Tag Archive | cheating

How NOT to Get Caught

BookcoverA while ago, I wrote a post about an idea I had to write a book on how not to get caught when you’re having an affair.  Well….I did it and it’s finally finished!

I thought long and hard about whether or not I should write this book, then  decided that it needed to be written.

Getting caught hurts EVERYONE!  It hurts the married lover, it hurts the spouse, it hurts the kids and it hurts the one in the relationship with the married lover.    Because affairs happen for different reasons, everyone involved hurts for different reasons.  This is why getting caught is not something you want to happen.

The book can be purchased by clicking on the link to the right of the posts.   There is a lot of good, useful information in it that could come in very handy.  I’m sure you’ll like it!

 

 

Add “Bat-Shit Crazy” to My List of Titles!

************, you are so utterly deluded, I find myself literally lol’ing at what you have to write. :)

Now I have gone from being a “very delusional person” to “utterly deluded”.   Again…at least I still have the power to make someone laugh.  :-D

And we’re not done yet!!!!!  Here we are on April 10 at 6:33 PM

You say: At 10, she should be able to understand that she would probably see her dad more if he wasn’t living with her.

This makes no damn sense!

Followed by this: I miss not knowing his daughter. When I go on vacation, I always make it a point to bring something home for her.

You have FAILED in your effort to replace his wife. Now you want to replace the wife as MOTHER of her own child?!?

You can deny that all you like, as you didn’t actually type out the words. I’ve read your entire blog. The fact that you desperately WANT to replace his wife, but have continuously failed for the last 11 years comes through loud and clear.

I’m sure that WH gives your gifts to his child. You really are in denial, OW.

There is absolutely NO universe in which his daughter is going to accept you. The fact that you are trying to buy her speaks to your level of desperation.

The only hope you ever have of getting WH is if his W finds out, kicks his rump to the curb and divorces. He might then settle for you. Or not.

So, you can’t see how not living in the home my MM’s daughter will probably see him more?  Let me explain:

He is with me right after work and gets home when his daughter is in bed.  He says a quick “good night” to her, then it’s time for him to get to sleep because he has to be up at 5:00 AM to get to work.  He works all day Saturday, then he’s with me until 1:00 or 2:00 AM.  During the summer season, we work together most Sundays at our weekend job. 

If he was living with me, he would be able to get his daughter after work and take her for dinner a few times a week.  That’s more than what she’s getting now.  She would also be able to go to our jobs on Sundays and maybe help out.  More time to spend with Dad.  I don’t have to work these jobs, so I could stick with her to make sure she’s totally safe.  Does that make me want to replace her mother, or just play “babysitter” for a day?

You seem to be under the impression that I am trying to “replace” his wife, but that isn’t the case.  I’m quite content with the relationship as it is.  Yes, I would like to know his daughter, but that’s not possible right now and I don’t know if that will ever be possible.  Even if  my MM and I end up living together at some point, I will not want to be a “replacement mother”.  She has a mother and that will never change.  I’m not about to take someone’s child away from them.  Goddess knows that I raised my two boys and I don’t want to raise someone else’s child.  That doesn’t mean that I can’t care about her well-being or wouldn’t be there if she needs another ear to listen if she has a problem.  I would care for her as I care for the younger children of my friends.  I also would never try to turn her away from her mother (because that is what you seem to be implying). 

I don’t know where you get that I want to replace his child’s mother because I bring her something back when I go on vacation.  You say that I’m showing desperation by trying to “buy” her.  By “bringing something back” I mean that I’ll bring her a pretty shell that I find, or a key-chain or one year, I brought a small vial filled with sand from my beach with tiny shells mixed in.  I doubt very much any of these things would “buy” a child’s love and acceptance.  His daughter knows me as a friend of her father’s and the “mother” of my two fur-babies that he brings home when I’m on vacation (my condo association doesn’t allow pets) and I’m the one who watches HER pets when they are away.  So, yes, he does bring his daughter the stupid little things I bring back for her.

I refuse to go over the same dead horse over and over again about how his daughter will not accept me….EVER.  I have said that my MM (WTF is “WH”?!??!?) and I have discussed this subject.  The longer the lie goes on, the less chance there will be of being accepted as even just a friend, nevermind her father’s girlfriend.  

