Tag Archive | disadvantages of being the other woman

How Not to Get Caught

I would never  advise someone to go out and purposely find a married man to start a relationship with.  That being said, this is real life and sometimes, things happen.

When you’re with a married man, there is always a chance that you’re going to get caught, and getting caught brings on unnecessary hurt to the spouse.  This hurt extends to any children that the couple may have.  No matter what the situation is at home, no woman wants her husband’s affair made public.  Maybe friends and family aren’t aware that there’s trouble in the marriage.  If her husband gets caught in an affair, it may force an action that the wife isn’t ready, or willing, to make.

I’m in the process of writing a book on how not to get caught.  Before I finalize it,  I was wondering if any of you out there have specific scenarios you would like to see covered in it.  If you have any ideas, just send over a comment!

Thanks!!!!

In the Beginning…..

The relationship my MM and I have is NOT typical.  Most relationships like ours is limited to maybe one day a week, sometimes less.  I have the advantage of seeing my man almost every day.  It wasn’t always like that, though.

In the beginning, I would see him once a week when he came to work in the garage he rented.  This was before we actually had a relationship.  It was at a time when we were getting reacquainted as friends.  Even when our relationship turned into a romantic one, we still only saw each other once, or maybe twice a week.  Back then, we didn’t go out.  Our world consisted of my little patch of property.  We got take-out and watched movies.

I always knew his family, but didn’t spend time with them.  Our contact was usually just a wave in passing.  I never saw him visiting them, with or without his wife and daughter, so one day, I asked him why.   His wife refused to to see them, even though, at the time, they lived only 2 miles away.  She never liked his family…and there was a bit of an issue when his mom passed away, so she used that as an “I told you so” kind of thing.   He stopped talking to that side of the family.  I convinced him that they really weren’t bad people and it was time he got to know his aunts and cousins again.  That’s when our world expanded to include his aunt’s house.

I knew that he was unhappy with the school system where he lived, and that he was looking to buy a house, with a yard for his daughter, in a town where there were no gang problems, and the schools were highly rated.  I told myself that if he bought his wife a house, I would end our relationship.  I couldn’t grasp the idea that he was buying the house for his daughter, so she could have a yard to play in.  Obviously, his wife was moving in too, and that bothered me.  I couldn’t understand why he would want to further tie himself to a woman he claimed to no longer love.  When he finally did find a house, I told him that I was done.  I made sure I wasn’t home on weekends so there was no chance of running into him.  I wouldn’t answer my phone when he called.  This lasted about a month.

One day, I came home from work and he was here waiting for me.  We had a long talk about how I was feeling and how he was feeling and we both realized that without meaning to, we fell in love with each other.  This was about 2 years into our relationship.  Our world was still only this tiny area.  We didn’t even talk on the phone at this time.

A few years after he and his family moved into the house, we were talking about how it sucked that if we were having a good conversation, we had to end it when he had to leave to go home.  He told me that if he could, he’d call me all the time.  I decided to test that, so I got him a phone on my cell family plan.  I really never thought he’d call as much as he does.  That’s when our morning and evening commute calls started.  He would also call me when I went on vacation.  Every time he had a break at work, he’d call to find out what state I was in (I drive to Florida twice a year…alone).

On one of my vacations, I was in the pool with a couple other condo owners and we were talking about restaurants.  One of the guys was there alone because he had to come down on business and his wife and son couldn’t make it because of school.  He asked if I had ever gone to one particular restaurant, which was his favorite.  I hadn’t been there, so he asked if I would go with him the next night.  He was having a craving for their duck l’orange and he was leaving in two days.  :-D When my guy called later that day, I told him about the next night’s dinner plans.

Dinner was great and the guy I went with had no expectations of any “after dinner activities” (which was good because I know his wife and son).  The following morning, my guy called and asked about dinner.  I told him about the place and what we had and then we moved on to discuss other things.

I got back from Florida a couple days before my birthday.  On my birthday, my guy came over with a present and told me to get dressed because we were going out.  He took me to my favorite steakhouse!  We had been together for almost 5 years, and we were laughing that this was our first “official” date.  The present was a really pretty necklace with two hearts, one inside the other, and a diamond.  As we were in the middle of dinner, he leaned over and touched the hearts and said something about how the larger heart was his heart protecting my heart…sappy, but sweet…and when he finished his little speech, I looked at him very seriously and said, “That’s sweet and all, but, I still don’t f**k on a first date.”  I should have waited until he swallowed that sip of Coke…..

