Holiday Time with Your Married Man

The holidays are here.   This time of year can be very challenging when you’re in a relationship with a married man.  This is especially true if there are young children involved.

When your married lover has young kids, don’t expect to see him on holidays.   Thanksgiving, Christmas, Chanukah, Halloween, even New Year’s Eve and Day, Valentine’s Day, Easter and any other “family days” all belong to his child.  Actually, I think I’d worry about my man’s character if he DIDN’T want to spend these days with his child.  Think about it.  If a man is willing to ditch his kid on Christmas, what will he do to you???  Even if he is with you on Mother’s Day, if he can disrespect the mother of his child by being with you, how can you expect him to respect YOU?

Today is Christmas Eve.  My guy’s daughter is in a Christmas pageant at their church.  All the CCD kids need to participate, and he will be there supporting her.  Tomorrow, he will spend the day with his daughter and since she is off from school until after the new year, he took the week off from work to stay home to watch her.  He has vacation time, his wife doesn’t, so he does this every year.

Now, how do I handle all this?  Well, we made our own “holidays”.   Yesterday was kind of like “Festivus” (thank you George Costanza!!!).  The other night, we went food shopping and we bought the makings for Friday night dinner.  What I didn’t know is that he was planning on surprising me by taking off from work and spending the entire day with me.  He called me at 5:30 as usual, but at 6:00, he was already hanging up the phone (normally, we talk until 6:45 or so).  The next thing I knew, my dogs were barking like crazy and he was coming in.  That’s when I surprised him:  I told him that I had afternoon plans with friends to play miniature golf!  He understood completely since he knows I wouldn’t blow off my friends at the last minute.

So, after sleeping in, we went out for breakfast and some last minute shopping, I went with my friends, then when I got home, we started making our dinner.  We work really well together in the kitchen.  After pigging out on prime rib, garlic mashed purple potatoes and fresh string beans with slivered almonds, we  just hung out watching a movie.  I love “holidays” like that!  No pressure….nothing to do but enjoy the day.

I will see my man during the week when his wife is home to be with their daughter.  I’ve been told that we have “things” to do.  A few of his cousins have invited us over to spend some time with them, so we’re going to make the rounds.  Then, next Friday, we’ll have OUR New Year’s Eve.

When you think about it, making your own holidays is perfect!  There are no crowds to deal with (unless you forget there’s a “real” holiday and try to hit a mall!), no limited menus if you plan on going out for a nice dinner and no inflated prices.  Tradition is what you make together.  Our tradition is just hanging out.  You may say that we do that all the time, but when I make a regular weekly dinner, I don’t usually make something like prime rib.  Also, we normally don’t have the entire evening devoted only to each other.

Yeah, there are trade-offs, but if you love each other, you make it work.  Next year, though, I’m sure that if he’s going to take a day off to be with me, he’ll tell me about it well in advance!


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15 thoughts on “Holiday Time with Your Married Man

  1. Holidays suck. I didn’t expect much, I knew we wouldn’t be seeing each other. He has the kids by himself all day because their mom is working. BUT I did expect a message or even a phone call. I finally talked to him on I’M but I had to initiate it and he has stopped answering. I’m hurt, he knows it. But he isn’t doing anything to reassure me. I’m hating holidays so far.

    • I never expect to hear from my guy on holidays. I’ve learned to just accept it. I know I don’t hear from mine because of the horrible phone service in his town, but he will call if he goes out of the area for whatever reason.

      It may have been hard for your man to keep IMing you with his kids around. Kids pick up on EVERYTHING!!!! It’s not easy never knowing when you will be hearing from him, but, if you stick it out, it does get easier. It’s taken me a lot of years to come to the peaceful zone.

  2. I was lucky to spend the holidays with my man. i recently found out that i was “the other woman” and have a lot of trouble dealing with it at times.

    I wonder why she doesn’t care that he’s on the phone with me 24/7 and spent christmas and new years with me. i guess she’s desperate for his wallet.

    His kids are grown up and not actually his.. i’m hoping to get to the peaceful zone.

    • Some wives tend to look the other way. They know something is happening, but they don’t want to confront it. They’re being taken care of, they have a house, they have a car and they don’t have to pay the bills. When their husbands are out, they are either out with other men, or they just hang out with their friends. They don’t have to answer to anyone.

      The peaceful zone takes time to reach, but eventually, you’ll get there.

  3. I came across your blog only a few weeks ago, and I am so happy that I did. I appreciate your courage to post your thoughts and your situation to where others have the opportunity to read it and see that they are not alone. This is such a lonely and difficult situation to be in. And I feel all too often like I have no one to talk to and that I cant because they would judge me because they do not understand what it is like. I never would have imagined I would get involved with a married man. Ever. I have always looked down on it, until it happened to me. It is an emotional roller coaster.

