Tag Archive | long time affair

It’s Been a LONG Busy Summer!

Hi, all!!!!

I can’t believe I haven’t posted here since the beginning of July!  I’ve been so busy, I haven’t even had time to think about things here.

Anyway…all is well in my world.  Like I said, we’ve just been really, really busy!  The summer was full of street fairs and private parties and in between those, we’ve been trying to fix up a rental apartment.   My son finally moved out, but now I have to pretend to be a REAL landlord and get things “renter friendly”.  Not many people would like my kid’s color-scheme (black bedroom, red kitchen and dark blue living room), so my guy and I have been painting, plastering and dry-walling the place.   Thank goodness I’m not in a rush to do this!!!  I’ll be gone most of December and I’d rather not have strangers left alone in the house.

Yes, I’m still with my guy.  I’m sure some have wondered about that since I’ve been silent for so long.  In fact, last weekend, we worked our last Halloween party of the year (every year, I get to be “undead chick” in the casket), so tomorrow, we’re going to re-start the painting.  Yep.  Being the other woman is just SO glamorous!

Now, let’s get caught up:

In July, I was a phone-in guest on the Jennifer Keitt Show based out of Atlanta.  I had never done anything like that and had no idea what to expect.  Personally, I don’t think it went well at all.  Another guest on the show was a friend of Jennifer’s who wrote a book titled “The Mistress Code”.  She was an in-studio guest.  I was asked for my story, which I gave, but I wasn’t given an opportunity to rebut what this other guest (who came on after me) said.  According to her, I was breaking “The Mistress Code” by sitting at home making myself available to my guy any time he wanted me.  She said that I wasn’t living my own life.  She came to this conclusion because I mentioned that I see my guy almost every day.

Obviously, this woman nRehobeth Beach 1ever read my posts, and if Jennifer Keitt read them, she didn’t contradict her friend’s assessment of my situation.  If my posts were read, they would clearly see that while I do see my guy just about every day, I certainly do live my own life.  He knows my schedule for volleyball and I let him know when I will be out with the girls.  In fact, a couple of friends and I just went to Rehoboth Beach, DE to check out the outlet malls and Dogfish Head Brewery!  I also have plans with these friends to be in Key West for New Year’s Eve!  Aside from the weekly volleyball, my friends and I take at least one night a month to do a girls’ night.  Doesn’t sound like I’m sitting home waiting for him to call, does it?  I didn’t realize that I wouldn’t be given a chance to explain all this.  It was pretty one-sided on both sides, which really wasn’t right.  But…live and learn.

There were street fairs up the wazoo all summer, so my weekends were long.  We had to be at the shop by 5 AM to load the trucks, get to the gigs and set up to be ready for start times.  If a street fair is over at 6 PM, we wouldn’t get out of there until at least 9 PM (break-down is tough when you are trying to pack thousands of pounds of rubber), which meant home around 1 AM.  Needless to say, there weren’t many “romantic” weekends!!!  LOL!

But, as busy as we’ve been, we still make time for each other even if it’s just an hour or so after he gets out of work.  He still calls me every morning and after work, so we get to catch up with each other that way.

I need to end this here now.  I’ve been up since 5:30 AM and I’m exhausted!  If anyone has any questions, just send along a comment and I’ll answer as soon as I get it.  Good night, all!!!

 

The Delusional Other Woman?

It’s been a long, busy summer for me.  This is pretty much the first time I’ve had a chance to sit down and post.  Sorry!

I have been reading all the comments sent to me, and I’m glad that there are some married men commenting.   It’s nice to get some feedback from these guys, but from some of the comments, I really don’t think they grasp that not all men in an extra-marital relationship are the same (even though some commented on the post “Are All Cheating Husbands the Same?”).

I, for one, am not delusional when it comes to my relationship.   I know that even though his wife must know about me, yet hasn’t yet confronted him, that could change at any time.  I have never been told by my MM that his wife has no clue.  I guess his home life is run like the military; don’t ask, don’t tell.   Yes, I believe she does know because I can’t see how she DOESN’T know, but I will not encourage him or anyone else to throw our relationship at her.   She obviously likes living in her cocoon, safe from having to live on her own.

