Tag Archive | affairs

Sugar or Equal to Help With That Bitterness?

I have received my first negative comment on this blog! Unfortunately, it was from someone who really never read through my posts. Rather than just send a reply, I thought I’d share. Here is the comment:

Right now, I’m raising my arms above my head, trying to pull my brain back into my body. Are you fucking serious? You wasted 9 years as the OW? Just mind blowing.

I’m not the OW (just take a guess at my role), though I do know her. She’s an imbecile. If that’s what men really want, go at it. Us smarter, more evolved women will be standing here on the hill laughing our asses off on the way to divorce court. And also laughing our asses off knowing that you’re only a piece of ass not even worthy of public recognition.

Let’s pick this apart, shall we? First of all, I do believe I have a post up that’s titled “Wasting Time?”. I’ll go over this again. How can it be considered wasting time when I’m living my life? I’m not sitting around just waiting for my man to come here, and when he IS here, we certainly aren’t hiding. We go out at least twice a week, but usually more. We go out with friends, we visit family (both his and mine), he helps me with the yard work, he’s currently helping me with some home renovations, we go shopping, we cook together, we watch movies, we laugh and we fight.   In other words, we have a REAL relationship.

Going by the second paragraph, I’m guessing that this comment is from a woman who has a cheating husband.  Well, I’m sorry about that.  Maybe she could benefit from my posts about how a wife could save her marriage by paying some attention to her husband.   My relationship started off as a friendship.  We spent hours talking.  We still spend hours talking.  Contrary to your belief, there are men out there who are cheating on their wives not for the sex, but for the emotional connection and the conversation.  The sex is a perk.

I think it’s sad that this person feels that her trip to divorce court is a laughing matter.  Obviously, the marriage wasn’t worth that much to begin with if divorce  was the only option she could think of.   It makes me wonder if she did anything to try to save her marriage.   Honestly, I’ve never been in that situation, but I would think that if the marriage was important, the one being cheated on (whether it’s the man or woman) would talk to their spouse and ask “Why?”.   She calls the other woman an “imbecile” and refers to the wives of cheaters as being more evolved.  I would think that a more evolved woman would  try to understand why her husband found the need to cheat.   Maybe there’s a chance to turn things around.

Don’t waste time on bitterness.   You chose the easy way out (divorce) rather than do the work it would take to save the marriage.  Your loss.  I just hope that if there are children involved, you decide to take the high road and not bad-mouth their father and (if he’s still with his mistress), his new girlfriend.   Don’t transfer your bitterness to your kids.  No matter what happened with you, the kids love their dad.  Let them have a relationship with him.

In closing, I’d like to say one more thing.  It’s now MY turn to laugh my ass off!  I’m nothing but a piece of ass?????  I think I’ve gotten the point across that I’m NOT just a piece of ass, but, at my age, I’m happy that someone would THINK  I’m a piece of ass!!!  So….thank you!

 

Do friends accept your affair?

When I first started seeing my married boyfriend, I lost a couple of friends. There was a group of us who met online and the friendships extended to real life. One of the group didn’t approve of my relationship. She had a husband who cheated on her, so she couldn’t understand why I would continue to date this man after I found out he was married. She convinced another of the group that I was not someone to be associated with, so, two friends….gone. I understand why they felt they needed to separate from me and didn’t try to convince them that what I was doing was right. How could I? I wasn’t sure if it was “right”.

As my relationship goes on, I find more ways to keep myself busy. One of the things I did was to sign up for volleyball two nights a week at the local high school. Each night after playing, a few of us would go out for what we call the “after volleyball pig-out”. During the off seasons, all of us try to get together at least once and a few of us will meet for dinner a couple of times a month. Sometimes my guy comes with me, but most times, it’s just a night out with the girls. They all know my situation and they accept it. I’m not saying it was easy in the beginning, but as they see how much time he spends with me, they see that what I have with my guy isn’t all about sex.

The way I see it, if you truly know someone, you know their character. Since my friends know me, they know that I’m not one who would deliberately break up a family. They have also come to know him and they accept us as a couple. None of them feels uncomfortable about our relationship. It’s good to have friends who don’t judge.

