Tag Archive | saving a marriage

Can A Wife Stop Her Husband From Cheating?

If he's not happy, he could stray

I have been “accused” of being a home-wrecker and of using my blog to condone cheating. I was recently asked why I never try to “help” wives keep their husbands from cheating. Well, I believe I have given the wives out there some tips in earlier posts, but, I’m going to do it again.

I will never encourage anyone to go out looking for a married man to “tempt” away from his wife. Other women come in all varieties. Some of us are wives, some are divorced wives of cheating husbands, some are single. We all have one thing in common: we never set out to “seduce” a married man. First of all, I couldn’t seduce anyone if I tried. Sexy is definitely a word I would never use to describe me. So…how did I end up as the other woman? The answer is simple: I made him feel important. My man’s wife left him emotionally. After she had her baby, she no longer wanted him. When he and I first started talking after not seeing each other for years, I didn’t know he was married. An affair was not on his mind and it certainly wasn’t on MY mind.

I’m not making excuses. We spent a lot of time talking and I just assumed that he was single because of some of the things we talked about. He never mentioned a wife, or a child in the beginning. Looking back, I should have asked more questions, but hindsight is 20/20. I had my suspicions, but I didn’t want to believe it. After all, this is a good man who would never hurt anyone who loved him and who was good to him. He always went out of his way to help friends, family and me. By the time I found out for sure that he was actually married, I was hooked.

So…what can a couple do to get out of the rut of marriage and family? I think one of the most important things is to make each other feel special. I realize that sometimes, it’s hard. After all, we’re living in a time where it’s necessary for both partners to work outside of the home. Working, cooking, cleaning, taking care of a child or children all take a toll on a marriage. It’s easy for the couple to forget what drew them to each other in the first place. Before they know it, they have grown apart.

From the beginning of a marriage, the couple needs to stay connected. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean that the romance has to stop. At least once a week, have a date night. If you don’t have the time (or a babysitter) to go out, one of you could grab some take-out. The first one home could stop at the florist or grocery store and pick up some flowers (I’m sure someone gave them a vase as a wedding or shower gift!) and set the table (don’t forget the candles). If you have children, put them to bed early and sit down to a nice dinner. Talk to each other. Don’t talk about the kids for this one night. As a couple only talks about the kids, they find that the kids are all they CAN talk about. Talk about your likes and dislikes, talk about a book you read or a movie you saw (or want to see). Talk about a funny incident that happened at work, or something unusual you saw on your commute or when you went out to lunch. Once you start, I’m sure you could find a lot to talk about.

I know what you’re thinking: put the kids to bed EARLY?!?!?!? Yes. It can be done. Even newborns have a schedule. It may be trickier, but each parent knows their child and when they sleep. If a date night is planned every week from the beginning of a marriage and when a new baby is brought home, children will know to stay in their beds (or at least their rooms) when the parents say it’s bedtime. Trust me; I was a divorced mother of 2 boys under the age of 6. When I got home from work, I spent time with my kids, but I was tired!!!! They knew that bedtime was “stay in your room and be quiet so mommy can rest” time!

Every now and then, try something new. Get a sitter for a day and do something the wife wants to do. I’m not saying to torture your poor husband by a day of shopping in a mall, but I’m pretty sure he can live through a chick-flick. He might even enjoy going to a museum or a flea market. Be creative. When it’s the husband’s turn, maybe find a classic car show or a ball game (even I can stand to go to a ball game. It’s more fun at the stadium than watching it on TV). If you can’t get a sitter, take the kids. By going out to new places together, it will give you something to talk about on date night!