I have not FAILED to take my MM’s wife’s place.  I never tried to take her place.  Yes, this relationship has been going on for 11 years, but I’m not looking to be anyone’s wife.  This would be the case even if I was seeing a single man.  I was a wife…been there, done that, got the divorce.  I don’t need to be married.  

Now I need to point out that you are taking my situation and comparing it to yours.  You are obviously still bitter about your husband’s affair.  I don’t know if the wound is still fresh or if you’re letting the bitterness grow and fester instead of moving on with your life.  Just by your many comments to me, I can see that you can’t let go of this hurt (that also shows in your email address, which I will not make public here).

Maybe you were a wonderful wife who doted on her husband.  Maybe you had no idea that he was cheating on you until it came up to bite you in the face.  That sucks…and I don’t mean that sarcastically.  It really and truly sucks.  But, I can tell you that my MM is NOT like your husband.  He married someone who stopped loving him.  Their lives took different turns, but for reasons of their own, they will stay together, but live separate lives unless there is something they must do together for their daughter. 

I hope that you are able to let go of the hurt, because if you can’t your life will continue to be miserable. 

This person obviously doesn’t agree with my relationship with a MM, yet she kept reading and responding.  She is a prime example of those who cannot accept that sometimes, life throws us curve balls.  I never thought that I would be in a relationship with a married man….NEVER!  But, never say never.

For The First Mrs and those who feel the same as she, I need to again say that most OW did not set out to look for relationships with married men.  Marriages fail and affairs happen.  Some are one-night stands while others, like mine, are long-term.

Personally, I don’t agree with women who actually DO look to meet married men.  I don’t understand actually searching for this kind of life, but, it happens.  I suspect that many of these women aren’t in it for anything long-term, they are just enjoying the moment.  Is an affair all the fault of the other woman, no matter what the circumstances?  No….absolutely not.  But, the OW  gets all the blame.  SHE is the “home-wrecking whore”.  What about the men who allowed the affair to happen knowing that they are married (at times to great women who do nothing but love them and want to make good homes for them)?  They never seem to get blamed for this.  It’s always “Boys will be boys” or “Men weren’t made to be monogamous”.

I’ve said it before and it’s worth repeating:  A man who is happy in his marriage will not cheat!  He may look, but he won’t touch because he respects and loves his wife.  “But, honey, I was drunk” doesn’t fly as an excuse.  A happily married man who has a great wife should know his limits and to not put himself in the position to be “seduced” by another woman.   But, a one-night stand with a stranger is one thing; a long-term relationship that is both emotional and intimate  is another.  That means there is REAL trouble in the marriage.

No affair is the same.  They happen for many reasons.  Black and white don’t apply to this topic.  Don’t try to make them apply.

 

 

 

 

The Other Woman’s Port in a (Post-)Storm

Hello Everyone!!!

I’ll be down for a bit because of Hurricane Sandy. Stuck without power. I’m sitting in the library now, charging all my stuff, but would you believe the library has no Internet???? Thank goodness I got a “rocket” so I can connect while traveling! I’m the only one here on line. People hate me! LOL!

My guy is working 7 days a week, 12 hour shifts, so our contact is limited to phone during commutes. Good thing I have my Kindle Fire to occupy the time at night. Charging it now for later, so life is good.

I hope everyone is safe and warm. Will post soon!

The Delusional Other Woman?

It’s been a long, busy summer for me.  This is pretty much the first time I’ve had a chance to sit down and post.  Sorry!

I have been reading all the comments sent to me, and I’m glad that there are some married men commenting.   It’s nice to get some feedback from these guys, but from some of the comments, I really don’t think they grasp that not all men in an extra-marital relationship are the same (even though some commented on the post “Are All Cheating Husbands the Same?”).

I, for one, am not delusional when it comes to my relationship.   I know that even though his wife must know about me, yet hasn’t yet confronted him, that could change at any time.  I have never been told by my MM that his wife has no clue.  I guess his home life is run like the military; don’t ask, don’t tell.   Yes, I believe she does know because I can’t see how she DOESN’T know, but I will not encourage him or anyone else to throw our relationship at her.   She obviously likes living in her cocoon, safe from having to live on her own.

