Open Letter to All Readers

To all….

I have a personal policy of never deleting comments and so far, I have stuck with that.  This is why I also have the negative comments posted.  I feel that I may have to change that policy because of one person, going by “J”.

It’s one thing to not agree with a lifestyle, but we are all adults here.  It’s not up to anyone to judge (yes, she is judging) or to tell someone that they are “wrong” in who they love.   Because we are all adults, we know what is right and what is wrong.  Those of us who are in love with married men know right from wrong.   We also know what we need to do in our lives and the lives of those we love.  We don’t need someone who has no clue about this to tell us that we need to “heal” or to give our men up so THEY can “heal” their families.    I have never encouraged anyone, either here or in my real life, to go find a married man to lure away from home.  In fact, there have been times when, in my replies, I have encouraged the OW to fully think of the consequences of their actions, especially in cases where they work together.

Unfortunately, “J” seems to have appointed herself judge and jury over all OW and has made it her mission to try to “cure” us of our “selfish ways”.    Each time she comments on a post, it’s not once, but several times, and it’s getting tedious.   I’m tired of responding to her because she will never get it.   She spews “statistics” and psycho-babble and personally, I have had enough.   It’s not fair to any of us to have to read her constant harassment.  We are not naughty children who need to be punished.

Now, I am not going to stop posting her nonsense at this time.  What I will do, however, is ask anyone reading if you are as tired of this as I am.  If I get replies that say to stop her comments, then I will.  But, as I said, I’m tired of this little game and am trying hard not to respond to her.  If anyone else would like to respond to “J”, feel free.

I’m sure she will feel superior and think that she “hit a nerve”, but as I said in a reply to her….I’m tired of beating a dead horse.  Of  course, if I try to explain things to her, she claims I am being “defensive”.   Whatever.  It is what it is.

Thanks, everyone!  Just let me know what you prefer:  stop the harassment or keep her posts?

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81 thoughts on “Open Letter to All Readers

  1. I reckon there’s little harm in leaving the comments there… and mostly ignored. The things this person says seem to be merely repetitions of socially popular opinion.

    You do not have to justify nor defend your choices or relationship to anyone.

    You offer this blog as a record of your experience so of course you open up to comments of the kind posted by J and the like. If you think the comments are causing unhappiness or derailing what you want the blog to be then delete as you wish. You created this blog for a reason. You own this blog.

    • Hi, Ami….

      Thanks for writing. I also thank you for responding to J. But, as has been her MO, she either didn’t read it correctly, or she chose to put her own spin on it.

      I think I’ll leave her comments for now. As you said, there is no harm in it. I can just ignore her.

    • Well…I guess I’m going to keep J’s posts coming! :-D

      I just wish she’d learn to bunch them all into one instead of a new comment on each paragraph! It does get tiresome.

  2. The one thing I will not retract is the healing aspect. It is completely insane to think that there is no healing process for all people who will be affected by an affair.

    It actually shows a lack of emotional maturity to think otherwise. All major relationship changes have a grieving process.

    Most of the time, the person who is choosing to have an affair is delaying a grieving process instead of accepting that heartbreak is painful.

    • Listen, J…

      Since you don’t know me or anything about the relationship between my guy and his wife, you can’t say that no one has had the time to “heal” (as you put it). My guy’s marriage was over before our relationship grew from a friendship. There was no physical contact for over a year. We were friends years ago and when we reacquainted, it was as if we never parted. He didn’t so much as kiss me until he knew that the marriage was over. In fact, he was very torn about what was happening with us. He didn’t enter into this lightly. As for his wife, she seems to not care what he does as long as she has a house, a car and paid bills. Not everyone reacts to the breakup of a marriage according to the textbooks.

      Unfortunately, we don’t live in your world of amicable divorces no matter what the situation, so he stays in the house that he worked so hard to get. This way, he can be kept informed about any extra-curricular activities that his daughter has coming up. If he’s not there, he won’t be told. Hell…he’s THERE and sometimes isn’t told (notes from school seem to get “lost”) until the day of when his daughter mentions it, then it’s too late for him to plan on leaving work early or not go in at all.

      When our affair first started (before it was actually a relationship), I had no idea that he was married. After a while, I knew something was bothering him, but he wouldn’t talk about it. He finally came clean and I ended it. That’s when he came to me and was finally honest about all of it. Even then, he never trashed his wife. It didn’t work…she stopped loving him (if she ever loved him at all).

      As for his daughter, it’s up to her parents to handle that situation as they see fit. I have no say, even though I have voiced my concern.

  3. He is delaying grieving ( loss of a home) grieving process. (loss of control over everyday aspect of his daughter’s life) grieving process. Divorces do not need to be amicable. There are programs for high conflict divorces.

    When his daughter finds out, grieving process.

    Every loss has a grieving process.

      • Sadly “other woman” there are many people in this world that have nothing better to do than to go on someone’s blog and personally bash their lifestyle.

        Me and my MM have been together for 11 years. Even though yes it is difficult at times to know that I cannot actually have him as mine – it is the path I choose to take. I know after his children are grown and out of the house, then he will leave her but until then it is what it is.

        I can leave anytime I want and he knows that. After reading your blog you are on the same boat as me.

        So, J please for the love of God find something else better to do with your time.

        • Hi, Virginia!

