Can A Wife Stop Her Husband From Cheating?

If he's not happy, he could stray

I have been “accused” of being a home-wrecker and of using my blog to condone cheating. I was recently asked why I never try to “help” wives keep their husbands from cheating. Well, I believe I have given the wives out there some tips in earlier posts, but, I’m going to do it again.

I will never encourage anyone to go out looking for a married man to “tempt” away from his wife. Other women come in all varieties. Some of us are wives, some are divorced wives of cheating husbands, some are single. We all have one thing in common: we never set out to “seduce” a married man. First of all, I couldn’t seduce anyone if I tried. Sexy is definitely a word I would never use to describe me. So…how did I end up as the other woman? The answer is simple: I made him feel important. My man’s wife left him emotionally. After she had her baby, she no longer wanted him. When he and I first started talking after not seeing each other for years, I didn’t know he was married. An affair was not on his mind and it certainly wasn’t on MY mind.

I’m not making excuses. We spent a lot of time talking and I just assumed that he was single because of some of the things we talked about. He never mentioned a wife, or a child in the beginning. Looking back, I should have asked more questions, but hindsight is 20/20. I had my suspicions, but I didn’t want to believe it. After all, this is a good man who would never hurt anyone who loved him and who was good to him. He always went out of his way to help friends, family and me. By the time I found out for sure that he was actually married, I was hooked.

So…what can a couple do to get out of the rut of marriage and family? I think one of the most important things is to make each other feel special. I realize that sometimes, it’s hard. After all, we’re living in a time where it’s necessary for both partners to work outside of the home. Working, cooking, cleaning, taking care of a child or children all take a toll on a marriage. It’s easy for the couple to forget what drew them to each other in the first place. Before they know it, they have grown apart.

From the beginning of a marriage, the couple needs to stay connected. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean that the romance has to stop. At least once a week, have a date night. If you don’t have the time (or a babysitter) to go out, one of you could grab some take-out. The first one home could stop at the florist or grocery store and pick up some flowers (I’m sure someone gave them a vase as a wedding or shower gift!) and set the table (don’t forget the candles). If you have children, put them to bed early and sit down to a nice dinner. Talk to each other. Don’t talk about the kids for this one night. As a couple only talks about the kids, they find that the kids are all they CAN talk about. Talk about your likes and dislikes, talk about a book you read or a movie you saw (or want to see). Talk about a funny incident that happened at work, or something unusual you saw on your commute or when you went out to lunch. Once you start, I’m sure you could find a lot to talk about.

I know what you’re thinking: put the kids to bed EARLY?!?!?!? Yes. It can be done. Even newborns have a schedule. It may be trickier, but each parent knows their child and when they sleep. If a date night is planned every week from the beginning of a marriage and when a new baby is brought home, children will know to stay in their beds (or at least their rooms) when the parents say it’s bedtime. Trust me; I was a divorced mother of 2 boys under the age of 6. When I got home from work, I spent time with my kids, but I was tired!!!! They knew that bedtime was “stay in your room and be quiet so mommy can rest” time!

Every now and then, try something new. Get a sitter for a day and do something the wife wants to do. I’m not saying to torture your poor husband by a day of shopping in a mall, but I’m pretty sure he can live through a chick-flick. He might even enjoy going to a museum or a flea market. Be creative. When it’s the husband’s turn, maybe find a classic car show or a ball game (even I can stand to go to a ball game. It’s more fun at the stadium than watching it on TV). If you can’t get a sitter, take the kids. By going out to new places together, it will give you something to talk about on date night!

Now…for new parents. I know you’re exhausted! My first son was 22 months old when my second one was born. My husband did zero, zip, zilch, NOTHING to help out. Never changed a diaper or gave them a bath or fed them (OK…I breast-fed for the first year, but I always had a supply in the fridge he could have given them). I was a stay at home mom until my divorce when the boys were 2 and 4. Before that, I knew when the kids napped, so I napped. This way, I was “human” enough to cook dinner and spend some time with my husband. Bottom line: babies sleep! Take advantage of it. If both parents work, then maybe the husband could give his wife a couple of hours to herself a day or two a week. Give her time to go out with friends or just take a nap. She’ll be forever grateful! In the same respect, the wife needs to let her husband have a night out with the boys if he wants. Just remember…BOTH OF YOU…that a night out doesn’t mean getting stupid-drunk and flirting with anything that moves. It means going out, have a drink or two and connect with friends.

