Festivus for the Rest of Us!!!

As the OW, holiday times are tough, especially if your MM is still living with his wife or girlfriend because there are kids involved.   This is when we have to be “creative”.   Quite a few years ago, I started a “Festivus Tradition”.  Now, not being a Seinfeld fan, my guy thought I was out of my mind!  I explained it, then made him watch the episode where George and his family celebrate “Festivus for the rest of us”.   This is now OUR holiday.

Since yesterday was Festivus Eve, I planned a nice dinner of filet mignon, lobster tails, roasted potatoes, sauteed onions and salad.  After work, he stopped at the liquor store to surprise me with a new beer (I love anything with a weird name), then he was here helping me with the dinner prep.  We had a massive beef tenderloin…seriously massive at 25 lbs….so after he cracked open a couple of beers, he cut it up into individual portions, while I wrapped the filets we weren’t eating for the freezer.

The potatoes were roasting, the onions were sauteing, butter was being melted, the salad was made and the lobster tails were out of the shells and about to be broiled.     Life was good!!!  Dinner was better!!!  OMG!!!  SO good!!!  We are carnivores, so our steaks were a bloody rare, the lobster was perfectly cooked (he did that part)…everything was great!  All through the preparations, dinner and clean up we talked and laughed and had a grand old time.

Because my guy has been working a lot of overtime, we don’t really have much time to do what we normally do on Saturday nights; watch movies.  So, after dinner, we snuggled up to a very “mature” viewing of Mr. Popper’s Penguins!   This is one of the reasons why I love this man; we can watch a “kid” movie and he won’t complain.  This is a good thing since I’m a big fan of Pixar!

We don’t exchange gifts…we don’t need to.  We do enough for each other throughout the year, so we decided that gifts are unnecessary.  Our Festivus celebration consists of us just enjoying each other’s company and having fun.  We light the Festivus tree (I don’t have a Festivus pole), which is made up of pink feathers decorated with purple lights and balls and then just hang out.

This may sound boring to some, but this is how we like it.  We got to spend a good amount of quality time together, which is rare lately because of his OT schedule, and quality time is always good.

On Christmas Eve, we have been invited to my guy’s aunt’s house.   His daughter is in a Christmas pageant at church, so he will go there, then stop at his aunt’s before he has to pick up his mother-in-law.  My one “nag” of the night was that he should bring his daughter with him.  The girl has been poisoned against his family for far too long and she should at least meet them, if not get to know them.

This is the thing that bugs me about him:  he has let his wife poison their daughter to anyone on HIS side of the family.  He needs to end this.  His aunt is 88 years old and the last time she has seen his daughter was around 11 years ago.  He said he would try to talk her into going.  TRY???  No…he needs to tell her that in life, we all need to do things we maybe don’t want to do and to spend 15 minutes with his family won’t kill her.  The problem is, if his wife knows he’s planning on bringing their daughter, she will not allow it.

But…enough of the venting.   The Festivus celebration was terrific and we will continue celebrating with his family either with or without his daughter tomorrow night on Christmas Eve.

I know it’s a tough time of year for all other women (and their men), but we will all get through it!  Try to enjoy every minute you have together.  Make your own traditions for this holiday season and for every other holiday throughout the year!  Happy holidays, everyone!!!  Cheers!!!!

The Other Woman’s Port in a (Post-)Storm

Hello Everyone!!!

I’ll be down for a bit because of Hurricane Sandy. Stuck without power. I’m sitting in the library now, charging all my stuff, but would you believe the library has no Internet???? Thank goodness I got a “rocket” so I can connect while traveling! I’m the only one here on line. People hate me! LOL!

My guy is working 7 days a week, 12 hour shifts, so our contact is limited to phone during commutes. Good thing I have my Kindle Fire to occupy the time at night. Charging it now for later, so life is good.

I hope everyone is safe and warm. Will post soon!

The Delusional Other Woman?

It’s been a long, busy summer for me.  This is pretty much the first time I’ve had a chance to sit down and post.  Sorry!

I have been reading all the comments sent to me, and I’m glad that there are some married men commenting.   It’s nice to get some feedback from these guys, but from some of the comments, I really don’t think they grasp that not all men in an extra-marital relationship are the same (even though some commented on the post “Are All Cheating Husbands the Same?”).

I, for one, am not delusional when it comes to my relationship.   I know that even though his wife must know about me, yet hasn’t yet confronted him, that could change at any time.  I have never been told by my MM that his wife has no clue.  I guess his home life is run like the military; don’t ask, don’t tell.   Yes, I believe she does know because I can’t see how she DOESN’T know, but I will not encourage him or anyone else to throw our relationship at her.   She obviously likes living in her cocoon, safe from having to live on her own.