I received a few comments from a Former MM.  I’d just like to address some of the things he said.  While I agree with some, I do not agree with others.  He seems to lump all men having relationships with other women in the same category.

Former MM says (His comments are in bold, my responses are next to his, but in italics):

Unless the MM is suffering from some mental issues, he will exhibit some very classic traits that when viewed all together.. will likely have the wifes gut screaming.. Even if she has no concrete proof of an affair.. She will eventually know something Is up

1. Phone never leaves the side. Password protects everything  (his phone is with him at all times.  His job requires it.)
2. closes computer window when wife comes in room  (he absolutely HATES computers!)
3. Reduction in intimacy    (his wife rejected him time and time again.  This is what eventually made him turn to me.)
4. Will be snippy to downright snarly with her and kids  (can’t say.  I’m not in the home, though I know she is “snarly” with him.  I never heard him talk snippy to his child)
5. Goes out and is unaccounted for or unreachable for hours  (he’s reachable by phone always.  Even when he’s with me)
6. Changes appearance  (didn’t happen.  Neither of us thought to even ask the other to change anything)
7. More grooming. Manscaping becomes a thing.  (Ew.  No way)

While this may be true for some, it’s not true for others.  (Good…some acknowledgement here)

Affairs never happen in a vacuum. Emotional states will shift, and patterns of behavior will change. While I did eventually confess to my wife, she had been on to me for months. She just didn’t have any proof… yet.

Just because your MM says their wife is completely unaware.. don’t believe it.  (I have never been told she doesn’t know)

Another comment went on to say:

Actually.. I think the overwhelming majority of MM in affairs are basically the same. I guess that was my point. Save for a few minor details someones MM is not that special snowflake. The ugly truth is that they almost all behave in a similar manner. I have seen how myself and others have acted and there are a lot of very stark similarities.

The common lies.
Staying for the kids  (This happens more times than a lot of people realize.  It’s not right, IMO, but it’s what the MM needs to do if he feels it’s right  for the child)
Spark out of the marriage.. its over.  (It happens.  In this case, he tried to make things work when his wife first told him she didn’t want to be touched in any way)
Sexless.. no intimacy.  (Again…this happens more times than is realized)
Separate rooms/beds  (My guy has his own room)
My spouse is cheating on me.  (Not something I was ever told)
I’ll be filing for divorce once we’re in a better place financially.  (Another thing I was never told)

Some of these points may actually be true. But they are still excuses. If life were really that bad.. they would get the divorce.   (Not really.  I’ve seen what some people do to drag out a divorce just so more money is spent.  The only ones winning are the attorneys)  The fear of remaining in an unhappy marriage has to surpass the fear of the unknown of the divorce.  (It’s not fear of the unknown.  It’s fear of his child being taken away, emotionally if not physically) Many of those points were true for me.. but while I wasn’t particularly happy.. it wasn’t terrible  (That’s your case, not all)

Your man stays with his wife because he wants to. Not because I know him, but because I know human nature. People always behave in a manner consistent with their desires. There are options. Uncomfortable and sometimes downright painful options but they are there. He has you convinced its all about his daughter, THAT is the point I don’t buy.  (And you have every right not to buy it.  However, I know this is the truth.  He’s there for her.)

Your “Man”’s daughter is in her teens. Sure, his wife could be a major pain in the backside, but denying visitation? Not bloody likely. Not at this age. There are just too many ways to communicate and facilitate meetings.   (You are forgetting one important  point:  how does a man stop his ex-wife/wife from brainwashing the child against him?  Are you so naive as to think this doesn’t happen?)  Yes.. I have seen enough claims of abuse being made, but the courts are not blind to the context. The burden of proof would be on her. And do you think the daughter would back those claims up?  (No one said anything about abuse.  But the mother has poisoned the child’s mind against his family.  I have no doubt she will do the same with him.  I’ve heard some comments the wife has made to the child about him and it’s not pretty.)

There were some other statements made that can be read in the comments section.  I just find no need to kick a dead horse by giving responses again….

