Tag Archive | cheating

Cheating Isn’t Always Black and White…There are Shades of Grey – Part 2

When I started this blog, I knew I would get trashed.  It’s inevitable.  This is a very touchy subject and I understand that.  I just wish that people who feel the need to psycho-analyze me and my relationship actually would READ my posts….ALL of them….before trying to pass judgement!

Yes, there are “serial cheaters”.  But sometimes, there are those who cheat because they were emotionally abandoned by their spouses (I’m talking about both men and women here).  So, if one is emotionally abandoned, what do you do?  Do you stay with the spouse, knowing you will never get another hug, or kiss, or kind word?  Do you live in misery for the rest of your life?  Even if you never dreamed you would cheat, if you resigned yourself to the sexless, loveless life you found yourself in, what would you do if you met someone who was willing to give you a hug, or talk to you, or laugh with you?  Cheating is not black and white…there really are shades of grey.  I’ve said over and over again that not all relationships are the same.  No one outside of ANY relationship knows what happens on the inside.  I have no delusions.  I’m sure my guy and his wife DO talk civilly to each other when they have to.  She will always be the mother of his child.  There will always be that bond.  But that doesn’t mean that there is a real marriage there.

When my man and I go out, whether it’s with friends or alone, people view us as the “old married couple”.  We know each other so well we finish each other’s sentences (sounds cliche, but it’s true), we know when to give the other distance, we can make each other laugh.   We hold hands in the car, or when we’re walking down the street.  We steal kisses when we work together.  We know each other’s faults and can call each other on them.

There are waiters and waitresses who know us as a couple and probably would be shocked to know that we’re not married to each other.   If I go to our favorite diner without him, someone always asks about my “husband”.

Is this the ideal situation?  Of course not!  Certainly I would have preferred to meet a nice SINGLE guy, but I didn’t.  I met him.  I didn’t go out looking for a married man, and in the beginning, I also didn’t expect to be in a relationship with him.  That was because he’s so much younger than me.  I didn’t know he was married in the beginning.  Maybe I should have ended it when I found out, but I didn’t.  Things progressed to where we are now and there’s no point looking back.

People are going to judge me whether they know me or not.  I just wish that before judging, they look into themselves and ask those “what ifs”.

Cheating Isn’t Always Black and White…There are Shades of Grey – Part 1

I received a comment today from someone who thinks they know who I am.   This person also feels that they know what my relationship with my married lover is all about.   For the record, I copied and pasted the comment as is.  I didn’t change a word in the original;  just added MY comments.  Here it is (with my comments in bold italics):

