Tag Archive | relationship

Things I Don’t Get….#1

There are many things I don’t get when it comes to my situation. One thing I don’t get is: If you love your husband and want to keep him, why did you alienate him?

My man is a good man. He does his best to support his family. All he asked for in return was some attention and affection. He got neither. As soon as his daughter was born, things changed. His wife no longer wanted him to touch her. Not just in a sexual way, either. She stopped wanting him to kiss her or even hug her. She told him that her doctor told her that the birth turned off a “switch” in her, which triggered an early menopause, that made her lose all interest in any form of affection.

I’m not buying it. True, I’m not a doctor, but I’ve never heard of such a “switch”. I know that some women DO lose an interest in sex during menopause, but I’ve never heard of any doctor telling a woman to just accept it because nothing can be done to help. This is a woman who is older than her husband by a few years. How could she expect him, at the age of 35, to accept that not only will he never have sex again, but he also will never get to cuddle or be kissed?

After a few years of being rejected and hearing excuses, he turned to me. I guess we got reacquainted at the right time. Our relationship started out as a friendship. In the beginning, there was no sex. It progressed slowly from talking, to hugging and kissing, then finally to sex. When I found out he was married, before I went any further with the relationship, I told him to try to make things work with his wife. I had been through having kids myself and know how tiring it can be. But I also know that kids sleep, and that leaves mommy and daddy alone time to do whatever: watch a movie while snuggled up on the couch, have a romantic dinner (candles and takeout will do), put on some sexy lingerie and see where it goes….

OK…so I suggested he try to make things work with his wife. When his daughter was born, he bought his wife some lingerie that she never wore. She told him that when they got a house, she would wear it, so he went home one night and laid it out on the bed. She went to the bedroom and he gave her some time before he went upstairs. When he got to the bedroom, the lingerie was no longer on the bed, but it also was not on his wife. She was in flannels, said she was tired and wanted to sleep alone. HELLO!!!! Your man TRIED to do something nice, and you reject him? That was when he started sleeping on the couch. She’s never asked if he was ever coming back to the bedroom. She’s also never tried to be affectionate towards him.

I get that having and caring for a baby is tiring. I did it myself….TWICE….with a man who never helped. He was like my third kid. My ex-husband never came with me to doctor’s appointments (pre-natal or pediatrician). He only agreed to be in the delivery room with me because I wanted to have natural childbirth and told him that if he wouldn’t be there, I would have a gay, male friend with me who was very excited about the birth. My ex-husband never gave either kid a bath, never fed them, never changed a diaper, never came with us to the park. To this day, even as my kids are grown, he does nothing. My older son lives 4 hours away from his father and my ex has never made the effort to see where his son lives. I had to do it all: cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, childcare. My man is not like that. He was there in every way: at doctor’s appointments, helping with feedings, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping. His wife didn’t appreciate any of it. Now, he has me. I appreciate all he does for me (and he does a lot).

He still does all the work around his house and takes care of his daughter when his wife goes out. He cooks for his daughter and brings her special treats. You may ask, “What good is it? He’s never home!” He’s home when he’s needed. He’s home every Sunday to do chores around the house. He’s at his daughter’s school for special events. He participates in every Father/Daughter event. If he’s not home before her bedtime, he calls his daughter to talk about her day and to say good night. His daughter knows he cares about her.

So, I really don’t get how a woman, who has a good man, just throws him away.

How could she NOT know?

Here’s the thing: I don’t understand how his wife doesn’t know he’s seeing someone. Every Saturday, he leaves the house by 10 AM to be with me. We go to breakfast, do housework and repairs, we do yard work and just hang out together until at least midnight. Weekdays, he gets out of work at 3:30, yet doesn’t get home until 10 or 11 PM.

She has a house, she doesn’t have to share a bed with anyone, she doesn’t have to go grocery shopping, she doesn’t have to cook, she doesn’t have to do his laundry, she has him to pay the mortgage and other bills and she gets a vacation once a year. Who would complain? Bottom line is that she just doesn’t want him, yet she doesn’t want to give him up because then she feels her free ride would be over. What she doesn’t realize is that he will continue to pay for the house and the bills because he wants his daughter to grow up in a house with a yard. He’s not a deadbeat and he loves his daughter. He’s not going to leave her out in the cold.

I’m more of a “wife” to him than she is. I listen to him complain. We cook together. We clean together. We visit his relatives. We fight. We make up. He doesn’t have any of these things at home. At home, he has his daughter and he spends as much time with her as he can. He’s there for all of her school functions and for all the “extras”. When he’s with me, he calls his daughter at her bedtime to talk to her about her day and to say good night.

So, again, how can this wife NOT know? The answer is, she DOES know, she just doesn’t care.