Now…for new parents. I know you’re exhausted! My first son was 22 months old when my second one was born. My husband did zero, zip, zilch, NOTHING to help out. Never changed a diaper or gave them a bath or fed them (OK…I breast-fed for the first year, but I always had a supply in the fridge he could have given them). I was a stay at home mom until my divorce when the boys were 2 and 4. Before that, I knew when the kids napped, so I napped. This way, I was “human” enough to cook dinner and spend some time with my husband. Bottom line: babies sleep! Take advantage of it. If both parents work, then maybe the husband could give his wife a couple of hours to herself a day or two a week. Give her time to go out with friends or just take a nap. She’ll be forever grateful! In the same respect, the wife needs to let her husband have a night out with the boys if he wants. Just remember…BOTH OF YOU…that a night out doesn’t mean getting stupid-drunk and flirting with anything that moves. It means going out, have a drink or two and connect with friends.

No matter how tired you are, always take the time to hug. Sometimes, it’s too tiring to even think of sex, but how much effort does  cuddling take?  Sit next to each other on the couch while watching TV. Put your head on your husband’s (or wife’s) lap. Don’t worry about what the kids will think. They’ll grow up knowing what a loving couple should be like. When leaving the house for work, always remember to kiss each other good-bye and when you get home, kiss each other hello.

I know it’s cliche, but don’t go to bed angry. If you’re annoyed with each other, talk it out. We can’t agree with each other all the time, but we can agree to disagree. We are only human and as such, we’re imperfect creatures. When two people live together, they’re bound to piss each other off every now and then!

Surprise each other with little love notes or cards or small, inexpensive gifts. Treat your spouse to a bubble bath and put on something sexy. Above all, always remember to say “I love you” to each other at least once a day. Use your imagination! If you keep your spouse happy at home he (or she because we all know that wives cheat too) will not want to look elsewhere for affection.

Remember why you fell in love to begin with

Is the Other Woman the “Bad Guy”?

I hear from a lot of OW.  The stories are all different, but the essentially the same; we fell in love with married men.

One of the things that most of us has done is to try to get our married lovers to look at their marriages and see if they can make them work again.  Obviously, I can only relay my experience with this, but I know I’m not the only one.  If you’re with a married man, before you’re too involved, it helps to have him try anything he needs to in order to work on his marriage.  If it’s done in the early stages of your affair, you’ll hurt, but it won’t be as bad as if it were to happen after years into it.

When I first found out that my guy was married, we had a long discussion about his marriage and what went wrong.  He was very uncomfortable talking to me about it at first, I think because he felt that I would be overly upset, but we did talk it out.

He met his wife when he was at his night job as a bartender at a local rock bar.   He was working one Friday night and she walked in with a couple of friends.  She stayed until closing and waited for him to finish his clean up, then invited him out to breakfast.  He didn’t go because he worked all day, then was at the bar all night, so he just wanted to get home.  She showed up the next weekend, but on a Saturday night.  After a few m0nths of this, she went home with him and never left.  They lived together for a year, got married and a year after that had a baby.  Once their daughter was born, he said it all changed.

He worked long hours during the week, then at the bar every Wednesday and all weekend, so they never really “dated”.  Their dating consisted of her sitting at the bar while he served beer and shots.   They really had nothing in common except partying.  Not a very substantial basis for a relationship, but, I guess they didn’t realize it at the time.  As for sex, he said it was never a huge priority for either of them.  He was exhausted from work and she accepted that because, I guess everyone has that assumption that if you’re living together, if you don’t have sex one night, you could make up for it the next.

Another thing that should have been a red flag was that his family couldn’t stand her.  His parents, though divorced for years, got together with him one night and tried to talk him out of marrying her.  He didn’t listen.  Shortly after their daughter was born, his mom got very ill and had to be put into a nursing home.  My guy would go see her every day right after work.  His wife refused to go and refused to allow him to bring their daughter.  She agreed to bring the child to the nursing home when it was clear that grandma didn’t have long to live, however, she wouldn’t to to her room and she wouldn’t let him bring the daughter to grandma’s room.  Grandma had to be put in a wheelchair and brought down to the lobby, where she was allowed 5 minutes to see a granddaughter that she had only seen a few times previously.

