Are All Cheating Husbands The Same?

I hear from a lot of wives who try to tell me and my readers that what their husbands did to their “OW” is what is happening to us. I also have comments from former “OW” who feel that their experience will also be our experiences. It seems that no one is understanding that not all relationships with married men are the same.

I fully acknowledge that there are some guys out there who don’t care what lies they tell as long as it gets them laid. There are also women out there who are more then willing to believe these lies, whether they are the wife or the mistress. I would think that this type of man would get what he wants, then move on to the next “conquest”. I would also think that this type of man wouldn’t last long with a mistress if there were some weeks that were “sexless”.

I think what we, as OW, need to remember is that we are not the wives. I’m in my relationship around 10 years now and even though we have a strong bond, I know that things could change and I could be gone from his life. Even though I’m sure that his wife knows he’s seeing someone, I feel that if someone went to her to tell her they saw the two of us together, she would give him an ultimatum. He would then be forced to choose between me and seeing his daughter. He would, of course, choose his daughter. I’ve been prepared for this. I have to be. If I become too comfortable in this relationship and feel that there’s no way he could ever leave me, I will be open for a whole lot of added hurt if he does. Maybe this sounds pessimistic, but it’s not; it’s realistic.

Relationships of any kind sometimes don’t last. Best friends from childhood grow apart. Friends from high school go to college, find jobs and move away. College roommates move on. Males and females will have a few significant others before they find “the one”, and sometimes even “the one” turns out to be only temporary. It’s a fact of life. Being the other woman is a totally different situation. Not only do we have to worry about our men growing away from us, we also have to think about what happens if the wife finds out. Preparing for the worst is just a matter of emotional survival.

There are many women who, when in a relationship, will stop seeing their friends. This is especially true for women in relationships with married men. Sometimes, the friends don’t agree with the relationship, but rather than agree to disagree, the OW will simply end the friendships. Sometimes, it’s not a matter of friends agreeing or disagreeing; it’s a matter of wanting to be available when their married lover calls. None of this is right. When you choose to end friendships, you’ll be spending way too many nights alone. Everyone needs time to be with friends. We all need to cut loose every now and then; have a few drinks, see a movie, go to dinner. They’re a good support system when we’re happy, and even better when we’re miserable.

If you are always available to your man, whether he’s married or not, he will come to expect you to always be there. Don’t be afraid to make plans. A few times of being unavailable will let the man know that he either needs to make plans with you in advance or realize that he’ll be spending the night alone. One thing ANY woman should look out for in a man is if they ask her to choose him over her friends. This isn’t a love issue…it’s a control issue. Run.

Yes, there are men out there who have loving wives waiting for them at home. They tell their wives that they’re working late, or going away on business trips. Their wives don’t question them because they buy them gifts and are very attentive when they’re home. These men feel that they need a little “variety”, and it’s not hurting anyone as long as he’s not caught. He’s living a lie and it doesn’t bother him one bit.

In my case, my man married for all the wrong reasons. He worked in a bar and she was a “bartender groupie”. She went to the bar every weekend, they got to talking and then started partying together. Since he worked all the time, she came over one night and didn’t leave. After a while, they realized that they wanted to start a family, but she needed to be married to do that (which is understandable). They got married, she got pregnant. The partying stopped. Once the party was over, they both realized that the partying was all they really had in common. When the baby was born, she became over-protective to the point that he wasn’t “allowed” to do anything for the baby except go out to buy diapers and formula. To this day, he isn’t “allowed” to bring his daughter anywhere alone. His wife claims he’s a “dangerous” driver, even though he’s never had a traffic violation. I’m used to driving, so I’m kind of a control freak in a car, but I feel perfectly safe when he’s driving.

My married lover isn’t some scumbag just out to get laid. He’s been with me when I’ve been overweight, when I’ve been underweight, working, unemployed, happy or miserable, sick or well….we’ve been through it all. He’s with me when I need him. We are more of a “married couple” than many married couples that we know.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that no one should judge anyone else’s relationship. What happens to one may never happen to another. But then, if you are the other woman, just prepare yourself for anything.

Be Sociable, Share!

31 thoughts on “Are All Cheating Husbands The Same?

  1. Thank you for this site. My MM and I have been together for 9 months, with an additional wrinkle – he lives in a different timezone. We met online, and have never been together in person, but have developed a loving relationship from a distance. He told me he was married early on, but since it’s long distance, there was a bit of “where’s the harm?” involved. Now, this far into it, things have deepened significantly and the distance, rather than the wife, is becoming an obstacle.

    His reason for not leaving the wife? A daughter.

    Our reasons for not moving closer to one another? I have a child too, and we both have solid careers and roots where we are.

    Our evenings together are bittersweet, filled with longing and just as much love. It’s entirely possible that the whole thing will flame out before we ever meet in person and have a chance to consumate the relationship, but for the time being, this is something we both need and treasure.

    So. An “emotional affair” by the definition of the term, I think, but only because of the distance. I have no doubt it would be physical were we in the same locale.

    I just wanted to post to thank you and say that being an OW has other flavors that I don’t think have been discussed yet. And no, not all cheating husbands are the same, any more than all married husbands are the same. Every relationship is different because every person and every situation is different.

    I love my MM very much, and I know he loves me. Our lives are filled with complexities, his marriage being only one factor. Being “together” helps us both cope with the things we need to cope with, and the pain of being apart is far outweighed by the joy of being together in the ways we are able.

