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It’s Been a LONG Busy Summer!

Hi, all!!!!

I can’t believe I haven’t posted here since the beginning of July!  I’ve been so busy, I haven’t even had time to think about things here.

Anyway…all is well in my world.  Like I said, we’ve just been really, really busy!  The summer was full of street fairs and private parties and in between those, we’ve been trying to fix up a rental apartment.   My son finally moved out, but now I have to pretend to be a REAL landlord and get things “renter friendly”.  Not many people would like my kid’s color-scheme (black bedroom, red kitchen and dark blue living room), so my guy and I have been painting, plastering and dry-walling the place.   Thank goodness I’m not in a rush to do this!!!  I’ll be gone most of December and I’d rather not have strangers left alone in the house.

Yes, I’m still with my guy.  I’m sure some have wondered about that since I’ve been silent for so long.  In fact, last weekend, we worked our last Halloween party of the year (every year, I get to be “undead chick” in the casket), so tomorrow, we’re going to re-start the painting.  Yep.  Being the other woman is just SO glamorous!

Now, let’s get caught up:

In July, I was a phone-in guest on the Jennifer Keitt Show based out of Atlanta.  I had never done anything like that and had no idea what to expect.  Personally, I don’t think it went well at all.  Another guest on the show was a friend of Jennifer’s who wrote a book titled “The Mistress Code”.  She was an in-studio guest.  I was asked for my story, which I gave, but I wasn’t given an opportunity to rebut what this other guest (who came on after me) said.  According to her, I was breaking “The Mistress Code” by sitting at home making myself available to my guy any time he wanted me.  She said that I wasn’t living my own life.  She came to this conclusion because I mentioned that I see my guy almost every day.

Obviously, this woman nRehobeth Beach 1ever read my posts, and if Jennifer Keitt read them, she didn’t contradict her friend’s assessment of my situation.  If my posts were read, they would clearly see that while I do see my guy just about every day, I certainly do live my own life.  He knows my schedule for volleyball and I let him know when I will be out with the girls.  In fact, a couple of friends and I just went to Rehoboth Beach, DE to check out the outlet malls and Dogfish Head Brewery!  I also have plans with these friends to be in Key West for New Year’s Eve!  Aside from the weekly volleyball, my friends and I take at least one night a month to do a girls’ night.  Doesn’t sound like I’m sitting home waiting for him to call, does it?  I didn’t realize that I wouldn’t be given a chance to explain all this.  It was pretty one-sided on both sides, which really wasn’t right.  But…live and learn.

There were street fairs up the wazoo all summer, so my weekends were long.  We had to be at the shop by 5 AM to load the trucks, get to the gigs and set up to be ready for start times.  If a street fair is over at 6 PM, we wouldn’t get out of there until at least 9 PM (break-down is tough when you are trying to pack thousands of pounds of rubber), which meant home around 1 AM.  Needless to say, there weren’t many “romantic” weekends!!!  LOL!

But, as busy as we’ve been, we still make time for each other even if it’s just an hour or so after he gets out of work.  He still calls me every morning and after work, so we get to catch up with each other that way.

I need to end this here now.  I’ve been up since 5:30 AM and I’m exhausted!  If anyone has any questions, just send along a comment and I’ll answer as soon as I get it.  Good night, all!!!

 

What If…..?

Lately, I’ve been feeling like I need a change.  A new hair color or cut won’t do it…I mean a REAL change.  Maybe it’s just winter talking, but I’m miserable now that it’s cold out.

Every now and then, I go through periods where I feel like I need to move down to my Florida condo permanently, but once I focus on the “no four-legged pets” by-law, I change my mind.  When I had one quiet dog, I could hide him for a week when I went to visit.  I’d throw him in a backpack and even if I ran into someone in the elevator, they never knew he was there.  I’d take him out of the pack a block away from the building for our walk, then put him back in the pack just before we got back to the building.  It was nice and easy.  Now that I have two dogs, unless they change that by-law, I’m screwed.   OK…so it’s not just the dogs; I also have 4 bunnies and I’m not giving up any rabbits’ feet.  The only “legal” pet I have is a ball python, but would I piss off the condo gods when it was time for his “dinner party”?  All I need is for one of the old fogies to see me coming home with 5 white mice.

Anyway…every time I thought of moving to Florida, I thought Lauderdale condo.  Something changed on this last vacation:  I realized that if I sold my house in NJ, I could actually buy a condo in Key West!  This little epiphany hit me as my friends and I were walking down a side street in Key West and I saw a house with a “For Sale” sign in front.  DUH!  Yes…people LIVE there!!!!