    My situation has been going on for only a short period of time. But my story is such a long, heartbreaking, difficult one. I am not the same person I used to be because of it. I am deeply in love with him now though. The best thing to do at this point would be to walk away. I feel like I have made so many mistakes, and he is mad at me. But he is my best friend.. we were close friends long before we started having feelings for each other. I want so much to get back to that and continue working on our relationship. But I am just not sure it is possible anymore. I just do not know where to go from here.

  4. I’m so happy I came across your blog today. The relationship I have is a distance one, and he’s married. Still, he makes time to spend with me in as many ways as people can when carrying on a distance relationship. This is a really new thing for me and we’ve not been “seeing” each other for long; not only the distance part but the “being the other woman” part.

    It helps to know that there are women out there who are not only “okay” with being the other woman, but who might actually prefer it. In my case I would rather NOT be involved with a married man, but he isn’t *just* a married man, he is HIM, whom I love deeply. A complex, funny, creative, magnificent guy who obviously has issues at home that have given me the opportunity to love him.

    Do I wish that he wasn’t unhappy? Yes. Do I wish we could be together? Yes. But life is life, and we do what we can.

    • I don’t think any of us really think it’s “OK” to be with a married man, but due to circumstances, we need to accept that it is what it is. For the most part, our men are unhappy at home and for whatever reason, can’t get out of a loveless marriage. It’s sad for them, it’s sad for us, their “secret” lovers, and it must also be sad for their wives.

      Yes, I’m sure we all wish the men we love weren’t married to other people, but, that’s just the way it goes sometimes. We recognize all the good qualities in our men,where their wives seem to have forgotten about them. As you’ve said, these wives have given us the opportunity to show these men that they ARE still attractive to someone and still loveable. The circumstances aren’t the best, but I know that I’m happy being with my man and he’s happy when he’s with me. As for the wives….I don’t know. If they were so unhappy, I would think that they would do something to change things in their marriages. Apparently, they aren’t, so I can only assume that they’re content with the way things are for them.

  5. Oh my, I have just come across your site today and it could not have come at a better time. My married lover’s wife found out about our relationship just before the holidays…he promised her our relationship would stop, but we were just unable to quit seeing each other. I know that he loves her, but I also know that he is deeply unhappy with her and that I give him something she cannot and never could. You and I have something very much in common, and it is not just the volleyball (I play beach volleyball every weekend!).

    One thing led to another, and we went back to constant texting, IMing, and seeing each other almost every day, sometimes twice a day. Then his wife found out, again. He told me she is leaving, and I told him he needs to take care of her right now and that we would see where things would go after they have taken care of their business. There are no children involved, thankfully. I made him promise to leave me alone, but I never expected how empty I would feel after not hearing from him for a week. Only a week, and I miss talking to him and hearing from him every day.

    His wife called me, and we talked on the phone for almost 3 hours. She blames me, she is angry at him, but I really know that the problems in their relationship belong to them, and them alone. She vacillated between calling me a whore and asking me to meet her for a drink. I know she is angry, but I also know something went very wrong in their relationship and that is the real reason he went elsewhere.

    Anyway, my story is very long and convoluted, but I thank you for sharing your story for others to read. It is quite brave and I commend you for it.

    • First, let me say….Beach volleyball?!?!? My legs hurt just thinking about it!!! LOL!! I played outdoors on a sand court at a bar (believe it or not) one summer. I commend you!!!

      When it comes to dating a married man, I listen to Doris Day….”whatever will be will be”. It’s so hard to not speak with someone who has been a big part of your life for a while. Going from talking every day to nothing isn’t easy. I have a week like that when my man goes on vacation with his family, though he does try to call a couple of time during that week. Even Sundays are hard when I don’t hear from him, so I know what you’re going through right now.

      I hope everything works out for the best for all concerned. You realize he needs to do what is right for him, and that’s a good thing. It also shows that not all of us OW are bad people. We really do care about our men and their families and don’t want to see anyone get hurt. Lots of people don’t understand that.

      I’m glad you like the blog. Thanks for reading! Good luck to you! Let me know how it all turns out.

  6. I just finished reading everything you’ve posted. I’m so glad that I found your blog as I have not found anyone whom I can really discuss OW things with… Many just don’t understand. I met someone about a year ago and for half a year we talked and got to know each other and became friends. We never flirted or anything… It was always pretty casual on a friend level… When I found out he was married, I refrained from hanging out with him. He asked me to grab coffee with him, and I turned him down a lot… One night I caved… And another night he asked to hang out… I ended up spending the night at their home as his wife was out of town and had taken the kids with her… We did not do “it” but i did sI have not met his children yet… But on a couple occasions he asked me to come over to hang out with him even though his kids were home… I never went because I wasn’t ready to meet his kids… When i realized i liked him, i avoided seeing him for months because I didn’t want to end up getting hurt… We still talked almost everyday even though I stopped seeing him… He still asked to see me, but I would always dodge/cancel/flake on him… A situation came up last week that will allow him for the next few months to be able to see me on a regular basis… I told him last week why I had been avoiding him and how I felt… We had a talk about what we were doing and how things could get really complicated if we see each other on a regular basis… He told me he really missed me during those months I wouldn’t see him… Anyway, yesterday he told me his wife will be gone and asked me to come over… He didn’t say anything about his children, but I’m sure they will be home with him too.