I did see you mention in another post that you don’t think he’s cheating on you. But truly.. what do you think that the odds are.. that within the last 10 years or so.. that he hasn’t had sex with his wife? Yeah.. no desire for intimacy,.. I heard that part. Month? Sure. 6 months? umm.. ok. Year? Yeah.. not buying it. I have seen some pretty combative, toxic and seemingly indifferent relationships where sex was still happening. Bottom line.. I still think he’s having sex with her. I’ll buy not very often, but in 10 years? Ill stick with the odds on that one.  (Here is what leads me to believe Former MM hasn’t read all of my posts.  It’s not my guy who stopped having sex with his wife; SHE no longer wants to be touched.  It happens.  Some women go through the motions of liking sex, but they don’t.  They will use any excuse not to do it.  I know when I knew my marriage was over, every night, I would “fall asleep” on the couch knowing that my husband wouldn’t bother to wake me to come to bed.  You can believe what you will, but I know in my heart that he’s not cheating on me with his wife or anyone else.  We have discussed this, and he did confirm that in the beginning, when our relationship was just an affair, she would consent to sex once in a while.  It got to be too much of a chore to even ask, so after about 6 months or so, he stopped asking and she never offered.)

Regardless.. I don’t see how you would give people help on being the OW, when even in this outlier of affairs that you claim to be in, its hardly an ideal relationship. We all go into any relationship knowing.. that one day it may end. If we are truly happy.. we would like that it wouldn’t.. but that is the reality of a relationship. However, most of us aren’t in a relationship where the Sword of Damocles is so prominently positioned above their head. Hardly something to strive for.  (Any relationship could end at any time.  Does that mean we should never try?  At any given moment, life could step in and give us all a blow.  Not  perfect?  No.  But what relationship is perfect?  Anyone thinking this is the delusional one.)

My OW used to say.. and I believed her.. that the most painful thing for her was when I left her to go home. It sparked many a row between us. Why she settled for me in the relationship we had is beyond my comprehension. Similarly.. why you settle for this is equally beyond my comprehension.   (In the beginning, I used to feel lonely when he left.  Now, I find that I have just as full of a life when he’s not with me.  I meet with friends at least once a month for girls’ night.  In fact, some of these friends will be coming with me on vacation soon.  Do I miss him when I’m away?  Not really.  After all, he calls me every day.  This is my time to do things that I don’t do with my guy.  Nothing wrong with that.   Besides, I really do like my alone time.  I don’t feel that I’m settling for anything.)

So, even though this Former MM feels that I’m settling and being cheated on, I know he’s wrong.  That may have been true with his OW, but I know my situation is different.  EVERY situation is different.  I am luckier than most OW because I have a lot of time with my MM.   also have a lot of time alone.  I’m happy with it either way.

Can A Wife Stop Her Husband From Cheating?

If he's not happy, he could stray

I have been “accused” of being a home-wrecker and of using my blog to condone cheating. I was recently asked why I never try to “help” wives keep their husbands from cheating. Well, I believe I have given the wives out there some tips in earlier posts, but, I’m going to do it again.

I will never encourage anyone to go out looking for a married man to “tempt” away from his wife. Other women come in all varieties. Some of us are wives, some are divorced wives of cheating husbands, some are single. We all have one thing in common: we never set out to “seduce” a married man. First of all, I couldn’t seduce anyone if I tried. Sexy is definitely a word I would never use to describe me. So…how did I end up as the other woman? The answer is simple: I made him feel important. My man’s wife left him emotionally. After she had her baby, she no longer wanted him. When he and I first started talking after not seeing each other for years, I didn’t know he was married. An affair was not on his mind and it certainly wasn’t on MY mind.

I’m not making excuses. We spent a lot of time talking and I just assumed that he was single because of some of the things we talked about. He never mentioned a wife, or a child in the beginning. Looking back, I should have asked more questions, but hindsight is 20/20. I had my suspicions, but I didn’t want to believe it. After all, this is a good man who would never hurt anyone who loved him and who was good to him. He always went out of his way to help friends, family and me. By the time I found out for sure that he was actually married, I was hooked.