Actually, I think this may be the only part of Florida that I would be absolutely at home in.  I did my research.  According to statistics, the hottest day on record in Key West was 97 degrees in 1880 and the coldest was 41 degrees in 1981.  Considering where I am now, we’ve had some weeks where the temperature has been over 100 degrees or below 20 degrees.  Hurricanes, you say?  HA!  For some reason, the keys aren’t really hard hit.  Yes, there have been some, but I could always plan to be out of town when a big one is set to hit.  I could deal.

My guy has been working long hours rebuilding the plant he works at after Hurricane Sandy destroyed much of it.    There never seemed to be a good time to discuss my “possible moving situation” with him, but I made the time the beginning of January (new year, new plans).  He knows I’ve been miserable here for quite a while (none of it having to do with him) and that I would be selling my house in the near future to get out from where I am.  The thing is, he always thought that I would be moving closer to where he lives, which is in the sticks.

January 4, I sat him down to tell him that I will NOT be moving to the middle of nowhere alone.  I told him that the only way I would consider moving closer to where he lives would be if he moved in with me.  If he couldn’t figure out a way to make that happen, then I would be looking in Key West unless he could find me a nice little house in a small town that I fell in love with.

He knows that this is going to take some time, but he also knows that I plan on going to Florida this year to spend Christmas and New Year’s Eve in Key West with some friends.  At that time, I’ll be looking at some properties that I will have picked out from online sources.

I don’t know if he would be able to make a move out of state with me right now because of his job.  I can’t ask him to leave a job with a good pension to follow my dream.  But, he also knows that I’m serious.  I didn’t give him an ultimatum; even if I move, we can try a long distance relationship, but he will have to make an effort to come down to see me every now and then.  I’ll still have one son in NJ, so I’m sure that I’ll be back every now and then, too.

During the year, we’ll be having these little talks about my move because he tends to think that if he ignores the issue, it will go away.  He needs to be prepared for when it actually happens.  Right now,  I feel that there are more opportunities, job-wise, down there for me.  If I can swing it, I’m ready to go.

So…we’ll see where this year takes me.  Right now, things will stay the same with me and my MM, but he has some thinking to do.  I’m not going to push; he has to figure things out on his own.  If he thinks a long distance relationship will work, that’s fine by me.  I could be perfectly happy in a new place.  Besides, I’m sure that by living in a paradise like Key West, I’ll have plenty of visitors!!!

The Delusional Other Woman?

It’s been a long, busy summer for me.  This is pretty much the first time I’ve had a chance to sit down and post.  Sorry!

I have been reading all the comments sent to me, and I’m glad that there are some married men commenting.   It’s nice to get some feedback from these guys, but from some of the comments, I really don’t think they grasp that not all men in an extra-marital relationship are the same (even though some commented on the post “Are All Cheating Husbands the Same?”).

I, for one, am not delusional when it comes to my relationship.   I know that even though his wife must know about me, yet hasn’t yet confronted him, that could change at any time.  I have never been told by my MM that his wife has no clue.  I guess his home life is run like the military; don’t ask, don’t tell.   Yes, I believe she does know because I can’t see how she DOESN’T know, but I will not encourage him or anyone else to throw our relationship at her.   She obviously likes living in her cocoon, safe from having to live on her own.

I received a few comments from a Former MM.  I’d just like to address some of the things he said.  While I agree with some, I do not agree with others.  He seems to lump all men having relationships with other women in the same category.

Former MM says (His comments are in bold, my responses are next to his, but in italics):

Unless the MM is suffering from some mental issues, he will exhibit some very classic traits that when viewed all together.. will likely have the wifes gut screaming.. Even if she has no concrete proof of an affair.. She will eventually know something Is up

1. Phone never leaves the side. Password protects everything  (his phone is with him at all times.  His job requires it.)
2. closes computer window when wife comes in room  (he absolutely HATES computers!)
3. Reduction in intimacy    (his wife rejected him time and time again.  This is what eventually made him turn to me.)
4. Will be snippy to downright snarly with her and kids  (can’t say.  I’m not in the home, though I know she is “snarly” with him.  I never heard him talk snippy to his child)
5. Goes out and is unaccounted for or unreachable for hours  (he’s reachable by phone always.  Even when he’s with me)
6. Changes appearance  (didn’t happen.  Neither of us thought to even ask the other to change anything)
7. More grooming. Manscaping becomes a thing.  (Ew.  No way)

While this may be true for some, it’s not true for others.  (Good…some acknowledgement here)

Affairs never happen in a vacuum. Emotional states will shift, and patterns of behavior will change. While I did eventually confess to my wife, she had been on to me for months. She just didn’t have any proof… yet.