As for sex…that stopped once the baby was born.  My man’s wife told him that she no longer had any sexual urge, yet she wouldn’t do anything to “fix” it.  Not only did she not want sex, she stopped wanting any physical contact, including hugs and kisses.  If he came up behind her and kissed her neck, she would push him away and tell him not to do that in front of the baby.  He got tired of being shot down, so he eventually stopped touching her.

As his daughter got to be around school age, he realized that the school system in the town they were in wasn’t very good, so he bought a house about an hour away.  He wanted his daughter to have a yard to play in and a school where she could actually learn without worrying about all the fights that were going on in his old school district.  By this time, he and I were already a couple.  Did it upset me that he was buying a house for his wife?  Absolutely!!!!   In fact, I almost ended it when he told me they were moving.

Almost ended it.  What I did instead was ask him if there was any chance that he and his wife could work things out.  He told me that a few years earlier, before me, he tried to spice things up by buying his wife some lingerie.  She wouldn’t wear it, but she told him that if he ever got her a house, she would wear it and give him a night to remember.  I suggested that he go home and take out that lingerie.  I told him that if he didn’t see me the next day, I would know that it worked and things were going to be all right in the marriage.

The next day, he came to me.  He went home the night before, and laid out the lingerie on the bed while his wife was in the shower.  He then went downstairs to give her time to dry off and get all dolled up.  A half hour later, he went to the bedroom.  She had thrown the lingerie in the trash and put on an old ratty t-shirt.  When he asked why she threw the lingerie away, she told him that she never wanted to see it again and that he should find another room to sleep in because she didn’t want him near her.

I was prepared for the worst.  I never expected him to come to me that next day.  I thought that after a few years of living in a sexless marriage, that part of it would take time, but  I know how loving he is and couldn’t imagine his wife not wanting him to at least hold her.  When he saw me, he just held me for a while and thanked me for trying, but he was never going to have a real marriage again.  In fact, he didn’t think he ever had a real marriage.  Like me, they married for all the wrong reasons.  It  happens.

After that, I stopped feeling those little pangs of guilt about being with a married man.  She threw him away, so he was fair game.

 

Sugar or Equal to Help With That Bitterness?

I have received my first negative comment on this blog! Unfortunately, it was from someone who really never read through my posts. Rather than just send a reply, I thought I’d share. Here is the comment:

Right now, I’m raising my arms above my head, trying to pull my brain back into my body. Are you fucking serious? You wasted 9 years as the OW? Just mind blowing.

I’m not the OW (just take a guess at my role), though I do know her. She’s an imbecile. If that’s what men really want, go at it. Us smarter, more evolved women will be standing here on the hill laughing our asses off on the way to divorce court. And also laughing our asses off knowing that you’re only a piece of ass not even worthy of public recognition.

Let’s pick this apart, shall we? First of all, I do believe I have a post up that’s titled “Wasting Time?”. I’ll go over this again. How can it be considered wasting time when I’m living my life? I’m not sitting around just waiting for my man to come here, and when he IS here, we certainly aren’t hiding. We go out at least twice a week, but usually more. We go out with friends, we visit family (both his and mine), he helps me with the yard work, he’s currently helping me with some home renovations, we go shopping, we cook together, we watch movies, we laugh and we fight.   In other words, we have a REAL relationship.

Going by the second paragraph, I’m guessing that this comment is from a woman who has a cheating husband.  Well, I’m sorry about that.  Maybe she could benefit from my posts about how a wife could save her marriage by paying some attention to her husband.   My relationship started off as a friendship.  We spent hours talking.  We still spend hours talking.  Contrary to your belief, there are men out there who are cheating on their wives not for the sex, but for the emotional connection and the conversation.  The sex is a perk.

