Why Can’t His Wife Try to be Civil with His Family?

People have asked me in their comments “How do you know his wife doesn’t care?”  Well, the past few weeks have been awful and her lack of caring is perfectly clear.

My MM’s 50 year old cousin was diagnosed with cancer about 5 years ago.  Last week, she lost her battle.  We had spent the last two Saturdays visiting her in the hospital.

Before they were married, my guy and his wife (then girlfriend) lived in the same house as this cousin, so they knew each other well.   I knew this and asked when he and his wife would be going to the viewing so that I would not run into them there.  He told me that I would be going with him to the wake and funeral because his wife would not go to either.  I was pretty much stunned by this.

This was a woman who did nothing but try to be friends with his wife, but his wife wouldn’t give her a chance.  She hates everyone in his family, and they grew to hate her because of it.  The one person who loses in this situation is their daughter, because she has a whole family she doesn’t know.  She doesn’t want to know them because her mother has poisoned her mind when it comes to his family.

So, we were at the viewing as a couple.  I sat with the family and walked his elderly aunts to the ladies room to make sure they didn’t fall.  After the viewing, one of his cousins and his 95 year old Aunt Ruth met us at a diner for a late supper.  My man stayed with me that night because the funeral was going to be early the next day.

No one asked about his wife; it was expected that she wouldn’t be there.  Do I find it odd that his family accepts me like they do?  Of course I do!  They never all his wife if they need help with anything and they never call to invite her over, but they call me at least once a week to come over and play board games.

Yes, my relationship with this MM is so different than any other that I have heard of.  We are always out in the open; never hidden.  It’s not always like this when dating a married man or woman.

I’m glad that I’m accepted and I’m glad I got to say “good-bye” to a wonderful woman.  One thing I feel bad about is that his wife, the one who SHOULD have cared, didn’t.  She should have put her feelings about his family aside for this.  I also believe that his tween daughter should have been there to at least pay her respects and meet her cousins.

RIP, Kathy…you were a wonderful friend and mother.  You will be missed.

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22 thoughts on “Why Can’t His Wife Try to be Civil with His Family?

  1. First of all . If the wife is so bad why don’t they just split ? Maybe you two should just quit being slimy and dishonest (because that’s indeed what you’re doing) and let her know. If she “didn’t care” like you’re repeating over and over, then this leads me to believe she wouldn’t care about you two being open. Sounds to me you got a weird, twisted mind. If not, heart. There’s one thing I can’t stand already about this, it’s your dishonesty and no back bone to be honest.

    • Gee, Emily…

      As I’ve stated over and over, there is a difference between “knowing” and having it “thrown in your face”. As a woman, have you never heard of the “I don’t want him but you can’t have him” mentality? Believe it or not, his wife knows where I live. She has never once tried to contact me (and due to some circumstances, she has to know I am the OW). If she came to me at any point, to tell me that she wants to save her marriage because she loves her husband, I would have gladly stepped aside. I would do that even now.

      I’ve also repeated over and over that it’s not as easy to split as some people seem to think. In order to have a civil divorce, both parties need to be adults and put their differences aside. This doesn’t happen in many cases and the kids are the ones to suffer because they are the ones being kept from a parent that they love.

      I don’t know what your story is…maybe you were a good wife, yet your husband cheated on you. That would explain some of the bitterness that comes through in your comments. Things happen. I have nothing to do with your situation, so there really isn’t any need for you to be so rude in your judgments. I know that being the other woman isn’t something many agree with, but it happens. It happens for many different reasons. Weird twisted mind? Seriously???? Why? Because two people found some happiness in their lives?

      Do I feel bad for his wife? Not anymore. I used to. I’ve ended it with my MM because I thought it would force him to try to make things right in his marriage. She wanted nothing to do with fixing it, so he came back…a few times.

      I truly hope that you never find yourself in a situation that you have previously judged harshly. You can’t know what is going on in other people’s lives. Do any of us OW wish things were different? Of course we do. But, it’s not possible at this time.

  2. I think why the blog gets negative reactions because you are judging the wife and saying what she SHOULD do. You cannot have it both ways. Either accept the judgement from others or stop judging her.

    • Actually, the negative comments come pretty much because of the content of the site.

      As for my judging my MM’s wife…I don’t believe I do that. Are there things I believe she should have done differently? Well, if she wanted to keep her husband, yes, she could have done a lot differently. To say this isn’t judgment; it’s pointing out what could be done to save a relationship, if that’s what you care to do. She didn’t care to change things for the better. That’s not judgment; that’s fact.

      When it comes to my guy’s family, his wife is relentless. If she would have made one small step…to spend even 5 minutes at his cousin’s wake…the family would have changed their opinion of her, even if it was only a little bit. It’s sad that she couldn’t even do that. Oops! Is that a judgment?

    • That’s true…MM will only tell you what you want to hear.You will never know if they are telling the truth or they are just portraying a pity image.I have tried to be the other woman,I did not believe all the things that the MM tells me.

