In the Beginning…..

The relationship my MM and I have is NOT typical.  Most relationships like ours is limited to maybe one day a week, sometimes less.  I have the advantage of seeing my man almost every day.  It wasn’t always like that, though.

In the beginning, I would see him once a week when he came to work in the garage he rented.  This was before we actually had a relationship.  It was at a time when we were getting reacquainted as friends.  Even when our relationship turned into a romantic one, we still only saw each other once, or maybe twice a week.  Back then, we didn’t go out.  Our world consisted of my little patch of property.  We got take-out and watched movies.

I always knew his family, but didn’t spend time with them.  Our contact was usually just a wave in passing.  I never saw him visiting them, with or without his wife and daughter, so one day, I asked him why.   His wife refused to to see them, even though, at the time, they lived only 2 miles away.  She never liked his family…and there was a bit of an issue when his mom passed away, so she used that as an “I told you so” kind of thing.   He stopped talking to that side of the family.  I convinced him that they really weren’t bad people and it was time he got to know his aunts and cousins again.  That’s when our world expanded to include his aunt’s house.

I knew that he was unhappy with the school system where he lived, and that he was looking to buy a house, with a yard for his daughter, in a town where there were no gang problems, and the schools were highly rated.  I told myself that if he bought his wife a house, I would end our relationship.  I couldn’t grasp the idea that he was buying the house for his daughter, so she could have a yard to play in.  Obviously, his wife was moving in too, and that bothered me.  I couldn’t understand why he would want to further tie himself to a woman he claimed to no longer love.  When he finally did find a house, I told him that I was done.  I made sure I wasn’t home on weekends so there was no chance of running into him.  I wouldn’t answer my phone when he called.  This lasted about a month.

One day, I came home from work and he was here waiting for me.  We had a long talk about how I was feeling and how he was feeling and we both realized that without meaning to, we fell in love with each other.  This was about 2 years into our relationship.  Our world was still only this tiny area.  We didn’t even talk on the phone at this time.

A few years after he and his family moved into the house, we were talking about how it sucked that if we were having a good conversation, we had to end it when he had to leave to go home.  He told me that if he could, he’d call me all the time.  I decided to test that, so I got him a phone on my cell family plan.  I really never thought he’d call as much as he does.  That’s when our morning and evening commute calls started.  He would also call me when I went on vacation.  Every time he had a break at work, he’d call to find out what state I was in (I drive to Florida twice a year…alone).

On one of my vacations, I was in the pool with a couple other condo owners and we were talking about restaurants.  One of the guys was there alone because he had to come down on business and his wife and son couldn’t make it because of school.  He asked if I had ever gone to one particular restaurant, which was his favorite.  I hadn’t been there, so he asked if I would go with him the next night.  He was having a craving for their duck l’orange and he was leaving in two days.  :-D When my guy called later that day, I told him about the next night’s dinner plans.

Dinner was great and the guy I went with had no expectations of any “after dinner activities” (which was good because I know his wife and son).  The following morning, my guy called and asked about dinner.  I told him about the place and what we had and then we moved on to discuss other things.

I got back from Florida a couple days before my birthday.  On my birthday, my guy came over with a present and told me to get dressed because we were going out.  He took me to my favorite steakhouse!  We had been together for almost 5 years, and we were laughing that this was our first “official” date.  The present was a really pretty necklace with two hearts, one inside the other, and a diamond.  As we were in the middle of dinner, he leaned over and touched the hearts and said something about how the larger heart was his heart protecting my heart…sappy, but sweet…and when he finished his little speech, I looked at him very seriously and said, “That’s sweet and all, but, I still don’t f**k on a first date.”  I should have waited until he swallowed that sip of Coke…..

After that first date, we decided that we needed a date night every week.  Once a week turned into dinner almost every night.  On date night, we go to a nice place where we have to wear grown up clothes, while on the other nights, we’ll just go out for hot dogs, hamburgers or wings.  We have our regular places and the servers all know us as a couple.  We go to the local Dunkin Donuts so much that they know what we want without us having to say anything.

In those first years, there were the discussions about why he can’t be with me if he’s so unhappy with his marriage.  I would tell him it was over, he would convince me that we belong together.   The worst part of it was his vacation time.  His daughter deserved a fun vacation even though her parents didn’t get along, so every year, they all go on a family trip.  I’m still not happy with that, but, it is what it is.  Even when he’s away, he brings “our” phone and calls me whenever he can.

I don’t even remember when it happened, but there was a time when I realized that I actually liked our arrangement.  I got my bed to myself.  I could come and go as I please.  If I wanted to go shopping, I didn’t have to OK it with anyone.  I don’t have to either lie awake tossing and turning or leave my bed to go to another room to read when I can’t sleep.  I don’t have to clean up after anyone else (even though HE does most of my housework).  I can cook when I want to, not because I HAVE to.

