Tag Archive | relationship

Coming to Terms

I’ve been with my MM for quite a few years now, so I’ve gone through all of the ups, downs and in-betweens of this relationship.  I started off not knowing that this great guy that I had known for years and just became re-acquainted with was married.  When I found out, we were one year into this and sometimes, I ask myself how I didn’t realize something was up.   But, hind-sight is 20/20.

Even when I saw the evidence (his mom’s obituary), I still couldn’t really believe it because it was from a couple of years earlier, so anything could have happened in that time.  The one thing I did was start looking for signs:  female items left in his car (none), longer hair stuck to the passenger seat (never), him using the term “we need to get <whatever> for the house” when I knew he didn’t mean “we” as in him and me (not once).  I let it go because I figured that if there was something he needed to tell me, he would.  After all, we talked about (just about) everything.

When the truth finally came out, I was livid!  His wife had called me, but not to confront me for being the other woman.  It was to explain why people were in my yard taking pictures of one of his cars.  She said she wanted to “surprise” him by having the car restored, but she didn’t sound like a happy wife trying to surprise her husband.   Still, he was married, so whatever it was we had was over.  At least, that’s what I told myself.

He came over that night and I broke it off.   He asked for a chance to explain, and I gave it to him.  He didn’t give me any of the cliche excuses like “My wife doesn’t understand me” or “I love her but I’m not IN love with her”.   He didn’t even tell me he loved ME at that point.  How could he?  He knew he was married and didn’t want to tell me he loved me knowing that I probably would have laughed in his face!

I’ve been through ups and downs with my feelings.  One day feeling like I couldn’t take another night when he left me to go home to his wife.  The next day, knowing that I could count on him to be there for me if I needed him.  I used to feel guilty, but that stopped when I realized that his wife never so much as stopped by to see him when he was working in the garage.  She knew where he was and it was only a few minutes away.  She never made the effort.  She never even called to ask if he needed anything.

I don’t know my man’s wife.  I never did.  One thing I do know is that she is NOT a bad person as some think I believe.  If she was a bad person, my guy would never have fallen in love with her and married her.  What happened was that she stopped loving him.  Many people don’t understand this, but it happens.  I do know that he tried to make things work.  I tried to get him to make things work before I became so emotionally invested in him that my heart would break into a zillion pieces.  She didn’t want things to work.  That’s it.  She just stopped caring.

I have asked myself over and over what HE did to make her stop caring.  I’ve asked him what he did.  He claims to have no idea.  All he knows is that she blamed menopause.  Unfortunately, I know women who use that as an excuse to stop having sex, but she took it to the extreme and didn’t even want to be touched.  I always thought that women who play the menopause card are the ones who really don’t enjoy sex and welcome menopause as an excuse to stop.  Personally, if I had a husband who was younger than me and I lost interest in sex, I would be doing anything I could to try to get that interest back.  Not that sex is THE most important thing, but a big chunk is missing without any intimacy.

It took me a long time to realize that what we have is better than a lot of marriages out there.  We’re friends first, then lovers.  I have my own space and time to do what I want.  He has to do what he feels is right for his daughter and I accept that.  I’m asked how I came to terms with this relationship.  Well, I came to terms by living my own life.  Sure, we have interests together, but I have my own interests that keep me busy.  As the years go by, I realize that this relationship is good for both of us.  We are together more than many married people.  We talk more than most couples (thanks to his commute to and from work calls to me).  When we’re together, we’re a REAL couple in a REAL relationship.  I know, I know….there are some who will disagree and say I’m “settling”.  I’m not settling…I’m happy.  I don’t need to be his wife.  I don’t need to be a mother to his daughter.  I just need to be the one he loves who loves him back.

Right now, I’m going through a time when I want to get out of the north!  He wants me to move closer to him, but I told him that there is no way I will be living in some out of the way area alone.  If he wants me to stay up north, he will have to make a move to be with me.  If he can’t do that, then I am going south.  I have some time to decide what I want to do, but when I’m in a position to move, he will have his option.  In the meantime, I’m looking at real estate down south.  I’ve shown him several of the houses and condos I’m looking at, so he knows this is a very real option for me.  I’m not going to push.  As always, he needs to decide what to do for him.  Whatever happens with this, I’ll come to terms with that too.

 

What If…..?

Lately, I’ve been feeling like I need a change.  A new hair color or cut won’t do it…I mean a REAL change.  Maybe it’s just winter talking, but I’m miserable now that it’s cold out.