  7. How do you know when they really like you? I don’t expect him to leave her for me if we continue this affair and become more serious… Right now, my main concern is he trying to get into my pants or does be really like and care about me?…

  8. I’ve been the OW for almost 2 years now… Our “anniversary” is in just a little over 2 weeks. I just can’t help but feel so incredibly sad… Feeling as though there is nothing to celebrate… Except 2 years of my life taking a back seat. We are planning on going away for a long weekend (his wife found out about us 8 months ago so he pretty much does whatever he wants now), and granted, he spends every weekend with me, we talk everyday all day, he spends the night at my house many nights during the week as well… But it just doesn’t take away from the fact that at the end of the day he still really isn’t mine. I’m honestly dreading this “anniversary.” It just seems like a farse. I’ve waited to long for him to leave and to be with me… And this is just an “in your face” reminder than 2 years have passed… And it still hasn’t happened. Has anyone else experienced this??

    • I don’t even count our anniversaries. We just know that our relationship changed from a business/friendship to an intimate one sometime in August of 2002. So, this year will be our 10th year as a couple.

      Occasionally, in the beginning, I felt like you in the respect that I couldn’t fully understand why he wouldn’t be with me. I haven’t felt like that in a long time. I’ve tried to end it, but he was persistent. I decided quite a few years ago that I was just going to go along for the ride and see where it takes us. The thing is, I never think of being with him as a waste of time. We’re together whenever we have the chance, which is just about every day. At the end of the day, he goes home (talking to me on the phone the whole way) and I get the bed to myself. If I can’t sleep, I read, or watch TV without bothering anyone. I can have the window open all winter if I want (I love fresh air). He calls me every morning to talk on his commute to work. If I don’t want to cook, I don’t have to. We go out for dinner…sometimes, just to the local hot dog joint. I even pay sometimes!

      The only thing I worry about now is his daughter. She’s the one who will think of her life as a farce when she finds out that daddy has been seeing me for most of her life, yet tried to give her a “normal” childhood.

      Now, something I don’t get about your situation. If his wife found out about you, how is he still there? Apparently, they’re not trying to work things out since he’s spending more time with you. Are there kids involved? If there are, then it could be he’s not in a position to leave. How does his wife react when he doesn’t come home?

      There are things that we have to understand and accept if we want to stay with our MM. We chose to stay in the situation. As yourself what you would do if he was single. If you felt that your relationship was a farce with a single man, would you continue to see him? Would you continue to see him if he didn’t make you happy? If you were sad all the time? If you felt no reason to celebrate your being together? I guess it’s the old line that Dear Abby used to give: Ask yourself if you’d be better off with him, or without him. If you feel that you would be happier with your life and yourself without him, cut your losses and move on. I know it’s easy to say, and it took me a LONG time to get to that point in my life, but, right now, I can honestly say that if my guy made me unhappy, I would be able to leave. It wouldn’t be easy, but if I wanted to be miserable, I would have stayed married all those years ago. Give these things some thought.

  9. I love this site. Thanks for sharing which reflects what I’ve been through too. 

    I have a different situation here. I have been seeing a married man for 3 years and it is still not easy while I’m married. We were first love 20 years ago; we met up again 20 years later. We were young with restrictions from school and family, differences surfaced; we have to stay away from each other. 

    I was married and so is he. I ended my marriage last December when my ex found out about us. As for him, no matter how many times his wife intervened out of suspicions; he didn’t quit seeing me. In fact, he told me he will never let me go again. 

    He has 3 teens and yes, for every occasions, it’s family occasions. It definitely doesn’t feel good. I have many thoughts and many wishes. I don’t know where are we heading. Whatever his decision is, I respect it and I don’t ask for him to leave his family for me just because I did. I agree, he has to resolve any Differences he has with his wife.

    From the role of a wife to OW, I did not regret. I know how it feel like to move from being the first to the last. I left the marriage behind and move on as a person who is still so much in love with this man that I made such a call. 

    My family members didn’t support my decision but rather withdrawn from me. I am alone with 2 kids and still having alot of troubles coming from my ex who hasn’t get over with my decision with a vengeance. 

    It doesn’t matter how happy I was in a marriage but when come to loving the man who has always been there in my heart, I chose to be in love again with him and face the challenges I have ahead than to live with another regret. 

    Not many people have a second chance to love someone they love again. I pin no hope that we will ever be together but I just cherish now. 

    If he is someone you love and you are not sure if there will be any chance he make you his wife; don’t ask. Love him for he doesn’t feel good either to keep you at arm length if he loves you, but if time can tell, he will come to you.

    Whatever we choose to live as a OW or as the wife; life has a way to surprise us. 

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