Why Is He Still Married If He Really Does Love Me?

Lately, I have been asked the same question over and over again:  If he loves you so much, why is your man still married?

What’s the problem?  You talk to your spouse, tell him or her that you no longer want to be married, you discuss child support and/or alimony, you discuss visitation, you hire an attorney and the rest is waiting for the Judge signs the papers, right?  WRONG!

The reality is that there are some spouses who , even though they no longer want their partners, will not make things easy when it comes to divorce.  I have worked for attorneys for years, and I’ve seen a lot.   Custody, visitation and child support could all be agreed on and papers finalized, but visitation is still controlled by the whims of the custodial parent.  True, when visitation is denied, it could be brought back to Court, but that would involve more legal fees each time it goes before the Judge.

I am the perfect ex-wife.  When I got divorced 26 years ago, I made a promise to myself that I would let my kids’ father see them whenever he wanted.  All I asked for was a little bit of notice.  I also promised myself that I would never talk bad about him when the kids were around and could possibly hear.  I figured that if he was as much of an ass as I thought he was, in time, the kids would see it for themselves.   I’ve kept those promises.  At the time, I wasn’t working and was granted temporary alimony for a year.  After 6 months, I got a job, so I told my ex that he didn’t have to pay the alimony any more.   I didn’t want him, so why would I want him to support me?  The only thing I asked for was child support.   Not all women are like me.   There are some who will not want their husbands, but they also don’t want to see those husbands happy in another relationship.   They will fight tooth and nail to try to ruin the men financially.   They will take every opportunity tell the kids how “bad” their father is.   This isn’t fair to the kids and it’s not fair to the dad. 

While my man is still married, he is only supporting one household.  He can see his daughter every day and he is involved in her life.  If he was divorced, he may not be told about school concerts or father/daughter dances or any other event that he should go to.  One day, when he was with me, his daughter called him to ask if he could take her to a fishing contest the next day.  Her mother took the phone from her, said “Your father doesn’t have time for you.” and hung up the phone.   He was furious!  The one thing he’s always done is make time for his daughter.  When he got home, he woke her up to tell her that not only would he take her fishing, but they would also go out for lunch afterwards.  This is while he’s living with his wife.  I’d hate to think what his wife would have said if he wasn’t living there.  I don’t understand why people try to hurt their children like that.

Will I ever demand that he divorce his wife?  No.  That’s not my place.  He needs to do what he feels is right.

Do I wish he wasn’t married?  Of course!  I don’t like seeing (or hearing about) him being put down.

Do I feel that I’m “second best” or “settling” for a part-time relationship?  Not at all.  He’s with me a lot.  We have a good relationship that isn’t all about sex.  He’s my best friend as well as my lover.  We’re more of the married couple than he and his wife are.

Would I recommend dating a married man to anyone?  HELL, NO!!!  Not every other woman sees her man as much as I see mine.  Even though a relationship with a married man can work, it’s hard.  There’s a lot of time alone and there’s a lot of hurt.  Also, how do you know, especially in the beginning, that he’s being honest with you about his marital situation?  After all this time, I’ve learned that my man really is being honest with me, but it took a long time to fully understand that.

I’ve heard some women say, “He told me that he’s filing for divorce next week”.  OK…fine…then wait a week and SHOW ME THE PAPERS!!!!

 

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47 thoughts on “Why Is He Still Married If He Really Does Love Me?

  1. I’ve been reading your blog the last week, after sort of desperately looking for an affair positive place to “belong”.

    My story is very different that yours, and actually I’m a married woman, having a relationship with a married man. My marriage? Was destroyed years ago – for all sorts of reasons, and he? Was a cheater. When I caught him I said that’s it, our marriage if it continues s now declared “open” – do as you please – but do not involve the children in any way. And I fully intend, to do the same.

    Thus I embarked on a nine month period of self-examination, self-improvement and looking around with my eyes wide open.

    And then? I met him. Really? All I was looking for was a friend w/benefits that was interested in just having this one extra thing, building some trust to reinforce intimacy and ultimately fun you know where… and blam! Found my soul mate. He could have been married or single, but it turns out that he is married and was in the process of trying to heal that relationship after some serious blows. All of this has been out in the open – from day one.

