The Delusional Other Woman?

It’s been a long, busy summer for me.  This is pretty much the first time I’ve had a chance to sit down and post.  Sorry!

I have been reading all the comments sent to me, and I’m glad that there are some married men commenting.   It’s nice to get some feedback from these guys, but from some of the comments, I really don’t think they grasp that not all men in an extra-marital relationship are the same (even though some commented on the post “Are All Cheating Husbands the Same?”).

I, for one, am not delusional when it comes to my relationship.   I know that even though his wife must know about me, yet hasn’t yet confronted him, that could change at any time.  I have never been told by my MM that his wife has no clue.  I guess his home life is run like the military; don’t ask, don’t tell.   Yes, I believe she does know because I can’t see how she DOESN’T know, but I will not encourage him or anyone else to throw our relationship at her.   She obviously likes living in her cocoon, safe from having to live on her own.

I received a few comments from a Former MM.  I’d just like to address some of the things he said.  While I agree with some, I do not agree with others.  He seems to lump all men having relationships with other women in the same category.

Former MM says (His comments are in bold, my responses are next to his, but in italics):

Unless the MM is suffering from some mental issues, he will exhibit some very classic traits that when viewed all together.. will likely have the wifes gut screaming.. Even if she has no concrete proof of an affair.. She will eventually know something Is up

1. Phone never leaves the side. Password protects everything  (his phone is with him at all times.  His job requires it.)
2. closes computer window when wife comes in room  (he absolutely HATES computers!)
3. Reduction in intimacy    (his wife rejected him time and time again.  This is what eventually made him turn to me.)
4. Will be snippy to downright snarly with her and kids  (can’t say.  I’m not in the home, though I know she is “snarly” with him.  I never heard him talk snippy to his child)
5. Goes out and is unaccounted for or unreachable for hours  (he’s reachable by phone always.  Even when he’s with me)
6. Changes appearance  (didn’t happen.  Neither of us thought to even ask the other to change anything)
7. More grooming. Manscaping becomes a thing.  (Ew.  No way)

While this may be true for some, it’s not true for others.  (Good…some acknowledgement here)

Affairs never happen in a vacuum. Emotional states will shift, and patterns of behavior will change. While I did eventually confess to my wife, she had been on to me for months. She just didn’t have any proof… yet.

Just because your MM says their wife is completely unaware.. don’t believe it.  (I have never been told she doesn’t know)

Another comment went on to say:

Actually.. I think the overwhelming majority of MM in affairs are basically the same. I guess that was my point. Save for a few minor details someones MM is not that special snowflake. The ugly truth is that they almost all behave in a similar manner. I have seen how myself and others have acted and there are a lot of very stark similarities.

The common lies.
Staying for the kids  (This happens more times than a lot of people realize.  It’s not right, IMO, but it’s what the MM needs to do if he feels it’s right  for the child)
Spark out of the marriage.. its over.  (It happens.  In this case, he tried to make things work when his wife first told him she didn’t want to be touched in any way)
Sexless.. no intimacy.  (Again…this happens more times than is realized)
Separate rooms/beds  (My guy has his own room)
My spouse is cheating on me.  (Not something I was ever told)
I’ll be filing for divorce once we’re in a better place financially.  (Another thing I was never told)

Some of these points may actually be true. But they are still excuses. If life were really that bad.. they would get the divorce.   (Not really.  I’ve seen what some people do to drag out a divorce just so more money is spent.  The only ones winning are the attorneys)  The fear of remaining in an unhappy marriage has to surpass the fear of the unknown of the divorce.  (It’s not fear of the unknown.  It’s fear of his child being taken away, emotionally if not physically) Many of those points were true for me.. but while I wasn’t particularly happy.. it wasn’t terrible  (That’s your case, not all)

Your man stays with his wife because he wants to. Not because I know him, but because I know human nature. People always behave in a manner consistent with their desires. There are options. Uncomfortable and sometimes downright painful options but they are there. He has you convinced its all about his daughter, THAT is the point I don’t buy.  (And you have every right not to buy it.  However, I know this is the truth.  He’s there for her.)