No matter how tired you are, always take the time to hug. Sometimes, it’s too tiring to even think of sex, but how much effort does¬† cuddling take?¬† Sit next to each other on the couch while watching TV. Put your head on your husband’s (or wife’s) lap. Don’t worry about what the kids will think. They’ll grow up knowing what a loving couple should be like. When leaving the house for work, always remember to kiss each other good-bye and when you get home, kiss each other hello.

I know it’s cliche, but don’t go to bed angry. If you’re annoyed with each other, talk it out. We can’t agree with each other all the time, but we can agree to disagree. We are only human and as such, we’re imperfect creatures. When two people live together, they’re bound to piss each other off every now and then!

Surprise each other with little love notes or cards or small, inexpensive gifts. Treat your spouse to a bubble bath and put on something sexy. Above all, always remember to say “I love you” to each other at least once a day. Use your imagination! If you keep your spouse happy at home he (or she because we all know that wives cheat too) will not want to look elsewhere for affection.

Remember why you fell in love to begin with

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13 thoughts on “Can A Wife Stop Her Husband From Cheating?

  1. A rare Saturday night without my love, and I’m feeling a tad lonely, so I googled “the other woman blog.” So glad this came up! You’re a great writer, so it’s a joy to read, and also, it’s great to find that I’m definitely not alone. Yup, I’m an Other Woman too.
    Like most, all my life I wanted to the find “The One.” It wasn’t really a quest, since if you’re looking for something you won’t find it, and all that, but it was on my mind and in my heart. I’ve always worked, I have a degree, I have a lot of friends to hang with, and I always had dates and whatnot, just never found anyone that I liked enough to be with long-term, except for one guy I fell for, who, oops, didn’t feel the same way. We lived together anyway, it was a struggle, but he’s also my best friend now, so it was worth it.
    Anywho, this past January, I was bored one night, and placed an ad on that list place. I got the standard metricf**kton of replies, and had kinda picked someone out, when I got this response with a picture, and I immediately took my ad down, deleted the other emails, and emailed him back. No, he’s not that hot (to me, he’s the sexiest man on earth, even over Christian Bale or Bono (my normal comparisons lol), but he’s older, and looks, as he puts it, shot), but my soul responded, so I responded to him, he came over, and we’ve hardly spent a day apart since.
    He told me before he even came over that he was married, and I just…didn’t care. I’m a strong believer in fate, and also confident in my intuition. I loved him at first sight, talking to him only confirmed my interest, and meeting him in person was just incredible. Our minds work together, our senses of humor match, and our bodies fit perfectly.
    He said his marriage was over at least since his now teenager daughter was born, possibly even before then. His wife hadn’t really been about sex before that, and after she was completely against it. She also is unsupportive, uncommunicative, and just in general a bitter person. I’ve heard her on the phone (not to me! She doesn’t know I exist, thank god), I completely believe that. I also believe that he tried to work it out. We’ve only been together 7 months, and yes, we’ve had some spats, but we TALK them out. He always tries to do what’s right. Still, he was faithful to his wife up until about 3 years ago, when he had an affair with a woman…who then left him when he found out he had cancer 2 years ago. Now there’s me. He also didn’t plan to fall for me…but I’m pretty irresistible. lol.
    We spend most days together. We go out in public. My family and friends have met him as my bf,and they know he’s married. His friends have met me, as his assistant. We don’t get whole nights, and that kind of bothers me, but very often he’s here until late, then picks me up early, so I try not to look at what I don’t get, since what I do get is so good, and just remember, he is still trying to be there for his family.
    He’s not going to leave his wife. I entertained some hope of that at the beginning, but then he found out the cancer is back, and it’s bad. Like, this time next year, I may have been without him for a few months already bad. He pushes himself, and I bet most people would not be able to tell he’s sick, but some days are really bad, and I hate that I can’t always be there during those times. He doesn’t have hair to hold back, but I’d rub his back while he was puking at least. Especially since his wife seems to have no sympathy whatsoever.
    So, it may not be right to be with a married man, but I’m not giving mine up. I will protect him fiercely. I hope things turn around, and doctors are wrong, but if they aren’t, I’m at least going to be a comfort to him til the end.
    Also, Ladies, I’d like to share a song with you (well, an artist, really, cause all of his songs are amazing), Chris Trapper, Time To Forgive. Beautiful.