I think it’s sad that this person feels that her trip to divorce court is a laughing matter.  Obviously, the marriage wasn’t worth that much to begin with if divorce  was the only option she could think of.   It makes me wonder if she did anything to try to save her marriage.   Honestly, I’ve never been in that situation, but I would think that if the marriage was important, the one being cheated on (whether it’s the man or woman) would talk to their spouse and ask “Why?”.   She calls the other woman an “imbecile” and refers to the wives of cheaters as being more evolved.  I would think that a more evolved woman would  try to understand why her husband found the need to cheat.   Maybe there’s a chance to turn things around.

Don’t waste time on bitterness.   You chose the easy way out (divorce) rather than do the work it would take to save the marriage.  Your loss.  I just hope that if there are children involved, you decide to take the high road and not bad-mouth their father and (if he’s still with his mistress), his new girlfriend.   Don’t transfer your bitterness to your kids.  No matter what happened with you, the kids love their dad.  Let them have a relationship with him.

In closing, I’d like to say one more thing.  It’s now MY turn to laugh my ass off!  I’m nothing but a piece of ass?????  I think I’ve gotten the point across that I’m NOT just a piece of ass, but, at my age, I’m happy that someone would THINK  I’m a piece of ass!!!  So….thank you!

 

How Do You Keep the Magic Alive?

When two people get married, I would hope that it’s because they love and respect each other. But what happens when things change? After all…life happens.

Let’s face it…nothing ever stays the same. If it does, life is boring. Relationships become stagnant. People change. Change is inevitable as they grow. When two people meet and fall in love, it helps if they have some of the same interests, but this doesn’t mean that they need to enjoy doing everything their partner enjoys. A husband may have a passion for fishing, but the wife may hate it. The wife may love going to yoga classes, but the husband doesn’t feel the need to do it himself. Does this mean that the poor guy can never fish again? Does it mean she can never execute another warrior pose? Of course not! Fishing could be done alone, or with the guys. Yoga could be done at home, or with friends at the gym. There’s nothing wrong with a little me time.

Sometimes, it’s hard to make a marriage work with the pressures of careers, unemployment, children, bills, etc. We all need our little outlets. Problems arise when each partner doesn’t respect the other’s need to just have a “me day”. I’ve known people who have stopped doing what they love because their spouse doesn’t enjoy it. I’ve known women who have told their husbands that they couldn’t have a night out with the boys and I’ve known men who will not even consider that their wives would want to go out with the girls. Why should they NOT have this time with friends just because they’re married?

I believe that you are just setting the stage for lies by not “allowing” your spouse to pursue his or her interests. If you won’t allow your husband to have a boys’ night, don’t expect him to NOT lie when he wants to meet some friends at the sports bar. In a marriage, love and respect are important, but isn’t trust also important? If you can’t trust your spouse, what kind of relationship do you really have?

Also, what’s wrong with giving something new a try? How can a woman say she hates something if she’s never tried it? If your husband is asking you to go fishing, or play golf, or hike, why not give it a go? It’s one day out of your life. As for the husbands…go to a flower show or to a day spa if your wife asks. Don’t say “no” all the time. Make an effort.

With all the pressures of day to day life, we all need a place to go that relaxes us. Why not try to make that place your home? If you know your husband is having a rough day at work, why not arrange for someone to watch the kids for an hour or two when he comes home so you could give him a massage, or so he could enjoy his favorite meal in peace. Don’t meet him at the door with MORE problems. Let him relax.

If your wife has had a rough day with the kids, when you get home from work, tell her that you’ll take over childcare for an hour or so, then set up a nice, hot bubble bath for her (complete with scented candles). If you’re extra-tired, ask her for a little time so you could unwind, but let her know that you realize her day was rough, too and that you’re planning something to make her feel better.

Marriage isn’t all roses and kittens, but when each partner makes the effort to please the other, things will work out. Remember to talk to each other (not just about the kids). Remember to show affection. Remember to say “I love you”. This will help keep the magic alive. If a husband or wife feels neglected, unappreciated, unloved or unwanted, it could lead to him or her looking elsewhere for what’s missing.