Tag Archive | dating a married man

It’s Been a LONG Busy Summer!

Hi, all!!!!

I can’t believe I haven’t posted here since the beginning of July!  I’ve been so busy, I haven’t even had time to think about things here.

Anyway…all is well in my world.  Like I said, we’ve just been really, really busy!  The summer was full of street fairs and private parties and in between those, we’ve been trying to fix up a rental apartment.   My son finally moved out, but now I have to pretend to be a REAL landlord and get things “renter friendly”.  Not many people would like my kid’s color-scheme (black bedroom, red kitchen and dark blue living room), so my guy and I have been painting, plastering and dry-walling the place.   Thank goodness I’m not in a rush to do this!!!  I’ll be gone most of December and I’d rather not have strangers left alone in the house.

Yes, I’m still with my guy.  I’m sure some have wondered about that since I’ve been silent for so long.  In fact, last weekend, we worked our last Halloween party of the year (every year, I get to be “undead chick” in the casket), so tomorrow, we’re going to re-start the painting.  Yep.  Being the other woman is just SO glamorous!

Now, let’s get caught up:

In July, I was a phone-in guest on the Jennifer Keitt Show based out of Atlanta.  I had never done anything like that and had no idea what to expect.  Personally, I don’t think it went well at all.  Another guest on the show was a friend of Jennifer’s who wrote a book titled “The Mistress Code”.  She was an in-studio guest.  I was asked for my story, which I gave, but I wasn’t given an opportunity to rebut what this other guest (who came on after me) said.  According to her, I was breaking “The Mistress Code” by sitting at home making myself available to my guy any time he wanted me.  She said that I wasn’t living my own life.  She came to this conclusion because I mentioned that I see my guy almost every day.

Obviously, this woman nRehobeth Beach 1ever read my posts, and if Jennifer Keitt read them, she didn’t contradict her friend’s assessment of my situation.  If my posts were read, they would clearly see that while I do see my guy just about every day, I certainly do live my own life.  He knows my schedule for volleyball and I let him know when I will be out with the girls.  In fact, a couple of friends and I just went to Rehoboth Beach, DE to check out the outlet malls and Dogfish Head Brewery!  I also have plans with these friends to be in Key West for New Year’s Eve!  Aside from the weekly volleyball, my friends and I take at least one night a month to do a girls’ night.  Doesn’t sound like I’m sitting home waiting for him to call, does it?  I didn’t realize that I wouldn’t be given a chance to explain all this.  It was pretty one-sided on both sides, which really wasn’t right.  But…live and learn.

There were street fairs up the wazoo all summer, so my weekends were long.  We had to be at the shop by 5 AM to load the trucks, get to the gigs and set up to be ready for start times.  If a street fair is over at 6 PM, we wouldn’t get out of there until at least 9 PM (break-down is tough when you are trying to pack thousands of pounds of rubber), which meant home around 1 AM.  Needless to say, there weren’t many “romantic” weekends!!!  LOL!

But, as busy as we’ve been, we still make time for each other even if it’s just an hour or so after he gets out of work.  He still calls me every morning and after work, so we get to catch up with each other that way.

I need to end this here now.  I’ve been up since 5:30 AM and I’m exhausted!  If anyone has any questions, just send along a comment and I’ll answer as soon as I get it.  Good night, all!!!

 

Coming to Terms

I’ve been with my MM for quite a few years now, so I’ve gone through all of the ups, downs and in-betweens of this relationship.  I started off not knowing that this great guy that I had known for years and just became re-acquainted with was married.  When I found out, we were one year into this and sometimes, I ask myself how I didn’t realize something was up.   But, hind-sight is 20/20.

Even when I saw the evidence (his mom’s obituary), I still couldn’t really believe it because it was from a couple of years earlier, so anything could have happened in that time.  The one thing I did was start looking for signs:  female items left in his car (none), longer hair stuck to the passenger seat (never), him using the term “we need to get <whatever> for the house” when I knew he didn’t mean “we” as in him and me (not once).  I let it go because I figured that if there was something he needed to tell me, he would.  After all, we talked about (just about) everything.