Just because your MM says their wife is completely unaware.. don’t believe it.  (I have never been told she doesn’t know)

Another comment went on to say:

Actually.. I think the overwhelming majority of MM in affairs are basically the same. I guess that was my point. Save for a few minor details someones MM is not that special snowflake. The ugly truth is that they almost all behave in a similar manner. I have seen how myself and others have acted and there are a lot of very stark similarities.

The common lies.
Staying for the kids  (This happens more times than a lot of people realize.  It’s not right, IMO, but it’s what the MM needs to do if he feels it’s right  for the child)
Spark out of the marriage.. its over.  (It happens.  In this case, he tried to make things work when his wife first told him she didn’t want to be touched in any way)
Sexless.. no intimacy.  (Again…this happens more times than is realized)
Separate rooms/beds  (My guy has his own room)
My spouse is cheating on me.  (Not something I was ever told)
I’ll be filing for divorce once we’re in a better place financially.  (Another thing I was never told)

Some of these points may actually be true. But they are still excuses. If life were really that bad.. they would get the divorce.   (Not really.  I’ve seen what some people do to drag out a divorce just so more money is spent.  The only ones winning are the attorneys)  The fear of remaining in an unhappy marriage has to surpass the fear of the unknown of the divorce.  (It’s not fear of the unknown.  It’s fear of his child being taken away, emotionally if not physically) Many of those points were true for me.. but while I wasn’t particularly happy.. it wasn’t terrible  (That’s your case, not all)

Your man stays with his wife because he wants to. Not because I know him, but because I know human nature. People always behave in a manner consistent with their desires. There are options. Uncomfortable and sometimes downright painful options but they are there. He has you convinced its all about his daughter, THAT is the point I don’t buy.  (And you have every right not to buy it.  However, I know this is the truth.  He’s there for her.)

Your “Man”’s daughter is in her teens. Sure, his wife could be a major pain in the backside, but denying visitation? Not bloody likely. Not at this age. There are just too many ways to communicate and facilitate meetings.   (You are forgetting one important  point:  how does a man stop his ex-wife/wife from brainwashing the child against him?  Are you so naive as to think this doesn’t happen?)  Yes.. I have seen enough claims of abuse being made, but the courts are not blind to the context. The burden of proof would be on her. And do you think the daughter would back those claims up?  (No one said anything about abuse.  But the mother has poisoned the child’s mind against his family.  I have no doubt she will do the same with him.  I’ve heard some comments the wife has made to the child about him and it’s not pretty.)

There were some other statements made that can be read in the comments section.  I just find no need to kick a dead horse by giving responses again….

I did see you mention in another post that you don’t think he’s cheating on you. But truly.. what do you think that the odds are.. that within the last 10 years or so.. that he hasn’t had sex with his wife? Yeah.. no desire for intimacy,.. I heard that part. Month? Sure. 6 months? umm.. ok. Year? Yeah.. not buying it. I have seen some pretty combative, toxic and seemingly indifferent relationships where sex was still happening. Bottom line.. I still think he’s having sex with her. I’ll buy not very often, but in 10 years? Ill stick with the odds on that one.  (Here is what leads me to believe Former MM hasn’t read all of my posts.  It’s not my guy who stopped having sex with his wife; SHE no longer wants to be touched.  It happens.  Some women go through the motions of liking sex, but they don’t.  They will use any excuse not to do it.  I know when I knew my marriage was over, every night, I would “fall asleep” on the couch knowing that my husband wouldn’t bother to wake me to come to bed.  You can believe what you will, but I know in my heart that he’s not cheating on me with his wife or anyone else.  We have discussed this, and he did confirm that in the beginning, when our relationship was just an affair, she would consent to sex once in a while.  It got to be too much of a chore to even ask, so after about 6 months or so, he stopped asking and she never offered.)

Regardless.. I don’t see how you would give people help on being the OW, when even in this outlier of affairs that you claim to be in, its hardly an ideal relationship. We all go into any relationship knowing.. that one day it may end. If we are truly happy.. we would like that it wouldn’t.. but that is the reality of a relationship. However, most of us aren’t in a relationship where the Sword of Damocles is so prominently positioned above their head. Hardly something to strive for.  (Any relationship could end at any time.  Does that mean we should never try?  At any given moment, life could step in and give us all a blow.  Not  perfect?  No.  But what relationship is perfect?  Anyone thinking this is the delusional one.)

