Being in Public with Your Married Lover

Being Out In Public

I don’t know how many “other women” have as much time out with their men as I do, but I’m sure some do.  My man and I go out a lot.  Some weeks, we go out to dinner at least 4 times.  Besides going out for dinner, we stop at the local DD for coffee just about every day.  The people we see in our every day lives think we’re married.  It’s kind of crazy, but we have this interesting kind of vibe that people find amusing.   There was a guy standing in line in front of us at DD the other day and before he left, he turned to us and said, “I love seeing you guys in here….you always make me smile!  Just looking at you both, and the way you joke around with each other, I could tell that you’ve been married a long time.”  Uh, huh.

We get that a lot from people we see often.  Waiters, waitresses, cashiers….they always ask us how long we’ve been married.  Earlier today, I told my guy that just once, when someone asks if we’re married, I want to say, “I’m not married, but HE is….”.  I wonder what kind of reaction we would get.  Could be interesting!

We definitely don’t try to hide.  Of course, it helps that his wife is at home about an hour away from where I live.  Whether we’re at home (my house) or out somewhere, we are always ourselves.  We’re actually kids in adult bodies.  We play around alot.  He’ll pull my hair like a kindergartener and when he’s not looking, I’ll whip my braid around and smack him with it.  We joke around with each other about really dumb things and we both LOVE to people watch!!!  If I see someone strange, all I have to do is gently nudge him or subtly lean into him, and he knows exactly who I’m looking at.

When he got out of work today, he came to get me and we went to the recycling center.  His town doesn’t have one, so he brings all his stuff to my town once a month or so.  He had two bags full of newspapers, one big, one small.  I figured I’d get them into the bin while he was getting rid of bottles, so, there I was, trying to carry these two bags.  He came up behind me and said, “Let me help you with that…” and grabbed the smaller bag.  I just shook my head, started laughing and called him a “dick”.   Two older men who were walking past us just started cracking up.  One of them said, “That’s the way to do it.” and the other one looked at me and said, “He may be a dick, but I could tell you love him anyway.”  (BTW…he’s not really a dick.)  Anyway…like I said….people find us approachable, I guess.

Over the weekend, we have been invited to go bowling with his aunts and cousins.  It’s a family tradition of 50 years to take one of the cousins bowling for her birthday.  It started when she was 7 and continues now that she’s 57.  He can’t bowl because of an old shoulder injury, but he’ll watch us all and keep score.  We’ll be going to a local bowling alley where he knows most of the people who hang out there.  Obviously, he doesn’t care who sees him with me.

All of this is what he doesn’t have with his wife.  I know this not because it’s what he tells me, but it’s what his family and friends tell me.  I feel bad that his daughter can’t see us together.  What she sees at home are two people who barely talk and who only interact when they have to.  If they all go shopping together, he walks ahead with his daughter.  His wife doesn’t really talk to either of them when they’re out in public.  It’s really sad, when you think about it.  I feel that a child should see his or her parents laughing with each other and playing every now and then.

Even though we go out all the time, we’re not stupid about it.  We aren’t about to go somewhere that his wife’s family or friends would be at.  That would just cause his wife a lot of humiliation and hurt (even though she pretty much threw him away, nobody wants to see someone you are or were dating or married to having fun with someone else).  We’re not cruel.  We will not throw our happiness in his wife’s face. We will continue on as we are right now.  It’s not all fun and games, we have our fights.  In fact, right now, I don’t like him very much, but I like him more than I did earlier in the week.

I guess it all depends on what the man’s (or woman’s) marriage is like.  My man’s wife doesn’t care that he’s not home, which gives us the chance to be together all the time.  Going out with a married lover is possible.  It just needs to be done so no one is being hurt.

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36 thoughts on “Being in Public with Your Married Lover

  1. Wow, I never thought I would actually find a blog like yours. It is a bit refreshing. The same things happen when my man and I go out too… Post office, favorite restaurants, and even soccer teams we play with :-) The comment about you wanting to respond to a random person by saying “I’m not married, but HE is….” made me laugh. We joke about that every time we get asked how long we have been married. Hope you keep posting because you have no idea what your blog has done to me mentally.. thanks and if you ever feel like chatting please email me, it is nice to find another woman to talk to about relationships!

    • I’m glad you enjoy the blog. When I started it, I never thought so many people would read and comment. I’m pleasantly surprised! I have no thoughts about stopping since this is doing my psyche a lot of good!!! Thanks for reading!

