Tag Archive | cheating husband

Cheating Isn’t Always Black and White…There are Shades of Grey – Part 2

When I started this blog, I knew I would get trashed.  It’s inevitable.  This is a very touchy subject and I understand that.  I just wish that people who feel the need to psycho-analyze me and my relationship actually would READ my posts….ALL of them….before trying to pass judgement!

Yes, there are “serial cheaters”.  But sometimes, there are those who cheat because they were emotionally abandoned by their spouses (I’m talking about both men and women here).  So, if one is emotionally abandoned, what do you do?  Do you stay with the spouse, knowing you will never get another hug, or kiss, or kind word?  Do you live in misery for the rest of your life?  Even if you never dreamed you would cheat, if you resigned yourself to the sexless, loveless life you found yourself in, what would you do if you met someone who was willing to give you a hug, or talk to you, or laugh with you?  Cheating is not black and white…there really are shades of grey.  I’ve said over and over again that not all relationships are the same.  No one outside of ANY relationship knows what happens on the inside.  I have no delusions.  I’m sure my guy and his wife DO talk civilly to each other when they have to.  She will always be the mother of his child.  There will always be that bond.  But that doesn’t mean that there is a real marriage there.

When my man and I go out, whether it’s with friends or alone, people view us as the “old married couple”.  We know each other so well we finish each other’s sentences (sounds cliche, but it’s true), we know when to give the other distance, we can make each other laugh.   We hold hands in the car, or when we’re walking down the street.  We steal kisses when we work together.  We know each other’s faults and can call each other on them.

There are waiters and waitresses who know us as a couple and probably would be shocked to know that we’re not married to each other.   If I go to our favorite diner without him, someone always asks about my “husband”.

Is this the ideal situation?  Of course not!  Certainly I would have preferred to meet a nice SINGLE guy, but I didn’t.  I met him.  I didn’t go out looking for a married man, and in the beginning, I also didn’t expect to be in a relationship with him.  That was because he’s so much younger than me.  I didn’t know he was married in the beginning.  Maybe I should have ended it when I found out, but I didn’t.  Things progressed to where we are now and there’s no point looking back.

People are going to judge me whether they know me or not.  I just wish that before judging, they look into themselves and ask those “what ifs”.

Cheating Isn’t Always Black and White…There are Shades of Grey – Part 1

I received a comment today from someone who thinks they know who I am.   This person also feels that they know what my relationship with my married lover is all about.   For the record, I copied and pasted the comment as is.  I didn’t change a word in the original;  just added MY comments.  Here it is (with my comments in bold italics):

