Festivus for the Rest of Us!!!

As the OW, holiday times are tough, especially if your MM is still living with his wife or girlfriend because there are kids involved.   This is when we have to be “creative”.   Quite a few years ago, I started a “Festivus Tradition”.  Now, not being a Seinfeld fan, my guy thought I was out of my mind!  I explained it, then made him watch the episode where George and his family celebrate “Festivus for the rest of us”.   This is now OUR holiday.

Since yesterday was Festivus Eve, I planned a nice dinner of filet mignon, lobster tails, roasted potatoes, sauteed onions and salad.  After work, he stopped at the liquor store to surprise me with a new beer (I love anything with a weird name), then he was here helping me with the dinner prep.  We had a massive beef tenderloin…seriously massive at 25 lbs….so after he cracked open a couple of beers, he cut it up into individual portions, while I wrapped the filets we weren’t eating for the freezer.

The potatoes were roasting, the onions were sauteing, butter was being melted, the salad was made and the lobster tails were out of the shells and about to be broiled.     Life was good!!!  Dinner was better!!!  OMG!!!  SO good!!!  We are carnivores, so our steaks were a bloody rare, the lobster was perfectly cooked (he did that part)…everything was great!  All through the preparations, dinner and clean up we talked and laughed and had a grand old time.

Because my guy has been working a lot of overtime, we don’t really have much time to do what we normally do on Saturday nights; watch movies.  So, after dinner, we snuggled up to a very “mature” viewing of Mr. Popper’s Penguins!   This is one of the reasons why I love this man; we can watch a “kid” movie and he won’t complain.  This is a good thing since I’m a big fan of Pixar!

We don’t exchange gifts…we don’t need to.  We do enough for each other throughout the year, so we decided that gifts are unnecessary.  Our Festivus celebration consists of us just enjoying each other’s company and having fun.  We light the Festivus tree (I don’t have a Festivus pole), which is made up of pink feathers decorated with purple lights and balls and then just hang out.

This may sound boring to some, but this is how we like it.  We got to spend a good amount of quality time together, which is rare lately because of his OT schedule, and quality time is always good.

On Christmas Eve, we have been invited to my guy’s aunt’s house.   His daughter is in a Christmas pageant at church, so he will go there, then stop at his aunt’s before he has to pick up his mother-in-law.  My one “nag” of the night was that he should bring his daughter with him.  The girl has been poisoned against his family for far too long and she should at least meet them, if not get to know them.

This is the thing that bugs me about him:  he has let his wife poison their daughter to anyone on HIS side of the family.  He needs to end this.  His aunt is 88 years old and the last time she has seen his daughter was around 11 years ago.  He said he would try to talk her into going.  TRY???  No…he needs to tell her that in life, we all need to do things we maybe don’t want to do and to spend 15 minutes with his family won’t kill her.  The problem is, if his wife knows he’s planning on bringing their daughter, she will not allow it.

But…enough of the venting.   The Festivus celebration was terrific and we will continue celebrating with his family either with or without his daughter tomorrow night on Christmas Eve.

I know it’s a tough time of year for all other women (and their men), but we will all get through it!  Try to enjoy every minute you have together.  Make your own traditions for this holiday season and for every other holiday throughout the year!  Happy holidays, everyone!!!  Cheers!!!!

Be Sociable, Share!

8 thoughts on “Festivus for the Rest of Us!!!

  1. Ok I’ve been on and off wth my MM for 2 years. We love each other and have been through more than most married couples have honestly.. but he has admitted to being affarid of me and that I could destroy him because he doesn’t fully trust me. Why beacuse I’m a very beautiful caucasian woman that is friends with guys and has a lot of acquaintances, also have an extremely bubbly personality and I talk to everyone woman or man doesn’t matter.. and he is a very traditional spanish man and is machismo to extremes. He says I have no business talking to everyone and because of that he’s scared I will go behind his back. He has been with his wife for 10 years and they have no children. He actually wanted to have kids with me but I said no. Everytime I ask him why we are not fully together he tells me he has what he always wanted at home, and he’s safe he has someone that will never go anywhere and he can lay his head down at night and feel completely safe and in control. Also she has never done anything wrong to him and she takes very good care of him. We got caught a year ago when he left her for me and.. needless to say that didn’t end up well at all.. and all hell broke loose. Cause he ended up begging her to come back, because of my american ways that he could not deal with at all, but he came back to me saying I’m completely in love with you and I don’t want and can’t be without you.. and keeps coming back to me over and over.. I don’t know if he’ll ever really leave his wife, but I know with all my heart.. I want him and I to truly be together and this is really starting to weigh heavly on me especially now that Christmas and New Years is here and we can’t even be together. I don’t know what to do cause your idea sounds amazing!! But unfortunately since we got back together we can’t speand hardly anytime together except twice a month that we have to go out of town for 24 hours to do so. Please if you have any advice at all… I’m truly in need of some. Thank you and Merry Christmas to all

    • Hi, Amber!

      Here is your problem: your man has already told you he won’t leave his wife, even though there are no kids involved. The reason is that she is compliant. He says “Jump”, she answers “How high?” When she found out about his relationship with you, she left, but he begged her to come back. Personally, if that happened in my case, my MM would be history faster than a New York minute (especially if there were no kids to tie them together!)!

