person” to “utterly deluded”.   Again…at least I still have the power to make someone laugh.  :-D

And we’re not done yet!!!!!  Here we are on April 10 at 6:33 PM

You say: At 10, she should be able to understand that she would probably see her dad more if he wasn’t living with her.

This makes no damn sense!

Followed by this: I miss not knowing his daughter. When I go on vacation, I always make it a point to bring something home for her.

You have FAILED in your effort to replace his wife. Now you want to replace the wife as MOTHER of her own child?!?

You can deny that all you like, as you didn’t actually type out the words. I’ve read your entire blog. The fact that you desperately WANT to replace his wife, but have continuously failed for the last 11 years comes through loud and clear.

I’m sure that WH gives your gifts to his child. You really are in denial, OW.

There is absolutely NO universe in which his daughter is going to accept you. The fact that you are trying to buy her speaks to your level of desperation.

The only hope you ever have of getting WH is if his W finds out, kicks his rump to the curb and divorces. He might then settle for you. Or not.

So, you can’t see how not living in the home my MM’s daughter will probably see him more?  Let me explain:

He is with me right after work and gets home when his daughter is in bed.  He says a quick “good night” to her, then it’s time for him to get to sleep because he has to be up at 5:00 AM to get to work.  He works all day Saturday, then he’s with me until 1:00 or 2:00 AM.  During the summer season, we work together most Sundays at our weekend job. 

If he was living with me, he would be able to get his daughter after work and take her for dinner a few times a week.  That’s more than what she’s getting now.  She would also be able to go to our jobs on Sundays and maybe help out.  More time to spend with Dad.  I don’t have to work these jobs, so I could stick with her to make sure she’s totally safe.  Does that make me want to replace her mother, or just play “babysitter” for a day?

You seem to be under the impression that I am trying to “replace” his wife, but that isn’t the case.  I’m quite content with the relationship as it is.  Yes, I would like to know his daughter, but that’s not possible right now and I don’t know if that will ever be possible.  Even if  my MM and I end up living together at some point, I will not want to be a “replacement mother”.  She has a mother and that will never change.  I’m not about to take someone’s child away from them.  Goddess knows that I raised my two boys and I don’t want to raise someone else’s child.  That doesn’t mean that I can’t care about her well-being or wouldn’t be there if she needs another ear to listen if she has a problem.  I would care for her as I care for the younger children of my friends.  I also would never try to turn her away from her mother (because that is what you seem to be implying). 

I don’t know where you get that I want to replace his child’s mother because I bring her something back when I go on vacation.  You say that I’m showing desperation by trying to “buy” her.  By “bringing something back” I mean that I’ll bring her a pretty shell that I find, or a key-chain or one year, I brought a small vial filled with sand from my beach with tiny shells mixed in.  I doubt very much any of these things would “buy” a child’s love and acceptance.  His daughter knows me as a friend of her father’s and the “mother” of my two fur-babies that he brings home when I’m on vacation (my condo association doesn’t allow pets) and I’m the one who watches HER pets when they are away.  So, yes, he does bring his daughter the stupid little things I bring back for her.

I refuse to go over the same dead horse over and over again about how his daughter will not accept me….EVER.  I have said that my MM (WTF is “WH”?!??!?) and I have discussed this subject.  The longer the lie goes on, the less chance there will be of being accepted as even just a friend, nevermind her father’s girlfriend.  

I have not FAILED to take my MM’s wife’s place.  I never tried to take her place.  Yes, this relationship has been going on for 11 years, but I’m not looking to be anyone’s wife.  This would be the case even if I was seeing a single man.  I was a wife…been there, done that, got the divorce.  I don’t need to be married.  

Now I need to point out that you are taking my situation and comparing it to yours.  You are obviously still bitter about your husband’s affair.  I don’t know if the wound is still fresh or if you’re letting the bitterness grow and fester instead of moving on with your life.  Just by your many comments to me, I can see that you can’t let go of this hurt (that also shows in your email address, which I will not make public here).