Ma’am you are just a piece of tail at this point. And at your age, you should be ashamed for not requiring more of this guy. The reason you are still with this man and allow him to treat you this way is because you have low self esteem. (Can someone my age REALLY be considered “just a piece of tail”?  I guess I always thought of “a piece of tail” as someone much younger.  My bad.  Why should I be ashamed of not requiring more of this guy?  I’m a self-sufficient woman.  I don’t need a man to support me.  My self-esteem is quite good, thank you very much.  I like myself enough to want to spend time with me.) You care about this man deeply and think because he spends a few days a week with you he’s committed- but those no such thing as a 50% commitment- you are being used and he and his buddies are laughing at you even as I type this e-mail.(Yes, I do care deeply about this man and I know he cares deeply about me.  This is not because he spends a few days a week with me.  This is because he shows me every day how much he cares.  I know most of his friends and I can assure you that they are NOT laughing at me.  Well….when we’re all together, we do laugh a lot, but that’s something different, isn’t it?) I guarantee you if you put your foot down and say to this guy, leave your wife and be with me, he would NOT do that and you would be s.o.l.(I know he wouldn’t leave his wife at this time.  I have no delusions about that.  It’s not the right time.  His child is young and needs him there.  He’s very involved in her life and that’s how it SHOULD be.  So, I don’t feel that I would be “S.O.L”.  Let’s continue, shall we?) You’re probably saying “I don’t want him to leave his wife, I like it this way” but the truth is you’ve learned to tolerate it this way because that is all he will allow you.(Really?  I only “tolerate” this because this is all he “allows” me to have?  Yes, there was a point where I thought I wanted him to leave his wife and be with me.  We talked about this.  Right now, it’s not possible.  I don’t tolerate it, I accept it.) It’s embarrassing to be the Other Women- because no one respects you. People view you as the fool, the whore, the homewrecker and you think you’ve got the advantage.(I’m not in the least embarrassed.  You are someone who really doesn’t know me.  Not only do you not know me, or my man, you haven’t read my whole blog.  His family invites me to their homes for birthdays, anniversaries, dinner, dessert and just to play a game of dominoes.  I’ve been there when his cousins and aunts have asked him when he’s going to leave his wife.  They don’t like her.  She has never made any effort to get along with them.  She will not go see them, nor will she let him bring their daughter to see them.  Because of this, his daughter has cousins she sadly does not know.  Is this fair?) You’re probably thinking- “oh his poor wife”(Nope…never thought this at all), but she’s the one with the house ( I have a house of my own), the car (I also have a car that I love), the kids (OMGs!!  I have kids!!!  They’re just not HIS kids, but he gets along with them very nicely.), the life and his balls in a vice (LOL!!!  Yeah…I’ll admit that I have mentioned the balls to him a time or two.  Only I ask if they’re detachable and are put on a shelf when he walks into his house.) and you are a gardener who comes and visits you to rake the leaves twice a week?(Not fair!!!  I help rake the leaves!!!  But seriously, it’s not so much that he does these things for me…we SHARE the work.  If he’s doing work on his cars, I’m there talking to him.  It’s not about him being my gardener…it’s about sharing time.) I am only 29 and I am sure there are a lot of things I don’t understand about marriage, but I do know statistically speaking men most often do NOT leave their wives for the other women- because they don’t have to.(You’re right, you really don’t understand at all.  Divorce is expensive and there are woman who make things far more difficult than they should when it comes to visitation.  I know the statistics.  I also know that if the time comes when I NEED him to live with me for whatever reason, and he refuses, he will no longer be welcome in my home.  But, as I’ve said in other posts, I really do like my alone time.)   The other women is stupid enough to believe that this arrangement is ok and therefore stays engaged in it all the while the guy is living the dream.(He’s not rich.  If he was “living the dream”, he’d be retired in his mansion on the hill.) He tells you “my wife doesn’t understand me, my wife knows I don’t love her, my wife doesn’t sleep with me” all of these are lies (Actually, we don’t talk about his wife much.  She is the mother of his child and I really don’t agree with the trash talk some people engage in.  The only time she pops up in conversation is when he’s so frustrated when he’s not “allowed” to bring his daughter places alone.) - every day he goes home to his wife and tries to make up for cheating on her (He usually gets home very late.  She doesn’t wait up.  I know this….I’ve driven him home the few times his car was in the shop.  She doesn’t even leave a light on for him.) and you are home alone in bed deep down inside hoping that he’ll leave her to be with you (Puleeze!!!  Really?!?!?!  He leaves me and immediately calls me so we can talk on his way home.  When we hang up, I either go to sleep or lie in bed reading, which is something I couldn’t do if he were with me.  If he leaves his wife, that will be HIS choice.). But you better hope that never happens- because then you’ll be his women while sound other lady talks about you- who happens to be his “other women’(IF he ever does leave his wife and moves in with me, I will not make the mistakes that she has made.  I talk to him, I let him vent about work, I actually pay attention to him.). With all due respect ma’am, grow up and stop stealing what doesn’t belong to you (I didn’t “steal” anything.  She let him go.). Find someone who can be devoted to you- you really want that you just don’t think you can get it (I do have someone who is devoted to me.  He just doesn’t live with me.  And, FYI, I get asked out quite a bit. I choose not to accept because, contrary to what you would like to believe, I’m happy.). Good luck

TO BE CONTINUED………

 

 

Sugar or Equal to Help With That Bitterness?

I have received my first negative comment on this blog! Unfortunately, it was from someone who really never read through my posts. Rather than just send a reply, I thought I’d share. Here is the comment:

Right now, I’m raising my arms above my head, trying to pull my brain back into my body. Are you fucking serious? You wasted 9 years as the OW? Just mind blowing.