    I welcome all those that will follow on and reply to me about selling myself short or this or that. But what I know? Is after passing through a difficult period of acceptance of what is occurring between the two of us and actively trying to blow it myself, out hmmm, fear? I gotta say, this is the first time that either of us has really been in love. I mean, the oogie, silly, hallmark type. We both married for reasons obvious and not so much and we both have kids approaching graduation age. We have almost every single thing in common in all ways – and so many coincidences in our lives, it’s amazing that we didn’t crash into each other in other circumstances.

    All that said, I will be out of my marriage, perhaps as soon as 17 months from now. He? Does not want to blow up the relationship that he did manage to repair to a certain level. Doesn’t want to crush her, or disappoint his adult children. And that? Was made clear to me from day one. Only thing that he sees ending it, is if she gets completely insecure and up in his business again. He won’t fight for her again, he won’t protect her or buck her (she’s a fairly insecure woman) one more time. If she goes after him again? He’ll leave.

    I’m not wishing for that. I really? Have all that I need from him and with him – I don’t want anyone hurt, but what for me? Is the most positive thing that’s ever happened to me. I won’t lie though – if she were to self-immolate going after him, I wouldn’t be disappointed. But I’m not hoping, wishing or making my future plans based on that.

    He’s promised that we will always find a way to be together. And? I trust that to be true.

    ♥me

    • We can’t let the people who have no clue get us down. We know what we are and how we are…no one else does.

      There’s no reason for anyone to be miserable. We do what we need to do in order to live our lives to the fullest. We can only stand by and let our married lovers know that we are there for them.

      I’m glad you found someone to make you happy. You deserve it. So does he.

      Good luck to you both!

  2. Oh? and yes, the talking.

    For hours on end every single day.

    Nobody in the world? Knows all my thoughts, fears, strengths, weaknesses, foibles, like this man does. And he loves me for all of them.

    Talking? Leads to trust, respect and deep, deep intimacy.

    It’s been an amazing 9 months.

  3. Holy Sh%*$& your a pathetic woman! You’d want to be in a ‘relationship’ where your man is still with and MARRIED to another woman. Hahaha . I feel so bad for pathetic skanks like you. Get some morals, get some self esteem and see u you can actually land a single guy. Good luck.

      • LOL!!!! Gotta love it! I gave Jenn a free ride on that one (and it was difficult since I’m a spelling/grammar freak) because the last time I corrected someone on something similar, I was basically told that instead of being worried about spelling and grammatical correctness, I should be worried about my morals.

        Thanks for doing what I was thinking of! :-D

    • LOL!!! I think I’ve been through this “piece of ass” thing in earlier posts and comments. I’ll give you the same response I gave the others: At my age, to be considered anyone’s “piece of ass” is actually a compliment.

      But, here’s some food for thought…if a man was just wanting a piece of ass, would he help around the house? Would he spackle, paint and make bookshelves? Would he instigate spring cleaning? Would he walk the dogs? Is this all worth getting just a piece of ass? Then take into consideration that there are days (sometimes weeks) when there is no sex. How do you explain why he’s still with me? If he wanted a piece of ass, I’m sure he could find someone much younger and more attractive for that.

      • I’m just wondering why people are even viewing your website if they’re going to be so negative?!?! I mean seriously. They’ve got PLENTY of websites dedicated to the wives of the husbands who cheat. They’d get a lot better responses if they went to those websites. And like I’ve seen you repeat THROUGHOUT your blogs, the wives should PAY MORE ATTENTION to their husbands. Personally, i believe they’re just as insulting to their husbands, as they are on here! So sad. I too am the “other woman” or the “better fit” as I’d like to think of it, and i am SOOOOOOOO glad that this website exists. Always great to know you aren’t alone!

        • Thank you for your comment.

          The negative people come here, I believe, to vent. If it makes them feel better about themselves to call me a whore, slut or home-wrecker, let them go for it. These people are strangers to me and their opinions have no effect on my life. I know the kind of person I am and I know the kind of person my man is. I have noticed that some of the negative comments come from people who haven’t read all of my posts. I don’t see how they could have. After all, will a man really keep “just a piece of ass” around for 10 years?!?!?! ;-)

          See….? Now you know you’re not alone!!! Others DO exist!