          As the years go by with my MM, I get more and more comfortable in the situation. I’ve learned that I like having my own space and know that I can never share the house I’m in now with him. It’s way too small!!! It’s good for just me, but add another adult here full-time and there’s nowhere to go to be alone!

          But, as you say, it is what it is. ;-)

          Thanks!

        • I am (almost) at a lost for words. “I know after his children are grown and out of the house, then he will leave her but until then it is what it is”? Do you hear yourself? If he hasn’t left by now what makes you think he is going to leave “after”? I know I may sound rude but I honestly am not trying to be. My husband started dating another woman in the interim of us filing for divorce and then reconciling. She got pregnant during that interim (no, they got pregnant) and thought my husband was going to leave me for her. To her surprise he hasn’t and their child is going to be 2 yrs old soon. Now, I came on here to try to understand how it is being the OW but quite frankly I think it’s a bit ridiculous to think a MM is going to leave his family and everything he has built for you. My husband tells me all the time that, she was an easy piece of a*&*$! Please, you deserve better than that. Owe it to yourself. The wife gets everything, and what do you get?

          • Hey Appalled,

            I have had the misfortune of being the cheated W and the OW. The truth is BOTH hurt. I am saddened that there is a blatent disregard for the child your H and his ex OW had together… It’s sounds like you feel you scored a point there by holding onto him, but you haven’t! The ugly truth is MM lie to both the W and the OW. The lies aren’t exclusively for the OW… I’m 100% sure your husband still lies to you now about his relationship with her… They do it so they can get what they want out of the situation. When i was seeing my ex MM he lied through his teeth to both of us about very major stuff… He never promised to leave, that was never gonna happen, i never deluded myself thinking it was just a matter of time. it was lies about his W and her behaviour, and the pregnancy with their twins concieved through IVF. I established my bounderies with him that the affair would end if he and her got pregnant or started IVF, and he ignored them.His lies found him out eventually and it got pretty rough for him when they did as i would no longer cover for him when his W asked questions after she found out. BTW, there is a default with MM… they ALL basically tell the W that the OW was a cheap piece of arse and they they came into them… and that them wanted to stop it but the OW either blackmailed him or was emotionally unstable.these lies are very predictable and a bit sad! Likewise, my ex H STILL lies to the woman he got caught having an affair with ( and went onto marry) I had the balls to divorce him though, and it was the most empowering with i ever did. It’s a shame more women don’t have the self respect to do it IMO. She thinks that he was in a loveless marriage where he was controlled and neglected… She refuses to believe that her (now) H had countless affairs behind my back… She thinks she saved him and that he was some kind of victim.More fool her and more fool any woman that stays with a MM after they do it to them!! Sorry if this is blunt, but its a very accurate representation of what REALLY happens during, and after a EMR.

          • He has three kids with her so if he left that is 32% wage garnishment plus 15% for alimony. It’s cheaper to keep her.

    • Perhaps it is delayed grieving. I question that there can be grieving without actual physical loss of some kind. Perhaps the affair is the healing. Perhaps it is simple greed – wanting it all. Perhaps it is sexual incompatibility. Perhaps he is trying to save face. Perhaps he is trying to protect his family. Perhaps he wants to maintain the status quo. What of it?

      The only judge can be those that are involved and even then, each person can only know their own actions and motivations. All things change, people die, people leave, people age – it’s just the nature of life. If any healing is required then leave it to the wisdom of the people involved.

  4. Oh you don’t insult people’s intelligence. “Amateur pyschoanalysis”

    The denial of your own behavior is actually amazing.

  5. Bottom line is affairs are not a healthy way to feel pain and they are based on a form of immature love. Peace out :-)

    • laughs and laughs, you are still nattering on to yourself?

      shall we go over the grieving process i went through when my spouse emotionally and physically abandoned me?

      i can tell you my motivation for “staying” not that you’ll listen, it is ALL about protecting my children for now, i have two of them with some special needs. perhaps we could cover the grieving process that occurs when you learn that your children have special needs and how utterly destructive THAT can be to a marriage.

      you
      know
      nothing

  6. DO NOT POST THIS

    i have changed my mind – i think you should ban the two of them, they could very well be one and the same spoofing ips or whatever. AND it’s pretty obvious that the one that is being vicious and naming names went to such levels of hate so as to spend the 12 bucks to get the info from whois.net. :(

    but we’re supposed to accept her assertion that she’s gleeful about her divorce.

    i’m not buying it.

    stay safe ♥

  7. So unless all of you are sociopaths or narcissists which I am starting to wonder. It is time to look in the mirror and take responsibility for the damage you are inflicting in others lives and simply grow up.

    • Ah, but OW (and OM) really don’t give a damn about anyone but themselves. If they actually cared about the cheater, they’d not abet them in disrespecting themselves, their spouse and their marriage.

      Hurting the spouse? Not my problem. Kids? They’ll get over it. Destroying the marriage? I had nothing to do w/that.

      OW are selfish, manipulative and broken. There are reasons why they seek out some one who is emotionally unavailable. They are just as damaged as the cheater and no decent single man would have them.

      Instead, they live off the crumbs, like roaches. They seek to justify their horrid actions, which is the definer of their characters.

      • broken? crumbs? manipulation? seek out? emotionally unavailable?

        oh dear, sweetie? you don’t have a clue.