After that first date, we decided that we needed a date night every week.  Once a week turned into dinner almost every night.  On date night, we go to a nice place where we have to wear grown up clothes, while on the other nights, we’ll just go out for hot dogs, hamburgers or wings.  We have our regular places and the servers all know us as a couple.  We go to the local Dunkin Donuts so much that they know what we want without us having to say anything.

In those first years, there were the discussions about why he can’t be with me if he’s so unhappy with his marriage.  I would tell him it was over, he would convince me that we belong together.   The worst part of it was his vacation time.  His daughter deserved a fun vacation even though her parents didn’t get along, so every year, they all go on a family trip.  I’m still not happy with that, but, it is what it is.  Even when he’s away, he brings “our” phone and calls me whenever he can.

I don’t even remember when it happened, but there was a time when I realized that I actually liked our arrangement.  I got my bed to myself.  I could come and go as I please.  If I wanted to go shopping, I didn’t have to OK it with anyone.  I don’t have to either lie awake tossing and turning or leave my bed to go to another room to read when I can’t sleep.  I don’t have to clean up after anyone else (even though HE does most of my housework).  I can cook when I want to, not because I HAVE to.

The one thing that I regret to this day is that I don’t know his daughter.  Whenever she has some extracurricular activity that he goes to, I wish I was able to go.  We’ve had talks about what will happen when she finally does find out about me.  Personally, I think she’ll resent me.  He thinks differently.  I worry about how she’ll react when she finds out that her childhood has basically been a lie.  I worry that she’ll grow up thinking that it’s “normal” for a married couple to not share a room, or show any affection to each other.  I went through that when I was a kid and it wasn’t easy to get over it.  It took me a long time to be able to openly show affection for someone.  Some therapist is going to make a LOT of money!  It’s sad, but I can’t tell him what to do when it comes to raising his child.  I also feel bad that she has cousins she doesn’t even know, but that’s also not up to me.

All in all, we’re happy.  He does realize that I may not be around forever.  Who knows what the future holds?  I could decide that I don’t want to be left out of the little things anymore.  I also realize that if his wife decided that she’s had enough of him not being home that he could end it with me rather than chance losing his daughter.   It’s been a long journey getting to acceptance, but I’m there now.  I’m not “settling”…I just decided to stop stressing over what I can’t (and don’t really want to) change.

 

 

Another Vacation Without Him

Vacation View From the Pool

I just got back from a 2 week trip to Florida. As usual, I drove, but this time, I brought a friend. Normally, when I go on vacation, I drive down by myself and if friends are coming down, I pick them up at the airport and they stay for a long weekend. I stopped asking others to travel with me because the two times I drove with someone else, my car broke down. When I went with my son and his girlfriend, a tire blew out. The next year, I had a friend from MA meet me in NJ and we drove down together. With 20 miles to go, at 2 AM, in the rain, my engine blew! After that, I realized that my car just didn’t like the extra humans, so from then on, I drove it alone.

About 2 weeks before this last trip, I got a new car! I didn’t want him (yeah….my car is a boy) to be antisocial like my old car, so I decided to start him off with “company”. He did very well!

Whenever I go away like this, my guy likes to keep in touch, so he calls me whenever he has a break at work. He likes to know where I am and to make sure I’m safe. It’s nice to have him to talk to, especially when I’m driving 18 hours alone. This time, the new car has Bluetooth, so the conversations were pretty much between the 3 of us. It takes some getting used to, but we dealt.

So….vacation. Always nice to get away! My son has lived in Florida for a little over 5 years and he has never been to Key West, so my friend and I took him there. We had a blast! We did the sunset celebration in Mallory Square (clouds on the horizon, so I have to go back to see an actual sunset), then we walked down Duval Street. We were given a whole bunch of 2 for 1 margarita vouchers, so we parked ourselves in that bar. It was all open, we had a table right in front so we people-watched and drank margaritas all night. There was a singer in the bar who would walk around while she sang. Every time she left the stage, my friend and I had her hanging on my son. After the 4th time, he was starting to enjoy the attention.

