Tag Archive | cheating husband

It’s Been a LONG Busy Summer!

Hi, all!!!!

I can’t believe I haven’t posted here since the beginning of July!  I’ve been so busy, I haven’t even had time to think about things here.

Anyway…all is well in my world.  Like I said, we’ve just been really, really busy!  The summer was full of street fairs and private parties and in between those, we’ve been trying to fix up a rental apartment.   My son finally moved out, but now I have to pretend to be a REAL landlord and get things “renter friendly”.  Not many people would like my kid’s color-scheme (black bedroom, red kitchen and dark blue living room), so my guy and I have been painting, plastering and dry-walling the place.   Thank goodness I’m not in a rush to do this!!!  I’ll be gone most of December and I’d rather not have strangers left alone in the house.

Yes, I’m still with my guy.  I’m sure some have wondered about that since I’ve been silent for so long.  In fact, last weekend, we worked our last Halloween party of the year (every year, I get to be “undead chick” in the casket), so tomorrow, we’re going to re-start the painting.  Yep.  Being the other woman is just SO glamorous!

Now, let’s get caught up:

In July, I was a phone-in guest on the Jennifer Keitt Show based out of Atlanta.  I had never done anything like that and had no idea what to expect.  Personally, I don’t think it went well at all.  Another guest on the show was a friend of Jennifer’s who wrote a book titled “The Mistress Code”.  She was an in-studio guest.  I was asked for my story, which I gave, but I wasn’t given an opportunity to rebut what this other guest (who came on after me) said.  According to her, I was breaking “The Mistress Code” by sitting at home making myself available to my guy any time he wanted me.  She said that I wasn’t living my own life.  She came to this conclusion because I mentioned that I see my guy almost every day.

Obviously, this woman nRehobeth Beach 1ever read my posts, and if Jennifer Keitt read them, she didn’t contradict her friend’s assessment of my situation.  If my posts were read, they would clearly see that while I do see my guy just about every day, I certainly do live my own life.  He knows my schedule for volleyball and I let him know when I will be out with the girls.  In fact, a couple of friends and I just went to Rehoboth Beach, DE to check out the outlet malls and Dogfish Head Brewery!  I also have plans with these friends to be in Key West for New Year’s Eve!  Aside from the weekly volleyball, my friends and I take at least one night a month to do a girls’ night.  Doesn’t sound like I’m sitting home waiting for him to call, does it?  I didn’t realize that I wouldn’t be given a chance to explain all this.  It was pretty one-sided on both sides, which really wasn’t right.  But…live and learn.

There were street fairs up the wazoo all summer, so my weekends were long.  We had to be at the shop by 5 AM to load the trucks, get to the gigs and set up to be ready for start times.  If a street fair is over at 6 PM, we wouldn’t get out of there until at least 9 PM (break-down is tough when you are trying to pack thousands of pounds of rubber), which meant home around 1 AM.  Needless to say, there weren’t many “romantic” weekends!!!  LOL!

But, as busy as we’ve been, we still make time for each other even if it’s just an hour or so after he gets out of work.  He still calls me every morning and after work, so we get to catch up with each other that way.

I need to end this here now.  I’ve been up since 5:30 AM and I’m exhausted!  If anyone has any questions, just send along a comment and I’ll answer as soon as I get it.  Good night, all!!!

 

Coming to Terms

I’ve been with my MM for quite a few years now, so I’ve gone through all of the ups, downs and in-betweens of this relationship.  I started off not knowing that this great guy that I had known for years and just became re-acquainted with was married.  When I found out, we were one year into this and sometimes, I ask myself how I didn’t realize something was up.   But, hind-sight is 20/20.

Even when I saw the evidence (his mom’s obituary), I still couldn’t really believe it because it was from a couple of years earlier, so anything could have happened in that time.  The one thing I did was start looking for signs:  female items left in his car (none), longer hair stuck to the passenger seat (never), him using the term “we need to get <whatever> for the house” when I knew he didn’t mean “we” as in him and me (not once).  I let it go because I figured that if there was something he needed to tell me, he would.  After all, we talked about (just about) everything.

When the truth finally came out, I was livid!  His wife had called me, but not to confront me for being the other woman.  It was to explain why people were in my yard taking pictures of one of his cars.  She said she wanted to “surprise” him by having the car restored, but she didn’t sound like a happy wife trying to surprise her husband.   Still, he was married, so whatever it was we had was over.  At least, that’s what I told myself.

He came over that night and I broke it off.   He asked for a chance to explain, and I gave it to him.  He didn’t give me any of the cliche excuses like “My wife doesn’t understand me” or “I love her but I’m not IN love with her”.   He didn’t even tell me he loved ME at that point.  How could he?  He knew he was married and didn’t want to tell me he loved me knowing that I probably would have laughed in his face!

