Tag Archive | parents talking bad about each other

Add “Bat-Shit Crazy” to My List of Titles!

************, you are so utterly deluded, I find myself literally lol’ing at what you have to write. :)

Now I have gone from being a “very delusional person” to “utterly deluded”.   Again…at least I still have the power to make someone laugh.  :-D

And we’re not done yet!!!!!  Here we are on April 10 at 6:33 PM

You say: At 10, she should be able to understand that she would probably see her dad more if he wasn’t living with her.

This makes no damn sense!

Followed by this: I miss not knowing his daughter. When I go on vacation, I always make it a point to bring something home for her.

You have FAILED in your effort to replace his wife. Now you want to replace the wife as MOTHER of her own child?!?

You can deny that all you like, as you didn’t actually type out the words. I’ve read your entire blog. The fact that you desperately WANT to replace his wife, but have continuously failed for the last 11 years comes through loud and clear.

I’m sure that WH gives your gifts to his child. You really are in denial, OW.

There is absolutely NO universe in which his daughter is going to accept you. The fact that you are trying to buy her speaks to your level of desperation.

The only hope you ever have of getting WH is if his W finds out, kicks his rump to the curb and divorces. He might then settle for you. Or not.

So, you can’t see how not living in the home my MM’s daughter will probably see him more?  Let me explain:

He is with me right after work and gets home when his daughter is in bed.  He says a quick “good night” to her, then it’s time for him to get to sleep because he has to be up at 5:00 AM to get to work.  He works all day Saturday, then he’s with me until 1:00 or 2:00 AM.  During the summer season, we work together most Sundays at our weekend job. 

If he was living with me, he would be able to get his daughter after work and take her for dinner a few times a week.  That’s more than what she’s getting now.  She would also be able to go to our jobs on Sundays and maybe help out.  More time to spend with Dad.  I don’t have to work these jobs, so I could stick with her to make sure she’s totally safe.  Does that make me want to replace her mother, or just play “babysitter” for a day?

You seem to be under the impression that I am trying to “replace” his wife, but that isn’t the case.  I’m quite content with the relationship as it is.  Yes, I would like to know his daughter, but that’s not possible right now and I don’t know if that will ever be possible.  Even if  my MM and I end up living together at some point, I will not want to be a “replacement mother”.  She has a mother and that will never change.  I’m not about to take someone’s child away from them.  Goddess knows that I raised my two boys and I don’t want to raise someone else’s child.  That doesn’t mean that I can’t care about her well-being or wouldn’t be there if she needs another ear to listen if she has a problem.  I would care for her as I care for the younger children of my friends.  I also would never try to turn her away from her mother (because that is what you seem to be implying). 

I don’t know where you get that I want to replace his child’s mother because I bring her something back when I go on vacation.  You say that I’m showing desperation by trying to “buy” her.  By “bringing something back” I mean that I’ll bring her a pretty shell that I find, or a key-chain or one year, I brought a small vial filled with sand from my beach with tiny shells mixed in.  I doubt very much any of these things would “buy” a child’s love and acceptance.  His daughter knows me as a friend of her father’s and the “mother” of my two fur-babies that he brings home when I’m on vacation (my condo association doesn’t allow pets) and I’m the one who watches HER pets when they are away.  So, yes, he does bring his daughter the stupid little things I bring back for her.

I refuse to go over the same dead horse over and over again about how his daughter will not accept me….EVER.  I have said that my MM (WTF is “WH”?!??!?) and I have discussed this subject.  The longer the lie goes on, the less chance there will be of being accepted as even just a friend, nevermind her father’s girlfriend.  

I have not FAILED to take my MM’s wife’s place.  I never tried to take her place.  Yes, this relationship has been going on for 11 years, but I’m not looking to be anyone’s wife.  This would be the case even if I was seeing a single man.  I was a wife…been there, done that, got the divorce.  I don’t need to be married.  

Now I need to point out that you are taking my situation and comparing it to yours.  You are obviously still bitter about your husband’s affair.  I don’t know if the wound is still fresh or if you’re letting the bitterness grow and fester instead of moving on with your life.  Just by your many comments to me, I can see that you can’t let go of this hurt (that also shows in your email address, which I will not make public here).

Maybe you were a wonderful wife who doted on her husband.  Maybe you had no idea that he was cheating on you until it came up to bite you in the face.  That sucks…and I don’t mean that sarcastically.  It really and truly sucks.  But, I can tell you that my MM is NOT like your husband.  He married someone who stopped loving him.  Their lives took different turns, but for reasons of their own, they will stay together, but live separate lives unless there is something they must do together for their daughter. 

I hope that you are able to let go of the hurt, because if you can’t your life will continue to be miserable. 