Not only do my friends accept him as my boyfriend, but his friends and family accepts me as his girlfriend. We don’t hide our relationship. We go out often and to places that aren’t hidden, so we run into people we both know. So far, no one has asked him about his wife, but they do ask about his daughter. Lately, his sister has started working weekends with us and we get along very well. We are also invited, as a couple, to family events.

I do get questions sometimes about how he is able to spend so much time with me. Honestly, I don’t know how to answer those questions since I’ve never asked him what he tells his wife in order to be with me as often as he is. All I know is that when he’s with me, his wife rarely calls him. He could be gone all weekend and she doesn’t bother calling to see how he is or if everything is OK. She doesn’t care. I guess that’s why he’s with me.

How Do You Keep the Magic Alive?

When two people get married, I would hope that it’s because they love and respect each other. But what happens when things change? After all…life happens.

Let’s face it…nothing ever stays the same. If it does, life is boring. Relationships become stagnant. People change. Change is inevitable as they grow. When two people meet and fall in love, it helps if they have some of the same interests, but this doesn’t mean that they need to enjoy doing everything their partner enjoys. A husband may have a passion for fishing, but the wife may hate it. The wife may love going to yoga classes, but the husband doesn’t feel the need to do it himself. Does this mean that the poor guy can never fish again? Does it mean she can never execute another warrior pose? Of course not! Fishing could be done alone, or with the guys. Yoga could be done at home, or with friends at the gym. There’s nothing wrong with a little me time.

Sometimes, it’s hard to make a marriage work with the pressures of careers, unemployment, children, bills, etc. We all need our little outlets. Problems arise when each partner doesn’t respect the other’s need to just have a “me day”. I’ve known people who have stopped doing what they love because their spouse doesn’t enjoy it. I’ve known women who have told their husbands that they couldn’t have a night out with the boys and I’ve known men who will not even consider that their wives would want to go out with the girls. Why should they NOT have this time with friends just because they’re married?

I believe that you are just setting the stage for lies by not “allowing” your spouse to pursue his or her interests. If you won’t allow your husband to have a boys’ night, don’t expect him to NOT lie when he wants to meet some friends at the sports bar. In a marriage, love and respect are important, but isn’t trust also important? If you can’t trust your spouse, what kind of relationship do you really have?

Also, what’s wrong with giving something new a try? How can a woman say she hates something if she’s never tried it? If your husband is asking you to go fishing, or play golf, or hike, why not give it a go? It’s one day out of your life. As for the husbands…go to a flower show or to a day spa if your wife asks. Don’t say “no” all the time. Make an effort.

With all the pressures of day to day life, we all need a place to go that relaxes us. Why not try to make that place your home? If you know your husband is having a rough day at work, why not arrange for someone to watch the kids for an hour or two when he comes home so you could give him a massage, or so he could enjoy his favorite meal in peace. Don’t meet him at the door with MORE problems. Let him relax.

If your wife has had a rough day with the kids, when you get home from work, tell her that you’ll take over childcare for an hour or so, then set up a nice, hot bubble bath for her (complete with scented candles). If you’re extra-tired, ask her for a little time so you could unwind, but let her know that you realize her day was rough, too and that you’re planning something to make her feel better.

Marriage isn’t all roses and kittens, but when each partner makes the effort to please the other, things will work out. Remember to talk to each other (not just about the kids). Remember to show affection. Remember to say “I love you”. This will help keep the magic alive. If a husband or wife feels neglected, unappreciated, unloved or unwanted, it could lead to him or her looking elsewhere for what’s missing.

Does His Wife Even Care That He’s Gone?

With all the crazy weather and flooding happening around here, I have had a roomie for the past 4 days: my man! He spent the day with me last Saturday, went in for an emergency 24 hour shift at 6:00 that night, came here after his shift, but when he tried to get home, all routes were flooded, so he came back to my place. I was on the phone with him as he was on his way home and at some point, he said he would call me back, so I know that he called home. I thought he was calling to see if his daughter wanted him to pick up some take out for her. He was off the phone with me for about 5 minutes, then called me back. A half hour later, he was coming up my stairs and this is where he’s been staying until about an hour ago.