The one thing that I regret to this day is that I don’t know his daughter.  Whenever she has some extracurricular activity that he goes to, I wish I was able to go.  We’ve had talks about what will happen when she finally does find out about me.  Personally, I think she’ll resent me.  He thinks differently.  I worry about how she’ll react when she finds out that her childhood has basically been a lie.  I worry that she’ll grow up thinking that it’s “normal” for a married couple to not share a room, or show any affection to each other.  I went through that when I was a kid and it wasn’t easy to get over it.  It took me a long time to be able to openly show affection for someone.  Some therapist is going to make a LOT of money!  It’s sad, but I can’t tell him what to do when it comes to raising his child.  I also feel bad that she has cousins she doesn’t even know, but that’s also not up to me.

All in all, we’re happy.  He does realize that I may not be around forever.  Who knows what the future holds?  I could decide that I don’t want to be left out of the little things anymore.  I also realize that if his wife decided that she’s had enough of him not being home that he could end it with me rather than chance losing his daughter.   It’s been a long journey getting to acceptance, but I’m there now.  I’m not “settling”…I just decided to stop stressing over what I can’t (and don’t really want to) change.

 

 

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15 thoughts on “In the Beginning…..

  1. So I’ve read about how your relationship was in the past, and i kind of need a bit of advice. I’ve been with my MM for 9months now, and i constantly find myself going back and forth about if im going to leave or stay. My heart tells me he does care about me, but then my mind wants to disagree. I actually work with my MM, and we’ve known each other for over 4 years. And for about that much time I’ve known about his marriage being “undesirable”. Everyone at our job knows that his marriage is over, and they all say he is a great guy. I feel like he just had his “light” stolen from him when he got married. And he has two sons so im not trying to force him to leave. But i just find it hard to get past my mind and its thoughts. None of my friends know about our relationship so i don’t really have anyone else to ask, and since you’ve been through a similar situation i thought maybe you’d have advice. It would be greatly appreciated :)

    • There are things about your relationship that you need to keep in mind. You and your man work together, which could be uncomfortable if things either get out in the open, or don’t work out. I work with my man too, but it’s not at a job that I need to survive. I started working with him so we could spend more time together on weekends during the “season”, so if, for whatever reason, I decide to end the relationship, I don’t have to keep that job. However, if I still want to continue with it, I don’t have to work events that my MM works.

      The only thing you can do is either accept that he may never leave his wife to be with you, or you can move on. When dating a married man, we have no rights. We can’t tell them what to do when it comes to their families. My man will sometimes ask for my advice on what he should do for particular situations regarding his daughter. He trusts my opinion in raising kids since even though I’ve said I’m as maternal as a rock, I’ve successfully raised two sons who, as adults, actually don’t hate me. :-) I’ve been through a lot with them and have handled anything thrown at me. I’ve learned that you need to choose your battles and I’ve tried to let my guy know that he can’t ALWAYS say “no”…sometimes, you need to choose the lesser of the two “evils” to agree to. Other than giving an opinion, I still have no right to say how his child should be raised.

      Statistically, a married man won’t leave his wife to be with his mistress. Even if he did, there’s no guarantee that the mistress will ever fully trust her man. After all, he DID cheat on his first wife. Are you prepared for this?

      Even though you feel his “light” was stolen from him when he got married, apparently HE didn’t feel that way since he went on to have two kids with his wife. Because he is a great guy, he probably will stay thinking it’s the right thing to do. I can’t tell you what to do. All I can do is ask you to think things through. Knowing that he will probably not be leaving his wife, can you continue on in a relationship that none of your friends can know about? How long will it take before one of them starts trying to “fix you up”? Are you planning on keeping this relationship secret forever, or will you start breaking the news to your friends gently? I think it would get tiring trying to hide a relationship, especially one that I’m happy in. My friends know when something is up (good or bad) in my life, and it would only be a matter of time before they started asking questions. If your friends ask, will you lie to them? So much to think about, but you do need to think about what is going to make YOU happy. His happiness shouldn’t be your problem because he made his decision to get married. If he has a problem with his marriage, you can’t fix it. But, you CAN fix it if YOU aren’t happy. Do some soul searching. Find what’s right for you.

  2. Just dropping by to say – it’s been a couple months. Saw my MM 4 out of the last eight days and haven’t missed talking to him for a single day in over a month. First anniversary coming up – and all is perfect. We are both in love for the first time in our lives, and it’s the most amazing thing. We rarely have a blip of trouble, and that’s been for six months now for even a blip; really.

    These things are never planned or intended, sometimes they just happen. As of now, I’m not going anywhere and by his behavior, neither is he.

    Just wanted to check up on you – happy that things are still going strong for you as well. ♥

    • Thanks for checking up! Yep…things here are still going strong! We have our fights, but we talk it out and get over it. It’s a “normal” relationship, which is something many can’t understand.

      Glad you and yours are happy as well!

      • We have our blips, rarely, but they aren’t even fights, as once we are both honest about all that is in our lives that’s firing us up? It’s generally not anything that one of us has done to each other – almost always, the sideways anxiety from everything else… because, we are the only “each other” that we trust to let that anxiety out. both of use are very careful never to let that go on our SUs or family – always? protection mode. and that is? more than okay, of a trade, for what we have… away from all of that.

