Tag Archive | friends of the other woman

It’s Been a LONG Busy Summer!

Hi, all!!!!

I can’t believe I haven’t posted here since the beginning of July!  I’ve been so busy, I haven’t even had time to think about things here.

Anyway…all is well in my world.  Like I said, we’ve just been really, really busy!  The summer was full of street fairs and private parties and in between those, we’ve been trying to fix up a rental apartment.   My son finally moved out, but now I have to pretend to be a REAL landlord and get things “renter friendly”.  Not many people would like my kid’s color-scheme (black bedroom, red kitchen and dark blue living room), so my guy and I have been painting, plastering and dry-walling the place.   Thank goodness I’m not in a rush to do this!!!  I’ll be gone most of December and I’d rather not have strangers left alone in the house.

Yes, I’m still with my guy.  I’m sure some have wondered about that since I’ve been silent for so long.  In fact, last weekend, we worked our last Halloween party of the year (every year, I get to be “undead chick” in the casket), so tomorrow, we’re going to re-start the painting.  Yep.  Being the other woman is just SO glamorous!

Now, let’s get caught up:

In July, I was a phone-in guest on the Jennifer Keitt Show based out of Atlanta.  I had never done anything like that and had no idea what to expect.  Personally, I don’t think it went well at all.  Another guest on the show was a friend of Jennifer’s who wrote a book titled “The Mistress Code”.  She was an in-studio guest.  I was asked for my story, which I gave, but I wasn’t given an opportunity to rebut what this other guest (who came on after me) said.  According to her, I was breaking “The Mistress Code” by sitting at home making myself available to my guy any time he wanted me.  She said that I wasn’t living my own life.  She came to this conclusion because I mentioned that I see my guy almost every day.

Obviously, this woman nRehobeth Beach 1ever read my posts, and if Jennifer Keitt read them, she didn’t contradict her friend’s assessment of my situation.  If my posts were read, they would clearly see that while I do see my guy just about every day, I certainly do live my own life.  He knows my schedule for volleyball and I let him know when I will be out with the girls.  In fact, a couple of friends and I just went to Rehoboth Beach, DE to check out the outlet malls and Dogfish Head Brewery!  I also have plans with these friends to be in Key West for New Year’s Eve!  Aside from the weekly volleyball, my friends and I take at least one night a month to do a girls’ night.  Doesn’t sound like I’m sitting home waiting for him to call, does it?  I didn’t realize that I wouldn’t be given a chance to explain all this.  It was pretty one-sided on both sides, which really wasn’t right.  But…live and learn.

There were street fairs up the wazoo all summer, so my weekends were long.  We had to be at the shop by 5 AM to load the trucks, get to the gigs and set up to be ready for start times.  If a street fair is over at 6 PM, we wouldn’t get out of there until at least 9 PM (break-down is tough when you are trying to pack thousands of pounds of rubber), which meant home around 1 AM.  Needless to say, there weren’t many “romantic” weekends!!!  LOL!

But, as busy as we’ve been, we still make time for each other even if it’s just an hour or so after he gets out of work.  He still calls me every morning and after work, so we get to catch up with each other that way.

I need to end this here now.  I’ve been up since 5:30 AM and I’m exhausted!  If anyone has any questions, just send along a comment and I’ll answer as soon as I get it.  Good night, all!!!

 

The Other Woman’s Vacation with the Girls!

I just got back from vacation.  It was spectacular!!!

Thanksgiving night, I picked up my friend, Janet, and we started the long drive down I-95.  I love the drive, but this is the first time I was doing it mostly at night, so having Janet along was great.   I was, however, happy to see the sunrise when we were somewhere in Georgia!

OK…so….I do this once or twice a year.  Sometimes I go alone, sometimes with friends.  Sometimes, we just hang out at the pool, but this trip, we decided to have some adventure.  Janet and I originally planned on leaving the Friday after Thanksgiving, so our friend, Lana, was going to fly in on Saturday so we could pick her up at the airport.  Leaving early gave us some time to rest after the long drive.

The one thing we HAD to do this trip was go to Key West.  Janet and Lana had never been there and every time I had been there, I could never see the sunset in Mallory Square (it was usually cloudy), so Monday morning, we were off again.  It was a gorgeous day!!!   It’s always nice when you’re driving through the keys down Route 1 and the weather cooperates.