      • wait i wasn’t really done.

        i have no intention or desire to EVER hurt his spouse, this is me, i can’t speak for others. His kids? I don’t want them harmed either.

        oh i get the analogy of having his cake and eating it too, but unless you are inside any human relationship – you’ll never understand what makes up that relationship, that’s just the truth.

        yes in the beginning i was petulant and demanding, and my expectations were wildly off base – but as time went by, 2 years, and the amount of time we spend together grew and i really got to know and understand his relationship to his W, understanding of what comprised that relationship set in, and i had to decide if I could honestly live with this situation or not.

        you see, in small ways, i win every time, whether it is a work situation or some other crisis in his life he comes to me first – or at all because she just goes all googly eyed and needs detailed hours of explanation to begin to understand what he’s talking about.

        cannot.
        relate.

        I get in seconds because our lives and business experiences lend themselves to that understanding and he so appreciates that. That’s just one example. There are thousands more.

        I’m sorry you were hurt, I’m sorry (this of course is in an empathetic way, i have nothing to do with what hurt you) but the writer of this blog has spelled out in so many ways, what a wife could do to prevent this, or heal from the aftermath and permanently win her man back… and it’s true. What I give my lover, his wife seems incapable of, and that’s more of an intellectual thing than anything else. That is, exactly why, he fell hard for me.

        ::shrugs::

      • The First Mrs….

        Do you really expect anyone to believe that you aren’t bitter about your divorce???? Your bitterness comes across very clearly in every single comment that you make. If you have truly moved on like you say you did, you wouldn’t feel the need to insult everyone who has ever found themselves in an extra-marital affair.

        Oh, I’m sorry….do you consider that “judgmental”? I guess saying that “they live off the crumbs, like roaches” or that OW are “selfish, manipulative and broken”, or “just as damaged as the cheater and no decent single man would have them” are said in “concern” and not meant to be insulting.

        I may be “bat-shit crazy” in your eyes, but I think I’d rather be that than live with the bitterness that you have. Maybe you should talk to someone about this so you can really move on…….

        • OW says: If you have truly moved on like you say you did, you wouldn’t feel the need to insult everyone who has ever found themselves in an extra-marital affair.

          Everyone? I must be the busiest broad on the planet insulting millions of people. ;)

          Also, one doesn’t find oneself in an A. One makes a series of conscious decisions that culminate in being in an A.

          Then OW says: I may be “bat-shit crazy” in your eyes, but I think I’d rather be that than live with the bitterness that you have. Maybe you should talk to someone about this so you can really move on…….

          Again, you keep trying to define me, and fail miserably. Your responses are just as presumptuous as your comments about your MM’s W.

          It must be tough for you knowing that you will always be your MM’s second choice. I can only surmise that you are by the fact that you’ve played understudy to his wife for the last 12 years.