My OW used to say.. and I believed her.. that the most painful thing for her was when I left her to go home. It sparked many a row between us. Why she settled for me in the relationship we had is beyond my comprehension. Similarly.. why you settle for this is equally beyond my comprehension.   (In the beginning, I used to feel lonely when he left.  Now, I find that I have just as full of a life when he’s not with me.  I meet with friends at least once a month for girls’ night.  In fact, some of these friends will be coming with me on vacation soon.  Do I miss him when I’m away?  Not really.  After all, he calls me every day.  This is my time to do things that I don’t do with my guy.  Nothing wrong with that.   Besides, I really do like my alone time.  I don’t feel that I’m settling for anything.)

So, even though this Former MM feels that I’m settling and being cheated on, I know he’s wrong.  That may have been true with his OW, but I know my situation is different.  EVERY situation is different.  I am luckier than most OW because I have a lot of time with my MM.   also have a lot of time alone.  I’m happy with it either way.

How Not to Get Caught

I would never  advise someone to go out and purposely find a married man to start a relationship with.  That being said, this is real life and sometimes, things happen.

When you’re with a married man, there is always a chance that you’re going to get caught, and getting caught brings on unnecessary hurt to the spouse.  This hurt extends to any children that the couple may have.  No matter what the situation is at home, no woman wants her husband’s affair made public.  Maybe friends and family aren’t aware that there’s trouble in the marriage.  If her husband gets caught in an affair, it may force an action that the wife isn’t ready, or willing, to make.

I’m in the process of writing a book on how not to get caught.  Before I finalize it,  I was wondering if any of you out there have specific scenarios you would like to see covered in it.  If you have any ideas, just send over a comment!

Thanks!!!!

In the Beginning…..

The relationship my MM and I have is NOT typical.  Most relationships like ours is limited to maybe one day a week, sometimes less.  I have the advantage of seeing my man almost every day.  It wasn’t always like that, though.

In the beginning, I would see him once a week when he came to work in the garage he rented.  This was before we actually had a relationship.  It was at a time when we were getting reacquainted as friends.  Even when our relationship turned into a romantic one, we still only saw each other once, or maybe twice a week.  Back then, we didn’t go out.  Our world consisted of my little patch of property.  We got take-out and watched movies.

I always knew his family, but didn’t spend time with them.  Our contact was usually just a wave in passing.  I never saw him visiting them, with or without his wife and daughter, so one day, I asked him why.   His wife refused to to see them, even though, at the time, they lived only 2 miles away.  She never liked his family…and there was a bit of an issue when his mom passed away, so she used that as an “I told you so” kind of thing.   He stopped talking to that side of the family.  I convinced him that they really weren’t bad people and it was time he got to know his aunts and cousins again.  That’s when our world expanded to include his aunt’s house.

I knew that he was unhappy with the school system where he lived, and that he was looking to buy a house, with a yard for his daughter, in a town where there were no gang problems, and the schools were highly rated.  I told myself that if he bought his wife a house, I would end our relationship.  I couldn’t grasp the idea that he was buying the house for his daughter, so she could have a yard to play in.  Obviously, his wife was moving in too, and that bothered me.  I couldn’t understand why he would want to further tie himself to a woman he claimed to no longer love.  When he finally did find a house, I told him that I was done.  I made sure I wasn’t home on weekends so there was no chance of running into him.  I wouldn’t answer my phone when he called.  This lasted about a month.

One day, I came home from work and he was here waiting for me.  We had a long talk about how I was feeling and how he was feeling and we both realized that without meaning to, we fell in love with each other.  This was about 2 years into our relationship.  Our world was still only this tiny area.  We didn’t even talk on the phone at this time.

A few years after he and his family moved into the house, we were talking about how it sucked that if we were having a good conversation, we had to end it when he had to leave to go home.  He told me that if he could, he’d call me all the time.  I decided to test that, so I got him a phone on my cell family plan.  I really never thought he’d call as much as he does.  That’s when our morning and evening commute calls started.  He would also call me when I went on vacation.  Every time he had a break at work, he’d call to find out what state I was in (I drive to Florida twice a year…alone).