I received a few comments from a Former MM.  I’d just like to address some of the things he said.  While I agree with some, I do not agree with others.  He seems to lump all men having relationships with other women in the same category.

Former MM says (His comments are in bold, my responses are next to his, but in italics):

Unless the MM is suffering from some mental issues, he will exhibit some very classic traits that when viewed all together.. will likely have the wifes gut screaming.. Even if she has no concrete proof of an affair.. She will eventually know something Is up

1. Phone never leaves the side. Password protects everything  (his phone is with him at all times.  His job requires it.)
2. closes computer window when wife comes in room  (he absolutely HATES computers!)
3. Reduction in intimacy    (his wife rejected him time and time again.  This is what eventually made him turn to me.)
4. Will be snippy to downright snarly with her and kids  (can’t say.  I’m not in the home, though I know she is “snarly” with him.  I never heard him talk snippy to his child)
5. Goes out and is unaccounted for or unreachable for hours  (he’s reachable by phone always.  Even when he’s with me)
6. Changes appearance  (didn’t happen.  Neither of us thought to even ask the other to change anything)
7. More grooming. Manscaping becomes a thing.  (Ew.  No way)

While this may be true for some, it’s not true for others.  (Good…some acknowledgement here)

Affairs never happen in a vacuum. Emotional states will shift, and patterns of behavior will change. While I did eventually confess to my wife, she had been on to me for months. She just didn’t have any proof… yet.

Just because your MM says their wife is completely unaware.. don’t believe it.  (I have never been told she doesn’t know)

Another comment went on to say:

Actually.. I think the overwhelming majority of MM in affairs are basically the same. I guess that was my point. Save for a few minor details someones MM is not that special snowflake. The ugly truth is that they almost all behave in a similar manner. I have seen how myself and others have acted and there are a lot of very stark similarities.

The common lies.
Staying for the kids  (This happens more times than a lot of people realize.  It’s not right, IMO, but it’s what the MM needs to do if he feels it’s right  for the child)
Spark out of the marriage.. its over.  (It happens.  In this case, he tried to make things work when his wife first told him she didn’t want to be touched in any way)
Sexless.. no intimacy.  (Again…this happens more times than is realized)
Separate rooms/beds  (My guy has his own room)
My spouse is cheating on me.  (Not something I was ever told)
I’ll be filing for divorce once we’re in a better place financially.  (Another thing I was never told)

Some of these points may actually be true. But they are still excuses. If life were really that bad.. they would get the divorce.   (Not really.  I’ve seen what some people do to drag out a divorce just so more money is spent.  The only ones winning are the attorneys)  The fear of remaining in an unhappy marriage has to surpass the fear of the unknown of the divorce.  (It’s not fear of the unknown.  It’s fear of his child being taken away, emotionally if not physically) Many of those points were true for me.. but while I wasn’t particularly happy.. it wasn’t terrible  (That’s your case, not all)

Your man stays with his wife because he wants to. Not because I know him, but because I know human nature. People always behave in a manner consistent with their desires. There are options. Uncomfortable and sometimes downright painful options but they are there. He has you convinced its all about his daughter, THAT is the point I don’t buy.  (And you have every right not to buy it.  However, I know this is the truth.  He’s there for her.)

Your “Man”’s daughter is in her teens. Sure, his wife could be a major pain in the backside, but denying visitation? Not bloody likely. Not at this age. There are just too many ways to communicate and facilitate meetings.   (You are forgetting one important  point:  how does a man stop his ex-wife/wife from brainwashing the child against him?  Are you so naive as to think this doesn’t happen?)  Yes.. I have seen enough claims of abuse being made, but the courts are not blind to the context. The burden of proof would be on her. And do you think the daughter would back those claims up?  (No one said anything about abuse.  But the mother has poisoned the child’s mind against his family.  I have no doubt she will do the same with him.  I’ve heard some comments the wife has made to the child about him and it’s not pretty.)

There were some other statements made that can be read in the comments section.  I just find no need to kick a dead horse by giving responses again….