Every now and then, I go through periods where I feel like I need to move down to my Florida condo permanently, but once I focus on the “no four-legged pets” by-law, I change my mind.  When I had one quiet dog, I could hide him for a week when I went to visit.  I’d throw him in a backpack and even if I ran into someone in the elevator, they never knew he was there.  I’d take him out of the pack a block away from the building for our walk, then put him back in the pack just before we got back to the building.  It was nice and easy.  Now that I have two dogs, unless they change that by-law, I’m screwed.   OK…so it’s not just the dogs; I also have 4 bunnies and I’m not giving up any rabbits’ feet.  The only “legal” pet I have is a ball python, but would I piss off the condo gods when it was time for his “dinner party”?  All I need is for one of the old fogies to see me coming home with 5 white mice.

Anyway…every time I thought of moving to Florida, I thought Lauderdale condo.  Something changed on this last vacation:  I realized that if I sold my house in NJ, I could actually buy a condo in Key West!  This little epiphany hit me as my friends and I were walking down a side street in Key West and I saw a house with a “For Sale” sign in front.  DUH!  Yes…people LIVE there!!!!

Actually, I think this may be the only part of Florida that I would be absolutely at home in.  I did my research.  According to statistics, the hottest day on record in Key West was 97 degrees in 1880 and the coldest was 41 degrees in 1981.  Considering where I am now, we’ve had some weeks where the temperature has been over 100 degrees or below 20 degrees.  Hurricanes, you say?  HA!  For some reason, the keys aren’t really hard hit.  Yes, there have been some, but I could always plan to be out of town when a big one is set to hit.  I could deal.

My guy has been working long hours rebuilding the plant he works at after Hurricane Sandy destroyed much of it.    There never seemed to be a good time to discuss my “possible moving situation” with him, but I made the time the beginning of January (new year, new plans).  He knows I’ve been miserable here for quite a while (none of it having to do with him) and that I would be selling my house in the near future to get out from where I am.  The thing is, he always thought that I would be moving closer to where he lives, which is in the sticks.

January 4, I sat him down to tell him that I will NOT be moving to the middle of nowhere alone.  I told him that the only way I would consider moving closer to where he lives would be if he moved in with me.  If he couldn’t figure out a way to make that happen, then I would be looking in Key West unless he could find me a nice little house in a small town that I fell in love with.

He knows that this is going to take some time, but he also knows that I plan on going to Florida this year to spend Christmas and New Year’s Eve in Key West with some friends.  At that time, I’ll be looking at some properties that I will have picked out from online sources.

I don’t know if he would be able to make a move out of state with me right now because of his job.  I can’t ask him to leave a job with a good pension to follow my dream.  But, he also knows that I’m serious.  I didn’t give him an ultimatum; even if I move, we can try a long distance relationship, but he will have to make an effort to come down to see me every now and then.  I’ll still have one son in NJ, so I’m sure that I’ll be back every now and then, too.

During the year, we’ll be having these little talks about my move because he tends to think that if he ignores the issue, it will go away.  He needs to be prepared for when it actually happens.  Right now,  I feel that there are more opportunities, job-wise, down there for me.  If I can swing it, I’m ready to go.

So…we’ll see where this year takes me.  Right now, things will stay the same with me and my MM, but he has some thinking to do.  I’m not going to push; he has to figure things out on his own.  If he thinks a long distance relationship will work, that’s fine by me.  I could be perfectly happy in a new place.  Besides, I’m sure that by living in a paradise like Key West, I’ll have plenty of visitors!!!

Being The Other Woman Is Rarely Planned

Contrary to popular belief, there aren’t many women who make a conscious decision to be in a relationship with a married man.  I say “not many” rather than “any” because there are always exceptions to every rule.  There are women who do go out looking to hook up with married men.  These women, though, are usually gold diggers looking to snare a rich guy who will take them on trips, buy them cars, jewelry and sometimes homes.  I am not like these women.

