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Am I Really a “Temptress”?????

I was reading a website the other day and saw a post about “the other woman”. One of the comments was about how mistresses are able to “trap” married men in their webs. Did you know that women like me will use expensive French perfume, wear sexy, silk lingerie, have their nails and hair done every week, go to the spa and have cosmetic surgery just so they can lure married men away from their wives? You didn’t? Neither did I.

I was the other woman 9 years ago. I still am the other woman 9 years later. Let me paint a picture of THIS other woman.

Right now, I’m sitting at my computer wearing a ratty pair of boxers (with Marvin the Martian appliqued on one leg) and a t-shirt that I bought at an Army/Navy store about 35 years ago. My hair is pulled back in a high ponytail. It’s a bit humid, so the actual tail is a curly, frizzy mass trailing halfway down my back. My guy called me at 5:30 this morning and by 6:30, I was out taking my daily power walk. I have not had a chance to shower yet. Pretty, right? No….I don’t think so either.

I haven’t been inside a hair salon in about 5 years. My hair care routine is: shampoo, condition, comb, air dry. I’m getting more and more grey by the minute, but I refuse to dye my hair. Every now and then, however, I need a change, so I’ll find an obnoxious color (right now, I have fuchsia in the front and underneath in the back) that washes out eventually.

As for my nails….I’ve had one manicure in my life and hated it! I’ll never go back. I play volleyball, so my nails break. If they do, no biggie….they’ll grow again. If I have unbroken nails for longer than a week, I may put polish on them, but within a day or two, it’s starting to chip. Again….no biggie. Pedicure?!?!?! Forget it! No way!

I don’t think I’ve ever owned expensive perfume, French or otherwise and as for silk lingerie….if it can’t be washed in my washer, I’m not buying it. I do have some lingerie, but not silk and I don’t lounge around in it just waiting for a married man to happen by so I could trap him.

Cosmetic surgery? Ummm…..I rarely wear makeup, so why would I alter anything surgically?

In other words, my web-weaving skills aren’t up to par, so how did I “trap” my married lover? I have no clue! Oh, wait….could it have been that I took the time to get to know him as a friend before any other kind of relationship started? Maybe he likes the idea of a low maintenance woman. Maybe he likes having someone to talk to. He certainly doesn’t want a “temptress” if he’s with me!

My man knows that he can call me, tell me he’ll be here in 1/2 an hour to take me out and I’ll be ready. Don’t get me wrong…I DO dress up every now and then. I may even put on a bit of makeup once a year or so. But for the most part, I’m wash and wear. Some would say that how I’m sitting here now isn’t how I greet my man when he comes by. Well, they would be wrong. The ratty boxers and old t-shirts are my staples. This is how I dress when we’re just hanging out doing things around the house or watching movies. This is how he met me and in 9 years, he hasn’t tried to change me. I have never heard him ask “Are you really going to wear that?” when we go out. He trusts that when we do go out, I will know what I should wear.

I understand the reasoning behind the comments of the woman on that other site. Maybe she found out that her husband was cheating and she needed a reason that didn’t involve putting the blame on herself. Who knows? Maybe her husband did fall for someone who used “tricks” to get him. I know there are women who claim to only date married men, but unless these men are super-rich, and are financing the expensive “props” and cosmetic surgery, I can’t imagine anyone going through all that trouble on their own to trap an average Joe. Instead of that woman looking for traps and webs of the other woman, she should look within. She needs to talk to her husband. For a lot of men, it’s not all about sex and looks. Does she have a guy who just can’t be monogamous, or is she not giving her husband what he needs? The sooner she finds out what’s wrong in her marriage, the sooner she can either fix it, or move on.

It’s Been a Long Time….

As the summer progresses, I’m realizing that the 9th anniversary with my man is coming. Nine years. That’s a long time.

Through the years, I’ve gone from frustration at not being able to be with him, to telling him it had to be over, to wanting him to get our affair out into the open and move in with me, to where I am now, which is pretty much content with the way things are. I don’t know if that’s a good thing, but I’m relatively happy. I say I don’t know if it’s a good thing because I sometimes wonder if my apathy means I just don’t care about him as much anymore.