    When you write about feeling terrible that your man isn’t able to be there for you at certain times when you need him, I’m actually so jealous that you get to see him at all!

    :-)

    Best wishes.

  2. I guess I just have a question….if he’s lying to his wife, then how do you know these things to be true that he has told you? I mean, you may have proof, I don’t know, but was curious. I understand he would tell the mistress a sad story and not that everything is fine at home because he like to have his cake and eat it too?

    I’m not saying you are wrong, I was just really wondering why he would be hones with one and not the other? I can’t get my head around this. He tells me the reasons he is still with her but I don’t know why he wouldn’t lie to me too?

    • Hi, Dana….

      If you’ve read all of my posts, you will see that I don’t take his word for anything. My man really doesn’t give me the old sob story about how his wife treats him like garbage and that she doesn’t want him. We had that discussion when I found out he was married, and it does still come up every now and then. I know he’s being honest with me because of what others close to him tell me (without my asking). His sisters have told me they can’t stand his wife and that she treats him terribly. One of his nieces recently graduated and he and I were invited to the party. The niece told him to leave his wife home.

      I have never asked my man what he tells his wife when he’s gone so much. I don’t even know if she asks. What I do know is that when he’s with me, his phone is on and she doesn’t call him unless it’s to “remind” him that it’s garbage night and he needs to put the trash to the curb whenever he gets back (apparently, that’s too much of a chore for her).

      Do I believe that ALL married men with OW are as honest? No, I don’t. I know there are some men who do lie to everyone just to get all they can. How do you tell if this is what a man is doing? I have no clue. But, I think I would be wary of a man who constantly talks bad about his wife when he’s with his OW.

      I know that my situation is far different than most. Not many OW are treated like family by his family. Not many OW see their men as much as I see my man. We are together, even if it’s just for an hour, just about every day. We spend time with his sisters, nieces, cousins and aunts. I have had some of them tell me that they haven’t seen him so happy in a long time. This is how I know I can trust him.

  3. I have been reading your blog and finally decided to comment because I have no one else to talk to. First off I want to say how refreshing it is to find women going through the same thing.
    I want to start off by saying I am a 25 year old women with not much experience in serious relationships, I have had one serious relationship with my ex-fiancé that lasted only 5 years, until my boyfriend now. My boyfriend isn’t married but has been in a commited relationship with the mother of his child going on 7 years now, and I have been with him for almost a year already. When we first met he did not tell me that he had a partner, let alone living together. He did the exact opposite and told me he was single. I had no reason to doubt him because he spent time with me, we spoke on the phone regularly and at all times, until I got an email from her. She asked me if I knew he had someone, and I told her to talk to him. Since then he has been open and honest with me saying that he is in an unhappy relationship, he wants to leave her, etc… I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and wait for him to move out of her house because he assured me we were in this together. Now I want to tell you my relationship with this man is a lot like yours. I see him 5 days a week, he sleeps over often, we go grocery shopping together, run errands, helps me financially when I need it. I am his emergency contact. He evens acts as a stepfather to my daughter, they occasionally go on outings on there own, and he was the one who helped me potty train her, etc…
    Now I know that he loves me, and he wants to leave her but I think he is afraid of what she may do to him financially, and also what she may tell his son. Since he has expressed him wanting to leave she has been turning his son against him saying things like “your daddy doesn’t love mommy anymore”. He is afraid of leaving his son.
    I tell him to let me go, and that I will be ok, and if that’s what he is afraid of then I won’t judge him I just can’t live my life like this anymore. We are so amazing together and are the best of friends, and are literally already committed to one another, but I feel like I’m waiting for my life to start with him. He tells me he doesn’t know how to let me go, and he never has loved anyone like he loves me, and that I make him want to get married and have children. I just don’t like what this relationship is doing to my self esteem, and I am not sure if he is serious about leaving her. It seems every time there is a family function they attend together, yet according to him they don’t communicate at all? I don’t understand, please give me some direction, and what can I do? I’ve given several deadlines and he has bypassed all of them nothing has changed. Keep in mind he openly confessed to having “one night stands” with other women during his relationship with her (she has cheated as well) but I am the first emotional affair that he has had. He says he doesn’t consider himself cheating on her because he is dedicated to the relationship that he has with me. Is it really the financial and parental obligations that make him afraid of change or is it something else?

    • Hi, Mary….

      Call me crazy, but I guess I don’t get why your man and his baby-mama would want to stay together if both have cheated. As for hurting him financially, there are child support guidelines, so technically, she can’t get more than he could afford. Since they’re not married, he won’t have to pay alimony.

      I understand the deadline thing. I’ve done it too. They don’t work. What does work (mainly for my sanity) is keeping busy. Also, my man knows that if I meet someone I want to date, I WILL date! Also, plan some “girls’ nights”! Go out and have fun without him. It won’t make him want to leave her and be with you, but you won’t be sitting around waiting for him either.