We had plenty of time, so we stopped by the Coral Castle…one of my favorites!  If you’ve never been there, it’s in Homestead, FL.  The history of the place is amazing!  It was built by one small man, but no one seems to know how he did it.  He had no help, yet set these huge coral blocks in place.  He built his “castle” for his true love, who never got to see it.  Originally, it was built in Miami, but was later moved (by the builder, alone) to Homestead.  It’s not a big place and is easily missed even though it’s right on Route 1,  but it’s interesting to see.  There’s a built in tour that tells the history of the place; all you have to do is press a button on the strategically  placed kiosks, so you’re not confined to any schedule.

As I said, the weather was beautiful!  The view from every bridge was perfect, especially for two people who had never seen it.  We got to Key West, found a motel, then set off for shopping, dinner and sunset!   We found a table right on the edge of the patio, ordered our munchies and drinks, then waited for the “show”.  I was a bit worried because about 100 feet from us was a docked cruise ship waiting to sail (that would not have made for good sunset viewing).  The ship waited, the view was unobstructed by clouds and our life was good!  The next adventure was for Lana:  SHOPPING!  Some of the shops and kiosks in the square are incredible.  Since it’s a pretty artsy place, just about everything is hand-made and unique.

We fit as much into those 2 days as we could.  We stopped at every shop and bar on Duvall Street, I introduced them to Kermit’s Key Lime Pie on a stick and we visited Hemingway House.  I never actually took the whole tour before.  Cats, cats and more cats!!!!  All six-toed.  They have the run of the place.  As we were getting our tickets, the lady asked if the 4 of us were together.  Hmmmm….I THOUGHT there were only 3 of us….but there was some random guy standing right behind me.  I just told the lady that there were 3 of us, but if my “friend” wanted to pay, he was welcome to do that.  We had a little banter going back and forth until his wife stepped up and gave me the evil eye!!!  LOL!  OMGs!  Trust me when I say, this man was SO not my idea of desirable.  We were in Key West, so the male tourist thing is Bermuda shorts and sandals (with socks!!!!!) and a gaudy print shirt <shudder>.  Well…this guy was following us the entire tour and his wife was right behind him.  When we went to the balcony, I stayed away from the edge thinking there would be an “accident”.

Everywhere I go, I seem to make friends.  This amuses Janet and Lana to no end and they love telling Paul all about my “flirting”.  This is   made easier for them to do since my car has a Bluetooth connection and he usually called as we were on our way somewhere (he has impeccable timing!).  They told him about the guy at Hemingway House, the guy at the gas station store that helped me find tea, the guy in the t-shirt shop….everyone I said “Hi” to, according to them, I was flirting with.  Of course, to hear them tell it, my eyelashes were batting so hard they felt the breeze!  My guy is used to this.  Everywhere we go, I do the same thing.  He finds it amusing too.

Last year when I was in Key West with my friend, Natalie, we stopped at a bar that gave us coupons for two-for-one margaritas.  Needless to say, I was snockered!  I was taking pictures of the strange guys that tried to pick us up and other sites along the way.  We were in a t-shirt shop and the owner happened to be from NJ and told me how he loves it there and that I should move down there and we could live happily ever after.  So, my guy picks this time to call.  The conversation went like this:

Me:  Hi, honey!!!  I’m in a t-shirt shop talking to my future husband 

Him:  Uh, huh…..

Me:  Yep!  We just had a zillion margaritas and my future husband is helping me find some gifts.

Him:  Uh, huh…..

Me:  So….honey….I’m going to move to Key West and work in a t-shirt shop, OK???

Him:  Uh, huh…..So, is Natalie sober?

Me:  You’re funny!!  Of course not!

Him:  OK.  You’re not driving, are you?

Me:  No…we’re sort of walking.

Him:  OK….I have to run.  You have a good time and I’ll talk to you tomorrow.  Say “hello” to your future husband for me!

My friends can’t understand how he can be so “understanding” about these things, but I tell them that he knows he can’t complain because he goes home to his wife every night.  He can’t tell me who I can or can’t talk to.  But, he’s really not the jealous type.  His attitude is that I could talk to whomever I want, but he trusts me enough to know that even drunk, I’m not about to do something stupid (like marry some guy on a whim and work in a t-shirt shop ).  It’s all about trust.

When the week was over, the three of us got in the car and headed north.  We took our time, stopped at the Fountain of Youth, stopped for a few “sit down” meals, stayed overnight somewhere in North Carolina, then continued on home.

All in all, we had a great time!  In the beginning, I used to miss having my guy with me, but now, I love girls’ vacations!