I did see you mention in another post that you don’t think he’s cheating on you. But truly.. what do you think that the odds are.. that within the last 10 years or so.. that he hasn’t had sex with his wife? Yeah.. no desire for intimacy,.. I heard that part. Month? Sure. 6 months? umm.. ok. Year? Yeah.. not buying it. I have seen some pretty combative, toxic and seemingly indifferent relationships where sex was still happening. Bottom line.. I still think he’s having sex with her. I’ll buy not very often, but in 10 years? Ill stick with the odds on that one.  (Here is what leads me to believe Former MM hasn’t read all of my posts.  It’s not my guy who stopped having sex with his wife; SHE no longer wants to be touched.  It happens.  Some women go through the motions of liking sex, but they don’t.  They will use any excuse not to do it.  I know when I knew my marriage was over, every night, I would “fall asleep” on the couch knowing that my husband wouldn’t bother to wake me to come to bed.  You can believe what you will, but I know in my heart that he’s not cheating on me with his wife or anyone else.  We have discussed this, and he did confirm that in the beginning, when our relationship was just an affair, she would consent to sex once in a while.  It got to be too much of a chore to even ask, so after about 6 months or so, he stopped asking and she never offered.)

Regardless.. I don’t see how you would give people help on being the OW, when even in this outlier of affairs that you claim to be in, its hardly an ideal relationship. We all go into any relationship knowing.. that one day it may end. If we are truly happy.. we would like that it wouldn’t.. but that is the reality of a relationship. However, most of us aren’t in a relationship where the Sword of Damocles is so prominently positioned above their head. Hardly something to strive for.  (Any relationship could end at any time.  Does that mean we should never try?  At any given moment, life could step in and give us all a blow.  Not  perfect?  No.  But what relationship is perfect?  Anyone thinking this is the delusional one.)

My OW used to say.. and I believed her.. that the most painful thing for her was when I left her to go home. It sparked many a row between us. Why she settled for me in the relationship we had is beyond my comprehension. Similarly.. why you settle for this is equally beyond my comprehension.   (In the beginning, I used to feel lonely when he left.  Now, I find that I have just as full of a life when he’s not with me.  I meet with friends at least once a month for girls’ night.  In fact, some of these friends will be coming with me on vacation soon.  Do I miss him when I’m away?  Not really.  After all, he calls me every day.  This is my time to do things that I don’t do with my guy.  Nothing wrong with that.   Besides, I really do like my alone time.  I don’t feel that I’m settling for anything.)

So, even though this Former MM feels that I’m settling and being cheated on, I know he’s wrong.  That may have been true with his OW, but I know my situation is different.  EVERY situation is different.  I am luckier than most OW because I have a lot of time with my MM.   also have a lot of time alone.  I’m happy with it either way.

Being in Public with Your Married Lover

Being Out In Public

I don’t know how many “other women” have as much time out with their men as I do, but I’m sure some do.  My man and I go out a lot.  Some weeks, we go out to dinner at least 4 times.  Besides going out for dinner, we stop at the local DD for coffee just about every day.  The people we see in our every day lives think we’re married.  It’s kind of crazy, but we have this interesting kind of vibe that people find amusing.   There was a guy standing in line in front of us at DD the other day and before he left, he turned to us and said, “I love seeing you guys in here….you always make me smile!  Just looking at you both, and the way you joke around with each other, I could tell that you’ve been married a long time.”  Uh, huh.

We get that a lot from people we see often.  Waiters, waitresses, cashiers….they always ask us how long we’ve been married.  Earlier today, I told my guy that just once, when someone asks if we’re married, I want to say, “I’m not married, but HE is….”.  I wonder what kind of reaction we would get.  Could be interesting!

We definitely don’t try to hide.  Of course, it helps that his wife is at home about an hour away from where I live.  Whether we’re at home (my house) or out somewhere, we are always ourselves.  We’re actually kids in adult bodies.  We play around alot.  He’ll pull my hair like a kindergartener and when he’s not looking, I’ll whip my braid around and smack him with it.  We joke around with each other about really dumb things and we both LOVE to people watch!!!  If I see someone strange, all I have to do is gently nudge him or subtly lean into him, and he knows exactly who I’m looking at.

