Tag Archive | being the other woman

Are All Cheating Husbands The Same?

I hear from a lot of wives who try to tell me and my readers that what their husbands did to their “OW” is what is happening to us. I also have comments from former “OW” who feel that their experience will also be our experiences. It seems that no one is understanding that not all relationships with married men are the same.

I fully acknowledge that there are some guys out there who don’t care what lies they tell as long as it gets them laid. There are also women out there who are more then willing to believe these lies, whether they are the wife or the mistress. I would think that this type of man would get what he wants, then move on to the next “conquest”. I would also think that this type of man wouldn’t last long with a mistress if there were some weeks that were “sexless”.

I think what we, as OW, need to remember is that we are not the wives. I’m in my relationship around 10 years now and even though we have a strong bond, I know that things could change and I could be gone from his life. Even though I’m sure that his wife knows he’s seeing someone, I feel that if someone went to her to tell her they saw the two of us together, she would give him an ultimatum. He would then be forced to choose between me and seeing his daughter. He would, of course, choose his daughter. I’ve been prepared for this. I have to be. If I become too comfortable in this relationship and feel that there’s no way he could ever leave me, I will be open for a whole lot of added hurt if he does. Maybe this sounds pessimistic, but it’s not; it’s realistic.

Relationships of any kind sometimes don’t last. Best friends from childhood grow apart. Friends from high school go to college, find jobs and move away. College roommates move on. Males and females will have a few significant others before they find “the one”, and sometimes even “the one” turns out to be only temporary. It’s a fact of life. Being the other woman is a totally different situation. Not only do we have to worry about our men growing away from us, we also have to think about what happens if the wife finds out. Preparing for the worst is just a matter of emotional survival.

There are many women who, when in a relationship, will stop seeing their friends. This is especially true for women in relationships with married men. Sometimes, the friends don’t agree with the relationship, but rather than agree to disagree, the OW will simply end the friendships. Sometimes, it’s not a matter of friends agreeing or disagreeing; it’s a matter of wanting to be available when their married lover calls. None of this is right. When you choose to end friendships, you’ll be spending way too many nights alone. Everyone needs time to be with friends. We all need to cut loose every now and then; have a few drinks, see a movie, go to dinner. They’re a good support system when we’re happy, and even better when we’re miserable.

If you are always available to your man, whether he’s married or not, he will come to expect you to always be there. Don’t be afraid to make plans. A few times of being unavailable will let the man know that he either needs to make plans with you in advance or realize that he’ll be spending the night alone. One thing ANY woman should look out for in a man is if they ask her to choose him over her friends. This isn’t a love issue…it’s a control issue. Run.

Yes, there are men out there who have loving wives waiting for them at home. They tell their wives that they’re working late, or going away on business trips. Their wives don’t question them because they buy them gifts and are very attentive when they’re home. These men feel that they need a little “variety”, and it’s not hurting anyone as long as he’s not caught. He’s living a lie and it doesn’t bother him one bit.

In my case, my man married for all the wrong reasons. He worked in a bar and she was a “bartender groupie”. She went to the bar every weekend, they got to talking and then started partying together. Since he worked all the time, she came over one night and didn’t leave. After a while, they realized that they wanted to start a family, but she needed to be married to do that (which is understandable). They got married, she got pregnant. The partying stopped. Once the party was over, they both realized that the partying was all they really had in common. When the baby was born, she became over-protective to the point that he wasn’t “allowed” to do anything for the baby except go out to buy diapers and formula. To this day, he isn’t “allowed” to bring his daughter anywhere alone. His wife claims he’s a “dangerous” driver, even though he’s never had a traffic violation. I’m used to driving, so I’m kind of a control freak in a car, but I feel perfectly safe when he’s driving.

My married lover isn’t some scumbag just out to get laid. He’s been with me when I’ve been overweight, when I’ve been underweight, working, unemployed, happy or miserable, sick or well….we’ve been through it all. He’s with me when I need him. We are more of a “married couple” than many married couples that we know.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that no one should judge anyone else’s relationship. What happens to one may never happen to another. But then, if you are the other woman, just prepare yourself for anything.

How Not to Get Caught

I would never  advise someone to go out and purposely find a married man to start a relationship with.  That being said, this is real life and sometimes, things happen.

