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Why Can’t His Wife Try to be Civil with His Family?

People have asked me in their comments “How do you know his wife doesn’t care?”  Well, the past few weeks have been awful and her lack of caring is perfectly clear.

My MM’s 50 year old cousin was diagnosed with cancer about 5 years ago.  Last week, she lost her battle.  We had spent the last two Saturdays visiting her in the hospital.

Before they were married, my guy and his wife (then girlfriend) lived in the same house as this cousin, so they knew each other well.   I knew this and asked when he and his wife would be going to the viewing so that I would not run into them there.  He told me that I would be going with him to the wake and funeral because his wife would not go to either.  I was pretty much stunned by this.

This was a woman who did nothing but try to be friends with his wife, but his wife wouldn’t give her a chance.  She hates everyone in his family, and they grew to hate her because of it.  The one person who loses in this situation is their daughter, because she has a whole family she doesn’t know.  She doesn’t want to know them because her mother has poisoned her mind when it comes to his family.

So, we were at the viewing as a couple.  I sat with the family and walked his elderly aunts to the ladies room to make sure they didn’t fall.  After the viewing, one of his cousins and his 95 year old Aunt Ruth met us at a diner for a late supper.  My man stayed with me that night because the funeral was going to be early the next day.

No one asked about his wife; it was expected that she wouldn’t be there.  Do I find it odd that his family accepts me like they do?  Of course I do!  They never all his wife if they need help with anything and they never call to invite her over, but they call me at least once a week to come over and play board games.

Yes, my relationship with this MM is so different than any other that I have heard of.  We are always out in the open; never hidden.  It’s not always like this when dating a married man or woman.

I’m glad that I’m accepted and I’m glad I got to say “good-bye” to a wonderful woman.  One thing I feel bad about is that his wife, the one who SHOULD have cared, didn’t.  She should have put her feelings about his family aside for this.  I also believe that his tween daughter should have been there to at least pay her respects and meet her cousins.

RIP, Kathy…you were a wonderful friend and mother.  You will be missed.

Things I Don’t Get……#3

Here it is, Wednesday night and my guy just left. We were having a great night, just hanging out, and around 9:00 he went to call his daughter (as he does every night when he’s not with her). When he came back to me, I could tell that he was upset about something, so, I asked what was wrong. He told me that his daughter asked him if he could take her to a church fair the next night and before he could answer, his wife grabbed the phone from his daughter, said, “Your father doesn’t have time for you.” and hung up on him. This really upset him and it also upset me.

That was just so wrong on so many levels. First of all, I don’t care what the circumstances are, you NEVER talk bad about the other parent! This only makes you look like a fool. This is a woman who had a good man and basically threw him away. He’s doing what he needs to do for his daughter. He’s never denied his daughter anything. If she asks him to take her somewhere, he takes her. He’s never said “no” to spending time with her, so mommy’s comment was totally uncalled for. I suggested that from now on, he should tell his daughter to go to her room and turn on her cellphone at 8:30 whenever he’s not home so he can call her without being interrupted.

I never understood trashing the other parent. What’s the point? Does it make the trasher look good? Nope. I know the situation is far from ideal, but this is what happens when you decide to ignore your husband. How long do you think he’s going to be happy without affection? How long will he be happy without someone to talk to? How long will he stick around without someone to have fun with? So now, why are you bashing a man who is trying to balance his life between making himself happy and making his daughter happy?

My guy goes to every school function, takes his daughter fishing, takes her to county fairs, helps her with homework, goes to her school if there’s a problem that needs to be addressed….he’s there for her when she needs him. She knows that she can call him at any time and no matter where he is, if she needs him, he will go to her. How dare her mother try to tell her that her father doesn’t have time for her?!?!??!

It’s times like this where I wish I could go to her and ask what she’s thinking. I understand that she has a cheating husband and in all probability, she knows this, however, she’s the one who threw him away. What was he supposed to do? Stay faithful to someone who wanted nothing to do with him. After 2 years of being ignored, he turned to a friend (me) and we became lovers. In the beginning, I actually tried to get him to save his marriage. I asked him if he was doing all he could to make things better. I gave him suggestions. It was too late for them. She wanted to be left alone and she got what she wanted. It’s now time to lie in that bed she made for herself.