When he got out of work today, he came to get me and we went to the recycling center.  His town doesn’t have one, so he brings all his stuff to my town once a month or so.  He had two bags full of newspapers, one big, one small.  I figured I’d get them into the bin while he was getting rid of bottles, so, there I was, trying to carry these two bags.  He came up behind me and said, “Let me help you with that…” and grabbed the smaller bag.  I just shook my head, started laughing and called him a “dick”.   Two older men who were walking past us just started cracking up.  One of them said, “That’s the way to do it.” and the other one looked at me and said, “He may be a dick, but I could tell you love him anyway.”  (BTW…he’s not really a dick.)  Anyway…like I said….people find us approachable, I guess.

Over the weekend, we have been invited to go bowling with his aunts and cousins.  It’s a family tradition of 50 years to take one of the cousins bowling for her birthday.  It started when she was 7 and continues now that she’s 57.  He can’t bowl because of an old shoulder injury, but he’ll watch us all and keep score.  We’ll be going to a local bowling alley where he knows most of the people who hang out there.  Obviously, he doesn’t care who sees him with me.

All of this is what he doesn’t have with his wife.  I know this not because it’s what he tells me, but it’s what his family and friends tell me.  I feel bad that his daughter can’t see us together.  What she sees at home are two people who barely talk and who only interact when they have to.  If they all go shopping together, he walks ahead with his daughter.  His wife doesn’t really talk to either of them when they’re out in public.  It’s really sad, when you think about it.  I feel that a child should see his or her parents laughing with each other and playing every now and then.

Even though we go out all the time, we’re not stupid about it.  We aren’t about to go somewhere that his wife’s family or friends would be at.  That would just cause his wife a lot of humiliation and hurt (even though she pretty much threw him away, nobody wants to see someone you are or were dating or married to having fun with someone else).  We’re not cruel.  We will not throw our happiness in his wife’s face. We will continue on as we are right now.  It’s not all fun and games, we have our fights.  In fact, right now, I don’t like him very much, but I like him more than I did earlier in the week.

I guess it all depends on what the man’s (or woman’s) marriage is like.  My man’s wife doesn’t care that he’s not home, which gives us the chance to be together all the time.  Going out with a married lover is possible.  It just needs to be done so no one is being hurt.

Is it an Affair or a Relationship?

The other night, I was talking to a friend and, in her infinite wisdom, reminded me that there IS a difference between an affair and a relationship.

An affair is a fling.  There isn’t any commitment involved.  The husband (or wife) is bored with the marriage.  Maybe having a child put a strain in the relationship.  A man will sometimes feel like he lost the woman he fell in love with.  It’s natural…babies are needy and can’t do things for themselves.  His wife spends hours on end with the new baby and it’s easy for her to forget that the grown man she married needs some attention too.   So what does he do?  He maybe meets someone who makes him feel important.  That progresses to them having sex.  The husband feels guilty about this because, really, his wife hasn’t done anything “wrong”…she just stopped being the sexy, fun-loving person he fell in love with.   The guilt gets to be too much or it gets harder and harder to get away, so eventually, the affair fizzles out.  In other words, an affair is generally a short term fix that is mostly kept hidden from everyone.  Once his wife finds out about the affair or she starts being her old self again, the affair is over.

Before I continue, let me just say that I know having a baby is exhausting!  I’ve been through it.  It’s hard to feel sexy and free spirited when you can’t keep your eyes open!  Is an exhausted wife any reason for a man to run to someone else?  No.  If a man feels deprived of attention, he needs to have a conversation with his significant other to let her know how he feels.  Then, maybe, they can come up with a solution to the problem other than him finding another woman to make him feel wanted.

That being said, I have also seen some women use a new baby as an “excuse” to no longer have sex.   How many times can a man hear “I’m SOOOOO tired”, or “We’ll wake the baby”?  Babies sleep.  After a few weeks of having the baby home, a routine is established.  Babies sleep and that should be the time for Mommy to catch a nap too!  Seriously…ask your husband what he would prefer;  no dirty dishes in the sink or a rested, happy wife?  For the record, HE can do some housework too.