Your “Man”’s daughter is in her teens. Sure, his wife could be a major pain in the backside, but denying visitation? Not bloody likely. Not at this age. There are just too many ways to communicate and facilitate meetings.   (You are forgetting one important  point:  how does a man stop his ex-wife/wife from brainwashing the child against him?  Are you so naive as to think this doesn’t happen?)  Yes.. I have seen enough claims of abuse being made, but the courts are not blind to the context. The burden of proof would be on her. And do you think the daughter would back those claims up?  (No one said anything about abuse.  But the mother has poisoned the child’s mind against his family.  I have no doubt she will do the same with him.  I’ve heard some comments the wife has made to the child about him and it’s not pretty.)

There were some other statements made that can be read in the comments section.  I just find no need to kick a dead horse by giving responses again….

I did see you mention in another post that you don’t think he’s cheating on you. But truly.. what do you think that the odds are.. that within the last 10 years or so.. that he hasn’t had sex with his wife? Yeah.. no desire for intimacy,.. I heard that part. Month? Sure. 6 months? umm.. ok. Year? Yeah.. not buying it. I have seen some pretty combative, toxic and seemingly indifferent relationships where sex was still happening. Bottom line.. I still think he’s having sex with her. I’ll buy not very often, but in 10 years? Ill stick with the odds on that one.  (Here is what leads me to believe Former MM hasn’t read all of my posts.  It’s not my guy who stopped having sex with his wife; SHE no longer wants to be touched.  It happens.  Some women go through the motions of liking sex, but they don’t.  They will use any excuse not to do it.  I know when I knew my marriage was over, every night, I would “fall asleep” on the couch knowing that my husband wouldn’t bother to wake me to come to bed.  You can believe what you will, but I know in my heart that he’s not cheating on me with his wife or anyone else.  We have discussed this, and he did confirm that in the beginning, when our relationship was just an affair, she would consent to sex once in a while.  It got to be too much of a chore to even ask, so after about 6 months or so, he stopped asking and she never offered.)

Regardless.. I don’t see how you would give people help on being the OW, when even in this outlier of affairs that you claim to be in, its hardly an ideal relationship. We all go into any relationship knowing.. that one day it may end. If we are truly happy.. we would like that it wouldn’t.. but that is the reality of a relationship. However, most of us aren’t in a relationship where the Sword of Damocles is so prominently positioned above their head. Hardly something to strive for.  (Any relationship could end at any time.  Does that mean we should never try?  At any given moment, life could step in and give us all a blow.  Not  perfect?  No.  But what relationship is perfect?  Anyone thinking this is the delusional one.)

My OW used to say.. and I believed her.. that the most painful thing for her was when I left her to go home. It sparked many a row between us. Why she settled for me in the relationship we had is beyond my comprehension. Similarly.. why you settle for this is equally beyond my comprehension.   (In the beginning, I used to feel lonely when he left.  Now, I find that I have just as full of a life when he’s not with me.  I meet with friends at least once a month for girls’ night.  In fact, some of these friends will be coming with me on vacation soon.  Do I miss him when I’m away?  Not really.  After all, he calls me every day.  This is my time to do things that I don’t do with my guy.  Nothing wrong with that.   Besides, I really do like my alone time.  I don’t feel that I’m settling for anything.)

So, even though this Former MM feels that I’m settling and being cheated on, I know he’s wrong.  That may have been true with his OW, but I know my situation is different.  EVERY situation is different.  I am luckier than most OW because I have a lot of time with my MM.   also have a lot of time alone.  I’m happy with it either way.

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12 thoughts on “The Delusional Other Woman?

  1. I’m a casting director at Firecracker Films in Los Angeles. We are working on a thoughtful new documentary series called “Diary Of My Affair.”

    Essentially, the idea of the documentary is to challenge viewers’ perceptions of what it means to have an affair or be “the other woman” – the feelings, thoughts, motivations, etc. of women who are on both sides of the equation. We want to give viewers an insight from real women with real experiences

    Do you know any women who would be interested in sharing their past stories with us?

    • OK….call me skeptical, but is this for real?!?!? LOL! Personally, I don’t know anyone in this situation. Only those who write to me, so, I’ll put it out there….what have I got to lose? Sounds like it could be interesting! :-)

      Ladies? Anyone interested? If I do this, can I wear a cool pink or purple wig and really big dark glasses so I’m not recognized? ;-)

  2. I do think you are lying to yourself, about his honesty, and for that, you have to be aware on some level that your guy is at least capable of such a long standing lie. He is in a 10 year affair after all. Forget the wife.. he lies to apparently the most important person in his life; his daughter. To think he doesn’t lie to you is foolish. We are trusting animals. We want to believe in the best about those closest to us. It doesn’t make us delusional.