He’s now happy when he’s with me, and he’s with me a lot. His wife has a house with a REAL yard, she has her bills paid, she gets to go on vacation with him, she has him to do all the yard work, she has him to take out the garbage, she has his health insurance and she will get his pension and SSI if something happens to him. I have none of these things. I have him for a few hours a night, 3 or 4 nights a week, and all day Saturday.

My guy’s wife has the freedom to do whatever she wants. If she wants to go out with friends, he’s there to watch his daughter. If she wants to go shopping, he’ll stay home with his daughter and pay the bill for the shopping when it comes in. What she does with her time is up to her.

Yeah….not an ideal situation. Not ideal for anyone involved. But, as I’ve said, he really does try. He’s a good father and he’s always thinking of his daughter even if he’s working and can’t be with her. I’ve also trained him pretty well in the not speaking bad about his wife when his daughter is around thing. He knows my feelings about that. Right now, I don’t get why she can’t give him the same consideration.

So, all you wives out there (and husbands, too)…..no matter what, never, never, NEVER talk trash about the other to your children. Why would you want to try to make your child feel that one of his or her parents is a deadbeat, especially if that parent’s actions say otherwise? Why do you want to confuse your kids like that? Your kids aren’t stupid. If your spouse (or ex-spouse) is as bad as you think, the kids will see it for themselves.

I know it’s hard, but sometimes, as parents, we need to put our feelings aside and do what’s best for our kids.

Things I Don’t Get #2

Do you want your husband? Do you love him? If the answer to these questions is “No”, then why do you force him to stay? How can that be enjoyable for you?

Being the other woman isn’t an ideal situation. My man doesn’t talk much about his marriage, which I think is a good thing. I take that as a sign that he doesn’t want to be the stereotypical cheating husband who is constantly badmouthing his wife. Every now and then, however, he snaps.

Every now and then, his wife will tell him she wants a divorce, but when he mentions visitation with his daughter, his wife tells him that won’t happen. Why? This is a woman who blames everything on his not being around, so why would she make it difficult for father and daughter to see each other in the event of a divorce?

I am the perfect ex-wife. I didn’t ask for anything except for child support (which was $25 per week per child) and temporary alimony ($50 per week for 6 months, which I told him to stop paying as soon as I found a job). In my divorce papers, it states that my ex will have visitation on Sundays from 9 AM to 7 PM. It also states that he can see his kids whenever he wants, as long as he calls first. It goes on to state that he could take them any weekend he wants and can be with the boys for 2 weeks to take them on vacation. Bottom line here: I know that it’s important for kids to bond with their father, so I didn’t stop him from seeing them….EVER.

I also made a promise to myself that I would never say anything bad about their father if my sons were anywhere near me. I always thought that if he was as bad as I thought, they would see it eventually without me pointing it out. In other words, I was a grownup (go figure).

In light of this, I don’t understand why a woman would purposely and maliciously keep her child from being with his or her father if said father is loving, attentive and interested in being with the child. I don’t understand women who find the need to badmouth their exes to the kids. What does this accomplish? From what I see, the only thing it accomplishes is making the mother look like a fool when she’s proven wrong.

In my case, my man’s wife has to know he’s seeing someone. He’s hardly ever home. He goes home to be with his daughter and to sleep. I really don’t think she cares, as long as she has a house, a yard, paid bills and time for herself, yet she will use her daughter as a pawn in a sadistic game designed to punish her husband. Again….why? Let him go. Why do you make things so difficult for him? Do you hate to see him happy? Don’t you want to get on with YOUR life, whether it’s alone or with someone else?