Trust me when I say that if I were to specifically look for a married man, I would be cruising the yacht clubs in Miami and Fort Lauderdale.   His wife would be in the marriage for the money just as I would be in the affair for the money.  While his wife was with him doing volunteer work and going to boring country club and business dinners,  I’d be taken on trips all over the world on his private yacht (hence, the looking in yacht clubs) and I’d buy my jeans and tank tops (I wouldn’t need sweatshirts since I’d winter in Florida and summer in Nantucket) at Neiman Marcus instead of Old Navy.  I’d drive a sporty little BMW instead of a Chevy and I would NEVER buy my Nikes on sale again!  As for those $2 flipflops…fuggetaboudit!  I’d buy the $20 flipflops with the ridiculous flowers and a nice big platform so they’d give me some height.   My maid would clean up after me, the gardener would take care of the perfectly manicured lawn and flowers, the pool boy would make sure the water in my screened in pool and adjoining spa were at the perfect temperatures and pH balances and my house would be kept at a constant 70 degrees.  What a nice world it would be!  ::::::::::::::POP:::::::::::::::

OK….the bubble  has burst.

My guy has a blue collar job and drives an almost 20 year old car that can in no way be considered “classic”.   He can’t afford to take me on trips and he doesn’t shower me with clothes, cars and jewelry.  He works two jobs to keep up with bills and when we go out to dinner, we very rarely go anyplace that has tablecloths.  We don’t have much, but we have more than a lot of people.  What we have can’t be bought.  We have a terrific intimate relationship, but we also have a lasting friendship.   Neither of us would lightly give up what we have with each other.

We’re not together because we planned it, we’re together because life happened.  I’m not a “slut” or a “whore”.  I don’t have “low self-esteem” as some have said in their comments.  I don’t feel “unworthy” of a single man who can give me 100% of himself so I “settled” for the married man I’m with.   I’m not “deluding” myself into thinking I’m happy and that he loves me.  I know these things.  I’m not “wasting” my time with him.  Would things be better if he wasn’t married?  In some ways, yes.  He wouldn’t have to leave me at 2 AM to drive an hour home.  I’d be able to know his daughter.  We’d be able to go to my condo together every now and then, even with his daughter, so I could show her the Florida that I’ve known since I was a kid.   Does any of this make me want to get rid of him for a “nice single man”?  No.  Does it mean that he still loves his wife if he’s not divorcing her?  No.  People can’t seem to wrap their minds around the fact that there is no black and white when it comes to infidelity.

Every relationship has down sides.  In my relationship, the ups make up for the downs.  No…not many women plan for this.  It’s not easy being the other woman.  No matter how busy you are, there are nights alone, vacations alone and holidays alone.   I can hear it now; all the cheated on wives “tsk tsking”.   I can guarantee that all of the “other women” who are reading this aren’t sleeping with happily married men.   If a man has a mistress, he’s not really happy in his marriage, is he?

Is it an Affair or a Relationship?

The other night, I was talking to a friend and, in her infinite wisdom, reminded me that there IS a difference between an affair and a relationship.

An affair is a fling.  There isn’t any commitment involved.  The husband (or wife) is bored with the marriage.  Maybe having a child put a strain in the relationship.  A man will sometimes feel like he lost the woman he fell in love with.  It’s natural…babies are needy and can’t do things for themselves.  His wife spends hours on end with the new baby and it’s easy for her to forget that the grown man she married needs some attention too.   So what does he do?  He maybe meets someone who makes him feel important.  That progresses to them having sex.  The husband feels guilty about this because, really, his wife hasn’t done anything “wrong”…she just stopped being the sexy, fun-loving person he fell in love with.   The guilt gets to be too much or it gets harder and harder to get away, so eventually, the affair fizzles out.  In other words, an affair is generally a short term fix that is mostly kept hidden from everyone.  Once his wife finds out about the affair or she starts being her old self again, the affair is over.

Before I continue, let me just say that I know having a baby is exhausting!  I’ve been through it.  It’s hard to feel sexy and free spirited when you can’t keep your eyes open!  Is an exhausted wife any reason for a man to run to someone else?  No.  If a man feels deprived of attention, he needs to have a conversation with his significant other to let her know how he feels.  Then, maybe, they can come up with a solution to the problem other than him finding another woman to make him feel wanted.

That being said, I have also seen some women use a new baby as an “excuse” to no longer have sex.   How many times can a man hear “I’m SOOOOO tired”, or “We’ll wake the baby”?  Babies sleep.  After a few weeks of having the baby home, a routine is established.  Babies sleep and that should be the time for Mommy to catch a nap too!  Seriously…ask your husband what he would prefer;  no dirty dishes in the sink or a rested, happy wife?  For the record, HE can do some housework too.