It’s been nice having him here, but it’s also nice knowing that I have my house to myself again. I’ve lived alone for a lot of years and have gotten used to doing what I want, when I want to do it. If I wake up at 3 AM and can’t sleep, I’ll grab my remote and watch TV for a while, or I’ll read for a bit. When I’m ready to fall back asleep, I turn off the TV (or just fall asleep with it on), or put down my Nook. With my man here, if I can’t sleep and want to watch TV or read, I have to actually get out of bed and go to the livingroom. The guy needs to wake up early every morning, so I don’t want to keep him awake too. I’m glad to be back to my own crazy schedule.

Last night was my volleyball night. I left my guy here at 6:00 PM and he met up with me and my friends for the ritual post-volleyball feeding at 8:30. My friends accept that I’m seeing a married man. When they heard that he’s been staying with me this week, they all had the same question: Where does his wife think he is? My answer: I have no clue. What he tells his wife is his business, but I really don’t think she cares where he is. In 4 days, she hasn’t called him at all. He’s called his daughter and his daughter has texted him, but not a word from his wife. Obviously, she doesn’t care that he’s not home and doesn’t care where he is.

True…there are times when she wants him home. She calls to find out when he’ll be home if she has plans to go out and needs him there to watch their daughter or if there’s a bug in the house that needs to be executed. She’s also been known to call to tell him that he needs to take out the garbage. Other than these few little “reminders”, she couldn’t give a rat’s butt where he is or what he’s doing. I don’t understand it, but, that’s the way it is. I’m torn on how I feel about her lack of concern. On one hand, I feel that it’s a good thing because if she did care about him, I wouldn’t have this great guy. On the other hand, I feel bad that this great guy has to live with someone who doesn’t care about him and only wants him for household chores. (Before there’s even more controversy to this whole situation, let me make something clear….neither one of us considers his watching his daughter as a “chore”. We both feel that his time alone with this daughter is important and he looks forward to those times.)

Now that he’s home, he’ll have a chance to clean up after the storms and spend time with his daughter before school starts up again. I’ll use the time alone to do girlie things with my friends, read, walk, and watch cheesy movies (I think tonight’s feature will be “Killer Klowns from Outer Space”). This may sound boring to most people, but sometimes, boring is good.

Am I Really a “Temptress”?????

I was reading a website the other day and saw a post about “the other woman”. One of the comments was about how mistresses are able to “trap” married men in their webs. Did you know that women like me will use expensive French perfume, wear sexy, silk lingerie, have their nails and hair done every week, go to the spa and have cosmetic surgery just so they can lure married men away from their wives? You didn’t? Neither did I.

I was the other woman 9 years ago. I still am the other woman 9 years later. Let me paint a picture of THIS other woman.

Right now, I’m sitting at my computer wearing a ratty pair of boxers (with Marvin the Martian appliqued on one leg) and a t-shirt that I bought at an Army/Navy store about 35 years ago. My hair is pulled back in a high ponytail. It’s a bit humid, so the actual tail is a curly, frizzy mass trailing halfway down my back. My guy called me at 5:30 this morning and by 6:30, I was out taking my daily power walk. I have not had a chance to shower yet. Pretty, right? No….I don’t think so either.

I haven’t been inside a hair salon in about 5 years. My hair care routine is: shampoo, condition, comb, air dry. I’m getting more and more grey by the minute, but I refuse to dye my hair. Every now and then, however, I need a change, so I’ll find an obnoxious color (right now, I have fuchsia in the front and underneath in the back) that washes out eventually.

As for my nails….I’ve had one manicure in my life and hated it! I’ll never go back. I play volleyball, so my nails break. If they do, no biggie….they’ll grow again. If I have unbroken nails for longer than a week, I may put polish on them, but within a day or two, it’s starting to chip. Again….no biggie. Pedicure?!?!?! Forget it! No way!

I don’t think I’ve ever owned expensive perfume, French or otherwise and as for silk lingerie….if it can’t be washed in my washer, I’m not buying it. I do have some lingerie, but not silk and I don’t lounge around in it just waiting for a married man to happen by so I could trap him.

Cosmetic surgery? Ummm…..I rarely wear makeup, so why would I alter anything surgically?