I received a few comments from a Former MM.  I’d just like to address some of the things he said.  While I agree with some, I do not agree with others.  He seems to lump all men having relationships with other women in the same category.

Former MM says (His comments are in bold, my responses are next to his, but in italics):

Unless the MM is suffering from some mental issues, he will exhibit some very classic traits that when viewed all together.. will likely have the wifes gut screaming.. Even if she has no concrete proof of an affair.. She will eventually know something Is up

1. Phone never leaves the side. Password protects everything  (his phone is with him at all times.  His job requires it.)
2. closes computer window when wife comes in room  (he absolutely HATES computers!)
3. Reduction in intimacy    (his wife rejected him time and time again.  This is what eventually made him turn to me.)
4. Will be snippy to downright snarly with her and kids  (can’t say.  I’m not in the home, though I know she is “snarly” with him.  I never heard him talk snippy to his child)
5. Goes out and is unaccounted for or unreachable for hours  (he’s reachable by phone always.  Even when he’s with me)
6. Changes appearance  (didn’t happen.  Neither of us thought to even ask the other to change anything)
7. More grooming. Manscaping becomes a thing.  (Ew.  No way)

While this may be true for some, it’s not true for others.  (Good…some acknowledgement here)

Affairs never happen in a vacuum. Emotional states will shift, and patterns of behavior will change. While I did eventually confess to my wife, she had been on to me for months. She just didn’t have any proof… yet.

Just because your MM says their wife is completely unaware.. don’t believe it.  (I have never been told she doesn’t know)

Another comment went on to say:

Actually.. I think the overwhelming majority of MM in affairs are basically the same. I guess that was my point. Save for a few minor details someones MM is not that special snowflake. The ugly truth is that they almost all behave in a similar manner. I have seen how myself and others have acted and there are a lot of very stark similarities.

The common lies.
Staying for the kids  (This happens more times than a lot of people realize.  It’s not right, IMO, but it’s what the MM needs to do if he feels it’s right  for the child)
Spark out of the marriage.. its over.  (It happens.  In this case, he tried to make things work when his wife first told him she didn’t want to be touched in any way)
Sexless.. no intimacy.  (Again…this happens more times than is realized)
Separate rooms/beds  (My guy has his own room)
My spouse is cheating on me.  (Not something I was ever told)
I’ll be filing for divorce once we’re in a better place financially.  (Another thing I was never told)

Some of these points may actually be true. But they are still excuses. If life were really that bad.. they would get the divorce.   (Not really.  I’ve seen what some people do to drag out a divorce just so more money is spent.  The only ones winning are the attorneys)  The fear of remaining in an unhappy marriage has to surpass the fear of the unknown of the divorce.  (It’s not fear of the unknown.  It’s fear of his child being taken away, emotionally if not physically) Many of those points were true for me.. but while I wasn’t particularly happy.. it wasn’t terrible  (That’s your case, not all)

Your man stays with his wife because he wants to. Not because I know him, but because I know human nature. People always behave in a manner consistent with their desires. There are options. Uncomfortable and sometimes downright painful options but they are there. He has you convinced its all about his daughter, THAT is the point I don’t buy.  (And you have every right not to buy it.  However, I know this is the truth.  He’s there for her.)

Your “Man”’s daughter is in her teens. Sure, his wife could be a major pain in the backside, but denying visitation? Not bloody likely. Not at this age. There are just too many ways to communicate and facilitate meetings.   (You are forgetting one important  point:  how does a man stop his ex-wife/wife from brainwashing the child against him?  Are you so naive as to think this doesn’t happen?)  Yes.. I have seen enough claims of abuse being made, but the courts are not blind to the context. The burden of proof would be on her. And do you think the daughter would back those claims up?  (No one said anything about abuse.  But the mother has poisoned the child’s mind against his family.  I have no doubt she will do the same with him.  I’ve heard some comments the wife has made to the child about him and it’s not pretty.)

There were some other statements made that can be read in the comments section.  I just find no need to kick a dead horse by giving responses again….

