I hear from a lot of OW. The stories are all different, but the essentially the same; we fell in love with married men.
One of the things that most of us has done is to try to get our married lovers to look at their marriages and see if they can make them work again. Obviously, I can only relay my experience with this, but I know I’m not the only one. If you’re with a married man, before you’re too involved, it helps to have him try anything he needs to in order to work on his marriage. If it’s done in the early stages of your affair, you’ll hurt, but it won’t be as bad as if it were to happen after years into it.
When I first found out that my guy was married, we had a long discussion about his marriage and what went wrong. He was very uncomfortable talking to me about it at first, I think because he felt that I would be overly upset, but we did talk it out.
He met his wife when he was at his night job as a bartender at a local rock bar. He was working one Friday night and she walked in with a couple of friends. She stayed until closing and waited for him to finish his clean up, then invited him out to breakfast. He didn’t go because he worked all day, then was at the bar all night, so he just wanted to get home. She showed up the next weekend, but on a Saturday night. After a few m0nths of this, she went home with him and never left. They lived together for a year, got married and a year after that had a baby. Once their daughter was born, he said it all changed.
He worked long hours during the week, then at the bar every Wednesday and all weekend, so they never really “dated”. Their dating consisted of her sitting at the bar while he served beer and shots. They really had nothing in common except partying. Not a very substantial basis for a relationship, but, I guess they didn’t realize it at the time. As for sex, he said it was never a huge priority for either of them. He was exhausted from work and she accepted that because, I guess everyone has that assumption that if you’re living together, if you don’t have sex one night, you could make up for it the next.
Another thing that should have been a red flag was that his family couldn’t stand her. His parents, though divorced for years, got together with him one night and tried to talk him out of marrying her. He didn’t listen. Shortly after their daughter was born, his mom got very ill and had to be put into a nursing home. My guy would go see her every day right after work. His wife refused to go and refused to allow him to bring their daughter. She agreed to bring the child to the nursing home when it was clear that grandma didn’t have long to live, however, she wouldn’t to to her room and she wouldn’t let him bring the daughter to grandma’s room. Grandma had to be put in a wheelchair and brought down to the lobby, where she was allowed 5 minutes to see a granddaughter that she had only seen a few times previously.
As for sex…that stopped once the baby was born. My man’s wife told him that she no longer had any sexual urge, yet she wouldn’t do anything to “fix” it. Not only did she not want sex, she stopped wanting any physical contact, including hugs and kisses. If he came up behind her and kissed her neck, she would push him away and tell him not to do that in front of the baby. He got tired of being shot down, so he eventually stopped touching her.
As his daughter got to be around school age, he realized that the school system in the town they were in wasn’t very good, so he bought a house about an hour away. He wanted his daughter to have a yard to play in and a school where she could actually learn without worrying about all the fights that were going on in his old school district. By this time, he and I were already a couple. Did it upset me that he was buying a house for his wife? Absolutely!!!! In fact, I almost ended it when he told me they were moving.
Almost ended it. What I did instead was ask him if there was any chance that he and his wife could work things out. He told me that a few years earlier, before me, he tried to spice things up by buying his wife some lingerie. She wouldn’t wear it, but she told him that if he ever got her a house, she would wear it and give him a night to remember. I suggested that he go home and take out that lingerie. I told him that if he didn’t see me the next day, I would know that it worked and things were going to be all right in the marriage.
The next day, he came to me. He went home the night before, and laid out the lingerie on the bed while his wife was in the shower. He then went downstairs to give her time to dry off and get all dolled up. A half hour later, he went to the bedroom. She had thrown the lingerie in the trash and put on an old ratty t-shirt. When he asked why she threw the lingerie away, she told him that she never wanted to see it again and that he should find another room to sleep in because she didn’t want him near her.
I was prepared for the worst. I never expected him to come to me that next day. I thought that after a few years of living in a sexless marriage, that part of it would take time, but I know how loving he is and couldn’t imagine his wife not wanting him to at least hold her. When he saw me, he just held me for a while and thanked me for trying, but he was never going to have a real marriage again. In fact, he didn’t think he ever had a real marriage. Like me, they married for all the wrong reasons. It happens.
After that, I stopped feeling those little pangs of guilt about being with a married man. She threw him away, so he was fair game.