I talk to my man every day and send him pictures as we’re going along, so he’s kind of there with us.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Are All Cheating Husbands The Same?

I hear from a lot of wives who try to tell me and my readers that what their husbands did to their “OW” is what is happening to us. I also have comments from former “OW” who feel that their experience will also be our experiences. It seems that no one is understanding that not all relationships with married men are the same.

I fully acknowledge that there are some guys out there who don’t care what lies they tell as long as it gets them laid. There are also women out there who are more then willing to believe these lies, whether they are the wife or the mistress. I would think that this type of man would get what he wants, then move on to the next “conquest”. I would also think that this type of man wouldn’t last long with a mistress if there were some weeks that were “sexless”.

I think what we, as OW, need to remember is that we are not the wives. I’m in my relationship around 10 years now and even though we have a strong bond, I know that things could change and I could be gone from his life. Even though I’m sure that his wife knows he’s seeing someone, I feel that if someone went to her to tell her they saw the two of us together, she would give him an ultimatum. He would then be forced to choose between me and seeing his daughter. He would, of course, choose his daughter. I’ve been prepared for this. I have to be. If I become too comfortable in this relationship and feel that there’s no way he could ever leave me, I will be open for a whole lot of added hurt if he does. Maybe this sounds pessimistic, but it’s not; it’s realistic.

Relationships of any kind sometimes don’t last. Best friends from childhood grow apart. Friends from high school go to college, find jobs and move away. College roommates move on. Males and females will have a few significant others before they find “the one”, and sometimes even “the one” turns out to be only temporary. It’s a fact of life. Being the other woman is a totally different situation. Not only do we have to worry about our men growing away from us, we also have to think about what happens if the wife finds out. Preparing for the worst is just a matter of emotional survival.

There are many women who, when in a relationship, will stop seeing their friends. This is especially true for women in relationships with married men. Sometimes, the friends don’t agree with the relationship, but rather than agree to disagree, the OW will simply end the friendships. Sometimes, it’s not a matter of friends agreeing or disagreeing; it’s a matter of wanting to be available when their married lover calls. None of this is right. When you choose to end friendships, you’ll be spending way too many nights alone. Everyone needs time to be with friends. We all need to cut loose every now and then; have a few drinks, see a movie, go to dinner. They’re a good support system when we’re happy, and even better when we’re miserable.

If you are always available to your man, whether he’s married or not, he will come to expect you to always be there. Don’t be afraid to make plans. A few times of being unavailable will let the man know that he either needs to make plans with you in advance or realize that he’ll be spending the night alone. One thing ANY woman should look out for in a man is if they ask her to choose him over her friends. This isn’t a love issue…it’s a control issue. Run.

Yes, there are men out there who have loving wives waiting for them at home. They tell their wives that they’re working late, or going away on business trips. Their wives don’t question them because they buy them gifts and are very attentive when they’re home. These men feel that they need a little “variety”, and it’s not hurting anyone as long as he’s not caught. He’s living a lie and it doesn’t bother him one bit.

In my case, my man married for all the wrong reasons. He worked in a bar and she was a “bartender groupie”. She went to the bar every weekend, they got to talking and then started partying together. Since he worked all the time, she came over one night and didn’t leave. After a while, they realized that they wanted to start a family, but she needed to be married to do that (which is understandable). They got married, she got pregnant. The partying stopped. Once the party was over, they both realized that the partying was all they really had in common. When the baby was born, she became over-protective to the point that he wasn’t “allowed” to do anything for the baby except go out to buy diapers and formula. To this day, he isn’t “allowed” to bring his daughter anywhere alone. His wife claims he’s a “dangerous” driver, even though he’s never had a traffic violation. I’m used to driving, so I’m kind of a control freak in a car, but I feel perfectly safe when he’s driving.

My married lover isn’t some scumbag just out to get laid. He’s been with me when I’ve been overweight, when I’ve been underweight, working, unemployed, happy or miserable, sick or well….we’ve been through it all. He’s with me when I need him. We are more of a “married couple” than many married couples that we know.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that no one should judge anyone else’s relationship. What happens to one may never happen to another. But then, if you are the other woman, just prepare yourself for anything.