Ma’am you are just a piece of tail at this point. And at your age, you should be ashamed for not requiring more of this guy. The reason you are still with this man and allow him to treat you this way is because you have low self esteem. (Can someone my age REALLY be considered “just a piece of tail”?  I guess I always thought of “a piece of tail” as someone much younger.  My bad.  Why should I be ashamed of not requiring more of this guy?  I’m a self-sufficient woman.  I don’t need a man to support me.  My self-esteem is quite good, thank you very much.  I like myself enough to want to spend time with me.) You care about this man deeply and think because he spends a few days a week with you he’s committed- but those no such thing as a 50% commitment- you are being used and he and his buddies are laughing at you even as I type this e-mail.(Yes, I do care deeply about this man and I know he cares deeply about me.  This is not because he spends a few days a week with me.  This is because he shows me every day how much he cares.  I know most of his friends and I can assure you that they are NOT laughing at me.  Well….when we’re all together, we do laugh a lot, but that’s something different, isn’t it?) I guarantee you if you put your foot down and say to this guy, leave your wife and be with me, he would NOT do that and you would be s.o.l.(I know he wouldn’t leave his wife at this time.  I have no delusions about that.  It’s not the right time.  His child is young and needs him there.  He’s very involved in her life and that’s how it SHOULD be.  So, I don’t feel that I would be “S.O.L”.  Let’s continue, shall we?) You’re probably saying “I don’t want him to leave his wife, I like it this way” but the truth is you’ve learned to tolerate it this way because that is all he will allow you.(Really?  I only “tolerate” this because this is all he “allows” me to have?  Yes, there was a point where I thought I wanted him to leave his wife and be with me.  We talked about this.  Right now, it’s not possible.  I don’t tolerate it, I accept it.) It’s embarrassing to be the Other Women- because no one respects you. People view you as the fool, the whore, the homewrecker and you think you’ve got the advantage.(I’m not in the least embarrassed.  You are someone who really doesn’t know me.  Not only do you not know me, or my man, you haven’t read my whole blog.  His family invites me to their homes for birthdays, anniversaries, dinner, dessert and just to play a game of dominoes.  I’ve been there when his cousins and aunts have asked him when he’s going to leave his wife.  They don’t like her.  She has never made any effort to get along with them.  She will not go see them, nor will she let him bring their daughter to see them.  Because of this, his daughter has cousins she sadly does not know.  Is this fair?) You’re probably thinking- “oh his poor wife”(Nope…never thought this at all), but she’s the one with the house ( I have a house of my own), the car (I also have a car that I love), the kids (OMGs!!  I have kids!!!  They’re just not HIS kids, but he gets along with them very nicely.), the life and his balls in a vice (LOL!!!  Yeah…I’ll admit that I have mentioned the balls to him a time or two.  Only I ask if they’re detachable and are put on a shelf when he walks into his house.) and you are a gardener who comes and visits you to rake the leaves twice a week?(Not fair!!!  I help rake the leaves!!!  But seriously, it’s not so much that he does these things for me…we SHARE the work.  If he’s doing work on his cars, I’m there talking to him.  It’s not about him being my gardener…it’s about sharing time.) I am only 29 and I am sure there are a lot of things I don’t understand about marriage, but I do know statistically speaking men most often do NOT leave their wives for the other women- because they don’t have to.(You’re right, you really don’t understand at all.  Divorce is expensive and there are woman who make things far more difficult than they should when it comes to visitation.  I know the statistics.  I also know that if the time comes when I NEED him to live with me for whatever reason, and he refuses, he will no longer be welcome in my home.  But, as I’ve said in other posts, I really do like my alone time.)   The other women is stupid enough to believe that this arrangement is ok and therefore stays engaged in it all the while the guy is living the dream.(He’s not rich.  If he was “living the dream”, he’d be retired in his mansion on the hill.) He tells you “my wife doesn’t understand me, my wife knows I don’t love her, my wife doesn’t sleep with me” all of these are lies (Actually, we don’t talk about his wife much.  She is the mother of his child and I really don’t agree with the trash talk some people engage in.  The only time she pops up in conversation is when he’s so frustrated when he’s not “allowed” to bring his daughter places alone.) - every day he goes home to his wife and tries to make up for cheating on her (He usually gets home very late.  She doesn’t wait up.  I know this….I’ve driven him home the few times his car was in the shop.  She doesn’t even leave a light on for him.) and you are home alone in bed deep down inside hoping that he’ll leave her to be with you (Puleeze!!!  Really?!?!?!  He leaves me and immediately calls me so we can talk on his way home.  When we hang up, I either go to sleep or lie in bed reading, which is something I couldn’t do if he were with me.  If he leaves his wife, that will be HIS choice.). But you better hope that never happens- because then you’ll be his women while sound other lady talks about you- who happens to be his “other women’(IF he ever does leave his wife and moves in with me, I will not make the mistakes that she has made.  I talk to him, I let him vent about work, I actually pay attention to him.). With all due respect ma’am, grow up and stop stealing what doesn’t belong to you (I didn’t “steal” anything.  She let him go.). Find someone who can be devoted to you- you really want that you just don’t think you can get it (I do have someone who is devoted to me.  He just doesn’t live with me.  And, FYI, I get asked out quite a bit. I choose not to accept because, contrary to what you would like to believe, I’m happy.). Good luck

TO BE CONTINUED………

 

 

Sugar or Equal to Help With That Bitterness?