I did see you mention in another post that you don’t think he’s cheating on you. But truly.. what do you think that the odds are.. that within the last 10 years or so.. that he hasn’t had sex with his wife? Yeah.. no desire for intimacy,.. I heard that part. Month? Sure. 6 months? umm.. ok. Year? Yeah.. not buying it. I have seen some pretty combative, toxic and seemingly indifferent relationships where sex was still happening. Bottom line.. I still think he’s having sex with her. I’ll buy not very often, but in 10 years? Ill stick with the odds on that one.  (Here is what leads me to believe Former MM hasn’t read all of my posts.  It’s not my guy who stopped having sex with his wife; SHE no longer wants to be touched.  It happens.  Some women go through the motions of liking sex, but they don’t.  They will use any excuse not to do it.  I know when I knew my marriage was over, every night, I would “fall asleep” on the couch knowing that my husband wouldn’t bother to wake me to come to bed.  You can believe what you will, but I know in my heart that he’s not cheating on me with his wife or anyone else.  We have discussed this, and he did confirm that in the beginning, when our relationship was just an affair, she would consent to sex once in a while.  It got to be too much of a chore to even ask, so after about 6 months or so, he stopped asking and she never offered.)

Regardless.. I don’t see how you would give people help on being the OW, when even in this outlier of affairs that you claim to be in, its hardly an ideal relationship. We all go into any relationship knowing.. that one day it may end. If we are truly happy.. we would like that it wouldn’t.. but that is the reality of a relationship. However, most of us aren’t in a relationship where the Sword of Damocles is so prominently positioned above their head. Hardly something to strive for.  (Any relationship could end at any time.  Does that mean we should never try?  At any given moment, life could step in and give us all a blow.  Not  perfect?  No.  But what relationship is perfect?  Anyone thinking this is the delusional one.)

My OW used to say.. and I believed her.. that the most painful thing for her was when I left her to go home. It sparked many a row between us. Why she settled for me in the relationship we had is beyond my comprehension. Similarly.. why you settle for this is equally beyond my comprehension.   (In the beginning, I used to feel lonely when he left.  Now, I find that I have just as full of a life when he’s not with me.  I meet with friends at least once a month for girls’ night.  In fact, some of these friends will be coming with me on vacation soon.  Do I miss him when I’m away?  Not really.  After all, he calls me every day.  This is my time to do things that I don’t do with my guy.  Nothing wrong with that.   Besides, I really do like my alone time.  I don’t feel that I’m settling for anything.)

So, even though this Former MM feels that I’m settling and being cheated on, I know he’s wrong.  That may have been true with his OW, but I know my situation is different.  EVERY situation is different.  I am luckier than most OW because I have a lot of time with my MM.   also have a lot of time alone.  I’m happy with it either way.

Can A Wife Stop Her Husband From Cheating?

If he's not happy, he could stray

I have been “accused” of being a home-wrecker and of using my blog to condone cheating. I was recently asked why I never try to “help” wives keep their husbands from cheating. Well, I believe I have given the wives out there some tips in earlier posts, but, I’m going to do it again.

I will never encourage anyone to go out looking for a married man to “tempt” away from his wife. Other women come in all varieties. Some of us are wives, some are divorced wives of cheating husbands, some are single. We all have one thing in common: we never set out to “seduce” a married man. First of all, I couldn’t seduce anyone if I tried. Sexy is definitely a word I would never use to describe me. So…how did I end up as the other woman? The answer is simple: I made him feel important. My man’s wife left him emotionally. After she had her baby, she no longer wanted him. When he and I first started talking after not seeing each other for years, I didn’t know he was married. An affair was not on his mind and it certainly wasn’t on MY mind.

I’m not making excuses. We spent a lot of time talking and I just assumed that he was single because of some of the things we talked about. He never mentioned a wife, or a child in the beginning. Looking back, I should have asked more questions, but hindsight is 20/20. I had my suspicions, but I didn’t want to believe it. After all, this is a good man who would never hurt anyone who loved him and who was good to him. He always went out of his way to help friends, family and me. By the time I found out for sure that he was actually married, I was hooked.

So…what can a couple do to get out of the rut of marriage and family? I think one of the most important things is to make each other feel special. I realize that sometimes, it’s hard. After all, we’re living in a time where it’s necessary for both partners to work outside of the home. Working, cooking, cleaning, taking care of a child or children all take a toll on a marriage. It’s easy for the couple to forget what drew them to each other in the first place. Before they know it, they have grown apart.

From the beginning of a marriage, the couple needs to stay connected. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean that the romance has to stop. At least once a week, have a date night. If you don’t have the time (or a babysitter) to go out, one of you could grab some take-out. The first one home could stop at the florist or grocery store and pick up some flowers (I’m sure someone gave them a vase as a wedding or shower gift!) and set the table (don’t forget the candles). If you have children, put them to bed early and sit down to a nice dinner. Talk to each other. Don’t talk about the kids for this one night. As a couple only talks about the kids, they find that the kids are all they CAN talk about. Talk about your likes and dislikes, talk about a book you read or a movie you saw (or want to see). Talk about a funny incident that happened at work, or something unusual you saw on your commute or when you went out to lunch. Once you start, I’m sure you could find a lot to talk about.