When the truth finally came out, I was livid!  His wife had called me, but not to confront me for being the other woman.  It was to explain why people were in my yard taking pictures of one of his cars.  She said she wanted to “surprise” him by having the car restored, but she didn’t sound like a happy wife trying to surprise her husband.   Still, he was married, so whatever it was we had was over.  At least, that’s what I told myself.

He came over that night and I broke it off.   He asked for a chance to explain, and I gave it to him.  He didn’t give me any of the cliche excuses like “My wife doesn’t understand me” or “I love her but I’m not IN love with her”.   He didn’t even tell me he loved ME at that point.  How could he?  He knew he was married and didn’t want to tell me he loved me knowing that I probably would have laughed in his face!

I’ve been through ups and downs with my feelings.  One day feeling like I couldn’t take another night when he left me to go home to his wife.  The next day, knowing that I could count on him to be there for me if I needed him.  I used to feel guilty, but that stopped when I realized that his wife never so much as stopped by to see him when he was working in the garage.  She knew where he was and it was only a few minutes away.  She never made the effort.  She never even called to ask if he needed anything.

I don’t know my man’s wife.  I never did.  One thing I do know is that she is NOT a bad person as some think I believe.  If she was a bad person, my guy would never have fallen in love with her and married her.  What happened was that she stopped loving him.  Many people don’t understand this, but it happens.  I do know that he tried to make things work.  I tried to get him to make things work before I became so emotionally invested in him that my heart would break into a zillion pieces.  She didn’t want things to work.  That’s it.  She just stopped caring.

I have asked myself over and over what HE did to make her stop caring.  I’ve asked him what he did.  He claims to have no idea.  All he knows is that she blamed menopause.  Unfortunately, I know women who use that as an excuse to stop having sex, but she took it to the extreme and didn’t even want to be touched.  I always thought that women who play the menopause card are the ones who really don’t enjoy sex and welcome menopause as an excuse to stop.  Personally, if I had a husband who was younger than me and I lost interest in sex, I would be doing anything I could to try to get that interest back.  Not that sex is THE most important thing, but a big chunk is missing without any intimacy.

It took me a long time to realize that what we have is better than a lot of marriages out there.  We’re friends first, then lovers.  I have my own space and time to do what I want.  He has to do what he feels is right for his daughter and I accept that.  I’m asked how I came to terms with this relationship.  Well, I came to terms by living my own life.  Sure, we have interests together, but I have my own interests that keep me busy.  As the years go by, I realize that this relationship is good for both of us.  We are together more than many married people.  We talk more than most couples (thanks to his commute to and from work calls to me).  When we’re together, we’re a REAL couple in a REAL relationship.  I know, I know….there are some who will disagree and say I’m “settling”.  I’m not settling…I’m happy.  I don’t need to be his wife.  I don’t need to be a mother to his daughter.  I just need to be the one he loves who loves him back.

Right now, I’m going through a time when I want to get out of the north!  He wants me to move closer to him, but I told him that there is no way I will be living in some out of the way area alone.  If he wants me to stay up north, he will have to make a move to be with me.  If he can’t do that, then I am going south.  I have some time to decide what I want to do, but when I’m in a position to move, he will have his option.  In the meantime, I’m looking at real estate down south.  I’ve shown him several of the houses and condos I’m looking at, so he knows this is a very real option for me.  I’m not going to push.  As always, he needs to decide what to do for him.  Whatever happens with this, I’ll come to terms with that too.

 

Add “Bat-Shit Crazy” to My List of Titles!

************, you are so utterly deluded, I find myself literally lol’ing at what you have to write. :)

Now I have gone from being a “very delusional person” to “utterly deluded”.   Again…at least I still have the power to make someone laugh.  :-D

And we’re not done yet!!!!!  Here we are on April 10 at 6:33 PM

You say: At 10, she should be able to understand that she would probably see her dad more if he wasn’t living with her.

This makes no damn sense!

Followed by this: I miss not knowing his daughter. When I go on vacation, I always make it a point to bring something home for her.

You have FAILED in your effort to replace his wife. Now you want to replace the wife as MOTHER of her own child?!?

You can deny that all you like, as you didn’t actually type out the words. I’ve read your entire blog. The fact that you desperately WANT to replace his wife, but have continuously failed for the last 11 years comes through loud and clear.