Maybe you were a wonderful wife who doted on her husband.  Maybe you had no idea that he was cheating on you until it came up to bite you in the face.  That sucks…and I don’t mean that sarcastically.  It really and truly sucks.  But, I can tell you that my MM is NOT like your husband.  He married someone who stopped loving him.  Their lives took different turns, but for reasons of their own, they will stay together, but live separate lives unless there is something they must do together for their daughter. 

I hope that you are able to let go of the hurt, because if you can’t your life will continue to be miserable. 

This person obviously doesn’t agree with my relationship with a MM, yet she kept reading and responding.  She is a prime example of those who cannot accept that sometimes, life throws us curve balls.  I never thought that I would be in a relationship with a married man….NEVER!  But, never say never.

For The First Mrs and those who feel the same as she, I need to again say that most OW did not set out to look for relationships with married men.  Marriages fail and affairs happen.  Some are one-night stands while others, like mine, are long-term.

Personally, I don’t agree with women who actually DO look to meet married men.  I don’t understand actually searching for this kind of life, but, it happens.  I suspect that many of these women aren’t in it for anything long-term, they are just enjoying the moment.  Is an affair all the fault of the other woman, no matter what the circumstances?  No….absolutely not.  But, the OW  gets all the blame.  SHE is the “home-wrecking whore”.  What about the men who allowed the affair to happen knowing that they are married (at times to great women who do nothing but love them and want to make good homes for them)?  They never seem to get blamed for this.  It’s always “Boys will be boys” or “Men weren’t made to be monogamous”.

I’ve said it before and it’s worth repeating:  A man who is happy in his marriage will not cheat!  He may look, but he won’t touch because he respects and loves his wife.  “But, honey, I was drunk” doesn’t fly as an excuse.  A happily married man who has a great wife should know his limits and to not put himself in the position to be “seduced” by another woman.   But, a one-night stand with a stranger is one thing; a long-term relationship that is both emotional and intimate  is another.  That means there is REAL trouble in the marriage.

No affair is the same.  They happen for many reasons.  Black and white don’t apply to this topic.  Don’t try to make them apply.

 

 

 

 

The Other Woman’s Port in a (Post-)Storm

Hello Everyone!!!

I’ll be down for a bit because of Hurricane Sandy. Stuck without power. I’m sitting in the library now, charging all my stuff, but would you believe the library has no Internet???? Thank goodness I got a “rocket” so I can connect while traveling! I’m the only one here on line. People hate me! LOL!

My guy is working 7 days a week, 12 hour shifts, so our contact is limited to phone during commutes. Good thing I have my Kindle Fire to occupy the time at night. Charging it now for later, so life is good.

I hope everyone is safe and warm. Will post soon!

How Not to Get Caught

I would never  advise someone to go out and purposely find a married man to start a relationship with.  That being said, this is real life and sometimes, things happen.

When you’re with a married man, there is always a chance that you’re going to get caught, and getting caught brings on unnecessary hurt to the spouse.  This hurt extends to any children that the couple may have.  No matter what the situation is at home, no woman wants her husband’s affair made public.  Maybe friends and family aren’t aware that there’s trouble in the marriage.  If her husband gets caught in an affair, it may force an action that the wife isn’t ready, or willing, to make.

I’m in the process of writing a book on how not to get caught.  Before I finalize it,  I was wondering if any of you out there have specific scenarios you would like to see covered in it.  If you have any ideas, just send over a comment!

Thanks!!!!

Being The Other Woman Is Rarely Planned

Contrary to popular belief, there aren’t many women who make a conscious decision to be in a relationship with a married man.  I say “not many” rather than “any” because there are always exceptions to every rule.  There are women who do go out looking to hook up with married men.  These women, though, are usually gold diggers looking to snare a rich guy who will take them on trips, buy them cars, jewelry and sometimes homes.  I am not like these women.