I know what you’re thinking: put the kids to bed EARLY?!?!?!? Yes. It can be done. Even newborns have a schedule. It may be trickier, but each parent knows their child and when they sleep. If a date night is planned every week from the beginning of a marriage and when a new baby is brought home, children will know to stay in their beds (or at least their rooms) when the parents say it’s bedtime. Trust me; I was a divorced mother of 2 boys under the age of 6. When I got home from work, I spent time with my kids, but I was tired!!!! They knew that bedtime was “stay in your room and be quiet so mommy can rest” time!

Every now and then, try something new. Get a sitter for a day and do something the wife wants to do. I’m not saying to torture your poor husband by a day of shopping in a mall, but I’m pretty sure he can live through a chick-flick. He might even enjoy going to a museum or a flea market. Be creative. When it’s the husband’s turn, maybe find a classic car show or a ball game (even I can stand to go to a ball game. It’s more fun at the stadium than watching it on TV). If you can’t get a sitter, take the kids. By going out to new places together, it will give you something to talk about on date night!

Now…for new parents. I know you’re exhausted! My first son was 22 months old when my second one was born. My husband did zero, zip, zilch, NOTHING to help out. Never changed a diaper or gave them a bath or fed them (OK…I breast-fed for the first year, but I always had a supply in the fridge he could have given them). I was a stay at home mom until my divorce when the boys were 2 and 4. Before that, I knew when the kids napped, so I napped. This way, I was “human” enough to cook dinner and spend some time with my husband. Bottom line: babies sleep! Take advantage of it. If both parents work, then maybe the husband could give his wife a couple of hours to herself a day or two a week. Give her time to go out with friends or just take a nap. She’ll be forever grateful! In the same respect, the wife needs to let her husband have a night out with the boys if he wants. Just remember…BOTH OF YOU…that a night out doesn’t mean getting stupid-drunk and flirting with anything that moves. It means going out, have a drink or two and connect with friends.

No matter how tired you are, always take the time to hug. Sometimes, it’s too tiring to even think of sex, but how much effort does  cuddling take?  Sit next to each other on the couch while watching TV. Put your head on your husband’s (or wife’s) lap. Don’t worry about what the kids will think. They’ll grow up knowing what a loving couple should be like. When leaving the house for work, always remember to kiss each other good-bye and when you get home, kiss each other hello.

I know it’s cliche, but don’t go to bed angry. If you’re annoyed with each other, talk it out. We can’t agree with each other all the time, but we can agree to disagree. We are only human and as such, we’re imperfect creatures. When two people live together, they’re bound to piss each other off every now and then!

Surprise each other with little love notes or cards or small, inexpensive gifts. Treat your spouse to a bubble bath and put on something sexy. Above all, always remember to say “I love you” to each other at least once a day. Use your imagination! If you keep your spouse happy at home he (or she because we all know that wives cheat too) will not want to look elsewhere for affection.

Remember why you fell in love to begin with

Are All Cheating Husbands The Same?

I hear from a lot of wives who try to tell me and my readers that what their husbands did to their “OW” is what is happening to us. I also have comments from former “OW” who feel that their experience will also be our experiences. It seems that no one is understanding that not all relationships with married men are the same.

I fully acknowledge that there are some guys out there who don’t care what lies they tell as long as it gets them laid. There are also women out there who are more then willing to believe these lies, whether they are the wife or the mistress. I would think that this type of man would get what he wants, then move on to the next “conquest”. I would also think that this type of man wouldn’t last long with a mistress if there were some weeks that were “sexless”.

I think what we, as OW, need to remember is that we are not the wives. I’m in my relationship around 10 years now and even though we have a strong bond, I know that things could change and I could be gone from his life. Even though I’m sure that his wife knows he’s seeing someone, I feel that if someone went to her to tell her they saw the two of us together, she would give him an ultimatum. He would then be forced to choose between me and seeing his daughter. He would, of course, choose his daughter. I’ve been prepared for this. I have to be. If I become too comfortable in this relationship and feel that there’s no way he could ever leave me, I will be open for a whole lot of added hurt if he does. Maybe this sounds pessimistic, but it’s not; it’s realistic.

Relationships of any kind sometimes don’t last. Best friends from childhood grow apart. Friends from high school go to college, find jobs and move away. College roommates move on. Males and females will have a few significant others before they find “the one”, and sometimes even “the one” turns out to be only temporary. It’s a fact of life. Being the other woman is a totally different situation. Not only do we have to worry about our men growing away from us, we also have to think about what happens if the wife finds out. Preparing for the worst is just a matter of emotional survival.