  3. I have a few comments:

    It seems like the riff between his wife and his family has been going on for some time. It sounds like his family knows of your relationship and is accepting of it. If I were the wife, I would not have gone to the wake knowing that my husband’s girlfriend would probably be there. I don’t know that I could be civil to people who basically disrespect me by accepting his behavior and befriending you. While I am sure the wife isn’t a princess, I think we should keep in mind she is the one who has been betrayed.

    If your MM’s wife is so horrible, why doesn’t he leave? I understand he has a teenage daughter. Do you or he think for one minute that she doesn’t know what is going on? Does he think that she will think better of him for staying? I am willing to bet that she doesn’t or that she won’t when she is older. She probably hates living in a home that is riddled with tension and strife. An ugly divorce that lasts a year, will be less traumatic than living with two people who essentially hate each other. I encourage you and him to look into studies on the effects of divorce vs staying. It might surprise you.

    • This is where it gets sticky….

      His wife chose to alienate herself from his family a long time ago…even before they were married. To keep the peace in his home, my man didn’t push the issue of her spending time with his family and because of this, his daughter has a whole load of cousins she will never know. This is not right and I have told him so.

      As for her not going to a wake because she thought I would be there….totally ridiculous. If he were to go with his wife, I would have made arrangements to be there at a different time. Besides, his wife has no idea that I am so close to his family because she never talks to him about them and she never talks to them. She never once asked about his cousin as she was battling cancer.

      For the record, my man’s wife disrespected his family long before I was even in the picture. She fought him when he wanted to visit his dying mother every day after work. She fought him if he mentioned bringing her and his daughter to visit his family. They were willing to embrace her because they love him. She pushed them away very blatantly.

      Do you honestly think my man and I have never discussed how the tension at home affects his daughter? I know how it is…that’s the home I grew up in. I know first-hand how it is. Unfortunately, his wife talks bad about him to his daughter now…tells her he has no time for her even though he never misses a milestone in her life. I would be afraid of what she would tell this child if he wasn’t living in the home. You obviously under-estimate the power of a parent when it comes to brainwashing a child. An ugly divorce doesn’t only last a year…it lasts as long as the custodial parent wants it to last. Visitation is denied….back to court. Visitation denied again…back to court. A judge can only do so much, but let’s face it, he is NOT going to throw a mother in jail because she refused to abide by the visitation order.

      What he does with his marriage is up to him. I will not force him to leave his wife, but I can see that he’s happy when he’s with me. As for his daughter…I hope she will overcome the tension the way I have and is strong enough to stand her ground and to tell her mother to NOT talk bad about her father. I had to do that with my mother when I was 14. She didn’t stop, but I stopped listening.

      Is this the best situation? No. But it’s working for us.

  4. Assuming that what you say if true, I don’t think that you can consider yourself to be the other woman. And here’s why:
    1) His family not only knows about you, but loves you and accepts you.
    2) You spend A LOT of time with him, to the point where you’ve stated that you’re certain that he does not have another affair because there couldn’t be enough hours in the day.
    3) His wife knows about you (maybe not specifically about YOU, but knows that her husband has a relationship) and doesn’t care.
    4) The only reason you are not officially together is because of his daughter (which means that eventually you will be, since she will leave the house soon and the brainwash factor will be gone).
    5) You are monogamous and you are certain that he is monogamous.
    It sounds to me like you’re married to him. Not the mistress at all.

    • Hi, Gio.

      Yeah…it’s very strange but sometimes, I do feel like his wife is the OW because my MM and I spend so much time together. If I find it weird, I’m sure it’s downright unbelievable to anyone else!! LOL!

  5. You do realize that MM lies to you, too? So, more than likely, MM tells you what ever it is that you need to hear about his W?

    I find it hilarious the way you speak of his W/their M as if you know her/it.

    FYI, your MM doesn’t D his W b/c … he doesn’t WANT to. She is foolish to stay w/him if she does, in fact, know about you. You are clearly ok with settling for W’s left overs. Your MM gets cake, cake, & even more cake.

    You are right about this, tho. It is hard to have a civil D when the D is caused by your H’s A.

    As for you, you have over come your own dysfunctional upbringing by destroying some one else’s M, and their child’s life. I pity you. You are a very delusional person.

    • It took me a while to get all the “Ms”, “As”, “Ws” and “Hs” straight, but, being the smart girl that I am, I figured it all out.

      What you don’t seem to take into consideration is that my guy doesn’t talk much about his “W” (wife), so he isn’t telling me something that I need to hear. Her name comes up rarely in our conversations. In fact, it hardly comes up at all. It doesn’t take a genius to know that she is not accepted by his family (even though they tried to bond with her), nor do they want her around. What I know of his “M” (marriage) I hear from his family. I don’t ask for information about that, but sometimes, they feel the need to vent.

      You’re right when you say he doesn’t get a “D” (divorce) because he doesn’t want one.​ Well, you’re half right…he wants one, but he’s afraid that if he’s out of the house, his wife will take that opportunity to brain-wash the child against him. She already has the poor girl hating his family, which started before he and I started visiting them. He is entitled to feel as he does and I’m not going to force the issue. It’s his life and his marriage. He saw his parents’ inability to reach agreements with him and he doesn’t want the same to happen with him and his daughter.