  2. When it comes to affairs, a lot of time and energy is needed to get past the initial inner thoughts. The psychological blocks at the outset of knowing the affair has to be addressed with lots of maturity and endurance. And to end up making the relationship a lot stronger after the affair is possible but it takes a lots of commitment and energy towards the partner.|Lot of people develop a lot of bitterness on the partner because of the extramarital relationship. And this is tough to overcome when ignored. Managing our own thoughts is really essential and learning the root cause which pushed the spouse or the partner to have the affair must be known. Also this gives a much better understanding of the specific situation.|If you are facing an affair don’t just believe that things will certainly workout on its own. One needs to face these and take care of them. Also I think it is really important to find out if the partner is basically sorry as well as feeling bad about their extramarital relationship or not. Always keep the communication going very good. Also I found a nice info here get over cheating husband. Thanks for the post & Have a nice day.thanks!

    • It’s my policy to approve all relevant comments, so this one stays. I don’t feel I have ever “glorified” being the OW and try to give the wives some tips on how to keep their men happy. If it can help save a marriage, that’s a good thing.

      The thing is that some of us OW are in relationships with men whose marriages are beyond saving, and if another woman can’t tempt a happily married man, a wife can’t change her unhappy husband’s mind if she hasn’t made an effort in years. It’s too bad they let it get that far.

  3. I am so thankful to have found this blog because I am in the beginning stages of a relationship with a married man. We are both in our early 30′s I live with my partner and has been married for a number of years and has three young children. Even now I am not 100% sure how I got pulled into this whole thing. He started work at my company and I trained him, he was flirting with like crazy. The first day he told me he was stuck in a marriage to a woman that he did not love and would love to find a woman that would understand his situation. I am having NO IDEA he has interest in me so I just say “well yeah that sounds totally reasonable”. He were are a month later and I am on an emotional roller coaster. He does not want anyone at work to know that we are seeing each other because he does not want the stigma of a cheating husband. It is so hard for me to reconcile that the beautiful naked man that was in my bed the night before is now the person treating me rather indifferently at work. He was so all about me before we started seeing each other and now he seldom come into my office. I can be pretty insecure and easily hurt so this is difficult to me. I just try to tell myself to chill out, that he is new and wants to make a good impression.

    I also struggle with if he will ever leave his wife. After reading you posts I see the logic in his not leaving her. He says that once she is employed and self supporting he plans to leave. This will take a couple years at least. He does not mind that he will have to pay child support but he does not want to be stuck paying alimony and I see that. I think I would feel better if he would just tell me that if he were not with her he would be with me. I have never directly asked because I am afraid that I will not like the answer.

    I struggle with the idea of leaving my partner, I don’t love him. He is younger than me and very much dependent on me. Also I am afraid that if I lived alone I would grow very resentful about being alone so much of the time. But if it were not for the partner at least seeing each other might be a bit easier. I have consigned myself to the idea that he will eventually discover the affair and leave.

    I love this man with all my heart, he gentle, kind, an and incredibly tender and considerate it lover. Basically I have never been happier or had it so good except for the icky little fact that he is married. This man pursued me and won me over and deals with my doubt, insecurity, and occasional pouting. I am not concerned that he seems me as just a lay, because their are MUCH easier lays out there and would not have hard time attracting another lover. But that being said I am so afraid for the future and the day when all this way be over, he is the best thing I have ever found and I hate the thought of ever losing him.

    • Liane…

      You may not realize this, but your married lover is trying not only to protect himself at work, but he’s looking out for your interests too. Try not to let this bother you.

      You’re still in the early stages of this and you need to understand that this is a long, hard rollercoaster ride. There are ups and downs. Sometimes more downs. My motto is: Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.

      As for him leaving his wife, it’s really not that easy. Of course he doesn’t tell you he would be with you if he wasn’t with her because he can’t honestly do that. He doesn’t know what the future holds and he’s not trying to lead you on.

      I understand that you feel you no longer love your partner, but please don’t rush into leaving him. Did you not love him before you met this married man, or have you not loved him for a long time? Don’t leave because of your new lover…leave because it’s what YOU want for you. Also, don’t be afraid to leave because you don’t want to be alone. Yes, there are a lot of evenings alone, but I deal with it. I read or go out with friends. I don’t sit around moping.

      No…loving a married man isn’t easy, especially if you have to hide the relationship. As OW we have to sit back and think things through. For the most part, we will never be first. We are their girlfriends, not their wives, so we really don’t have much say in his life. We can only make them happy when they’re with us and hope that they are making US happy. If my man started treating me badly, he would be gone just as I would get rid of a single man who treated me like crap. Right now, this is working for us and we will continue.

      Thanks for writing!