OK, so, it happens.  He has an affair.  Time goes on and nothing changes at home.  He sees more and more of his other woman.  Then, one day he realizes that he has more feelings for his girlfriend than he does for his wife.  He leaves the house earlier in the morning so he could stop at his girlfriend’s house to have breakfast, or just a cup of coffee.  He stops by after work and they either go out to dinner or they stay in and cook.  He spends more time at his girlfriend’s house and finds that he’s much happier.  They go out together, they see friends and family, they don’t hide the fact that they’re seeing each other.   This affair has now turned into a relationship.

An affair usually means sex and take out.  A relationship means sharing lives.  I know exactly when the affair with my man turned into a relationship.  It was about six years ago and I was in Florida visiting my son.  I was at the pool one day and was talking to a few people about restaurants.  The only male there was telling us about his favorite restaurant, but he didn’t like going there alone.  Since his wife and son weren’t with him on that particular trip, he asked me if I wanted to go with him.  I knew he was “safe”, so I agreed.  We went to the restaurant the next night and had a great time.  He introduced me to steak tartare and crepe Suzettes.  We talked, we took a walk around the financial district since I had never been there and we were home before midnight.  We then sat by the pool with a few other people sharing a bottle of wine.

I had always been open with my man, so he knew that I was going out with this friend.  However, I guess it made him think that if I could go out with this guy, what was to stop me from actually dating?  My birthday was a week after I got home from that trip.  When he came over after work, he had a gorgeous necklace for me.  It was a heart within a heart and it had a diamond in the middle.  Then, he told me that we were going out for dinner.  We joked about that being our “first date”.  We went to my favorite steak house and over dinner he was so romantic it was sappy!  He said that he realized that we had been together for a few years and that technically this was our first official date, but that it was just the beginning.  Then he started talking about the necklace and that when he saw it he was reminded of us and that it symbolized his heart protecting my heart.  I looked at him and said, “You know…that’s all fine and dandy and very sweet, but, since this is our first date, you won’t be getting laid.”   That was the beginning.  We have a real date night at least once a week.

Our relationship has progressed from that one night a week to him being here every night.  He helps around the house, he watches my pets when I go away, we go food shopping and cook together, we walk together, we go visiting.  We hang out and watch movies (well, he watches the movie and I usually fall asleep!).  People accept us as a couple.  When people tell me there is no commitment here, I have to laugh.  He may not be supporting me financially, but I have his emotional support and love.  I’m happy with that.

 

 

 

 

 

Sugar or Equal to Help With That Bitterness?

I have received my first negative comment on this blog! Unfortunately, it was from someone who really never read through my posts. Rather than just send a reply, I thought I’d share. Here is the comment:

Right now, I’m raising my arms above my head, trying to pull my brain back into my body. Are you fucking serious? You wasted 9 years as the OW? Just mind blowing.

I’m not the OW (just take a guess at my role), though I do know her. She’s an imbecile. If that’s what men really want, go at it. Us smarter, more evolved women will be standing here on the hill laughing our asses off on the way to divorce court. And also laughing our asses off knowing that you’re only a piece of ass not even worthy of public recognition.

Let’s pick this apart, shall we? First of all, I do believe I have a post up that’s titled “Wasting Time?”. I’ll go over this again. How can it be considered wasting time when I’m living my life? I’m not sitting around just waiting for my man to come here, and when he IS here, we certainly aren’t hiding. We go out at least twice a week, but usually more. We go out with friends, we visit family (both his and mine), he helps me with the yard work, he’s currently helping me with some home renovations, we go shopping, we cook together, we watch movies, we laugh and we fight.   In other words, we have a REAL relationship.

Going by the second paragraph, I’m guessing that this comment is from a woman who has a cheating husband.  Well, I’m sorry about that.  Maybe she could benefit from my posts about how a wife could save her marriage by paying some attention to her husband.   My relationship started off as a friendship.  We spent hours talking.  We still spend hours talking.  Contrary to your belief, there are men out there who are cheating on their wives not for the sex, but for the emotional connection and the conversation.  The sex is a perk.