Actually, after 9 years, I’ve come to realize that we’re not only lovers; we’re also best friends. It’s not that I don’t care about him, it’s that I care more than ever and I’m just more secure in our relationship. It’s been a long time coming, but I’m now in a place where I don’t need him living with me to know that HE cares. Yes….sometimes it feels like we’re kids with a curfew, but as time goes by, the times I feel like this are few and far between. We enjoy our time together and neither of us want to give it up.

Now that it’s summer, we have a lot more time together. We work together on weekends and most weekends, he stays with me. It makes more sense that way. He lives about an hour away from the shop, I’m only 10 minutes away. When a job calls for us to be at the shop by 5:30 AM, being 10 minutes away is a good thing. Also, we don’t end our day until at least midnight most times. After working that long, he’s exhausted, so the hour drive simply isn’t doable. I have no idea what he tells his wife when he’s gone all weekend. I don’t ask because I really don’t need to know. I do know one thing: his wife doesn’t care if he’s home or not.

In the 9 years we’ve been together, we’ve worked weekends together for 5 of those years. In the beginning, he went home after each job. Little by little, he’s been staying with me more and more. When we work, it’s usually at a street fair or some kind of festival. When we work a public event, I used to worry that his wife would bring his daughter to one of them. She hasn’t.

As this 9th anniversary approaches, I think of the progress we’ve made over the years. We’ve had fights, we’ve helped each other when we were sick, we’ve had serious discussions, we’ve worked and we’ve played. I’ve come a long way since the early years when I was so unsure of him and his feelings for me. Over the years, he’s made it a point to show me how important I am in his life. I think at this point in our relationship, he’s the one who’s starting to feel a bit insecure. He knows he can’t stop me from doing things without him and he sees that I’m taking full advantage of our time apart. Who knows…..maybe in another 9 years, HE’LL be secure too.

Happy anniversary!

Vacation time again….back to reality

Vacation View from the Balcony

Last week, I left for vacation with two friends. We had a great girls’ week of sun, fun and relaxation! Usually, when I go away with the girls, it’s with different girls and they only stay for a long weekend, so I’m alone the rest of the week. This vacation, I had no time to obsess over not being able to be with my guy.

When I got my email this morning, there was a comment from “Jen”, who can totally relate to the other woman situation, including knowing that she can never know her guy’s daughter. I think that’s the hardest part of all this: not knowing the one person most important in his life (yes, I realize his daughter is number 1 and that’s how it should be).

His daughter will be 11 soon, and is going through some changes. He called me up the other day while I was lounging by the pool to vent about some troubles his daughter is having with some bullies at her school. It’s a bit strange that he asks my advice on the situation since I’ve never met his daughter, but I’ve been through the school thing and pretty much have experience. True, I have boys, but trouble is trouble and there’s always a good way to handle things and a bad way to handle things. What amazes me the most is that while her teacher complains that the girl is “moody”, she never once mentioned that it COULD be because she’s 11 and is about an hour away from her first period. What is wrong with this picture? When I mentioned that this could be the cause of her “moodiness”, he said that was what he was thinking, but didn’t mention it because he figured the females at the meeting would blast him for blaming hormones.

Anyway…my guy’s daughter is very important to him and he is involved in every aspect of her life. If she has some sort of event on a Saturday, which is usually my full day with him, he goes to HER event. We work together on weekends during the summer, but if there’s something of importance happening in his daughter’s life, he doesn’t work that day so he could be with her. When he’s with me, he always takes time out before his daughter’s bedtime to call her to talk about her day and to say good night.

When I feel guilty, it isn’t that I’m taking him away from his wife; his wife doesn’t care that he’s not home. I feel guilty about taking time away from his daughter. As I’ve said, she’s the most important person in his life, and it’s hard knowing that I can’t know her (at least not at this time). I do hope that some day soon, I could meet her and get to know her.

After 10 years, I’ve learned to make the best of the situation. When I think about it, I really kind of have the best of both worlds. On one hand, I have a man who helps me with work around the house, who takes me out at least once a week, who hangs out with me just watching movies and who is a great lover. It’s like I have a rent-a-husband; he’s here until bedtime, then he goes home. We also talk a lot. We’re on the phone probably more than anyone I know, married or not. On the other hand, I have a lot of free time to do as I please. I have girls’ nights out and girls’ vacations. I play volleyball and take daily power walks. If I can’t sleep at night, I can turn on the light and read or watch TV without worrying about waking someone up. I don’t have to answer to anyone about what I buy. Even though I cook for my man, I don’t do it every night. When I’m on my own, sometimes I don’t even bother cooking; I’ll just make a sandwich when I’m hungry. I go by MY schedule.