When you’re with a married man, there is always a chance that you’re going to get caught, and getting caught brings on unnecessary hurt to the spouse.  This hurt extends to any children that the couple may have.  No matter what the situation is at home, no woman wants her husband’s affair made public.  Maybe friends and family aren’t aware that there’s trouble in the marriage.  If her husband gets caught in an affair, it may force an action that the wife isn’t ready, or willing, to make.

I’m in the process of writing a book on how not to get caught.  Before I finalize it,  I was wondering if any of you out there have specific scenarios you would like to see covered in it.  If you have any ideas, just send over a comment!

Thanks!!!!

In the Beginning…..

The relationship my MM and I have is NOT typical.  Most relationships like ours is limited to maybe one day a week, sometimes less.  I have the advantage of seeing my man almost every day.  It wasn’t always like that, though.

In the beginning, I would see him once a week when he came to work in the garage he rented.  This was before we actually had a relationship.  It was at a time when we were getting reacquainted as friends.  Even when our relationship turned into a romantic one, we still only saw each other once, or maybe twice a week.  Back then, we didn’t go out.  Our world consisted of my little patch of property.  We got take-out and watched movies.

I always knew his family, but didn’t spend time with them.  Our contact was usually just a wave in passing.  I never saw him visiting them, with or without his wife and daughter, so one day, I asked him why.   His wife refused to to see them, even though, at the time, they lived only 2 miles away.  She never liked his family…and there was a bit of an issue when his mom passed away, so she used that as an “I told you so” kind of thing.   He stopped talking to that side of the family.  I convinced him that they really weren’t bad people and it was time he got to know his aunts and cousins again.  That’s when our world expanded to include his aunt’s house.

I knew that he was unhappy with the school system where he lived, and that he was looking to buy a house, with a yard for his daughter, in a town where there were no gang problems, and the schools were highly rated.  I told myself that if he bought his wife a house, I would end our relationship.  I couldn’t grasp the idea that he was buying the house for his daughter, so she could have a yard to play in.  Obviously, his wife was moving in too, and that bothered me.  I couldn’t understand why he would want to further tie himself to a woman he claimed to no longer love.  When he finally did find a house, I told him that I was done.  I made sure I wasn’t home on weekends so there was no chance of running into him.  I wouldn’t answer my phone when he called.  This lasted about a month.

One day, I came home from work and he was here waiting for me.  We had a long talk about how I was feeling and how he was feeling and we both realized that without meaning to, we fell in love with each other.  This was about 2 years into our relationship.  Our world was still only this tiny area.  We didn’t even talk on the phone at this time.

A few years after he and his family moved into the house, we were talking about how it sucked that if we were having a good conversation, we had to end it when he had to leave to go home.  He told me that if he could, he’d call me all the time.  I decided to test that, so I got him a phone on my cell family plan.  I really never thought he’d call as much as he does.  That’s when our morning and evening commute calls started.  He would also call me when I went on vacation.  Every time he had a break at work, he’d call to find out what state I was in (I drive to Florida twice a year…alone).

On one of my vacations, I was in the pool with a couple other condo owners and we were talking about restaurants.  One of the guys was there alone because he had to come down on business and his wife and son couldn’t make it because of school.  He asked if I had ever gone to one particular restaurant, which was his favorite.  I hadn’t been there, so he asked if I would go with him the next night.  He was having a craving for their duck l’orange and he was leaving in two days.  :-D When my guy called later that day, I told him about the next night’s dinner plans.

Dinner was great and the guy I went with had no expectations of any “after dinner activities” (which was good because I know his wife and son).  The following morning, my guy called and asked about dinner.  I told him about the place and what we had and then we moved on to discuss other things.

I got back from Florida a couple days before my birthday.  On my birthday, my guy came over with a present and told me to get dressed because we were going out.  He took me to my favorite steakhouse!  We had been together for almost 5 years, and we were laughing that this was our first “official” date.  The present was a really pretty necklace with two hearts, one inside the other, and a diamond.  As we were in the middle of dinner, he leaned over and touched the hearts and said something about how the larger heart was his heart protecting my heart…sappy, but sweet…and when he finished his little speech, I looked at him very seriously and said, “That’s sweet and all, but, I still don’t f**k on a first date.”  I should have waited until he swallowed that sip of Coke…..