In other words, my web-weaving skills aren’t up to par, so how did I “trap” my married lover? I have no clue! Oh, wait….could it have been that I took the time to get to know him as a friend before any other kind of relationship started? Maybe he likes the idea of a low maintenance woman. Maybe he likes having someone to talk to. He certainly doesn’t want a “temptress” if he’s with me!

My man knows that he can call me, tell me he’ll be here in 1/2 an hour to take me out and I’ll be ready. Don’t get me wrong…I DO dress up every now and then. I may even put on a bit of makeup once a year or so. But for the most part, I’m wash and wear. Some would say that how I’m sitting here now isn’t how I greet my man when he comes by. Well, they would be wrong. The ratty boxers and old t-shirts are my staples. This is how I dress when we’re just hanging out doing things around the house or watching movies. This is how he met me and in 9 years, he hasn’t tried to change me. I have never heard him ask “Are you really going to wear that?” when we go out. He trusts that when we do go out, I will know what I should wear.

I understand the reasoning behind the comments of the woman on that other site. Maybe she found out that her husband was cheating and she needed a reason that didn’t involve putting the blame on herself. Who knows? Maybe her husband did fall for someone who used “tricks” to get him. I know there are women who claim to only date married men, but unless these men are super-rich, and are financing the expensive “props” and cosmetic surgery, I can’t imagine anyone going through all that trouble on their own to trap an average Joe. Instead of that woman looking for traps and webs of the other woman, she should look within. She needs to talk to her husband. For a lot of men, it’s not all about sex and looks. Does she have a guy who just can’t be monogamous, or is she not giving her husband what he needs? The sooner she finds out what’s wrong in her marriage, the sooner she can either fix it, or move on.

Why Would Anyone Want a Married Man?

I don’t think any woman wakes up one morning and says to herself, “Gee…I think I’m going to go out and find a married man to have an affair with today.” Think about it…who would want a man who cheats?

I realize that my situation is probably different than a lot of other affair situations. I was friends with my man before taking the leap into having an affair. I had known him for about 20 years. True, I had lost track of him for a while and didn’t realize that he was married at the time we got reacquainted, but when we did see each other again, we started a friendship. For about a year, he was very careful not to mention the fact that he had gotten married during the time I hadn’t seen him. If I had known from the beginning, I have no idea what would have happened. I know we would have had a great friendship, since we have a great friendship now. As for becoming romantically involved with him, I honestly don’t know. During the friendship, if he had told me about what was happening in his marriage, the relationship may have progressed to what it is now, or maybe not. All I know is that it happened. Do I regret that he wasn’t honest in the beginning? Of course. I would have liked to have been able to make an informed decision as to where our relationship was going.

In the beginning, I ignored all the signs. I never even thought that he could be married. He worked 3 jobs and I was always doing things with other friends and such. We were both busy people and it just made sense that most of our contact was at my house where he rented a garage. Besides, he spent so much time by my house that I wouldn’t have thought a wife would put up with it. He was here all day on Saturdays and a lot of nights after working one job and before he went to his other job.

During the years, I’ve gone through being so mad at him for lying that I never wanted to see him again, to realizing that I wanted to be with him, to giving him ultimatums, to finally being at peace with the situation. The ups and downs were insane, but I got through them. That poor man has been yelled at by me so much, sometimes it surprises me that he’s still around!

My situation is also different in the amount of the time we spend together. There aren’t that many “other women” who have this much time. I have Saturdays and most weeknights. We don’t hide. We go out all the time, we work together, we go visit friends and family together. I haven’t heard of many men who are having affairs that will bring their mistresses to visit their relatives.

My advice to anyone thinking of dating a married man (or woman) would be: DON’T DO IT! Well, at least not right away. Take the time to know the situation. Does his wife love him? Does she believe he’s happy in the marriage? Does she make time for him? I would also try to find out if he’s ever had another affair. There are some serial cheaters out there. I know for a fact that my man has never before cheated on someone he was with. I know that his wife doesn’t care what he does or where he goes as long as he pays the bills. I also know that he hasn’t cheated on ME. He wouldn’t have the time. We spend so much time together and even when he leaves, he’s on the phone with me. I’m his “commute entertainment”. He calls every morning as he’s driving to work, then texts me during the day on his breaks, calls again when he’s on his way here after work, and calls the minute he leaves me so we can talk until he gets home. Not all affairs are like this. Some women are lucky to get one night a month with their married men.