This person obviously doesn’t agree with my relationship with a MM, yet she kept reading and responding.  She is a prime example of those who cannot accept that sometimes, life throws us curve balls.  I never thought that I would be in a relationship with a married man….NEVER!  But, never say never.

For The First Mrs and those who feel the same as she, I need to again say that most OW did not set out to look for relationships with married men.  Marriages fail and affairs happen.  Some are one-night stands while others, like mine, are long-term.

Personally, I don’t agree with women who actually DO look to meet married men.  I don’t understand actually searching for this kind of life, but, it happens.  I suspect that many of these women aren’t in it for anything long-term, they are just enjoying the moment.  Is an affair all the fault of the other woman, no matter what the circumstances?  No….absolutely not.  But, the OW  gets all the blame.  SHE is the “home-wrecking whore”.  What about the men who allowed the affair to happen knowing that they are married (at times to great women who do nothing but love them and want to make good homes for them)?  They never seem to get blamed for this.  It’s always “Boys will be boys” or “Men weren’t made to be monogamous”.

I’ve said it before and it’s worth repeating:  A man who is happy in his marriage will not cheat!  He may look, but he won’t touch because he respects and loves his wife.  “But, honey, I was drunk” doesn’t fly as an excuse.  A happily married man who has a great wife should know his limits and to not put himself in the position to be “seduced” by another woman.   But, a one-night stand with a stranger is one thing; a long-term relationship that is both emotional and intimate  is another.  That means there is REAL trouble in the marriage.

No affair is the same.  They happen for many reasons.  Black and white don’t apply to this topic.  Don’t try to make them apply.

 

 

 

 

Why Is He Still Married If He Really Does Love Me?

Lately, I have been asked the same question over and over again:  If he loves you so much, why is your man still married?

What’s the problem?  You talk to your spouse, tell him or her that you no longer want to be married, you discuss child support and/or alimony, you discuss visitation, you hire an attorney and the rest is waiting for the Judge signs the papers, right?  WRONG!

The reality is that there are some spouses who , even though they no longer want their partners, will not make things easy when it comes to divorce.  I have worked for attorneys for years, and I’ve seen a lot.   Custody, visitation and child support could all be agreed on and papers finalized, but visitation is still controlled by the whims of the custodial parent.  True, when visitation is denied, it could be brought back to Court, but that would involve more legal fees each time it goes before the Judge.

I am the perfect ex-wife.  When I got divorced 26 years ago, I made a promise to myself that I would let my kids’ father see them whenever he wanted.  All I asked for was a little bit of notice.  I also promised myself that I would never talk bad about him when the kids were around and could possibly hear.  I figured that if he was as much of an ass as I thought he was, in time, the kids would see it for themselves.   I’ve kept those promises.  At the time, I wasn’t working and was granted temporary alimony for a year.  After 6 months, I got a job, so I told my ex that he didn’t have to pay the alimony any more.   I didn’t want him, so why would I want him to support me?  The only thing I asked for was child support.   Not all women are like me.   There are some who will not want their husbands, but they also don’t want to see those husbands happy in another relationship.   They will fight tooth and nail to try to ruin the men financially.   They will take every opportunity tell the kids how “bad” their father is.   This isn’t fair to the kids and it’s not fair to the dad. 

While my man is still married, he is only supporting one household.  He can see his daughter every day and he is involved in her life.  If he was divorced, he may not be told about school concerts or father/daughter dances or any other event that he should go to.  One day, when he was with me, his daughter called him to ask if he could take her to a fishing contest the next day.  Her mother took the phone from her, said “Your father doesn’t have time for you.” and hung up the phone.   He was furious!  The one thing he’s always done is make time for his daughter.  When he got home, he woke her up to tell her that not only would he take her fishing, but they would also go out for lunch afterwards.  This is while he’s living with his wife.  I’d hate to think what his wife would have said if he wasn’t living there.  I don’t understand why people try to hurt their children like that.

Will I ever demand that he divorce his wife?  No.  That’s not my place.  He needs to do what he feels is right.

Do I wish he wasn’t married?  Of course!  I don’t like seeing (or hearing about) him being put down.

Do I feel that I’m “second best” or “settling” for a part-time relationship?  Not at all.  He’s with me a lot.  We have a good relationship that isn’t all about sex.  He’s my best friend as well as my lover.  We’re more of the married couple than he and his wife are.

Would I recommend dating a married man to anyone?  HELL, NO!!!  Not every other woman sees her man as much as I see mine.  Even though a relationship with a married man can work, it’s hard.  There’s a lot of time alone and there’s a lot of hurt.  Also, how do you know, especially in the beginning, that he’s being honest with you about his marital situation?  After all this time, I’ve learned that my man really is being honest with me, but it took a long time to fully understand that.