      What happens between your man and his baby-mama is just that….between them. They’re the ones who need to sit down and have a long heart-to-heart. If they have both cheated on each other, and it’s a well-known fact, then they need to discuss why they’re still together. I don’t know why this is a problem since if this is how it is, they obviously need more than they’re getting from each other. He is a father, so he’s entitled to visitation. He also has to pay child support and help with any daycare expenses, health expenses (which would mostly be covered by his health insurance) and the little incidentals like Little League registration. To make things absolutely clean, an child support/visitation agreement should be written up by an attorney. There can also be something written in there that prohibits either parent from talking bad about the other if the child is anywhere where he or she could hear. Of course, that doesn’t guarantee it won’t happen, but, if they each do what they’re supposed to, love the child unconditionally and be there for the child for all occasions, then the person trash talking will look like the “bad” one in the child’s eyes. Telling a child that “daddy doesn’t love mommy anymore” really isn’t bad-mouthing him. I don’t know how old the child is, but he can always tell him or her that even if he doesn’t love “mommy”, that doesn’t take away from his love for his child. Kids are smart. They may not realize what’s going on immediately, but in time, they figure things out. Your man might also consider asking mommy why she’s saying that if SHE has cheated also.

      Your man is the only one who can tell you how he feels. You two have a lot to discuss and HE has a lot to discuss with mommy.

  4. I stumbled across your site and am SO thankful that I did!!

    This isn’t a reply to your blog but instead just a THANK YOU for starting something where us OW can have a non judgmental place to seek advice, tell our story and just be ourselves!

    I’ve been the OW in the past, but that was easier before. My current relationship started about 3 – 4 months ago. Right now things are magical! I’m struggling with the fact that I can’t be with him more often but aren’t we all…lol. I get to see him 3 or 4 times per week for an hour or so each time.

    My struggle right now is figuring out my feelings. We get along great, and the sex is amazing! I can’t fall in love because he has made it clear that he won’t leave his wife right now because of their 3 young children. At the same time, I can’t imagine ending it and going on without his companionship. So…for now, I will just enjoy it I guess.

    Thanks again for creating and maintaining this site!!

    • Carrie…

      It amazes me how many people (OW, wives, husbands) have found this site. Thank you for your comments. I wish you luck!

  5. Hi there,
    I heard about your site on a breakfast radio, and I admit initially got a tiny bit judgmental but curiosity got the better of me and I thought I’d read your blog first before I started getting overly bitchy!

    Firstly, I’m a wife and mother. I’ve been married for 12 years and it hasn’t been perfect (then again what in life is perfect other than your child!

    • Wife & Mum…

      I’m intrigued….breakfast radio?!?!?? Oh, my! In the US or the UK?

      Thank you for saving the judgments for after you read the blog. You will see that I don’t actually think that being the OW is an ideal situation and don’t tell anyone to go out and look for a married man so they can screw up a marriage.

      I’m not sure if you finished your thought, or hit “Send” by mistake….feel free to let me know what you think once you’re done.

      Thanks!

      • Darn stupid iPad lol sorry I was adding more to it!
        Breakfast radio in Australia! Sydney actually lol
        Oh so I was just saying that I read your whole blog from start to finish whilst making beef stock (as you do!) and it started getting on my nerves how all these married women and men were sitting on their high horses and being so rude to you and all “other women”. I dont think anyone chooses this but you are where you are .. life deals us with things and you learn to cope with it.

        All I wanted to say was thank you so much for educating me – I understand now .. I wanted to wish you and your man all the love in the world and for your futures xx

        • Thank you so much for your kind comments! I wish there were more people like you who actually read the whole blog before passing judgment.

          I’m just shocked that my site was mentioned on the radio in Australia!!! LOL! Go figure!

          Thanks again!

          • Lol yeah crazy right? I think we might be out of “interesting” stuff to talk about on breakfast radio lol

            Awww you are most welcome. I was raised to learn not to judge cause really I’m not God or the powers-that-be :) Maybe I’m young (32 is young damn it!! lol) and naive but you only get to judge others when you are 200% perfect yourself!

            I do wish people take the time to read this first .. and really not all “Other Women” fall into the “hussy” (lol – I can’t think of another word!!) category. You are obviously not with your married man for his money or power as such but sadly society automatically pigeon holes everyone. :(
            Good luck!! xx

  6. I have been reading your website & I wanted to thank you, I have been searching for something like this. I also am in a relationship with a MM, it hasn’t been very long, it all started January of this year. I was also married, “was” being the operative word. We had went to HS together & lost touch, when he contacted me in January through FB I was in a 17 year marriage that was at the lowest of low points. So his timing just happen to be perfect for me, I had no plans in it becoming serious, I was just going with the flow. It wasn’t long & he was telling me how he never stopped thinking about me after all these years & how he wasn’t happy in his marriage. I told him I was thinking of getting a divorce cause I wasn’t happy either. Within 2 months he was ready to end his marriage, but I was still scared of what might happen if I didn’t go through with leaving mine, so I told him not to make any hasty moves. By this time he was telling me he loved me, but I was still just going with the flow. I had filed for divorce with my husband but still wasn’t sure if we would reconcile or not, so I really didn’t want to lead my MM into believing I had completely fallen for him. But as time when on it became very clear to me that my current marriage was over and my MM was who I wanted. He has tried 2-3 times to leave his wife & she threatens suicide, so he stays. He says he doesn’t love her, he only goes home to the kids (he has 2 kids & I have 2 kids). My divorce is now final & he is still there. She goes through his phone every single night, she knows all the passwords to his email, FB, everything. At one point she put a tracker on his phone, so every minute of everyday she is watching him, which makes it VERY hard to see each other. I get to see him about 2 times a week for no more than an hour each time, then we talk everyday on his drive home from his work phone. This whole situation is extremely hard, I spend lots of time alone, going from being hurt to angry & waiting for his call, IF he calls at all. I tell him I feel like he is playing me for a fool & that hes not going to leave his wife, but he promises he is, its just not the right time yet & that he can’t give me a timeline. When we see each other I feel great, but within an hour of leaving I am second doubting him, it wasn’t always that way, just for the past 2 months. Every day gets harder for me, I feel like Im on an emotional roller coaster. I almost told him this morning it was over cause I think it may be easier on me not to see or talk to him at all, but couldn’t do it. Does anyone else feel this way & if so what do you do to get through it? In my heart I do believe he is going to lever her, I just don’t know when & IDK how long he expects me to do this. He asked me when I moved on my own for me to give him my heart (cheesy, I know, but it was sweet) & I told him he already has it & asked for his & he said the same, but do I really have his heart if he goes home to her each & every day, goes out of town with her & out to eat with her? Please let me know your thoughts…