On one of my vacations, I was in the pool with a couple other condo owners and we were talking about restaurants.  One of the guys was there alone because he had to come down on business and his wife and son couldn’t make it because of school.  He asked if I had ever gone to one particular restaurant, which was his favorite.  I hadn’t been there, so he asked if I would go with him the next night.  He was having a craving for their duck l’orange and he was leaving in two days.  :-D When my guy called later that day, I told him about the next night’s dinner plans.

Dinner was great and the guy I went with had no expectations of any “after dinner activities” (which was good because I know his wife and son).  The following morning, my guy called and asked about dinner.  I told him about the place and what we had and then we moved on to discuss other things.

I got back from Florida a couple days before my birthday.  On my birthday, my guy came over with a present and told me to get dressed because we were going out.  He took me to my favorite steakhouse!  We had been together for almost 5 years, and we were laughing that this was our first “official” date.  The present was a really pretty necklace with two hearts, one inside the other, and a diamond.  As we were in the middle of dinner, he leaned over and touched the hearts and said something about how the larger heart was his heart protecting my heart…sappy, but sweet…and when he finished his little speech, I looked at him very seriously and said, “That’s sweet and all, but, I still don’t f**k on a first date.”  I should have waited until he swallowed that sip of Coke…..

After that first date, we decided that we needed a date night every week.  Once a week turned into dinner almost every night.  On date night, we go to a nice place where we have to wear grown up clothes, while on the other nights, we’ll just go out for hot dogs, hamburgers or wings.  We have our regular places and the servers all know us as a couple.  We go to the local Dunkin Donuts so much that they know what we want without us having to say anything.

In those first years, there were the discussions about why he can’t be with me if he’s so unhappy with his marriage.  I would tell him it was over, he would convince me that we belong together.   The worst part of it was his vacation time.  His daughter deserved a fun vacation even though her parents didn’t get along, so every year, they all go on a family trip.  I’m still not happy with that, but, it is what it is.  Even when he’s away, he brings “our” phone and calls me whenever he can.

I don’t even remember when it happened, but there was a time when I realized that I actually liked our arrangement.  I got my bed to myself.  I could come and go as I please.  If I wanted to go shopping, I didn’t have to OK it with anyone.  I don’t have to either lie awake tossing and turning or leave my bed to go to another room to read when I can’t sleep.  I don’t have to clean up after anyone else (even though HE does most of my housework).  I can cook when I want to, not because I HAVE to.

The one thing that I regret to this day is that I don’t know his daughter.  Whenever she has some extracurricular activity that he goes to, I wish I was able to go.  We’ve had talks about what will happen when she finally does find out about me.  Personally, I think she’ll resent me.  He thinks differently.  I worry about how she’ll react when she finds out that her childhood has basically been a lie.  I worry that she’ll grow up thinking that it’s “normal” for a married couple to not share a room, or show any affection to each other.  I went through that when I was a kid and it wasn’t easy to get over it.  It took me a long time to be able to openly show affection for someone.  Some therapist is going to make a LOT of money!  It’s sad, but I can’t tell him what to do when it comes to raising his child.  I also feel bad that she has cousins she doesn’t even know, but that’s also not up to me.

All in all, we’re happy.  He does realize that I may not be around forever.  Who knows what the future holds?  I could decide that I don’t want to be left out of the little things anymore.  I also realize that if his wife decided that she’s had enough of him not being home that he could end it with me rather than chance losing his daughter.   It’s been a long journey getting to acceptance, but I’m there now.  I’m not “settling”…I just decided to stop stressing over what I can’t (and don’t really want to) change.

 

 

How Does Your Married Lover Split Valentine’s Day?

Today is Valentine’s Day.  My man’s daughter had already told him that he needed to get home right after work because she had a surprise for him, so I made plans to work all day, then make myself some poached salmon for dinner.  After that, I was going to get to bed early for a change.  Didn’t happen.

My man calls me every morning at 5:30 when he’s on his way to work.  Sometimes I’m awake because I’ve been working all night, but sometimes I talk to him when I’m half asleep.  Today was one of the latter days.   I got to sleep around 1 AM, so at 5:30, I still wasn’t ready to be awake.  He was annoying the hell out of me…asking me if I walked the dogs yet.  Telling me to get up and walk the dogs.  I finally dragged my tired ass out of bed, got into some sweats and got the leashes on.  I got outside and there was my guy!  He took the day off so he could spend the day with me, yet still be home after work to spend time with his daughter.