OK, so, it happens.  He has an affair.  Time goes on and nothing changes at home.  He sees more and more of his other woman.  Then, one day he realizes that he has more feelings for his girlfriend than he does for his wife.  He leaves the house earlier in the morning so he could stop at his girlfriend’s house to have breakfast, or just a cup of coffee.  He stops by after work and they either go out to dinner or they stay in and cook.  He spends more time at his girlfriend’s house and finds that he’s much happier.  They go out together, they see friends and family, they don’t hide the fact that they’re seeing each other.   This affair has now turned into a relationship.

An affair usually means sex and take out.  A relationship means sharing lives.  I know exactly when the affair with my man turned into a relationship.  It was about six years ago and I was in Florida visiting my son.  I was at the pool one day and was talking to a few people about restaurants.  The only male there was telling us about his favorite restaurant, but he didn’t like going there alone.  Since his wife and son weren’t with him on that particular trip, he asked me if I wanted to go with him.  I knew he was “safe”, so I agreed.  We went to the restaurant the next night and had a great time.  He introduced me to steak tartare and crepe Suzettes.  We talked, we took a walk around the financial district since I had never been there and we were home before midnight.  We then sat by the pool with a few other people sharing a bottle of wine.

I had always been open with my man, so he knew that I was going out with this friend.  However, I guess it made him think that if I could go out with this guy, what was to stop me from actually dating?  My birthday was a week after I got home from that trip.  When he came over after work, he had a gorgeous necklace for me.  It was a heart within a heart and it had a diamond in the middle.  Then, he told me that we were going out for dinner.  We joked about that being our “first date”.  We went to my favorite steak house and over dinner he was so romantic it was sappy!  He said that he realized that we had been together for a few years and that technically this was our first official date, but that it was just the beginning.  Then he started talking about the necklace and that when he saw it he was reminded of us and that it symbolized his heart protecting my heart.  I looked at him and said, “You know…that’s all fine and dandy and very sweet, but, since this is our first date, you won’t be getting laid.”   That was the beginning.  We have a real date night at least once a week.

Our relationship has progressed from that one night a week to him being here every night.  He helps around the house, he watches my pets when I go away, we go food shopping and cook together, we walk together, we go visiting.  We hang out and watch movies (well, he watches the movie and I usually fall asleep!).  People accept us as a couple.  When people tell me there is no commitment here, I have to laugh.  He may not be supporting me financially, but I have his emotional support and love.  I’m happy with that.

 

 

 

 

 

Another Vacation Without Him

Vacation View From the Pool

I just got back from a 2 week trip to Florida. As usual, I drove, but this time, I brought a friend. Normally, when I go on vacation, I drive down by myself and if friends are coming down, I pick them up at the airport and they stay for a long weekend. I stopped asking others to travel with me because the two times I drove with someone else, my car broke down. When I went with my son and his girlfriend, a tire blew out. The next year, I had a friend from MA meet me in NJ and we drove down together. With 20 miles to go, at 2 AM, in the rain, my engine blew! After that, I realized that my car just didn’t like the extra humans, so from then on, I drove it alone.

About 2 weeks before this last trip, I got a new car! I didn’t want him (yeah….my car is a boy) to be antisocial like my old car, so I decided to start him off with “company”. He did very well!

Whenever I go away like this, my guy likes to keep in touch, so he calls me whenever he has a break at work. He likes to know where I am and to make sure I’m safe. It’s nice to have him to talk to, especially when I’m driving 18 hours alone. This time, the new car has Bluetooth, so the conversations were pretty much between the 3 of us. It takes some getting used to, but we dealt.

So….vacation. Always nice to get away! My son has lived in Florida for a little over 5 years and he has never been to Key West, so my friend and I took him there. We had a blast! We did the sunset celebration in Mallory Square (clouds on the horizon, so I have to go back to see an actual sunset), then we walked down Duval Street. We were given a whole bunch of 2 for 1 margarita vouchers, so we parked ourselves in that bar. It was all open, we had a table right in front so we people-watched and drank margaritas all night. There was a singer in the bar who would walk around while she sang. Every time she left the stage, my friend and I had her hanging on my son. After the 4th time, he was starting to enjoy the attention.

The next day, we hung out at the beach, had some dinner, then headed back to Fort Lauderdale since my son had to be at work the next day. It would have been nice to have another day or two, but, next time.

When we got back to the condo, my friend and I just relaxed by the pool, hung out on the balcony and talked. This was the first time I went away and really didn’t talk to my guy that much. He called every morning when he was on his way to work, but most of the time, I told him I was too tired to talk and hung up. What can I say? We stayed up late every night.