I’m not the OW (just take a guess at my role), though I do know her. She’s an imbecile. If that’s what men really want, go at it. Us smarter, more evolved women will be standing here on the hill laughing our asses off on the way to divorce court. And also laughing our asses off knowing that you’re only a piece of ass not even worthy of public recognition.

Let’s pick this apart, shall we? First of all, I do believe I have a post up that’s titled “Wasting Time?”. I’ll go over this again. How can it be considered wasting time when I’m living my life? I’m not sitting around just waiting for my man to come here, and when he IS here, we certainly aren’t hiding. We go out at least twice a week, but usually more. We go out with friends, we visit family (both his and mine), he helps me with the yard work, he’s currently helping me with some home renovations, we go shopping, we cook together, we watch movies, we laugh and we fight.   In other words, we have a REAL relationship.

Going by the second paragraph, I’m guessing that this comment is from a woman who has a cheating husband.  Well, I’m sorry about that.  Maybe she could benefit from my posts about how a wife could save her marriage by paying some attention to her husband.   My relationship started off as a friendship.  We spent hours talking.  We still spend hours talking.  Contrary to your belief, there are men out there who are cheating on their wives not for the sex, but for the emotional connection and the conversation.  The sex is a perk.

I think it’s sad that this person feels that her trip to divorce court is a laughing matter.  Obviously, the marriage wasn’t worth that much to begin with if divorce  was the only option she could think of.   It makes me wonder if she did anything to try to save her marriage.   Honestly, I’ve never been in that situation, but I would think that if the marriage was important, the one being cheated on (whether it’s the man or woman) would talk to their spouse and ask “Why?”.   She calls the other woman an “imbecile” and refers to the wives of cheaters as being more evolved.  I would think that a more evolved woman would  try to understand why her husband found the need to cheat.   Maybe there’s a chance to turn things around.

Don’t waste time on bitterness.   You chose the easy way out (divorce) rather than do the work it would take to save the marriage.  Your loss.  I just hope that if there are children involved, you decide to take the high road and not bad-mouth their father and (if he’s still with his mistress), his new girlfriend.   Don’t transfer your bitterness to your kids.  No matter what happened with you, the kids love their dad.  Let them have a relationship with him.

In closing, I’d like to say one more thing.  It’s now MY turn to laugh my ass off!  I’m nothing but a piece of ass?????  I think I’ve gotten the point across that I’m NOT just a piece of ass, but, at my age, I’m happy that someone would THINK  I’m a piece of ass!!!  So….thank you!

 

Do friends accept your affair?

When I first started seeing my married boyfriend, I lost a couple of friends. There was a group of us who met online and the friendships extended to real life. One of the group didn’t approve of my relationship. She had a husband who cheated on her, so she couldn’t understand why I would continue to date this man after I found out he was married. She convinced another of the group that I was not someone to be associated with, so, two friends….gone. I understand why they felt they needed to separate from me and didn’t try to convince them that what I was doing was right. How could I? I wasn’t sure if it was “right”.

As my relationship goes on, I find more ways to keep myself busy. One of the things I did was to sign up for volleyball two nights a week at the local high school. Each night after playing, a few of us would go out for what we call the “after volleyball pig-out”. During the off seasons, all of us try to get together at least once and a few of us will meet for dinner a couple of times a month. Sometimes my guy comes with me, but most times, it’s just a night out with the girls. They all know my situation and they accept it. I’m not saying it was easy in the beginning, but as they see how much time he spends with me, they see that what I have with my guy isn’t all about sex.

The way I see it, if you truly know someone, you know their character. Since my friends know me, they know that I’m not one who would deliberately break up a family. They have also come to know him and they accept us as a couple. None of them feels uncomfortable about our relationship. It’s good to have friends who don’t judge.

Not only do my friends accept him as my boyfriend, but his friends and family accepts me as his girlfriend. We don’t hide our relationship. We go out often and to places that aren’t hidden, so we run into people we both know. So far, no one has asked him about his wife, but they do ask about his daughter. Lately, his sister has started working weekends with us and we get along very well. We are also invited, as a couple, to family events.