So…what can a couple do to get out of the rut of marriage and family? I think one of the most important things is to make each other feel special. I realize that sometimes, it’s hard. After all, we’re living in a time where it’s necessary for both partners to work outside of the home. Working, cooking, cleaning, taking care of a child or children all take a toll on a marriage. It’s easy for the couple to forget what drew them to each other in the first place. Before they know it, they have grown apart.

From the beginning of a marriage, the couple needs to stay connected. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean that the romance has to stop. At least once a week, have a date night. If you don’t have the time (or a babysitter) to go out, one of you could grab some take-out. The first one home could stop at the florist or grocery store and pick up some flowers (I’m sure someone gave them a vase as a wedding or shower gift!) and set the table (don’t forget the candles). If you have children, put them to bed early and sit down to a nice dinner. Talk to each other. Don’t talk about the kids for this one night. As a couple only talks about the kids, they find that the kids are all they CAN talk about. Talk about your likes and dislikes, talk about a book you read or a movie you saw (or want to see). Talk about a funny incident that happened at work, or something unusual you saw on your commute or when you went out to lunch. Once you start, I’m sure you could find a lot to talk about.

I know what you’re thinking: put the kids to bed EARLY?!?!?!? Yes. It can be done. Even newborns have a schedule. It may be trickier, but each parent knows their child and when they sleep. If a date night is planned every week from the beginning of a marriage and when a new baby is brought home, children will know to stay in their beds (or at least their rooms) when the parents say it’s bedtime. Trust me; I was a divorced mother of 2 boys under the age of 6. When I got home from work, I spent time with my kids, but I was tired!!!! They knew that bedtime was “stay in your room and be quiet so mommy can rest” time!

Every now and then, try something new. Get a sitter for a day and do something the wife wants to do. I’m not saying to torture your poor husband by a day of shopping in a mall, but I’m pretty sure he can live through a chick-flick. He might even enjoy going to a museum or a flea market. Be creative. When it’s the husband’s turn, maybe find a classic car show or a ball game (even I can stand to go to a ball game. It’s more fun at the stadium than watching it on TV). If you can’t get a sitter, take the kids. By going out to new places together, it will give you something to talk about on date night!

Now…for new parents. I know you’re exhausted! My first son was 22 months old when my second one was born. My husband did zero, zip, zilch, NOTHING to help out. Never changed a diaper or gave them a bath or fed them (OK…I breast-fed for the first year, but I always had a supply in the fridge he could have given them). I was a stay at home mom until my divorce when the boys were 2 and 4. Before that, I knew when the kids napped, so I napped. This way, I was “human” enough to cook dinner and spend some time with my husband. Bottom line: babies sleep! Take advantage of it. If both parents work, then maybe the husband could give his wife a couple of hours to herself a day or two a week. Give her time to go out with friends or just take a nap. She’ll be forever grateful! In the same respect, the wife needs to let her husband have a night out with the boys if he wants. Just remember…BOTH OF YOU…that a night out doesn’t mean getting stupid-drunk and flirting with anything that moves. It means going out, have a drink or two and connect with friends.

No matter how tired you are, always take the time to hug. Sometimes, it’s too tiring to even think of sex, but how much effort does  cuddling take?  Sit next to each other on the couch while watching TV. Put your head on your husband’s (or wife’s) lap. Don’t worry about what the kids will think. They’ll grow up knowing what a loving couple should be like. When leaving the house for work, always remember to kiss each other good-bye and when you get home, kiss each other hello.

I know it’s cliche, but don’t go to bed angry. If you’re annoyed with each other, talk it out. We can’t agree with each other all the time, but we can agree to disagree. We are only human and as such, we’re imperfect creatures. When two people live together, they’re bound to piss each other off every now and then!

Surprise each other with little love notes or cards or small, inexpensive gifts. Treat your spouse to a bubble bath and put on something sexy. Above all, always remember to say “I love you” to each other at least once a day. Use your imagination! If you keep your spouse happy at home he (or she because we all know that wives cheat too) will not want to look elsewhere for affection.

Remember why you fell in love to begin with

Are All Cheating Husbands The Same?