    And I did read quite a bit. I know he claims to be in a loveless/sexless marriage based on her desire.. or lack therof…and you believe it based not only on what he has said, but what friends and family have also said. Fine, I simply don’t buy it. 10 years? Not by a long shot. None of those people live with them. Sure, she may be a shrill harpy and all around horrible person, but unless they are there.. all the time… they have no real idea about what is really going on.

    Your first highlighted comment was out of context. I wasn’t commenting directly about your situation, but the general situation for the OW. I should have used “a” instead of “your” where appropriate. Sure, the OW has the power to blow everything out of the water. However, the responsibility for not getting caught lies almost solely with the MM. Even if the OW followed all the steps laid out not to get caught, it is the MM sloppiness and conscience that generally gets them caught. Yes, some can go for years hiding it, but that’s the exception and not the rule. You have certainly addressed many time that your current relationship is the exception, not the rule for the OW.

  3. I just came acrossed your blog so not sure what has been covered so far:
    Here is another reason I just came across when I met a man who wants to start an affair with me.
    “I’m marrying (yes they are not even married yet) her in order to stay in this country but already she won’t have anything to do with me sex wise. If only I’d met you first.”
    He’s afraid that if he doesn’t go through with the process of the marriage (which evidently takes lots of paperwork and time before it happens in order to do it legally) they will not ever let him attempt it again and may make him go back to his country. Should I believe him? I don’t know…
    Thanks
    Beth

    • Hi!

      I’d be careful about this one. Think about it…if she no longer wants him, why would she want to spend years of her life tied to someone she doesn’t love or want sexually, even if it is to help him stay in the country? I know I can’t imagine doing that, unless they have an agreement to date others. If he tells you this is the case, I would be asking to speak with HER about it. After all, it’s not to late for her to back out. She has nothing to lose.

      Another thing to think about is that if this marriage doesn’t take place, how can you be sure he won’t use you for the same thing? Seriously…think things through.

      Best of luck to you.

  4. I just came across your blog and I love it. I, too, am an other woman. We were involved before he met his wife, while they dated and again after they got married. It’s a long story why we didn’t end up together, but not because we never tried.

    Not sure whether I believe everything he says, but there are a few things I have learned over the past 6 years, for certain:

    1. Happily married men don’t have affairs. They may cheat, but they don’t fall in love.
    2. He will always be the man who cheated on his wife. You’re not his wife, so he isn’t cheating on you.
    3. It’s ok to admit that the relationship actually works for you.

    Good luck and thanks for sharing!!!

    • Thanks for reading. It’s so good to hear from people who aren’t quick to judge and who understand.

      Good luck to you!

  5. Came across this..

    The bottom line is that you are in a “relationship” that is one huge lie. It is a lie that you are “with” him. It is a lie that he goes home every night. He’s lying to you that his marriage is sexless, it is a lie that he’s at home for his daughter. And you choose to accept this lie because it suits whatever need you have to be part of this lie. Even though I sound like I’m judging your relationship, I’m not.. The fact is simply that in order to do what he’s doing, he must lie and lie and lie. Just going home and pretending to be part of that family is a lie and that is fact no matter how you slice it.

    If he’s willing to do this WITH you then he will be willing to do this TO you. And for whatever reason, you have no issues with this, and you buy whatever he tells you because (and I suspect) you really don’t care.. and if he ever did become divorced and available, I doubt you’d stay long.. I think you’d move on to another married man. Full attentive, boring, commitment isn’t drama enough for you.. and I don’t think you even know that…

    • Hello, Heide….

      Well, I’m glad you told me that you weren’t judging my relationship because I never would have figured that out by the tone of your comment.

      First, let me say that my relationship isn’t a “lie”. It does exist and it has existed for a little over 10 years now. It’s not a “lie” that he goes home every night, because he does (unless he’s staying with me that night, which is kind of rare). I’m sure he doesn’t leave my house at 10 PM to go to another OW’s house to be with her, then get up at 5 AM to go to work. The poor man would never sleep!