I have received my first negative comment on this blog! Unfortunately, it was from someone who really never read through my posts. Rather than just send a reply, I thought I’d share. Here is the comment:

Right now, I’m raising my arms above my head, trying to pull my brain back into my body. Are you fucking serious? You wasted 9 years as the OW? Just mind blowing.

I’m not the OW (just take a guess at my role), though I do know her. She’s an imbecile. If that’s what men really want, go at it. Us smarter, more evolved women will be standing here on the hill laughing our asses off on the way to divorce court. And also laughing our asses off knowing that you’re only a piece of ass not even worthy of public recognition.

Let’s pick this apart, shall we? First of all, I do believe I have a post up that’s titled “Wasting Time?”. I’ll go over this again. How can it be considered wasting time when I’m living my life? I’m not sitting around just waiting for my man to come here, and when he IS here, we certainly aren’t hiding. We go out at least twice a week, but usually more. We go out with friends, we visit family (both his and mine), he helps me with the yard work, he’s currently helping me with some home renovations, we go shopping, we cook together, we watch movies, we laugh and we fight.   In other words, we have a REAL relationship.

Going by the second paragraph, I’m guessing that this comment is from a woman who has a cheating husband.  Well, I’m sorry about that.  Maybe she could benefit from my posts about how a wife could save her marriage by paying some attention to her husband.   My relationship started off as a friendship.  We spent hours talking.  We still spend hours talking.  Contrary to your belief, there are men out there who are cheating on their wives not for the sex, but for the emotional connection and the conversation.  The sex is a perk.

I think it’s sad that this person feels that her trip to divorce court is a laughing matter.  Obviously, the marriage wasn’t worth that much to begin with if divorce  was the only option she could think of.   It makes me wonder if she did anything to try to save her marriage.   Honestly, I’ve never been in that situation, but I would think that if the marriage was important, the one being cheated on (whether it’s the man or woman) would talk to their spouse and ask “Why?”.   She calls the other woman an “imbecile” and refers to the wives of cheaters as being more evolved.  I would think that a more evolved woman would  try to understand why her husband found the need to cheat.   Maybe there’s a chance to turn things around.

Don’t waste time on bitterness.   You chose the easy way out (divorce) rather than do the work it would take to save the marriage.  Your loss.  I just hope that if there are children involved, you decide to take the high road and not bad-mouth their father and (if he’s still with his mistress), his new girlfriend.   Don’t transfer your bitterness to your kids.  No matter what happened with you, the kids love their dad.  Let them have a relationship with him.

In closing, I’d like to say one more thing.  It’s now MY turn to laugh my ass off!  I’m nothing but a piece of ass?????  I think I’ve gotten the point across that I’m NOT just a piece of ass, but, at my age, I’m happy that someone would THINK  I’m a piece of ass!!!  So….thank you!

 

Another Vacation Without Him

Vacation View From the Pool

I just got back from a 2 week trip to Florida. As usual, I drove, but this time, I brought a friend. Normally, when I go on vacation, I drive down by myself and if friends are coming down, I pick them up at the airport and they stay for a long weekend. I stopped asking others to travel with me because the two times I drove with someone else, my car broke down. When I went with my son and his girlfriend, a tire blew out. The next year, I had a friend from MA meet me in NJ and we drove down together. With 20 miles to go, at 2 AM, in the rain, my engine blew! After that, I realized that my car just didn’t like the extra humans, so from then on, I drove it alone.

About 2 weeks before this last trip, I got a new car! I didn’t want him (yeah….my car is a boy) to be antisocial like my old car, so I decided to start him off with “company”. He did very well!