  2. Awesome Post! We are just starting to do more “public” stuff and so far it’s been great. I often go into his work and lately he has started kissing me & cuddling me in front of everyone. They all know his wife…. and I guess now they know who I am too. I think he’s becoming more affectionate in public because he leaves in just a couple of weeks….. Scary but exciting times. Can’t wait to start our life together :)

  3. I’ve been this for 6 yrs,. I won’t say the reasons why he’s there and I’m here bc its a rare circumstance that people ( ehem..) would figure it out. Do I think its her fault ? No . Nor his. I don’t really know what has or is happening bc I’m not there. Do I wish he were here at night ? Of course.
    What drew me in .. after the knowldge of it all I felt pity for his circumstance, and my feelings with my compassion allowed me to stay.. do I feel guilty feel bad for her ? Absofuckinglutely.
    Am I shameful around people who “know” .. ya.. doesn’t feel good to be that.
    Do I have hope?
    All I can say is I take it day by day. It’s my love for him and hope that keeps me here. If it were any other circumstance than this particular one, I would have to say that I would not be writing about being in this for six years. But hey who only knows.
    Guess u would kinda have to be me to understand.

  4. I truly enjoyed reading this post. It’s lovely how little ways can show how much a person cares for you. I can tell that you both adore each other and it’s great that you both enjoy each other’s company. I haven’t read the rest of the blog yet, but I will definitely come back.

    • Yes, we love each other, but the LIKING each other, I think, is what makes what we have special and makes us truly enjoy being together.

      Thanks for reading. I hope you like the rest of the posts.

  5. Cant belive someone has written my autobiography almost to a tee. 11 yrs and we stil love each other immensely. Am in the process of backing out now though as finaly i have decided that the lonely nights and empty holidays etc are to much to bear anymore.

    • Holidays really used to bother me, but they don’t anymore. I find that by ignoring the holidays, I’m less stressed. My favorite way to spend any holiday is either by being a slug and reading all day, or I travel to visit my son (but I’m there days before the holiday because traffic just sucks!).

  6. I wish that i could have any time in public with my man. I would kill for dinner but I guess we aren’t there yet. Also being in a.small town is very hard,there is NO openness about it yet. More power to the girls who have been going at this for years and years not seeing him for 2 weeks is hard for me I haven’t even considered holidays yet. I’m so happy i found a support system.

    • Valentine’s Day is coming up soon. It isn’t easy to see all the commercials about it and cards in the stores, knowing that this is a day you probably won’t have with your man. Most holidays are so “in your face”. If I didn’t have such a bad attitude about Valentine’s Day, I might have dumped my man a long time ago!! I call these days “Hallmark Holidays”. Do I really NEED a day where I feel forced to tell the person I love how important he is to me? Do I really need for him to buy me a dozen roses at a ridiculous price? Do I need to be taken out to dinner with a limited and inflated menu? Nope. I feel the same about Mother’s Day, but, I digress….

      Prepare for the holidays now. Make plans for Valentine’s Day. I’m sure you have some friends who don’t have S.O.s, so make plans with them. Go to the movies, or bowling, or just have a wine and cheese party at home. Make a nice dinner as a joint effort….have everyone bring something….or order a pizza. If you don’t keep busy on that day, you’ll be depressed.

      I’m luckier than most because I get a lot of time with my man. We go out all the time. We don’t go out on holidays (unless it’s Xmas Eve…then we go to his Aunt’s house for her party), but the rest of the year more than makes up for it.

  7. Just found your blog, thanks for posting it. I just started into a relationship with a married man. Infact i didnt know he was married at first, until his wife called me one day. We broke up after that, but i then realized i was in love with him and got back together since then we;ve seperated twice in a 7 month time frame. All my part of course. Part of me just didnt sit well with knowing he was married. Then the other part of me loved him, and our chemistry and just couldnt say goodbye. All my friends tell me how terrible i am for being with him. Except for one friend shes very supportive but the fact of the matter is i love him. And i truly cant help who i love. My problem recently is that hes been very busy at work and every time he gets free time he stops by to see me. He tells me He cant wait to have a normal relationship with me, but i just dfont know when that will be. When he sleeps over i wonder where his wife thinks he is but our relationship has been sort of a strain recently because i just moved in with my mother. Of course no privacy there! B/ut i hoped to be moved out by monday and things can go back to where i see him every day after work… Oh wells..

    Life is tough lol

    • I have never had the experience of his wife calling to confront me. She doesn’t seem to care that he’s not around. I think I would have a very hard time….actually, it would be impossible for me…staying with my man if I knew he was still sleeping with his wife. I know all about the love and chemistry, but maybe you should talk to your man and find out what is happening on the home front. I don’t want to see you or anyone else get hurt. Communication can help us decide if we want to continue or not.