Trust me when I say that if I were to specifically look for a married man, I would be cruising the yacht clubs in Miami and Fort Lauderdale.   His wife would be in the marriage for the money just as I would be in the affair for the money.  While his wife was with him doing volunteer work and going to boring country club and business dinners,  I’d be taken on trips all over the world on his private yacht (hence, the looking in yacht clubs) and I’d buy my jeans and tank tops (I wouldn’t need sweatshirts since I’d winter in Florida and summer in Nantucket) at Neiman Marcus instead of Old Navy.  I’d drive a sporty little BMW instead of a Chevy and I would NEVER buy my Nikes on sale again!  As for those $2 flipflops…fuggetaboudit!  I’d buy the $20 flipflops with the ridiculous flowers and a nice big platform so they’d give me some height.   My maid would clean up after me, the gardener would take care of the perfectly manicured lawn and flowers, the pool boy would make sure the water in my screened in pool and adjoining spa were at the perfect temperatures and pH balances and my house would be kept at a constant 70 degrees.  What a nice world it would be!  ::::::::::::::POP:::::::::::::::

OK….the bubble  has burst.

My guy has a blue collar job and drives an almost 20 year old car that can in no way be considered “classic”.   He can’t afford to take me on trips and he doesn’t shower me with clothes, cars and jewelry.  He works two jobs to keep up with bills and when we go out to dinner, we very rarely go anyplace that has tablecloths.  We don’t have much, but we have more than a lot of people.  What we have can’t be bought.  We have a terrific intimate relationship, but we also have a lasting friendship.   Neither of us would lightly give up what we have with each other.

We’re not together because we planned it, we’re together because life happened.  I’m not a “slut” or a “whore”.  I don’t have “low self-esteem” as some have said in their comments.  I don’t feel “unworthy” of a single man who can give me 100% of himself so I “settled” for the married man I’m with.   I’m not “deluding” myself into thinking I’m happy and that he loves me.  I know these things.  I’m not “wasting” my time with him.  Would things be better if he wasn’t married?  In some ways, yes.  He wouldn’t have to leave me at 2 AM to drive an hour home.  I’d be able to know his daughter.  We’d be able to go to my condo together every now and then, even with his daughter, so I could show her the Florida that I’ve known since I was a kid.   Does any of this make me want to get rid of him for a “nice single man”?  No.  Does it mean that he still loves his wife if he’s not divorcing her?  No.  People can’t seem to wrap their minds around the fact that there is no black and white when it comes to infidelity.

Every relationship has down sides.  In my relationship, the ups make up for the downs.  No…not many women plan for this.  It’s not easy being the other woman.  No matter how busy you are, there are nights alone, vacations alone and holidays alone.   I can hear it now; all the cheated on wives “tsk tsking”.   I can guarantee that all of the “other women” who are reading this aren’t sleeping with happily married men.   If a man has a mistress, he’s not really happy in his marriage, is he?

Is the Other Woman the “Bad Guy”?

I hear from a lot of OW.  The stories are all different, but the essentially the same; we fell in love with married men.

One of the things that most of us has done is to try to get our married lovers to look at their marriages and see if they can make them work again.  Obviously, I can only relay my experience with this, but I know I’m not the only one.  If you’re with a married man, before you’re too involved, it helps to have him try anything he needs to in order to work on his marriage.  If it’s done in the early stages of your affair, you’ll hurt, but it won’t be as bad as if it were to happen after years into it.

When I first found out that my guy was married, we had a long discussion about his marriage and what went wrong.  He was very uncomfortable talking to me about it at first, I think because he felt that I would be overly upset, but we did talk it out.

He met his wife when he was at his night job as a bartender at a local rock bar.   He was working one Friday night and she walked in with a couple of friends.  She stayed until closing and waited for him to finish his clean up, then invited him out to breakfast.  He didn’t go because he worked all day, then was at the bar all night, so he just wanted to get home.  She showed up the next weekend, but on a Saturday night.  After a few m0nths of this, she went home with him and never left.  They lived together for a year, got married and a year after that had a baby.  Once their daughter was born, he said it all changed.

He worked long hours during the week, then at the bar every Wednesday and all weekend, so they never really “dated”.  Their dating consisted of her sitting at the bar while he served beer and shots.   They really had nothing in common except partying.  Not a very substantial basis for a relationship, but, I guess they didn’t realize it at the time.  As for sex, he said it was never a huge priority for either of them.  He was exhausted from work and she accepted that because, I guess everyone has that assumption that if you’re living together, if you don’t have sex one night, you could make up for it the next.

