Tag Archive | alienating husband

Is it an Affair or a Relationship?

The other night, I was talking to a friend and, in her infinite wisdom, reminded me that there IS a difference between an affair and a relationship.

An affair is a fling.  There isn’t any commitment involved.  The husband (or wife) is bored with the marriage.  Maybe having a child put a strain in the relationship.  A man will sometimes feel like he lost the woman he fell in love with.  It’s natural…babies are needy and can’t do things for themselves.  His wife spends hours on end with the new baby and it’s easy for her to forget that the grown man she married needs some attention too.   So what does he do?  He maybe meets someone who makes him feel important.  That progresses to them having sex.  The husband feels guilty about this because, really, his wife hasn’t done anything “wrong”…she just stopped being the sexy, fun-loving person he fell in love with.   The guilt gets to be too much or it gets harder and harder to get away, so eventually, the affair fizzles out.  In other words, an affair is generally a short term fix that is mostly kept hidden from everyone.  Once his wife finds out about the affair or she starts being her old self again, the affair is over.

Before I continue, let me just say that I know having a baby is exhausting!  I’ve been through it.  It’s hard to feel sexy and free spirited when you can’t keep your eyes open!  Is an exhausted wife any reason for a man to run to someone else?  No.  If a man feels deprived of attention, he needs to have a conversation with his significant other to let her know how he feels.  Then, maybe, they can come up with a solution to the problem other than him finding another woman to make him feel wanted.

That being said, I have also seen some women use a new baby as an “excuse” to no longer have sex.   How many times can a man hear “I’m SOOOOO tired”, or “We’ll wake the baby”?  Babies sleep.  After a few weeks of having the baby home, a routine is established.  Babies sleep and that should be the time for Mommy to catch a nap too!  Seriously…ask your husband what he would prefer;  no dirty dishes in the sink or a rested, happy wife?  For the record, HE can do some housework too.

OK, so, it happens.  He has an affair.  Time goes on and nothing changes at home.  He sees more and more of his other woman.  Then, one day he realizes that he has more feelings for his girlfriend than he does for his wife.  He leaves the house earlier in the morning so he could stop at his girlfriend’s house to have breakfast, or just a cup of coffee.  He stops by after work and they either go out to dinner or they stay in and cook.  He spends more time at his girlfriend’s house and finds that he’s much happier.  They go out together, they see friends and family, they don’t hide the fact that they’re seeing each other.   This affair has now turned into a relationship.

An affair usually means sex and take out.  A relationship means sharing lives.  I know exactly when the affair with my man turned into a relationship.  It was about six years ago and I was in Florida visiting my son.  I was at the pool one day and was talking to a few people about restaurants.  The only male there was telling us about his favorite restaurant, but he didn’t like going there alone.  Since his wife and son weren’t with him on that particular trip, he asked me if I wanted to go with him.  I knew he was “safe”, so I agreed.  We went to the restaurant the next night and had a great time.  He introduced me to steak tartare and crepe Suzettes.  We talked, we took a walk around the financial district since I had never been there and we were home before midnight.  We then sat by the pool with a few other people sharing a bottle of wine.

I had always been open with my man, so he knew that I was going out with this friend.  However, I guess it made him think that if I could go out with this guy, what was to stop me from actually dating?  My birthday was a week after I got home from that trip.  When he came over after work, he had a gorgeous necklace for me.  It was a heart within a heart and it had a diamond in the middle.  Then, he told me that we were going out for dinner.  We joked about that being our “first date”.  We went to my favorite steak house and over dinner he was so romantic it was sappy!  He said that he realized that we had been together for a few years and that technically this was our first official date, but that it was just the beginning.  Then he started talking about the necklace and that when he saw it he was reminded of us and that it symbolized his heart protecting my heart.  I looked at him and said, “You know…that’s all fine and dandy and very sweet, but, since this is our first date, you won’t be getting laid.”   That was the beginning.  We have a real date night at least once a week.