Whenever I go away like this, my guy likes to keep in touch, so he calls me whenever he has a break at work. He likes to know where I am and to make sure I’m safe. It’s nice to have him to talk to, especially when I’m driving 18 hours alone. This time, the new car has Bluetooth, so the conversations were pretty much between the 3 of us. It takes some getting used to, but we dealt.

So….vacation. Always nice to get away! My son has lived in Florida for a little over 5 years and he has never been to Key West, so my friend and I took him there. We had a blast! We did the sunset celebration in Mallory Square (clouds on the horizon, so I have to go back to see an actual sunset), then we walked down Duval Street. We were given a whole bunch of 2 for 1 margarita vouchers, so we parked ourselves in that bar. It was all open, we had a table right in front so we people-watched and drank margaritas all night. There was a singer in the bar who would walk around while she sang. Every time she left the stage, my friend and I had her hanging on my son. After the 4th time, he was starting to enjoy the attention.

The next day, we hung out at the beach, had some dinner, then headed back to Fort Lauderdale since my son had to be at work the next day. It would have been nice to have another day or two, but, next time.

When we got back to the condo, my friend and I just relaxed by the pool, hung out on the balcony and talked. This was the first time I went away and really didn’t talk to my guy that much. He called every morning when he was on his way to work, but most of the time, I told him I was too tired to talk and hung up. What can I say? We stayed up late every night.

One night, my friend asked if my man ever gave me a hard time about going away. Hmmmm….considering HIS situation, he better not give me a hard time! I know when I go away, he misses me like crazy! He calls a few times every day. He goes to my house every day to take care of my pets (he takes the dogs home with him for the time I’m away, but the bunnies, snake and hermit crabs stay home) and calls to let me know how they’re all doing. The first weekend I was gone, he had to work early, so he stayed at my place and went to the diner we usually go to for breakfast. He said that everyone there asked where I was (I went there with my son’s girlfriend the other day and they all told me he looked lost without me). It’s sometimes strange to realize how many people think of us as a “real” couple. I think most people who don’t really know us would be shocked to find out what the story really is.

Every time I go to Florida, I think he worries that one of these days, I’ll tell him I’m staying because he keeps mentioning that my condo doesn’t allow “four-legged pets”. I just tell him that I’ll have to go to the condo association to try to change that by-law. I have to admit that I have thought of staying there, and even if I don’t live there year round, being able to bring my dogs with me when I do go would be great. I’m not very comfortable knowing that my dogs are in his house, with his wife, when I’m away. She must know they belong to the person her husband is seeing since when they’re there, he’s home….when they’re not there, he’s NOT home. I just worry that she may go psychotic and do something to them one of these days. However, I’m told that she has nothing to do with my “babies” and that his daughter is the one who takes care of them when he’s at work.

All in all, this trip was a good one. I had good company, we did things I wouldn’t normally do when I’m alone and I really didn’t have much time to think about or miss my guy. Don’t get me wrong…it was nice to see him when I got back, but it wasn’t so hard being away.

Do friends accept your affair?

When I first started seeing my married boyfriend, I lost a couple of friends. There was a group of us who met online and the friendships extended to real life. One of the group didn’t approve of my relationship. She had a husband who cheated on her, so she couldn’t understand why I would continue to date this man after I found out he was married. She convinced another of the group that I was not someone to be associated with, so, two friends….gone. I understand why they felt they needed to separate from me and didn’t try to convince them that what I was doing was right. How could I? I wasn’t sure if it was “right”.

As my relationship goes on, I find more ways to keep myself busy. One of the things I did was to sign up for volleyball two nights a week at the local high school. Each night after playing, a few of us would go out for what we call the “after volleyball pig-out”. During the off seasons, all of us try to get together at least once and a few of us will meet for dinner a couple of times a month. Sometimes my guy comes with me, but most times, it’s just a night out with the girls. They all know my situation and they accept it. I’m not saying it was easy in the beginning, but as they see how much time he spends with me, they see that what I have with my guy isn’t all about sex.