Yeah, there are times when I get lonely, but with friends, pets and hobbies, there really isn’t much time to be lonely. I don’t need to be with someone constantly. I’m just recently beginning to realize that I like my alone time.

Being the other woman isn’t easy. We don’t just have him at his best. I listen to him rant about work, he asks for my opinion if he has a problem with his daughter (after all, I DO have two sons that I didn’t kill during the teen years, so I’ve been through it all…..alone), I get him when he’s tired, I get him when he’s not feeling well, I get him when he’s cranky after a long day at work. It’s not all peaches and cream, but we work through things. Is this a forever thing? I don’t know. But right now, I think I’ll keep him.

How does family fit in?

I don’t think any woman plans on having a relationship with a married man. I also don’t think that any woman plans on a one night stand with a married man. I know being with a married man wasn’t on MY list of “Things to Do” (no pun intended).

In the beginning, I didn’t know that the guy I was interested in was married. He didn’t exactly lie, but he omitted that bit of information. Lies of omission…just as bad as an actual lie and 8 years later, I’m still reminding him of that. Yes, it takes me a while to let go of things.

OK, so here we are, 8 years later. I’ve known for 7 years that he’s married, yet I’m still with him. Why? Because we love each other and our relationship, for the most part, works. There are ups and downs, but isn’t that true with any relationship?

Little by little, over the years, I’ve heard stories about his wife. For the most part, she’s not a very nice person. I don’t say this because it’s what he tells me. I say this because I hear it from others who know her, mostly, his family. Apparently, from the beginning of his relationship with his wife, she alienated him from his family. He has a 10 year old daughter that most of his family hasn’t seen in years because his wife refuses to go visit them. She also refuses to let him bring his daughter to visit. Personally, I don’t think this is very fair to his daughter because she has cousins she’s never met. There isn’t one person in his family that will say anything nice about this woman. From what I understand, she also didn’t like his mother and made it very difficult for him whenever he went to visit her while she was dying.

There have been some changes in the past couple of years. First of all, he actually visits members of his family. Sometimes he goes alone, but most times, he brings me. When they invite him, they ask him to bring me. When they see me, they give me big hugs and kisses and treat me like part of the family. The other day, we were at his aunt’s house and one of his cousins asked why he was still living with his wife when it’s obvious he’s not happy with her. His answer was that he needs to be there for his daughter. During this visit, his aunt brought out her antique dominoes set and we played for 2 hours. His visits have become the talk of the family. They hadn’t seen him in so long except in passing, that they’re thrilled that he’s coming around again. They miss him and blame his wife for his absence. It’s really nice seeing my guy reconnect with his family. He’s happier, they’re happier and all is good.

It’s NOT a piece of cake…

Being the other woman isn’t easy. Some people think that it’s a piece of cake because we only get him or see him on his “good” days. We don’t have to be with him constantly or deal with his moods. In a way, that’s true, but then again, it’s not true.

In my case, we’re together a lot. This past weekend, we worked on my house. We had been discussing moving my bedroom to the back of the house where it was originally. I’m a bit torn on this because I got used to having my “cave room”. All the pros he gave me for moving made sense (especially since the only closet in my house is in that back room, so I won’t have to walk through the house to get at my clothes), so I decided to go for it. We decided on a color scheme and went out to get paint. When we got back, I got to organizing things in my kitchen and he started fixing cracks in the walls and priming.

After an afternoon of working, we went out to eat, then came home to pop in a DVD. Well, we worked hard all afternoon, so as soon as the movie started, I fell asleep and he wasn’t too far behind. He woke me up around 12:30 with hot chocolate and a donut. The dogs were walked and all I had to do was drink and eat. We hung out and talked for another hour, he left and we talked on the phone until he got home.

I’ve been with him when he’s happy. I’ve been with him when he’s upset. I’ve been with him when he’s beyond pissy. No, I don’t only have him on good days. It works both ways, too. He’s seen me in all my moods and clothing styles. He’s seen me thin and he’s seen me fat. It’s good times and bad times and everything in between. And I don’t feel that I’m lucky to not have to live with him.