I think it’s sad that this person feels that her trip to divorce court is a laughing matter.  Obviously, the marriage wasn’t worth that much to begin with if divorce  was the only option she could think of.   It makes me wonder if she did anything to try to save her marriage.   Honestly, I’ve never been in that situation, but I would think that if the marriage was important, the one being cheated on (whether it’s the man or woman) would talk to their spouse and ask “Why?”.   She calls the other woman an “imbecile” and refers to the wives of cheaters as being more evolved.  I would think that a more evolved woman would  try to understand why her husband found the need to cheat.   Maybe there’s a chance to turn things around.

Don’t waste time on bitterness.   You chose the easy way out (divorce) rather than do the work it would take to save the marriage.  Your loss.  I just hope that if there are children involved, you decide to take the high road and not bad-mouth their father and (if he’s still with his mistress), his new girlfriend.   Don’t transfer your bitterness to your kids.  No matter what happened with you, the kids love their dad.  Let them have a relationship with him.

In closing, I’d like to say one more thing.  It’s now MY turn to laugh my ass off!  I’m nothing but a piece of ass?????  I think I’ve gotten the point across that I’m NOT just a piece of ass, but, at my age, I’m happy that someone would THINK  I’m a piece of ass!!!  So….thank you!

 

It’s Been a Long Time….

As the summer progresses, I’m realizing that the 9th anniversary with my man is coming. Nine years. That’s a long time.

Through the years, I’ve gone from frustration at not being able to be with him, to telling him it had to be over, to wanting him to get our affair out into the open and move in with me, to where I am now, which is pretty much content with the way things are. I don’t know if that’s a good thing, but I’m relatively happy. I say I don’t know if it’s a good thing because I sometimes wonder if my apathy means I just don’t care about him as much anymore.

Actually, after 9 years, I’ve come to realize that we’re not only lovers; we’re also best friends. It’s not that I don’t care about him, it’s that I care more than ever and I’m just more secure in our relationship. It’s been a long time coming, but I’m now in a place where I don’t need him living with me to know that HE cares. Yes….sometimes it feels like we’re kids with a curfew, but as time goes by, the times I feel like this are few and far between. We enjoy our time together and neither of us want to give it up.

Now that it’s summer, we have a lot more time together. We work together on weekends and most weekends, he stays with me. It makes more sense that way. He lives about an hour away from the shop, I’m only 10 minutes away. When a job calls for us to be at the shop by 5:30 AM, being 10 minutes away is a good thing. Also, we don’t end our day until at least midnight most times. After working that long, he’s exhausted, so the hour drive simply isn’t doable. I have no idea what he tells his wife when he’s gone all weekend. I don’t ask because I really don’t need to know. I do know one thing: his wife doesn’t care if he’s home or not.

In the 9 years we’ve been together, we’ve worked weekends together for 5 of those years. In the beginning, he went home after each job. Little by little, he’s been staying with me more and more. When we work, it’s usually at a street fair or some kind of festival. When we work a public event, I used to worry that his wife would bring his daughter to one of them. She hasn’t.

As this 9th anniversary approaches, I think of the progress we’ve made over the years. We’ve had fights, we’ve helped each other when we were sick, we’ve had serious discussions, we’ve worked and we’ve played. I’ve come a long way since the early years when I was so unsure of him and his feelings for me. Over the years, he’s made it a point to show me how important I am in his life. I think at this point in our relationship, he’s the one who’s starting to feel a bit insecure. He knows he can’t stop me from doing things without him and he sees that I’m taking full advantage of our time apart. Who knows…..maybe in another 9 years, HE’LL be secure too.

Happy anniversary!

Waste of Time?

I have friends who have asked me why I’m wasting my time being with a married man Someone looking to get married may consider this a waste of time, but I don’t.

When you’re with a married man, you need to accept that it is what it is. There are things you can’t expect. You can’t expect him to leave his wife for you because sometimes, it’s just not possible. You can’t expect him to pay your bills. You can’t expect to go on a real vacation with him. You can’t expect to be able to call him any time of the day or night. You can’t expect him to be with you on “family” holidays. If you don’t expect anything, whatever extra time you have with him is gold.

This past holiday weekend, my guy and I worked together every day, so he stayed with me from Friday night to Tuesday morning. That was unusual. He left me for a few hours on Saturday night to take his daughter to see the fireworks, but when he brought her home, he came back to me.