I’m sure that WH gives your gifts to his child. You really are in denial, OW.

There is absolutely NO universe in which his daughter is going to accept you. The fact that you are trying to buy her speaks to your level of desperation.

The only hope you ever have of getting WH is if his W finds out, kicks his rump to the curb and divorces. He might then settle for you. Or not.

So, you can’t see how not living in the home my MM’s daughter will probably see him more?  Let me explain:

He is with me right after work and gets home when his daughter is in bed.  He says a quick “good night” to her, then it’s time for him to get to sleep because he has to be up at 5:00 AM to get to work.  He works all day Saturday, then he’s with me until 1:00 or 2:00 AM.  During the summer season, we work together most Sundays at our weekend job. 

If he was living with me, he would be able to get his daughter after work and take her for dinner a few times a week.  That’s more than what she’s getting now.  She would also be able to go to our jobs on Sundays and maybe help out.  More time to spend with Dad.  I don’t have to work these jobs, so I could stick with her to make sure she’s totally safe.  Does that make me want to replace her mother, or just play “babysitter” for a day?

You seem to be under the impression that I am trying to “replace” his wife, but that isn’t the case.  I’m quite content with the relationship as it is.  Yes, I would like to know his daughter, but that’s not possible right now and I don’t know if that will ever be possible.  Even if  my MM and I end up living together at some point, I will not want to be a “replacement mother”.  She has a mother and that will never change.  I’m not about to take someone’s child away from them.  Goddess knows that I raised my two boys and I don’t want to raise someone else’s child.  That doesn’t mean that I can’t care about her well-being or wouldn’t be there if she needs another ear to listen if she has a problem.  I would care for her as I care for the younger children of my friends.  I also would never try to turn her away from her mother (because that is what you seem to be implying). 

I don’t know where you get that I want to replace his child’s mother because I bring her something back when I go on vacation.  You say that I’m showing desperation by trying to “buy” her.  By “bringing something back” I mean that I’ll bring her a pretty shell that I find, or a key-chain or one year, I brought a small vial filled with sand from my beach with tiny shells mixed in.  I doubt very much any of these things would “buy” a child’s love and acceptance.  His daughter knows me as a friend of her father’s and the “mother” of my two fur-babies that he brings home when I’m on vacation (my condo association doesn’t allow pets) and I’m the one who watches HER pets when they are away.  So, yes, he does bring his daughter the stupid little things I bring back for her.

I refuse to go over the same dead horse over and over again about how his daughter will not accept me….EVER.  I have said that my MM (WTF is “WH”?!??!?) and I have discussed this subject.  The longer the lie goes on, the less chance there will be of being accepted as even just a friend, nevermind her father’s girlfriend.  

I have not FAILED to take my MM’s wife’s place.  I never tried to take her place.  Yes, this relationship has been going on for 11 years, but I’m not looking to be anyone’s wife.  This would be the case even if I was seeing a single man.  I was a wife…been there, done that, got the divorce.  I don’t need to be married.  

Now I need to point out that you are taking my situation and comparing it to yours.  You are obviously still bitter about your husband’s affair.  I don’t know if the wound is still fresh or if you’re letting the bitterness grow and fester instead of moving on with your life.  Just by your many comments to me, I can see that you can’t let go of this hurt (that also shows in your email address, which I will not make public here).

Maybe you were a wonderful wife who doted on her husband.  Maybe you had no idea that he was cheating on you until it came up to bite you in the face.  That sucks…and I don’t mean that sarcastically.  It really and truly sucks.  But, I can tell you that my MM is NOT like your husband.  He married someone who stopped loving him.  Their lives took different turns, but for reasons of their own, they will stay together, but live separate lives unless there is something they must do together for their daughter. 

I hope that you are able to let go of the hurt, because if you can’t your life will continue to be miserable. 

This person obviously doesn’t agree with my relationship with a MM, yet she kept reading and responding.  She is a prime example of those who cannot accept that sometimes, life throws us curve balls.  I never thought that I would be in a relationship with a married man….NEVER!  But, never say never.

For The First Mrs and those who feel the same as she, I need to again say that most OW did not set out to look for relationships with married men.  Marriages fail and affairs happen.  Some are one-night stands while others, like mine, are long-term.

