What If…..?

Lately, I’ve been feeling like I need a change.  A new hair color or cut won’t do it…I mean a REAL change.  Maybe it’s just winter talking, but I’m miserable now that it’s cold out.

Every now and then, I go through periods where I feel like I need to move down to my Florida condo permanently, but once I focus on the “no four-legged pets” by-law, I change my mind.  When I had one quiet dog, I could hide him for a week when I went to visit.  I’d throw him in a backpack and even if I ran into someone in the elevator, they never knew he was there.  I’d take him out of the pack a block away from the building for our walk, then put him back in the pack just before we got back to the building.  It was nice and easy.  Now that I have two dogs, unless they change that by-law, I’m screwed.   OK…so it’s not just the dogs; I also have 4 bunnies and I’m not giving up any rabbits’ feet.  The only “legal” pet I have is a ball python, but would I piss off the condo gods when it was time for his “dinner party”?  All I need is for one of the old fogies to see me coming home with 5 white mice.

Anyway…every time I thought of moving to Florida, I thought Lauderdale condo.  Something changed on this last vacation:  I realized that if I sold my house in NJ, I could actually buy a condo in Key West!  This little epiphany hit me as my friends and I were walking down a side street in Key West and I saw a house with a “For Sale” sign in front.  DUH!  Yes…people LIVE there!!!!

Actually, I think this may be the only part of Florida that I would be absolutely at home in.  I did my research.  According to statistics, the hottest day on record in Key West was 97 degrees in 1880 and the coldest was 41 degrees in 1981.  Considering where I am now, we’ve had some weeks where the temperature has been over 100 degrees or below 20 degrees.  Hurricanes, you say?  HA!  For some reason, the keys aren’t really hard hit.  Yes, there have been some, but I could always plan to be out of town when a big one is set to hit.  I could deal.

My guy has been working long hours rebuilding the plant he works at after Hurricane Sandy destroyed much of it.    There never seemed to be a good time to discuss my “possible moving situation” with him, but I made the time the beginning of January (new year, new plans).  He knows I’ve been miserable here for quite a while (none of it having to do with him) and that I would be selling my house in the near future to get out from where I am.  The thing is, he always thought that I would be moving closer to where he lives, which is in the sticks.

January 4, I sat him down to tell him that I will NOT be moving to the middle of nowhere alone.  I told him that the only way I would consider moving closer to where he lives would be if he moved in with me.  If he couldn’t figure out a way to make that happen, then I would be looking in Key West unless he could find me a nice little house in a small town that I fell in love with.

He knows that this is going to take some time, but he also knows that I plan on going to Florida this year to spend Christmas and New Year’s Eve in Key West with some friends.  At that time, I’ll be looking at some properties that I will have picked out from online sources.

I don’t know if he would be able to make a move out of state with me right now because of his job.  I can’t ask him to leave a job with a good pension to follow my dream.  But, he also knows that I’m serious.  I didn’t give him an ultimatum; even if I move, we can try a long distance relationship, but he will have to make an effort to come down to see me every now and then.  I’ll still have one son in NJ, so I’m sure that I’ll be back every now and then, too.

During the year, we’ll be having these little talks about my move because he tends to think that if he ignores the issue, it will go away.  He needs to be prepared for when it actually happens.  Right now,  I feel that there are more opportunities, job-wise, down there for me.  If I can swing it, I’m ready to go.

So…we’ll see where this year takes me.  Right now, things will stay the same with me and my MM, but he has some thinking to do.  I’m not going to push; he has to figure things out on his own.  If he thinks a long distance relationship will work, that’s fine by me.  I could be perfectly happy in a new place.  Besides, I’m sure that by living in a paradise like Key West, I’ll have plenty of visitors!!!

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11 thoughts on “What If…..?

  1. I am soooo glad I found this blog!! It seems that our relationships are similar. It seems that we are with men who are married and cannot leave due to reasons. It’s a certain mentality.

    • They’ve been told for so long that if they leave, the wives will take them for every penny. Eh…whatever. It is what it is.

  2. I’m curious about whether you are still contemplating this move. I live in Florida, and my MM now lives at home in the southwest. After almost two years of living very close to each other we have managed a long distance relationship for nine months now, and it works quite well. Granted, I do most of the traveling because I have more flexibility. But, when he can, he travels to see me as well. I decided to spend the summer near him, because I can, and because it’s actually more financially feasible than making the trek across the country a few times during the summer. I also know that I would find a way to move out there if he ever decided to change his marital situation, but that’s unlikely, and perfectly fine with me. But, if you do end up doing the long-distance relationship thing, know that you are not alone, and it can not only work, but it can be good, in the right circumstances.

    • Hi, Mina!

      That would depend. If he is living with his baby-mama and she thinks it’s a committed relationship, then you are the OW. If he’s NOT living with his baby-mama, you are NOT the OW…you are his girlfriend. :-D

  3. Just checking in and reading your posts after months away, good luck with your move. I trust it will all work out, if it’s meant to, it does.

    Looks like I’ll moving in the next year to stay close to my MM and I’m perfectly okay with that… coming up on anniversary number 2 and we’ve been through it, but still and always, never fight or have a “row” as it appears that some MMs that are posting experience. We communicate lovingly and work out the bugs… no shouting involved,or nasty words exchanged.