The next day, we hung out at the beach, had some dinner, then headed back to Fort Lauderdale since my son had to be at work the next day. It would have been nice to have another day or two, but, next time.

When we got back to the condo, my friend and I just relaxed by the pool, hung out on the balcony and talked. This was the first time I went away and really didn’t talk to my guy that much. He called every morning when he was on his way to work, but most of the time, I told him I was too tired to talk and hung up. What can I say? We stayed up late every night.

One night, my friend asked if my man ever gave me a hard time about going away. Hmmmm….considering HIS situation, he better not give me a hard time! I know when I go away, he misses me like crazy! He calls a few times every day. He goes to my house every day to take care of my pets (he takes the dogs home with him for the time I’m away, but the bunnies, snake and hermit crabs stay home) and calls to let me know how they’re all doing. The first weekend I was gone, he had to work early, so he stayed at my place and went to the diner we usually go to for breakfast. He said that everyone there asked where I was (I went there with my son’s girlfriend the other day and they all told me he looked lost without me). It’s sometimes strange to realize how many people think of us as a “real” couple. I think most people who don’t really know us would be shocked to find out what the story really is.

Every time I go to Florida, I think he worries that one of these days, I’ll tell him I’m staying because he keeps mentioning that my condo doesn’t allow “four-legged pets”. I just tell him that I’ll have to go to the condo association to try to change that by-law. I have to admit that I have thought of staying there, and even if I don’t live there year round, being able to bring my dogs with me when I do go would be great. I’m not very comfortable knowing that my dogs are in his house, with his wife, when I’m away. She must know they belong to the person her husband is seeing since when they’re there, he’s home….when they’re not there, he’s NOT home. I just worry that she may go psychotic and do something to them one of these days. However, I’m told that she has nothing to do with my “babies” and that his daughter is the one who takes care of them when he’s at work.

All in all, this trip was a good one. I had good company, we did things I wouldn’t normally do when I’m alone and I really didn’t have much time to think about or miss my guy. Don’t get me wrong…it was nice to see him when I got back, but it wasn’t so hard being away.

Where is he now that I need him?

This is the week from hell. I’ve mentioned that I was just returning to work after a month off. The reason for this is that my boss wants me gone. Long story, not for this blog. Bottom line in this is that my boss wants me gone and she’s made this week the worst week of my working life.

I realize today that this is the end of my job. I need my man to be with me because tomorrow, I have to face this boss from hell knowing that by the end of tomorrow, she will either fire me or make it so impossible for me to be there that I quit. I’m trying not to do that because I really DO need a job, but the woman is seriously insane.

As I’ve said, I need my man here. He was here when I got home and we went out to dinner. We came home and watched Wipeout (best game show EVER!!!), which I needed because it always makes me laugh. When that was over, he took my dogs out for a walk, then it was time for him to leave. This is a night where my life is at a turning point and I need him, but now, I’m here left to deal with all these screwed up feelings alone. I could use a hug, but can’t get one. He’s still sick, I’m sick and both of us need rest so we could go to work tomorrow. That means he goes home and I stay alone. I’m tired of dealing with issues alone. I’m sure this is a problem many women with married lovers face.

Is it worth it? Sometimes, I think it is. Sometimes, I think it’s not. First thing’s first: I need to concentrate on not letting my boss get to me to the point where I walk out. When this issue is done, I’ll think about what to do with the married lover issue.

Happy New Year

Every New Year’s Day, I go through the same thing: I try to decide if I want to be alone another New Year’s Eve/Day, or do I end this relationship?

My man was here the other day and when he left, he told me he would be here on New Year’s Day. It would have been the first time in all the time we’ve been together that we’ve spent this day together. I didn’t know what time he would be here, but usually, he’ll call me as he’s driving down. When he comes here, we go out to breakfast, so I didn’t eat. It was about 12:30 when he called from his phone (not a good sign). He’s not feeling well, running a fever, and he’s not coming. Not only is he not coming, he also said that he probably wouldn’t be going to work next week. I didn’t take it well. Basically, I hung up on him.