I’ve heard some women say, “He told me that he’s filing for divorce next week”.  OK…fine…then wait a week and SHOW ME THE PAPERS!!!!

 

Cheating Isn’t Always Black and White…There are Shades of Grey – Part 1

I received a comment today from someone who thinks they know who I am.   This person also feels that they know what my relationship with my married lover is all about.   For the record, I copied and pasted the comment as is.  I didn’t change a word in the original;  just added MY comments.  Here it is (with my comments in bold italics):

Ma’am you are just a piece of tail at this point. And at your age, you should be ashamed for not requiring more of this guy. The reason you are still with this man and allow him to treat you this way is because you have low self esteem. (Can someone my age REALLY be considered “just a piece of tail”?  I guess I always thought of “a piece of tail” as someone much younger.  My bad.  Why should I be ashamed of not requiring more of this guy?  I’m a self-sufficient woman.  I don’t need a man to support me.  My self-esteem is quite good, thank you very much.  I like myself enough to want to spend time with me.) You care about this man deeply and think because he spends a few days a week with you he’s committed- but those no such thing as a 50% commitment- you are being used and he and his buddies are laughing at you even as I type this e-mail.(Yes, I do care deeply about this man and I know he cares deeply about me.  This is not because he spends a few days a week with me.  This is because he shows me every day how much he cares.  I know most of his friends and I can assure you that they are NOT laughing at me.  Well….when we’re all together, we do laugh a lot, but that’s something different, isn’t it?) I guarantee you if you put your foot down and say to this guy, leave your wife and be with me, he would NOT do that and you would be s.o.l.(I know he wouldn’t leave his wife at this time.  I have no delusions about that.  It’s not the right time.  His child is young and needs him there.  He’s very involved in her life and that’s how it SHOULD be.  So, I don’t feel that I would be “S.O.L”.  Let’s continue, shall we?) You’re probably saying “I don’t want him to leave his wife, I like it this way” but the truth is you’ve learned to tolerate it this way because that is all he will allow you.(Really?  I only “tolerate” this because this is all he “allows” me to have?  Yes, there was a point where I thought I wanted him to leave his wife and be with me.  We talked about this.  Right now, it’s not possible.  I don’t tolerate it, I accept it.) It’s embarrassing to be the Other Women- because no one respects you. People view you as the fool, the whore, the homewrecker and you think you’ve got the advantage.(I’m not in the least embarrassed.  You are someone who really doesn’t know me.  Not only do you not know me, or my man, you haven’t read my whole blog.  His family invites me to their homes for birthdays, anniversaries, dinner, dessert and just to play a game of dominoes.  I’ve been there when his cousins and aunts have asked him when he’s going to leave his wife.  They don’t like her.  She has never made any effort to get along with them.  She will not go see them, nor will she let him bring their daughter to see them.  Because of this, his daughter has cousins she sadly does not know.  Is this fair?) You’re probably thinking- “oh his poor wife”(Nope…never thought this at all), but she’s the one with the house ( I have a house of my own), the car (I also have a car that I love), the kids (OMGs!!  I have kids!!!  They’re just not HIS kids, but he gets along with them very nicely.), the life and his balls in a vice (LOL!!!  Yeah…I’ll admit that I have mentioned the balls to him a time or two.  Only I ask if they’re detachable and are put on a shelf when he walks into his house.) and you are a gardener who comes and visits you to rake the leaves twice a week?(Not fair!!!  I help rake the leaves!!!  But seriously, it’s not so much that he does these things for me…we SHARE the work.  If he’s doing work on his cars, I’m there talking to him.  It’s not about him being my gardener…it’s about sharing time.) I am only 29 and I am sure there are a lot of things I don’t understand about marriage, but I do know statistically speaking men most often do NOT leave their wives for the other women- because they don’t have to.(You’re right, you really don’t understand at all.  Divorce is expensive and there are woman who make things far more difficult than they should when it comes to visitation.  I know the statistics.  I also know that if the time comes when I NEED him to live with me for whatever reason, and he refuses, he will no longer be welcome in my home.  But, as I’ve said in other posts, I really do like my alone time.)   The other women is stupid enough to believe that this arrangement is ok and therefore stays engaged in it all the while the guy is living the dream.(He’s not rich.  If he was “living the dream”, he’d be retired in his mansion on the hill.) He tells you “my wife doesn’t understand me, my wife knows I don’t love her, my wife doesn’t sleep with me” all of these are lies (Actually, we don’t talk about his wife much.  She is the mother of his child and I really don’t agree with the trash talk some people engage in.  The only time she pops up in conversation is when he’s so frustrated when he’s not “allowed” to bring his daughter places alone.) - every day he goes home to his wife and tries to make up for cheating on her (He usually gets home very late.  She doesn’t wait up.  I know this….I’ve driven him home the few times his car was in the shop.  She doesn’t even leave a light on for him.) and you are home alone in bed deep down inside hoping that he’ll leave her to be with you (Puleeze!!!  Really?!?!?!  He leaves me and immediately calls me so we can talk on his way home.  When we hang up, I either go to sleep or lie in bed reading, which is something I couldn’t do if he were with me.  If he leaves his wife, that will be HIS choice.). But you better hope that never happens- because then you’ll be his women while sound other lady talks about you- who happens to be his “other women’(IF he ever does leave his wife and moves in with me, I will not make the mistakes that she has made.  I talk to him, I let him vent about work, I actually pay attention to him.). With all due respect ma’am, grow up and stop stealing what doesn’t belong to you (I didn’t “steal” anything.  She let him go.). Find someone who can be devoted to you- you really want that you just don’t think you can get it (I do have someone who is devoted to me.  He just doesn’t live with me.  And, FYI, I get asked out quite a bit. I choose not to accept because, contrary to what you would like to believe, I’m happy.). Good luck