      • Youre right, and we havent really discussed it. Im the type of person t hat will just not talk about things but it still bothers me. we havent slept together since i found out that he was sxtill sleeping with his wife. But it really does need to be discussed. The only thing that was said to me was you know two people can be physically together but not emotionally, and i for one think that is a crock of sh%t, then again i shoulkd be saying this to him not you guys. Lol

        Thanks for your response

        • Yes, it is possible to be physically together and not emotionally together, but, this is his wife, not a one night stand. He loved her enough to marry her, now, all of a sudden, he doesn’t love her but he can have sex with her? Not being a man, I have no idea how this happens. I can understand the one night stand thing, but not the “I’m married to her, having sex with her, but I don’t love her anymore” thing.

          Think about the reasons you have left him in the past 7 months. Will those reasons still be there? You need to look at this objectively. I know it’s hard, but if you aren’t honest with yourself, you’ll never be happy.

  8. ugh, i feel terrible talking about it.. Maybe someone can give me a tip as to how to approach the situation. I just dont know anymore.

    • Well, if I ever need to discuss something with my man, I just go for it. I don’t like ruining what could be a nice, cozy night by discussing things that could put a damper on the romance, so I have instituted “sexless” nights. Those are the nights we use for serious talks about our concerns.

      In your case, I don’t know how just starting a discussion could go. Your affair is still “young”. Any time you need to talk things out, you have to be prepared for his leaving you. If he doesn’t want to discuss your concerns, doesn’t that, in itself, say a lot? Think about it.

  9. I can’t believe I found a site like this. Lately I’ve been so torn about my relationship. My “man” and I have been talking via text and email for almost 4 yrs now and just recently (3weeks ago) got to spend time together for the 1st time. And it was…amazing…to say the least. Just being able to talk to him and hug him felt so perfect. We just seem to work so well together on so many levels. I feel like he’s my best friend an he says he feels the same. But have you ever been at a point where you feel like your just being unfair to yourself? I know he’ll never leave his wife. And I know he’ll never be able to give me the physical attention every women craves as much as id like. I can’t stand the thought of not talking to him anymore but I’m not sure I can handle only being with him once in a while…when he can “sneak” away. Siiigh

    • Who would have thought someone would be crazy enough to put this subject out in the open, huh?!?!? I knew I couldn’t be the only one in love with a married man, so I started this blog as a way to give others either involved with a married man, or just thinking about it, a heads up on what to expect (or not expect).

      I never thought I was being unfair to myself, I think because I do have a life without my man. I don’t sit around waiting for him…I go out and have fun! But, I see him a lot…just about every day. He’s my best friend as well as my lover, but we don’t focus our relationship on sex. Even on our “sexless” days, we still cuddle. I value his opinion (even though I sometimes don’t take his advice) and he values mine. We talk on the phone every day when he’s on his way to and from work and he texts me during the day when (or if) he gets a break).

      I’m guessing that since you have been “talking” for 4 years, but just recently met in person, that your man lives far away from you. That’s a really tough one. I don’t know if I could handle it, but if that was the case with me, since we do have such a bond, I’m sure we would keep talking and remain friends. It’s hard not to miss that person, though.

      Only you can decide if you can handle the separation and long gaps in being together. You also need to think about if you can handle what goes on with him and his wife at home. Take things slow and see what happens. If you enjoy talking to him and he enjoys talking to you, there’s no reason to stop, but as for a long term relationship, do you think it can work knowing that he will not leave his wife?

  10. Best friend.

    See that’s it. He IS my best friend first. And I am his.

    All the difference? In the world.

    Oh and time in public? Yes, I’m with him in public a few times a month – and it’s magical. We talk, hold hands, kiss a little and thoroughly enjoy unwinding over food and wine.

    Generally, these times together don’t lead to any private time, just a wonderful end of the week decompression and revisiting of how much we need and enjoy each others company. Now on the weeks we don’t do this… that’s another story. ;)

  11. You woman are soooo sad.

    First off if these men loved you, they’d get a divorce and be with you. Your just ass to them. Nothing more. If a man loves you hes with you and JUST you. You are so delusional. Keep telling each other that what your doing is ‘ok’ and maybe one day you will actually beleive it. SLUTS!

    • Jenn….

      You are one of the reasons why I started this blog. It’s people like you, who really have no idea what other people’s situations are, yet you insist on judging.

      Yes, there are some sluts out there who will sleep with any man, married or not. They usually pick the rich married ones for the financial perks. What I write about is not a string of one night stands. We’re not talking about serial cheaters here. This is about an unhappy man (I can only speak for MY particular situation) who was emotionally abandoned by his wife. He didn’t go out looking for someone else. It happened.