After that first date, we decided that we needed a date night every week.  Once a week turned into dinner almost every night.  On date night, we go to a nice place where we have to wear grown up clothes, while on the other nights, we’ll just go out for hot dogs, hamburgers or wings.  We have our regular places and the servers all know us as a couple.  We go to the local Dunkin Donuts so much that they know what we want without us having to say anything.

In those first years, there were the discussions about why he can’t be with me if he’s so unhappy with his marriage.  I would tell him it was over, he would convince me that we belong together.   The worst part of it was his vacation time.  His daughter deserved a fun vacation even though her parents didn’t get along, so every year, they all go on a family trip.  I’m still not happy with that, but, it is what it is.  Even when he’s away, he brings “our” phone and calls me whenever he can.

I don’t even remember when it happened, but there was a time when I realized that I actually liked our arrangement.  I got my bed to myself.  I could come and go as I please.  If I wanted to go shopping, I didn’t have to OK it with anyone.  I don’t have to either lie awake tossing and turning or leave my bed to go to another room to read when I can’t sleep.  I don’t have to clean up after anyone else (even though HE does most of my housework).  I can cook when I want to, not because I HAVE to.

The one thing that I regret to this day is that I don’t know his daughter.  Whenever she has some extracurricular activity that he goes to, I wish I was able to go.  We’ve had talks about what will happen when she finally does find out about me.  Personally, I think she’ll resent me.  He thinks differently.  I worry about how she’ll react when she finds out that her childhood has basically been a lie.  I worry that she’ll grow up thinking that it’s “normal” for a married couple to not share a room, or show any affection to each other.  I went through that when I was a kid and it wasn’t easy to get over it.  It took me a long time to be able to openly show affection for someone.  Some therapist is going to make a LOT of money!  It’s sad, but I can’t tell him what to do when it comes to raising his child.  I also feel bad that she has cousins she doesn’t even know, but that’s also not up to me.

All in all, we’re happy.  He does realize that I may not be around forever.  Who knows what the future holds?  I could decide that I don’t want to be left out of the little things anymore.  I also realize that if his wife decided that she’s had enough of him not being home that he could end it with me rather than chance losing his daughter.   It’s been a long journey getting to acceptance, but I’m there now.  I’m not “settling”…I just decided to stop stressing over what I can’t (and don’t really want to) change.

 

 

Being The Other Woman Is Rarely Planned

Contrary to popular belief, there aren’t many women who make a conscious decision to be in a relationship with a married man.  I say “not many” rather than “any” because there are always exceptions to every rule.  There are women who do go out looking to hook up with married men.  These women, though, are usually gold diggers looking to snare a rich guy who will take them on trips, buy them cars, jewelry and sometimes homes.  I am not like these women.

Trust me when I say that if I were to specifically look for a married man, I would be cruising the yacht clubs in Miami and Fort Lauderdale.   His wife would be in the marriage for the money just as I would be in the affair for the money.  While his wife was with him doing volunteer work and going to boring country club and business dinners,  I’d be taken on trips all over the world on his private yacht (hence, the looking in yacht clubs) and I’d buy my jeans and tank tops (I wouldn’t need sweatshirts since I’d winter in Florida and summer in Nantucket) at Neiman Marcus instead of Old Navy.  I’d drive a sporty little BMW instead of a Chevy and I would NEVER buy my Nikes on sale again!  As for those $2 flipflops…fuggetaboudit!  I’d buy the $20 flipflops with the ridiculous flowers and a nice big platform so they’d give me some height.   My maid would clean up after me, the gardener would take care of the perfectly manicured lawn and flowers, the pool boy would make sure the water in my screened in pool and adjoining spa were at the perfect temperatures and pH balances and my house would be kept at a constant 70 degrees.  What a nice world it would be!  ::::::::::::::POP:::::::::::::::

OK….the bubble  has burst.

My guy has a blue collar job and drives an almost 20 year old car that can in no way be considered “classic”.   He can’t afford to take me on trips and he doesn’t shower me with clothes, cars and jewelry.  He works two jobs to keep up with bills and when we go out to dinner, we very rarely go anyplace that has tablecloths.  We don’t have much, but we have more than a lot of people.  What we have can’t be bought.  We have a terrific intimate relationship, but we also have a lasting friendship.   Neither of us would lightly give up what we have with each other.