I see my man more then most “mistresses” see their men. He’s with me almost every day after work and almost every Saturday. He’s only not with me when he has plans with his daughter. I like spending time with him. We genuinely like each other. We could spend hours talking, we go to restaurants, we watch movies, we do yard work and house work, we take day trips. We also work together on some weekends. I don’t think many other “other women” get that much time with their guys.

So, if you know you’ll have a lot of time alone, you need hobbies! I read a lot, I play video games, I play volleyball, I take long walks, I go out with friends. I keep myself very occupied. How is this wasting time???? As I’ve said, I don’t want to get married again. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Right now, I’m in a relationship that gives me time to be alone to do what I want to do just for me.

Right now, there’s no one else I’m interested in. One thing I’ve been upfront about is that if I meet someone I’m interested in and have the opportunity to date, I will. After 8 years of being with my married lover, I will give him the option to either get our relationship out in the open (I mean with his wife since everyone else knows about us) or let me go. It’s only fair that I discuss this with him.

No, I don’t consider this relationship as a waste of time. A waste of time would be if I just sat home waiting for him to call or come over and let life pass me by. That’s not what I do. Yeah, it would be nice to go away with him every now and then, but I’ll take what I can. In the meantime, I’m enjoying my life.

Things I Don’t Get….#1

There are many things I don’t get when it comes to my situation. One thing I don’t get is: If you love your husband and want to keep him, why did you alienate him?

My man is a good man. He does his best to support his family. All he asked for in return was some attention and affection. He got neither. As soon as his daughter was born, things changed. His wife no longer wanted him to touch her. Not just in a sexual way, either. She stopped wanting him to kiss her or even hug her. She told him that her doctor told her that the birth turned off a “switch” in her, which triggered an early menopause, that made her lose all interest in any form of affection.

I’m not buying it. True, I’m not a doctor, but I’ve never heard of such a “switch”. I know that some women DO lose an interest in sex during menopause, but I’ve never heard of any doctor telling a woman to just accept it because nothing can be done to help. This is a woman who is older than her husband by a few years. How could she expect him, at the age of 35, to accept that not only will he never have sex again, but he also will never get to cuddle or be kissed?

After a few years of being rejected and hearing excuses, he turned to me. I guess we got reacquainted at the right time. Our relationship started out as a friendship. In the beginning, there was no sex. It progressed slowly from talking, to hugging and kissing, then finally to sex. When I found out he was married, before I went any further with the relationship, I told him to try to make things work with his wife. I had been through having kids myself and know how tiring it can be. But I also know that kids sleep, and that leaves mommy and daddy alone time to do whatever: watch a movie while snuggled up on the couch, have a romantic dinner (candles and takeout will do), put on some sexy lingerie and see where it goes….

OK…so I suggested he try to make things work with his wife. When his daughter was born, he bought his wife some lingerie that she never wore. She told him that when they got a house, she would wear it, so he went home one night and laid it out on the bed. She went to the bedroom and he gave her some time before he went upstairs. When he got to the bedroom, the lingerie was no longer on the bed, but it also was not on his wife. She was in flannels, said she was tired and wanted to sleep alone. HELLO!!!! Your man TRIED to do something nice, and you reject him? That was when he started sleeping on the couch. She’s never asked if he was ever coming back to the bedroom. She’s also never tried to be affectionate towards him.

I get that having and caring for a baby is tiring. I did it myself….TWICE….with a man who never helped. He was like my third kid. My ex-husband never came with me to doctor’s appointments (pre-natal or pediatrician). He only agreed to be in the delivery room with me because I wanted to have natural childbirth and told him that if he wouldn’t be there, I would have a gay, male friend with me who was very excited about the birth. My ex-husband never gave either kid a bath, never fed them, never changed a diaper, never came with us to the park. To this day, even as my kids are grown, he does nothing. My older son lives 4 hours away from his father and my ex has never made the effort to see where his son lives. I had to do it all: cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, childcare. My man is not like that. He was there in every way: at doctor’s appointments, helping with feedings, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping. His wife didn’t appreciate any of it. Now, he has me. I appreciate all he does for me (and he does a lot).