I do get questions sometimes about how he is able to spend so much time with me. Honestly, I don’t know how to answer those questions since I’ve never asked him what he tells his wife in order to be with me as often as he is. All I know is that when he’s with me, his wife rarely calls him. He could be gone all weekend and she doesn’t bother calling to see how he is or if everything is OK. She doesn’t care. I guess that’s why he’s with me.

Am I Really a “Temptress”?????

I was reading a website the other day and saw a post about “the other woman”. One of the comments was about how mistresses are able to “trap” married men in their webs. Did you know that women like me will use expensive French perfume, wear sexy, silk lingerie, have their nails and hair done every week, go to the spa and have cosmetic surgery just so they can lure married men away from their wives? You didn’t? Neither did I.

I was the other woman 9 years ago. I still am the other woman 9 years later. Let me paint a picture of THIS other woman.

Right now, I’m sitting at my computer wearing a ratty pair of boxers (with Marvin the Martian appliqued on one leg) and a t-shirt that I bought at an Army/Navy store about 35 years ago. My hair is pulled back in a high ponytail. It’s a bit humid, so the actual tail is a curly, frizzy mass trailing halfway down my back. My guy called me at 5:30 this morning and by 6:30, I was out taking my daily power walk. I have not had a chance to shower yet. Pretty, right? No….I don’t think so either.

I haven’t been inside a hair salon in about 5 years. My hair care routine is: shampoo, condition, comb, air dry. I’m getting more and more grey by the minute, but I refuse to dye my hair. Every now and then, however, I need a change, so I’ll find an obnoxious color (right now, I have fuchsia in the front and underneath in the back) that washes out eventually.

As for my nails….I’ve had one manicure in my life and hated it! I’ll never go back. I play volleyball, so my nails break. If they do, no biggie….they’ll grow again. If I have unbroken nails for longer than a week, I may put polish on them, but within a day or two, it’s starting to chip. Again….no biggie. Pedicure?!?!?! Forget it! No way!

I don’t think I’ve ever owned expensive perfume, French or otherwise and as for silk lingerie….if it can’t be washed in my washer, I’m not buying it. I do have some lingerie, but not silk and I don’t lounge around in it just waiting for a married man to happen by so I could trap him.

Cosmetic surgery? Ummm…..I rarely wear makeup, so why would I alter anything surgically?

In other words, my web-weaving skills aren’t up to par, so how did I “trap” my married lover? I have no clue! Oh, wait….could it have been that I took the time to get to know him as a friend before any other kind of relationship started? Maybe he likes the idea of a low maintenance woman. Maybe he likes having someone to talk to. He certainly doesn’t want a “temptress” if he’s with me!

My man knows that he can call me, tell me he’ll be here in 1/2 an hour to take me out and I’ll be ready. Don’t get me wrong…I DO dress up every now and then. I may even put on a bit of makeup once a year or so. But for the most part, I’m wash and wear. Some would say that how I’m sitting here now isn’t how I greet my man when he comes by. Well, they would be wrong. The ratty boxers and old t-shirts are my staples. This is how I dress when we’re just hanging out doing things around the house or watching movies. This is how he met me and in 9 years, he hasn’t tried to change me. I have never heard him ask “Are you really going to wear that?” when we go out. He trusts that when we do go out, I will know what I should wear.

I understand the reasoning behind the comments of the woman on that other site. Maybe she found out that her husband was cheating and she needed a reason that didn’t involve putting the blame on herself. Who knows? Maybe her husband did fall for someone who used “tricks” to get him. I know there are women who claim to only date married men, but unless these men are super-rich, and are financing the expensive “props” and cosmetic surgery, I can’t imagine anyone going through all that trouble on their own to trap an average Joe. Instead of that woman looking for traps and webs of the other woman, she should look within. She needs to talk to her husband. For a lot of men, it’s not all about sex and looks. Does she have a guy who just can’t be monogamous, or is she not giving her husband what he needs? The sooner she finds out what’s wrong in her marriage, the sooner she can either fix it, or move on.

Why Would Anyone Want a Married Man?

I don’t think any woman wakes up one morning and says to herself, “Gee…I think I’m going to go out and find a married man to have an affair with today.” Think about it…who would want a man who cheats?