          • Hello. I really like your site. I was reading these comments and I have to tell my story. First off, NO relationship can just be defined in black and white. The woman who owns this blog is 100% correct in saying there are many shades of grey. The wives ALWAYS want to use the statistics that the MM will never leave, and maybe most of the time its the case, certainly not ALL the time. Here is my story, complicated and unusual to a degree. And if anyone bashes my post, know this ahead of time, I am very educated, strong willed, and just take comments with a grain of salt. So, any insults will be just simply ignored. My MM was my live in boyfriend twenty two years ago. We were together three years. I was 19 when we started out, he was 24. Very much a romantic relationship, all the things you can think of, very special moments, very memorable. He had just ended a 6 month marriage to someone he knew from high school, had two small children, they parted amicably and are still friends to this day. One of those things where they were never in love, he got her pregnant, and felt responsible and married her. they were not in love. They had no common bond other than the two kids. He met me right after the divorce, AI had moved in across the street, as it turned out we were from the same neighborhood…(middle class, family values). We both were adopted children. Had that as a immediate connection. The attraction was immediate and the connection ridiculously strong. What happened? I was young and I had a child of my own, (my childs father was my rapist, I kept my son.) Neither one of us had easy adoptions, both sets of parents had issues, looked great on the outside, but inside had its own set of issues, abuse. My MM was very headstong, wanted a stay at home wife, I was in college for Criminal Justice, which he supported emotionally, but, I wanted to be a Officer. I was on a career track, he was the kind of guy that believed the women stayed home while raising kids. He was very very work minded too, in construction, worked long hours, wanted a business. Hard worker. Now, since being with my son at a early age, I wanted to go out with my friends once in a while. He hated it. Wanted no part of me being in a bar, or out late. He bucked and wondered if I was exiting the relationship while trying to fast track a career and be independent, he got jealous over absolutely nothing, and the more he bucked, me being stubborn, the more independent I became. We were young, always loved each other, just too young to communicate well. After the third year, one particular night of arguing, was tired of all the jealousy, I was doing absolutely nothing to warrant it, except perhaps not expressing myself well, he said just tell me you love me and I wont leave. I would not, my stubborness was in high gear…he called a friend and moved out. Now in the background which I did not know untill years and years later, his adopted Mom was in his ear alot telling him he needed a settle down type of girl. She never liked me, was petrified I would get him to find his birthparents. He met a girl at a job he was working on. Short relationship, got her pregnant. He was still seeing me on and off. I was devastated when he left, but too filled with pride to try and correct it. We still seen each other from time to time during those first six months after the breakup. I was being led by a girlfriend of mine to date other people, she hated my MM, jealous of our relationship. He had broken up with the girl, while she was pregnant. He wanted to take care of the child, but wanted to go back to me. He had told me about the pregnancy and I just could not get over it. He felt perhaps I did not love him anymore. I did very much, just could not deal with this new wrench in the relationship. She had told him she was on birth control, she was looking for a financial supporter, she had un supportive, divorced parents. She trapped him in a way too, especially once she knew how he was with his two little kids, excellent father. because of being adopted, went above and beyond to be financially and emotionally supportive to his two kids. But, he did break up with her. Once he tried to get back with me, he asked me to come to Thanksgiving dinner at his house, I already had issues with his mother, and my girlfriend was in the background saying “dont do it”. Plus was thinking of this girl pregnant, and just could not emotionally deal with all of it. So I declined the invitation, and he was hurt. Fast foward months later of no contact because he seen I was casually dating, would see a guy at my house, he picked back up with this girl, at the urging of his mother and a good friend. The baby was stillborn, passed away. Horrible for the mother, I am sure. Can only imagine. My MM kept thinking of me, knew he did not love this girl. Told her sister he was going to get back with me. The girls father talked to him, saying how emotionally stressed she was, she blamed me for her loss of the baby, incredibly enough, was apparently suicidal, and he seen me with another guy one evening while parked across from my house. He made a split decision to get with this girl and marry her. He figured she would be good enough, he felt I was working and career minded, and did not love him, plus, he was out to prove to his mothers side of the family (that side was fairly wealthy and opinionated, considered him the black sheep, as he was already divorced, many of them stay in unhappy marriages) that he could in fact, settle down, have a business, make money, get a nice house, etc. And so he did. There was no big wedding, a park affair with a justice of the peace, her proposal was over the phone, and a dinner afterwards. He seen me shortly after this wedding, she was pregnant again, he cried and told me he wished it was me. My heart was dying inside, but, I let him go. (My regrets remain with me to this day), we seen each other from time to time, for that first year almost 19 years ago. I felt cheated out of a life that was supposed to be mine, but, knew it was over in reality, not emotionally over, just could not work at this point. Too much had happened. I moved and we lost touch. In this interim of nineteen years, I had married a quiet guy, I was not in love with, He used me financially, he was good to my first son, that was the big draw, also, zero fighting or arguing, he was not a hard worker, came from a poor family, no father, just wanted a stable life, but did not want to work hard to get it.He essentially became a Mr. Mom type half the time, while I fast tracked my career in Law Enforcement. The relationship was a very friendly, room mate with benefits kind of relationship. I never ever felt loved. I cleaned and worked and did all the scheduling and running, he cooked, he went out alot the first five years, his mother babysat. Would come home late in the morning, drunk, and I told him I would leave him. He stayed and stopped going out. Why I settled for this kind of relationship, I will never know. Stupid. Thought of my ex constantly. My husband was so unromantic, not the hearts and flowers kind of guy, not very communicative either. I became dead inside after about ten years. Threw myself into my job, and moved up the ranks. Had moved out of state and was doing well at my job. About seven years ago, my husband decided after I had bought a house, he wanted to be in NY with his family, it was a situation where I either divorced him and fought with him for my kids, or came back. At this point , I almost hated him, knew he was jealous of my career, but I stayed and became very very depressed, gained weight, the whole nine yards. Got a new job in law enforcement, got diabetes, scared myself from how sick and depressed I was, and completely changed my lifestyle. Started working out, eating right, dropped my weight. Got healthy again physically, but my heart and mind were still messed up. Now my MM during all those years also had a unloving relationship, no communication, no affection, (mostly his fault, he could not give it to her, he loved me), she was essentially the mother of his kids, and the caretaker, dinner maker, etc. Not a companion by any means. He drank alcohol for alot of those years, to numb himself on the weekends. he was making money hand over fist….he was gone all the time during the week with his main job, and on the weekends had his own construction business, spent Sunday with the three kids he had with her plus his other two, who are older in their twenties now., his kids with her are thirteen, fifteen and nineteen. He looked great to his family, getting the job done, made and constructed a nice home for himself, doing most of the work himself. He was also very empty inside. Money motivated him thou. He was pushing love to the back burner with alcohol. Busy busy the rest of the time. No romantic tendendies in his relationship with her. Cheated on her weekly, he admitted to me, she was cold, he probably made her that way, she could never get him to love her. She knew it was always me. She kept tabs on me thru facebook, blocked him from seeing my account, she thought I was still out of State, had no idea I was back here in our home State. She knew he was cheating and told him it was ok, she grew up with a grandmother telling her all men did that and would grow out of it. She grew up watching her father do it, but her father actually left her mother for the woman, and he is still with her. She was ok with it as long as she received the checks, the bills were paid, and she had a nice car to drive. Sorry to tell you, thats NOT love. its financial, and she had NO desire to work, no high school diploma, was just happy showing the outside world, “see what I have”, but, inside the home, was a mess. She started for a time not paying the bills, did not pay the taxes for almost a year and a