Our relationship has progressed from that one night a week to him being here every night.  He helps around the house, he watches my pets when I go away, we go food shopping and cook together, we walk together, we go visiting.  We hang out and watch movies (well, he watches the movie and I usually fall asleep!).  People accept us as a couple.  When people tell me there is no commitment here, I have to laugh.  He may not be supporting me financially, but I have his emotional support and love.  I’m happy with that.

 

 

 

 

 

Cheating Isn’t Always Black and White…There are Shades of Grey – Part 2

When I started this blog, I knew I would get trashed.  It’s inevitable.  This is a very touchy subject and I understand that.  I just wish that people who feel the need to psycho-analyze me and my relationship actually would READ my posts….ALL of them….before trying to pass judgement!

Yes, there are “serial cheaters”.  But sometimes, there are those who cheat because they were emotionally abandoned by their spouses (I’m talking about both men and women here).  So, if one is emotionally abandoned, what do you do?  Do you stay with the spouse, knowing you will never get another hug, or kiss, or kind word?  Do you live in misery for the rest of your life?  Even if you never dreamed you would cheat, if you resigned yourself to the sexless, loveless life you found yourself in, what would you do if you met someone who was willing to give you a hug, or talk to you, or laugh with you?  Cheating is not black and white…there really are shades of grey.  I’ve said over and over again that not all relationships are the same.  No one outside of ANY relationship knows what happens on the inside.  I have no delusions.  I’m sure my guy and his wife DO talk civilly to each other when they have to.  She will always be the mother of his child.  There will always be that bond.  But that doesn’t mean that there is a real marriage there.

When my man and I go out, whether it’s with friends or alone, people view us as the “old married couple”.  We know each other so well we finish each other’s sentences (sounds cliche, but it’s true), we know when to give the other distance, we can make each other laugh.   We hold hands in the car, or when we’re walking down the street.  We steal kisses when we work together.  We know each other’s faults and can call each other on them.

There are waiters and waitresses who know us as a couple and probably would be shocked to know that we’re not married to each other.   If I go to our favorite diner without him, someone always asks about my “husband”.

Is this the ideal situation?  Of course not!  Certainly I would have preferred to meet a nice SINGLE guy, but I didn’t.  I met him.  I didn’t go out looking for a married man, and in the beginning, I also didn’t expect to be in a relationship with him.  That was because he’s so much younger than me.  I didn’t know he was married in the beginning.  Maybe I should have ended it when I found out, but I didn’t.  Things progressed to where we are now and there’s no point looking back.

People are going to judge me whether they know me or not.  I just wish that before judging, they look into themselves and ask those “what ifs”.

Cheating Isn’t Always Black and White…There are Shades of Grey – Part 1

I received a comment today from someone who thinks they know who I am.   This person also feels that they know what my relationship with my married lover is all about.   For the record, I copied and pasted the comment as is.  I didn’t change a word in the original;  just added MY comments.  Here it is (with my comments in bold italics):