Personally, I don’t agree with women who actually DO look to meet married men.  I don’t understand actually searching for this kind of life, but, it happens.  I suspect that many of these women aren’t in it for anything long-term, they are just enjoying the moment.  Is an affair all the fault of the other woman, no matter what the circumstances?  No….absolutely not.  But, the OW  gets all the blame.  SHE is the “home-wrecking whore”.  What about the men who allowed the affair to happen knowing that they are married (at times to great women who do nothing but love them and want to make good homes for them)?  They never seem to get blamed for this.  It’s always “Boys will be boys” or “Men weren’t made to be monogamous”.

I’ve said it before and it’s worth repeating:  A man who is happy in his marriage will not cheat!  He may look, but he won’t touch because he respects and loves his wife.  “But, honey, I was drunk” doesn’t fly as an excuse.  A happily married man who has a great wife should know his limits and to not put himself in the position to be “seduced” by another woman.   But, a one-night stand with a stranger is one thing; a long-term relationship that is both emotional and intimate  is another.  That means there is REAL trouble in the marriage.

No affair is the same.  They happen for many reasons.  Black and white don’t apply to this topic.  Don’t try to make them apply.

 

 

 

 

Why Can’t His Wife Try to be Civil with His Family?

People have asked me in their comments “How do you know his wife doesn’t care?”  Well, the past few weeks have been awful and her lack of caring is perfectly clear.

My MM’s 50 year old cousin was diagnosed with cancer about 5 years ago.  Last week, she lost her battle.  We had spent the last two Saturdays visiting her in the hospital.

Before they were married, my guy and his wife (then girlfriend) lived in the same house as this cousin, so they knew each other well.   I knew this and asked when he and his wife would be going to the viewing so that I would not run into them there.  He told me that I would be going with him to the wake and funeral because his wife would not go to either.  I was pretty much stunned by this.

This was a woman who did nothing but try to be friends with his wife, but his wife wouldn’t give her a chance.  She hates everyone in his family, and they grew to hate her because of it.  The one person who loses in this situation is their daughter, because she has a whole family she doesn’t know.  She doesn’t want to know them because her mother has poisoned her mind when it comes to his family.

So, we were at the viewing as a couple.  I sat with the family and walked his elderly aunts to the ladies room to make sure they didn’t fall.  After the viewing, one of his cousins and his 95 year old Aunt Ruth met us at a diner for a late supper.  My man stayed with me that night because the funeral was going to be early the next day.

No one asked about his wife; it was expected that she wouldn’t be there.  Do I find it odd that his family accepts me like they do?  Of course I do!  They never all his wife if they need help with anything and they never call to invite her over, but they call me at least once a week to come over and play board games.

Yes, my relationship with this MM is so different than any other that I have heard of.  We are always out in the open; never hidden.  It’s not always like this when dating a married man or woman.

I’m glad that I’m accepted and I’m glad I got to say “good-bye” to a wonderful woman.  One thing I feel bad about is that his wife, the one who SHOULD have cared, didn’t.  She should have put her feelings about his family aside for this.  I also believe that his tween daughter should have been there to at least pay her respects and meet her cousins.

RIP, Kathy…you were a wonderful friend and mother.  You will be missed.

What If…..?

Lately, I’ve been feeling like I need a change.  A new hair color or cut won’t do it…I mean a REAL change.  Maybe it’s just winter talking, but I’m miserable now that it’s cold out.

Every now and then, I go through periods where I feel like I need to move down to my Florida condo permanently, but once I focus on the “no four-legged pets” by-law, I change my mind.  When I had one quiet dog, I could hide him for a week when I went to visit.  I’d throw him in a backpack and even if I ran into someone in the elevator, they never knew he was there.  I’d take him out of the pack a block away from the building for our walk, then put him back in the pack just before we got back to the building.  It was nice and easy.  Now that I have two dogs, unless they change that by-law, I’m screwed.   OK…so it’s not just the dogs; I also have 4 bunnies and I’m not giving up any rabbits’ feet.  The only “legal” pet I have is a ball python, but would I piss off the condo gods when it was time for his “dinner party”?  All I need is for one of the old fogies to see me coming home with 5 white mice.