The way I see it, if you truly know someone, you know their character. Since my friends know me, they know that I’m not one who would deliberately break up a family. They have also come to know him and they accept us as a couple. None of them feels uncomfortable about our relationship. It’s good to have friends who don’t judge.

Not only do my friends accept him as my boyfriend, but his friends and family accepts me as his girlfriend. We don’t hide our relationship. We go out often and to places that aren’t hidden, so we run into people we both know. So far, no one has asked him about his wife, but they do ask about his daughter. Lately, his sister has started working weekends with us and we get along very well. We are also invited, as a couple, to family events.

I do get questions sometimes about how he is able to spend so much time with me. Honestly, I don’t know how to answer those questions since I’ve never asked him what he tells his wife in order to be with me as often as he is. All I know is that when he’s with me, his wife rarely calls him. He could be gone all weekend and she doesn’t bother calling to see how he is or if everything is OK. She doesn’t care. I guess that’s why he’s with me.

How Do You Keep the Magic Alive?

When two people get married, I would hope that it’s because they love and respect each other. But what happens when things change? After all…life happens.

Let’s face it…nothing ever stays the same. If it does, life is boring. Relationships become stagnant. People change. Change is inevitable as they grow. When two people meet and fall in love, it helps if they have some of the same interests, but this doesn’t mean that they need to enjoy doing everything their partner enjoys. A husband may have a passion for fishing, but the wife may hate it. The wife may love going to yoga classes, but the husband doesn’t feel the need to do it himself. Does this mean that the poor guy can never fish again? Does it mean she can never execute another warrior pose? Of course not! Fishing could be done alone, or with the guys. Yoga could be done at home, or with friends at the gym. There’s nothing wrong with a little me time.

Sometimes, it’s hard to make a marriage work with the pressures of careers, unemployment, children, bills, etc. We all need our little outlets. Problems arise when each partner doesn’t respect the other’s need to just have a “me day”. I’ve known people who have stopped doing what they love because their spouse doesn’t enjoy it. I’ve known women who have told their husbands that they couldn’t have a night out with the boys and I’ve known men who will not even consider that their wives would want to go out with the girls. Why should they NOT have this time with friends just because they’re married?

I believe that you are just setting the stage for lies by not “allowing” your spouse to pursue his or her interests. If you won’t allow your husband to have a boys’ night, don’t expect him to NOT lie when he wants to meet some friends at the sports bar. In a marriage, love and respect are important, but isn’t trust also important? If you can’t trust your spouse, what kind of relationship do you really have?

Also, what’s wrong with giving something new a try? How can a woman say she hates something if she’s never tried it? If your husband is asking you to go fishing, or play golf, or hike, why not give it a go? It’s one day out of your life. As for the husbands…go to a flower show or to a day spa if your wife asks. Don’t say “no” all the time. Make an effort.

With all the pressures of day to day life, we all need a place to go that relaxes us. Why not try to make that place your home? If you know your husband is having a rough day at work, why not arrange for someone to watch the kids for an hour or two when he comes home so you could give him a massage, or so he could enjoy his favorite meal in peace. Don’t meet him at the door with MORE problems. Let him relax.

If your wife has had a rough day with the kids, when you get home from work, tell her that you’ll take over childcare for an hour or so, then set up a nice, hot bubble bath for her (complete with scented candles). If you’re extra-tired, ask her for a little time so you could unwind, but let her know that you realize her day was rough, too and that you’re planning something to make her feel better.

Marriage isn’t all roses and kittens, but when each partner makes the effort to please the other, things will work out. Remember to talk to each other (not just about the kids). Remember to show affection. Remember to say “I love you”. This will help keep the magic alive. If a husband or wife feels neglected, unappreciated, unloved or unwanted, it could lead to him or her looking elsewhere for what’s missing.

Does His Wife Even Care That He’s Gone?