      Everyone is so eager to judge the other woman and call her a slut. They feel sorry for the poor wife. What about the wife who has a good man, but does nothing but belittle him? What about the wife who refuses to let a dying woman see her granddaughter one last time? What about the wife who threatens running away with a child if her husband leaves her? What about the wife who won’t allow the husband’s family to come to birthday parties? Are you as quick to judge her too? Is there a word that you could call this kind of woman? This kind of thing happens every day to a lot of people. It also works the other way around…then you get a cheating wife. What do you call HER? Should a woman just accept that her marriage is a disaster and bow down to this man? What if he won’t let her divorce him? Should she accept being in a sexless, emotionless marriage for the rest of her life? She takes a big chance when she cheats, but it happens.

      I hope that one day, you are never faced with a situation where you fall in love with someone “unacceptable”. How would you be able to take the judgments of strangers?

      • Hello Other Woman,
        Thank you for posting this blog. I applaud your response – most women do not understand this particular situation. In the 90′s I knew a coworker who happened to be in a relationship with a married man – I felt so sorry for her and couldn’t imagine why she would put herself through the heartache and emotional stress, and yet here I am. I have been seeing my man for over a year now. Every relationship like this is so unique- you cannot judge – because you don’t know. Yes the nights are always lonely- holidays are a bit sad. I keep busy with my kids on those days. The love I feel for him is so intense and we are the best of friends. I honestly could not imagine not having him in my life. I know his wife- she has many issues – healthwise. He will always take care of her- and I love him for that. It is strange. She knows that we are friends – it is strange indeed. Every relationship like this is unique. Sometimes I struggle with my feelings and I always can’t imagine my life without him. We see each other almost every day and communicate every single day. He says he doesn’t want me to hurt- he has always told me from day one that I shouldn’t put myself through this. We always have promised to remain friends forever – especially after I can’t take the emotional stress anymore. But he’s always there for me. He takes the time – and he is a busy busy man – to make time for me. I look back at the time when i felt sorry for my coworker. I truly did not know her situation. You really can’t judge a woman who has fallen in love with a married man. I am not a slut- like the previous blogger stated- I love only him. Im not after married men- I don’t break up marriages. Right now – I’m happy. I stay busy with work, school and kids. I don’t want to be married – so this is a perfect relationship for me.

        • I’ve always said that unless you are in the situation, you shouldn’t judge. Things happen.

          You’re right, every situation is different. People on the outside may see a marriage as “perfect”, but they don’t know what happens behind closed doors. Others don’t understand why an unhappy couple would stay together. I’ve heard “If he loved you, he’d be with you.” so many times it’s ridiculous. Divorce isn’t as easy as some people think. It can be, when both people are “adult” about things, but that’s not always the case.

          When reading the negative comments from some people, the ones who call us “sluts” or “whores”, I can’t take offense. Not because I’m a slut or a whore…but because I truly believe that these woman had or have husbands who have been been caught cheating. The hurt is probably still new and they need to vent. As the other woman, I’m a good target. Let them call me names. I really don’t care. These people don’t know me, so how could what they think about me matter?

          I’m glad you found your “happy place”. We all need to come to that. :-D

      • Ladies, this is no judgement, but why have your lovers not divorced their wives and married you so that you don’t have to even consider where you go “in public”. It truly saddens me to hear that you feel that this is both thoughtful and acceptable. If his wife is so awful, why hasn’t he divorced her? Ladies please consider this as based on this thread alone I can see that a number of you have been convinced that this “great” guy is the victim of a bad marriage, when in fact his character reflects that he is in fact victimizing a spouse and you. Both you and his wife deserve better.

        • First, I’m no victim; I chose to stay with my MM after I found out for certain that he was, indeed, married.

          I’ve said over and over again that divorce isn’t an option sometimes, no matter how bad a marriage is. I really don’t want to go through that again.

          Thanks for your comment. I hope you read ALL of the posts to understand how us OW “put up with it”.

  12. I’m not judging, but I have been the other woman too. I know what it feels like, I think I can understand why. However, I am concerned that your blog is creating a false sense of hope for many women who are involved with married men. Sure, there are rare cases where there is a happy ending, but most of the time, the “other woman” needs to be honest with herself and realize that it hurts to be in the shadows, that it is wrong that she would be so overly happy just because she gets a chance to be in public with her man, that she spends holidays alone, that she has to keep dealing with insecurity. It is difficult to be truly happy in this manner, as much as you may love him. Be hohnest with yourself, and free yourself.