half, my MM came home one day to a foreclosure notice for back taxes, she had been hiding all the letters from the agency, letting him spend money all that time, never saying a word. To this day its unexplained where that money went. He was furious, she played it off and lied even when caught. Finally owned up to it a few months later, but played stupid as far as where the thousands of dollars went. Understand that this man works incredibly hard. He said he tried a few times to make it work, but you cant force love to be there. He said he would go home and literally not a word would be said all night. She would have his dinner and be the ultimate housewife, but no desire to be a companion. Never in all their years were there romantic one on one dates, cuddling, making love (yes ladies there IS a difference between sex and making love, if you say there is not, you NEVER were in love) or memorable times between them other than the kids. He had no respect for her, allowing him to basically see other girls (and he never found love with any of them either, basic sex) and telling him it was ok. About a year ago, he stopped drinking the spring of 2012. His head cleared up. Memories of us were killing him. He made the decision to have a friend contact me, he was afraid of rejection, he thought I was happily married, his friend said when she looked at my facebook pics, she told him I did not look happy. For about a year he had been discussing me with this friend, about how I was his true love and he just could not see living the rest of his life into his old age without that feeling, with his wife whom he knew once the kids were raised, would be a empty emotionless existence. He said he had never experienced in his life anything like he had with me., never, and was just wondering what my life was like. Last summer, I opened up my facebook to a message using a old cute nickname he had for me back then, my stomach dropped. I was a nervous wreck, and a little upset wondering what could he possibly want after all these years had gone by. We had our first phone conversation, and it was that immediate connection. I cried and cried after that call, but never let him know that. We met out, it was supposed to be a friendly see what you are doing encounter, I was curious, we had left things undone back then, unresolved, unspoken, I wanted some answers. Immediately upon laying eyes on each other, we cried, ALOT. This is a burly, big manly man, who does not shed tears, never showed that emotion in nineteen years of marriage. She did not know that guy, my MM, but, I did. We did not start the relationship at that point, held hands and hugged and cried. met a few times after that, dinner, lots and lots of talking, walking, holding hands, kissing, etc. When I see it was a immediate you KNOW this is your soul mate, the person you spent decades in love with, never forgot about, its no lie. When two people are meant to be together, no amount of lying, people trying to keep you apart, distance or time, will undo it. people make mistakes, people are not neat little packages, with moral compasses. I NEVER wanted to be the OW, was very verbal about it. Not that kind of girl. But felt his wife got herself into something, KNOWING he would never love her, happy to have all her financial freedom, sleeps late, happy to be a mother, inside I am sure she WANTED him to love her like she KNEW he loved me, but she knew he never would. Perhaps talked herself into thinking SOMEDAY, he would come around. Someday never got there for her, sadly. We have seen each other steadily this whole year, I am not hidden. His whole family knows, (mother pretends its not happening, tried to talk him out of it, he told her she would NEVER change it, so stop trying), his oldest kids are accepting, his younger kids are impervious…(I have not met them) the wife knows too. She has tried to stop it, I am sure its her worst nightmare. She is absolutely a nightmare, threatened him she is going to take him for everything he has, talks to the kids in filthy tones about me, swears in front of them, talks about how daddy is gong to “f” his whore now. Etc…one big huge mess. I divorced my husband. I have three kids. We dont feel with two nasty spouses, that do not want to accept that it was always a unhappy marriage, both for financial reasons neither of them want to let go, and just say me and my MM are just pigs, and whores and all the classic insults. I have given my MM a million outs that he could have taken by now, for a while there, I could not handle the fact I had to contend with his wife. I cried and threw fits, never actually broke up with him, I knew if I did, he would have left her, but then we would all be unhappy, raising stepchildren is very very hard, especially in these circumstances, he goes home to abuse almost daily, still to this day, she has known about us since the winter, yet refuses to move on. Does NOT want to lose her lifestyle. He offered to send her to school, she refused, hoping for a big payout I guess when this is over in a few years. He has told everyone, including his kids, that he is getting a divorce and marrying me when these kids are out of school. Three more years. He sleeps over alot, he has met my kids. My kids are fine with it, they are happy to see me happy once again, I act alive now. He sees me all thru the week and every single Saturday after work, we have a date night. Its so known. Even to her. He DOES sleep on the couch, have not had relations since the winter. She would have gladly taped it and sent it to me if they were, she has contacted me endlessly, a tirade of insults, and nasty voicemails, facebook messages and telling me how she sleeps with him and mocking our true love status, I told her to tape it then, give me some proof, you know him telling her he loves her, in bed with her, them kissing, something, and I would leave forever. Of course that has never come to fruition, because it does not exist. She refuses to leave. He rides it out for his kids, does not want them living in a apt, we both dont want him moving in with me and my kids, he is headstrong, him and my kids would bump heads, and mine are teenagers too, and his kids would hate him for him looking as if he is raising my kids while he left them, in a apt to boot. She does not have the capability to stay in their home, she would intentionally not pay bills and he would lose his house, she does NOT want to see me living there. So, yes its a mess. I have gone thru the gamut, thought he was cheating me out of a life, felt at times maybe all the sayings were true and that he was making excuses. Did not know if I could survive the wait. Every time I have tried to talk about leaving, its been a cry fest for both of us, we both know we would be absolutely miserable letting each other go, we did that once already. He holds my hand in public, never cares who sees, has been caught a million times, but tells her its never going to end, so move on. She still stays too. Just proves volumes about how its not really love for her, its a lifestyle she would be embarrassed to have to show everyone it was a big farce, not too mention lose her cushion. He tries to help me financially, I wont take it. I am self sufficient. He gets upset over that. I feel his money is for his kids, when we live together, its a different story. I pity her. I feel terrible that it has to be this way. But, the truth is you cant help who you love. Its undeniable. Yes, he still has to lie to her from time to time, albeit she catches him constantly, I know absolutely everything thats going on, Have seen her texts, her calls, he has taped their conversations to show me, he was afraid of losing me, due to my doubts. I no longer have them. I KNOW he will leave, no doubt. I also know he loves me, it kills him that he cant give me the life right now I wanted, its messy, and I have accepted it, the alternative is too heartbreaking, we wasted enough years being foolish and stupid, look where it got us. Its life thou, things are not always black and white. There IS GREY. Many of the OW haters will try and slay me, with the think of the kids rhetoric…I AM thinking of ALL the kids which is why we are doing it this way….and with the too bad you gave him up, you should leave him alone….bullcrap, he WONT give me up, we WONT give each other up, stayed in our hearts for twenty years, that says something. Most people NEVER get to find or experience that. So its not understood. And finally, its just for sex rhetoric, not at all the case. Does not leave afterwards, turns his phone off, cuddles, hugs, takes me out, and tells me not to hide. He proves it all the time, I am really not the OW, I am the ONLY woman in his heart, she has the paper for now. She even sold her rings. She calls me his girlfriend, she knows in her heart her time is limited. In her bubble world she is probably hoping for it to end, so she can resume her make pretend world. It makes life easier for her. I dont mean to be callous, but, I abhor women like that, drives me nuts. I would never tolerate him cheating ever, ever, ever. He knows I would be gone in a minute. His oldest son cant believe his father no longer even looks at pretty girls. He just has no interest. He is in love. The rhetoric of a cheater is a cheater does not apply here either, I lived with the guy, He NEVER stayed out all night or was out of touch with me. Never. is never out of touch now either when working. At night in his hotels calls me all the time, and always answers the phone when I call him. Trust him implicitly. Sorry this was so long. At the end of this, i hope all of you take something from this. My motto is life is too short to be unhappy. I choose happiness. I choose love. Nebver letting it go again. In the arms of the man I am meant to be with. Thats it. Thank you for letting me share.