Where is he now that I need him?

This is the week from hell. I’ve mentioned that I was just returning to work after a month off. The reason for this is that my boss wants me gone. Long story, not for this blog. Bottom line in this is that my boss wants me gone and she’s made this week the worst week of my working life.

I realize today that this is the end of my job. I need my man to be with me because tomorrow, I have to face this boss from hell knowing that by the end of tomorrow, she will either fire me or make it so impossible for me to be there that I quit. I’m trying not to do that because I really DO need a job, but the woman is seriously insane.

As I’ve said, I need my man here. He was here when I got home and we went out to dinner. We came home and watched Wipeout (best game show EVER!!!), which I needed because it always makes me laugh. When that was over, he took my dogs out for a walk, then it was time for him to leave. This is a night where my life is at a turning point and I need him, but now, I’m here left to deal with all these screwed up feelings alone. I could use a hug, but can’t get one. He’s still sick, I’m sick and both of us need rest so we could go to work tomorrow. That means he goes home and I stay alone. I’m tired of dealing with issues alone. I’m sure this is a problem many women with married lovers face.

Is it worth it? Sometimes, I think it is. Sometimes, I think it’s not. First thing’s first: I need to concentrate on not letting my boss get to me to the point where I walk out. When this issue is done, I’ll think about what to do with the married lover issue.

Do men always want a younger woman?

When men cheat, do they always go younger? Prettier? Thinner? Nope! Take me, for instance. I’m older than my guy by about 11 years. In my opinion, I am the least sexy person know. I never wear makeup, have had one manicure in my life and hated it, I get my hair cut every 5 years or so (right now, it’s stuck somewhere in the 60s) and I’m not one to wear frilly little dresses. In the 8 years I’ve been with my man, I’ve gained weight, lost weight, gained it and lost it again. He’s stuck by me through it all.

Cheating isn’t always about sex It isn’t about finding the trophy babe. In our case, our relationship is based on a mutual respect and trust (yeah, I know….ironic, ain’t it?). I have instituted what I call “Sexless Tuesdays”. Tuesday is usually date night. That’s the one night of the week where we make sure to go out to dinner (yes, in public!!!!). After dinner, we come back to my house and just veg out watching TV or pop in a DVD. Just before he leaves, we walk the dogs. It’s almost normal….except for the fact that he leaves.

Age isn’t an issue. We talk, we laugh, we play. We have a lot in common, but we also have our our own interests. We’re both open to trying new things, which keeps things interesting. We’re not afraid to tell each other if we don’t like something the other is doing. One thing we aren’t, and that’s bored.

I know, some people would say that we would be bored if we lived together. I don’t think so. We have a life together. We do mundane things like laundry, yard work, shopping. The only thing missing is that he goes home at the end of the day.

Some men may go younger. I think that’s an ego thing. Younger isn’t always better.

Cheating Husbands – Is The Other Woman To Blame?

Far too often, the other woman has been the scapegoat when a husband is caught cheating. In truth, this practice is a bit unreasonable. Here are two reasons why: one, not all other women know that the man they have a relationship with is married. Two, it always takes two to tango so even if the other woman knows, the blame can’t always be laid on to her. She’s not the only one dancing obviously.

The other woman is not totally free of any charge, however. If she has an idea that the man she is with is married she shares some of the blame. If she doesn’t know then she’s on your team of women that men cheated on. She doesn’t deserve to damned or cursed to time indefinite.

Who, then, should you blame? The answer is staring you at the face. Blame the one who made this all possible. Your husband is a grown man that makes his own decisions. He knew what he was doing whether or not the other woman does not know about you.

Movies and TV shows might portray the other woman as axe wielding psycho or a sex kitten prowling the streets. The reality is far from that. Oftentimes they are just women that fell for pretty words and a fair amount of wooing. Not before long they find themselves deep in the relationship with no idea what was going on.

To add insult to the injury, these women have given themselves into the relationship hoping that it would last. They spent time and emotions into a venture that will eventually hurt them when the truth comes out. The truth more often than not always comes out.

Try to empathize, in other words put yourself in the other woman’s shoes. There is a huge possibility that she does not even know that you exist as much as you did not know she did. Also she might be relying on things that the cheating husband tells her. Things that you may never know of, whatever lies or truths they were.

When you confront your husband keep this in mind. Of all the players involved, he is the only one who had all the facts. Is it fair to blame the other woman? No, it really isn’t fair at all. On the other hand, as you work to rebuild your marriage or you head to divorce court (as the case may be) the other woman becomes a convenient target for both of you.

There is no reason at all you can’t make that happen. Watch this free video: Magic of Making Up to find out how.