Why Would Anyone Want a Married Man?

I don’t think any woman wakes up one morning and says to herself, “Gee…I think I’m going to go out and find a married man to have an affair with today.” Think about it…who would want a man who cheats?

I realize that my situation is probably different than a lot of other affair situations. I was friends with my man before taking the leap into having an affair. I had known him for about 20 years. True, I had lost track of him for a while and didn’t realize that he was married at the time we got reacquainted, but when we did see each other again, we started a friendship. For about a year, he was very careful not to mention the fact that he had gotten married during the time I hadn’t seen him. If I had known from the beginning, I have no idea what would have happened. I know we would have had a great friendship, since we have a great friendship now. As for becoming romantically involved with him, I honestly don’t know. During the friendship, if he had told me about what was happening in his marriage, the relationship may have progressed to what it is now, or maybe not. All I know is that it happened. Do I regret that he wasn’t honest in the beginning? Of course. I would have liked to have been able to make an informed decision as to where our relationship was going.

In the beginning, I ignored all the signs. I never even thought that he could be married. He worked 3 jobs and I was always doing things with other friends and such. We were both busy people and it just made sense that most of our contact was at my house where he rented a garage. Besides, he spent so much time by my house that I wouldn’t have thought a wife would put up with it. He was here all day on Saturdays and a lot of nights after working one job and before he went to his other job.

During the years, I’ve gone through being so mad at him for lying that I never wanted to see him again, to realizing that I wanted to be with him, to giving him ultimatums, to finally being at peace with the situation. The ups and downs were insane, but I got through them. That poor man has been yelled at by me so much, sometimes it surprises me that he’s still around!

My situation is also different in the amount of the time we spend together. There aren’t that many “other women” who have this much time. I have Saturdays and most weeknights. We don’t hide. We go out all the time, we work together, we go visit friends and family together. I haven’t heard of many men who are having affairs that will bring their mistresses to visit their relatives.

My advice to anyone thinking of dating a married man (or woman) would be: DON’T DO IT! Well, at least not right away. Take the time to know the situation. Does his wife love him? Does she believe he’s happy in the marriage? Does she make time for him? I would also try to find out if he’s ever had another affair. There are some serial cheaters out there. I know for a fact that my man has never before cheated on someone he was with. I know that his wife doesn’t care what he does or where he goes as long as he pays the bills. I also know that he hasn’t cheated on ME. He wouldn’t have the time. We spend so much time together and even when he leaves, he’s on the phone with me. I’m his “commute entertainment”. He calls every morning as he’s driving to work, then texts me during the day on his breaks, calls again when he’s on his way here after work, and calls the minute he leaves me so we can talk until he gets home. Not all affairs are like this. Some women are lucky to get one night a month with their married men.

So, if you’re thinking it would be great to be with a married man, think again. There’s a lot of craziness to go through before you come to the “happy place” I’m at right now. I know we sometimes can’t help who we love, but if the one you love is married, it’s so much harder. If you do decide that the one you love is worth it, then just keep your eyes open. Also, don’t sit around waiting for him. Keep busy. Go out and have fun. His life doesn’t stop when he’s not with you, so why should yours?

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6 thoughts on “Why Would Anyone Want a Married Man?

  1. Found this website and find it helpful read. My situation is a little bit different. I am married and have been with my husband for 12 years but married for 6. The marriage is awful and I beg him to leave often but even though I work full-time I cant leave financially. I also have two children. I met a man at work who i presumed to be single and knew him for over 2 years before anything happened. We have always flirted but it was innocent but at some point things changed. Shortly after we started an emotional affair which turned physical I found out he had a girlfriend. Initially, he was never with her but they were not exactly getting along. We have amazing chemistry, passion and can talk and talk. When I talk he listens like I matter and he carresses me, holds me and gives me little kisses. He tells me he loves pleasing me and holding me the way I need to be held because he wants me to know he cares. Its so complicated because he is now engaged to his girlfriend and they are getting married in less then a year. We have been together for about 9 months. He says he wants to please me by giving me a full relationship but cant because he is getting married because “its the right thing to do.” They have been together on and off for 8 years and he always promised her he would marry her when his daughter graduated from high school and the time has come. I facilate from being totally comfortable with the situation to telling him its over to then telling him I miss him. As time goes on I am learning to cope with the situation as it is. I am working towards seperating from my spouse but it wont be easy. My lover, boyfriend (not sure what to call him) gets upset when I talk about dating someone else when I am seperated/divorced. I know he deeply cares about me. He makes me happy but when were apart it is hard. I am learning to deal. We see eachother at work but only actually get maybe 4.5 hours a week alone. We often work opposite shifts and he works 2 jobs and is the head of his lodge. Plus im married and have 2 kids. I dont know if I am insane but i’ve adjusted to the idea of having him in my life when schedules allow. He has tried, as I have to end things but we both cant last longer then a few days.

    • Tashia, Tashia, Tashia….

      Sorry this has taken so long, but I really didn’t know how to respond.

      I understand your situation with your husband. In these times, it’s so hard for a woman to be financially stable enough to support a household alone, even with child support. Gone are the days of full alimony! What worries me is your relationship with your boyfriend.

      You mention that he has a daughter who recently graduated high school, but I’m not clear if this is a daughter he has with his OTHER girlfriend or if he even has a child or children with this other woman.