I’ve been through ups and downs with my feelings.  One day feeling like I couldn’t take another night when he left me to go home to his wife.  The next day, knowing that I could count on him to be there for me if I needed him.  I used to feel guilty, but that stopped when I realized that his wife never so much as stopped by to see him when he was working in the garage.  She knew where he was and it was only a few minutes away.  She never made the effort.  She never even called to ask if he needed anything.

I don’t know my man’s wife.  I never did.  One thing I do know is that she is NOT a bad person as some think I believe.  If she was a bad person, my guy would never have fallen in love with her and married her.  What happened was that she stopped loving him.  Many people don’t understand this, but it happens.  I do know that he tried to make things work.  I tried to get him to make things work before I became so emotionally invested in him that my heart would break into a zillion pieces.  She didn’t want things to work.  That’s it.  She just stopped caring.

I have asked myself over and over what HE did to make her stop caring.  I’ve asked him what he did.  He claims to have no idea.  All he knows is that she blamed menopause.  Unfortunately, I know women who use that as an excuse to stop having sex, but she took it to the extreme and didn’t even want to be touched.  I always thought that women who play the menopause card are the ones who really don’t enjoy sex and welcome menopause as an excuse to stop.  Personally, if I had a husband who was younger than me and I lost interest in sex, I would be doing anything I could to try to get that interest back.  Not that sex is THE most important thing, but a big chunk is missing without any intimacy.

It took me a long time to realize that what we have is better than a lot of marriages out there.  We’re friends first, then lovers.  I have my own space and time to do what I want.  He has to do what he feels is right for his daughter and I accept that.  I’m asked how I came to terms with this relationship.  Well, I came to terms by living my own life.  Sure, we have interests together, but I have my own interests that keep me busy.  As the years go by, I realize that this relationship is good for both of us.  We are together more than many married people.  We talk more than most couples (thanks to his commute to and from work calls to me).  When we’re together, we’re a REAL couple in a REAL relationship.  I know, I know….there are some who will disagree and say I’m “settling”.  I’m not settling…I’m happy.  I don’t need to be his wife.  I don’t need to be a mother to his daughter.  I just need to be the one he loves who loves him back.

Right now, I’m going through a time when I want to get out of the north!  He wants me to move closer to him, but I told him that there is no way I will be living in some out of the way area alone.  If he wants me to stay up north, he will have to make a move to be with me.  If he can’t do that, then I am going south.  I have some time to decide what I want to do, but when I’m in a position to move, he will have his option.  In the meantime, I’m looking at real estate down south.  I’ve shown him several of the houses and condos I’m looking at, so he knows this is a very real option for me.  I’m not going to push.  As always, he needs to decide what to do for him.  Whatever happens with this, I’ll come to terms with that too.

 

Add “Bat-Shit Crazy” to My List of Titles!

************, you are so utterly deluded, I find myself literally lol’ing at what you have to write. :)

Now I have gone from being a “very delusional person” to “utterly deluded”.   Again…at least I still have the power to make someone laugh.  :-D

And we’re not done yet!!!!!  Here we are on April 10 at 6:33 PM

You say: At 10, she should be able to understand that she would probably see her dad more if he wasn’t living with her.

This makes no damn sense!

Followed by this: I miss not knowing his daughter. When I go on vacation, I always make it a point to bring something home for her.

You have FAILED in your effort to replace his wife. Now you want to replace the wife as MOTHER of her own child?!?

You can deny that all you like, as you didn’t actually type out the words. I’ve read your entire blog. The fact that you desperately WANT to replace his wife, but have continuously failed for the last 11 years comes through loud and clear.

I’m sure that WH gives your gifts to his child. You really are in denial, OW.

There is absolutely NO universe in which his daughter is going to accept you. The fact that you are trying to buy her speaks to your level of desperation.

The only hope you ever have of getting WH is if his W finds out, kicks his rump to the curb and divorces. He might then settle for you. Or not.

So, you can’t see how not living in the home my MM’s daughter will probably see him more?  Let me explain:

He is with me right after work and gets home when his daughter is in bed.  He says a quick “good night” to her, then it’s time for him to get to sleep because he has to be up at 5:00 AM to get to work.  He works all day Saturday, then he’s with me until 1:00 or 2:00 AM.  During the summer season, we work together most Sundays at our weekend job. 

If he was living with me, he would be able to get his daughter after work and take her for dinner a few times a week.  That’s more than what she’s getting now.  She would also be able to go to our jobs on Sundays and maybe help out.  More time to spend with Dad.  I don’t have to work these jobs, so I could stick with her to make sure she’s totally safe.  Does that make me want to replace her mother, or just play “babysitter” for a day?

You seem to be under the impression that I am trying to “replace” his wife, but that isn’t the case.  I’m quite content with the relationship as it is.  Yes, I would like to know his daughter, but that’s not possible right now and I don’t know if that will ever be possible.  Even if  my MM and I end up living together at some point, I will not want to be a “replacement mother”.  She has a mother and that will never change.  I’m not about to take someone’s child away from them.  Goddess knows that I raised my two boys and I don’t want to raise someone else’s child.  That doesn’t mean that I can’t care about her well-being or wouldn’t be there if she needs another ear to listen if she has a problem.  I would care for her as I care for the younger children of my friends.  I also would never try to turn her away from her mother (because that is what you seem to be implying). 