      • I’m happy for you this relationship i working out for you two. I’m seeing a married man 10 months now. but only started dating for 4 months. And the relationship is so painful sometime. I miss him so much every day. I want to tell the whole world that he’s mine. But i couldn’t. I’m no dare telling my parents. When my grandma past away I realized myself that I love him so much. I’m sad that I never told my grandma about him because she’s a Catholic. I hope she could understand. But it just hurts so much sometime. actually most of the time. He cannot be with me. He cares about his wife, and from him I think his wife is a very nice lady although we’ve never met. But I could tell from him that he’s not lying because he’s a very nice person. From the day one I didn’t expect anything from him not love for sure, I was so disappointed about guys, all jerks, including myself, so we agreed only sex. When I find myself is living in this relationship longer and longer it hurts more and more. So according to him I broke up with him,(actually he did :p~), the two months i was living between school, liquor store, and home. It was painful especially when he texted me and being nice pretended nothing happened between us. So I stopped carrying my phone to anywhere, but I always rush to it when i get home. funny, so mad when I receive his caring texts and repeating myself what a jerk. (well, he still is sometime :p~) two months later, he had me back. I’ve never felt so happy ever. Also the painful days began again. But this time I will not give up. Tomorrow is his birthday, we gonna hang out :) but today he’s being jerk again… ah hate his jerkness. He finally wanted to tell me that he has a grown up son after denying it for almost 1 year. Although it doesn’t really matter I guess… comparing to having a wife,, yea. I bet his son is very handsome too. looool He occasionally will ask me to dump him and find a younger guy as im 22 and he’s probably 10000000 years old. I know he never meant it, at least not for himself. But it still hurts when he says so.. so i did give him some hard time for being a bad bf :p~ giving up your love one is not an option! never. I hope someday we can work this out. Oh and he’s still texting his last bf… that really made me feel like some kind of cheap replacement. ah what a jerk.. anyways im not giving up :)
        and i did writer quiet few words…. lol finally let it out… now going to pick up the tickets for his birthday ah

        • OK, Joe….I was a little confused here, but let me see if I got this right:

          You are a man, who is seeing a man who is married to a woman. Is that correct? If it is, dating a married man is the least of your issues!!! LOL!!

          The biggest issue is that he’s gay, married to a woman who probably doesn’t know that her husband is gay. That in itself is a mess! But, to make matters worse, he’s still texting his ex-boyfriend. Oh, boy.

          His age isn’t really an issue. I have a very good friend who has been with his partner for over 35 years. My friend is 58, his partner is in his 70s. They have a wonderful relationship and recently had their domestic union ceremony. So, you see, age differences can work out.

          What won’t work out is that he’s living not one lie, but TWO! Lie #1 is that he’s cheating on his wife. Lie #2 is that he’s not being honest with his spouse about his being gay. Each one on its own is a huge burden, so to have both of these issues together has got to be overwhelming! No wonder he acts like a “jerk” sometimes!!! He’s driving himself crazy with all of this building up inside of him.

          I will ask you what I ask the OW who are torn about their MM and how they act: if this man were single, would you put up with him treating you badly and disrespecting you by texting his ex-boyfriend? I know there are good times, but are there more good times then bad? Are you willing to put up with his bad behavior for a long term relationship? I don’t think you would if you were seeing a single man. I realize that you miss him when he’s not around, but you need to live your life in a way that makes you happy.

          Have you thought to talk to him to see if it’s the pressure of lying about who he is that makes him treat you badly? Maybe he should speak with a counselor so he can at least be honest with someone other than you who may be able to give him some good, solid advice on how to handle things with his wife.

          I wish you all the luck in the world! I hope he comes clean to his wife so the three of you can move on!

          Oh…and for the record….my friend and his partner are also Catholic and both their families accept their relationship. It can work! ;-)

      • Well if you like someones left overs go for it. But odds are he will never leave his wife, unless she gets rid of him, and once that is done the game is over he will just move on to someone else, once a cheat always a cheat. I don’t care what a woman does for them or with them.