Ma’am you are just a piece of tail at this point. And at your age, you should be ashamed for not requiring more of this guy. The reason you are still with this man and allow him to treat you this way is because you have low self esteem. (Can someone my age REALLY be considered “just a piece of tail”?  I guess I always thought of “a piece of tail” as someone much younger.  My bad.  Why should I be ashamed of not requiring more of this guy?  I’m a self-sufficient woman.  I don’t need a man to support me.  My self-esteem is quite good, thank you very much.  I like myself enough to want to spend time with me.) You care about this man deeply and think because he spends a few days a week with you he’s committed- but those no such thing as a 50% commitment- you are being used and he and his buddies are laughing at you even as I type this e-mail.(Yes, I do care deeply about this man and I know he cares deeply about me.  This is not because he spends a few days a week with me.  This is because he shows me every day how much he cares.  I know most of his friends and I can assure you that they are NOT laughing at me.  Well….when we’re all together, we do laugh a lot, but that’s something different, isn’t it?) I guarantee you if you put your foot down and say to this guy, leave your wife and be with me, he would NOT do that and you would be s.o.l.(I know he wouldn’t leave his wife at this time.  I have no delusions about that.  It’s not the right time.  His child is young and needs him there.  He’s very involved in her life and that’s how it SHOULD be.  So, I don’t feel that I would be “S.O.L”.  Let’s continue, shall we?) You’re probably saying “I don’t want him to leave his wife, I like it this way” but the truth is you’ve learned to tolerate it this way because that is all he will allow you.(Really?  I only “tolerate” this because this is all he “allows” me to have?  Yes, there was a point where I thought I wanted him to leave his wife and be with me.  We talked about this.  Right now, it’s not possible.  I don’t tolerate it, I accept it.) It’s embarrassing to be the Other Women- because no one respects you. People view you as the fool, the whore, the homewrecker and you think you’ve got the advantage.(I’m not in the least embarrassed.  You are someone who really doesn’t know me.  Not only do you not know me, or my man, you haven’t read my whole blog.  His family invites me to their homes for birthdays, anniversaries, dinner, dessert and just to play a game of dominoes.  I’ve been there when his cousins and aunts have asked him when he’s going to leave his wife.  They don’t like her.  She has never made any effort to get along with them.  She will not go see them, nor will she let him bring their daughter to see them.  Because of this, his daughter has cousins she sadly does not know.  Is this fair?) You’re probably thinking- “oh his poor wife”(Nope…never thought this at all), but she’s the one with the house ( I have a house of my own), the car (I also have a car that I love), the kids (OMGs!!  I have kids!!!  They’re just not HIS kids, but he gets along with them very nicely.), the life and his balls in a vice (LOL!!!  Yeah…I’ll admit that I have mentioned the balls to him a time or two.  Only I ask if they’re detachable and are put on a shelf when he walks into his house.) and you are a gardener who comes and visits you to rake the leaves twice a week?(Not fair!!!  I help rake the leaves!!!  But seriously, it’s not so much that he does these things for me…we SHARE the work.  If he’s doing work on his cars, I’m there talking to him.  It’s not about him being my gardener…it’s about sharing time.) I am only 29 and I am sure there are a lot of things I don’t understand about marriage, but I do know statistically speaking men most often do NOT leave their wives for the other women- because they don’t have to.(You’re right, you really don’t understand at all.  Divorce is expensive and there are woman who make things far more difficult than they should when it comes to visitation.  I know the statistics.  I also know that if the time comes when I NEED him to live with me for whatever reason, and he refuses, he will no longer be welcome in my home.  But, as I’ve said in other posts, I really do like my alone time.)   The other women is stupid enough to believe that this arrangement is ok and therefore stays engaged in it all the while the guy is living the dream.(He’s not rich.  If he was “living the dream”, he’d be retired in his mansion on the hill.) He tells you “my wife doesn’t understand me, my wife knows I don’t love her, my wife doesn’t sleep with me” all of these are lies (Actually, we don’t talk about his wife much.  She is the mother of his child and I really don’t agree with the trash talk some people engage in.  The only time she pops up in conversation is when he’s so frustrated when he’s not “allowed” to bring his daughter places alone.) - every day he goes home to his wife and tries to make up for cheating on her (He usually gets home very late.  She doesn’t wait up.  I know this….I’ve driven him home the few times his car was in the shop.  She doesn’t even leave a light on for him.) and you are home alone in bed deep down inside hoping that he’ll leave her to be with you (Puleeze!!!  Really?!?!?!  He leaves me and immediately calls me so we can talk on his way home.  When we hang up, I either go to sleep or lie in bed reading, which is something I couldn’t do if he were with me.  If he leaves his wife, that will be HIS choice.). But you better hope that never happens- because then you’ll be his women while sound other lady talks about you- who happens to be his “other women’(IF he ever does leave his wife and moves in with me, I will not make the mistakes that she has made.  I talk to him, I let him vent about work, I actually pay attention to him.). With all due respect ma’am, grow up and stop stealing what doesn’t belong to you (I didn’t “steal” anything.  She let him go.). Find someone who can be devoted to you- you really want that you just don’t think you can get it (I do have someone who is devoted to me.  He just doesn’t live with me.  And, FYI, I get asked out quite a bit. I choose not to accept because, contrary to what you would like to believe, I’m happy.). Good luck

TO BE CONTINUED………

 

 

Things I Don’t Get #2

Do you want your husband? Do you love him? If the answer to these questions is “No”, then why do you force him to stay? How can that be enjoyable for you?