One night, my friend asked if my man ever gave me a hard time about going away. Hmmmm….considering HIS situation, he better not give me a hard time! I know when I go away, he misses me like crazy! He calls a few times every day. He goes to my house every day to take care of my pets (he takes the dogs home with him for the time I’m away, but the bunnies, snake and hermit crabs stay home) and calls to let me know how they’re all doing. The first weekend I was gone, he had to work early, so he stayed at my place and went to the diner we usually go to for breakfast. He said that everyone there asked where I was (I went there with my son’s girlfriend the other day and they all told me he looked lost without me). It’s sometimes strange to realize how many people think of us as a “real” couple. I think most people who don’t really know us would be shocked to find out what the story really is.

Every time I go to Florida, I think he worries that one of these days, I’ll tell him I’m staying because he keeps mentioning that my condo doesn’t allow “four-legged pets”. I just tell him that I’ll have to go to the condo association to try to change that by-law. I have to admit that I have thought of staying there, and even if I don’t live there year round, being able to bring my dogs with me when I do go would be great. I’m not very comfortable knowing that my dogs are in his house, with his wife, when I’m away. She must know they belong to the person her husband is seeing since when they’re there, he’s home….when they’re not there, he’s NOT home. I just worry that she may go psychotic and do something to them one of these days. However, I’m told that she has nothing to do with my “babies” and that his daughter is the one who takes care of them when he’s at work.

All in all, this trip was a good one. I had good company, we did things I wouldn’t normally do when I’m alone and I really didn’t have much time to think about or miss my guy. Don’t get me wrong…it was nice to see him when I got back, but it wasn’t so hard being away.

How Do You Keep the Magic Alive?

When two people get married, I would hope that it’s because they love and respect each other. But what happens when things change? After all…life happens.

Let’s face it…nothing ever stays the same. If it does, life is boring. Relationships become stagnant. People change. Change is inevitable as they grow. When two people meet and fall in love, it helps if they have some of the same interests, but this doesn’t mean that they need to enjoy doing everything their partner enjoys. A husband may have a passion for fishing, but the wife may hate it. The wife may love going to yoga classes, but the husband doesn’t feel the need to do it himself. Does this mean that the poor guy can never fish again? Does it mean she can never execute another warrior pose? Of course not! Fishing could be done alone, or with the guys. Yoga could be done at home, or with friends at the gym. There’s nothing wrong with a little me time.

Sometimes, it’s hard to make a marriage work with the pressures of careers, unemployment, children, bills, etc. We all need our little outlets. Problems arise when each partner doesn’t respect the other’s need to just have a “me day”. I’ve known people who have stopped doing what they love because their spouse doesn’t enjoy it. I’ve known women who have told their husbands that they couldn’t have a night out with the boys and I’ve known men who will not even consider that their wives would want to go out with the girls. Why should they NOT have this time with friends just because they’re married?

I believe that you are just setting the stage for lies by not “allowing” your spouse to pursue his or her interests. If you won’t allow your husband to have a boys’ night, don’t expect him to NOT lie when he wants to meet some friends at the sports bar. In a marriage, love and respect are important, but isn’t trust also important? If you can’t trust your spouse, what kind of relationship do you really have?

Also, what’s wrong with giving something new a try? How can a woman say she hates something if she’s never tried it? If your husband is asking you to go fishing, or play golf, or hike, why not give it a go? It’s one day out of your life. As for the husbands…go to a flower show or to a day spa if your wife asks. Don’t say “no” all the time. Make an effort.

With all the pressures of day to day life, we all need a place to go that relaxes us. Why not try to make that place your home? If you know your husband is having a rough day at work, why not arrange for someone to watch the kids for an hour or two when he comes home so you could give him a massage, or so he could enjoy his favorite meal in peace. Don’t meet him at the door with MORE problems. Let him relax.

If your wife has had a rough day with the kids, when you get home from work, tell her that you’ll take over childcare for an hour or so, then set up a nice, hot bubble bath for her (complete with scented candles). If you’re extra-tired, ask her for a little time so you could unwind, but let her know that you realize her day was rough, too and that you’re planning something to make her feel better.

Marriage isn’t all roses and kittens, but when each partner makes the effort to please the other, things will work out. Remember to talk to each other (not just about the kids). Remember to show affection. Remember to say “I love you”. This will help keep the magic alive. If a husband or wife feels neglected, unappreciated, unloved or unwanted, it could lead to him or her looking elsewhere for what’s missing.

