It’s been a long, busy summer for me. This is pretty much the first time I’ve had a chance to sit down and post. Sorry!
I have been reading all the comments sent to me, and I’m glad that there are some married men commenting. It’s nice to get some feedback from these guys, but from some of the comments, I really don’t think they grasp that not all men in an extra-marital relationship are the same (even though some commented on the post “Are All Cheating Husbands the Same?”).
I, for one, am not delusional when it comes to my relationship. I know that even though his wife must know about me, yet hasn’t yet confronted him, that could change at any time. I have never been told by my MM that his wife has no clue. I guess his home life is run like the military; don’t ask, don’t tell. Yes, I believe she does know because I can’t see how she DOESN’T know, but I will not encourage him or anyone else to throw our relationship at her. She obviously likes living in her cocoon, safe from having to live on her own.
I received a few comments from a Former MM. I’d just like to address some of the things he said. While I agree with some, I do not agree with others. He seems to lump all men having relationships with other women in the same category.
Former MM says (His comments are in bold, my responses are next to his, but in italics):
Unless the MM is suffering from some mental issues, he will exhibit some very classic traits that when viewed all together.. will likely have the wifes gut screaming.. Even if she has no concrete proof of an affair.. She will eventually know something Is up
1. Phone never leaves the side. Password protects everything (his phone is with him at all times. His job requires it.)
2. closes computer window when wife comes in room (he absolutely HATES computers!)
3. Reduction in intimacy (his wife rejected him time and time again. This is what eventually made him turn to me.)
4. Will be snippy to downright snarly with her and kids (can’t say. I’m not in the home, though I know she is “snarly” with him. I never heard him talk snippy to his child)
5. Goes out and is unaccounted for or unreachable for hours (he’s reachable by phone always. Even when he’s with me)
6. Changes appearance (didn’t happen. Neither of us thought to even ask the other to change anything)
7. More grooming. Manscaping becomes a thing. (Ew. No way)
While this may be true for some, it’s not true for others. (Good…some acknowledgement here)
Affairs never happen in a vacuum. Emotional states will shift, and patterns of behavior will change. While I did eventually confess to my wife, she had been on to me for months. She just didn’t have any proof… yet.
Just because your MM says their wife is completely unaware.. don’t believe it. (I have never been told she doesn’t know)
Another comment went on to say:
Actually.. I think the overwhelming majority of MM in affairs are basically the same. I guess that was my point. Save for a few minor details someones MM is not that special snowflake. The ugly truth is that they almost all behave in a similar manner. I have seen how myself and others have acted and there are a lot of very stark similarities.
The common lies.
Staying for the kids (This happens more times than a lot of people realize. It’s not right, IMO, but it’s what the MM needs to do if he feels it’s right for the child)
Spark out of the marriage.. its over. (It happens. In this case, he tried to make things work when his wife first told him she didn’t want to be touched in any way)
Sexless.. no intimacy. (Again…this happens more times than is realized)
Separate rooms/beds (My guy has his own room)
My spouse is cheating on me. (Not something I was ever told)
I’ll be filing for divorce once we’re in a better place financially. (Another thing I was never told)
Some of these points may actually be true. But they are still excuses. If life were really that bad.. they would get the divorce. (Not really. I’ve seen what some people do to drag out a divorce just so more money is spent. The only ones winning are the attorneys) The fear of remaining in an unhappy marriage has to surpass the fear of the unknown of the divorce. (It’s not fear of the unknown. It’s fear of his child being taken away, emotionally if not physically) Many of those points were true for me.. but while I wasn’t particularly happy.. it wasn’t terrible (That’s your case, not all)
Your man stays with his wife because he wants to. Not because I know him, but because I know human nature. People always behave in a manner consistent with their desires. There are options. Uncomfortable and sometimes downright painful options but they are there. He has you convinced its all about his daughter, THAT is the point I don’t buy. (And you have every right not to buy it. However, I know this is the truth. He’s there for her.)
Your “Man”’s daughter is in her teens. Sure, his wife could be a major pain in the backside, but denying visitation? Not bloody likely. Not at this age. There are just too many ways to communicate and facilitate meetings. (You are forgetting one important point: how does a man stop his ex-wife/wife from brainwashing the child against him? Are you so naive as to think this doesn’t happen?) Yes.. I have seen enough claims of abuse being made, but the courts are not blind to the context. The burden of proof would be on her. And do you think the daughter would back those claims up? (No one said anything about abuse. But the mother has poisoned the child’s mind against his family. I have no doubt she will do the same with him. I’ve heard some comments the wife has made to the child about him and it’s not pretty.)
There were some other statements made that can be read in the comments section. I just find no need to kick a dead horse by giving responses again….
I did see you mention in another post that you don’t think he’s cheating on you. But truly.. what do you think that the odds are.. that within the last 10 years or so.. that he hasn’t had sex with his wife? Yeah.. no desire for intimacy,.. I heard that part. Month? Sure. 6 months? umm.. ok. Year? Yeah.. not buying it. I have seen some pretty combative, toxic and seemingly indifferent relationships where sex was still happening. Bottom line.. I still think he’s having sex with her. I’ll buy not very often, but in 10 years? Ill stick with the odds on that one. (Here is what leads me to believe Former MM hasn’t read all of my posts. It’s not my guy who stopped having sex with his wife; SHE no longer wants to be touched. It happens. Some women go through the motions of liking sex, but they don’t. They will use any excuse not to do it. I know when I knew my marriage was over, every night, I would “fall asleep” on the couch knowing that my husband wouldn’t bother to wake me to come to bed. You can believe what you will, but I know in my heart that he’s not cheating on me with his wife or anyone else. We have discussed this, and he did confirm that in the beginning, when our relationship was just an affair, she would consent to sex once in a while. It got to be too much of a chore to even ask, so after about 6 months or so, he stopped asking and she never offered.)
Regardless.. I don’t see how you would give people help on being the OW, when even in this outlier of affairs that you claim to be in, its hardly an ideal relationship. We all go into any relationship knowing.. that one day it may end. If we are truly happy.. we would like that it wouldn’t.. but that is the reality of a relationship. However, most of us aren’t in a relationship where the Sword of Damocles is so prominently positioned above their head. Hardly something to strive for. (Any relationship could end at any time. Does that mean we should never try? At any given moment, life could step in and give us all a blow. Not perfect? No. But what relationship is perfect? Anyone thinking this is the delusional one.)
My OW used to say.. and I believed her.. that the most painful thing for her was when I left her to go home. It sparked many a row between us. Why she settled for me in the relationship we had is beyond my comprehension. Similarly.. why you settle for this is equally beyond my comprehension. (In the beginning, I used to feel lonely when he left. Now, I find that I have just as full of a life when he’s not with me. I meet with friends at least once a month for girls’ night. In fact, some of these friends will be coming with me on vacation soon. Do I miss him when I’m away? Not really. After all, he calls me every day. This is my time to do things that I don’t do with my guy. Nothing wrong with that. Besides, I really do like my alone time. I don’t feel that I’m settling for anything.)
So, even though this Former MM feels that I’m settling and being cheated on, I know he’s wrong. That may have been true with his OW, but I know my situation is different. EVERY situation is different. I am luckier than most OW because I have a lot of time with my MM. also have a lot of time alone. I’m happy with it either way.