  4. Ladies,

    I’m so grateful to this blog, as I truly thought I was alone in this “crazy” relationship. I googled searched, and I found this. I could not have been happier.

    My situation is slightly different than any I’ve read, thus far. My MM and I have a child (4 1/2 years old). This detail complicates matters for sure. I’ve been through hell and back with him over these past 6 years, and to write it all down would take pages. Tyler Perry has nothing on me, I could give him enought material to write several movies, lol! Yet, I know that this love is real because regardless of the the lows I’ve seen him in, and the situations I’ve placed him in, we talk nearly everyday, laugh at each other’s jokes that only the other can truly understand. I still get that excitement in my heart when he visits. I’ve gone through several stages described on the blog. As for right now, I’m at the enjoying the moment stage. Like you, if something better comes along, he knows I’m on it. (I’ve actually gone out on dates, and had a slight relationship 2 years ago.) I’ve done so many vacations without him, but he usually calls to check up on us/me – when I do my “me-time” vacations. Holidays is not that big of deal, as I don’t celebrate them. Although he does do Valentine’s day and Mother’s Day for me every year.

    For the 1st year of my daughter’s life, he didn’t know he was her father. (Yes, I was a little wild, and why I know that my child has saved me from myself.). Yet, he was by my side throughout my entire pregnancy, but as a friend w/benefits, not as the father of my unborn child. Yet, to his credit he reassured me when I thought I was going to be an unfit mother, happily provided much “services” when my hormones were raging, and was actually the first person I told I was pregnant. He was exactly what I needed. Right before getting pregnanct I was getting over a man I was in a relationship for 2 years, and surely thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

    By the end of my pregnancy, I did have some feelings for him, but going from a friends w/benifits relationship to a traditioanl relationship was one of those conversations that I knew the answer so I never addressed situations because of fear of rejection. But it all changed on Dec. 7 at 2:38 AM (Yes, I remember the day and hour bc it was a life changing moment.), seven months pregnant, when she called me to ask how I know her “husband”. I was back home w/my family (I came up early to help set things up for my 3 month stay w/my parents/sisters). Husband?? repeat that again I said to myself. Okay, play it cool I told myself. But I knew exactly what time it was, time to remove myself from this. It served it’s purpose, and the sex was mind blowing but I know when to let go, so I thought. But there is a statement that she made that I will NEVER forget, “If you want my husband, you can have him.” At the time, I didn’t because our relationship was based on a clear physical attration (remember neither of us knew we shared a child), but I still missed him. Since the unnecessary stress would not have been positive for my unborn child, I simply dismissed this from my mind, and resolved not think about it until I was back in town.

    It is interesting to know that I got pregnant in May, he got married in July of the same year. Clearly, it hasn’t been right from the beginning. (Yes, I’m a little biased, and that’s my personal belief/opinion). But I can’t help but recollect the statement she made. I’m sure she must have said it after finding the countless text messages we sent back n forth all throughout the day and nights, but to even utter the statement indicates how she truly felt.

    But I didn’t fall in love with him until I was out of work for 2 years. (I decided to take some time off to devote time with my daughter, and I enjoyed every minute of it. The sacrifice I made was well worth it.) During this time, he became more and more part of my life, and before I realized it I hadn’t been with any other man besides him for 3 years. Yet, I have no desire to be with anyone else either, which to me is more of an attest to just how strong my love is for him.

    In one attempt to “get over it”, I decided to relocate 600 miles away. I told him of my plans, he even provided me with boxes and huge garbage bags to assist in the move. I went so far as putting a down payment on an apartment. Then the sh*t hit the fan. It was approximately 12 AM on a Sunday. My sister awakens me telling me my daughter’s father is at door. Huh??? Does he know what times it is, I’m thinking to myself. I know I said he can come to see her at anytime, I didn’t mean at 12 midnight. As I stumble down the stairs, I noticed the bottle of Remy. Oh no, here we go, he’s wanting to vent. (Yes, he’s done this before. Awakens me saying he wants to see his daughter just to talk to me for 2 hours……..)But I was not ready for what happened next. He broke down, sobbing and crying, in front of me saying, “Don’t take my daughter away from me. I can’t lose you. All my life, all I wanted is a daughter and you’re going to take her away from me.” Needless to say, I haven’t moved away, and has scraped the idea completely. Even though I’ve threatened a couple of times.

    One of the previous blogs specifically “How does she not know?” really resonates with me. His wife just found out he has a daughter last November, but honestly I can’t see how she didn’t know, he’s on Child Support for crying out loud!! Yes, this thing is a little crazy! For sure I thought he was done after I did that (Trust me, he left me no choice. He did agree. Clearly, he doesn’t hold it against me.)