There are many women who, when in a relationship, will stop seeing their friends. This is especially true for women in relationships with married men. Sometimes, the friends don’t agree with the relationship, but rather than agree to disagree, the OW will simply end the friendships. Sometimes, it’s not a matter of friends agreeing or disagreeing; it’s a matter of wanting to be available when their married lover calls. None of this is right. When you choose to end friendships, you’ll be spending way too many nights alone. Everyone needs time to be with friends. We all need to cut loose every now and then; have a few drinks, see a movie, go to dinner. They’re a good support system when we’re happy, and even better when we’re miserable.

If you are always available to your man, whether he’s married or not, he will come to expect you to always be there. Don’t be afraid to make plans. A few times of being unavailable will let the man know that he either needs to make plans with you in advance or realize that he’ll be spending the night alone. One thing ANY woman should look out for in a man is if they ask her to choose him over her friends. This isn’t a love issue…it’s a control issue. Run.

Yes, there are men out there who have loving wives waiting for them at home. They tell their wives that they’re working late, or going away on business trips. Their wives don’t question them because they buy them gifts and are very attentive when they’re home. These men feel that they need a little “variety”, and it’s not hurting anyone as long as he’s not caught. He’s living a lie and it doesn’t bother him one bit.

In my case, my man married for all the wrong reasons. He worked in a bar and she was a “bartender groupie”. She went to the bar every weekend, they got to talking and then started partying together. Since he worked all the time, she came over one night and didn’t leave. After a while, they realized that they wanted to start a family, but she needed to be married to do that (which is understandable). They got married, she got pregnant. The partying stopped. Once the party was over, they both realized that the partying was all they really had in common. When the baby was born, she became over-protective to the point that he wasn’t “allowed” to do anything for the baby except go out to buy diapers and formula. To this day, he isn’t “allowed” to bring his daughter anywhere alone. His wife claims he’s a “dangerous” driver, even though he’s never had a traffic violation. I’m used to driving, so I’m kind of a control freak in a car, but I feel perfectly safe when he’s driving.

My married lover isn’t some scumbag just out to get laid. He’s been with me when I’ve been overweight, when I’ve been underweight, working, unemployed, happy or miserable, sick or well….we’ve been through it all. He’s with me when I need him. We are more of a “married couple” than many married couples that we know.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that no one should judge anyone else’s relationship. What happens to one may never happen to another. But then, if you are the other woman, just prepare yourself for anything.

How Not to Get Caught

I would never  advise someone to go out and purposely find a married man to start a relationship with.  That being said, this is real life and sometimes, things happen.

When you’re with a married man, there is always a chance that you’re going to get caught, and getting caught brings on unnecessary hurt to the spouse.  This hurt extends to any children that the couple may have.  No matter what the situation is at home, no woman wants her husband’s affair made public.  Maybe friends and family aren’t aware that there’s trouble in the marriage.  If her husband gets caught in an affair, it may force an action that the wife isn’t ready, or willing, to make.

I’m in the process of writing a book on how not to get caught.  Before I finalize it,  I was wondering if any of you out there have specific scenarios you would like to see covered in it.  If you have any ideas, just send over a comment!

Thanks!!!!

In the Beginning…..

The relationship my MM and I have is NOT typical.  Most relationships like ours is limited to maybe one day a week, sometimes less.  I have the advantage of seeing my man almost every day.  It wasn’t always like that, though.

In the beginning, I would see him once a week when he came to work in the garage he rented.  This was before we actually had a relationship.  It was at a time when we were getting reacquainted as friends.  Even when our relationship turned into a romantic one, we still only saw each other once, or maybe twice a week.  Back then, we didn’t go out.  Our world consisted of my little patch of property.  We got take-out and watched movies.

I always knew his family, but didn’t spend time with them.  Our contact was usually just a wave in passing.  I never saw him visiting them, with or without his wife and daughter, so one day, I asked him why.   His wife refused to to see them, even though, at the time, they lived only 2 miles away.  She never liked his family…and there was a bit of an issue when his mom passed away, so she used that as an “I told you so” kind of thing.   He stopped talking to that side of the family.  I convinced him that they really weren’t bad people and it was time he got to know his aunts and cousins again.  That’s when our world expanded to include his aunt’s house.

I knew that he was unhappy with the school system where he lived, and that he was looking to buy a house, with a yard for his daughter, in a town where there were no gang problems, and the schools were highly rated.  I told myself that if he bought his wife a house, I would end our relationship.  I couldn’t grasp the idea that he was buying the house for his daughter, so she could have a yard to play in.  Obviously, his wife was moving in too, and that bothered me.  I couldn’t understand why he would want to further tie himself to a woman he claimed to no longer love.  When he finally did find a house, I told him that I was done.  I made sure I wasn’t home on weekends so there was no chance of running into him.  I wouldn’t answer my phone when he called.  This lasted about a month.