      I know it’s difficult to leave someone you feel strongly about. I’ve tried to leave my man several times before I became comfortable with who I am and what we are together. However, if my guy wasn’t married when we started our relationship, but became engaged to someone else DURING our relationship, there is no way I would continue to be with him. If there is no child involved, I don’t see where the getting married because “it’s the right thing to do” comes into play. It seems to me that “the right thing to do” would be for him to be honest with you AND his fiancee. If he is only marrying her because he feels some obligation, don’t you think she should know this? I don’t think any woman would want a man to marry her because he feels that’s what he should do even though he doesn’t love her. Why enter into a loveless marriage? Personally, even if I was with someone for a long time, I would want to know that he doesn’t love me. Sure, it would hurt like hell, but at least I would then be able to move on. I wouldn’t want to be married to someone who looked at me as an obligation. I’m also not a fan of getting married just because there’s a child involved. A child could have a very happy (sometimes happier) life if his or her parents AREN’T married. A child of a loveless marriage is put under a great deal of stress even if the parents don’t realize this to be true.

      Now, for his being honest with you. Is it true that he really doesn’t love his fiancee? Have you thought about talking to him about this? (And PLEASE don’t buy into the “I love her but I’m not IN love with her” line!) Does he talk to you about his fiancee at all? Does she make him happy? If not, why is he with her? You sound as if you are looking to be separated from your husband. When this happens, do you really want to be with a man who is married to someone else? As for him getting upset if you mention dating other men when you do separate from your husband…..he has no right (just as my man has no right to tell me I can’t date).

      You have a lot to think about. Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best and hope that you find true happiness.

  2. Thank you for this blog. I can’t tell you how much it has helped me through the difficult time I was having today. My “situation” is similar yet different. I have known this man since high school (26 years ago for me.) I was actually good friends with his two older siblings, so I knew him, but just casually.

  3. Sorry….I hit submit prematurely! Anyway, we met up again after 25 years, unusual circumstances that I won’t get into. He and his wife have an open relationship. I have been divorced for about 9 years. I was in a bad marriage for 12 years, so I’ve also “been there done that.” I have two older children 20 and 17. He has two young chilren 5 and 7. Here’s the odd twist…. when I say they have a open marriage….it’s very open. I spend most weekends at his house, because it’s easier since his wife works alternate weekends. I stay with his children on the Saturdays that they both work. Sometimes his wife is there, sometimes not. Sometimes she has a boyfriend there. We get along great, she is a fun loving person, we have been out together shopping, getting pedicures etc. To most people it is odd. We both have some people in our lives that know and more that don’t. My kids still don’t know he is married. He occassionally spends time at my house, but not often. We live an hour apart, we see each other almost every weekend. I love him, I believe he loves me. -But of course, somtimes it is VERY hard. Like today, I was about to leave for his house when he found out there was a death in his family so he and the wife and kids had to go to his parents. It’s killing me that I can’t be there with him. And I have to admit I am sorta jealous that she is. Sometimes I wonder if I am setting myself up for a horrible disappointment. Holidays are hard. I think they care about each other. He is very devoted to his children and said he can’t be without them. He does almost everything, from grocery shopping to cooking….everything. So, why WOULD she leave….she has the best of both worlds. But, right now I’m moping around because I haven’t quite mastered entertaining myself again….which is bad. That’s one reason your blog gives me hope that living my own life too is possible. I’m just not there yet. I’ve let myself get too dependent.

  4. I just found out after spending four years in what I thought was the “best relationship” I’ve ever been in that he has been lying about his marital status. Needless to say I am very conflicted right now (only 3 days later), but the reality of it is I love him and while he lied about his living arrangements, I believe, based on the how I found out, that he is there based on his sense of obligation and a sense of doing the right thing to this woman he once loved and has been married to for over 40 years, that he loves me, he has shown me in countless ways, whenever there has been a crisis in my life or a need, he has been there for me. He admitted when I confronted him, that the truth was, he thought we would have a short term affair, but that he fell in love with me and that because they (him and her) live such separate lives, doing the family and friend things together is basically all, that is how he has managed to be there for me as much as he is, I see him every weekend, he spends at least one weekend a month with me and we’ve gone on vacations together, attended my family functions together, gone to sporting events together and he calls me at all times of the day and night, which is why, while at times suspicions licked at my intitutive nature, when I asked him, he would allay my thoughts and I really thought, how can he be doing all that he is and still be with her. The thing that bothers me is the fact that he has lied continually to me and what I did say when I confronted him was that while I cannot say with any certainty what I am going to decide, he can never lie to me again about anything, it nags at me that he has.

    Tonight he is coming down because I was still processing all that was going on when I saw him the day after I found out the truth and I have lots of things to ask and discuss before knowing in my heart of hearts what the right thing for me will be. I am conflicted because I watched my mother have an affair with a married man for 33.5 years and I heard many a night where she cried herself to sleep and in the end it seemed that she wound up bitter and alone, even though she ended it. I swore that would never be me. . . well here I am and neither me or him are youngsters, me at 56 and him at 62, no small children, but, I, too have become dependent on him, even while I lead a very full life, involved in all sorts of community service and other things, I relish our time, we laugh, joke and like all the same things and our relationship has worked up until now, but I had hoped and not without him giving me some reason to hope, that eventually we would be together full time, now that hope is not likely a reality and I don’t know if I can, knowing what I now do, continue to be in a relationship that ultimately is going to bring heartache. . . hurt now by letting go, or go on, knowing the likelihood is delayed pain and being alone. . . so hard, but just for today I don’t have to decide. . . thanks for your blog, while situationally we have differences, the feelings are similar. . .

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