I hear from a lot of wives who try to tell me and my readers that what their husbands did to their “OW” is what is happening to us. I also have comments from former “OW” who feel that their experience will also be our experiences. It seems that no one is understanding that not all relationships with married men are the same.

I fully acknowledge that there are some guys out there who don’t care what lies they tell as long as it gets them laid. There are also women out there who are more then willing to believe these lies, whether they are the wife or the mistress. I would think that this type of man would get what he wants, then move on to the next “conquest”. I would also think that this type of man wouldn’t last long with a mistress if there were some weeks that were “sexless”.

I think what we, as OW, need to remember is that we are not the wives. I’m in my relationship around 10 years now and even though we have a strong bond, I know that things could change and I could be gone from his life. Even though I’m sure that his wife knows he’s seeing someone, I feel that if someone went to her to tell her they saw the two of us together, she would give him an ultimatum. He would then be forced to choose between me and seeing his daughter. He would, of course, choose his daughter. I’ve been prepared for this. I have to be. If I become too comfortable in this relationship and feel that there’s no way he could ever leave me, I will be open for a whole lot of added hurt if he does. Maybe this sounds pessimistic, but it’s not; it’s realistic.

Relationships of any kind sometimes don’t last. Best friends from childhood grow apart. Friends from high school go to college, find jobs and move away. College roommates move on. Males and females will have a few significant others before they find “the one”, and sometimes even “the one” turns out to be only temporary. It’s a fact of life. Being the other woman is a totally different situation. Not only do we have to worry about our men growing away from us, we also have to think about what happens if the wife finds out. Preparing for the worst is just a matter of emotional survival.

There are many women who, when in a relationship, will stop seeing their friends. This is especially true for women in relationships with married men. Sometimes, the friends don’t agree with the relationship, but rather than agree to disagree, the OW will simply end the friendships. Sometimes, it’s not a matter of friends agreeing or disagreeing; it’s a matter of wanting to be available when their married lover calls. None of this is right. When you choose to end friendships, you’ll be spending way too many nights alone. Everyone needs time to be with friends. We all need to cut loose every now and then; have a few drinks, see a movie, go to dinner. They’re a good support system when we’re happy, and even better when we’re miserable.

If you are always available to your man, whether he’s married or not, he will come to expect you to always be there. Don’t be afraid to make plans. A few times of being unavailable will let the man know that he either needs to make plans with you in advance or realize that he’ll be spending the night alone. One thing ANY woman should look out for in a man is if they ask her to choose him over her friends. This isn’t a love issue…it’s a control issue. Run.

Yes, there are men out there who have loving wives waiting for them at home. They tell their wives that they’re working late, or going away on business trips. Their wives don’t question them because they buy them gifts and are very attentive when they’re home. These men feel that they need a little “variety”, and it’s not hurting anyone as long as he’s not caught. He’s living a lie and it doesn’t bother him one bit.

In my case, my man married for all the wrong reasons. He worked in a bar and she was a “bartender groupie”. She went to the bar every weekend, they got to talking and then started partying together. Since he worked all the time, she came over one night and didn’t leave. After a while, they realized that they wanted to start a family, but she needed to be married to do that (which is understandable). They got married, she got pregnant. The partying stopped. Once the party was over, they both realized that the partying was all they really had in common. When the baby was born, she became over-protective to the point that he wasn’t “allowed” to do anything for the baby except go out to buy diapers and formula. To this day, he isn’t “allowed” to bring his daughter anywhere alone. His wife claims he’s a “dangerous” driver, even though he’s never had a traffic violation. I’m used to driving, so I’m kind of a control freak in a car, but I feel perfectly safe when he’s driving.

My married lover isn’t some scumbag just out to get laid. He’s been with me when I’ve been overweight, when I’ve been underweight, working, unemployed, happy or miserable, sick or well….we’ve been through it all. He’s with me when I need him. We are more of a “married couple” than many married couples that we know.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that no one should judge anyone else’s relationship. What happens to one may never happen to another. But then, if you are the other woman, just prepare yourself for anything.

How Not to Get Caught

I would never  advise someone to go out and purposely find a married man to start a relationship with.  That being said, this is real life and sometimes, things happen.