I don’t know where you get that I want to replace his child’s mother because I bring her something back when I go on vacation.  You say that I’m showing desperation by trying to “buy” her.  By “bringing something back” I mean that I’ll bring her a pretty shell that I find, or a key-chain or one year, I brought a small vial filled with sand from my beach with tiny shells mixed in.  I doubt very much any of these things would “buy” a child’s love and acceptance.  His daughter knows me as a friend of her father’s and the “mother” of my two fur-babies that he brings home when I’m on vacation (my condo association doesn’t allow pets) and I’m the one who watches HER pets when they are away.  So, yes, he does bring his daughter the stupid little things I bring back for her.

I refuse to go over the same dead horse over and over again about how his daughter will not accept me….EVER.  I have said that my MM (WTF is “WH”?!??!?) and I have discussed this subject.  The longer the lie goes on, the less chance there will be of being accepted as even just a friend, nevermind her father’s girlfriend.  

I have not FAILED to take my MM’s wife’s place.  I never tried to take her place.  Yes, this relationship has been going on for 11 years, but I’m not looking to be anyone’s wife.  This would be the case even if I was seeing a single man.  I was a wife…been there, done that, got the divorce.  I don’t need to be married.  

Now I need to point out that you are taking my situation and comparing it to yours.  You are obviously still bitter about your husband’s affair.  I don’t know if the wound is still fresh or if you’re letting the bitterness grow and fester instead of moving on with your life.  Just by your many comments to me, I can see that you can’t let go of this hurt (that also shows in your email address, which I will not make public here).

Maybe you were a wonderful wife who doted on her husband.  Maybe you had no idea that he was cheating on you until it came up to bite you in the face.  That sucks…and I don’t mean that sarcastically.  It really and truly sucks.  But, I can tell you that my MM is NOT like your husband.  He married someone who stopped loving him.  Their lives took different turns, but for reasons of their own, they will stay together, but live separate lives unless there is something they must do together for their daughter. 

I hope that you are able to let go of the hurt, because if you can’t your life will continue to be miserable. 

This person obviously doesn’t agree with my relationship with a MM, yet she kept reading and responding.  She is a prime example of those who cannot accept that sometimes, life throws us curve balls.  I never thought that I would be in a relationship with a married man….NEVER!  But, never say never.

For The First Mrs and those who feel the same as she, I need to again say that most OW did not set out to look for relationships with married men.  Marriages fail and affairs happen.  Some are one-night stands while others, like mine, are long-term.

Personally, I don’t agree with women who actually DO look to meet married men.  I don’t understand actually searching for this kind of life, but, it happens.  I suspect that many of these women aren’t in it for anything long-term, they are just enjoying the moment.  Is an affair all the fault of the other woman, no matter what the circumstances?  No….absolutely not.  But, the OW  gets all the blame.  SHE is the “home-wrecking whore”.  What about the men who allowed the affair to happen knowing that they are married (at times to great women who do nothing but love them and want to make good homes for them)?  They never seem to get blamed for this.  It’s always “Boys will be boys” or “Men weren’t made to be monogamous”.

I’ve said it before and it’s worth repeating:  A man who is happy in his marriage will not cheat!  He may look, but he won’t touch because he respects and loves his wife.  “But, honey, I was drunk” doesn’t fly as an excuse.  A happily married man who has a great wife should know his limits and to not put himself in the position to be “seduced” by another woman.   But, a one-night stand with a stranger is one thing; a long-term relationship that is both emotional and intimate  is another.  That means there is REAL trouble in the marriage.

No affair is the same.  They happen for many reasons.  Black and white don’t apply to this topic.  Don’t try to make them apply.

 

 

 

 

Why Can’t His Wife Try to be Civil with His Family?

People have asked me in their comments “How do you know his wife doesn’t care?”  Well, the past few weeks have been awful and her lack of caring is perfectly clear.

My MM’s 50 year old cousin was diagnosed with cancer about 5 years ago.  Last week, she lost her battle.  We had spent the last two Saturdays visiting her in the hospital.

Before they were married, my guy and his wife (then girlfriend) lived in the same house as this cousin, so they knew each other well.   I knew this and asked when he and his wife would be going to the viewing so that I would not run into them there.  He told me that I would be going with him to the wake and funeral because his wife would not go to either.  I was pretty much stunned by this.

This was a woman who did nothing but try to be friends with his wife, but his wife wouldn’t give her a chance.  She hates everyone in his family, and they grew to hate her because of it.  The one person who loses in this situation is their daughter, because she has a whole family she doesn’t know.  She doesn’t want to know them because her mother has poisoned her mind when it comes to his family.