    • It definitely is a rollercoaster ride!

      I don’t know what to tell you about your guy. Do you know anyone who knows him and his wife? Do you know what he’s telling you is true?

      Just because he goes home to his wife doesn’t mean SHE is the one who has his heart. I know this is true with my guy. He goes home for his daughter.

      It sounds to me like you need to have a long talk with your man. Do you see him often? Ask him what he wants out of this relationship with you and if his wife is getting the help she needs.

      I wish you luck.

  7. wow. I have been looking for a site like this for awhile. I guess I need to vent about my guy. I love him, and I cant tell anyone because he is technically attached.

    I met him about a year and a half ago at a company for which we were both interviewing. At the time, I was in a committed relationship with my now ex for eight years. My guy, we’ll call him D, and I were attracted to one another the moment I walked into the room. It was a group interview ( i hate those btw) and I could sense his gaze. Well, we were both hired and began to work together for about three months. We became friends fast. we talked joked and ate lunch together. I told him I was in a committed relationship. Turned out he had a girlfriend who he loved but she was in college out of state. They have been together for about 3 years now and it seems as if their long term plans entailed marriage. He hasn’t left her for a multitude of reasons besides loving her.

    We kept in touch even after I left the company. I left my ex about six months after that for several reasons. Reasons that did not include D at all. D and his girlfriend had been hitting rocky times and arguing had a major effect on him emotionally. I reached for D after i left my ex. A few months later he begged me to come over my place on one of those nights he had argued with her over the phone. It was about 3 am and I was reluctant to agree but it was a friday and I agreed.

    After that, he started coming over much more regularly to talk. A few visits-and a few drinks- later we had sex. ever since, he spends as much time with me as possible. I’ve met some of his family and lots of his friends. He introduces me as simply ‘Tania” and but everyone knows we have a ‘thing’ going on. I don’t mind it. My problem right now is that I am developing intense feelings for him and I know I shouldn’t because he is not my man. While we certainly play the parts, we really are just friends. It isnt that I want to take it to another level at all. I know how he feels for me and he knows how I feel for him but it is just not a conversation we have ever had. I am enjoying being single and not being attached to anyone and I honestly don’t know when I started caring so much! We miss each other a lot when we aren’t together but we just can’t seem to admit that we love each other. Call it corny but I just want to yell it out for everyone to hear, but I can’t…

    • Tania…

      Have you had a serious talk with him about how you feel? “Knowing” and actually hearing it are two different things. In any relationship, you have to talk about things, even if you think those things are “known”.

      You say he hasn’t left his girlfriend for a multitude of reasons that, if I read correctly, include loving her. Have you asked him why he’s with you if he loves his girlfriend? Sounds like there are some things you and your man need to get out into the open to see where (if anywhere) this is going. If you don’t talk it out, you’re just going to drive yourself crazy.

      • LOL, you’re right. Crazy is exactly where I’m headed!

        On another note, I applaude your courage to blog your life and the choices you’ve made. It seems that while you may not be legally married to him, you guys are happier than lots of married couples out there. Congrats!

        • Hey, Tania!

          You’d be surprised at how many people who see us together all the time think that we’re married or at least living together. It’s like the couple married 50 years…we can finish each others sentences. Sometimes, it’s just too weird! LOL!!!

  8. I am also glad I found this site…I have been seeing someone for 6 years, he has a partner but is not married. Just yesterday we agreed to…I don’t know, take a break or something until he breaks up with his partner and I am hurting big time. We both sat in the car and cried :( I keep it all inside because I don’t trust any friend enough to tell them plus at my age (40) most of my friends are either married or partnered and would probably un-friend me asap if they knew I was uhm….someone’s other woman. I love this man…waaah.

    • Hi, Kitty…

      It’s too bad that you have to hold it all in. Are you sure there isn’t ONE friend who you could confide in? It may help to talk it out.

      I hope it all works out for you and your man. Time will tell.

  9. I’m grateful to find your site and get to know the other side of the story. 
    I read your blog all the way back until a post dated 1 year ago. I must say I can relate to EVERYTHING you wrote on here. 

    I’m 26 with no serious relationship ever before I met him. I live everyday in doubt whether he would still chase after me if he weren’t such lonely and in need. He told me that at first he’s just so touched with my “style” of friendship when I being so casually nice to him without any string attached. He value that principle of me and after a year we were no longer just friends. Today is my 18 months together with my MM and most days has been a hell with all the roller coaster ride. 