He brought me chocolate covered strawberries and a card.  Once the dogs were walked and I got into some real clothes, we went to breakfast.  After that, he fixed my washer, then we took a nap.  The poor guy works so hard and he hardly ever gets a chance to just relax and do nothing, so that’s what we did for a couple of hours.  We were all napped out, so we went out for lunch.  We hung out for a bit, then he left for home and his daughter.  All in all, it was a good day.

This was totally unexpected.  I don’t really do Hallmark holidays, so this was something different for me.  It was a nice different, though.

I may not have worked all day and I didn’t have my poached salmon, but I can STILL get my ass to bed early!!!!  Happy Valentine’s Day, all!

Why Is He Still Married If He Really Does Love Me?

Lately, I have been asked the same question over and over again:  If he loves you so much, why is your man still married?

What’s the problem?  You talk to your spouse, tell him or her that you no longer want to be married, you discuss child support and/or alimony, you discuss visitation, you hire an attorney and the rest is waiting for the Judge signs the papers, right?  WRONG!

The reality is that there are some spouses who , even though they no longer want their partners, will not make things easy when it comes to divorce.  I have worked for attorneys for years, and I’ve seen a lot.   Custody, visitation and child support could all be agreed on and papers finalized, but visitation is still controlled by the whims of the custodial parent.  True, when visitation is denied, it could be brought back to Court, but that would involve more legal fees each time it goes before the Judge.

I am the perfect ex-wife.  When I got divorced 26 years ago, I made a promise to myself that I would let my kids’ father see them whenever he wanted.  All I asked for was a little bit of notice.  I also promised myself that I would never talk bad about him when the kids were around and could possibly hear.  I figured that if he was as much of an ass as I thought he was, in time, the kids would see it for themselves.   I’ve kept those promises.  At the time, I wasn’t working and was granted temporary alimony for a year.  After 6 months, I got a job, so I told my ex that he didn’t have to pay the alimony any more.   I didn’t want him, so why would I want him to support me?  The only thing I asked for was child support.   Not all women are like me.   There are some who will not want their husbands, but they also don’t want to see those husbands happy in another relationship.   They will fight tooth and nail to try to ruin the men financially.   They will take every opportunity tell the kids how “bad” their father is.   This isn’t fair to the kids and it’s not fair to the dad. 

While my man is still married, he is only supporting one household.  He can see his daughter every day and he is involved in her life.  If he was divorced, he may not be told about school concerts or father/daughter dances or any other event that he should go to.  One day, when he was with me, his daughter called him to ask if he could take her to a fishing contest the next day.  Her mother took the phone from her, said “Your father doesn’t have time for you.” and hung up the phone.   He was furious!  The one thing he’s always done is make time for his daughter.  When he got home, he woke her up to tell her that not only would he take her fishing, but they would also go out for lunch afterwards.  This is while he’s living with his wife.  I’d hate to think what his wife would have said if he wasn’t living there.  I don’t understand why people try to hurt their children like that.

Will I ever demand that he divorce his wife?  No.  That’s not my place.  He needs to do what he feels is right.

Do I wish he wasn’t married?  Of course!  I don’t like seeing (or hearing about) him being put down.

Do I feel that I’m “second best” or “settling” for a part-time relationship?  Not at all.  He’s with me a lot.  We have a good relationship that isn’t all about sex.  He’s my best friend as well as my lover.  We’re more of the married couple than he and his wife are.

Would I recommend dating a married man to anyone?  HELL, NO!!!  Not every other woman sees her man as much as I see mine.  Even though a relationship with a married man can work, it’s hard.  There’s a lot of time alone and there’s a lot of hurt.  Also, how do you know, especially in the beginning, that he’s being honest with you about his marital situation?  After all this time, I’ve learned that my man really is being honest with me, but it took a long time to fully understand that.

I’ve heard some women say, “He told me that he’s filing for divorce next week”.  OK…fine…then wait a week and SHOW ME THE PAPERS!!!!

 

Being in Public with Your Married Lover

Being Out In Public

I don’t know how many “other women” have as much time out with their men as I do, but I’m sure some do.  My man and I go out a lot.  Some weeks, we go out to dinner at least 4 times.  Besides going out for dinner, we stop at the local DD for coffee just about every day.  The people we see in our every day lives think we’re married.  It’s kind of crazy, but we have this interesting kind of vibe that people find amusing.   There was a guy standing in line in front of us at DD the other day and before he left, he turned to us and said, “I love seeing you guys in here….you always make me smile!  Just looking at you both, and the way you joke around with each other, I could tell that you’ve been married a long time.”  Uh, huh.