With all the crazy weather and flooding happening around here, I have had a roomie for the past 4 days: my man! He spent the day with me last Saturday, went in for an emergency 24 hour shift at 6:00 that night, came here after his shift, but when he tried to get home, all routes were flooded, so he came back to my place. I was on the phone with him as he was on his way home and at some point, he said he would call me back, so I know that he called home. I thought he was calling to see if his daughter wanted him to pick up some take out for her. He was off the phone with me for about 5 minutes, then called me back. A half hour later, he was coming up my stairs and this is where he’s been staying until about an hour ago.

It’s been nice having him here, but it’s also nice knowing that I have my house to myself again. I’ve lived alone for a lot of years and have gotten used to doing what I want, when I want to do it. If I wake up at 3 AM and can’t sleep, I’ll grab my remote and watch TV for a while, or I’ll read for a bit. When I’m ready to fall back asleep, I turn off the TV (or just fall asleep with it on), or put down my Nook. With my man here, if I can’t sleep and want to watch TV or read, I have to actually get out of bed and go to the livingroom. The guy needs to wake up early every morning, so I don’t want to keep him awake too. I’m glad to be back to my own crazy schedule.

Last night was my volleyball night. I left my guy here at 6:00 PM and he met up with me and my friends for the ritual post-volleyball feeding at 8:30. My friends accept that I’m seeing a married man. When they heard that he’s been staying with me this week, they all had the same question: Where does his wife think he is? My answer: I have no clue. What he tells his wife is his business, but I really don’t think she cares where he is. In 4 days, she hasn’t called him at all. He’s called his daughter and his daughter has texted him, but not a word from his wife. Obviously, she doesn’t care that he’s not home and doesn’t care where he is.

True…there are times when she wants him home. She calls to find out when he’ll be home if she has plans to go out and needs him there to watch their daughter or if there’s a bug in the house that needs to be executed. She’s also been known to call to tell him that he needs to take out the garbage. Other than these few little “reminders”, she couldn’t give a rat’s butt where he is or what he’s doing. I don’t understand it, but, that’s the way it is. I’m torn on how I feel about her lack of concern. On one hand, I feel that it’s a good thing because if she did care about him, I wouldn’t have this great guy. On the other hand, I feel bad that this great guy has to live with someone who doesn’t care about him and only wants him for household chores. (Before there’s even more controversy to this whole situation, let me make something clear….neither one of us considers his watching his daughter as a “chore”. We both feel that his time alone with this daughter is important and he looks forward to those times.)

Now that he’s home, he’ll have a chance to clean up after the storms and spend time with his daughter before school starts up again. I’ll use the time alone to do girlie things with my friends, read, walk, and watch cheesy movies (I think tonight’s feature will be “Killer Klowns from Outer Space”). This may sound boring to most people, but sometimes, boring is good.

Am I Really a “Temptress”?????

I was reading a website the other day and saw a post about “the other woman”. One of the comments was about how mistresses are able to “trap” married men in their webs. Did you know that women like me will use expensive French perfume, wear sexy, silk lingerie, have their nails and hair done every week, go to the spa and have cosmetic surgery just so they can lure married men away from their wives? You didn’t? Neither did I.

I was the other woman 9 years ago. I still am the other woman 9 years later. Let me paint a picture of THIS other woman.

Right now, I’m sitting at my computer wearing a ratty pair of boxers (with Marvin the Martian appliqued on one leg) and a t-shirt that I bought at an Army/Navy store about 35 years ago. My hair is pulled back in a high ponytail. It’s a bit humid, so the actual tail is a curly, frizzy mass trailing halfway down my back. My guy called me at 5:30 this morning and by 6:30, I was out taking my daily power walk. I have not had a chance to shower yet. Pretty, right? No….I don’t think so either.

I haven’t been inside a hair salon in about 5 years. My hair care routine is: shampoo, condition, comb, air dry. I’m getting more and more grey by the minute, but I refuse to dye my hair. Every now and then, however, I need a change, so I’ll find an obnoxious color (right now, I have fuchsia in the front and underneath in the back) that washes out eventually.