We’re not together because we planned it, we’re together because life happened.  I’m not a “slut” or a “whore”.  I don’t have “low self-esteem” as some have said in their comments.  I don’t feel “unworthy” of a single man who can give me 100% of himself so I “settled” for the married man I’m with.   I’m not “deluding” myself into thinking I’m happy and that he loves me.  I know these things.  I’m not “wasting” my time with him.  Would things be better if he wasn’t married?  In some ways, yes.  He wouldn’t have to leave me at 2 AM to drive an hour home.  I’d be able to know his daughter.  We’d be able to go to my condo together every now and then, even with his daughter, so I could show her the Florida that I’ve known since I was a kid.   Does any of this make me want to get rid of him for a “nice single man”?  No.  Does it mean that he still loves his wife if he’s not divorcing her?  No.  People can’t seem to wrap their minds around the fact that there is no black and white when it comes to infidelity.

Every relationship has down sides.  In my relationship, the ups make up for the downs.  No…not many women plan for this.  It’s not easy being the other woman.  No matter how busy you are, there are nights alone, vacations alone and holidays alone.   I can hear it now; all the cheated on wives “tsk tsking”.   I can guarantee that all of the “other women” who are reading this aren’t sleeping with happily married men.   If a man has a mistress, he’s not really happy in his marriage, is he?

Is the Other Woman the “Bad Guy”?

I hear from a lot of OW.  The stories are all different, but the essentially the same; we fell in love with married men.

One of the things that most of us has done is to try to get our married lovers to look at their marriages and see if they can make them work again.  Obviously, I can only relay my experience with this, but I know I’m not the only one.  If you’re with a married man, before you’re too involved, it helps to have him try anything he needs to in order to work on his marriage.  If it’s done in the early stages of your affair, you’ll hurt, but it won’t be as bad as if it were to happen after years into it.

When I first found out that my guy was married, we had a long discussion about his marriage and what went wrong.  He was very uncomfortable talking to me about it at first, I think because he felt that I would be overly upset, but we did talk it out.

He met his wife when he was at his night job as a bartender at a local rock bar.   He was working one Friday night and she walked in with a couple of friends.  She stayed until closing and waited for him to finish his clean up, then invited him out to breakfast.  He didn’t go because he worked all day, then was at the bar all night, so he just wanted to get home.  She showed up the next weekend, but on a Saturday night.  After a few m0nths of this, she went home with him and never left.  They lived together for a year, got married and a year after that had a baby.  Once their daughter was born, he said it all changed.

He worked long hours during the week, then at the bar every Wednesday and all weekend, so they never really “dated”.  Their dating consisted of her sitting at the bar while he served beer and shots.   They really had nothing in common except partying.  Not a very substantial basis for a relationship, but, I guess they didn’t realize it at the time.  As for sex, he said it was never a huge priority for either of them.  He was exhausted from work and she accepted that because, I guess everyone has that assumption that if you’re living together, if you don’t have sex one night, you could make up for it the next.

Another thing that should have been a red flag was that his family couldn’t stand her.  His parents, though divorced for years, got together with him one night and tried to talk him out of marrying her.  He didn’t listen.  Shortly after their daughter was born, his mom got very ill and had to be put into a nursing home.  My guy would go see her every day right after work.  His wife refused to go and refused to allow him to bring their daughter.  She agreed to bring the child to the nursing home when it was clear that grandma didn’t have long to live, however, she wouldn’t to to her room and she wouldn’t let him bring the daughter to grandma’s room.  Grandma had to be put in a wheelchair and brought down to the lobby, where she was allowed 5 minutes to see a granddaughter that she had only seen a few times previously.

As for sex…that stopped once the baby was born.  My man’s wife told him that she no longer had any sexual urge, yet she wouldn’t do anything to “fix” it.  Not only did she not want sex, she stopped wanting any physical contact, including hugs and kisses.  If he came up behind her and kissed her neck, she would push him away and tell him not to do that in front of the baby.  He got tired of being shot down, so he eventually stopped touching her.

As his daughter got to be around school age, he realized that the school system in the town they were in wasn’t very good, so he bought a house about an hour away.  He wanted his daughter to have a yard to play in and a school where she could actually learn without worrying about all the fights that were going on in his old school district.  By this time, he and I were already a couple.  Did it upset me that he was buying a house for his wife?  Absolutely!!!!   In fact, I almost ended it when he told me they were moving.