So, we were at the viewing as a couple.  I sat with the family and walked his elderly aunts to the ladies room to make sure they didn’t fall.  After the viewing, one of his cousins and his 95 year old Aunt Ruth met us at a diner for a late supper.  My man stayed with me that night because the funeral was going to be early the next day.

No one asked about his wife; it was expected that she wouldn’t be there.  Do I find it odd that his family accepts me like they do?  Of course I do!  They never all his wife if they need help with anything and they never call to invite her over, but they call me at least once a week to come over and play board games.

Yes, my relationship with this MM is so different than any other that I have heard of.  We are always out in the open; never hidden.  It’s not always like this when dating a married man or woman.

I’m glad that I’m accepted and I’m glad I got to say “good-bye” to a wonderful woman.  One thing I feel bad about is that his wife, the one who SHOULD have cared, didn’t.  She should have put her feelings about his family aside for this.  I also believe that his tween daughter should have been there to at least pay her respects and meet her cousins.

RIP, Kathy…you were a wonderful friend and mother.  You will be missed.

The Other Woman’s Port in a (Post-)Storm

Hello Everyone!!!

I’ll be down for a bit because of Hurricane Sandy. Stuck without power. I’m sitting in the library now, charging all my stuff, but would you believe the library has no Internet???? Thank goodness I got a “rocket” so I can connect while traveling! I’m the only one here on line. People hate me! LOL!

My guy is working 7 days a week, 12 hour shifts, so our contact is limited to phone during commutes. Good thing I have my Kindle Fire to occupy the time at night. Charging it now for later, so life is good.

I hope everyone is safe and warm. Will post soon!

The Delusional Other Woman?

It’s been a long, busy summer for me.  This is pretty much the first time I’ve had a chance to sit down and post.  Sorry!

I have been reading all the comments sent to me, and I’m glad that there are some married men commenting.   It’s nice to get some feedback from these guys, but from some of the comments, I really don’t think they grasp that not all men in an extra-marital relationship are the same (even though some commented on the post “Are All Cheating Husbands the Same?”).

I, for one, am not delusional when it comes to my relationship.   I know that even though his wife must know about me, yet hasn’t yet confronted him, that could change at any time.  I have never been told by my MM that his wife has no clue.  I guess his home life is run like the military; don’t ask, don’t tell.   Yes, I believe she does know because I can’t see how she DOESN’T know, but I will not encourage him or anyone else to throw our relationship at her.   She obviously likes living in her cocoon, safe from having to live on her own.

I received a few comments from a Former MM.  I’d just like to address some of the things he said.  While I agree with some, I do not agree with others.  He seems to lump all men having relationships with other women in the same category.

Former MM says (His comments are in bold, my responses are next to his, but in italics):

Unless the MM is suffering from some mental issues, he will exhibit some very classic traits that when viewed all together.. will likely have the wifes gut screaming.. Even if she has no concrete proof of an affair.. She will eventually know something Is up

1. Phone never leaves the side. Password protects everything  (his phone is with him at all times.  His job requires it.)
2. closes computer window when wife comes in room  (he absolutely HATES computers!)
3. Reduction in intimacy    (his wife rejected him time and time again.  This is what eventually made him turn to me.)
4. Will be snippy to downright snarly with her and kids  (can’t say.  I’m not in the home, though I know she is “snarly” with him.  I never heard him talk snippy to his child)
5. Goes out and is unaccounted for or unreachable for hours  (he’s reachable by phone always.  Even when he’s with me)
6. Changes appearance  (didn’t happen.  Neither of us thought to even ask the other to change anything)
7. More grooming. Manscaping becomes a thing.  (Ew.  No way)

While this may be true for some, it’s not true for others.  (Good…some acknowledgement here)

Affairs never happen in a vacuum. Emotional states will shift, and patterns of behavior will change. While I did eventually confess to my wife, she had been on to me for months. She just didn’t have any proof… yet.

Just because your MM says their wife is completely unaware.. don’t believe it.  (I have never been told she doesn’t know)

Another comment went on to say:

Actually.. I think the overwhelming majority of MM in affairs are basically the same. I guess that was my point. Save for a few minor details someones MM is not that special snowflake. The ugly truth is that they almost all behave in a similar manner. I have seen how myself and others have acted and there are a lot of very stark similarities.