If you want to be married or if you want your man to be with you all the time, do NOT date a married man. I never understood how a woman could say she preferred being with a married man. If I knew he was married in the beginning, I wouldn’t be with him. We have a normal life together, except when he has to leave to go home. I would love to have him with me, but right now, it’s not possible.

Will I get tired of living this way? Possibly. When I do, then I will make the decision to not be with him. Until then, I’ll take as much of him as I can get.

Where is he now that I need him?

This is the week from hell. I’ve mentioned that I was just returning to work after a month off. The reason for this is that my boss wants me gone. Long story, not for this blog. Bottom line in this is that my boss wants me gone and she’s made this week the worst week of my working life.

I realize today that this is the end of my job. I need my man to be with me because tomorrow, I have to face this boss from hell knowing that by the end of tomorrow, she will either fire me or make it so impossible for me to be there that I quit. I’m trying not to do that because I really DO need a job, but the woman is seriously insane.

As I’ve said, I need my man here. He was here when I got home and we went out to dinner. We came home and watched Wipeout (best game show EVER!!!), which I needed because it always makes me laugh. When that was over, he took my dogs out for a walk, then it was time for him to leave. This is a night where my life is at a turning point and I need him, but now, I’m here left to deal with all these screwed up feelings alone. I could use a hug, but can’t get one. He’s still sick, I’m sick and both of us need rest so we could go to work tomorrow. That means he goes home and I stay alone. I’m tired of dealing with issues alone. I’m sure this is a problem many women with married lovers face.

Is it worth it? Sometimes, I think it is. Sometimes, I think it’s not. First thing’s first: I need to concentrate on not letting my boss get to me to the point where I walk out. When this issue is done, I’ll think about what to do with the married lover issue.

Happy New Year

Every New Year’s Day, I go through the same thing: I try to decide if I want to be alone another New Year’s Eve/Day, or do I end this relationship?

My man was here the other day and when he left, he told me he would be here on New Year’s Day. It would have been the first time in all the time we’ve been together that we’ve spent this day together. I didn’t know what time he would be here, but usually, he’ll call me as he’s driving down. When he comes here, we go out to breakfast, so I didn’t eat. It was about 12:30 when he called from his phone (not a good sign). He’s not feeling well, running a fever, and he’s not coming. Not only is he not coming, he also said that he probably wouldn’t be going to work next week. I didn’t take it well. Basically, I hung up on him.

Am I being unsympathetic to his being sick? No. I understand that people get sick and it’s beyond their control. The problem arises that tomorrow, he’ll be “well enough” to entertain his sister and her boyfriend. Also, if he kept the promise to me that he would be with me, this wouldn’t be an issue. He’d be here. The other problem arises that he says he won’t be going to work all week. Why is that a problem? It’s a problem because before he left me last weekend, I asked why he was being so nice and how many weeks will it be before I see him. He told me that he would be down during the week and then it will be back to work, so I would MAYBE not see him for a few days. Enter Blizzard of 2010. By the time he got here, it was Thursday. That’s when he told me that his sister invited herself over for Sunday and we went to get the groceries for the dinner he was going to be making for them. That’s also when he told me that he would be here on Saturday (today). Now, he’s sick. Not only that, but I now feel that I screwed up his plan to be all romantic and sweet so he could prime me for his news that he was taking not one but TWO weeks off of work. Once I asked how many weeks I wouldn’t see him, he had to come up with Plan B.

I don’t think he does this to purposely hurt me. I seriously think that being a male, he’s naturally stupid. He feels that if he doesn’t tell me something, it can’t hurt me. We’ve had this conversation. It doesn’t sink in.

See, he knew how much I needed to be with him this weekend. I think I’ve mentioned that on Monday, I’ll be going to work for the first time in over a month. I’m not looking forward to it. The day and week are going to be hell. My boss is certifiably crazy and the only reason I’m still there is because in this economy, no one is hiring full time. If I could work full time in the local Stop N Shop, I’d give my notice in a flash! Screw the salary. It’s close and I could walk. He knows how I feel about this whole thing and he still made no effort to get here.

This is a BIG disadvantage of seeing a married man. He’s never around when you need him.