Am I being unsympathetic to his being sick? No. I understand that people get sick and it’s beyond their control. The problem arises that tomorrow, he’ll be “well enough” to entertain his sister and her boyfriend. Also, if he kept the promise to me that he would be with me, this wouldn’t be an issue. He’d be here. The other problem arises that he says he won’t be going to work all week. Why is that a problem? It’s a problem because before he left me last weekend, I asked why he was being so nice and how many weeks will it be before I see him. He told me that he would be down during the week and then it will be back to work, so I would MAYBE not see him for a few days. Enter Blizzard of 2010. By the time he got here, it was Thursday. That’s when he told me that his sister invited herself over for Sunday and we went to get the groceries for the dinner he was going to be making for them. That’s also when he told me that he would be here on Saturday (today). Now, he’s sick. Not only that, but I now feel that I screwed up his plan to be all romantic and sweet so he could prime me for his news that he was taking not one but TWO weeks off of work. Once I asked how many weeks I wouldn’t see him, he had to come up with Plan B.

I don’t think he does this to purposely hurt me. I seriously think that being a male, he’s naturally stupid. He feels that if he doesn’t tell me something, it can’t hurt me. We’ve had this conversation. It doesn’t sink in.

See, he knew how much I needed to be with him this weekend. I think I’ve mentioned that on Monday, I’ll be going to work for the first time in over a month. I’m not looking forward to it. The day and week are going to be hell. My boss is certifiably crazy and the only reason I’m still there is because in this economy, no one is hiring full time. If I could work full time in the local Stop N Shop, I’d give my notice in a flash! Screw the salary. It’s close and I could walk. He knows how I feel about this whole thing and he still made no effort to get here.

This is a BIG disadvantage of seeing a married man. He’s never around when you need him.

Sucky year end

I’ve been on a hiatus from work for about a month. You’d think I would see my man more, right? Wrong. Just as I was getting my break, HE was going back to work after being out for a year (work related accident). For him, going back to work was a highlight. Workmen’s Comp isn’t all it’s cracked up to be and money was tight. Now that he’s back at work, a financial load is lifted.

I have another week to go before I go back to work. Can we spend this week together? Nope. It’s winter break at his daughter’s school! Because he hadn’t worked in a year, a sitter or day care is out of the question, so my guy took a vacation week (which he had to use or lose) to stay home with his daughter. Normally, he would be with me at night. Not this week. Why? The blizzard of 2010 hit! He’s snowed in and can’t get here. I’m snowed in and can’t get anywhere.

Times like this are hard. When he goes to work and it snows, he stops by here after work and we shovel out together. We work as a team. When he’s off from work and it snows, he’s not here. Which means I get to shovel out alone. Our relationship is such that we are there for each other and help each other as much as possible. When he’s not around, I miss that.

Holidays

So, the holidays are upon us. This was the first year that I have been with my man on Christmas Eve AND Christmas Day.

The holiday I celebrate is Winter Solstice. My man and I work second jobs together and this year, the holiday party for that job was held on the Solstice. It’s a family owned business, so most of his cousins were there.

Christmas Eve, he surprised me by coming down to go to his aunt’s house. He hasn’t been to his aunt’s annual holiday party in years. His family can’t stand his wife, she can’t stand them, so she has refused to have anything to do with them. I know most of his family, they like me, I like them, so I went to the party with him. Our relationship is the worst kept secret of the family. They know I’m his girlfriend and accept the situation. I guess most people would find this odd. It is.

Christmas Day was another surprise. He stopped by at night after his daughter went to bed. I wasn’t expecting him, so I was in the process of cleaning when he got here, which meant that my room was ripped apart. Poor baby couldn’t even sit down, but he hung out and talked to me. He even pitched in a bit.

This weekend is New Years. We’ll see if he makes an effort to see me.

The holidays have been difficult. First there’s Christmas, then New Years, then Valentine’s Day. It’s the triple whammy. His daughter expects him there for all three of these holidays. This means, I don’t see him. This also means that I go through the annual “Is this really worth it” discussion with myself. The thing is, he’s good to me all year. He surprises me with presents, he takes me to dinner at least once a week, we go on day trips, we do housework together. We really don’t need a holiday to show each other we care.

Even so, the holiday I miss having him around the most is New Years Eve/Day. Just once, I’d like to spend that day with him. It would be so great to be able to end the year and start a new year with him.