      As for how it’s hard to have a civil divorce because of the H’s (husband’s) A (adultery), the marriage collapsed before I was brought into this. My “dysfunctional upbringing” has nothing to do with the fact that I happened to fall in love with a married man. It’s not something I looked for, but it’s what life threw at me (us). In fact, I learned from my parents’ mistakes. I didn’t stay with my husband when I knew my marriage was a lost cause…I knew I could make a better life for me and my kids without him. But, I was in control of all visitation and I knew that I would never deny my ex visitation for any reason. Not all women will do that.

      No matter what the circumstances for a divorce, your feelings need to be put aside if there are children involved. No matter what a spouse does to you, he or she is still the other parent of your children and you can’t talk bad about that person. ( Of course, there are exceptions to that, like in cases of domestic violence and raging alcoholism where any child could be put in danger.​) In my guy’s case, HE would not be the one holding the cards in the visitation hand of any divorce. I would hate to see him and his daughter lose years of knowing each other because of bitterness. The bitterness was not my fault, either. If his wife didn’t emotionally abandon him, I would not be in the picture.

      ​Delusional? No…I’m not delusional. My MM and I have discussed how by faking a marriage, his daughter will be harmed, but he feels she’ll be fine. Personally, I think she’s going to need some therapy, but, again, not my place. He needs to do what he feels is right by her. If that’s the wrong decision, well…I told him so.

  6. This is the first time reading your blog. I realize this must be a stressful time for you, but this was really difficult to follow. I read it several times and still don’t know it I make sense of it.

  7. Hello,

    First of all I can’t express in words how much relief I’ve felt to find your blog and read your story. I have been in a relationship with a married man for almost 3 years now and whenever I feel confused, lost and in need of advice regarding the relationship, all I find everywhere around me, be it friends, family or the internet, it’s either pity or shaming. I am either a naive imbecile for letting myself be “played” by this man or a home-wrecking, no-morals, whore. And somehow I know that neither is true, but there is no way of explaining this to people, so in time I just gave up. Finding your blog was absolutely amazing because you … understand! Sorry, can’t really put it in any other words than this: you GET it! So after reading all of your posts in one afternoon, I feel so much appreciation for what you are doing that I just want to congratulate you for the courage of telling your story! Also, I would love to have some advice from you on my situation because I think your input would be so valuable and I’ve been struggling with some dilemmas that I can’t really settle and have no idea who to turn to… You probably get this very often, but would you mind if we would have an online chat? Somehow… (I don’t know, comments, no idea, first time EVER i comment on a blog post, so… :@) Anyway, thank you again for sharing, it’s so helpful!

    A.

    • Angie…

      Unless someone is in our situation, they can’t understand. They can’t get past the “he’s a lying, cheating, scumbag and you’re a home-wrecking whore” mentality.

      Over the years, I have lost friends because of my relationship with my MM, but, thankfully those who really, really know me know that I would never purposely go out to hurt someone and they either accept my position or agree to disagree. For those who will agree to disagree, I will see them, but always on girls’ nights so they don’t have to feel they are being put in the middle of my relationship.

      If there is something you want to discuss, you can send your thoughts to my comments section. If you want it to remain private, just tell me and I will not approve it so only I will see it.

      I know it helps to be able to talk things out. I’ll be glad to “listen”.

    • Angie, please look elsewhere for advice. Don’t waste your life as a side piece. It will hurt to give up after three years, but you’re not going to find happiness with a liar and a cheat.

  8. OW, you need to stop judging his wife. You have never talked to her and do not know her side of the story. There may be a very good reason she does not get along with the in laws. They certainly are treating her very badly by welcoming you and telling you bad things about her.

    You really don’t know why she didn’t come unless you ask her. Perhaps her husband convinced her not to go because he doesn’t want her to meet you. Perhaps the family did not want her there.

    The one thing you should think about though is that you are probably the reason the poor kid did not get to go to her grandmother’s funeral. Her father probably does not want her to know that he is betraying his family with you. She would probably be angry at him.

    • Black Iris…

      I know the story behind the rift in the family when it comes to my guy’s wife. This happened long before me, so I had nothing to do with this. While I can see her point of view on what happened in the family, I don’t feel that it was so terrible that she could not put HER feelings aside once she had a child. A child should know ALL sides of the family and be allowed to make his or her own decisions on if they are good or bad people.

      I also don’t understand how you can say that “the poor kid did not get to go to her grandmother’s funeral” because of me. First of all, when her grandmother passed away, she was 3 years old. I can understand why she didn’t go to this funeral at that age. The recent funeral I was writing about was for his cousin. His wife didn’t go because of the bitterness she has towards his family. Again, I had nothing to do with this because I told my guy that all he needed to do was tell me when he and his wife would be going and I would go at another time. His daughter, unfortunately, never knew this cousin.

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