Anyway…every time I thought of moving to Florida, I thought Lauderdale condo.  Something changed on this last vacation:  I realized that if I sold my house in NJ, I could actually buy a condo in Key West!  This little epiphany hit me as my friends and I were walking down a side street in Key West and I saw a house with a “For Sale” sign in front.  DUH!  Yes…people LIVE there!!!!

Actually, I think this may be the only part of Florida that I would be absolutely at home in.  I did my research.  According to statistics, the hottest day on record in Key West was 97 degrees in 1880 and the coldest was 41 degrees in 1981.  Considering where I am now, we’ve had some weeks where the temperature has been over 100 degrees or below 20 degrees.  Hurricanes, you say?  HA!  For some reason, the keys aren’t really hard hit.  Yes, there have been some, but I could always plan to be out of town when a big one is set to hit.  I could deal.

My guy has been working long hours rebuilding the plant he works at after Hurricane Sandy destroyed much of it.    There never seemed to be a good time to discuss my “possible moving situation” with him, but I made the time the beginning of January (new year, new plans).  He knows I’ve been miserable here for quite a while (none of it having to do with him) and that I would be selling my house in the near future to get out from where I am.  The thing is, he always thought that I would be moving closer to where he lives, which is in the sticks.

January 4, I sat him down to tell him that I will NOT be moving to the middle of nowhere alone.  I told him that the only way I would consider moving closer to where he lives would be if he moved in with me.  If he couldn’t figure out a way to make that happen, then I would be looking in Key West unless he could find me a nice little house in a small town that I fell in love with.

He knows that this is going to take some time, but he also knows that I plan on going to Florida this year to spend Christmas and New Year’s Eve in Key West with some friends.  At that time, I’ll be looking at some properties that I will have picked out from online sources.

I don’t know if he would be able to make a move out of state with me right now because of his job.  I can’t ask him to leave a job with a good pension to follow my dream.  But, he also knows that I’m serious.  I didn’t give him an ultimatum; even if I move, we can try a long distance relationship, but he will have to make an effort to come down to see me every now and then.  I’ll still have one son in NJ, so I’m sure that I’ll be back every now and then, too.

During the year, we’ll be having these little talks about my move because he tends to think that if he ignores the issue, it will go away.  He needs to be prepared for when it actually happens.  Right now,  I feel that there are more opportunities, job-wise, down there for me.  If I can swing it, I’m ready to go.

So…we’ll see where this year takes me.  Right now, things will stay the same with me and my MM, but he has some thinking to do.  I’m not going to push; he has to figure things out on his own.  If he thinks a long distance relationship will work, that’s fine by me.  I could be perfectly happy in a new place.  Besides, I’m sure that by living in a paradise like Key West, I’ll have plenty of visitors!!!

Are All Cheating Husbands The Same?

I hear from a lot of wives who try to tell me and my readers that what their husbands did to their “OW” is what is happening to us. I also have comments from former “OW” who feel that their experience will also be our experiences. It seems that no one is understanding that not all relationships with married men are the same.

I fully acknowledge that there are some guys out there who don’t care what lies they tell as long as it gets them laid. There are also women out there who are more then willing to believe these lies, whether they are the wife or the mistress. I would think that this type of man would get what he wants, then move on to the next “conquest”. I would also think that this type of man wouldn’t last long with a mistress if there were some weeks that were “sexless”.

I think what we, as OW, need to remember is that we are not the wives. I’m in my relationship around 10 years now and even though we have a strong bond, I know that things could change and I could be gone from his life. Even though I’m sure that his wife knows he’s seeing someone, I feel that if someone went to her to tell her they saw the two of us together, she would give him an ultimatum. He would then be forced to choose between me and seeing his daughter. He would, of course, choose his daughter. I’ve been prepared for this. I have to be. If I become too comfortable in this relationship and feel that there’s no way he could ever leave me, I will be open for a whole lot of added hurt if he does. Maybe this sounds pessimistic, but it’s not; it’s realistic.

Relationships of any kind sometimes don’t last. Best friends from childhood grow apart. Friends from high school go to college, find jobs and move away. College roommates move on. Males and females will have a few significant others before they find “the one”, and sometimes even “the one” turns out to be only temporary. It’s a fact of life. Being the other woman is a totally different situation. Not only do we have to worry about our men growing away from us, we also have to think about what happens if the wife finds out. Preparing for the worst is just a matter of emotional survival.

