Lately, I have been asked the same question over and over again: If he loves you so much, why is your man still married?
What’s the problem? You talk to your spouse, tell him or her that you no longer want to be married, you discuss child support and/or alimony, you discuss visitation, you hire an attorney and the rest is waiting for the Judge signs the papers, right? WRONG!
The reality is that there are some spouses who , even though they no longer want their partners, will not make things easy when it comes to divorce. I have worked for attorneys for years, and I’ve seen a lot. Custody, visitation and child support could all be agreed on and papers finalized, but visitation is still controlled by the whims of the custodial parent. True, when visitation is denied, it could be brought back to Court, but that would involve more legal fees each time it goes before the Judge.
I am the perfect ex-wife. When I got divorced 26 years ago, I made a promise to myself that I would let my kids’ father see them whenever he wanted. All I asked for was a little bit of notice. I also promised myself that I would never talk bad about him when the kids were around and could possibly hear. I figured that if he was as much of an ass as I thought he was, in time, the kids would see it for themselves. I’ve kept those promises. At the time, I wasn’t working and was granted temporary alimony for a year. After 6 months, I got a job, so I told my ex that he didn’t have to pay the alimony any more. I didn’t want him, so why would I want him to support me? The only thing I asked for was child support. Not all women are like me. There are some who will not want their husbands, but they also don’t want to see those husbands happy in another relationship. They will fight tooth and nail to try to ruin the men financially. They will take every opportunity tell the kids how “bad” their father is. This isn’t fair to the kids and it’s not fair to the dad.
While my man is still married, he is only supporting one household. He can see his daughter every day and he is involved in her life. If he was divorced, he may not be told about school concerts or father/daughter dances or any other event that he should go to. One day, when he was with me, his daughter called him to ask if he could take her to a fishing contest the next day. Her mother took the phone from her, said “Your father doesn’t have time for you.” and hung up the phone. He was furious! The one thing he’s always done is make time for his daughter. When he got home, he woke her up to tell her that not only would he take her fishing, but they would also go out for lunch afterwards. This is while he’s living with his wife. I’d hate to think what his wife would have said if he wasn’t living there. I don’t understand why people try to hurt their children like that.
Will I ever demand that he divorce his wife? No. That’s not my place. He needs to do what he feels is right.
Do I wish he wasn’t married? Of course! I don’t like seeing (or hearing about) him being put down.
Do I feel that I’m “second best” or “settling” for a part-time relationship? Not at all. He’s with me a lot. We have a good relationship that isn’t all about sex. He’s my best friend as well as my lover. We’re more of the married couple than he and his wife are.
Would I recommend dating a married man to anyone? HELL, NO!!! Not every other woman sees her man as much as I see mine. Even though a relationship with a married man can work, it’s hard. There’s a lot of time alone and there’s a lot of hurt. Also, how do you know, especially in the beginning, that he’s being honest with you about his marital situation? After all this time, I’ve learned that my man really is being honest with me, but it took a long time to fully understand that.
I’ve heard some women say, “He told me that he’s filing for divorce next week”. OK…fine…then wait a week and SHOW ME THE PAPERS!!!!