The common lies.
Staying for the kids  (This happens more times than a lot of people realize.  It’s not right, IMO, but it’s what the MM needs to do if he feels it’s right  for the child)
Spark out of the marriage.. its over.  (It happens.  In this case, he tried to make things work when his wife first told him she didn’t want to be touched in any way)
Sexless.. no intimacy.  (Again…this happens more times than is realized)
Separate rooms/beds  (My guy has his own room)
My spouse is cheating on me.  (Not something I was ever told)
I’ll be filing for divorce once we’re in a better place financially.  (Another thing I was never told)

Some of these points may actually be true. But they are still excuses. If life were really that bad.. they would get the divorce.   (Not really.  I’ve seen what some people do to drag out a divorce just so more money is spent.  The only ones winning are the attorneys)  The fear of remaining in an unhappy marriage has to surpass the fear of the unknown of the divorce.  (It’s not fear of the unknown.  It’s fear of his child being taken away, emotionally if not physically) Many of those points were true for me.. but while I wasn’t particularly happy.. it wasn’t terrible  (That’s your case, not all)

Your man stays with his wife because he wants to. Not because I know him, but because I know human nature. People always behave in a manner consistent with their desires. There are options. Uncomfortable and sometimes downright painful options but they are there. He has you convinced its all about his daughter, THAT is the point I don’t buy.  (And you have every right not to buy it.  However, I know this is the truth.  He’s there for her.)

Your “Man”’s daughter is in her teens. Sure, his wife could be a major pain in the backside, but denying visitation? Not bloody likely. Not at this age. There are just too many ways to communicate and facilitate meetings.   (You are forgetting one important  point:  how does a man stop his ex-wife/wife from brainwashing the child against him?  Are you so naive as to think this doesn’t happen?)  Yes.. I have seen enough claims of abuse being made, but the courts are not blind to the context. The burden of proof would be on her. And do you think the daughter would back those claims up?  (No one said anything about abuse.  But the mother has poisoned the child’s mind against his family.  I have no doubt she will do the same with him.  I’ve heard some comments the wife has made to the child about him and it’s not pretty.)

There were some other statements made that can be read in the comments section.  I just find no need to kick a dead horse by giving responses again….

I did see you mention in another post that you don’t think he’s cheating on you. But truly.. what do you think that the odds are.. that within the last 10 years or so.. that he hasn’t had sex with his wife? Yeah.. no desire for intimacy,.. I heard that part. Month? Sure. 6 months? umm.. ok. Year? Yeah.. not buying it. I have seen some pretty combative, toxic and seemingly indifferent relationships where sex was still happening. Bottom line.. I still think he’s having sex with her. I’ll buy not very often, but in 10 years? Ill stick with the odds on that one.  (Here is what leads me to believe Former MM hasn’t read all of my posts.  It’s not my guy who stopped having sex with his wife; SHE no longer wants to be touched.  It happens.  Some women go through the motions of liking sex, but they don’t.  They will use any excuse not to do it.  I know when I knew my marriage was over, every night, I would “fall asleep” on the couch knowing that my husband wouldn’t bother to wake me to come to bed.  You can believe what you will, but I know in my heart that he’s not cheating on me with his wife or anyone else.  We have discussed this, and he did confirm that in the beginning, when our relationship was just an affair, she would consent to sex once in a while.  It got to be too much of a chore to even ask, so after about 6 months or so, he stopped asking and she never offered.)

Regardless.. I don’t see how you would give people help on being the OW, when even in this outlier of affairs that you claim to be in, its hardly an ideal relationship. We all go into any relationship knowing.. that one day it may end. If we are truly happy.. we would like that it wouldn’t.. but that is the reality of a relationship. However, most of us aren’t in a relationship where the Sword of Damocles is so prominently positioned above their head. Hardly something to strive for.  (Any relationship could end at any time.  Does that mean we should never try?  At any given moment, life could step in and give us all a blow.  Not  perfect?  No.  But what relationship is perfect?  Anyone thinking this is the delusional one.)

My OW used to say.. and I believed her.. that the most painful thing for her was when I left her to go home. It sparked many a row between us. Why she settled for me in the relationship we had is beyond my comprehension. Similarly.. why you settle for this is equally beyond my comprehension.   (In the beginning, I used to feel lonely when he left.  Now, I find that I have just as full of a life when he’s not with me.  I meet with friends at least once a month for girls’ night.  In fact, some of these friends will be coming with me on vacation soon.  Do I miss him when I’m away?  Not really.  After all, he calls me every day.  This is my time to do things that I don’t do with my guy.  Nothing wrong with that.   Besides, I really do like my alone time.  I don’t feel that I’m settling for anything.)

So, even though this Former MM feels that I’m settling and being cheated on, I know he’s wrong.  That may have been true with his OW, but I know my situation is different.  EVERY situation is different.  I am luckier than most OW because I have a lot of time with my MM.   also have a lot of time alone.  I’m happy with it either way.

Can A Wife Stop Her Husband From Cheating?

If he's not happy, he could stray

I have been “accused” of being a home-wrecker and of using my blog to condone cheating. I was recently asked why I never try to “help” wives keep their husbands from cheating. Well, I believe I have given the wives out there some tips in earlier posts, but, I’m going to do it again.

I will never encourage anyone to go out looking for a married man to “tempt” away from his wife. Other women come in all varieties. Some of us are wives, some are divorced wives of cheating husbands, some are single. We all have one thing in common: we never set out to “seduce” a married man. First of all, I couldn’t seduce anyone if I tried. Sexy is definitely a word I would never use to describe me. So…how did I end up as the other woman? The answer is simple: I made him feel important. My man’s wife left him emotionally. After she had her baby, she no longer wanted him. When he and I first started talking after not seeing each other for years, I didn’t know he was married. An affair was not on his mind and it certainly wasn’t on MY mind.