Almost ended it.  What I did instead was ask him if there was any chance that he and his wife could work things out.  He told me that a few years earlier, before me, he tried to spice things up by buying his wife some lingerie.  She wouldn’t wear it, but she told him that if he ever got her a house, she would wear it and give him a night to remember.  I suggested that he go home and take out that lingerie.  I told him that if he didn’t see me the next day, I would know that it worked and things were going to be all right in the marriage.

The next day, he came to me.  He went home the night before, and laid out the lingerie on the bed while his wife was in the shower.  He then went downstairs to give her time to dry off and get all dolled up.  A half hour later, he went to the bedroom.  She had thrown the lingerie in the trash and put on an old ratty t-shirt.  When he asked why she threw the lingerie away, she told him that she never wanted to see it again and that he should find another room to sleep in because she didn’t want him near her.

I was prepared for the worst.  I never expected him to come to me that next day.  I thought that after a few years of living in a sexless marriage, that part of it would take time, but  I know how loving he is and couldn’t imagine his wife not wanting him to at least hold her.  When he saw me, he just held me for a while and thanked me for trying, but he was never going to have a real marriage again.  In fact, he didn’t think he ever had a real marriage.  Like me, they married for all the wrong reasons.  It  happens.

After that, I stopped feeling those little pangs of guilt about being with a married man.  She threw him away, so he was fair game.

 

How Does Your Married Lover Split Valentine’s Day?

Today is Valentine’s Day.  My man’s daughter had already told him that he needed to get home right after work because she had a surprise for him, so I made plans to work all day, then make myself some poached salmon for dinner.  After that, I was going to get to bed early for a change.  Didn’t happen.

My man calls me every morning at 5:30 when he’s on his way to work.  Sometimes I’m awake because I’ve been working all night, but sometimes I talk to him when I’m half asleep.  Today was one of the latter days.   I got to sleep around 1 AM, so at 5:30, I still wasn’t ready to be awake.  He was annoying the hell out of me…asking me if I walked the dogs yet.  Telling me to get up and walk the dogs.  I finally dragged my tired ass out of bed, got into some sweats and got the leashes on.  I got outside and there was my guy!  He took the day off so he could spend the day with me, yet still be home after work to spend time with his daughter.

He brought me chocolate covered strawberries and a card.  Once the dogs were walked and I got into some real clothes, we went to breakfast.  After that, he fixed my washer, then we took a nap.  The poor guy works so hard and he hardly ever gets a chance to just relax and do nothing, so that’s what we did for a couple of hours.  We were all napped out, so we went out for lunch.  We hung out for a bit, then he left for home and his daughter.  All in all, it was a good day.

This was totally unexpected.  I don’t really do Hallmark holidays, so this was something different for me.  It was a nice different, though.

I may not have worked all day and I didn’t have my poached salmon, but I can STILL get my ass to bed early!!!!  Happy Valentine’s Day, all!

Why Is He Still Married If He Really Does Love Me?

Lately, I have been asked the same question over and over again:  If he loves you so much, why is your man still married?

What’s the problem?  You talk to your spouse, tell him or her that you no longer want to be married, you discuss child support and/or alimony, you discuss visitation, you hire an attorney and the rest is waiting for the Judge signs the papers, right?  WRONG!

The reality is that there are some spouses who , even though they no longer want their partners, will not make things easy when it comes to divorce.  I have worked for attorneys for years, and I’ve seen a lot.   Custody, visitation and child support could all be agreed on and papers finalized, but visitation is still controlled by the whims of the custodial parent.  True, when visitation is denied, it could be brought back to Court, but that would involve more legal fees each time it goes before the Judge.

I am the perfect ex-wife.  When I got divorced 26 years ago, I made a promise to myself that I would let my kids’ father see them whenever he wanted.  All I asked for was a little bit of notice.  I also promised myself that I would never talk bad about him when the kids were around and could possibly hear.  I figured that if he was as much of an ass as I thought he was, in time, the kids would see it for themselves.   I’ve kept those promises.  At the time, I wasn’t working and was granted temporary alimony for a year.  After 6 months, I got a job, so I told my ex that he didn’t have to pay the alimony any more.   I didn’t want him, so why would I want him to support me?  The only thing I asked for was child support.   Not all women are like me.   There are some who will not want their husbands, but they also don’t want to see those husbands happy in another relationship.   They will fight tooth and nail to try to ruin the men financially.   They will take every opportunity tell the kids how “bad” their father is.   This isn’t fair to the kids and it’s not fair to the dad. 