      What you don’t seem to understand is that I’m not “buying” anything that he tells me…I know that he’s with me (even though not in the way you feel is appropriate) because of how our relationship is. He gets out of work and calls me so we can talk as he’s driving to my house. He hangs up the phone when he’s in my driveway. We will either go out to eat, or I will have made us a nice dinner (which I’m not forced to do because I really love to cook).

      As for what he tells his wife…I have no idea. I really don’t think he tells her anything. He just leaves the house in the morning to go to work and he gets home when he gets home. She doesn’t wait up (I know this from when I drove him home a few times when his car broke down…not a light on in the house).

      My MM’s marriage is HIS concern, not mine. He knows his wife and what she is capable of doing to him financially and what damage she can do to his relationship with his child. It’s not my place to tell him what he has to do with his marriage, though in the beginning, I did suggest that instead of being with me, he should go to marriage counseling (I’m not some 23 year old, perfectly toned, raging nympho, so IMO, it would be no great loss to him if he made his marriage work and left me). Our relationship is mostly emotional with our friendship coming first. Sex is a big part, but that is the least of it. I don’t feel that a relationship can survive if it depended on sex as the glue. Passion is good, but passion fades. When that happens, what is left?

      Since you don’t know me, I don’t see how you can say that if he became available, I wouldn’t stay long and that I would find another married man. You couldn’t be more wrong on that. I got into this affair without knowing my MM’s marital status (true, I didn’t ask the right questions, but he always SEEMED single) and it turned into a relationship once we developed honesty with each other. I hate drama and our commitment to each other is long-term. However, I’m so glad that you know me so well that you know how much I crave drama, yet I do not realize that in myself. Oh….wait….you don’t know me at all! OK…can you stop judging now?

  6. You contradict yourself many times over in your reply.

    The only facts you have is that he lies repeatedly and often to his wife.. in order to remain in his “marriage facade” he’d have to.

    If she were as “evil, conniving, and vindictive” As you have been led to believe? Then she would have already come after you and set out to “ruin” him.

    You trust him when you have proven facts in front of you that he can not be trusted.. you accept what he tells you because you have your own agenda in this relationship you keep going on with.

    You “can’t stand drama!?” Your relationship is based on drama.. it’s all you have.. you actually pretend that it’s either normal or any form of healthy.

    I am sad for you. When did you decide that taking you for granted and being someones option was the best you would ever deserve?

    • Heide….

      You misunderstand what I’m saying. My guy has been told by his wife that if he tries to leave the marriage, she will take him for all he’s worth (which really isn’t all that much) and deny him visitation (let’s not go over that again. We all know that a court order sometimes means nothing). She’s not “evil” and I haven’t been told that she’s “evil” by him. His family, on the other hand, thinks she’s Satan’s sister. I don’t believe that. I just think she needs to let go of some things that happened early in her marriage. It’s over and done with.

      It appears that my guy’s wife likes things the way they are. Even though we aren’t flaunting our relationship in her face, there are certain events that occur that make it obvious that I’m the one he’s seeing. Does he lie to his wife? I don’t think he tells her anything. He leaves for work very early in the morning and gets home when he gets home. She doesn’t call him to find out where he is and he doesn’t call her to tell her he’ll be home late.

      You see, Heide, you seem to think that just because a man cheats, it means that he will ALWAYS cheat, no matter who he’s with. That’s not the case. Affairs happen for many reasons. If the marriage is dead, but there doesn’t seem to be a way out, it’s only a matter of time before one spouse or the other looks elsewhere for what he is she is missing. Once that is found, the reason to cheat is no longer there.

      You seem to think that I’m being taken for granted, but I have no idea where you got that impression from. My guy treats me great! We have a real relationship, whether or not you want to believe that. We enjoy each others company. We go out all the time, but we get things done at “home” when they need getting done (I’m talking about housework and yard work). We take walks together, we see family together.

      My guy knows that if I decide I want more out of this, he will be given a choice to make. Either he will be with me or stay with his wife…that will be up to him. But, if he chooses to stay with his wife, I will move on. Right now, this relationship works for both of us….and I suspect it works for his wife too since she has never called me and asked me to stop seeing her husband (like I said, she knows who I am and where I can be found). Some people don’t really want a marriage, but they want the security that a marriage gives them. I think this is the case here.

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