I realize that my situation is probably different than a lot of other affair situations. I was friends with my man before taking the leap into having an affair. I had known him for about 20 years. True, I had lost track of him for a while and didn’t realize that he was married at the time we got reacquainted, but when we did see each other again, we started a friendship. For about a year, he was very careful not to mention the fact that he had gotten married during the time I hadn’t seen him. If I had known from the beginning, I have no idea what would have happened. I know we would have had a great friendship, since we have a great friendship now. As for becoming romantically involved with him, I honestly don’t know. During the friendship, if he had told me about what was happening in his marriage, the relationship may have progressed to what it is now, or maybe not. All I know is that it happened. Do I regret that he wasn’t honest in the beginning? Of course. I would have liked to have been able to make an informed decision as to where our relationship was going.

In the beginning, I ignored all the signs. I never even thought that he could be married. He worked 3 jobs and I was always doing things with other friends and such. We were both busy people and it just made sense that most of our contact was at my house where he rented a garage. Besides, he spent so much time by my house that I wouldn’t have thought a wife would put up with it. He was here all day on Saturdays and a lot of nights after working one job and before he went to his other job.

During the years, I’ve gone through being so mad at him for lying that I never wanted to see him again, to realizing that I wanted to be with him, to giving him ultimatums, to finally being at peace with the situation. The ups and downs were insane, but I got through them. That poor man has been yelled at by me so much, sometimes it surprises me that he’s still around!

My situation is also different in the amount of the time we spend together. There aren’t that many “other women” who have this much time. I have Saturdays and most weeknights. We don’t hide. We go out all the time, we work together, we go visit friends and family together. I haven’t heard of many men who are having affairs that will bring their mistresses to visit their relatives.

My advice to anyone thinking of dating a married man (or woman) would be: DON’T DO IT! Well, at least not right away. Take the time to know the situation. Does his wife love him? Does she believe he’s happy in the marriage? Does she make time for him? I would also try to find out if he’s ever had another affair. There are some serial cheaters out there. I know for a fact that my man has never before cheated on someone he was with. I know that his wife doesn’t care what he does or where he goes as long as he pays the bills. I also know that he hasn’t cheated on ME. He wouldn’t have the time. We spend so much time together and even when he leaves, he’s on the phone with me. I’m his “commute entertainment”. He calls every morning as he’s driving to work, then texts me during the day on his breaks, calls again when he’s on his way here after work, and calls the minute he leaves me so we can talk until he gets home. Not all affairs are like this. Some women are lucky to get one night a month with their married men.

So, if you’re thinking it would be great to be with a married man, think again. There’s a lot of craziness to go through before you come to the “happy place” I’m at right now. I know we sometimes can’t help who we love, but if the one you love is married, it’s so much harder. If you do decide that the one you love is worth it, then just keep your eyes open. Also, don’t sit around waiting for him. Keep busy. Go out and have fun. His life doesn’t stop when he’s not with you, so why should yours?

It’s Been a Long Time….

As the summer progresses, I’m realizing that the 9th anniversary with my man is coming. Nine years. That’s a long time.

Through the years, I’ve gone from frustration at not being able to be with him, to telling him it had to be over, to wanting him to get our affair out into the open and move in with me, to where I am now, which is pretty much content with the way things are. I don’t know if that’s a good thing, but I’m relatively happy. I say I don’t know if it’s a good thing because I sometimes wonder if my apathy means I just don’t care about him as much anymore.

Actually, after 9 years, I’ve come to realize that we’re not only lovers; we’re also best friends. It’s not that I don’t care about him, it’s that I care more than ever and I’m just more secure in our relationship. It’s been a long time coming, but I’m now in a place where I don’t need him living with me to know that HE cares. Yes….sometimes it feels like we’re kids with a curfew, but as time goes by, the times I feel like this are few and far between. We enjoy our time together and neither of us want to give it up.

Now that it’s summer, we have a lot more time together. We work together on weekends and most weekends, he stays with me. It makes more sense that way. He lives about an hour away from the shop, I’m only 10 minutes away. When a job calls for us to be at the shop by 5:30 AM, being 10 minutes away is a good thing. Also, we don’t end our day until at least midnight most times. After working that long, he’s exhausted, so the hour drive simply isn’t doable. I have no idea what he tells his wife when he’s gone all weekend. I don’t ask because I really don’t need to know. I do know one thing: his wife doesn’t care if he’s home or not.