While my man is still married, he is only supporting one household.  He can see his daughter every day and he is involved in her life.  If he was divorced, he may not be told about school concerts or father/daughter dances or any other event that he should go to.  One day, when he was with me, his daughter called him to ask if he could take her to a fishing contest the next day.  Her mother took the phone from her, said “Your father doesn’t have time for you.” and hung up the phone.   He was furious!  The one thing he’s always done is make time for his daughter.  When he got home, he woke her up to tell her that not only would he take her fishing, but they would also go out for lunch afterwards.  This is while he’s living with his wife.  I’d hate to think what his wife would have said if he wasn’t living there.  I don’t understand why people try to hurt their children like that.

Will I ever demand that he divorce his wife?  No.  That’s not my place.  He needs to do what he feels is right.

Do I wish he wasn’t married?  Of course!  I don’t like seeing (or hearing about) him being put down.

Do I feel that I’m “second best” or “settling” for a part-time relationship?  Not at all.  He’s with me a lot.  We have a good relationship that isn’t all about sex.  He’s my best friend as well as my lover.  We’re more of the married couple than he and his wife are.

Would I recommend dating a married man to anyone?  HELL, NO!!!  Not every other woman sees her man as much as I see mine.  Even though a relationship with a married man can work, it’s hard.  There’s a lot of time alone and there’s a lot of hurt.  Also, how do you know, especially in the beginning, that he’s being honest with you about his marital situation?  After all this time, I’ve learned that my man really is being honest with me, but it took a long time to fully understand that.

I’ve heard some women say, “He told me that he’s filing for divorce next week”.  OK…fine…then wait a week and SHOW ME THE PAPERS!!!!

 

Being in Public with Your Married Lover

Being Out In Public

I don’t know how many “other women” have as much time out with their men as I do, but I’m sure some do.  My man and I go out a lot.  Some weeks, we go out to dinner at least 4 times.  Besides going out for dinner, we stop at the local DD for coffee just about every day.  The people we see in our every day lives think we’re married.  It’s kind of crazy, but we have this interesting kind of vibe that people find amusing.   There was a guy standing in line in front of us at DD the other day and before he left, he turned to us and said, “I love seeing you guys in here….you always make me smile!  Just looking at you both, and the way you joke around with each other, I could tell that you’ve been married a long time.”  Uh, huh.

We get that a lot from people we see often.  Waiters, waitresses, cashiers….they always ask us how long we’ve been married.  Earlier today, I told my guy that just once, when someone asks if we’re married, I want to say, “I’m not married, but HE is….”.  I wonder what kind of reaction we would get.  Could be interesting!

We definitely don’t try to hide.  Of course, it helps that his wife is at home about an hour away from where I live.  Whether we’re at home (my house) or out somewhere, we are always ourselves.  We’re actually kids in adult bodies.  We play around alot.  He’ll pull my hair like a kindergartener and when he’s not looking, I’ll whip my braid around and smack him with it.  We joke around with each other about really dumb things and we both LOVE to people watch!!!  If I see someone strange, all I have to do is gently nudge him or subtly lean into him, and he knows exactly who I’m looking at.

When he got out of work today, he came to get me and we went to the recycling center.  His town doesn’t have one, so he brings all his stuff to my town once a month or so.  He had two bags full of newspapers, one big, one small.  I figured I’d get them into the bin while he was getting rid of bottles, so, there I was, trying to carry these two bags.  He came up behind me and said, “Let me help you with that…” and grabbed the smaller bag.  I just shook my head, started laughing and called him a “dick”.   Two older men who were walking past us just started cracking up.  One of them said, “That’s the way to do it.” and the other one looked at me and said, “He may be a dick, but I could tell you love him anyway.”  (BTW…he’s not really a dick.)  Anyway…like I said….people find us approachable, I guess.