When you’re with a married man, there is always a chance that you’re going to get caught, and getting caught brings on unnecessary hurt to the spouse.  This hurt extends to any children that the couple may have.  No matter what the situation is at home, no woman wants her husband’s affair made public.  Maybe friends and family aren’t aware that there’s trouble in the marriage.  If her husband gets caught in an affair, it may force an action that the wife isn’t ready, or willing, to make.

I’m in the process of writing a book on how not to get caught.  Before I finalize it,  I was wondering if any of you out there have specific scenarios you would like to see covered in it.  If you have any ideas, just send over a comment!

Thanks!!!!

Why Is He Still Married If He Really Does Love Me?

Lately, I have been asked the same question over and over again:  If he loves you so much, why is your man still married?

What’s the problem?  You talk to your spouse, tell him or her that you no longer want to be married, you discuss child support and/or alimony, you discuss visitation, you hire an attorney and the rest is waiting for the Judge signs the papers, right?  WRONG!

The reality is that there are some spouses who , even though they no longer want their partners, will not make things easy when it comes to divorce.  I have worked for attorneys for years, and I’ve seen a lot.   Custody, visitation and child support could all be agreed on and papers finalized, but visitation is still controlled by the whims of the custodial parent.  True, when visitation is denied, it could be brought back to Court, but that would involve more legal fees each time it goes before the Judge.

I am the perfect ex-wife.  When I got divorced 26 years ago, I made a promise to myself that I would let my kids’ father see them whenever he wanted.  All I asked for was a little bit of notice.  I also promised myself that I would never talk bad about him when the kids were around and could possibly hear.  I figured that if he was as much of an ass as I thought he was, in time, the kids would see it for themselves.   I’ve kept those promises.  At the time, I wasn’t working and was granted temporary alimony for a year.  After 6 months, I got a job, so I told my ex that he didn’t have to pay the alimony any more.   I didn’t want him, so why would I want him to support me?  The only thing I asked for was child support.   Not all women are like me.   There are some who will not want their husbands, but they also don’t want to see those husbands happy in another relationship.   They will fight tooth and nail to try to ruin the men financially.   They will take every opportunity tell the kids how “bad” their father is.   This isn’t fair to the kids and it’s not fair to the dad. 

While my man is still married, he is only supporting one household.  He can see his daughter every day and he is involved in her life.  If he was divorced, he may not be told about school concerts or father/daughter dances or any other event that he should go to.  One day, when he was with me, his daughter called him to ask if he could take her to a fishing contest the next day.  Her mother took the phone from her, said “Your father doesn’t have time for you.” and hung up the phone.   He was furious!  The one thing he’s always done is make time for his daughter.  When he got home, he woke her up to tell her that not only would he take her fishing, but they would also go out for lunch afterwards.  This is while he’s living with his wife.  I’d hate to think what his wife would have said if he wasn’t living there.  I don’t understand why people try to hurt their children like that.

Will I ever demand that he divorce his wife?  No.  That’s not my place.  He needs to do what he feels is right.

Do I wish he wasn’t married?  Of course!  I don’t like seeing (or hearing about) him being put down.

Do I feel that I’m “second best” or “settling” for a part-time relationship?  Not at all.  He’s with me a lot.  We have a good relationship that isn’t all about sex.  He’s my best friend as well as my lover.  We’re more of the married couple than he and his wife are.

Would I recommend dating a married man to anyone?  HELL, NO!!!  Not every other woman sees her man as much as I see mine.  Even though a relationship with a married man can work, it’s hard.  There’s a lot of time alone and there’s a lot of hurt.  Also, how do you know, especially in the beginning, that he’s being honest with you about his marital situation?  After all this time, I’ve learned that my man really is being honest with me, but it took a long time to fully understand that.

I’ve heard some women say, “He told me that he’s filing for divorce next week”.  OK…fine…then wait a week and SHOW ME THE PAPERS!!!!

 

Is it an Affair or a Relationship?

The other night, I was talking to a friend and, in her infinite wisdom, reminded me that there IS a difference between an affair and a relationship.