Being the other woman isn’t an ideal situation. My man doesn’t talk much about his marriage, which I think is a good thing. I take that as a sign that he doesn’t want to be the stereotypical cheating husband who is constantly badmouthing his wife. Every now and then, however, he snaps.

Every now and then, his wife will tell him she wants a divorce, but when he mentions visitation with his daughter, his wife tells him that won’t happen. Why? This is a woman who blames everything on his not being around, so why would she make it difficult for father and daughter to see each other in the event of a divorce?

I am the perfect ex-wife. I didn’t ask for anything except for child support (which was $25 per week per child) and temporary alimony ($50 per week for 6 months, which I told him to stop paying as soon as I found a job). In my divorce papers, it states that my ex will have visitation on Sundays from 9 AM to 7 PM. It also states that he can see his kids whenever he wants, as long as he calls first. It goes on to state that he could take them any weekend he wants and can be with the boys for 2 weeks to take them on vacation. Bottom line here: I know that it’s important for kids to bond with their father, so I didn’t stop him from seeing them….EVER.

I also made a promise to myself that I would never say anything bad about their father if my sons were anywhere near me. I always thought that if he was as bad as I thought, they would see it eventually without me pointing it out. In other words, I was a grownup (go figure).

In light of this, I don’t understand why a woman would purposely and maliciously keep her child from being with his or her father if said father is loving, attentive and interested in being with the child. I don’t understand women who find the need to badmouth their exes to the kids. What does this accomplish? From what I see, the only thing it accomplishes is making the mother look like a fool when she’s proven wrong.

In my case, my man’s wife has to know he’s seeing someone. He’s hardly ever home. He goes home to be with his daughter and to sleep. I really don’t think she cares, as long as she has a house, a yard, paid bills and time for herself, yet she will use her daughter as a pawn in a sadistic game designed to punish her husband. Again….why? Let him go. Why do you make things so difficult for him? Do you hate to see him happy? Don’t you want to get on with YOUR life, whether it’s alone or with someone else?

I really don’t get it. You had a good man. You ignored him. When you weren’t ignoring him, you were treating him badly. He was miserable. All you had to do was show him that you wanted him. You didn’t do that, so he turned to me. I’m not asking that he leave you. I understand his commitment to his daughter, which also means his commitment to you. He doesn’t want to leave you stranded. I know it must be difficult for you to accept that someone else is making him happy, but what have YOU done to make him happy? If you had made an effort, he wouldn’t be with me.

I guess what this all comes down to is this: if you don’t want your husband, let him go. That doesn’t mean you have to divorce him. Sometimes, divorce isn’t possible for financial reasons. Just let him live his life. If he’s a good guy, he won’t stop supporting you. All he wants is a chance to be happy and to be able to do things with his child. Don’t keep them apart.

Things I Don’t Get….#1

There are many things I don’t get when it comes to my situation. One thing I don’t get is: If you love your husband and want to keep him, why did you alienate him?

My man is a good man. He does his best to support his family. All he asked for in return was some attention and affection. He got neither. As soon as his daughter was born, things changed. His wife no longer wanted him to touch her. Not just in a sexual way, either. She stopped wanting him to kiss her or even hug her. She told him that her doctor told her that the birth turned off a “switch” in her, which triggered an early menopause, that made her lose all interest in any form of affection.

I’m not buying it. True, I’m not a doctor, but I’ve never heard of such a “switch”. I know that some women DO lose an interest in sex during menopause, but I’ve never heard of any doctor telling a woman to just accept it because nothing can be done to help. This is a woman who is older than her husband by a few years. How could she expect him, at the age of 35, to accept that not only will he never have sex again, but he also will never get to cuddle or be kissed?