        • Hello, Marie.

          I am under no delusion that my MM will leave his wife for a wide variety of reasons, but I do not have her “leftovers” as you put it.

          The statement “once a cheat always a cheat” is true for some, but there are cases where it does not apply. I know for a fact that my guy is not cheating on my and will not cheat on me. Our relationship is different than the one he has with his wife. As I’ve said, people cheat for different reasons so one theory does not fit all.

      • Happy Valentine’s Day to you as well. I must say, this Valentine’s day is much more enjoyable for me than last year…and last year I was with a man ho wasn’t married, but was by far less “into” me…my married man gives me all the attention I need!

  4. I have been with a married man for about a year now. We have tried several times (both of us) to end it, but we keep both keep coming back. Is there really a way to make it work? We have both tried to figure out a way to do this. I think I will show him your page and this may be something we can discuss.

    • Well, so far, it’s working for me and my guy. Making it work takes time, patience, mutual love, respect and LIKE (as in “liking each other”). But, don’t forget, we see each other almost more than most married people see their spouses! In the beginning, I was so frustrated with the situation that I ended it several times, but he kept coming back (and I kept letting him). Finally, I realized that it didn’t matter that most nights, he didn’t sleep here.

      Even though he spends so much time with me, he also spends a lot of time with his daughter. If she is doing something that she wants him there for, I know he has to go.

      All in all, it CAN work. The motives need to be the right ones, though.

      • I showed him some of the things you have written. Some of the things I feel are what you have felt and some of things your guy is dealing with so is he.We have talked alot over the past two days, and gotton alot things out in the open between us. I finally asked him to officially be my boyfriend and he said yes. Heres to a new journey for the two of us!

  5. Just came across ur blog for the first time…its great to read someone elses experience of being the other woman, thanks! Tomorrow will be my 3rd valentines as the other woman and while it isn’t perfect i don’t regret it for a moment :)

  6. love this blog. i have been the other woman for the past year & a half. i met my boyfriend through a mutual friend when we went to a ballgame one afternoon. that day we hung out & just had fun – i was not expecting anything more than just being friends. we saw each other a couple of times after that usually as a chance meeting here & there. then one night we were once again at a ballgame – i was with some other friends & he was with our mutual friends he asked me if i wanted to have dinner one night. i said sure. even then i wasn’t thinking too much of this developing into anything more than just friends. but when we went out for dinner that night it was amazing. we talked about everything – i told him things that some of my closest friends don’t even know. from then on we have been together. on that first night we discussed our kids. mine are older but he has a young son. we decided that its best for his son to be raised by both his mom & dad for now. his wife also doesn’t work & depends on him for medical insurance. she is on very strong anti-psychotic meds that if she were to go off she would become suicidal. so for the time being him staying married is the right thing to do. as stated in a previous blog there is no black & white lines when it comes to this type of relationship.

    • Thanks for reading! I can’t stress enough that there really is no “either/or” in a situation such as ours. Most people NOT in our situation don’t understand that. It’s easy for someone else to say “How can he love you when he goes home to his wife every night?” Well….it’s not so easy to get out sometimes. Especially when there are kids involved! All we can do is encourage them to spend as much time with the kids as possible and understand that there are times when last minute “kid related” things come up that put OUR plans on hold.

      Isn’t it amazing how we find what we’re looking for when we least expect it? I’m sure we all wish our men weren’t married, but, this isn’t a perfect world. If a marriage isn’t working, why should one or both partners remain miserable? Sometimes, we are the outlet these guys need to make a better home for the kids. And…who knows…maybe some of the wives have found their outlet too! I hate to think of anyone being miserable. :-)

  7. Please help! I am in love with a man who is not married, but has been in a relationship with his children’s mother for the past 11 years. He claims to love me as well and says that he only stays for the children. I feel horribly guilty for seeing him knowing his situation and even worse for not caring. When he does get the time to see me it’s only 3 or 4 times a month and I feel like a wreck when he leaves. We have known each other for 2 years but have only began to actually pursue something in the past 3 months. When I’m with him he treats me like I am a Queen but I can’t help feeling like I’m am wasting my time and love on a man who will only keep me on the sides, or do I need to be patient and wait?