One day, I came home from work and he was here waiting for me.  We had a long talk about how I was feeling and how he was feeling and we both realized that without meaning to, we fell in love with each other.  This was about 2 years into our relationship.  Our world was still only this tiny area.  We didn’t even talk on the phone at this time.

A few years after he and his family moved into the house, we were talking about how it sucked that if we were having a good conversation, we had to end it when he had to leave to go home.  He told me that if he could, he’d call me all the time.  I decided to test that, so I got him a phone on my cell family plan.  I really never thought he’d call as much as he does.  That’s when our morning and evening commute calls started.  He would also call me when I went on vacation.  Every time he had a break at work, he’d call to find out what state I was in (I drive to Florida twice a year…alone).

On one of my vacations, I was in the pool with a couple other condo owners and we were talking about restaurants.  One of the guys was there alone because he had to come down on business and his wife and son couldn’t make it because of school.  He asked if I had ever gone to one particular restaurant, which was his favorite.  I hadn’t been there, so he asked if I would go with him the next night.  He was having a craving for their duck l’orange and he was leaving in two days.  :-D When my guy called later that day, I told him about the next night’s dinner plans.

Dinner was great and the guy I went with had no expectations of any “after dinner activities” (which was good because I know his wife and son).  The following morning, my guy called and asked about dinner.  I told him about the place and what we had and then we moved on to discuss other things.

I got back from Florida a couple days before my birthday.  On my birthday, my guy came over with a present and told me to get dressed because we were going out.  He took me to my favorite steakhouse!  We had been together for almost 5 years, and we were laughing that this was our first “official” date.  The present was a really pretty necklace with two hearts, one inside the other, and a diamond.  As we were in the middle of dinner, he leaned over and touched the hearts and said something about how the larger heart was his heart protecting my heart…sappy, but sweet…and when he finished his little speech, I looked at him very seriously and said, “That’s sweet and all, but, I still don’t f**k on a first date.”  I should have waited until he swallowed that sip of Coke…..

After that first date, we decided that we needed a date night every week.  Once a week turned into dinner almost every night.  On date night, we go to a nice place where we have to wear grown up clothes, while on the other nights, we’ll just go out for hot dogs, hamburgers or wings.  We have our regular places and the servers all know us as a couple.  We go to the local Dunkin Donuts so much that they know what we want without us having to say anything.

In those first years, there were the discussions about why he can’t be with me if he’s so unhappy with his marriage.  I would tell him it was over, he would convince me that we belong together.   The worst part of it was his vacation time.  His daughter deserved a fun vacation even though her parents didn’t get along, so every year, they all go on a family trip.  I’m still not happy with that, but, it is what it is.  Even when he’s away, he brings “our” phone and calls me whenever he can.

I don’t even remember when it happened, but there was a time when I realized that I actually liked our arrangement.  I got my bed to myself.  I could come and go as I please.  If I wanted to go shopping, I didn’t have to OK it with anyone.  I don’t have to either lie awake tossing and turning or leave my bed to go to another room to read when I can’t sleep.  I don’t have to clean up after anyone else (even though HE does most of my housework).  I can cook when I want to, not because I HAVE to.

The one thing that I regret to this day is that I don’t know his daughter.  Whenever she has some extracurricular activity that he goes to, I wish I was able to go.  We’ve had talks about what will happen when she finally does find out about me.  Personally, I think she’ll resent me.  He thinks differently.  I worry about how she’ll react when she finds out that her childhood has basically been a lie.  I worry that she’ll grow up thinking that it’s “normal” for a married couple to not share a room, or show any affection to each other.  I went through that when I was a kid and it wasn’t easy to get over it.  It took me a long time to be able to openly show affection for someone.  Some therapist is going to make a LOT of money!  It’s sad, but I can’t tell him what to do when it comes to raising his child.  I also feel bad that she has cousins she doesn’t even know, but that’s also not up to me.

All in all, we’re happy.  He does realize that I may not be around forever.  Who knows what the future holds?  I could decide that I don’t want to be left out of the little things anymore.  I also realize that if his wife decided that she’s had enough of him not being home that he could end it with me rather than chance losing his daughter.   It’s been a long journey getting to acceptance, but I’m there now.  I’m not “settling”…I just decided to stop stressing over what I can’t (and don’t really want to) change.