Does His Wife Even Care That He’s Gone?

With all the crazy weather and flooding happening around here, I have had a roomie for the past 4 days: my man! He spent the day with me last Saturday, went in for an emergency 24 hour shift at 6:00 that night, came here after his shift, but when he tried to get home, all routes were flooded, so he came back to my place. I was on the phone with him as he was on his way home and at some point, he said he would call me back, so I know that he called home. I thought he was calling to see if his daughter wanted him to pick up some take out for her. He was off the phone with me for about 5 minutes, then called me back. A half hour later, he was coming up my stairs and this is where he’s been staying until about an hour ago.

It’s been nice having him here, but it’s also nice knowing that I have my house to myself again. I’ve lived alone for a lot of years and have gotten used to doing what I want, when I want to do it. If I wake up at 3 AM and can’t sleep, I’ll grab my remote and watch TV for a while, or I’ll read for a bit. When I’m ready to fall back asleep, I turn off the TV (or just fall asleep with it on), or put down my Nook. With my man here, if I can’t sleep and want to watch TV or read, I have to actually get out of bed and go to the livingroom. The guy needs to wake up early every morning, so I don’t want to keep him awake too. I’m glad to be back to my own crazy schedule.

Last night was my volleyball night. I left my guy here at 6:00 PM and he met up with me and my friends for the ritual post-volleyball feeding at 8:30. My friends accept that I’m seeing a married man. When they heard that he’s been staying with me this week, they all had the same question: Where does his wife think he is? My answer: I have no clue. What he tells his wife is his business, but I really don’t think she cares where he is. In 4 days, she hasn’t called him at all. He’s called his daughter and his daughter has texted him, but not a word from his wife. Obviously, she doesn’t care that he’s not home and doesn’t care where he is.

True…there are times when she wants him home. She calls to find out when he’ll be home if she has plans to go out and needs him there to watch their daughter or if there’s a bug in the house that needs to be executed. She’s also been known to call to tell him that he needs to take out the garbage. Other than these few little “reminders”, she couldn’t give a rat’s butt where he is or what he’s doing. I don’t understand it, but, that’s the way it is. I’m torn on how I feel about her lack of concern. On one hand, I feel that it’s a good thing because if she did care about him, I wouldn’t have this great guy. On the other hand, I feel bad that this great guy has to live with someone who doesn’t care about him and only wants him for household chores. (Before there’s even more controversy to this whole situation, let me make something clear….neither one of us considers his watching his daughter as a “chore”. We both feel that his time alone with this daughter is important and he looks forward to those times.)

Now that he’s home, he’ll have a chance to clean up after the storms and spend time with his daughter before school starts up again. I’ll use the time alone to do girlie things with my friends, read, walk, and watch cheesy movies (I think tonight’s feature will be “Killer Klowns from Outer Space”). This may sound boring to most people, but sometimes, boring is good.

Am I Really a “Temptress”?????

I was reading a website the other day and saw a post about “the other woman”. One of the comments was about how mistresses are able to “trap” married men in their webs. Did you know that women like me will use expensive French perfume, wear sexy, silk lingerie, have their nails and hair done every week, go to the spa and have cosmetic surgery just so they can lure married men away from their wives? You didn’t? Neither did I.

I was the other woman 9 years ago. I still am the other woman 9 years later. Let me paint a picture of THIS other woman.

Right now, I’m sitting at my computer wearing a ratty pair of boxers (with Marvin the Martian appliqued on one leg) and a t-shirt that I bought at an Army/Navy store about 35 years ago. My hair is pulled back in a high ponytail. It’s a bit humid, so the actual tail is a curly, frizzy mass trailing halfway down my back. My guy called me at 5:30 this morning and by 6:30, I was out taking my daily power walk. I have not had a chance to shower yet. Pretty, right? No….I don’t think so either.

I haven’t been inside a hair salon in about 5 years. My hair care routine is: shampoo, condition, comb, air dry. I’m getting more and more grey by the minute, but I refuse to dye my hair. Every now and then, however, I need a change, so I’ll find an obnoxious color (right now, I have fuchsia in the front and underneath in the back) that washes out eventually.

As for my nails….I’ve had one manicure in my life and hated it! I’ll never go back. I play volleyball, so my nails break. If they do, no biggie….they’ll grow again. If I have unbroken nails for longer than a week, I may put polish on them, but within a day or two, it’s starting to chip. Again….no biggie. Pedicure?!?!?! Forget it! No way!