There are many women who, when in a relationship, will stop seeing their friends. This is especially true for women in relationships with married men. Sometimes, the friends don’t agree with the relationship, but rather than agree to disagree, the OW will simply end the friendships. Sometimes, it’s not a matter of friends agreeing or disagreeing; it’s a matter of wanting to be available when their married lover calls. None of this is right. When you choose to end friendships, you’ll be spending way too many nights alone. Everyone needs time to be with friends. We all need to cut loose every now and then; have a few drinks, see a movie, go to dinner. They’re a good support system when we’re happy, and even better when we’re miserable.

If you are always available to your man, whether he’s married or not, he will come to expect you to always be there. Don’t be afraid to make plans. A few times of being unavailable will let the man know that he either needs to make plans with you in advance or realize that he’ll be spending the night alone. One thing ANY woman should look out for in a man is if they ask her to choose him over her friends. This isn’t a love issue…it’s a control issue. Run.

Yes, there are men out there who have loving wives waiting for them at home. They tell their wives that they’re working late, or going away on business trips. Their wives don’t question them because they buy them gifts and are very attentive when they’re home. These men feel that they need a little “variety”, and it’s not hurting anyone as long as he’s not caught. He’s living a lie and it doesn’t bother him one bit.

In my case, my man married for all the wrong reasons. He worked in a bar and she was a “bartender groupie”. She went to the bar every weekend, they got to talking and then started partying together. Since he worked all the time, she came over one night and didn’t leave. After a while, they realized that they wanted to start a family, but she needed to be married to do that (which is understandable). They got married, she got pregnant. The partying stopped. Once the party was over, they both realized that the partying was all they really had in common. When the baby was born, she became over-protective to the point that he wasn’t “allowed” to do anything for the baby except go out to buy diapers and formula. To this day, he isn’t “allowed” to bring his daughter anywhere alone. His wife claims he’s a “dangerous” driver, even though he’s never had a traffic violation. I’m used to driving, so I’m kind of a control freak in a car, but I feel perfectly safe when he’s driving.

My married lover isn’t some scumbag just out to get laid. He’s been with me when I’ve been overweight, when I’ve been underweight, working, unemployed, happy or miserable, sick or well….we’ve been through it all. He’s with me when I need him. We are more of a “married couple” than many married couples that we know.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that no one should judge anyone else’s relationship. What happens to one may never happen to another. But then, if you are the other woman, just prepare yourself for anything.

How Not to Get Caught

I would never  advise someone to go out and purposely find a married man to start a relationship with.  That being said, this is real life and sometimes, things happen.

When you’re with a married man, there is always a chance that you’re going to get caught, and getting caught brings on unnecessary hurt to the spouse.  This hurt extends to any children that the couple may have.  No matter what the situation is at home, no woman wants her husband’s affair made public.  Maybe friends and family aren’t aware that there’s trouble in the marriage.  If her husband gets caught in an affair, it may force an action that the wife isn’t ready, or willing, to make.

I’m in the process of writing a book on how not to get caught.  Before I finalize it,  I was wondering if any of you out there have specific scenarios you would like to see covered in it.  If you have any ideas, just send over a comment!

Thanks!!!!

In the Beginning…..

The relationship my MM and I have is NOT typical.  Most relationships like ours is limited to maybe one day a week, sometimes less.  I have the advantage of seeing my man almost every day.  It wasn’t always like that, though.

In the beginning, I would see him once a week when he came to work in the garage he rented.  This was before we actually had a relationship.  It was at a time when we were getting reacquainted as friends.  Even when our relationship turned into a romantic one, we still only saw each other once, or maybe twice a week.  Back then, we didn’t go out.  Our world consisted of my little patch of property.  We got take-out and watched movies.

I always knew his family, but didn’t spend time with them.  Our contact was usually just a wave in passing.  I never saw him visiting them, with or without his wife and daughter, so one day, I asked him why.   His wife refused to to see them, even though, at the time, they lived only 2 miles away.  She never liked his family…and there was a bit of an issue when his mom passed away, so she used that as an “I told you so” kind of thing.   He stopped talking to that side of the family.  I convinced him that they really weren’t bad people and it was time he got to know his aunts and cousins again.  That’s when our world expanded to include his aunt’s house.