Over the weekend, we have been invited to go bowling with his aunts and cousins.  It’s a family tradition of 50 years to take one of the cousins bowling for her birthday.  It started when she was 7 and continues now that she’s 57.  He can’t bowl because of an old shoulder injury, but he’ll watch us all and keep score.  We’ll be going to a local bowling alley where he knows most of the people who hang out there.  Obviously, he doesn’t care who sees him with me.

All of this is what he doesn’t have with his wife.  I know this not because it’s what he tells me, but it’s what his family and friends tell me.  I feel bad that his daughter can’t see us together.  What she sees at home are two people who barely talk and who only interact when they have to.  If they all go shopping together, he walks ahead with his daughter.  His wife doesn’t really talk to either of them when they’re out in public.  It’s really sad, when you think about it.  I feel that a child should see his or her parents laughing with each other and playing every now and then.

Even though we go out all the time, we’re not stupid about it.  We aren’t about to go somewhere that his wife’s family or friends would be at.  That would just cause his wife a lot of humiliation and hurt (even though she pretty much threw him away, nobody wants to see someone you are or were dating or married to having fun with someone else).  We’re not cruel.  We will not throw our happiness in his wife’s face. We will continue on as we are right now.  It’s not all fun and games, we have our fights.  In fact, right now, I don’t like him very much, but I like him more than I did earlier in the week.

I guess it all depends on what the man’s (or woman’s) marriage is like.  My man’s wife doesn’t care that he’s not home, which gives us the chance to be together all the time.  Going out with a married lover is possible.  It just needs to be done so no one is being hurt.

Holiday Time with Your Married Man

The holidays are here.   This time of year can be very challenging when you’re in a relationship with a married man.  This is especially true if there are young children involved.

When your married lover has young kids, don’t expect to see him on holidays.   Thanksgiving, Christmas, Chanukah, Halloween, even New Year’s Eve and Day, Valentine’s Day, Easter and any other “family days” all belong to his child.  Actually, I think I’d worry about my man’s character if he DIDN’T want to spend these days with his child.  Think about it.  If a man is willing to ditch his kid on Christmas, what will he do to you???  Even if he is with you on Mother’s Day, if he can disrespect the mother of his child by being with you, how can you expect him to respect YOU?

Today is Christmas Eve.  My guy’s daughter is in a Christmas pageant at their church.  All the CCD kids need to participate, and he will be there supporting her.  Tomorrow, he will spend the day with his daughter and since she is off from school until after the new year, he took the week off from work to stay home to watch her.  He has vacation time, his wife doesn’t, so he does this every year.

Now, how do I handle all this?  Well, we made our own “holidays”.   Yesterday was kind of like “Festivus” (thank you George Costanza!!!).  The other night, we went food shopping and we bought the makings for Friday night dinner.  What I didn’t know is that he was planning on surprising me by taking off from work and spending the entire day with me.  He called me at 5:30 as usual, but at 6:00, he was already hanging up the phone (normally, we talk until 6:45 or so).  The next thing I knew, my dogs were barking like crazy and he was coming in.  That’s when I surprised him:  I told him that I had afternoon plans with friends to play miniature golf!  He understood completely since he knows I wouldn’t blow off my friends at the last minute.

So, after sleeping in, we went out for breakfast and some last minute shopping, I went with my friends, then when I got home, we started making our dinner.  We work really well together in the kitchen.  After pigging out on prime rib, garlic mashed purple potatoes and fresh string beans with slivered almonds, we  just hung out watching a movie.  I love “holidays” like that!  No pressure….nothing to do but enjoy the day.

I will see my man during the week when his wife is home to be with their daughter.  I’ve been told that we have “things” to do.  A few of his cousins have invited us over to spend some time with them, so we’re going to make the rounds.  Then, next Friday, we’ll have OUR New Year’s Eve.

When you think about it, making your own holidays is perfect!  There are no crowds to deal with (unless you forget there’s a “real” holiday and try to hit a mall!), no limited menus if you plan on going out for a nice dinner and no inflated prices.  Tradition is what you make together.  Our tradition is just hanging out.  You may say that we do that all the time, but when I make a regular weekly dinner, I don’t usually make something like prime rib.  Also, we normally don’t have the entire evening devoted only to each other.

Yeah, there are trade-offs, but if you love each other, you make it work.  Next year, though, I’m sure that if he’s going to take a day off to be with me, he’ll tell me about it well in advance!