 

 

Being The Other Woman Is Rarely Planned

Contrary to popular belief, there aren’t many women who make a conscious decision to be in a relationship with a married man.  I say “not many” rather than “any” because there are always exceptions to every rule.  There are women who do go out looking to hook up with married men.  These women, though, are usually gold diggers looking to snare a rich guy who will take them on trips, buy them cars, jewelry and sometimes homes.  I am not like these women.

Trust me when I say that if I were to specifically look for a married man, I would be cruising the yacht clubs in Miami and Fort Lauderdale.   His wife would be in the marriage for the money just as I would be in the affair for the money.  While his wife was with him doing volunteer work and going to boring country club and business dinners,  I’d be taken on trips all over the world on his private yacht (hence, the looking in yacht clubs) and I’d buy my jeans and tank tops (I wouldn’t need sweatshirts since I’d winter in Florida and summer in Nantucket) at Neiman Marcus instead of Old Navy.  I’d drive a sporty little BMW instead of a Chevy and I would NEVER buy my Nikes on sale again!  As for those $2 flipflops…fuggetaboudit!  I’d buy the $20 flipflops with the ridiculous flowers and a nice big platform so they’d give me some height.   My maid would clean up after me, the gardener would take care of the perfectly manicured lawn and flowers, the pool boy would make sure the water in my screened in pool and adjoining spa were at the perfect temperatures and pH balances and my house would be kept at a constant 70 degrees.  What a nice world it would be!  ::::::::::::::POP:::::::::::::::

OK….the bubble  has burst.

My guy has a blue collar job and drives an almost 20 year old car that can in no way be considered “classic”.   He can’t afford to take me on trips and he doesn’t shower me with clothes, cars and jewelry.  He works two jobs to keep up with bills and when we go out to dinner, we very rarely go anyplace that has tablecloths.  We don’t have much, but we have more than a lot of people.  What we have can’t be bought.  We have a terrific intimate relationship, but we also have a lasting friendship.   Neither of us would lightly give up what we have with each other.

We’re not together because we planned it, we’re together because life happened.  I’m not a “slut” or a “whore”.  I don’t have “low self-esteem” as some have said in their comments.  I don’t feel “unworthy” of a single man who can give me 100% of himself so I “settled” for the married man I’m with.   I’m not “deluding” myself into thinking I’m happy and that he loves me.  I know these things.  I’m not “wasting” my time with him.  Would things be better if he wasn’t married?  In some ways, yes.  He wouldn’t have to leave me at 2 AM to drive an hour home.  I’d be able to know his daughter.  We’d be able to go to my condo together every now and then, even with his daughter, so I could show her the Florida that I’ve known since I was a kid.   Does any of this make me want to get rid of him for a “nice single man”?  No.  Does it mean that he still loves his wife if he’s not divorcing her?  No.  People can’t seem to wrap their minds around the fact that there is no black and white when it comes to infidelity.

Every relationship has down sides.  In my relationship, the ups make up for the downs.  No…not many women plan for this.  It’s not easy being the other woman.  No matter how busy you are, there are nights alone, vacations alone and holidays alone.   I can hear it now; all the cheated on wives “tsk tsking”.   I can guarantee that all of the “other women” who are reading this aren’t sleeping with happily married men.   If a man has a mistress, he’s not really happy in his marriage, is he?

Is the Other Woman the “Bad Guy”?

I hear from a lot of OW.  The stories are all different, but the essentially the same; we fell in love with married men.

One of the things that most of us has done is to try to get our married lovers to look at their marriages and see if they can make them work again.  Obviously, I can only relay my experience with this, but I know I’m not the only one.  If you’re with a married man, before you’re too involved, it helps to have him try anything he needs to in order to work on his marriage.  If it’s done in the early stages of your affair, you’ll hurt, but it won’t be as bad as if it were to happen after years into it.

When I first found out that my guy was married, we had a long discussion about his marriage and what went wrong.  He was very uncomfortable talking to me about it at first, I think because he felt that I would be overly upset, but we did talk it out.

He met his wife when he was at his night job as a bartender at a local rock bar.   He was working one Friday night and she walked in with a couple of friends.  She stayed until closing and waited for him to finish his clean up, then invited him out to breakfast.  He didn’t go because he worked all day, then was at the bar all night, so he just wanted to get home.  She showed up the next weekend, but on a Saturday night.  After a few m0nths of this, she went home with him and never left.  They lived together for a year, got married and a year after that had a baby.  Once their daughter was born, he said it all changed.