After a few years of being rejected and hearing excuses, he turned to me. I guess we got reacquainted at the right time. Our relationship started out as a friendship. In the beginning, there was no sex. It progressed slowly from talking, to hugging and kissing, then finally to sex. When I found out he was married, before I went any further with the relationship, I told him to try to make things work with his wife. I had been through having kids myself and know how tiring it can be. But I also know that kids sleep, and that leaves mommy and daddy alone time to do whatever: watch a movie while snuggled up on the couch, have a romantic dinner (candles and takeout will do), put on some sexy lingerie and see where it goes….

OK…so I suggested he try to make things work with his wife. When his daughter was born, he bought his wife some lingerie that she never wore. She told him that when they got a house, she would wear it, so he went home one night and laid it out on the bed. She went to the bedroom and he gave her some time before he went upstairs. When he got to the bedroom, the lingerie was no longer on the bed, but it also was not on his wife. She was in flannels, said she was tired and wanted to sleep alone. HELLO!!!! Your man TRIED to do something nice, and you reject him? That was when he started sleeping on the couch. She’s never asked if he was ever coming back to the bedroom. She’s also never tried to be affectionate towards him.

I get that having and caring for a baby is tiring. I did it myself….TWICE….with a man who never helped. He was like my third kid. My ex-husband never came with me to doctor’s appointments (pre-natal or pediatrician). He only agreed to be in the delivery room with me because I wanted to have natural childbirth and told him that if he wouldn’t be there, I would have a gay, male friend with me who was very excited about the birth. My ex-husband never gave either kid a bath, never fed them, never changed a diaper, never came with us to the park. To this day, even as my kids are grown, he does nothing. My older son lives 4 hours away from his father and my ex has never made the effort to see where his son lives. I had to do it all: cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, childcare. My man is not like that. He was there in every way: at doctor’s appointments, helping with feedings, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping. His wife didn’t appreciate any of it. Now, he has me. I appreciate all he does for me (and he does a lot).

He still does all the work around his house and takes care of his daughter when his wife goes out. He cooks for his daughter and brings her special treats. You may ask, “What good is it? He’s never home!” He’s home when he’s needed. He’s home every Sunday to do chores around the house. He’s at his daughter’s school for special events. He participates in every Father/Daughter event. If he’s not home before her bedtime, he calls his daughter to talk about her day and to say good night. His daughter knows he cares about her.

So, I really don’t get how a woman, who has a good man, just throws him away.

It’s NOT a piece of cake…

Being the other woman isn’t easy. Some people think that it’s a piece of cake because we only get him or see him on his “good” days. We don’t have to be with him constantly or deal with his moods. In a way, that’s true, but then again, it’s not true.

In my case, we’re together a lot. This past weekend, we worked on my house. We had been discussing moving my bedroom to the back of the house where it was originally. I’m a bit torn on this because I got used to having my “cave room”. All the pros he gave me for moving made sense (especially since the only closet in my house is in that back room, so I won’t have to walk through the house to get at my clothes), so I decided to go for it. We decided on a color scheme and went out to get paint. When we got back, I got to organizing things in my kitchen and he started fixing cracks in the walls and priming.

After an afternoon of working, we went out to eat, then came home to pop in a DVD. Well, we worked hard all afternoon, so as soon as the movie started, I fell asleep and he wasn’t too far behind. He woke me up around 12:30 with hot chocolate and a donut. The dogs were walked and all I had to do was drink and eat. We hung out and talked for another hour, he left and we talked on the phone until he got home.

I’ve been with him when he’s happy. I’ve been with him when he’s upset. I’ve been with him when he’s beyond pissy. No, I don’t only have him on good days. It works both ways, too. He’s seen me in all my moods and clothing styles. He’s seen me thin and he’s seen me fat. It’s good times and bad times and everything in between. And I don’t feel that I’m lucky to not have to live with him.

If you want to be married or if you want your man to be with you all the time, do NOT date a married man. I never understood how a woman could say she preferred being with a married man. If I knew he was married in the beginning, I wouldn’t be with him. We have a normal life together, except when he has to leave to go home. I would love to have him with me, but right now, it’s not possible.

Will I get tired of living this way? Possibly. When I do, then I will make the decision to not be with him. Until then, I’ll take as much of him as I can get.