      • Have you ever thought that maybe us humans are designed to be with more than one partner? Just because society deems us to be in monogamists relationships doesn’t mean that it might not be in our human nature to be with more than one person at a time.

        Polymany have been around for centuries. It was also in the Bible that many men had many wives. Poly marriages used to exist until the late 1800′s when a senator who couldn’t get a wife decided that it wasn’t fair that many men had many wives. Now it’s illegal to have more than one spouse. So if it is socially acceptable to be in a Poly relationship then there will be no reason to “sneek” around.

  8. I’ll assume that Dr Jay PhD (not MD) performance coach is an expert. And I’ll assume that Psychology Today as a popular magazine rather than an academic journal, has some credibility. I’ll also ignore that there are no cited references in the article.

    Dr Jay himself states right up front that “The psychology of infidelity is actually quite complex, much more than the current moralistic conversation about it where people are “good”, “bad” or “flawed”, therefore dismissed as damaged goods.”

    This does seem to contradict your contention that it’s simply delayed grieving and they all need healing.

    He goes on to say:
    “The purpose of every affair is often as unique as the personality, life history, beliefs, values, needs and relationship dynamics of the person being unfaithful, and for that reason, I dismiss pithy overly simplistic explanations that try to answer complex questions through 3-step programs.”

    And then explains 12 patterns in more detail as being “some” of the patterns.

    Only in the “Type III: Poor Strategies & Bad Intent Affairs:” patterns does he attribute the affair to immaturity.

    So in summary, the article you point to does not support your bottom line.

  9. The above reply was in response to J’s expert link… I hit the wrong reply button and can’t delete/edit.

  10. J is a very impolite person and I honestly skip her comments because they are mostly ranting. So keep ‘em, or don’t keep ‘em. I don’t think that most people have the patience to read all that rambling. But may I please offer another point of view (POV)?

    Here it goes…

    When I first read your blog, I was… intrigued.

    On one hand, we all know that cheating is common and there’s no point in pretending that it doesn’t exist (please note that I am not saying that it is all good or all bad to cheat; I am saying that it is a widespread reality).

    On the other hand, I also felt – and I’m honestly trying to be polite here – annoyed. And here’s why (please bear with me because you seem to be someone who really listens to the other side of things):

    a) I’ve read you claim that your MM doesn’t not have sex with his wife. Or have any other type of significant physical contact with her (like making out and stuff);
    b) I’ve read you claim that his wife isn’t supportive of his family or his feelings on wanting a divorce (the brainwash she will try to do on the daughter if he leaves her); and
    c) I’ve read you say that the only person that he sleeps with is you (your words were something like “He would need more hours in the day to be able to sleep with someone else”… again, I’m paraphrasing).