We get that a lot from people we see often.  Waiters, waitresses, cashiers….they always ask us how long we’ve been married.  Earlier today, I told my guy that just once, when someone asks if we’re married, I want to say, “I’m not married, but HE is….”.  I wonder what kind of reaction we would get.  Could be interesting!

We definitely don’t try to hide.  Of course, it helps that his wife is at home about an hour away from where I live.  Whether we’re at home (my house) or out somewhere, we are always ourselves.  We’re actually kids in adult bodies.  We play around alot.  He’ll pull my hair like a kindergartener and when he’s not looking, I’ll whip my braid around and smack him with it.  We joke around with each other about really dumb things and we both LOVE to people watch!!!  If I see someone strange, all I have to do is gently nudge him or subtly lean into him, and he knows exactly who I’m looking at.

When he got out of work today, he came to get me and we went to the recycling center.  His town doesn’t have one, so he brings all his stuff to my town once a month or so.  He had two bags full of newspapers, one big, one small.  I figured I’d get them into the bin while he was getting rid of bottles, so, there I was, trying to carry these two bags.  He came up behind me and said, “Let me help you with that…” and grabbed the smaller bag.  I just shook my head, started laughing and called him a “dick”.   Two older men who were walking past us just started cracking up.  One of them said, “That’s the way to do it.” and the other one looked at me and said, “He may be a dick, but I could tell you love him anyway.”  (BTW…he’s not really a dick.)  Anyway…like I said….people find us approachable, I guess.

Over the weekend, we have been invited to go bowling with his aunts and cousins.  It’s a family tradition of 50 years to take one of the cousins bowling for her birthday.  It started when she was 7 and continues now that she’s 57.  He can’t bowl because of an old shoulder injury, but he’ll watch us all and keep score.  We’ll be going to a local bowling alley where he knows most of the people who hang out there.  Obviously, he doesn’t care who sees him with me.

All of this is what he doesn’t have with his wife.  I know this not because it’s what he tells me, but it’s what his family and friends tell me.  I feel bad that his daughter can’t see us together.  What she sees at home are two people who barely talk and who only interact when they have to.  If they all go shopping together, he walks ahead with his daughter.  His wife doesn’t really talk to either of them when they’re out in public.  It’s really sad, when you think about it.  I feel that a child should see his or her parents laughing with each other and playing every now and then.

Even though we go out all the time, we’re not stupid about it.  We aren’t about to go somewhere that his wife’s family or friends would be at.  That would just cause his wife a lot of humiliation and hurt (even though she pretty much threw him away, nobody wants to see someone you are or were dating or married to having fun with someone else).  We’re not cruel.  We will not throw our happiness in his wife’s face. We will continue on as we are right now.  It’s not all fun and games, we have our fights.  In fact, right now, I don’t like him very much, but I like him more than I did earlier in the week.

I guess it all depends on what the man’s (or woman’s) marriage is like.  My man’s wife doesn’t care that he’s not home, which gives us the chance to be together all the time.  Going out with a married lover is possible.  It just needs to be done so no one is being hurt.

Holiday Time with Your Married Man

The holidays are here.   This time of year can be very challenging when you’re in a relationship with a married man.  This is especially true if there are young children involved.

When your married lover has young kids, don’t expect to see him on holidays.   Thanksgiving, Christmas, Chanukah, Halloween, even New Year’s Eve and Day, Valentine’s Day, Easter and any other “family days” all belong to his child.  Actually, I think I’d worry about my man’s character if he DIDN’T want to spend these days with his child.  Think about it.  If a man is willing to ditch his kid on Christmas, what will he do to you???  Even if he is with you on Mother’s Day, if he can disrespect the mother of his child by being with you, how can you expect him to respect YOU?

Today is Christmas Eve.  My guy’s daughter is in a Christmas pageant at their church.  All the CCD kids need to participate, and he will be there supporting her.  Tomorrow, he will spend the day with his daughter and since she is off from school until after the new year, he took the week off from work to stay home to watch her.  He has vacation time, his wife doesn’t, so he does this every year.

Now, how do I handle all this?  Well, we made our own “holidays”.   Yesterday was kind of like “Festivus” (thank you George Costanza!!!).  The other night, we went food shopping and we bought the makings for Friday night dinner.  What I didn’t know is that he was planning on surprising me by taking off from work and spending the entire day with me.  He called me at 5:30 as usual, but at 6:00, he was already hanging up the phone (normally, we talk until 6:45 or so).  The next thing I knew, my dogs were barking like crazy and he was coming in.  That’s when I surprised him:  I told him that I had afternoon plans with friends to play miniature golf!  He understood completely since he knows I wouldn’t blow off my friends at the last minute.