    • I don’t feel that I am giving anyone a false sense of hope. I never fail to mention that my experience is NOT typical. I’m not in the shadows, nor do I feel “hurt”. I’m very honest with myself because even now, I know that it could end at any time. Sure, I’ll hurt then, but I’ll get over it. This relationship has lasted longer than many marriages (mine included), and I have no regrets. Now….if I stopped living my life and spent it waiting by the phone, I’d feel cheated, but this isn’t the case. Also, for the record, I’m not dealing with insecurities.

      I don’t ever paint being the other woman as all sunshine and lollipops….it ain’t easy! But, there are a lot of us and I felt that we needed some form of support system. This is it.

      Thanks for your comment.

    • If I am insecure then I will be dealing with insecurity no matter what situation I am in. And I can be lonely on holidays regardless of whether I am alone or with him or a roomful of people.

      Who is looking for a happy ending? There is no such thing. To be happy in the moment is all there is really… every precious moment not tainted by everyday discontent.

      I don’t inhabit some shadowy world where there is no light in my life when he is not there. I like being in the background of his life. I enjoy when we go out to lunch too. I like kissing him farewell and returning to my own space.

  13. Sadly, we go to lunch every.single.day. His wife works part way between my job and his- and we freely go out in public together every.single.day. Not to mention “Cocktail” nights at our “spot”- as well as, dinner on occassion at a fancy restaurant. Complete with affection and bellowing laughter…. In fact, I am taking him out for his birthday… in public- where we will have wonderful steak dinners- then go out to dance…

  14. Its so great to here about you too. I have a problem. I’m in a relationship with a married man. I love his and he says he is as well. And I believe him. He has a very caring wife and a son. I know them both. He will never devorce her, he had told me so. We have lot in common, we like the same things. We go for dancing classes and do things together. But really make sure that no one is around who knows us both and him and his family. We work in the same office, but he will resign and starts his own work by end Dec 2012. Some times its so hard to accept who he is, amarried man. These days I’m thinking of bailing out. I’m 36 and he is 44.

    • Well, Miss, here’s the thing: if his wife is “very caring”, why is he with you? He’s told you that he’ll never divorce his wife. Are you willing to stay in this affair knowing that you will always have to be “in hiding”?

  15. I am finally with my married man but I get name called and slated all the time …have you guys had this too?

  16. Hello The Other Woman! Well- it’s a year later since I have posted on this blog and I am still with my man. As I have said before, all of our relationships are unique and one cannot judge this. My man told me on Day One that he will never divorce his wife. He has a personal vow to take care of her forever. She has many health issues. I love him for that. He has told me he loves me. I love him too. It can be hard and challenging at times. However, I see where some of these relationships have lasted for years! I do understand how that can happen! Overall, we cherish the times we spend together. I just wonder if it will last. I will check back in a year to see if I’m still in the same boat. It will be interesting to check in every June. Good luck and God bless to all the other women out there who have found themselves in this kind of relationship.

    • Hi, Miss Priss!

      You are one example of why sometimes, divorce is NOT an option.

      Yes, this path is very hard and challenging and I know some will be thinking “Well….you asked for it”. No…most of us did NOT ask for this, but it happened. There are times when this is the best solution for everyone: The wife gets her house, car, bills paid and time for herself. She also gets a husband who comes home a little less stressed because he knows that he is loved, which makes for less fighting in the house. The kids also have a stress-free dad who is able to spend time with them. Not an ideal situation, but it works. I don’t think anyone who has never been in an affair/relationship with a married person can understand this.

      I’m glad things are working out for you and your guy! Looking forward to hearing from you next year! :-D

  17. Hi. I’m glad I googled my stupid question today as I found this :)
    I am not looking for advice on whether to stay or not…that’s my call. I am looking more for a how to or rules of engagement so to speak. Here it goes.
    We became business partners then friends. Then amazingly close friends. I asked for advice or vented to him about the loss of my alcoholic husband…he asked advice or vented about his alcoholic wife. I have been to alanon, I had some answers.
    Yup. It lead to sleeping together. We agreed this wasn’t to become more haha right. Now it’s more.
    my question. He makes excuses for her behavior, I personally see this at our business. I want to know the best way to withstain our relationship yet withdraw from that part of his life. I’ve been in his shoes and know it’s very u unhealthy for me personally to get caught up in his.
    Any ideas?

    • Lori…

      As a member of Al-Anon, you can tell him that the longer he makes excuses for his wife’s behavior, the longer he will be enabling her. You may also suggest that HE attend an Al-Anon meeting or three. He will learn a lot and hopefully see that his making excuses isn’t benefiting anyone, including his wife. Al-Anon helped you, so I’m hoping you can convince him to give it a try.

      That’s my idea. :-D

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