    And here’s why I was a little annoyed (again, not the best word and I truly mean no offense):

    a) He could be lying about not having sex with her. And I know that you think he’s not and it’s obviously your business (but you did create a blog about your life so we are commenting) and your opinion is the only one that matters since you are sleeping with him (and not me or anyone else who is writing this). I know that you have a lot of “evidence” that points to the fact that he doesn’t sleep with her. But there are people who lie well, manipulate well and the thing about these people is that precisely because they are such great liars, you usually can’t tell;

    b) Maybe there’s more to the “not being supportive to his family” story than meets the eye. I know that you have super close contact with his family, but you haven’t heard the wife’s side of things. Unless she is a sociopath, it would make little sense for her to despise them without any cause (not saying that it’s reasonable cause, simply that it’s cause enough for her to feel the way she does). Hey, maybe she even doesn’t like them because they know about you. And before you say “she didn’t like them before they knew about me”, maybe he had an affair before you and they knew about this other lady. (And if he said he didn’t have an affair before you…he could be lying… not saying that he is for sure, but he could be). Likewise, there could be more than meets the eye about her threatening to brainwash the kids (not saying that there absolutely IS more than meets the eye, just that it’s a possibility);

    c) About the not having sex with other people thing… look, there’s no way you can know if he is or isn’t. You can tell us that you’re sure because you love and trust him. To that, there would be no response. And good for you if that’s how you feel. Truly. But the whole “there aren’t enough hours in the day thing” simply doesn’t exist. A quickie in the office takes 10 min. And please don’t say “he doesn’t work at an office” or “his secretary is ugly”. This is just one of the 10000 examples of how one can blitz cheat. Cheating is easy.

    Again, NOT here to judge you. I’m not married and I’m not seeing a married man so I have no horse in this race. I read your blog because I’m a fiction author and I am doing research on my latest novel (it has the POV of the married woman and of the mistress). And I enjoy it. You seem like an independent, fun, well educated woman who gets that life isn’t black and white and things are nuanced and, well, complicated. My only point is that you seem to think that you know all there is to know about you MM’s life, feelings towards his marriage, intentions towards you etc. And I’m just here to tell you that you can’t know that. Oh, you can know it, for instance, in your heart, the way that a mom knows that her son isn’t guilty of a crime because she loves and trusts him. But this same mom can’t actually, rationally know that her son didn’t do it unless she was with him (or sees an indisputable evidence like an unadulterated tape of his alibi during the crime) at the time of the crime. And you don’t spend 24 hours with your MM, so you don’t KNOW. You know in your heart (I’m assuming).

    So, as a reader, here’s my two cents: maybe add some doubt to your entries (as they are, they are very absolute, probably without you noticing it). Simply because with age, comes maturity and a big part of maturity is knowing that there are very few things we can be absolutely certain of. Especially when it comes to another human beings behavior… But this is also an OPINION blog. So, hey, if you want to keep on being absolute and sure about your POVs, good for you. I am not here to judge, just to offer an opinion since you open this blog up for comments.

    On a side note, congrats on the blog. You’re a good writer and you are clearly offering a much needed space for women (be it OW, wives or third parties) to discuss an important subject.

    All the best!

    • You can be absolutely certain about whether or not you enjoy the relationship for what it is and whether or not it serves you.

    • Hi, Gio!

      I think I’ve been pretty clear that the relationship I have with my MM is WAY different than most! Seriously…how many affairs happen in the open? I see what you’re saying about adding some doubt. The thing is, it’s mostly about my relationship. I have said that at any time, this could end, even though it’s been going strong for a little more than 10 years now. I have no delusions that I can’t be “terminated” if his wife has had enough.

      As with any relationship, it’s a matter of trust. Yes, he lied in the beginning, but I’m pretty sure we got that ironed out. It’s weird because I know when he’s afraid to tell me something (like if we have plans but he has to cancel because his daughter needs him that day). He gets chatty. When he starts talking a mile a minute about stupid stuff, I let him go on for a bit, then ask him flat out what it is he’s not telling me. One thing I know (again, it’s a matter of faith and trust) is that he is no longer sleeping with his wife. He hasn’t so much as slept in the same room with her for years. Am I positive? I can’t be positive because I don’t live there, but, as you said, I know this in my heart. If I had doubts, I would not be here for him in other capacity but a friend.

      I don’t know everything about his marriage and as far as his intentions towards me are concerned, I doubt we will be living together any time soon (if at all). I don’t plan my life around him (though for a little while, I did) and do what I want, when I want to do it. I have been thinking of moving out of state, but that can’t happen right now. He wants me to move closer to him, but I told him that the only way that is going to happen will be if he moved in with me. I’ll go over that hurdle when the time comes, but in the meantime, I’m looking at real estate down south.

      I know the things that went on between my guy’s wife and his family and I can see her side as to why she doesn’t like them. But what I don’t understand is how she can take HER feelings and transfer them to their daughter. It’s not right that this girl has family she doesn’t know and probably will never know. If his family is so bad, the girl would have found out on her own if allowed to see them once in a while. I don’t know how good of an idea bringing her to his aunts’ houses at this point in time will be because they are in their 90s and have no filter in what they say (kind of like Sophia in Golden Girls!)! I’m afraid they may tell the poor child exactly how they feel about her mother…which would NOT be a good thing! I’m a firm believer in never bad-mouthing family in front of a child. Each child needs to make his or her own decision on who to “like” or “not like”. I used that belief with my ex and his family and it worked out great! My kids knew all their grandparents and got to hear all the stories of their lives. No one should dislike another when the only reason is because they were taught to dislike that person.

      No, he isn’t having sex with anyone at work. LOL!! If you knew where he worked, you would understand how I can be so sure about this! Let’s just say that right now, he’s working a lot of overtime because his plant was brought down by “Sandy” and they’ve been replacing all the equipment, piece by piece, building by building. It’s a filthy job, but somebody has to do it! ;-)

      Anyway…thank you so much for writing and being NICE about something even though you don’t agree with the subject matter. Good luck with your new novel!