An affair is a fling.  There isn’t any commitment involved.  The husband (or wife) is bored with the marriage.  Maybe having a child put a strain in the relationship.  A man will sometimes feel like he lost the woman he fell in love with.  It’s natural…babies are needy and can’t do things for themselves.  His wife spends hours on end with the new baby and it’s easy for her to forget that the grown man she married needs some attention too.   So what does he do?  He maybe meets someone who makes him feel important.  That progresses to them having sex.  The husband feels guilty about this because, really, his wife hasn’t done anything “wrong”…she just stopped being the sexy, fun-loving person he fell in love with.   The guilt gets to be too much or it gets harder and harder to get away, so eventually, the affair fizzles out.  In other words, an affair is generally a short term fix that is mostly kept hidden from everyone.  Once his wife finds out about the affair or she starts being her old self again, the affair is over.

Before I continue, let me just say that I know having a baby is exhausting!  I’ve been through it.  It’s hard to feel sexy and free spirited when you can’t keep your eyes open!  Is an exhausted wife any reason for a man to run to someone else?  No.  If a man feels deprived of attention, he needs to have a conversation with his significant other to let her know how he feels.  Then, maybe, they can come up with a solution to the problem other than him finding another woman to make him feel wanted.

That being said, I have also seen some women use a new baby as an “excuse” to no longer have sex.   How many times can a man hear “I’m SOOOOO tired”, or “We’ll wake the baby”?  Babies sleep.  After a few weeks of having the baby home, a routine is established.  Babies sleep and that should be the time for Mommy to catch a nap too!  Seriously…ask your husband what he would prefer;  no dirty dishes in the sink or a rested, happy wife?  For the record, HE can do some housework too.

OK, so, it happens.  He has an affair.  Time goes on and nothing changes at home.  He sees more and more of his other woman.  Then, one day he realizes that he has more feelings for his girlfriend than he does for his wife.  He leaves the house earlier in the morning so he could stop at his girlfriend’s house to have breakfast, or just a cup of coffee.  He stops by after work and they either go out to dinner or they stay in and cook.  He spends more time at his girlfriend’s house and finds that he’s much happier.  They go out together, they see friends and family, they don’t hide the fact that they’re seeing each other.   This affair has now turned into a relationship.

An affair usually means sex and take out.  A relationship means sharing lives.  I know exactly when the affair with my man turned into a relationship.  It was about six years ago and I was in Florida visiting my son.  I was at the pool one day and was talking to a few people about restaurants.  The only male there was telling us about his favorite restaurant, but he didn’t like going there alone.  Since his wife and son weren’t with him on that particular trip, he asked me if I wanted to go with him.  I knew he was “safe”, so I agreed.  We went to the restaurant the next night and had a great time.  He introduced me to steak tartare and crepe Suzettes.  We talked, we took a walk around the financial district since I had never been there and we were home before midnight.  We then sat by the pool with a few other people sharing a bottle of wine.

I had always been open with my man, so he knew that I was going out with this friend.  However, I guess it made him think that if I could go out with this guy, what was to stop me from actually dating?  My birthday was a week after I got home from that trip.  When he came over after work, he had a gorgeous necklace for me.  It was a heart within a heart and it had a diamond in the middle.  Then, he told me that we were going out for dinner.  We joked about that being our “first date”.  We went to my favorite steak house and over dinner he was so romantic it was sappy!  He said that he realized that we had been together for a few years and that technically this was our first official date, but that it was just the beginning.  Then he started talking about the necklace and that when he saw it he was reminded of us and that it symbolized his heart protecting my heart.  I looked at him and said, “You know…that’s all fine and dandy and very sweet, but, since this is our first date, you won’t be getting laid.”   That was the beginning.  We have a real date night at least once a week.

Our relationship has progressed from that one night a week to him being here every night.  He helps around the house, he watches my pets when I go away, we go food shopping and cook together, we walk together, we go visiting.  We hang out and watch movies (well, he watches the movie and I usually fall asleep!).  People accept us as a couple.  When people tell me there is no commitment here, I have to laugh.  He may not be supporting me financially, but I have his emotional support and love.  I’m happy with that.