I’m not making excuses. We spent a lot of time talking and I just assumed that he was single because of some of the things we talked about. He never mentioned a wife, or a child in the beginning. Looking back, I should have asked more questions, but hindsight is 20/20. I had my suspicions, but I didn’t want to believe it. After all, this is a good man who would never hurt anyone who loved him and who was good to him. He always went out of his way to help friends, family and me. By the time I found out for sure that he was actually married, I was hooked.

So…what can a couple do to get out of the rut of marriage and family? I think one of the most important things is to make each other feel special. I realize that sometimes, it’s hard. After all, we’re living in a time where it’s necessary for both partners to work outside of the home. Working, cooking, cleaning, taking care of a child or children all take a toll on a marriage. It’s easy for the couple to forget what drew them to each other in the first place. Before they know it, they have grown apart.

From the beginning of a marriage, the couple needs to stay connected. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean that the romance has to stop. At least once a week, have a date night. If you don’t have the time (or a babysitter) to go out, one of you could grab some take-out. The first one home could stop at the florist or grocery store and pick up some flowers (I’m sure someone gave them a vase as a wedding or shower gift!) and set the table (don’t forget the candles). If you have children, put them to bed early and sit down to a nice dinner. Talk to each other. Don’t talk about the kids for this one night. As a couple only talks about the kids, they find that the kids are all they CAN talk about. Talk about your likes and dislikes, talk about a book you read or a movie you saw (or want to see). Talk about a funny incident that happened at work, or something unusual you saw on your commute or when you went out to lunch. Once you start, I’m sure you could find a lot to talk about.

I know what you’re thinking: put the kids to bed EARLY?!?!?!? Yes. It can be done. Even newborns have a schedule. It may be trickier, but each parent knows their child and when they sleep. If a date night is planned every week from the beginning of a marriage and when a new baby is brought home, children will know to stay in their beds (or at least their rooms) when the parents say it’s bedtime. Trust me; I was a divorced mother of 2 boys under the age of 6. When I got home from work, I spent time with my kids, but I was tired!!!! They knew that bedtime was “stay in your room and be quiet so mommy can rest” time!

Every now and then, try something new. Get a sitter for a day and do something the wife wants to do. I’m not saying to torture your poor husband by a day of shopping in a mall, but I’m pretty sure he can live through a chick-flick. He might even enjoy going to a museum or a flea market. Be creative. When it’s the husband’s turn, maybe find a classic car show or a ball game (even I can stand to go to a ball game. It’s more fun at the stadium than watching it on TV). If you can’t get a sitter, take the kids. By going out to new places together, it will give you something to talk about on date night!

Now…for new parents. I know you’re exhausted! My first son was 22 months old when my second one was born. My husband did zero, zip, zilch, NOTHING to help out. Never changed a diaper or gave them a bath or fed them (OK…I breast-fed for the first year, but I always had a supply in the fridge he could have given them). I was a stay at home mom until my divorce when the boys were 2 and 4. Before that, I knew when the kids napped, so I napped. This way, I was “human” enough to cook dinner and spend some time with my husband. Bottom line: babies sleep! Take advantage of it. If both parents work, then maybe the husband could give his wife a couple of hours to herself a day or two a week. Give her time to go out with friends or just take a nap. She’ll be forever grateful! In the same respect, the wife needs to let her husband have a night out with the boys if he wants. Just remember…BOTH OF YOU…that a night out doesn’t mean getting stupid-drunk and flirting with anything that moves. It means going out, have a drink or two and connect with friends.

No matter how tired you are, always take the time to hug. Sometimes, it’s too tiring to even think of sex, but how much effort does  cuddling take?  Sit next to each other on the couch while watching TV. Put your head on your husband’s (or wife’s) lap. Don’t worry about what the kids will think. They’ll grow up knowing what a loving couple should be like. When leaving the house for work, always remember to kiss each other good-bye and when you get home, kiss each other hello.

I know it’s cliche, but don’t go to bed angry. If you’re annoyed with each other, talk it out. We can’t agree with each other all the time, but we can agree to disagree. We are only human and as such, we’re imperfect creatures. When two people live together, they’re bound to piss each other off every now and then!

Surprise each other with little love notes or cards or small, inexpensive gifts. Treat your spouse to a bubble bath and put on something sexy. Above all, always remember to say “I love you” to each other at least once a day. Use your imagination! If you keep your spouse happy at home he (or she because we all know that wives cheat too) will not want to look elsewhere for affection.

Remember why you fell in love to begin with

How Not to Get Caught

I would never  advise someone to go out and purposely find a married man to start a relationship with.  That being said, this is real life and sometimes, things happen.