 

Is it an Affair or a Relationship?

The other night, I was talking to a friend and, in her infinite wisdom, reminded me that there IS a difference between an affair and a relationship.

An affair is a fling.  There isn’t any commitment involved.  The husband (or wife) is bored with the marriage.  Maybe having a child put a strain in the relationship.  A man will sometimes feel like he lost the woman he fell in love with.  It’s natural…babies are needy and can’t do things for themselves.  His wife spends hours on end with the new baby and it’s easy for her to forget that the grown man she married needs some attention too.   So what does he do?  He maybe meets someone who makes him feel important.  That progresses to them having sex.  The husband feels guilty about this because, really, his wife hasn’t done anything “wrong”…she just stopped being the sexy, fun-loving person he fell in love with.   The guilt gets to be too much or it gets harder and harder to get away, so eventually, the affair fizzles out.  In other words, an affair is generally a short term fix that is mostly kept hidden from everyone.  Once his wife finds out about the affair or she starts being her old self again, the affair is over.

Before I continue, let me just say that I know having a baby is exhausting!  I’ve been through it.  It’s hard to feel sexy and free spirited when you can’t keep your eyes open!  Is an exhausted wife any reason for a man to run to someone else?  No.  If a man feels deprived of attention, he needs to have a conversation with his significant other to let her know how he feels.  Then, maybe, they can come up with a solution to the problem other than him finding another woman to make him feel wanted.

That being said, I have also seen some women use a new baby as an “excuse” to no longer have sex.   How many times can a man hear “I’m SOOOOO tired”, or “We’ll wake the baby”?  Babies sleep.  After a few weeks of having the baby home, a routine is established.  Babies sleep and that should be the time for Mommy to catch a nap too!  Seriously…ask your husband what he would prefer;  no dirty dishes in the sink or a rested, happy wife?  For the record, HE can do some housework too.

OK, so, it happens.  He has an affair.  Time goes on and nothing changes at home.  He sees more and more of his other woman.  Then, one day he realizes that he has more feelings for his girlfriend than he does for his wife.  He leaves the house earlier in the morning so he could stop at his girlfriend’s house to have breakfast, or just a cup of coffee.  He stops by after work and they either go out to dinner or they stay in and cook.  He spends more time at his girlfriend’s house and finds that he’s much happier.  They go out together, they see friends and family, they don’t hide the fact that they’re seeing each other.   This affair has now turned into a relationship.

An affair usually means sex and take out.  A relationship means sharing lives.  I know exactly when the affair with my man turned into a relationship.  It was about six years ago and I was in Florida visiting my son.  I was at the pool one day and was talking to a few people about restaurants.  The only male there was telling us about his favorite restaurant, but he didn’t like going there alone.  Since his wife and son weren’t with him on that particular trip, he asked me if I wanted to go with him.  I knew he was “safe”, so I agreed.  We went to the restaurant the next night and had a great time.  He introduced me to steak tartare and crepe Suzettes.  We talked, we took a walk around the financial district since I had never been there and we were home before midnight.  We then sat by the pool with a few other people sharing a bottle of wine.

I had always been open with my man, so he knew that I was going out with this friend.  However, I guess it made him think that if I could go out with this guy, what was to stop me from actually dating?  My birthday was a week after I got home from that trip.  When he came over after work, he had a gorgeous necklace for me.  It was a heart within a heart and it had a diamond in the middle.  Then, he told me that we were going out for dinner.  We joked about that being our “first date”.  We went to my favorite steak house and over dinner he was so romantic it was sappy!  He said that he realized that we had been together for a few years and that technically this was our first official date, but that it was just the beginning.  Then he started talking about the necklace and that when he saw it he was reminded of us and that it symbolized his heart protecting my heart.  I looked at him and said, “You know…that’s all fine and dandy and very sweet, but, since this is our first date, you won’t be getting laid.”   That was the beginning.  We have a real date night at least once a week.

Our relationship has progressed from that one night a week to him being here every night.  He helps around the house, he watches my pets when I go away, we go food shopping and cook together, we walk together, we go visiting.  We hang out and watch movies (well, he watches the movie and I usually fall asleep!).  People accept us as a couple.  When people tell me there is no commitment here, I have to laugh.  He may not be supporting me financially, but I have his emotional support and love.  I’m happy with that.