Another thing that should have been a red flag was that his family couldn’t stand her.  His parents, though divorced for years, got together with him one night and tried to talk him out of marrying her.  He didn’t listen.  Shortly after their daughter was born, his mom got very ill and had to be put into a nursing home.  My guy would go see her every day right after work.  His wife refused to go and refused to allow him to bring their daughter.  She agreed to bring the child to the nursing home when it was clear that grandma didn’t have long to live, however, she wouldn’t to to her room and she wouldn’t let him bring the daughter to grandma’s room.  Grandma had to be put in a wheelchair and brought down to the lobby, where she was allowed 5 minutes to see a granddaughter that she had only seen a few times previously.

As for sex…that stopped once the baby was born.  My man’s wife told him that she no longer had any sexual urge, yet she wouldn’t do anything to “fix” it.  Not only did she not want sex, she stopped wanting any physical contact, including hugs and kisses.  If he came up behind her and kissed her neck, she would push him away and tell him not to do that in front of the baby.  He got tired of being shot down, so he eventually stopped touching her.

As his daughter got to be around school age, he realized that the school system in the town they were in wasn’t very good, so he bought a house about an hour away.  He wanted his daughter to have a yard to play in and a school where she could actually learn without worrying about all the fights that were going on in his old school district.  By this time, he and I were already a couple.  Did it upset me that he was buying a house for his wife?  Absolutely!!!!   In fact, I almost ended it when he told me they were moving.

Almost ended it.  What I did instead was ask him if there was any chance that he and his wife could work things out.  He told me that a few years earlier, before me, he tried to spice things up by buying his wife some lingerie.  She wouldn’t wear it, but she told him that if he ever got her a house, she would wear it and give him a night to remember.  I suggested that he go home and take out that lingerie.  I told him that if he didn’t see me the next day, I would know that it worked and things were going to be all right in the marriage.

The next day, he came to me.  He went home the night before, and laid out the lingerie on the bed while his wife was in the shower.  He then went downstairs to give her time to dry off and get all dolled up.  A half hour later, he went to the bedroom.  She had thrown the lingerie in the trash and put on an old ratty t-shirt.  When he asked why she threw the lingerie away, she told him that she never wanted to see it again and that he should find another room to sleep in because she didn’t want him near her.

I was prepared for the worst.  I never expected him to come to me that next day.  I thought that after a few years of living in a sexless marriage, that part of it would take time, but  I know how loving he is and couldn’t imagine his wife not wanting him to at least hold her.  When he saw me, he just held me for a while and thanked me for trying, but he was never going to have a real marriage again.  In fact, he didn’t think he ever had a real marriage.  Like me, they married for all the wrong reasons.  It  happens.

After that, I stopped feeling those little pangs of guilt about being with a married man.  She threw him away, so he was fair game.

 

Cheating Isn’t Always Black and White…There are Shades of Grey – Part 2

When I started this blog, I knew I would get trashed.  It’s inevitable.  This is a very touchy subject and I understand that.  I just wish that people who feel the need to psycho-analyze me and my relationship actually would READ my posts….ALL of them….before trying to pass judgement!

Yes, there are “serial cheaters”.  But sometimes, there are those who cheat because they were emotionally abandoned by their spouses (I’m talking about both men and women here).  So, if one is emotionally abandoned, what do you do?  Do you stay with the spouse, knowing you will never get another hug, or kiss, or kind word?  Do you live in misery for the rest of your life?  Even if you never dreamed you would cheat, if you resigned yourself to the sexless, loveless life you found yourself in, what would you do if you met someone who was willing to give you a hug, or talk to you, or laugh with you?  Cheating is not black and white…there really are shades of grey.  I’ve said over and over again that not all relationships are the same.  No one outside of ANY relationship knows what happens on the inside.  I have no delusions.  I’m sure my guy and his wife DO talk civilly to each other when they have to.  She will always be the mother of his child.  There will always be that bond.  But that doesn’t mean that there is a real marriage there.

When my man and I go out, whether it’s with friends or alone, people view us as the “old married couple”.  We know each other so well we finish each other’s sentences (sounds cliche, but it’s true), we know when to give the other distance, we can make each other laugh.   We hold hands in the car, or when we’re walking down the street.  We steal kisses when we work together.  We know each other’s faults and can call each other on them.