    Now I’m on my ultimatum period. I literary told him to back off and scream I’m quitting right on his face. I’m facing with serious situation here with serious affection (I love him more than life) seriously ruined married life but with serious 3 little kids on the picture.

    My question is if you were to meet your man in different situation, when you two were not divorced or married, would you look at him the same way you do for him now? 

    I feel so confused and have no one to talk to. I feel like wasting my days to stick with this one guy but I also know for sure I love him more that anything in this universe. 

    • TA…

      Oh, boy!!! LOL!!! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gotten in my man’s face and screamed that I was done!!!! Even now, I sometimes get the urge!

      It’s hard to say what would have happened if my situation was different. My man is younger than me by 11 years. When I first met him, I was a newly divorced mother of 2 VERY young boys. He was 18 but I thought he was at least in his 20s. Anyway, him and I used to talk, but nothing developed because if I felt he was getting too close, I would back off. I had experiences with other guys who would literally RUN when I said I had two kids under the age of 6, so I didn’t think there was any way THIS guy would want me. Rather than watch him run, I ran. 20 years later, when we met up again, I didn’t know he was married. All I know is that when we did meet up again, it was like we never lost touch. We talked and laughed just like we used to. My divorce wasn’t so new, so I didn’t run anymore (my kids are also on their own!). If I knew he was married, I believe we would be friends, but I never would have let anything else develop…I may have started running again! :-D Anyway, as it turned out, here we are and I don’t really have any regrets. The only thing that tugs at me a little is that I should have not assumed he was single even though in all our talks, he never once mentioned a wife.

      Your relationship is still fairly new. If you feel like you’re wasting your time, you need to do something about it. Either decide to end it…which will be very difficult if you love him…or do OTHER things when he’s not around. I’m a huge promoter in keeping busy and going out with friends. When I realized that I need to have a life of my own, I stopped thinking that maybe I was wasting my time with him. One day, I just had enough. I told him that he shouldn’t expect me to be available for him whenever HE decided to show up. After a few times of coming here and me not being home, he got the hint that I meant business! LOL!! I’m doing things I like to do with the girls, and I have times doing what we like to do together (no…not just sex) ;-) . With the girls, I go to the movies and out to dinner. With him, we go to dinner, flea markets and car shows aside from staying in and relaxing. I feel that I pretty much have it all.

  10. Just an observation from a former MM.

    How can you say this man is honest? He’s having an affair? He lies to his wife and his daughter extensively about his wherabouts but not to you? I call horse shit. Fine lie to the “shrew”.. but to his daughter? The one for whom he makes all these sacrifices.. yeah.. sorry.. This is not an honest man.

    Also, regardless of his intent… he at BEST is in a horribly toxic relationship with his wife. To say his daughter is more comfortable in this situation is rather ridiculous. They simply don’t know any better. I think you and he are just accustomed to this arrangement. If it became a more traditional relationship neither of you would know what to do with one another. I believe the bloom would be off the rose.

    Hs wife may be the most horrible person on the planet, but that is grounds for divorce.. not grounds for an affair. Even if he is in it for his daughter.. does she deserve being lied to?

    Lies I told my OW.
    If it wasn’t for my kids I would be divorced. Yeah but not in the way you might think. I know some ex’s can make life hell, but these days for kids in the tween to teen ages its impossible for one parent to deny access. What I feared most was not my wife’s reaction, but my own daughters’ reaction. I know they would have thought less of me. It was very possible that had I left they would have been the ones to abandon me. That was what I feared. Not that my wife would become this horrible shrew and deny me access. My fear was my daughters’ judgment. Where I live 50-50 shared custody is the norm.. and I would have liked that. Yeah.. I would miss them should they not be with me, but I and they would have adjusted. And why would I not be able to see them on special events and occasions? I would have been there for every one. However, there was this overriding fear that I would not see them even 10% of the time because they wouldn’t want me.

    That we slept in different rooms. Yeah.. that happened sometimes, but there was still sex going on. I know my wife would not have stayed if there was no intimacy. I can’t imagine his is either.. regardless of what he or his family has told you. You know how much of my sex life I share with my family.. yeah.. big fat zero.

    Financial issues. Yeah.. my finances are a mess.. but had my wife and I divorced, I would have managed. In fact, I am, quite certain I would be better off financially.. even with a separate place and SS and CS for two kids. There would be adjustments. But what did I really fear.. it was the transition. While I know my wife would have been angry with me she would have hurt. And while I agree.. we were not in a good place both before and during my affair.. I still loved her and I just could not go through that transition without seeing her hurt every day. See my kids in turmoil every day. My resolve to move out would have quickly turned. My point though is.. there are people.. in far worse position than I am in, who manage after a divorce.. I am sure your MM would do just fine.

    That I loved her. Just not true. While at the time I may have felt that way, my actions in the larger sense were contrary to that fact. If I did love her I would have made her a priority. I would never have snuck around to see her. I would have not made her my OW. As of now its been 2 years since I last spoke to her. I don’t miss her one bit.

    One lie I never told my OW was that I didn’t love or even never loved my wife. During my affair I didn’t behave like I did. I was lying to her every day. However, I remember.. on more than one occasion that after seeing my OW. I went home and spent time with my wife. I was a mess of anxiety while with my OW, but once I got home… I was relaxed. It was one of those times I realized.. I WAS home. I couldn’t continue with my affair. It had to end. Alas I needed a little help.. so I told my wife.