    • He’s in a relationship with his children’s mom, but are they living together? Another thing I didn’t really understand is when you say “He claims to love me as well”. Does he tell you he loves you AND his children’s mom? Or my guy loves me and yours claims to love you as well? See…here’s the thing…some guys will tell their girlfriends that they love their wives, but are not IN LOVE with them. Personally, I think that’s a load of BS. Nothing but a little word game.

      If you only get to see him 3 or 4 times a month, and you feel like a wreck when he leaves, why do you do it? I don’t think I could keep up with a long term relationship if I was always feeling like crap whenever my guy left.

      Only you could decide what to do in this situation. Have you talked to him about how you feel? Do you know what he wants to get out of the relationship? Does he know what YOU want? It’s hard to have serious talks when you don’t see your guy often because it feels like what could have been a good day was wasted on serious talking, but, in the end, it’s not a waste. You each need to know if you’re on the same page.

      You shouldn’t feel as if you’re wasting your time, either. Go out. Don’t change plans if he calls at the last minute. He’ll either make more of an effort to make plans with you, or he’ll get tired of waiting for you to be available. But then, if he gets tired of waiting and moves on, wouldn’t that tell you that he’s not worth waiting for? Think about it.

      • Thank you. He confuses me because he claims that he’s in a loveless relationship and that he and his children’s mother merely “co-exist” for the sake of the kids and that he wants to leave…but on the other hand he’s in the process of buying them a house. I know he has an obligation to his children and to some degree their mother, but why is he staying if he claims unhappiness with her but absolute happiness with me?

        The reason why I continue to even see him is because I truly am IN Love with him and I have never been with a man that treats me as well as he does (when we actually get to see each other) He makes me feel like I’m the most beautiful woman in the world and I can talk to him about anything. I have always been called a human encyclopedia and have been ridiculed for my above the norm intellect, but he finds it endearing. We enjoy having Intellectual conversations and don’t mind showing our natural selves to each other. We were actually pretty good friends before the romance started.

        Sometimes I feel like he’s in LUST with me and just doesn’t know the difference between the two. I don’t want to give him an ultimatum like some “other women” do, but I am getting tired of the “sideline ho” routine. That’s why I asked am I being premature with my decision to either put up with it and hope for best or to quit while I’m ahead.

        • I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but it takes time to really know what these guys are thinking. If he’s buying “them” a house, then he really isn’t planning on leaving. When my man’s child was younger, his wife threatened that if he left her, he would never see the kid again. Even now, she takes every opportunity to badmouth him to her daughter, so he stays. Now she doesn’t threaten to keep him from his daughter, but she does threaten to ruin him financially. Whatever…these guys don’t understand that there are legal guidelines for that, but, hey….who am I to tell him that?

          Follow your heart, but please don’t just sit by the phone waiting. There’s a lot of life out there, and until you figure out what you’re going to do, don’t miss out on a minute of fun!

          • I’m glad that there are others like yourself who understand what I’m going through and know that the situation isn’t just black and white or right or wrong. Thank you for your advice and for not judging me :)

  8. @ Girlfriend #2, seems to me you already have part of your answer, if you’re thinking of yourself as a “sideline ho”.

    A lot of this is knowing what you can, and cannot live with. If he’s buying her and his children a home, I think it’s clear where his priorities are. Can you accept being somewhere down that list?

    That’s the real key.

    Good luck!

    • The buying the house thing also isn’t black and white. About 6 years ago, my guy bought a house. It wasn’t for his wife (yes, she’s living in it and getting that benefit), but for his daughter so she could grow up in a real house with a real yard. They were living in an apartment with no use of a back yard. She now has a swing set and plenty of room to play. This is something he never had as a kid and wanted to do it for his daughter. Does this mean he loves me less? Of course not. It just means he loves his daughter and wants the best for HER.

      Sometimes, the wife gets benefits that we, as other woman, don’t think they should have. Like vacations. What should our men do about that? Should the kids suffer because they are in a loveless marriage? It’s not the kids’ fault. They should have what they deserve…a trip to the shore or whatever. I go on vacation too. OK…I don’t go with my guy, but I get to relax by myself or be with friends. I kind of like the coming and going when I want without having to make specific plans and following a schedule. Even my ride down is my own. If I want to stop, I do, if I don’t want to stop, I don’t.