Another Vacation Without Him

Vacation View From the Pool

I just got back from a 2 week trip to Florida. As usual, I drove, but this time, I brought a friend. Normally, when I go on vacation, I drive down by myself and if friends are coming down, I pick them up at the airport and they stay for a long weekend. I stopped asking others to travel with me because the two times I drove with someone else, my car broke down. When I went with my son and his girlfriend, a tire blew out. The next year, I had a friend from MA meet me in NJ and we drove down together. With 20 miles to go, at 2 AM, in the rain, my engine blew! After that, I realized that my car just didn’t like the extra humans, so from then on, I drove it alone.

About 2 weeks before this last trip, I got a new car! I didn’t want him (yeah….my car is a boy) to be antisocial like my old car, so I decided to start him off with “company”. He did very well!

Whenever I go away like this, my guy likes to keep in touch, so he calls me whenever he has a break at work. He likes to know where I am and to make sure I’m safe. It’s nice to have him to talk to, especially when I’m driving 18 hours alone. This time, the new car has Bluetooth, so the conversations were pretty much between the 3 of us. It takes some getting used to, but we dealt.

So….vacation. Always nice to get away! My son has lived in Florida for a little over 5 years and he has never been to Key West, so my friend and I took him there. We had a blast! We did the sunset celebration in Mallory Square (clouds on the horizon, so I have to go back to see an actual sunset), then we walked down Duval Street. We were given a whole bunch of 2 for 1 margarita vouchers, so we parked ourselves in that bar. It was all open, we had a table right in front so we people-watched and drank margaritas all night. There was a singer in the bar who would walk around while she sang. Every time she left the stage, my friend and I had her hanging on my son. After the 4th time, he was starting to enjoy the attention.

The next day, we hung out at the beach, had some dinner, then headed back to Fort Lauderdale since my son had to be at work the next day. It would have been nice to have another day or two, but, next time.

When we got back to the condo, my friend and I just relaxed by the pool, hung out on the balcony and talked. This was the first time I went away and really didn’t talk to my guy that much. He called every morning when he was on his way to work, but most of the time, I told him I was too tired to talk and hung up. What can I say? We stayed up late every night.

One night, my friend asked if my man ever gave me a hard time about going away. Hmmmm….considering HIS situation, he better not give me a hard time! I know when I go away, he misses me like crazy! He calls a few times every day. He goes to my house every day to take care of my pets (he takes the dogs home with him for the time I’m away, but the bunnies, snake and hermit crabs stay home) and calls to let me know how they’re all doing. The first weekend I was gone, he had to work early, so he stayed at my place and went to the diner we usually go to for breakfast. He said that everyone there asked where I was (I went there with my son’s girlfriend the other day and they all told me he looked lost without me). It’s sometimes strange to realize how many people think of us as a “real” couple. I think most people who don’t really know us would be shocked to find out what the story really is.

Every time I go to Florida, I think he worries that one of these days, I’ll tell him I’m staying because he keeps mentioning that my condo doesn’t allow “four-legged pets”. I just tell him that I’ll have to go to the condo association to try to change that by-law. I have to admit that I have thought of staying there, and even if I don’t live there year round, being able to bring my dogs with me when I do go would be great. I’m not very comfortable knowing that my dogs are in his house, with his wife, when I’m away. She must know they belong to the person her husband is seeing since when they’re there, he’s home….when they’re not there, he’s NOT home. I just worry that she may go psychotic and do something to them one of these days. However, I’m told that she has nothing to do with my “babies” and that his daughter is the one who takes care of them when he’s at work.

All in all, this trip was a good one. I had good company, we did things I wouldn’t normally do when I’m alone and I really didn’t have much time to think about or miss my guy. Don’t get me wrong…it was nice to see him when I got back, but it wasn’t so hard being away.

Do friends accept your affair?

When I first started seeing my married boyfriend, I lost a couple of friends. There was a group of us who met online and the friendships extended to real life. One of the group didn’t approve of my relationship. She had a husband who cheated on her, so she couldn’t understand why I would continue to date this man after I found out he was married. She convinced another of the group that I was not someone to be associated with, so, two friends….gone. I understand why they felt they needed to separate from me and didn’t try to convince them that what I was doing was right. How could I? I wasn’t sure if it was “right”.

As my relationship goes on, I find more ways to keep myself busy. One of the things I did was to sign up for volleyball two nights a week at the local high school. Each night after playing, a few of us would go out for what we call the “after volleyball pig-out”. During the off seasons, all of us try to get together at least once and a few of us will meet for dinner a couple of times a month. Sometimes my guy comes with me, but most times, it’s just a night out with the girls. They all know my situation and they accept it. I’m not saying it was easy in the beginning, but as they see how much time he spends with me, they see that what I have with my guy isn’t all about sex.