    Yes.. I wasn’t happy, but is that my wife’s fault? No it isn’t. I am responsible for my own happiness. It was up to me to find it. Thankfully I did.. and my wife and I, while not out of the woods yet, are in a better place.

    I know I haven’t read everything here.. but from what I have read.. I just don’t buy your MM story. I just can’t. Too me.. he has EXACTLY what he wants. The stability of a wife.. and the spice of an affair. He wouldn’t have it any other way.

    • FormerMM…

      It’s interesting that you made these comments in “Are All Cheating Husbands the Same?” because you kind of lump them all into one.

      Let me first address the divorce issue. Yes, for a couple thousand dollars, anyone can get a divorce. What you aren’t thinking about is what comes AFTER the divorce is final. Do you know how many women try to keep the kids from their fathers? It happens more than you could imagine. Not all adults are “mature” when it comes to relationships not working out. Women in particular tend to lash out and will “fight dirty”, using the one weapon they know will hurt the most: a child. There is no thought to the child…it’s in the heat of the moment. If a man isn’t allowed to see his kids, he must then revisit the attorney and another court date is set. The judge will order the wife to allow visitation. The wife again, refuses. Back to attorney, back to court. How do they get away with this? Easy! No judge wants to put a mother in jail for contempt! Judges will see how that will affect the child. It’s not “impossible” for a father of a tween or teen to be denied visitation; it happens all the time.

      In the meantime, the mother is feeding the child venom about the father. Personally, I don’t care how bad of a husband a man is…a child should NOT be told any of it. If a man is that bad, a child will one day see this for him or herself. The only time a father’s actions should involve the child is if there was abuse of that child, but even then, the child will know about it first-hand. Sometimes, it helps to take the high road. I don’t know why this is done, but why would anyone want to confuse a child even more about a parent that he or she loves? This isn’t to say that men don’t do this too. Many do, but it’s usually the mother who has custody. All that time alone to poison a child’s mind will lead to the child hating the father. Even tweens and teens could be conflicted about things. Even though my man’s daughter knows he’s there for her, she is already feeling conflict. Her mother tells her that “daddy doesn’t have time for you”. She will then repeat this to her father, who has to point out all the times he’s there for her. I come second. Anything to do with his daughter comes first. Every night, when he goes home, no matter what time it is, he goes to his daughter’s room to say “good night”. She sees this, but still feels a bit of doubt because shouldn’t her mother tell her the truth?

      My man’s daughter is now a teenager, yet not old enough to work. She has expressed a desire to work with him on weekends. This is the job I work at with him. In a couple of years, she will probably start doing little jobs with us. At least when this happens, I will get to know her and she will get to know me.

      You chose your path with another woman for different reasons than my MM. If his wife would have wanted ANY affection, he would have given it gladly. However, she stopped wanting to be touched. She blamed pregnancy, the birth of the child and early menopause for this, yet refused to see what could be done to remedy it. If he was getting any affection, or even attention from his wife, he would not have come to me. It wasn’t easy for him to be with me. We became friends, then things progressed. Do I think he’s lying to me about his home life? No, I don’t. Do I think I add “spice” to his life? No way! Mostly, when he’s with me, we do things that any married couple do. Sometimes, we could go a couple of weeks without having sex, so it’s not about that.

      We spend so much time together that sometimes, it’s easy to forget that I’m his OW. We do things as a couple: housework, yard work, visiting, going out with friends…It’s not all roses and lollipops; we have our ups and downs. He’s stuck with me through weight gain and weight loss, then another weight gain. True, we don’t have the financial issues that some married couples face, but we have other issues.

      Unlike you, my guy has never told me that he never loved his wife. I’m sure he did, but his marriage came about pretty much like mine did: she came over one night and didn’t leave. After a few years, they thought it would be a good idea to get married. They both had a wild lifestyle, but when that stopped because they decided to have a child, they realized that they had nothing in common but the partying. Through all this, he never tells me horror stories about her. I hear (but wish I didn’t) about her from friends and family.

      See, Former…what you need to realize is that not all men who have affairs are like you. They all have different reasons. They also have different reasons to stay married. I really don’t care if you “buy” my man’s story or not…you don’t have to. I know what I know and that’s what’s important. But…even after 10 years of being with him, I have no delusions. I know that I could be gone in a heartbeat if his wife chooses to confront him and threatens to take his daughter away, no matter what her age.

  11. Actually.. I think the overwhelming majority of MM in affairs are basically the same. I guess that was my point. Save for a few minor details someones MM is not that special snowflake. The ugly truth is that they almost all behave in a similar manner. I have seen how myself and others have acted and there are a lot of very stark similarities.

    The common lies.
    Staying for the kids
    Spark out of the marriage.. its over.
    Sexless.. no intimacy.
    Separate rooms/beds
    My spouse is cheating on me.
    I’ll be filing for divorce once we’re in a better place financially.

    Some of these points may actually be true. But they are still excuses. If life were really that bad.. they would get the divorce. The fear of remaining in an unhappy marriage has to surpass the fear of the unknown of the divorce. Many of those points were true for me.. but while I wasn’t particularly happy.. it wasn’t terrible

    Your man stays with his wife because he wants to. Not because I know him, but because I know human nature. People always behave in a manner consistent with their desires. There are options. Uncomfortable and sometimes downright painful options but they are there. He has you convinced its all about his daughter, THAT is the point I don’t buy.