He still does all the work around his house and takes care of his daughter when his wife goes out. He cooks for his daughter and brings her special treats. You may ask, “What good is it? He’s never home!” He’s home when he’s needed. He’s home every Sunday to do chores around the house. He’s at his daughter’s school for special events. He participates in every Father/Daughter event. If he’s not home before her bedtime, he calls his daughter to talk about her day and to say good night. His daughter knows he cares about her.

So, I really don’t get how a woman, who has a good man, just throws him away.

How could she NOT know?

Here’s the thing: I don’t understand how his wife doesn’t know he’s seeing someone. Every Saturday, he leaves the house by 10 AM to be with me. We go to breakfast, do housework and repairs, we do yard work and just hang out together until at least midnight. Weekdays, he gets out of work at 3:30, yet doesn’t get home until 10 or 11 PM.

She has a house, she doesn’t have to share a bed with anyone, she doesn’t have to go grocery shopping, she doesn’t have to cook, she doesn’t have to do his laundry, she has him to pay the mortgage and other bills and she gets a vacation once a year. Who would complain? Bottom line is that she just doesn’t want him, yet she doesn’t want to give him up because then she feels her free ride would be over. What she doesn’t realize is that he will continue to pay for the house and the bills because he wants his daughter to grow up in a house with a yard. He’s not a deadbeat and he loves his daughter. He’s not going to leave her out in the cold.

I’m more of a “wife” to him than she is. I listen to him complain. We cook together. We clean together. We visit his relatives. We fight. We make up. He doesn’t have any of these things at home. At home, he has his daughter and he spends as much time with her as he can. He’s there for all of her school functions and for all the “extras”. When he’s with me, he calls his daughter at her bedtime to talk to her about her day and to say good night.

So, again, how can this wife NOT know? The answer is, she DOES know, she just doesn’t care.

Happy New Year

Every New Year’s Day, I go through the same thing: I try to decide if I want to be alone another New Year’s Eve/Day, or do I end this relationship?

My man was here the other day and when he left, he told me he would be here on New Year’s Day. It would have been the first time in all the time we’ve been together that we’ve spent this day together. I didn’t know what time he would be here, but usually, he’ll call me as he’s driving down. When he comes here, we go out to breakfast, so I didn’t eat. It was about 12:30 when he called from his phone (not a good sign). He’s not feeling well, running a fever, and he’s not coming. Not only is he not coming, he also said that he probably wouldn’t be going to work next week. I didn’t take it well. Basically, I hung up on him.

Am I being unsympathetic to his being sick? No. I understand that people get sick and it’s beyond their control. The problem arises that tomorrow, he’ll be “well enough” to entertain his sister and her boyfriend. Also, if he kept the promise to me that he would be with me, this wouldn’t be an issue. He’d be here. The other problem arises that he says he won’t be going to work all week. Why is that a problem? It’s a problem because before he left me last weekend, I asked why he was being so nice and how many weeks will it be before I see him. He told me that he would be down during the week and then it will be back to work, so I would MAYBE not see him for a few days. Enter Blizzard of 2010. By the time he got here, it was Thursday. That’s when he told me that his sister invited herself over for Sunday and we went to get the groceries for the dinner he was going to be making for them. That’s also when he told me that he would be here on Saturday (today). Now, he’s sick. Not only that, but I now feel that I screwed up his plan to be all romantic and sweet so he could prime me for his news that he was taking not one but TWO weeks off of work. Once I asked how many weeks I wouldn’t see him, he had to come up with Plan B.

I don’t think he does this to purposely hurt me. I seriously think that being a male, he’s naturally stupid. He feels that if he doesn’t tell me something, it can’t hurt me. We’ve had this conversation. It doesn’t sink in.

See, he knew how much I needed to be with him this weekend. I think I’ve mentioned that on Monday, I’ll be going to work for the first time in over a month. I’m not looking forward to it. The day and week are going to be hell. My boss is certifiably crazy and the only reason I’m still there is because in this economy, no one is hiring full time. If I could work full time in the local Stop N Shop, I’d give my notice in a flash! Screw the salary. It’s close and I could walk. He knows how I feel about this whole thing and he still made no effort to get here.

This is a BIG disadvantage of seeing a married man. He’s never around when you need him.