When you’re with a married man, there is always a chance that you’re going to get caught, and getting caught brings on unnecessary hurt to the spouse.  This hurt extends to any children that the couple may have.  No matter what the situation is at home, no woman wants her husband’s affair made public.  Maybe friends and family aren’t aware that there’s trouble in the marriage.  If her husband gets caught in an affair, it may force an action that the wife isn’t ready, or willing, to make.

I’m in the process of writing a book on how not to get caught.  Before I finalize it,  I was wondering if any of you out there have specific scenarios you would like to see covered in it.  If you have any ideas, just send over a comment!

Thanks!!!!

In the Beginning…..

The relationship my MM and I have is NOT typical.  Most relationships like ours is limited to maybe one day a week, sometimes less.  I have the advantage of seeing my man almost every day.  It wasn’t always like that, though.

In the beginning, I would see him once a week when he came to work in the garage he rented.  This was before we actually had a relationship.  It was at a time when we were getting reacquainted as friends.  Even when our relationship turned into a romantic one, we still only saw each other once, or maybe twice a week.  Back then, we didn’t go out.  Our world consisted of my little patch of property.  We got take-out and watched movies.

I always knew his family, but didn’t spend time with them.  Our contact was usually just a wave in passing.  I never saw him visiting them, with or without his wife and daughter, so one day, I asked him why.   His wife refused to to see them, even though, at the time, they lived only 2 miles away.  She never liked his family…and there was a bit of an issue when his mom passed away, so she used that as an “I told you so” kind of thing.   He stopped talking to that side of the family.  I convinced him that they really weren’t bad people and it was time he got to know his aunts and cousins again.  That’s when our world expanded to include his aunt’s house.

I knew that he was unhappy with the school system where he lived, and that he was looking to buy a house, with a yard for his daughter, in a town where there were no gang problems, and the schools were highly rated.  I told myself that if he bought his wife a house, I would end our relationship.  I couldn’t grasp the idea that he was buying the house for his daughter, so she could have a yard to play in.  Obviously, his wife was moving in too, and that bothered me.  I couldn’t understand why he would want to further tie himself to a woman he claimed to no longer love.  When he finally did find a house, I told him that I was done.  I made sure I wasn’t home on weekends so there was no chance of running into him.  I wouldn’t answer my phone when he called.  This lasted about a month.

One day, I came home from work and he was here waiting for me.  We had a long talk about how I was feeling and how he was feeling and we both realized that without meaning to, we fell in love with each other.  This was about 2 years into our relationship.  Our world was still only this tiny area.  We didn’t even talk on the phone at this time.

A few years after he and his family moved into the house, we were talking about how it sucked that if we were having a good conversation, we had to end it when he had to leave to go home.  He told me that if he could, he’d call me all the time.  I decided to test that, so I got him a phone on my cell family plan.  I really never thought he’d call as much as he does.  That’s when our morning and evening commute calls started.  He would also call me when I went on vacation.  Every time he had a break at work, he’d call to find out what state I was in (I drive to Florida twice a year…alone).

On one of my vacations, I was in the pool with a couple other condo owners and we were talking about restaurants.  One of the guys was there alone because he had to come down on business and his wife and son couldn’t make it because of school.  He asked if I had ever gone to one particular restaurant, which was his favorite.  I hadn’t been there, so he asked if I would go with him the next night.  He was having a craving for their duck l’orange and he was leaving in two days.  :-D When my guy called later that day, I told him about the next night’s dinner plans.

Dinner was great and the guy I went with had no expectations of any “after dinner activities” (which was good because I know his wife and son).  The following morning, my guy called and asked about dinner.  I told him about the place and what we had and then we moved on to discuss other things.

I got back from Florida a couple days before my birthday.  On my birthday, my guy came over with a present and told me to get dressed because we were going out.  He took me to my favorite steakhouse!  We had been together for almost 5 years, and we were laughing that this was our first “official” date.  The present was a really pretty necklace with two hearts, one inside the other, and a diamond.  As we were in the middle of dinner, he leaned over and touched the hearts and said something about how the larger heart was his heart protecting my heart…sappy, but sweet…and when he finished his little speech, I looked at him very seriously and said, “That’s sweet and all, but, I still don’t f**k on a first date.”  I should have waited until he swallowed that sip of Coke…..

After that first date, we decided that we needed a date night every week.  Once a week turned into dinner almost every night.  On date night, we go to a nice place where we have to wear grown up clothes, while on the other nights, we’ll just go out for hot dogs, hamburgers or wings.  We have our regular places and the servers all know us as a couple.  We go to the local Dunkin Donuts so much that they know what we want without us having to say anything.

In those first years, there were the discussions about why he can’t be with me if he’s so unhappy with his marriage.  I would tell him it was over, he would convince me that we belong together.   The worst part of it was his vacation time.  His daughter deserved a fun vacation even though her parents didn’t get along, so every year, they all go on a family trip.  I’m still not happy with that, but, it is what it is.  Even when he’s away, he brings “our” phone and calls me whenever he can.