    Your “Man”’s daughter is in her teens. Sure, his wife could be a major pain in the backside, but denying visitation? Not bloody likely. Not at this age. There are just too many ways to communicate and facilitate meetings. Yes.. I have seen enough claims of abuse being made, but the courts are not blind to the context. The burden of proof would be on her. And do you think the daughter would back those claims up?

    What is far more likely.. is if an affair were to come out, his position in the divorce battle is horribly weak. Even in no fault states.. Judges don’t like girlfriends/boyfriends, but that’s usually a financial hit.. that usually wont impact custody. So if I believe anything.. I would believe there is a huge financial component to all this. Just reinforced by the fact that you won’t be a soft place to land. SS, CS along with those other required expenses can make it very difficult to get by if you are on your own.

    Also.. he makes a huge deal about his daughter. So much so that I believe that he does love her and she is a huge part of who he is. When I am in love with someone I want to be part of everything about them. That includes family and friends. You are currently cut off from one of the biggest pieces of his life. Sure.. we can’t always influence whether or not those people will embrace us, but I would relish the chance. Yeah..you get to meet her if she comes to the job.. but as one of his friends.. not as the huge part of his life. I don’t know.. that would seem hollow to me.

    I did see you mention in another post that you don’t think he’s cheating on you. But truly.. what do you think that the odds are.. that within the last 10 years or so.. that he hasn’t had sex with his wife? Yeah.. no desire for intimacy,.. I heard that part. Month? Sure. 6 months? umm.. ok. Year? Yeah.. not buying it. I have seen some pretty combative, toxic and seemingly indifferent relationships where sex was still happening. Bottom line.. I still think he’s having sex with her. I’ll buy not very often, but in 10 years? Ill stick with the odds on that one.

    Regardless.. I don’t see how you would give people help on being the OW, when even in this outlier of affairs that you claim to be in, its hardly an ideal relationship. We all go into any relationship knowing.. that one day it may end. If we are truly happy.. we would like that it wouldn’t.. but that is the reality of a relationship. However, most of us aren’t in a relationship where the Sword of Damocles is so prominently positioned above their head. Hardly something to strive for.

    My OW used to say.. and I believed her.. that the most painful thing for her was when I left her to go home. It sparked many a row between us. Why she settled for me in the relationship we had is beyond my comprehension. Similarly.. why you settle for this is equally beyond my comprehension.

  12. Hello! I’ve just stumbled onto your website as I was typing an aimless question into google “Is there anything good about being the other woman?”
    Three months ago I met a man 10 years older than me. I have dated older people before, but never one as old as him. I didn’t expect to be so attracted! He is always on the same page as me, never disappoints, and is full of surprises.
    It was a week after we had started getting to know each other and a couple of dates until I found out about his girlfriend. He didn’t hide anything from me… He just failed to inform me? Haha!
    After confronting him about this, he immediately said his goodbyes to me as if he expected me to bolt. Knowing myself best, I expected myself to bolt as well.
    I decided to test the waters. After three months of being with him, we have grown close. He vents about life to me, as I do to him about mine. I think he is amazing, and I could never picture him settling down with a girl like his girlfriend… Yes, I did a bit of snooping.
    The only thing that binds him to this girl is their child. Other than that, I see him everyday on his day offs, and I text or talk to him on his workdays for almost the entire day.
    All of my friends tell me to break it off with him, but I can’t. I know they don’t want me to get hurt, but they don’t see what I see in him. He is just a man who made a mistake and has a child.
    I don’t expect him to leave his girlfriend anytime soon for me because of the kid they have together. Although, I do question how long me and him will last if this relationship continues.
    Should I be worried for myself?

    • Should you worry for yourself? Well, yes and no. Right now, you made the decision to stay with him. I understand his not wanting to break it off with his girlfriend because there’s a child involved, so you need to realize that at any moment, he could end things. As long as you prepare yourself for this, you should be all right.

      Keep the lines of communication open between the two of you. Let him know that if he ever has doubts about the two of you, he needs to let you know right away. Your relationship started with one lie of omission, and you don’t want any more of that.

      Find out particulars. I know that normally, this would be considered in the “None of your business” category, but when it comes to MM, we as OW need to know certain things to make OUR decisions about the affairs. Case in point; is he still having sex with his wife/live-in girlfriend? I know that my decision would be far different if my MM was leaving my bed and going to hers. Know what I mean?

  13. Great blog, thank you. I won’t go into the details of my situation other than to say I wouldn’t want this for anyone. Being in love with someone else’s husband. 4 years now. Its time to end, but I’ve tried everything….
    My question; I desperately want his wife to know, i know thats controversial. But his lying to her and to me is at an all time high and if it all came out then maybe there would be some type of finality. Anyways, is there any way you know of whereby this can happen and he not know its me? He could never find out that I had anything to do with it and yet I don’t know how else to let her know he’s still seeing me. The lengths he goes to keep it secret are amazing. I can’t be the only one in this situation, where I want her to know but I don’t want anyone to think it was me doing the telling.
    Any thoughts?

    • I would never suggest telling the wife.

      Even though my man’s wife must know he has someone else (he’s with me so much it’s hard to believe she doesn’t know), I would never think to call her to say, “Ha ha!!! I’m doing your husband.” There’s knowing and then there’s KNOWING and I would never intentionally hurt another person like that. This way, she can save face with her family and whatever friends she has left and she won’t be forced to throw him out when she’s not really ready or willing to do so.