      A man (or woman for that matter) doesn’t easily give up a cultural idea easily. He can’t control you, so, of course you scare him. This isn’t going to change. Think about this: he has a wife who takes very good care of him, so why does he need someone on the side? You say he wanted to have kids with you, but I don’t think it was because of love (this is my take on this only)…it would be a way to control you. He doesn’t need kids with his wife since she is already in his control; you are not. I applaud you for telling him that isn’t an option for you. Can you imagine having even one child with this man and raising him or her alone? If his wife had a fit that you two were seeing each other, how would she take him having visitation with your child? He begged his wife to come back the first time, you now don’t see him often at all, so bringing a child into the mix would be a disaster for you.

      I won’t get into how he hates when you will talk to anyone you meet. I have that habit, too, and my next post will be about that and how my man feels about it. Let’s just say it’s the complete opposite of how your MM handles it, and I’m thankful for that.

      I know that you love him, but do you LIKE him? Even when he shows his jealous side? If a man can’t accept you for who you are, what’s the point? He wants you to be his image of the “perfect woman”, but, as he’s said, you’re too “American” for him. Is being friendly and outgoing really such a bad thing?

      I have made it a policy of mine to not change a thing about who I am. Anyone I have ever dated knows that he needs to take me as I am, or not at all. I’ve had guys tell me they LOVE how I’m not your “typical female” always primping and taking SO much time putting on makeup and doing hair, yet, after a few months, they’ll start with little things like “Maybe your hair needs some style”, or “We’re going to a party; maybe you could wear some makeup”. I’ve had my hair “styled”. It looks good the day it’s done. I’ll wash it and look like a poodle (the curse of curly hair). As for makeup…the taking it off part annoys me, so I don’t bother.

      I’ve suggested this to others: ask yourself if your MM’s behavior is something you would tolerate in a single man. What if he does leave his wife? Do you think you can live with being controlled? What if he starts telling you you can’t go out with your friends, or even telling you who you can or can’t visit or go out with? Will it stop there, or will he start telling you how you can or can’t dress?

      Also, think about how long you can go on being with a man who won’t ever leave his wife. You don’t say how old you are, but think of the time you could be spending on someone who may never be able to give you the love and security you deserve. There could be someone out there who can love the outgoing person that you are and can give you a home and children, but you are missing him because you’re with a man who says you scare him and can’t give you the time to be together. That’s not really fair to you.

      It’s all up to you, but please think about this. He may be the greatest guy in the world, but is he for you?

  2. Just found your blog, and found this interesting. It was Christmas which more or less decided me that I really didn’t want to be the OW. But I really like the rational level-headed tone here.

    • Ah, yes….Holidays are the hardest times and I think they are what tend to break up many OW/MM relationships. Well…holidays and vacation time when the MM has to pretend to be on a happy little family vacation so the kiddies have good memories.

  3. This is such a refreshing and interesting blog. Even after my eleven year relationship with my MM I still find Christmas and New Year to be difficult. Indeed, it is always the low-time of year. The weather, the holidays, work schedules, and even the ‘flu’, all conspire against us.
    The rest of the year we spend plenty of time together, weekends, vacations, lunch dates and I stay with him at his home for a couple of weeks each year when his wife is away on her vacations (they don’t take these together). There is always so much to look forward to. We talk on the phone once we are both in bed, it helps us both to settle for the night.
    For fifty weeks of the year I am happy and content in this relationship, despite my friends believing otherwise. Those two weeks always send me into a downward spin. I reason with myself that it is better to be happy for fifty than unhappy for fifty-two, as i was for most of my thirty year marriage.
    Our relationship is based on so much more than sex, indeed my former husband was probably a much more accomplished lover. We share laughter, interests, and intimate and personal details. I feel loved and cherished and I care for and about him deeply. I know him better than anyone else.
    I do not understand his reasons for not being able to leave his marriage. His home is in a small village where he is involved in many aspects of village and church life. He is a sentimental man, his library of books and family heirlooms are essential to his happiness. His relationship with his wife deteriorated and broke down four years before we met, at that time she told him she would never share his bed again and to seek out the services of a prostitute. It saddens me to think of him without the love and support I provide.
    For three January 1st’s my resolution was to end the relationship. Both times the pain has been so intense for us both we have been back together by Easter.
    I guess I have to plan now that future Christmas holidays will be filled with other joys, by next December I will hopefully have two baby grand-children so I am sure this won’t be too difficult!
    Thank you for this blog which allows women like us to share our sometimes negative feelings and experiences without other people jumping in with advice and condemnation.

    • Kerry….

      I have learned to not dwell on the one week that my man is on vacation with his wife and daughter. It was hard in the beginning, but it got easier as the time went by. Maybe it’s easy for me because I really like my alone time. When he’s not around, it gives me a chance to work on things that I have been neglecting. But, even when he’s away, he still calls me as much as he can. He even brings me little gifts when he gets back (which I’m torn about).

      Even though my man and I have our own holiday traditions, this year, I’m trying to plan something different and without him. I want to go to have a girls’ week from Christmas to New Year’s in Key West. I want to see the parade down Duval Street at Christmas and watch the lime drop into the margarita glass on New Year’s Eve!

      I have learned that there are always going to be people who bash us OW without knowing how it really is. I’ve heard it all…..

      If he loves you, he’d divorce his wife and be with you.
      He’s using you for sex.
      He’s using you as a maid/cook.
      His poor wife is sitting home waiting for him to come home, but you have him trapped in your web.

      The list goes on.

      I used to feel guilty, but when I realized that his wife never called to see where he was or when he was coming home, I stopped. No, his phone is not shut off…she just never calls.

      We’re not whores or sluts or women with no morals. We’re women who happen to love men who for whatever reason are stuck in bad marriages. Such is life.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>