I don’t think I’ve ever owned expensive perfume, French or otherwise and as for silk lingerie….if it can’t be washed in my washer, I’m not buying it. I do have some lingerie, but not silk and I don’t lounge around in it just waiting for a married man to happen by so I could trap him.

Cosmetic surgery? Ummm…..I rarely wear makeup, so why would I alter anything surgically?

In other words, my web-weaving skills aren’t up to par, so how did I “trap” my married lover? I have no clue! Oh, wait….could it have been that I took the time to get to know him as a friend before any other kind of relationship started? Maybe he likes the idea of a low maintenance woman. Maybe he likes having someone to talk to. He certainly doesn’t want a “temptress” if he’s with me!

My man knows that he can call me, tell me he’ll be here in 1/2 an hour to take me out and I’ll be ready. Don’t get me wrong…I DO dress up every now and then. I may even put on a bit of makeup once a year or so. But for the most part, I’m wash and wear. Some would say that how I’m sitting here now isn’t how I greet my man when he comes by. Well, they would be wrong. The ratty boxers and old t-shirts are my staples. This is how I dress when we’re just hanging out doing things around the house or watching movies. This is how he met me and in 9 years, he hasn’t tried to change me. I have never heard him ask “Are you really going to wear that?” when we go out. He trusts that when we do go out, I will know what I should wear.

I understand the reasoning behind the comments of the woman on that other site. Maybe she found out that her husband was cheating and she needed a reason that didn’t involve putting the blame on herself. Who knows? Maybe her husband did fall for someone who used “tricks” to get him. I know there are women who claim to only date married men, but unless these men are super-rich, and are financing the expensive “props” and cosmetic surgery, I can’t imagine anyone going through all that trouble on their own to trap an average Joe. Instead of that woman looking for traps and webs of the other woman, she should look within. She needs to talk to her husband. For a lot of men, it’s not all about sex and looks. Does she have a guy who just can’t be monogamous, or is she not giving her husband what he needs? The sooner she finds out what’s wrong in her marriage, the sooner she can either fix it, or move on.

Why Would Anyone Want a Married Man?

I don’t think any woman wakes up one morning and says to herself, “Gee…I think I’m going to go out and find a married man to have an affair with today.” Think about it…who would want a man who cheats?

I realize that my situation is probably different than a lot of other affair situations. I was friends with my man before taking the leap into having an affair. I had known him for about 20 years. True, I had lost track of him for a while and didn’t realize that he was married at the time we got reacquainted, but when we did see each other again, we started a friendship. For about a year, he was very careful not to mention the fact that he had gotten married during the time I hadn’t seen him. If I had known from the beginning, I have no idea what would have happened. I know we would have had a great friendship, since we have a great friendship now. As for becoming romantically involved with him, I honestly don’t know. During the friendship, if he had told me about what was happening in his marriage, the relationship may have progressed to what it is now, or maybe not. All I know is that it happened. Do I regret that he wasn’t honest in the beginning? Of course. I would have liked to have been able to make an informed decision as to where our relationship was going.

In the beginning, I ignored all the signs. I never even thought that he could be married. He worked 3 jobs and I was always doing things with other friends and such. We were both busy people and it just made sense that most of our contact was at my house where he rented a garage. Besides, he spent so much time by my house that I wouldn’t have thought a wife would put up with it. He was here all day on Saturdays and a lot of nights after working one job and before he went to his other job.

During the years, I’ve gone through being so mad at him for lying that I never wanted to see him again, to realizing that I wanted to be with him, to giving him ultimatums, to finally being at peace with the situation. The ups and downs were insane, but I got through them. That poor man has been yelled at by me so much, sometimes it surprises me that he’s still around!

My situation is also different in the amount of the time we spend together. There aren’t that many “other women” who have this much time. I have Saturdays and most weeknights. We don’t hide. We go out all the time, we work together, we go visit friends and family together. I haven’t heard of many men who are having affairs that will bring their mistresses to visit their relatives.

My advice to anyone thinking of dating a married man (or woman) would be: DON’T DO IT! Well, at least not right away. Take the time to know the situation. Does his wife love him? Does she believe he’s happy in the marriage? Does she make time for him? I would also try to find out if he’s ever had another affair. There are some serial cheaters out there. I know for a fact that my man has never before cheated on someone he was with. I know that his wife doesn’t care what he does or where he goes as long as he pays the bills. I also know that he hasn’t cheated on ME. He wouldn’t have the time. We spend so much time together and even when he leaves, he’s on the phone with me. I’m his “commute entertainment”. He calls every morning as he’s driving to work, then texts me during the day on his breaks, calls again when he’s on his way here after work, and calls the minute he leaves me so we can talk until he gets home. Not all affairs are like this. Some women are lucky to get one night a month with their married men.