      Obviously, it bothers you knowing that your MM is taking excessive steps to keep your affair secret. But then, most MM don’t want their wives knowing they are cheating. It only makes sense. If it’s to the point that he’s lying to her and you, maybe you should just end it. If he’s no longer making you happy, it’s time to move on. Block his calls, don’t answer the door if he comes unexpectedly…he’ll get the hint. If you have to, threaten to tell his wife if he refuses to let you go (threatening should do the trick since he’s trying so hard to keep it secret…you don’t actually have to tell her).

      His wife is with a man who cheats on her. Deep down, she probably knows this. What would it accomplish if you found a way to let her know her suspicions are correct? It will only hurt her more deeply when she finds out that other people know of the affair and it will only come back and bite you in the ass later. Please…don’t do it.

  14. I am so torn by all I read about how the MM is only ever in it for sex and that you provide the fantasy he is lacking and that men never choose to stay in a relationship with the OW even when they get divorced. I am very torn on trusting the love we have for each other or believing in the stats. I know that it is wrong by christian and moral standards to do what I am doing, but I also believe that it is not wrong if it is done with love and with no intent to hurt anyone. My MM and I developed a very long friendship over the course of the last 10 years. He has seen me through a few relationships and I was his only confidant when he caught his wife in bed with another man a few years ago. Since that time he has always said he was going to stay in the marriage until his teenage son is out of school. He does not want to be part-time dad and wants to keep things “normal” as possible for his son. I actually love him for this and respect his decision. He tells me he does not have a sexual relationship with his wife and this he said before I told him that if he were, I would not be in this relationship with him. I have often told him that if he wants to work on the marriage that he should, but he tells me he does not. He talks of moving on. Several months ago he confessed that he has feelings for me. I could not deny that I did as well. We began seeing each other more, but they are never dates. They can’t be. NOr are the “get togethers” strictly sexual “hit and run”. We talk about a lot of deep, meaningful things and we share our feelings. We had sex one time, but have not again. Although since then we play out sexual fantasies with each other without actually being together. He tells me he loves me. He has commented about wanting me to be sure about having sex with him and he does not pressure me. He often tells me he wants to come over and even though I tell him to come over anytime, he seems to wait for a specific invitation which I have not given him. Sometimes it bothers me that he does not, but then at times I find it comforting that maybe this isn’t just a sexual relationship to him.We have done some “fooling around”. He makes me happy. I love when I share time w him, approx. twice a month and we talk/text consistently; although, not every day. He sometimes gives me clues that he thinks about me in his future, but he has also commented that he feels guilty that he may be holding me back and feels he cannot guarantee for the future because a lot can happen between now and then. He fills a special place in my life and I love having him in it. But, it is frustrating for me because I want to love him totally and in ways I cannot right now because of the situation. I wish I could see him more, but I cannot. I want to be important in his life, but he has a lot of things pulling at him right now. I do not want to place demands…I might lose him. Likewise, I do not want him to disrespect me by seeing me as a doormat. I think that if he is just wanting sex … we would certainly be doing this all the time and really doing it … not just talking about it. I sometimes think that maybe we have a chance to make this work in the future, but I am not sure how to be in this relationship right now. I am more than his friend, I don’t want to be a friend with benefits and I am not his girlfriend, although I want to be. It is a very frustrating place to be and I don’t know how to handle this. The thoughts of saying goodbye to him makes me cry. But yet I think sometimes this is the only chance to have the relationship I want with him in the long run … maybe he needs to experience life without me. I want to believe he loves me and believe his intentions are good, but because I am not very trusting and never have been… I am not sure where to go from here. Any thoughts.

    • Hi, Samantha!

      As an outsider looking in, it seems that he does have feelings for you, but he’s not really comfortable with them. After all, he has an open invitation, but he doesn’t make use of it. This could also be why most of the “sex” takes place over the phone or the Internet. He may also be afraid to really trust you since he has caught his wife with another man. This kind of confuses me because he really shouldn’t feel guilty for finding someone else since that is what his wife did. But, I would think that actually catching someone “in the act” would be traumatic, no matter what, so I can understand his reluctance.

      What you need to ask yourself is if you are OK with being with someone you talk to and text all the time, but hardly ever see. Since you have deep conversations with him, maybe it would help to discuss where he sees this relationship going. Find out what is holding him back. Only he can answer that. It’s hard thinking that a conversation like this will cause you to lose him, but, wouldn’t it be better to know if he doesn’t want more? At least you will know that this is all you can ever expect and go on from there. If you can accept that, fine, but if not, you may find it easier to move on if you know he just sees this as a phone/text relationship.

      One thing I have said before: if you were seeing a man who was single and he only was intimate with you over the phone, how long would you put up with it? Yes, the situations are different, but even a MM can make SOME time to be with his OW.

      In my relationship, I know where I stand. Even though when he introduces me, he never says, “my girlfriend”, people know that we are a couple and treat us as such. I’m welcomed into his family, which, sometimes, seems a bit odd!!! LOL! In fact, he has commented that I talk to his sister more than he does and his aunt invites me over all the time. There have been many nights when he leaves, I’ll be at his aunt’s house playing Scrabble or Dominoes with her and a couple of his cousins.

      Have the long talk with him. It will give you a better understanding of how he sees things. There’s no need to pressure him, just a talk about how he’s feeling about the relationship and where he thinks it could go, if anywhere.

      Good luck!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>