I knew that he was unhappy with the school system where he lived, and that he was looking to buy a house, with a yard for his daughter, in a town where there were no gang problems, and the schools were highly rated.  I told myself that if he bought his wife a house, I would end our relationship.  I couldn’t grasp the idea that he was buying the house for his daughter, so she could have a yard to play in.  Obviously, his wife was moving in too, and that bothered me.  I couldn’t understand why he would want to further tie himself to a woman he claimed to no longer love.  When he finally did find a house, I told him that I was done.  I made sure I wasn’t home on weekends so there was no chance of running into him.  I wouldn’t answer my phone when he called.  This lasted about a month.

One day, I came home from work and he was here waiting for me.  We had a long talk about how I was feeling and how he was feeling and we both realized that without meaning to, we fell in love with each other.  This was about 2 years into our relationship.  Our world was still only this tiny area.  We didn’t even talk on the phone at this time.

A few years after he and his family moved into the house, we were talking about how it sucked that if we were having a good conversation, we had to end it when he had to leave to go home.  He told me that if he could, he’d call me all the time.  I decided to test that, so I got him a phone on my cell family plan.  I really never thought he’d call as much as he does.  That’s when our morning and evening commute calls started.  He would also call me when I went on vacation.  Every time he had a break at work, he’d call to find out what state I was in (I drive to Florida twice a year…alone).

On one of my vacations, I was in the pool with a couple other condo owners and we were talking about restaurants.  One of the guys was there alone because he had to come down on business and his wife and son couldn’t make it because of school.  He asked if I had ever gone to one particular restaurant, which was his favorite.  I hadn’t been there, so he asked if I would go with him the next night.  He was having a craving for their duck l’orange and he was leaving in two days.  :-D When my guy called later that day, I told him about the next night’s dinner plans.

Dinner was great and the guy I went with had no expectations of any “after dinner activities” (which was good because I know his wife and son).  The following morning, my guy called and asked about dinner.  I told him about the place and what we had and then we moved on to discuss other things.

I got back from Florida a couple days before my birthday.  On my birthday, my guy came over with a present and told me to get dressed because we were going out.  He took me to my favorite steakhouse!  We had been together for almost 5 years, and we were laughing that this was our first “official” date.  The present was a really pretty necklace with two hearts, one inside the other, and a diamond.  As we were in the middle of dinner, he leaned over and touched the hearts and said something about how the larger heart was his heart protecting my heart…sappy, but sweet…and when he finished his little speech, I looked at him very seriously and said, “That’s sweet and all, but, I still don’t f**k on a first date.”  I should have waited until he swallowed that sip of Coke…..

After that first date, we decided that we needed a date night every week.  Once a week turned into dinner almost every night.  On date night, we go to a nice place where we have to wear grown up clothes, while on the other nights, we’ll just go out for hot dogs, hamburgers or wings.  We have our regular places and the servers all know us as a couple.  We go to the local Dunkin Donuts so much that they know what we want without us having to say anything.

In those first years, there were the discussions about why he can’t be with me if he’s so unhappy with his marriage.  I would tell him it was over, he would convince me that we belong together.   The worst part of it was his vacation time.  His daughter deserved a fun vacation even though her parents didn’t get along, so every year, they all go on a family trip.  I’m still not happy with that, but, it is what it is.  Even when he’s away, he brings “our” phone and calls me whenever he can.

I don’t even remember when it happened, but there was a time when I realized that I actually liked our arrangement.  I got my bed to myself.  I could come and go as I please.  If I wanted to go shopping, I didn’t have to OK it with anyone.  I don’t have to either lie awake tossing and turning or leave my bed to go to another room to read when I can’t sleep.  I don’t have to clean up after anyone else (even though HE does most of my housework).  I can cook when I want to, not because I HAVE to.