The way I see it, if you truly know someone, you know their character. Since my friends know me, they know that I’m not one who would deliberately break up a family. They have also come to know him and they accept us as a couple. None of them feels uncomfortable about our relationship. It’s good to have friends who don’t judge.

Not only do my friends accept him as my boyfriend, but his friends and family accepts me as his girlfriend. We don’t hide our relationship. We go out often and to places that aren’t hidden, so we run into people we both know. So far, no one has asked him about his wife, but they do ask about his daughter. Lately, his sister has started working weekends with us and we get along very well. We are also invited, as a couple, to family events.

I do get questions sometimes about how he is able to spend so much time with me. Honestly, I don’t know how to answer those questions since I’ve never asked him what he tells his wife in order to be with me as often as he is. All I know is that when he’s with me, his wife rarely calls him. He could be gone all weekend and she doesn’t bother calling to see how he is or if everything is OK. She doesn’t care. I guess that’s why he’s with me.

Vacation time again….back to reality

Vacation View from the Balcony

Last week, I left for vacation with two friends. We had a great girls’ week of sun, fun and relaxation! Usually, when I go away with the girls, it’s with different girls and they only stay for a long weekend, so I’m alone the rest of the week. This vacation, I had no time to obsess over not being able to be with my guy.

When I got my email this morning, there was a comment from “Jen”, who can totally relate to the other woman situation, including knowing that she can never know her guy’s daughter. I think that’s the hardest part of all this: not knowing the one person most important in his life (yes, I realize his daughter is number 1 and that’s how it should be).

His daughter will be 11 soon, and is going through some changes. He called me up the other day while I was lounging by the pool to vent about some troubles his daughter is having with some bullies at her school. It’s a bit strange that he asks my advice on the situation since I’ve never met his daughter, but I’ve been through the school thing and pretty much have experience. True, I have boys, but trouble is trouble and there’s always a good way to handle things and a bad way to handle things. What amazes me the most is that while her teacher complains that the girl is “moody”, she never once mentioned that it COULD be because she’s 11 and is about an hour away from her first period. What is wrong with this picture? When I mentioned that this could be the cause of her “moodiness”, he said that was what he was thinking, but didn’t mention it because he figured the females at the meeting would blast him for blaming hormones.

Anyway…my guy’s daughter is very important to him and he is involved in every aspect of her life. If she has some sort of event on a Saturday, which is usually my full day with him, he goes to HER event. We work together on weekends during the summer, but if there’s something of importance happening in his daughter’s life, he doesn’t work that day so he could be with her. When he’s with me, he always takes time out before his daughter’s bedtime to call her to talk about her day and to say good night.

When I feel guilty, it isn’t that I’m taking him away from his wife; his wife doesn’t care that he’s not home. I feel guilty about taking time away from his daughter. As I’ve said, she’s the most important person in his life, and it’s hard knowing that I can’t know her (at least not at this time). I do hope that some day soon, I could meet her and get to know her.

After 10 years, I’ve learned to make the best of the situation. When I think about it, I really kind of have the best of both worlds. On one hand, I have a man who helps me with work around the house, who takes me out at least once a week, who hangs out with me just watching movies and who is a great lover. It’s like I have a rent-a-husband; he’s here until bedtime, then he goes home. We also talk a lot. We’re on the phone probably more than anyone I know, married or not. On the other hand, I have a lot of free time to do as I please. I have girls’ nights out and girls’ vacations. I play volleyball and take daily power walks. If I can’t sleep at night, I can turn on the light and read or watch TV without worrying about waking someone up. I don’t have to answer to anyone about what I buy. Even though I cook for my man, I don’t do it every night. When I’m on my own, sometimes I don’t even bother cooking; I’ll just make a sandwich when I’m hungry. I go by MY schedule.

Yeah, there are times when I get lonely, but with friends, pets and hobbies, there really isn’t much time to be lonely. I don’t need to be with someone constantly. I’m just recently beginning to realize that I like my alone time.

Being the other woman isn’t easy. We don’t just have him at his best. I listen to him rant about work, he asks for my opinion if he has a problem with his daughter (after all, I DO have two sons that I didn’t kill during the teen years, so I’ve been through it all…..alone), I get him when he’s tired, I get him when he’s not feeling well, I get him when he’s cranky after a long day at work. It’s not all peaches and cream, but we work through things. Is this a forever thing? I don’t know. But right now, I think I’ll keep him.