    Being in a relationship with a MM is definitely not easy, and there are major disadvantages. I have days were I do wonder if I’m literally crazy for doing it. But, I know that I can not deny the love we share, and that he makes me happy. The highs far outweigh the lows.

    • Hi, Patrice…

      Yeah…sounds to me that the wife HAD to know considering he’s paying you child support! No shocker there. And now she knows that you will be in his life for at least until your daughter is 18. I don’t know if he has other kids, but if he does, I hope your daughter knows her half-siblings.

      People not in our situation (in love with a MM) don’t understand why we would put up with all this drama and craziness. Unless you have been through it, you’ll never know, so don’t even try! LOL!

  5. I have been at this for 5 years and let me start by saying it was never my intentions to become this, nor did I ever believe in this type of situation. It has been the sweetest and most difficult adventure I ever took. The saddest part is that he has made me feel better than I ever have with any other man, but I resent the affair I just don’t know how to let go. I hate loving someone so much that I can’t have.

    • Audrianna…

      Most of us didn’t choose to be in love with a MM. You really can’t help who you love. I’ve tried letting go, but it never worked out. About 5 years ago, I realized that I’m actually happy with the way things are. I have a lot of me time and am free to do as I please. If my life wasn’t full without him, I don’t think I’d be able to continue. I’m lucky to have friends that don’t judge me or him.

      Difficult? Sure is! But, as with your relationship, I have never met another man who treats me as an equal and who respects me as much as he does. We were friends first and I think that friendship is what helps us last.

  6. Your blog helps me greatly.
    I have been seeing someone who has a long term partner. They aren’t married, but he is sticking around for their child.

    I have struggled for so long with what I am doing. I feel incredibly guilty. He tells me how they haven’t had sex in 2 years and now they don’t sleep in the same room.
    His partner lives in another city and he comes to my city every 2 weeks for work, while he is here, he stays with me. He is renting a place in this city, but he likes staying here.

    When I first met him, it was just casual sex. I didn’t know he had a family in another city and I wasn’t looking for anything more than just a good time. There was something between us when we were first together that made me keep going back. He then told me about his family… I didn’t stop what we were doing because by that stage I was hooked.

    Since we started up this relationship, we talk every day. There hasn’t been a single day we have talked through email or phone. He recently went on a holiday and called me every single day, telling me I should be with him. He went with his friends that time, but soon he is going on a family holiday and I am dreading it.
    Absolutely dreading it.

    I knew going into this arrangement that he would always choose them over me. I always tell myself that I shouldn’t continue doing this, but I have fallen in love with him and being with him is amazing.

    This is the first time I am the OW and its very confusing. It is definitely a rollercoaster of emotions. He always knows what to say to make me smile though…

    • Yes, Amanda, it’s a long, hard rollercoaster ride!

      When a child is involved, it’s not so easy to leave. I don’t care what anyone says, I’ve seen how expensive divorce can be. I worked for attorneys for years! Ex-wives bleeding their ex-husbands for every dime they can get. Even wives who have cheated on their husbands are bitter and will bleed them dry with attorney fees and court costs. Then, there are those who use the kids as weapons. They don’t allow the father to see the kids, so it involves yet another court appearance, then they do the same thing again. It’s a vicious cycle. Even when a couple isn’t married, there are still visitation, custody and child support issues.

      Family vacations are not easy to deal with. This year, my MM went away with his family for the first time in 2 years. This was because his M-I-L paid for the trip, and SHE went with them. Even when he goes away, though, he calls me when he can and when he gets back, he usually brings me something that he thinks I would like. But then, he also has to deal with MY vacations! True, I don’t go with a husband or SO, but I do go either alone or with single friends. We go out and have fun. I have even gone on dates with guys I’ve met who are also owners in my building. My guy doesn’t like it, but he knows I’m not sleeping with anyone else. He also knows he can’t say anything to stop me from having fun and meeting people.

      Only you could decide if you want to continue with the ride, or get off. Good luck to you!

  7. No a wife can not stop a husband from cheating. Cheating is what people do when they lack character. It is a way to get what they want without having to make the sacrifices they would have to make if they told the truth.

    • Black Iris…

      This is so far from the truth. With a little love and attention, a wife will keep a good man home. What you say is only true for those men who constantly cheat with one night stands while the wife is dutifully at home waiting and willing to give love, affection and attention.

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