So, after sleeping in, we went out for breakfast and some last minute shopping, I went with my friends, then when I got home, we started making our dinner.  We work really well together in the kitchen.  After pigging out on prime rib, garlic mashed purple potatoes and fresh string beans with slivered almonds, we  just hung out watching a movie.  I love “holidays” like that!  No pressure….nothing to do but enjoy the day.

I will see my man during the week when his wife is home to be with their daughter.  I’ve been told that we have “things” to do.  A few of his cousins have invited us over to spend some time with them, so we’re going to make the rounds.  Then, next Friday, we’ll have OUR New Year’s Eve.

When you think about it, making your own holidays is perfect!  There are no crowds to deal with (unless you forget there’s a “real” holiday and try to hit a mall!), no limited menus if you plan on going out for a nice dinner and no inflated prices.  Tradition is what you make together.  Our tradition is just hanging out.  You may say that we do that all the time, but when I make a regular weekly dinner, I don’t usually make something like prime rib.  Also, we normally don’t have the entire evening devoted only to each other.

Yeah, there are trade-offs, but if you love each other, you make it work.  Next year, though, I’m sure that if he’s going to take a day off to be with me, he’ll tell me about it well in advance!

 

Why Would Anyone Want a Married Man?

I don’t think any woman wakes up one morning and says to herself, “Gee…I think I’m going to go out and find a married man to have an affair with today.” Think about it…who would want a man who cheats?

I realize that my situation is probably different than a lot of other affair situations. I was friends with my man before taking the leap into having an affair. I had known him for about 20 years. True, I had lost track of him for a while and didn’t realize that he was married at the time we got reacquainted, but when we did see each other again, we started a friendship. For about a year, he was very careful not to mention the fact that he had gotten married during the time I hadn’t seen him. If I had known from the beginning, I have no idea what would have happened. I know we would have had a great friendship, since we have a great friendship now. As for becoming romantically involved with him, I honestly don’t know. During the friendship, if he had told me about what was happening in his marriage, the relationship may have progressed to what it is now, or maybe not. All I know is that it happened. Do I regret that he wasn’t honest in the beginning? Of course. I would have liked to have been able to make an informed decision as to where our relationship was going.

In the beginning, I ignored all the signs. I never even thought that he could be married. He worked 3 jobs and I was always doing things with other friends and such. We were both busy people and it just made sense that most of our contact was at my house where he rented a garage. Besides, he spent so much time by my house that I wouldn’t have thought a wife would put up with it. He was here all day on Saturdays and a lot of nights after working one job and before he went to his other job.

During the years, I’ve gone through being so mad at him for lying that I never wanted to see him again, to realizing that I wanted to be with him, to giving him ultimatums, to finally being at peace with the situation. The ups and downs were insane, but I got through them. That poor man has been yelled at by me so much, sometimes it surprises me that he’s still around!

My situation is also different in the amount of the time we spend together. There aren’t that many “other women” who have this much time. I have Saturdays and most weeknights. We don’t hide. We go out all the time, we work together, we go visit friends and family together. I haven’t heard of many men who are having affairs that will bring their mistresses to visit their relatives.

My advice to anyone thinking of dating a married man (or woman) would be: DON’T DO IT! Well, at least not right away. Take the time to know the situation. Does his wife love him? Does she believe he’s happy in the marriage? Does she make time for him? I would also try to find out if he’s ever had another affair. There are some serial cheaters out there. I know for a fact that my man has never before cheated on someone he was with. I know that his wife doesn’t care what he does or where he goes as long as he pays the bills. I also know that he hasn’t cheated on ME. He wouldn’t have the time. We spend so much time together and even when he leaves, he’s on the phone with me. I’m his “commute entertainment”. He calls every morning as he’s driving to work, then texts me during the day on his breaks, calls again when he’s on his way here after work, and calls the minute he leaves me so we can talk until he gets home. Not all affairs are like this. Some women are lucky to get one night a month with their married men.

So, if you’re thinking it would be great to be with a married man, think again. There’s a lot of craziness to go through before you come to the “happy place” I’m at right now. I know we sometimes can’t help who we love, but if the one you love is married, it’s so much harder. If you do decide that the one you love is worth it, then just keep your eyes open. Also, don’t sit around waiting for him. Keep busy. Go out and have fun. His life doesn’t stop when he’s not with you, so why should yours?