TO BE CONTINUED………

 

 

Things I Don’t Get……#3

Here it is, Wednesday night and my guy just left. We were having a great night, just hanging out, and around 9:00 he went to call his daughter (as he does every night when he’s not with her). When he came back to me, I could tell that he was upset about something, so, I asked what was wrong. He told me that his daughter asked him if he could take her to a church fair the next night and before he could answer, his wife grabbed the phone from his daughter, said, “Your father doesn’t have time for you.” and hung up on him. This really upset him and it also upset me.

That was just so wrong on so many levels. First of all, I don’t care what the circumstances are, you NEVER talk bad about the other parent! This only makes you look like a fool. This is a woman who had a good man and basically threw him away. He’s doing what he needs to do for his daughter. He’s never denied his daughter anything. If she asks him to take her somewhere, he takes her. He’s never said “no” to spending time with her, so mommy’s comment was totally uncalled for. I suggested that from now on, he should tell his daughter to go to her room and turn on her cellphone at 8:30 whenever he’s not home so he can call her without being interrupted.

I never understood trashing the other parent. What’s the point? Does it make the trasher look good? Nope. I know the situation is far from ideal, but this is what happens when you decide to ignore your husband. How long do you think he’s going to be happy without affection? How long will he be happy without someone to talk to? How long will he stick around without someone to have fun with? So now, why are you bashing a man who is trying to balance his life between making himself happy and making his daughter happy?

My guy goes to every school function, takes his daughter fishing, takes her to county fairs, helps her with homework, goes to her school if there’s a problem that needs to be addressed….he’s there for her when she needs him. She knows that she can call him at any time and no matter where he is, if she needs him, he will go to her. How dare her mother try to tell her that her father doesn’t have time for her?!?!??!

It’s times like this where I wish I could go to her and ask what she’s thinking. I understand that she has a cheating husband and in all probability, she knows this, however, she’s the one who threw him away. What was he supposed to do? Stay faithful to someone who wanted nothing to do with him. After 2 years of being ignored, he turned to a friend (me) and we became lovers. In the beginning, I actually tried to get him to save his marriage. I asked him if he was doing all he could to make things better. I gave him suggestions. It was too late for them. She wanted to be left alone and she got what she wanted. It’s now time to lie in that bed she made for herself.

He’s now happy when he’s with me, and he’s with me a lot. His wife has a house with a REAL yard, she has her bills paid, she gets to go on vacation with him, she has him to do all the yard work, she has him to take out the garbage, she has his health insurance and she will get his pension and SSI if something happens to him. I have none of these things. I have him for a few hours a night, 3 or 4 nights a week, and all day Saturday.

My guy’s wife has the freedom to do whatever she wants. If she wants to go out with friends, he’s there to watch his daughter. If she wants to go shopping, he’ll stay home with his daughter and pay the bill for the shopping when it comes in. What she does with her time is up to her.

Yeah….not an ideal situation. Not ideal for anyone involved. But, as I’ve said, he really does try. He’s a good father and he’s always thinking of his daughter even if he’s working and can’t be with her. I’ve also trained him pretty well in the not speaking bad about his wife when his daughter is around thing. He knows my feelings about that. Right now, I don’t get why she can’t give him the same consideration.

So, all you wives out there (and husbands, too)…..no matter what, never, never, NEVER talk trash about the other to your children. Why would you want to try to make your child feel that one of his or her parents is a deadbeat, especially if that parent’s actions say otherwise? Why do you want to confuse your kids like that? Your kids aren’t stupid. If your spouse (or ex-spouse) is as bad as you think, the kids will see it for themselves.

I know it’s hard, but sometimes, as parents, we need to put our feelings aside and do what’s best for our kids.