So, if you’re thinking it would be great to be with a married man, think again. There’s a lot of craziness to go through before you come to the “happy place” I’m at right now. I know we sometimes can’t help who we love, but if the one you love is married, it’s so much harder. If you do decide that the one you love is worth it, then just keep your eyes open. Also, don’t sit around waiting for him. Keep busy. Go out and have fun. His life doesn’t stop when he’s not with you, so why should yours?

Things I Don’t Get……#3

Here it is, Wednesday night and my guy just left. We were having a great night, just hanging out, and around 9:00 he went to call his daughter (as he does every night when he’s not with her). When he came back to me, I could tell that he was upset about something, so, I asked what was wrong. He told me that his daughter asked him if he could take her to a church fair the next night and before he could answer, his wife grabbed the phone from his daughter, said, “Your father doesn’t have time for you.” and hung up on him. This really upset him and it also upset me.

That was just so wrong on so many levels. First of all, I don’t care what the circumstances are, you NEVER talk bad about the other parent! This only makes you look like a fool. This is a woman who had a good man and basically threw him away. He’s doing what he needs to do for his daughter. He’s never denied his daughter anything. If she asks him to take her somewhere, he takes her. He’s never said “no” to spending time with her, so mommy’s comment was totally uncalled for. I suggested that from now on, he should tell his daughter to go to her room and turn on her cellphone at 8:30 whenever he’s not home so he can call her without being interrupted.

I never understood trashing the other parent. What’s the point? Does it make the trasher look good? Nope. I know the situation is far from ideal, but this is what happens when you decide to ignore your husband. How long do you think he’s going to be happy without affection? How long will he be happy without someone to talk to? How long will he stick around without someone to have fun with? So now, why are you bashing a man who is trying to balance his life between making himself happy and making his daughter happy?

My guy goes to every school function, takes his daughter fishing, takes her to county fairs, helps her with homework, goes to her school if there’s a problem that needs to be addressed….he’s there for her when she needs him. She knows that she can call him at any time and no matter where he is, if she needs him, he will go to her. How dare her mother try to tell her that her father doesn’t have time for her?!?!??!

It’s times like this where I wish I could go to her and ask what she’s thinking. I understand that she has a cheating husband and in all probability, she knows this, however, she’s the one who threw him away. What was he supposed to do? Stay faithful to someone who wanted nothing to do with him. After 2 years of being ignored, he turned to a friend (me) and we became lovers. In the beginning, I actually tried to get him to save his marriage. I asked him if he was doing all he could to make things better. I gave him suggestions. It was too late for them. She wanted to be left alone and she got what she wanted. It’s now time to lie in that bed she made for herself.

He’s now happy when he’s with me, and he’s with me a lot. His wife has a house with a REAL yard, she has her bills paid, she gets to go on vacation with him, she has him to do all the yard work, she has him to take out the garbage, she has his health insurance and she will get his pension and SSI if something happens to him. I have none of these things. I have him for a few hours a night, 3 or 4 nights a week, and all day Saturday.

My guy’s wife has the freedom to do whatever she wants. If she wants to go out with friends, he’s there to watch his daughter. If she wants to go shopping, he’ll stay home with his daughter and pay the bill for the shopping when it comes in. What she does with her time is up to her.

Yeah….not an ideal situation. Not ideal for anyone involved. But, as I’ve said, he really does try. He’s a good father and he’s always thinking of his daughter even if he’s working and can’t be with her. I’ve also trained him pretty well in the not speaking bad about his wife when his daughter is around thing. He knows my feelings about that. Right now, I don’t get why she can’t give him the same consideration.

So, all you wives out there (and husbands, too)…..no matter what, never, never, NEVER talk trash about the other to your children. Why would you want to try to make your child feel that one of his or her parents is a deadbeat, especially if that parent’s actions say otherwise? Why do you want to confuse your kids like that? Your kids aren’t stupid. If your spouse (or ex-spouse) is as bad as you think, the kids will see it for themselves.

I know it’s hard, but sometimes, as parents, we need to put our feelings aside and do what’s best for our kids.