There are waiters and waitresses who know us as a couple and probably would be shocked to know that we’re not married to each other.   If I go to our favorite diner without him, someone always asks about my “husband”.

Is this the ideal situation?  Of course not!  Certainly I would have preferred to meet a nice SINGLE guy, but I didn’t.  I met him.  I didn’t go out looking for a married man, and in the beginning, I also didn’t expect to be in a relationship with him.  That was because he’s so much younger than me.  I didn’t know he was married in the beginning.  Maybe I should have ended it when I found out, but I didn’t.  Things progressed to where we are now and there’s no point looking back.

People are going to judge me whether they know me or not.  I just wish that before judging, they look into themselves and ask those “what ifs”.

Cheating Isn’t Always Black and White…There are Shades of Grey – Part 1

I received a comment today from someone who thinks they know who I am.   This person also feels that they know what my relationship with my married lover is all about.   For the record, I copied and pasted the comment as is.  I didn’t change a word in the original;  just added MY comments.  Here it is (with my comments in bold italics):

Ma’am you are just a piece of tail at this point. And at your age, you should be ashamed for not requiring more of this guy. The reason you are still with this man and allow him to treat you this way is because you have low self esteem. (Can someone my age REALLY be considered “just a piece of tail”?  I guess I always thought of “a piece of tail” as someone much younger.  My bad.  Why should I be ashamed of not requiring more of this guy?  I’m a self-sufficient woman.  I don’t need a man to support me.  My self-esteem is quite good, thank you very much.  I like myself enough to want to spend time with me.) You care about this man deeply and think because he spends a few days a week with you he’s committed- but those no such thing as a 50% commitment- you are being used and he and his buddies are laughing at you even as I type this e-mail.(Yes, I do care deeply about this man and I know he cares deeply about me.  This is not because he spends a few days a week with me.  This is because he shows me every day how much he cares.  I know most of his friends and I can assure you that they are NOT laughing at me.  Well….when we’re all together, we do laugh a lot, but that’s something different, isn’t it?) I guarantee you if you put your foot down and say to this guy, leave your wife and be with me, he would NOT do that and you would be s.o.l.(I know he wouldn’t leave his wife at this time.  I have no delusions about that.  It’s not the right time.  His child is young and needs him there.  He’s very involved in her life and that’s how it SHOULD be.  So, I don’t feel that I would be “S.O.L”.  Let’s continue, shall we?) You’re probably saying “I don’t want him to leave his wife, I like it this way” but the truth is you’ve learned to tolerate it this way because that is all he will allow you.(Really?  I only “tolerate” this because this is all he “allows” me to have?  Yes, there was a point where I thought I wanted him to leave his wife and be with me.  We talked about this.  Right now, it’s not possible.  I don’t tolerate it, I accept it.) It’s embarrassing to be the Other Women- because no one respects you. People view you as the fool, the whore, the homewrecker and you think you’ve got the advantage.(I’m not in the least embarrassed.  You are someone who really doesn’t know me.  Not only do you not know me, or my man, you haven’t read my whole blog.  His family invites me to their homes for birthdays, anniversaries, dinner, dessert and just to play a game of dominoes.  I’ve been there when his cousins and aunts have asked him when he’s going to leave his wife.  They don’t like her.  She has never made any effort to get along with them.  She will not go see them, nor will she let him bring their daughter to see them.  Because of this, his daughter has cousins she sadly does not know.  Is this fair?) You’re probably thinking- “oh his poor wife”(Nope…never thought this at all), but she’s the one with the house ( I have a house of my own), the car (I also have a car that I love), the kids (OMGs!!  I have kids!!!  They’re just not HIS kids, but he gets along with them very nicely.), the life and his balls in a vice (LOL!!!  Yeah…I’ll admit that I have mentioned the balls to him a time or two.  Only I ask if they’re detachable and are put on a shelf when he walks into his house.) and you are a gardener who comes and visits you to rake the leaves twice a week?(Not fair!!!  I help rake the leaves!!!  But seriously, it’s not so much that he does these things for me…we SHARE the work.  If he’s doing work on his cars, I’m there talking to him.  It’s not about him being my gardener…it’s about sharing time.) I am only 29 and I am sure there are a lot of things I don’t understand about marriage, but I do know statistically speaking men most often do NOT leave their wives for the other women- because they don’t have to.(You’re right, you really don’t understand at all.  Divorce is expensive and there are woman who make things far more difficult than they should when it comes to visitation.  I know the statistics.  I also know that if the time comes when I NEED him to live with me for whatever reason, and he refuses, he will no longer be welcome in my home.  But, as I’ve said in other posts, I really do like my alone time.)   The other women is stupid enough to believe that this arrangement is ok and therefore stays engaged in it all the while the guy is living the dream.(He’s not rich.  If he was “living the dream”, he’d be retired in his mansion on the hill.) He tells you “my wife doesn’t understand me, my wife knows I don’t love her, my wife doesn’t sleep with me” all of these are lies (Actually, we don’t talk about his wife much.  She is the mother of his child and I really don’t agree with the trash talk some people engage in.  The only time she pops up in conversation is when he’s so frustrated when he’s not “allowed” to bring his daughter places alone.) - every day he goes home to his wife and tries to make up for cheating on her (He usually gets home very late.  She doesn’t wait up.  I know this….I’ve driven him home the few times his car was in the shop.  She doesn’t even leave a light on for him.) and you are home alone in bed deep down inside hoping that he’ll leave her to be with you (Puleeze!!!  Really?!?!?!  He leaves me and immediately calls me so we can talk on his way home.  When we hang up, I either go to sleep or lie in bed reading, which is something I couldn’t do if he were with me.  If he leaves his wife, that will be HIS choice.). But you better hope that never happens- because then you’ll be his women while sound other lady talks about you- who happens to be his “other women’(IF he ever does leave his wife and moves in with me, I will not make the mistakes that she has made.  I talk to him, I let him vent about work, I actually pay attention to him.). With all due respect ma’am, grow up and stop stealing what doesn’t belong to you (I didn’t “steal” anything.  She let him go.). Find someone who can be devoted to you- you really want that you just don’t think you can get it (I do have someone who is devoted to me.  He just doesn’t live with me.  And, FYI, I get asked out quite a bit. I choose not to accept because, contrary to what you would like to believe, I’m happy.). Good luck