The one thing that I regret to this day is that I don’t know his daughter.  Whenever she has some extracurricular activity that he goes to, I wish I was able to go.  We’ve had talks about what will happen when she finally does find out about me.  Personally, I think she’ll resent me.  He thinks differently.  I worry about how she’ll react when she finds out that her childhood has basically been a lie.  I worry that she’ll grow up thinking that it’s “normal” for a married couple to not share a room, or show any affection to each other.  I went through that when I was a kid and it wasn’t easy to get over it.  It took me a long time to be able to openly show affection for someone.  Some therapist is going to make a LOT of money!  It’s sad, but I can’t tell him what to do when it comes to raising his child.  I also feel bad that she has cousins she doesn’t even know, but that’s also not up to me.

All in all, we’re happy.  He does realize that I may not be around forever.  Who knows what the future holds?  I could decide that I don’t want to be left out of the little things anymore.  I also realize that if his wife decided that she’s had enough of him not being home that he could end it with me rather than chance losing his daughter.   It’s been a long journey getting to acceptance, but I’m there now.  I’m not “settling”…I just decided to stop stressing over what I can’t (and don’t really want to) change.

 

 

Being The Other Woman Is Rarely Planned

Contrary to popular belief, there aren’t many women who make a conscious decision to be in a relationship with a married man.  I say “not many” rather than “any” because there are always exceptions to every rule.  There are women who do go out looking to hook up with married men.  These women, though, are usually gold diggers looking to snare a rich guy who will take them on trips, buy them cars, jewelry and sometimes homes.  I am not like these women.

Trust me when I say that if I were to specifically look for a married man, I would be cruising the yacht clubs in Miami and Fort Lauderdale.   His wife would be in the marriage for the money just as I would be in the affair for the money.  While his wife was with him doing volunteer work and going to boring country club and business dinners,  I’d be taken on trips all over the world on his private yacht (hence, the looking in yacht clubs) and I’d buy my jeans and tank tops (I wouldn’t need sweatshirts since I’d winter in Florida and summer in Nantucket) at Neiman Marcus instead of Old Navy.  I’d drive a sporty little BMW instead of a Chevy and I would NEVER buy my Nikes on sale again!  As for those $2 flipflops…fuggetaboudit!  I’d buy the $20 flipflops with the ridiculous flowers and a nice big platform so they’d give me some height.   My maid would clean up after me, the gardener would take care of the perfectly manicured lawn and flowers, the pool boy would make sure the water in my screened in pool and adjoining spa were at the perfect temperatures and pH balances and my house would be kept at a constant 70 degrees.  What a nice world it would be!  ::::::::::::::POP:::::::::::::::

OK….the bubble  has burst.

My guy has a blue collar job and drives an almost 20 year old car that can in no way be considered “classic”.   He can’t afford to take me on trips and he doesn’t shower me with clothes, cars and jewelry.  He works two jobs to keep up with bills and when we go out to dinner, we very rarely go anyplace that has tablecloths.  We don’t have much, but we have more than a lot of people.  What we have can’t be bought.  We have a terrific intimate relationship, but we also have a lasting friendship.   Neither of us would lightly give up what we have with each other.

We’re not together because we planned it, we’re together because life happened.  I’m not a “slut” or a “whore”.  I don’t have “low self-esteem” as some have said in their comments.  I don’t feel “unworthy” of a single man who can give me 100% of himself so I “settled” for the married man I’m with.   I’m not “deluding” myself into thinking I’m happy and that he loves me.  I know these things.  I’m not “wasting” my time with him.  Would things be better if he wasn’t married?  In some ways, yes.  He wouldn’t have to leave me at 2 AM to drive an hour home.  I’d be able to know his daughter.  We’d be able to go to my condo together every now and then, even with his daughter, so I could show her the Florida that I’ve known since I was a kid.   Does any of this make me want to get rid of him for a “nice single man”?  No.  Does it mean that he still loves his wife if he’s not divorcing her?  No.  People can’t seem to wrap their minds around the fact that there is no black and white when it comes to infidelity.

Every relationship has down sides.  In my relationship, the ups make up for the downs.  No…not many women plan for this.  It’s not easy being the other woman.  No matter how busy you are, there are nights alone, vacations alone and holidays alone.   I can hear it now; all the cheated on wives “tsk tsking”.   I can guarantee that all of the “other women” who are reading this aren’t sleeping with happily married men.   If a man has a mistress, he’s not really happy in his marriage, is he?