      There’s a lot of grey areas in being the other woman. We either have to go with the flow, or end it. Personally, my guy is worth keeping. I don’t sweat the stupid stuff.

      • Honestly – I was more referring to his children than the wife. ::smiles::

        I totally understand wanting to provide a “real home” for one’s children, that’s what I did as soon as I found out I was pregnant for the first time! Closed and moved in w/in 3 months of learning I was pregnant. ;)

        What I meant is accepting that where we are, in our guy’s life will often be somewhere down their list of priorities by necessity. I’m sure you understand.

        • I thought things were going great with me and my married guy, well until yesterday. He told me he wanted to see if there was a possibility to work out things with his wife. WHAT!? So you want to work things out with your wife. then he says no I want to see if its possible. Is there a difference. Next question was what about us? I told him when we started this if he wanted to work things out with her then, I didn’t think I should be hanging around. Is that a wrong thought? He wants to have a discussion with her. Well why dont you ask her where the money from her job goes when she doesn’t help pay the bills in the house. Why don’t you ask her where the $3000 dollars went out of the checking account in the past few months. Why dont you ask her why your quarterly business tax money was used for personal stuff and now you have to pay an obscene amount back for your tax return, I could go on….. The point is he says he’s so unhappy, she has put him in debt, they have no kids at home and says they live like roommates except when she wants money. I don’t understand. She doesn’t even really cook or clean around the house he does and when he asks for help she rolls her eyes at him. Why would someone stay with a person like that? What am I missing, what am I not seeing?

          • Yikes. No accounting for why, without actually talking to her, methinks.

            Sounds pretty lopsided, and illogical to me.

            Easy for me to see why you wouldn’t understand. Good Luck!

          • Well….call me crazy, but if he wants to have a “discussion” with his wife to see if they have a chance, that tells me that he wants to work things out with her. I mean, how does he define “discussion”? Can you see it now? “Hi, wife…I was thinking….do you think that we have a chance to work things out between us? I’d really like to try, but I want to know your thoughts on the matter…” Yeah….OK……

            As for the money situation, keep in mind that what he tells you is HIS version. I would think that any man would want to run as far away from a woman who costs that much money!!!! Seriously? $3,000 in a few months? Makes it so that he needs to pay ridiculous money in taxes? If he’s that unhappy, he would get out! If it’s her that put him in debt, a good divorce attorney will help them come to a compromise on repayment. She could be held responsible for her own debt. Yet, he stays.

            Another thing that bothers me is your statement “They live like roommates except when she wants money”. What does that mean? There’s no sex unless she wants money?

            She doesn’t cook, clean or even help around the house, yet he wants to discuss a possibility of working things out. Is that tilapia I’m smelling? The only thing you’re not seeing is that he could be greatly exaggerating his home situation. This doesn’t mean you’re stupid, it just means you’re in love and WANT to believe him. I was in that boat in the beginning of my relationship. I didn’t want to believe he was married, so I never questioned things. Just prepare yourself for the worst and whatever happens, you’ll be ready.

  9. I’m glad that this website existed. I have been looking for a place or someone to talk to.

    I just called it a quit with my MM.
    I had enough of this situation and I have lose my trust in him. But I must say he may be honest with me. But the honesty just makes me feel worst. He told me he still have feelings for her but he is trying to let go as he love me more. And when his wife found out about us, he asked if she can continue to stay with him for another 2 years even after they divorced. The reason? Because she have no other place to stay. The point is, she did not even mention this to him and he is already preparing a place for her. He still kept her contacts in his phone by the sweet nickname he gave her. And for me, i’m just my name in his contacts. I’ve already told him I dislike that. But he did not change anything. And when I asked him why didn’t he change it, he said he doesn’t want me to feel that he changed just because I mention it.