As for my nails….I’ve had one manicure in my life and hated it! I’ll never go back. I play volleyball, so my nails break. If they do, no biggie….they’ll grow again. If I have unbroken nails for longer than a week, I may put polish on them, but within a day or two, it’s starting to chip. Again….no biggie. Pedicure?!?!?! Forget it! No way!

I don’t think I’ve ever owned expensive perfume, French or otherwise and as for silk lingerie….if it can’t be washed in my washer, I’m not buying it. I do have some lingerie, but not silk and I don’t lounge around in it just waiting for a married man to happen by so I could trap him.

Cosmetic surgery? Ummm…..I rarely wear makeup, so why would I alter anything surgically?

In other words, my web-weaving skills aren’t up to par, so how did I “trap” my married lover? I have no clue! Oh, wait….could it have been that I took the time to get to know him as a friend before any other kind of relationship started? Maybe he likes the idea of a low maintenance woman. Maybe he likes having someone to talk to. He certainly doesn’t want a “temptress” if he’s with me!

My man knows that he can call me, tell me he’ll be here in 1/2 an hour to take me out and I’ll be ready. Don’t get me wrong…I DO dress up every now and then. I may even put on a bit of makeup once a year or so. But for the most part, I’m wash and wear. Some would say that how I’m sitting here now isn’t how I greet my man when he comes by. Well, they would be wrong. The ratty boxers and old t-shirts are my staples. This is how I dress when we’re just hanging out doing things around the house or watching movies. This is how he met me and in 9 years, he hasn’t tried to change me. I have never heard him ask “Are you really going to wear that?” when we go out. He trusts that when we do go out, I will know what I should wear.

I understand the reasoning behind the comments of the woman on that other site. Maybe she found out that her husband was cheating and she needed a reason that didn’t involve putting the blame on herself. Who knows? Maybe her husband did fall for someone who used “tricks” to get him. I know there are women who claim to only date married men, but unless these men are super-rich, and are financing the expensive “props” and cosmetic surgery, I can’t imagine anyone going through all that trouble on their own to trap an average Joe. Instead of that woman looking for traps and webs of the other woman, she should look within. She needs to talk to her husband. For a lot of men, it’s not all about sex and looks. Does she have a guy who just can’t be monogamous, or is she not giving her husband what he needs? The sooner she finds out what’s wrong in her marriage, the sooner she can either fix it, or move on.

Why Would Anyone Want a Married Man?

I don’t think any woman wakes up one morning and says to herself, “Gee…I think I’m going to go out and find a married man to have an affair with today.” Think about it…who would want a man who cheats?

I realize that my situation is probably different than a lot of other affair situations. I was friends with my man before taking the leap into having an affair. I had known him for about 20 years. True, I had lost track of him for a while and didn’t realize that he was married at the time we got reacquainted, but when we did see each other again, we started a friendship. For about a year, he was very careful not to mention the fact that he had gotten married during the time I hadn’t seen him. If I had known from the beginning, I have no idea what would have happened. I know we would have had a great friendship, since we have a great friendship now. As for becoming romantically involved with him, I honestly don’t know. During the friendship, if he had told me about what was happening in his marriage, the relationship may have progressed to what it is now, or maybe not. All I know is that it happened. Do I regret that he wasn’t honest in the beginning? Of course. I would have liked to have been able to make an informed decision as to where our relationship was going.

In the beginning, I ignored all the signs. I never even thought that he could be married. He worked 3 jobs and I was always doing things with other friends and such. We were both busy people and it just made sense that most of our contact was at my house where he rented a garage. Besides, he spent so much time by my house that I wouldn’t have thought a wife would put up with it. He was here all day on Saturdays and a lot of nights after working one job and before he went to his other job.

During the years, I’ve gone through being so mad at him for lying that I never wanted to see him again, to realizing that I wanted to be with him, to giving him ultimatums, to finally being at peace with the situation. The ups and downs were insane, but I got through them. That poor man has been yelled at by me so much, sometimes it surprises me that he’s still around!