    He’s not a “special snowflake” he and I were just lucky enough in our mid-lifes to find the love of our lives, mutually.

    It’s really that simple.

    • Hi, Bella!

      I’m still keeping an open mind about a move, but nothing is decided yet. I’m not in a position to leave now, but I am looking at condos and houses down south.

      Good luck in your move!!! I hope it all works out for you!

      It helps that you and your MM have an open line of communication. That’s necessary in all relationships. Those who have been in our situation can’t seem to grasp that not every MM/OW relationship is different, so they will always comment on why OURS won’t work for the reasons that theirs didn’t work. It’s unfair, but part of the territory. ;-)

    • I don’t expect him to move to be with me. I had always told him that if I’m thinking of something that would change what we have, I would tell him about it and give him an option. That’s what I did.

  4. Support for the OW has astounded me. What if OW’s just got their own man? To knowingly date a married man, is wrong. I knew a person that would steal cream cheese for a bagel because she thought the price was too high. What? Stealing is stealing. Until the MM is divorced, then they are not legally or ethically available for OW. Quite a few of the posts, that I have read here, allude to the harmful effects of affairs, particularly on the children. The OW accepting the advances of the MM, lessens the chance of any healing of the marriage. The OW, along with the MM, brings the possibility of STD”s to the wife, this disgusts me! I’ve never slept with anyone except my husband. As Lady Diana said, there’s not enough room in a marriage for three people. The entire premise of “not getting caught” because it hurts others, sums up the points that I’m making. To the cheating MM, I say, what if you try to work through your marriage problems or divorce before bringing another woman into our marriage bed!
    My marriage of 32 years is ending. We had our ups and downs. We both feel that we tried our best.
    So now at age 54, he is divorcing me. I hold him accountable for the affair. Like many men, at midlife, they line up the OW before asking for the divorce. I do not blame her for the ending of our marriage. Yet, the impact of the affair on my husband’s behavior has been bizarre. He has violated most of his core values to maintain this relationship with the OW. Even though our sons are older, I dread their finding out about this OW. Just having our family separated by divorce bothered them a great deal. Also, both of our sons, believe in fidelity.
    Also, in the divorce negotiations, my husband doesn’t want to honor his promise to take care of me financially when I quit work to raise our children. And in mentioning being accepted into a MM’s family as the OW…that’s asking a lot. My faith calls for me to forgive…all. I’ve already begun my prayers for the three of us in this triangle. Only through my faith, will I be able to forgive and accept.
    I am not without my own faults, and shortcomings, but this page makes me think of a support page that might be called “how to help other thieves, not be caught” because it will hurt others.

    • Well, Soon to be….

      Here’s the thing: If some wives would give their husbands attention and treat them the way they should be treated, those husbands wouldn’t even consider having an affair. It’s not just about sex with some men…it’s about an emotional connection that they may not be getting from their wives.

      I don’t know what your marriage was like, but, for whatever reason, your husband chose to start seeing another woman. Divorce was an option because your kids are no longer kids. Perhaps he found his OW before asking you for a divorce because like a lot of middle-aged men, he doesn’t want to be alone. After all, you did everything for him as his wife, so he has no clue how to take care of himself. He must feel that he’s better off having someone waiting in the wings. I don’t agree with this, but, that’s the mentality of some men.

      There is something else in your letter that I must address: True, if a married man is having one-night stands with multiple women, he DOES run the risk of bringing home an STD. However, in your husband’s case, it seems to me that he has ONE other woman who is faithful to him alone. You seem to be under the impression that ALL other women are filthy pigs who will screw anything that moves. You are also assuming that all married men are still sleeping with their wives. I know that after 10 years, I have no fear of my guy bringing any STDs to me and I will not be giving any to him. He also has no physical contact with his wife, so I don’t worry about HER seeing anyone and bringing something back to him.

      Not all OW are “thieves” out to steal husbands. Most of us found ourselves with these men AFTER their marriages were dead. Most of our MM tried to fix what was wrong with the marriage but the damage was irreparable long before the OW came into the picture. I know that I didn’t set out to fall in love with a married man and neither did many who read this blog.

      I do feel that your husband is wrong when he tells you that he will no longer support you after divorce even considering that you have stopped working in order to raise his children. That is for a Judge to decide. You are entitled to alimony, if not permanent, at least temporarily until you can get on your feet. You need to discuss this matter with your attorney.

      As for your sons…they need to realize that you and your soon-to-be ex are adults and that things happen in a marriage that can’t be fixed. The world is not a perfect place, but hopefully, with their values firmly in place, they will keep their belief in fidelity. But, they need to know NOT to judge their father. While they are adults, they are still fairly young and they don’t know what may happen in their marriages. As I’ve said many times, affairs aren’t all black and white…they happen for many reasons. I hope that they continue to give you the support you need while remaining in contact with their father. I also hope that you do not plant thoughts in their heads about the OW. Let them make their own minds up as to whether or not they want to “like” her. They may come to find that she is the one who makes their father happy, and for that, they will accept her. I also hope that you will find that special someone who can make YOU truly happy.

      By the tone of your letter, I can tell that you are still bitter about all this (and rightly so). Please try to let go of that so you can move on with your life and find happiness.

      And please don’t forget to talk to your lawyer about that alimony thing. You should not be left high and dry.

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