So, if you’re thinking it would be great to be with a married man, think again. There’s a lot of craziness to go through before you come to the “happy place” I’m at right now. I know we sometimes can’t help who we love, but if the one you love is married, it’s so much harder. If you do decide that the one you love is worth it, then just keep your eyes open. Also, don’t sit around waiting for him. Keep busy. Go out and have fun. His life doesn’t stop when he’s not with you, so why should yours?

Things I Don’t Get……#3

Here it is, Wednesday night and my guy just left. We were having a great night, just hanging out, and around 9:00 he went to call his daughter (as he does every night when he’s not with her). When he came back to me, I could tell that he was upset about something, so, I asked what was wrong. He told me that his daughter asked him if he could take her to a church fair the next night and before he could answer, his wife grabbed the phone from his daughter, said, “Your father doesn’t have time for you.” and hung up on him. This really upset him and it also upset me.

That was just so wrong on so many levels. First of all, I don’t care what the circumstances are, you NEVER talk bad about the other parent! This only makes you look like a fool. This is a woman who had a good man and basically threw him away. He’s doing what he needs to do for his daughter. He’s never denied his daughter anything. If she asks him to take her somewhere, he takes her. He’s never said “no” to spending time with her, so mommy’s comment was totally uncalled for. I suggested that from now on, he should tell his daughter to go to her room and turn on her cellphone at 8:30 whenever he’s not home so he can call her without being interrupted.

I never understood trashing the other parent. What’s the point? Does it make the trasher look good? Nope. I know the situation is far from ideal, but this is what happens when you decide to ignore your husband. How long do you think he’s going to be happy without affection? How long will he be happy without someone to talk to? How long will he stick around without someone to have fun with? So now, why are you bashing a man who is trying to balance his life between making himself happy and making his daughter happy?

My guy goes to every school function, takes his daughter fishing, takes her to county fairs, helps her with homework, goes to her school if there’s a problem that needs to be addressed….he’s there for her when she needs him. She knows that she can call him at any time and no matter where he is, if she needs him, he will go to her. How dare her mother try to tell her that her father doesn’t have time for her?!?!??!

It’s times like this where I wish I could go to her and ask what she’s thinking. I understand that she has a cheating husband and in all probability, she knows this, however, she’s the one who threw him away. What was he supposed to do? Stay faithful to someone who wanted nothing to do with him. After 2 years of being ignored, he turned to a friend (me) and we became lovers. In the beginning, I actually tried to get him to save his marriage. I asked him if he was doing all he could to make things better. I gave him suggestions. It was too late for them. She wanted to be left alone and she got what she wanted. It’s now time to lie in that bed she made for herself.

He’s now happy when he’s with me, and he’s with me a lot. His wife has a house with a REAL yard, she has her bills paid, she gets to go on vacation with him, she has him to do all the yard work, she has him to take out the garbage, she has his health insurance and she will get his pension and SSI if something happens to him. I have none of these things. I have him for a few hours a night, 3 or 4 nights a week, and all day Saturday.

My guy’s wife has the freedom to do whatever she wants. If she wants to go out with friends, he’s there to watch his daughter. If she wants to go shopping, he’ll stay home with his daughter and pay the bill for the shopping when it comes in. What she does with her time is up to her.

Yeah….not an ideal situation. Not ideal for anyone involved. But, as I’ve said, he really does try. He’s a good father and he’s always thinking of his daughter even if he’s working and can’t be with her. I’ve also trained him pretty well in the not speaking bad about his wife when his daughter is around thing. He knows my feelings about that. Right now, I don’t get why she can’t give him the same consideration.

So, all you wives out there (and husbands, too)…..no matter what, never, never, NEVER talk trash about the other to your children. Why would you want to try to make your child feel that one of his or her parents is a deadbeat, especially if that parent’s actions say otherwise? Why do you want to confuse your kids like that? Your kids aren’t stupid. If your spouse (or ex-spouse) is as bad as you think, the kids will see it for themselves.