He worked long hours during the week, then at the bar every Wednesday and all weekend, so they never really “dated”.  Their dating consisted of her sitting at the bar while he served beer and shots.   They really had nothing in common except partying.  Not a very substantial basis for a relationship, but, I guess they didn’t realize it at the time.  As for sex, he said it was never a huge priority for either of them.  He was exhausted from work and she accepted that because, I guess everyone has that assumption that if you’re living together, if you don’t have sex one night, you could make up for it the next.

Another thing that should have been a red flag was that his family couldn’t stand her.  His parents, though divorced for years, got together with him one night and tried to talk him out of marrying her.  He didn’t listen.  Shortly after their daughter was born, his mom got very ill and had to be put into a nursing home.  My guy would go see her every day right after work.  His wife refused to go and refused to allow him to bring their daughter.  She agreed to bring the child to the nursing home when it was clear that grandma didn’t have long to live, however, she wouldn’t to to her room and she wouldn’t let him bring the daughter to grandma’s room.  Grandma had to be put in a wheelchair and brought down to the lobby, where she was allowed 5 minutes to see a granddaughter that she had only seen a few times previously.

As for sex…that stopped once the baby was born.  My man’s wife told him that she no longer had any sexual urge, yet she wouldn’t do anything to “fix” it.  Not only did she not want sex, she stopped wanting any physical contact, including hugs and kisses.  If he came up behind her and kissed her neck, she would push him away and tell him not to do that in front of the baby.  He got tired of being shot down, so he eventually stopped touching her.

As his daughter got to be around school age, he realized that the school system in the town they were in wasn’t very good, so he bought a house about an hour away.  He wanted his daughter to have a yard to play in and a school where she could actually learn without worrying about all the fights that were going on in his old school district.  By this time, he and I were already a couple.  Did it upset me that he was buying a house for his wife?  Absolutely!!!!   In fact, I almost ended it when he told me they were moving.

Almost ended it.  What I did instead was ask him if there was any chance that he and his wife could work things out.  He told me that a few years earlier, before me, he tried to spice things up by buying his wife some lingerie.  She wouldn’t wear it, but she told him that if he ever got her a house, she would wear it and give him a night to remember.  I suggested that he go home and take out that lingerie.  I told him that if he didn’t see me the next day, I would know that it worked and things were going to be all right in the marriage.

The next day, he came to me.  He went home the night before, and laid out the lingerie on the bed while his wife was in the shower.  He then went downstairs to give her time to dry off and get all dolled up.  A half hour later, he went to the bedroom.  She had thrown the lingerie in the trash and put on an old ratty t-shirt.  When he asked why she threw the lingerie away, she told him that she never wanted to see it again and that he should find another room to sleep in because she didn’t want him near her.

I was prepared for the worst.  I never expected him to come to me that next day.  I thought that after a few years of living in a sexless marriage, that part of it would take time, but  I know how loving he is and couldn’t imagine his wife not wanting him to at least hold her.  When he saw me, he just held me for a while and thanked me for trying, but he was never going to have a real marriage again.  In fact, he didn’t think he ever had a real marriage.  Like me, they married for all the wrong reasons.  It  happens.

After that, I stopped feeling those little pangs of guilt about being with a married man.  She threw him away, so he was fair game.

 

How Does Your Married Lover Split Valentine’s Day?

Today is Valentine’s Day.  My man’s daughter had already told him that he needed to get home right after work because she had a surprise for him, so I made plans to work all day, then make myself some poached salmon for dinner.  After that, I was going to get to bed early for a change.  Didn’t happen.

My man calls me every morning at 5:30 when he’s on his way to work.  Sometimes I’m awake because I’ve been working all night, but sometimes I talk to him when I’m half asleep.  Today was one of the latter days.   I got to sleep around 1 AM, so at 5:30, I still wasn’t ready to be awake.  He was annoying the hell out of me…asking me if I walked the dogs yet.  Telling me to get up and walk the dogs.  I finally dragged my tired ass out of bed, got into some sweats and got the leashes on.  I got outside and there was my guy!  He took the day off so he could spend the day with me, yet still be home after work to spend time with his daughter.

He brought me chocolate covered strawberries and a card.  Once the dogs were walked and I got into some real clothes, we went to breakfast.  After that, he fixed my washer, then we took a nap.  The poor guy works so hard and he hardly ever gets a chance to just relax and do nothing, so that’s what we did for a couple of hours.  We were all napped out, so we went out for lunch.  We hung out for a bit, then he left for home and his daughter.  All in all, it was a good day.

This was totally unexpected.  I don’t really do Hallmark holidays, so this was something different for me.  It was a nice different, though.

I may not have worked all day and I didn’t have my poached salmon, but I can STILL get my ass to bed early!!!!  Happy Valentine’s Day, all!