My situation is also different in the amount of the time we spend together. There aren’t that many “other women” who have this much time. I have Saturdays and most weeknights. We don’t hide. We go out all the time, we work together, we go visit friends and family together. I haven’t heard of many men who are having affairs that will bring their mistresses to visit their relatives.

My advice to anyone thinking of dating a married man (or woman) would be: DON’T DO IT! Well, at least not right away. Take the time to know the situation. Does his wife love him? Does she believe he’s happy in the marriage? Does she make time for him? I would also try to find out if he’s ever had another affair. There are some serial cheaters out there. I know for a fact that my man has never before cheated on someone he was with. I know that his wife doesn’t care what he does or where he goes as long as he pays the bills. I also know that he hasn’t cheated on ME. He wouldn’t have the time. We spend so much time together and even when he leaves, he’s on the phone with me. I’m his “commute entertainment”. He calls every morning as he’s driving to work, then texts me during the day on his breaks, calls again when he’s on his way here after work, and calls the minute he leaves me so we can talk until he gets home. Not all affairs are like this. Some women are lucky to get one night a month with their married men.

So, if you’re thinking it would be great to be with a married man, think again. There’s a lot of craziness to go through before you come to the “happy place” I’m at right now. I know we sometimes can’t help who we love, but if the one you love is married, it’s so much harder. If you do decide that the one you love is worth it, then just keep your eyes open. Also, don’t sit around waiting for him. Keep busy. Go out and have fun. His life doesn’t stop when he’s not with you, so why should yours?

It’s Been a Long Time….

As the summer progresses, I’m realizing that the 9th anniversary with my man is coming. Nine years. That’s a long time.

Through the years, I’ve gone from frustration at not being able to be with him, to telling him it had to be over, to wanting him to get our affair out into the open and move in with me, to where I am now, which is pretty much content with the way things are. I don’t know if that’s a good thing, but I’m relatively happy. I say I don’t know if it’s a good thing because I sometimes wonder if my apathy means I just don’t care about him as much anymore.

Actually, after 9 years, I’ve come to realize that we’re not only lovers; we’re also best friends. It’s not that I don’t care about him, it’s that I care more than ever and I’m just more secure in our relationship. It’s been a long time coming, but I’m now in a place where I don’t need him living with me to know that HE cares. Yes….sometimes it feels like we’re kids with a curfew, but as time goes by, the times I feel like this are few and far between. We enjoy our time together and neither of us want to give it up.

Now that it’s summer, we have a lot more time together. We work together on weekends and most weekends, he stays with me. It makes more sense that way. He lives about an hour away from the shop, I’m only 10 minutes away. When a job calls for us to be at the shop by 5:30 AM, being 10 minutes away is a good thing. Also, we don’t end our day until at least midnight most times. After working that long, he’s exhausted, so the hour drive simply isn’t doable. I have no idea what he tells his wife when he’s gone all weekend. I don’t ask because I really don’t need to know. I do know one thing: his wife doesn’t care if he’s home or not.

In the 9 years we’ve been together, we’ve worked weekends together for 5 of those years. In the beginning, he went home after each job. Little by little, he’s been staying with me more and more. When we work, it’s usually at a street fair or some kind of festival. When we work a public event, I used to worry that his wife would bring his daughter to one of them. She hasn’t.

As this 9th anniversary approaches, I think of the progress we’ve made over the years. We’ve had fights, we’ve helped each other when we were sick, we’ve had serious discussions, we’ve worked and we’ve played. I’ve come a long way since the early years when I was so unsure of him and his feelings for me. Over the years, he’s made it a point to show me how important I am in his life. I think at this point in our relationship, he’s the one who’s starting to feel a bit insecure. He knows he can’t stop me from doing things without him and he sees that I’m taking full advantage of our time apart. Who knows…..maybe in another 9 years, HE’LL be secure too.

Happy anniversary!