TO BE CONTINUED………

 

 

Do friends accept your affair?

When I first started seeing my married boyfriend, I lost a couple of friends. There was a group of us who met online and the friendships extended to real life. One of the group didn’t approve of my relationship. She had a husband who cheated on her, so she couldn’t understand why I would continue to date this man after I found out he was married. She convinced another of the group that I was not someone to be associated with, so, two friends….gone. I understand why they felt they needed to separate from me and didn’t try to convince them that what I was doing was right. How could I? I wasn’t sure if it was “right”.

As my relationship goes on, I find more ways to keep myself busy. One of the things I did was to sign up for volleyball two nights a week at the local high school. Each night after playing, a few of us would go out for what we call the “after volleyball pig-out”. During the off seasons, all of us try to get together at least once and a few of us will meet for dinner a couple of times a month. Sometimes my guy comes with me, but most times, it’s just a night out with the girls. They all know my situation and they accept it. I’m not saying it was easy in the beginning, but as they see how much time he spends with me, they see that what I have with my guy isn’t all about sex.

The way I see it, if you truly know someone, you know their character. Since my friends know me, they know that I’m not one who would deliberately break up a family. They have also come to know him and they accept us as a couple. None of them feels uncomfortable about our relationship. It’s good to have friends who don’t judge.

Not only do my friends accept him as my boyfriend, but his friends and family accepts me as his girlfriend. We don’t hide our relationship. We go out often and to places that aren’t hidden, so we run into people we both know. So far, no one has asked him about his wife, but they do ask about his daughter. Lately, his sister has started working weekends with us and we get along very well. We are also invited, as a couple, to family events.

I do get questions sometimes about how he is able to spend so much time with me. Honestly, I don’t know how to answer those questions since I’ve never asked him what he tells his wife in order to be with me as often as he is. All I know is that when he’s with me, his wife rarely calls him. He could be gone all weekend and she doesn’t bother calling to see how he is or if everything is OK. She doesn’t care. I guess that’s why he’s with me.