    Once we went shopping for clothes together, he took a photo of himself and the shirt and sent it over to his wife, asking for her opinion. The shirt was chosen by me. Of course I was angry. Does he really love me? or am I just a toy to him? He told me he just wanted to make sure his wife likes it before he buy so that he can bring it home, if not she may just throw it away, thinking that it was from me. I really have no idea should I trust what he said. Till now, he still remove all call logs in his phone just in case his wife look at his phone. Even though his wife already knows all about us. His wife know my number but she never calls me and she know where I stay. He always tell me that he is afraid she might go over and look for me if he agitates her that’s why he has been trying to calm her down. I don’t know what is true what is not anymore. I don’t know if I should trust him at all.

    He stays an hour ride from my place and always makes the effort to drive over to see me everyday. There are times when his wife asked him out for a dinner and he rejected, just to spend time with me. That was before she found out. But after she found out, she asked him out, and he did not reject. He knew I am upset but he never reject the dinner with her. But that was only once. We still see each other everyday. And even though we see each other everyday, it’s not for sex.

    I have been trying to leave this relationship, but he always bring me back. I just told him yesterday I am out of this thing. He came over to my place and ask me to support him and deal this together. But whenever I return to him, he never do anything at all. I only feel sad. But I still love him and whenever he msg me and tries to call me, i will want to get back to him.. but I’m afraid of getting hurt again and again by him.

    Btw, he doesn’t have any children.

    • You don’t say how long you’re been with your MM, but he sounds very confused. Obviously, he values his wife’s opinion on things like what he should be wearing, even if you are the one to select the shirt.

      As for his asking his wife to stay for two years after a divorce, right now, that’s actually becoming the popular arrangement. Supporting one household is expensive; supporting two is nearly impossible!

      Only you could decide it you can handle sticking it out with him. I’ve thought many times that maybe I should try to force my man’s hand by leaving him until he leaves his wife, but then, I ask myself “why?”. When he’s ready, he’ll leave. True, he may never be ready, but that’s OK too. The more time I spend alone, the more I like it.

      He doesn’t have children, so getting out shouldn’t be that difficult, but, don’t forget, if he causes too much bad blood with his wife, there’s the bottomless pit of alimony! Another reason that staying in the same house/apartment is preferable to living separately. The only problem with that is he and his wife would need to establish ground rules. If they are divorced, there should be no reason for him to NOT stay with you whenever he feels like it and his wife should have the same privilege if she finds someone else.

      For now, you need to take care of you. If you hurt, then maybe you should take a step back and think things through without his influence. Good luck!

  10. I see I’m one of many! :) Sorry in advance, this may be a little long. I met my mm online a year ago. From the 1st day we chatted he was telling me what we ALL hear ” I’m unhappy, we fight all the time, loveless marriage and he was very close to moving out”. We emailed and IM’d everyday and occasionally talked on the phone for 4 months before actually meeting. He was already telling me he loved me. Finally we meet, after the 2nd time of meeting we were intimate; we were falling hard. He attempted to leave home a couple times but found it difficult because he has to kids 11,15, they were heart broken and thus he became depressed and stayed. I’ve tried and tried to end it but we’re in love; either I’m emailing him back or he emails me. He lives 3hrs from me so seeing him was tough maybe 3x a month. The physical part of our relationship only lasted 3 months before his wife found out through text msgs that he was talking to me. (At that point he had told her that we had only been talking and never met) Shit hit the fan for him and he had no phone or computer access so communication had drastically become less. They have both tried counseling in the past several times. He’s moved out in the past when his kids were Very young and to young to understand. He says he loves her but not in love with her. He says he doesn’t want to work it out with her but doesn’t know what to do. We haven’t seen each other in 7 MONTHS but still talk daily. Last month, Once again his wife found out that he was still talking to me. He told her that he would come clean with everything as long as she didn’t attempt to contact me. So, now she knows that we had been intimate. He started goin to counseling again but doesn’t want to let me go. Of course I tried ending it again…oh the vicious cycle is wearing on me. BUT,recently he told me that he’s done a lot of soul searching and he’s done with the lying, feeling unhappy and depressed. He says he wants to be with me and sees us together and that I make him very happy. He also says that he’s in love with me and wants us to be a couple permanently. He says he’s in the process of looking for his own house. He asked me to be patient because things were gonna start changing very soon and next month things would start getting rocky but made me promise that I would not leave him. So obviously he’s not using me for sex and we’re beyond lust. I’m just unsure that he will stick to his plan or if its an attempt to keep me stringing along? How do I know he’s being serious this time? How long do I wait? He says he’s just fed up and doesn’t care about the marriage anymore and wouldn’t stop her from asking for a divorce. Is there something I’m missing or does this sound like he’s finally done with his marriage?