Sucky year end

I’ve been on a hiatus from work for about a month. You’d think I would see my man more, right? Wrong. Just as I was getting my break, HE was going back to work after being out for a year (work related accident). For him, going back to work was a highlight. Workmen’s Comp isn’t all it’s cracked up to be and money was tight. Now that he’s back at work, a financial load is lifted.

I have another week to go before I go back to work. Can we spend this week together? Nope. It’s winter break at his daughter’s school! Because he hadn’t worked in a year, a sitter or day care is out of the question, so my guy took a vacation week (which he had to use or lose) to stay home with his daughter. Normally, he would be with me at night. Not this week. Why? The blizzard of 2010 hit! He’s snowed in and can’t get here. I’m snowed in and can’t get anywhere.

Times like this are hard. When he goes to work and it snows, he stops by here after work and we shovel out together. We work as a team. When he’s off from work and it snows, he’s not here. Which means I get to shovel out alone. Our relationship is such that we are there for each other and help each other as much as possible. When he’s not around, I miss that.

Holidays

So, the holidays are upon us. This was the first year that I have been with my man on Christmas Eve AND Christmas Day.

The holiday I celebrate is Winter Solstice. My man and I work second jobs together and this year, the holiday party for that job was held on the Solstice. It’s a family owned business, so most of his cousins were there.

Christmas Eve, he surprised me by coming down to go to his aunt’s house. He hasn’t been to his aunt’s annual holiday party in years. His family can’t stand his wife, she can’t stand them, so she has refused to have anything to do with them. I know most of his family, they like me, I like them, so I went to the party with him. Our relationship is the worst kept secret of the family. They know I’m his girlfriend and accept the situation. I guess most people would find this odd. It is.

Christmas Day was another surprise. He stopped by at night after his daughter went to bed. I wasn’t expecting him, so I was in the process of cleaning when he got here, which meant that my room was ripped apart. Poor baby couldn’t even sit down, but he hung out and talked to me. He even pitched in a bit.

This weekend is New Years. We’ll see if he makes an effort to see me.

The holidays have been difficult. First there’s Christmas, then New Years, then Valentine’s Day. It’s the triple whammy. His daughter expects him there for all three of these holidays. This means, I don’t see him. This also means that I go through the annual “Is this really worth it” discussion with myself. The thing is, he’s good to me all year. He surprises me with presents, he takes me to dinner at least once a week, we go on day trips, we do housework together. We really don’t need a holiday to show each other we care.

Even so, the holiday I miss having him around the most is New Years Eve/Day. Just once, I’d like to spend that day with him. It would be so great to be able to end the year and start a new year with him.

Disadvantages

Right now, I’m going through a really rough patch at work. Let’s just say that it has nothing to do with job performance, but rather how I was born. ‘Nuff said on that, but this is showing me a big disadvantage to being the other woman. No one to vent to.

Tomorrow, I’ll be in a fight for a job that I love, but no longer want to go to because of the way I’m treated by the three people in charge. They are making my life a living hell. Why fight? Because, like everyone else, I need a job. I need money to live. Tonight, I need a shoulder to cry on and an ear to vent to. Tonight, I’m alone. This is Sunday. Sunday is the day my guy stays home to do work around his house while spending the day with his daughter. Sunday is her day and it doesn’t really matter if I need him or not. I need to find other ways to relieve the stress.

First thing this morning (which was pretty much first thing this afternoon), I had my tea, then went out for a LONG power walk. I seriously considered signing up for the 5K walk/run they had in my town, but last night was a high school get together and got home late (with a Corona buzz) and couldn’t even think of an organized walk at 9 AM (I really did try…set my alarm and everything). I then talked to a couple of friends, did some cleaning and now it’s time to relax.

So now, I’ll probably just read for a bit because I know I’ll never be able to get to sleep. This is the time I need that ear. I’ve gotten used to this. This isn’t how I wanted my life to be, but if I want him in my life, this is how it has to be. Like I’ve said in earlier posts, my guy does a lot for me and with me. I understand that he needs to spend time with his daughter. The problem is that right now, he can’t be with both of us at the same time.

Don’t get me wrong….I like alone time. It’s just that there are times, like tonight, where it would be nice to have him here to try to tell me everything will be OK tomorrow.