I know it’s hard, but sometimes, as parents, we need to put our feelings aside and do what’s best for our kids.

Waste of Time?

I have friends who have asked me why I’m wasting my time being with a married man Someone looking to get married may consider this a waste of time, but I don’t.

When you’re with a married man, you need to accept that it is what it is. There are things you can’t expect. You can’t expect him to leave his wife for you because sometimes, it’s just not possible. You can’t expect him to pay your bills. You can’t expect to go on a real vacation with him. You can’t expect to be able to call him any time of the day or night. You can’t expect him to be with you on “family” holidays. If you don’t expect anything, whatever extra time you have with him is gold.

This past holiday weekend, my guy and I worked together every day, so he stayed with me from Friday night to Tuesday morning. That was unusual. He left me for a few hours on Saturday night to take his daughter to see the fireworks, but when he brought her home, he came back to me.

I see my man more then most “mistresses” see their men. He’s with me almost every day after work and almost every Saturday. He’s only not with me when he has plans with his daughter. I like spending time with him. We genuinely like each other. We could spend hours talking, we go to restaurants, we watch movies, we do yard work and house work, we take day trips. We also work together on some weekends. I don’t think many other “other women” get that much time with their guys.

So, if you know you’ll have a lot of time alone, you need hobbies! I read a lot, I play video games, I play volleyball, I take long walks, I go out with friends. I keep myself very occupied. How is this wasting time???? As I’ve said, I don’t want to get married again. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Right now, I’m in a relationship that gives me time to be alone to do what I want to do just for me.

Right now, there’s no one else I’m interested in. One thing I’ve been upfront about is that if I meet someone I’m interested in and have the opportunity to date, I will. After 8 years of being with my married lover, I will give him the option to either get our relationship out in the open (I mean with his wife since everyone else knows about us) or let me go. It’s only fair that I discuss this with him.

No, I don’t consider this relationship as a waste of time. A waste of time would be if I just sat home waiting for him to call or come over and let life pass me by. That’s not what I do. Yeah, it would be nice to go away with him every now and then, but I’ll take what I can. In the meantime, I’m enjoying my life.

Things I Don’t Get #2

Do you want your husband? Do you love him? If the answer to these questions is “No”, then why do you force him to stay? How can that be enjoyable for you?

Being the other woman isn’t an ideal situation. My man doesn’t talk much about his marriage, which I think is a good thing. I take that as a sign that he doesn’t want to be the stereotypical cheating husband who is constantly badmouthing his wife. Every now and then, however, he snaps.

Every now and then, his wife will tell him she wants a divorce, but when he mentions visitation with his daughter, his wife tells him that won’t happen. Why? This is a woman who blames everything on his not being around, so why would she make it difficult for father and daughter to see each other in the event of a divorce?

I am the perfect ex-wife. I didn’t ask for anything except for child support (which was $25 per week per child) and temporary alimony ($50 per week for 6 months, which I told him to stop paying as soon as I found a job). In my divorce papers, it states that my ex will have visitation on Sundays from 9 AM to 7 PM. It also states that he can see his kids whenever he wants, as long as he calls first. It goes on to state that he could take them any weekend he wants and can be with the boys for 2 weeks to take them on vacation. Bottom line here: I know that it’s important for kids to bond with their father, so I didn’t stop him from seeing them….EVER.

I also made a promise to myself that I would never say anything bad about their father if my sons were anywhere near me. I always thought that if he was as bad as I thought, they would see it eventually without me pointing it out. In other words, I was a grownup (go figure).

In light of this, I don’t understand why a woman would purposely and maliciously keep her child from being with his or her father if said father is loving, attentive and interested in being with the child. I don’t understand women who find the need to badmouth their exes to the kids. What does this accomplish? From what I see, the only thing it accomplishes is making the mother look like a fool when she’s proven wrong.

In my case, my man’s wife has to know he’s seeing someone. He’s hardly ever home. He goes home to be with his daughter and to sleep. I really don’t think she cares, as long as she has a house, a yard, paid bills and time for herself, yet she will use her daughter as a pawn in a sadistic game designed to punish her husband. Again….why? Let him go. Why do you make things so difficult for him? Do you hate to see him happy? Don’t you want to get on with YOUR life, whether it’s alone or with someone else?