    • Yes, there are quite a few of us OW!!!! Right now, I can see why you are “Unsure”.

      OK…so your MM is in counseling, but knows that he doesn’t want to give you up. Does he have sessions alone with the counselor? Has he discussed you and how he can help his kids cope with his leaving? This may be a good idea for him.

      It’s a bit unfair of him to ask you to promise not to leave him. After all, he’s still married and you don’t know what will be happening. All you can do right now is trust what he says about things changing. I don’t know what he expects to happen “next month” to make things rocky (maybe he’ll be telling his wife of his plans to leave), but only you can decide how long to wait. By “next month”, I’m assuming he means January. In that case, I would give him until March to find a place, or at least start looking. Let him know that you will not wait forever; that if he’s serious, he needs to show you. On that same note, if he’s really serious about being with you, he needs to keep you up to speed with his “progress”.

      You don’t have to nag him about it…just let him know that you will wait, but not forever. One time is enough…don’t keep harping on it.

      He says he’s fed up and will not stop her if she asks for a divorce, but what is stopping HIM from asking? Sounds like he doesn’t want to be the “bad guy” in this. But, if he’s saying he’s going to be looking for his own place, why not just ask for a separation/divorce? Is he planning on living in this house secretly? I don’t get it.

      For the most part, as the OW, we can only know one side of the situation. You don’t know what’s happening in his house. You’re worried about him stringing you along, so you do need to set some form of limit on how long you are willing to wait. Three months seems like a good start (March). If he has done nothing, yet still tells you things will change, you can decide if you want to wait longer or not. That’s not to say it has to end, but he needs to know that if he’s going to make a change, he needs to do it for him, not you. He can know that you will be there if an when a change happens, but, until then, you will no longer be waiting patiently. Will you lose him? Maybe. But, I think losing him would be better than being led on. You never know…the “loss” may only be temporary.

      Whatever you do, just don’t stop being social. Having people around helps on the “off” days. Sitting around brooding does nothing but make one upset.

  11. wow this is the only site i have found that actually is worth posting to.. I met my MM at work and we have been together for a little over a year. We started out as friends and I knew he was married b4 we started anything. He chased me for 3 months before we became friends w/benefits. It was just supposed to stay friends w/benefits, but he was the first one to say he loved me even though I had realised I loved him long before. Everything was great till he got fired at the beginning of this month now I don’t get to see him as often and I just have nobody to turn to all my friends say give up on him. I don’t want to give up. but he has said he won’t leave her that he wants her to file because he does not want to doom any relationship we could have by leaving her for me, I understand this but I whole heartily believe she is hanging on out of spite. He is my soulmate, best friend and lover what should I do? I did not go looking for this but it found me and I have no words of wisdom to give myself.

    • Sabra…

      I don’t understand how his filing for divorce would doom any relationship he could have with you. I would think that without kids, a divorce could be a clean-cut, unless she files and makes it messy.

      Since you’re no longer working together, do you at least talk to each other on the phone when you’re not seeing each other?

      Once piece of advice I will give you now. You say there are no kids because his wife can’t have them, but he wants them. He has told you that he won’t file for divorce, so PLEASE don’t let him talk you into having a baby with him. I don’t know the circumstances of his being fired from his job, but having a baby would be the worst thing you could do right now. He’s not working and jobs are hard to come by. What if he can’t find work for a while? Who will help you raise the baby? What if his wife were to find out? There are too many questions.

      I don’t know this man, so I can’t tell you what you should do. Only you can decide if he’s worth waiting for. But then, how long will you wait for him? Don’t let single guys pass you by. Believe him when he says he won’t end the marriage. And right now, if his wife ends the marriage, are you prepared to support him? Give this some thought.

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