In the 9 years we’ve been together, we’ve worked weekends together for 5 of those years. In the beginning, he went home after each job. Little by little, he’s been staying with me more and more. When we work, it’s usually at a street fair or some kind of festival. When we work a public event, I used to worry that his wife would bring his daughter to one of them. She hasn’t.

As this 9th anniversary approaches, I think of the progress we’ve made over the years. We’ve had fights, we’ve helped each other when we were sick, we’ve had serious discussions, we’ve worked and we’ve played. I’ve come a long way since the early years when I was so unsure of him and his feelings for me. Over the years, he’s made it a point to show me how important I am in his life. I think at this point in our relationship, he’s the one who’s starting to feel a bit insecure. He knows he can’t stop me from doing things without him and he sees that I’m taking full advantage of our time apart. Who knows…..maybe in another 9 years, HE’LL be secure too.

Happy anniversary!

Waste of Time?

I have friends who have asked me why I’m wasting my time being with a married man Someone looking to get married may consider this a waste of time, but I don’t.

When you’re with a married man, you need to accept that it is what it is. There are things you can’t expect. You can’t expect him to leave his wife for you because sometimes, it’s just not possible. You can’t expect him to pay your bills. You can’t expect to go on a real vacation with him. You can’t expect to be able to call him any time of the day or night. You can’t expect him to be with you on “family” holidays. If you don’t expect anything, whatever extra time you have with him is gold.

This past holiday weekend, my guy and I worked together every day, so he stayed with me from Friday night to Tuesday morning. That was unusual. He left me for a few hours on Saturday night to take his daughter to see the fireworks, but when he brought her home, he came back to me.

I see my man more then most “mistresses” see their men. He’s with me almost every day after work and almost every Saturday. He’s only not with me when he has plans with his daughter. I like spending time with him. We genuinely like each other. We could spend hours talking, we go to restaurants, we watch movies, we do yard work and house work, we take day trips. We also work together on some weekends. I don’t think many other “other women” get that much time with their guys.

So, if you know you’ll have a lot of time alone, you need hobbies! I read a lot, I play video games, I play volleyball, I take long walks, I go out with friends. I keep myself very occupied. How is this wasting time???? As I’ve said, I don’t want to get married again. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Right now, I’m in a relationship that gives me time to be alone to do what I want to do just for me.

Right now, there’s no one else I’m interested in. One thing I’ve been upfront about is that if I meet someone I’m interested in and have the opportunity to date, I will. After 8 years of being with my married lover, I will give him the option to either get our relationship out in the open (I mean with his wife since everyone else knows about us) or let me go. It’s only fair that I discuss this with him.

No, I don’t consider this relationship as a waste of time. A waste of time would be if I just sat home waiting for him to call or come over and let life pass me by. That’s not what I do. Yeah, it would be nice to go away with him every now and then, but I’ll take what I can. In the meantime, I’m enjoying my life.

Things I Don’t Get….#1

There are many things I don’t get when it comes to my situation. One thing I don’t get is: If you love your husband and want to keep him, why did you alienate him?

My man is a good man. He does his best to support his family. All he asked for in return was some attention and affection. He got neither. As soon as his daughter was born, things changed. His wife no longer wanted him to touch her. Not just in a sexual way, either. She stopped wanting him to kiss her or even hug her. She told him that her doctor told her that the birth turned off a “switch” in her, which triggered an early menopause, that made her lose all interest in any form of affection.

I’m not buying it. True, I’m not a doctor, but I’ve never heard of such a “switch”. I know that some women DO lose an interest in sex during menopause, but I’ve never heard of any doctor telling a woman to just accept it because nothing can be done to help. This is a woman who is older than her husband by a few years. How could she expect him, at the age of 35, to accept that not only will he never have sex again, but he also will never get to cuddle or be kissed?