I really don’t get it. You had a good man. You ignored him. When you weren’t ignoring him, you were treating him badly. He was miserable. All you had to do was show him that you wanted him. You didn’t do that, so he turned to me. I’m not asking that he leave you. I understand his commitment to his daughter, which also means his commitment to you. He doesn’t want to leave you stranded. I know it must be difficult for you to accept that someone else is making him happy, but what have YOU done to make him happy? If you had made an effort, he wouldn’t be with me.

I guess what this all comes down to is this: if you don’t want your husband, let him go. That doesn’t mean you have to divorce him. Sometimes, divorce isn’t possible for financial reasons. Just let him live his life. If he’s a good guy, he won’t stop supporting you. All he wants is a chance to be happy and to be able to do things with his child. Don’t keep them apart.

Things I Don’t Get….#1

There are many things I don’t get when it comes to my situation. One thing I don’t get is: If you love your husband and want to keep him, why did you alienate him?

My man is a good man. He does his best to support his family. All he asked for in return was some attention and affection. He got neither. As soon as his daughter was born, things changed. His wife no longer wanted him to touch her. Not just in a sexual way, either. She stopped wanting him to kiss her or even hug her. She told him that her doctor told her that the birth turned off a “switch” in her, which triggered an early menopause, that made her lose all interest in any form of affection.

I’m not buying it. True, I’m not a doctor, but I’ve never heard of such a “switch”. I know that some women DO lose an interest in sex during menopause, but I’ve never heard of any doctor telling a woman to just accept it because nothing can be done to help. This is a woman who is older than her husband by a few years. How could she expect him, at the age of 35, to accept that not only will he never have sex again, but he also will never get to cuddle or be kissed?

After a few years of being rejected and hearing excuses, he turned to me. I guess we got reacquainted at the right time. Our relationship started out as a friendship. In the beginning, there was no sex. It progressed slowly from talking, to hugging and kissing, then finally to sex. When I found out he was married, before I went any further with the relationship, I told him to try to make things work with his wife. I had been through having kids myself and know how tiring it can be. But I also know that kids sleep, and that leaves mommy and daddy alone time to do whatever: watch a movie while snuggled up on the couch, have a romantic dinner (candles and takeout will do), put on some sexy lingerie and see where it goes….

OK…so I suggested he try to make things work with his wife. When his daughter was born, he bought his wife some lingerie that she never wore. She told him that when they got a house, she would wear it, so he went home one night and laid it out on the bed. She went to the bedroom and he gave her some time before he went upstairs. When he got to the bedroom, the lingerie was no longer on the bed, but it also was not on his wife. She was in flannels, said she was tired and wanted to sleep alone. HELLO!!!! Your man TRIED to do something nice, and you reject him? That was when he started sleeping on the couch. She’s never asked if he was ever coming back to the bedroom. She’s also never tried to be affectionate towards him.

I get that having and caring for a baby is tiring. I did it myself….TWICE….with a man who never helped. He was like my third kid. My ex-husband never came with me to doctor’s appointments (pre-natal or pediatrician). He only agreed to be in the delivery room with me because I wanted to have natural childbirth and told him that if he wouldn’t be there, I would have a gay, male friend with me who was very excited about the birth. My ex-husband never gave either kid a bath, never fed them, never changed a diaper, never came with us to the park. To this day, even as my kids are grown, he does nothing. My older son lives 4 hours away from his father and my ex has never made the effort to see where his son lives. I had to do it all: cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, childcare. My man is not like that. He was there in every way: at doctor’s appointments, helping with feedings, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping. His wife didn’t appreciate any of it. Now, he has me. I appreciate all he does for me (and he does a lot).

He still does all the work around his house and takes care of his daughter when his wife goes out. He cooks for his daughter and brings her special treats. You may ask, “What good is it? He’s never home!” He’s home when he’s needed. He’s home every Sunday to do chores around the house. He’s at his daughter’s school for special events. He participates in every Father/Daughter event. If he’s not home before her bedtime, he calls his daughter to talk about her day and to say good night. His daughter knows he cares about her.

So, I really don’t get how a woman, who has a good man, just throws him away.