  3. The married guy I was seeing has decided to work things out with his wife, supposedly. We were really good friends before and work together. Its so hard to see him sometimes and its hard to really believe its over with us. I dont push the issue with him, but I know he loves me and I love him. Sometimes I feel like I should leave and let the friendship and the job go. I just can’t make myself stop caring, plus I love the job.

    • Hi, Maria…

      First….DON’T QUIT A JOB THAT YOU LOVE!!!!! It’s so hard to find work right now, and even harder to find something you love. I know it’s hard to see him every day, but don’t let that force to to lose your job on top of the hurt of losing him.

      If I remember correctly, a couple of months ago, your MM was thinking about having a discussion with his wife about working things out. I guess they had that discussion. The decision was made between them to work things out and you seem to be accepting that, which is good.

      It’s hard to turn off feelings, so you really can’t stop yourself from caring, but you can take charge over how you handle it all. Sometimes, it’s easy for us to focus on all the good in a relationship. When there’s a breakup, we need to learn to focus on the bad. Instead of thinking about all the times he made you happy, try to remember all the times he made you sad or mad. At least that way, you won’t be looking through those “rose colored glasses”. For starters, instead of remembering what a wonderful guy he was when you were together, think about how he chose a woman he claims stole from him and only was nice if there was a payoff involved.

      I’m sorry you’re going through this right now. It’s something all of us OW need to be prepared for. In our situation, we need to hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Sounds cliche, but for us, it’s a necessity to save a bit of our sanity.

      I wish you luck with whatever happens with you. Just, PLEASE, don’t quit your job!!!! :-D

  4. I am glad I found your blog :) It ended with my MM after one and a half years. He couldnt manage his time – he has a 5 year old daughter. We were in the same company, we spent at least 3-4 evenings a weel and almost every lunch together. But a year later, I could see that work was taking its toll on him.. so the evenings became almost nil.. we still spent lunchtime together.. then, he changed jobs, but still in the area. But his workload increased, because the new job was an expanded portfolio. We started seeing each other perhaps an hour a week at most… the smses and calls became less frequent. In most part, I think what affected me was that slowly I couldnt feel that I was a part of his life anymore.

    I honestly dont think it was his fault per se, but more so that he just couldnt deal with everything. And naturally, the daughter and career had to be prioritised.. I could also tell that the stress of fitting me in somewhere was taking its toll on our relationship. I have asked myself many times, if he loved me enough, couldnt he have made time for me? I cant answer that.

    He has texted me twice since we ended it half a year ago, that he misses me. But he hasnt suggested getting back together, so neither have I. He hasnt done anything either. I miss him like crazy, but I cant rationalise getting back together with him – I think that if we both loved each other enough, it wouldnt be the amount of time spent together, but previously I could feel that he was constantly thinking of me – even if he was busy and we couldnt meet, I would still know what was going on in his life, hewould call, text or just be contactable. All of that somehow disappeared in the last 6 months – and I didnt know how to reverse it.

    Perhaps he just realised he didnt love me as much, didnt love me enough or didnt love me anymore. We never talked about it. I bailed, and he let me bail out of it. Till today, it still hurts.

    • A breakup is never easy. There are usually so many questions like the ones you’ve been asking yourself. Was it me? Was it him? Why did he let me go without a fight? etc. Maybe one day, the two of you will run into each other and, if you’re still curious, you can have your questions answered.

      His daughter is only 5, so I’m sure he hated missing the little milestones in her life. She was probably the deciding factor for him. There are only so many hours in a day. How does one fit in work, children AND a lover? He obviously couldn’t stop working. Also, his child had to come first. Unfortunately, you were “expendable”. As OW, we all need to realize that. We can either accept it or move on.

      It’s been 6 months since you left him, so have you started dating again yet?

  5. Hey OT, I have recently, for the first time become the OW to a guy that is not married but living with another. He persued me for months and I always argued that I had a moral compass and would not do (after being cheated on by previous partners I could seee the otherside). What, oh what do I wish to ask – you say? We are experiencing a more than pleasant interlude and I am enjoying the bejeezes out of it BUT how do you ever smother the iner voice that says “maybe one day…” or ” “he says things that intimate that you could be the one”? We sext ALL the time and I see him at least once a week and he lives an hour away!!! I’m pretty sure I just need a reality check – give it to me – both barrels blazing. :-) Thank you for reading my rant – arghhhhhhhh.

    • Hi, Mia!

      Your situation is a bit different because your guy isn’t married. Does he have kids with the woman he’s living with? If so, that would make it difficult for him to leave. If there are no kids involved, there’s another reason he’s staying in his current relationship. Before you get in too deep, have a long talk with him about this. See if his explanation for staying makes sense.

      It’s really great when you discover someone you could have fun with! I completely understand that. Just be careful…don’t let him run your life. Find out all you can about his current living arrangement. Yes, it’s possible he could lie about not sleeping with his GF…just look for any “signs” that he’s lying. Have fun, but be careful. You don’t want to get hurt.

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