After a few years of being rejected and hearing excuses, he turned to me. I guess we got reacquainted at the right time. Our relationship started out as a friendship. In the beginning, there was no sex. It progressed slowly from talking, to hugging and kissing, then finally to sex. When I found out he was married, before I went any further with the relationship, I told him to try to make things work with his wife. I had been through having kids myself and know how tiring it can be. But I also know that kids sleep, and that leaves mommy and daddy alone time to do whatever: watch a movie while snuggled up on the couch, have a romantic dinner (candles and takeout will do), put on some sexy lingerie and see where it goes….

OK…so I suggested he try to make things work with his wife. When his daughter was born, he bought his wife some lingerie that she never wore. She told him that when they got a house, she would wear it, so he went home one night and laid it out on the bed. She went to the bedroom and he gave her some time before he went upstairs. When he got to the bedroom, the lingerie was no longer on the bed, but it also was not on his wife. She was in flannels, said she was tired and wanted to sleep alone. HELLO!!!! Your man TRIED to do something nice, and you reject him? That was when he started sleeping on the couch. She’s never asked if he was ever coming back to the bedroom. She’s also never tried to be affectionate towards him.

I get that having and caring for a baby is tiring. I did it myself….TWICE….with a man who never helped. He was like my third kid. My ex-husband never came with me to doctor’s appointments (pre-natal or pediatrician). He only agreed to be in the delivery room with me because I wanted to have natural childbirth and told him that if he wouldn’t be there, I would have a gay, male friend with me who was very excited about the birth. My ex-husband never gave either kid a bath, never fed them, never changed a diaper, never came with us to the park. To this day, even as my kids are grown, he does nothing. My older son lives 4 hours away from his father and my ex has never made the effort to see where his son lives. I had to do it all: cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, childcare. My man is not like that. He was there in every way: at doctor’s appointments, helping with feedings, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping. His wife didn’t appreciate any of it. Now, he has me. I appreciate all he does for me (and he does a lot).

He still does all the work around his house and takes care of his daughter when his wife goes out. He cooks for his daughter and brings her special treats. You may ask, “What good is it? He’s never home!” He’s home when he’s needed. He’s home every Sunday to do chores around the house. He’s at his daughter’s school for special events. He participates in every Father/Daughter event. If he’s not home before her bedtime, he calls his daughter to talk about her day and to say good night. His daughter knows he cares about her.

So, I really don’t get how a woman, who has a good man, just throws him away.

How does family fit in?

I don’t think any woman plans on having a relationship with a married man. I also don’t think that any woman plans on a one night stand with a married man. I know being with a married man wasn’t on MY list of “Things to Do” (no pun intended).

In the beginning, I didn’t know that the guy I was interested in was married. He didn’t exactly lie, but he omitted that bit of information. Lies of omission…just as bad as an actual lie and 8 years later, I’m still reminding him of that. Yes, it takes me a while to let go of things.

OK, so here we are, 8 years later. I’ve known for 7 years that he’s married, yet I’m still with him. Why? Because we love each other and our relationship, for the most part, works. There are ups and downs, but isn’t that true with any relationship?

Little by little, over the years, I’ve heard stories about his wife. For the most part, she’s not a very nice person. I don’t say this because it’s what he tells me. I say this because I hear it from others who know her, mostly, his family. Apparently, from the beginning of his relationship with his wife, she alienated him from his family. He has a 10 year old daughter that most of his family hasn’t seen in years because his wife refuses to go visit them. She also refuses to let him bring his daughter to visit. Personally, I don’t think this is very fair to his daughter because she has cousins she’s never met. There isn’t one person in his family that will say anything nice about this woman. From what I understand, she also didn’t like his mother and made it very difficult for him whenever he went to visit her while she was dying.

There have been some changes in the past couple of years. First of all, he actually visits members of his family. Sometimes he goes alone, but most times, he brings me. When they invite him, they ask him to bring me. When they see me, they give me big hugs and kisses and treat me like part of the family. The other day, we were at his aunt’s house and one of his cousins asked why he was still living with his wife when it’s obvious he’s not happy with her. His answer was that he needs to be there for his daughter. During this visit, his aunt brought out her antique dominoes set and we played for 2 hours. His visits have become the talk of the family. They hadn’t seen him in so long except in passing, that they’re thrilled that he’s coming around again. They miss him and blame his wife for his absence. It’s really nice seeing my guy reconnect with his family. He’s happier, they’re happier and all is good.