I don’t even remember when it happened, but there was a time when I realized that I actually liked our arrangement.  I got my bed to myself.  I could come and go as I please.  If I wanted to go shopping, I didn’t have to OK it with anyone.  I don’t have to either lie awake tossing and turning or leave my bed to go to another room to read when I can’t sleep.  I don’t have to clean up after anyone else (even though HE does most of my housework).  I can cook when I want to, not because I HAVE to.

The one thing that I regret to this day is that I don’t know his daughter.  Whenever she has some extracurricular activity that he goes to, I wish I was able to go.  We’ve had talks about what will happen when she finally does find out about me.  Personally, I think she’ll resent me.  He thinks differently.  I worry about how she’ll react when she finds out that her childhood has basically been a lie.  I worry that she’ll grow up thinking that it’s “normal” for a married couple to not share a room, or show any affection to each other.  I went through that when I was a kid and it wasn’t easy to get over it.  It took me a long time to be able to openly show affection for someone.  Some therapist is going to make a LOT of money!  It’s sad, but I can’t tell him what to do when it comes to raising his child.  I also feel bad that she has cousins she doesn’t even know, but that’s also not up to me.

All in all, we’re happy.  He does realize that I may not be around forever.  Who knows what the future holds?  I could decide that I don’t want to be left out of the little things anymore.  I also realize that if his wife decided that she’s had enough of him not being home that he could end it with me rather than chance losing his daughter.   It’s been a long journey getting to acceptance, but I’m there now.  I’m not “settling”…I just decided to stop stressing over what I can’t (and don’t really want to) change.

 

 

Being The Other Woman Is Rarely Planned

Contrary to popular belief, there aren’t many women who make a conscious decision to be in a relationship with a married man.  I say “not many” rather than “any” because there are always exceptions to every rule.  There are women who do go out looking to hook up with married men.  These women, though, are usually gold diggers looking to snare a rich guy who will take them on trips, buy them cars, jewelry and sometimes homes.  I am not like these women.

Trust me when I say that if I were to specifically look for a married man, I would be cruising the yacht clubs in Miami and Fort Lauderdale.   His wife would be in the marriage for the money just as I would be in the affair for the money.  While his wife was with him doing volunteer work and going to boring country club and business dinners,  I’d be taken on trips all over the world on his private yacht (hence, the looking in yacht clubs) and I’d buy my jeans and tank tops (I wouldn’t need sweatshirts since I’d winter in Florida and summer in Nantucket) at Neiman Marcus instead of Old Navy.  I’d drive a sporty little BMW instead of a Chevy and I would NEVER buy my Nikes on sale again!  As for those $2 flipflops…fuggetaboudit!  I’d buy the $20 flipflops with the ridiculous flowers and a nice big platform so they’d give me some height.   My maid would clean up after me, the gardener would take care of the perfectly manicured lawn and flowers, the pool boy would make sure the water in my screened in pool and adjoining spa were at the perfect temperatures and pH balances and my house would be kept at a constant 70 degrees.  What a nice world it would be!  ::::::::::::::POP:::::::::::::::

OK….the bubble  has burst.

My guy has a blue collar job and drives an almost 20 year old car that can in no way be considered “classic”.   He can’t afford to take me on trips and he doesn’t shower me with clothes, cars and jewelry.  He works two jobs to keep up with bills and when we go out to dinner, we very rarely go anyplace that has tablecloths.  We don’t have much, but we have more than a lot of people.  What we have can’t be bought.  We have a terrific intimate relationship, but we also have a lasting friendship.   Neither of us would lightly give up what we have with each other.

We’re not together because we planned it, we’re together because life happened.  I’m not a “slut” or a “whore”.  I don’t have “low self-esteem” as some have said in their comments.  I don’t feel “unworthy” of a single man who can give me 100% of himself so I “settled” for the married man I’m with.   I’m not “deluding” myself into thinking I’m happy and that he loves me.  I know these things.  I’m not “wasting” my time with him.  Would things be better if he wasn’t married?  In some ways, yes.  He wouldn’t have to leave me at 2 AM to drive an hour home.  I’d be able to know his daughter.  We’d be able to go to my condo together every now and then, even with his daughter, so I could show her the Florida that I’ve known since I was a kid.   Does any of this make me want to get rid of him for a “nice single man”?  No.  Does it mean that he still loves his wife if he’s not divorcing her?  No.  People can’t seem to wrap their minds around the fact that there is no black and white when it comes to infidelity.

Every relationship has down sides.  In my relationship, the ups make up for the downs.  No…not many women plan for this.  It’s not easy being the other woman.  No matter how busy you are, there are nights alone, vacations alone and holidays alone.   I can hear it now; all the cheated on wives “tsk tsking”.   I can guarantee that all of the “other women” who are reading this aren’t sleeping with happily married men.   If a man has a mistress, he’s not really happy in his marriage, is he?