I really don’t get it. You had a good man. You ignored him. When you weren’t ignoring him, you were treating him badly. He was miserable. All you had to do was show him that you wanted him. You didn’t do that, so he turned to me. I’m not asking that he leave you. I understand his commitment to his daughter, which also means his commitment to you. He doesn’t want to leave you stranded. I know it must be difficult for you to accept that someone else is making him happy, but what have YOU done to make him happy? If you had made an effort, he wouldn’t be with me.

I guess what this all comes down to is this: if you don’t want your husband, let him go. That doesn’t mean you have to divorce him. Sometimes, divorce isn’t possible for financial reasons. Just let him live his life. If he’s a good guy, he won’t stop supporting you. All he wants is a chance to be happy and to be able to do things with his child. Don’t keep them apart.

Things I Don’t Get….#1

There are many things I don’t get when it comes to my situation. One thing I don’t get is: If you love your husband and want to keep him, why did you alienate him?

My man is a good man. He does his best to support his family. All he asked for in return was some attention and affection. He got neither. As soon as his daughter was born, things changed. His wife no longer wanted him to touch her. Not just in a sexual way, either. She stopped wanting him to kiss her or even hug her. She told him that her doctor told her that the birth turned off a “switch” in her, which triggered an early menopause, that made her lose all interest in any form of affection.

I’m not buying it. True, I’m not a doctor, but I’ve never heard of such a “switch”. I know that some women DO lose an interest in sex during menopause, but I’ve never heard of any doctor telling a woman to just accept it because nothing can be done to help. This is a woman who is older than her husband by a few years. How could she expect him, at the age of 35, to accept that not only will he never have sex again, but he also will never get to cuddle or be kissed?

After a few years of being rejected and hearing excuses, he turned to me. I guess we got reacquainted at the right time. Our relationship started out as a friendship. In the beginning, there was no sex. It progressed slowly from talking, to hugging and kissing, then finally to sex. When I found out he was married, before I went any further with the relationship, I told him to try to make things work with his wife. I had been through having kids myself and know how tiring it can be. But I also know that kids sleep, and that leaves mommy and daddy alone time to do whatever: watch a movie while snuggled up on the couch, have a romantic dinner (candles and takeout will do), put on some sexy lingerie and see where it goes….

OK…so I suggested he try to make things work with his wife. When his daughter was born, he bought his wife some lingerie that she never wore. She told him that when they got a house, she would wear it, so he went home one night and laid it out on the bed. She went to the bedroom and he gave her some time before he went upstairs. When he got to the bedroom, the lingerie was no longer on the bed, but it also was not on his wife. She was in flannels, said she was tired and wanted to sleep alone. HELLO!!!! Your man TRIED to do something nice, and you reject him? That was when he started sleeping on the couch. She’s never asked if he was ever coming back to the bedroom. She’s also never tried to be affectionate towards him.

I get that having and caring for a baby is tiring. I did it myself….TWICE….with a man who never helped. He was like my third kid. My ex-husband never came with me to doctor’s appointments (pre-natal or pediatrician). He only agreed to be in the delivery room with me because I wanted to have natural childbirth and told him that if he wouldn’t be there, I would have a gay, male friend with me who was very excited about the birth. My ex-husband never gave either kid a bath, never fed them, never changed a diaper, never came with us to the park. To this day, even as my kids are grown, he does nothing. My older son lives 4 hours away from his father and my ex has never made the effort to see where his son lives. I had to do it all: cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, childcare. My man is not like that. He was there in every way: at doctor’s appointments, helping with feedings, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping. His wife didn’t appreciate any of it. Now, he has me. I appreciate all he does for me (and he does a lot).

He still does all the work around his house and takes care of his daughter when his wife goes out. He cooks for his daughter and brings her special treats. You may ask, “What good is it? He’s never home!” He’s home when he’s needed. He’s home every Sunday to do chores around the house. He’s at his daughter’s school for special events. He participates in every Father/Daughter event. If he’s not home before her bedtime, he calls his daughter to talk about her day and to say good night. His daughter knows he cares about her.

So, I really don’t get how a woman, who has a good man, just throws him away.