      • Dear Other Woman,
        I am posting this message in an effort to reach out to other Christian wives who want to restore their marriages. Please email *****************. We offer support, prayer and encouragement for women who are dealing with cheating husbands and who want to look to God to help them heal their household. Yes, it is possible to pray and rebuild a home thru Christ.
        Now in response to your website and your lifestyle. I ask a simple question. Do you have any religious belief or spiritual guidance? If so, how do you justify your behavior? Not to me, not to the neighbors, family or co-workers. But to God. How do you deal with God and His expectation that we honor marriage. Do you pray? Do you attend church? Do you take this married man with you to church? If you have ANY religious belief, I do not know how you reconcile your behavior in your own head and heart. No major religion condones what you are doing.
        Let us be real in acknowledging that only a lonely woman dates a married man. I do not believe that he kept the knowledge of his wife and child from you especially if you claim there was such a good friendship in place prior to sex. Once you found out, the only response a woman who is not lonely would give to a married man is , “I don’t date married men”. More than one married man has approached me and that was my response. I was actually insulted the first time a married man approached me as I felt he thought he could have me and his family. My worth is more than that and I let him know it. I am married with children and I restored my marriage after an affair. Nothing is impossible with God.
        You may not know this, but Jesus performed His first miracle at a wedding. That is how sacred and important marriage is to God. Despite your own divorce, you could reconcile yourself to your former huband with prayer and some patience. I do not mean taking back an unrepetant cheater. I mean, your ex-husband can be transformed. Cheating is wrong and it is a reason for a biblical divorce. However, cheating can be forgiven and the marriage can be restored. I know that you feel you set up a very sophisticated and urbane life spending time with your married lover and getting to know his family. But the big glitch in this whole lifestyle is that you are sinning. His wife is trying her best to keep things together despite her knowledge of you. But, for all you know, she may be praying for a restored household and God will honor her prayers.
        Let’s go back to where you were lonely and opened yourself up to a married man. I can believe that they had problems before he got involved with you. Your presence made it nearly impossible for him to work thru things. Each time he should have worked things out with her, his immaturity led him to run to you. And, your loneliness took him in. If he didn’t run to you, maybe he would have run to yet another woman. Or, he might have gone home and set his marriage right. Your excuse is the same one that all people engaged in negative behavior use. All drug dealers say the same thing, “they are going to buy the drugs from somebody! I might as well get the money”. Or, you talk yourself into believing that what you have with him is special. If it is so special, how come God did not send the married man to you before he met his wife? If given the opportunity and space to mature, that husband might actually go home and learn to be a good FATHER and HUSBAND. He cannot learn those skills while sweating on top of you in your bed. He belongs at home with the wife and child God gave him PERMANENTLY.
        Anyway, I hope that this man answers the call God has on His life. I hope he returns home in the fullest sense as a prodigal husband. I hope the wife receives him in a forgiving way that restores the marriage. I hope you develop your relationship with God and recognize that God loves you and died on a cross for you. And when you get closer to God, you will need to break all ties with the married man. No texts, no emails, no calls and no visits. Jesus does not want you to waste your life with another woman’s husband but He wants us to serve the Lord. Do you understand that your lifestyle will send you to hell? No man is worth your eternal soul.
        I know this is touching your soul and you may not even know how to end this thing with the married man. Begin by praying to God. He will guide you out of this life and bring you back to Him. God bless and I pray you find your way back to God very soon!!

        • Mrs. Wife…

          I approved your message but deleted the email address that you put in. If anyone wants it, they can contact you for it, but I will not have a link that could contain a virus on my site.

          Obviously, you don’t realize that not everyone is Christian in this world. When I read judgmental comments like yours, it reaffirms my decision to cut myself free from my born-again Christian relatives.

          I get that you don’t agree with someone being the other woman, but that doesn’t give you the right to pretend to know what someone else’s marriage is like. It also doesn’t give you the right to tell anyone else how to live. We all need to make our own decisions in life. I know I’m making the right decision in sticking with my man.

          Here is what you say…my responses to this is in bold/italics:

          Let’s go back to where you were lonely and opened yourself up to a married man (I was never “lonely”. I like being alone and always have. I didn’t “open myself up to a married man”…I didn’t know he was married when we first started seeing each other). I can believe that they had problems before he got involved with you. Your presence made it nearly impossible for him to work thru things. Each time he should have worked things out with her, his immaturity led him to run to you. And, your loneliness took him in (How dare you call someone you don’t know “immature”!?!?! The problems in his marriage were unfixable. He tried; she wasn’t having it. Once again, you claim that my “loneliness” is what made me “let him in”. Since you don’t know me, my man or our entire situation, you really shouldn’t judge). If he didn’t run to you, maybe he would have run to yet another woman. Or, he might have gone home and set his marriage right (Again, he tried to set the marriage right. He was emotionally abandoned). Your excuse is the same one that all people engaged in negative behavior use (I don’t make excuses. We fell in love. End of story). All drug dealers say the same thing, “they are going to buy the drugs from somebody! I might as well get the money” (Now you equate an affair to being a drug dealer?!?!?! Babe…you are truly warped). Or, you talk yourself into believing that what you have with him is special. If it is so special, how come God did not send the married man to you before he met his wife? (I did meet him before he met his wife, but the timing wasn’t right for us. The situation is far more complicated than you could ever imagine). If given the opportunity and space to mature, that husband might actually go home and learn to be a good FATHER (My man is an excellent father) and HUSBAND. He cannot learn those skills while sweating on top of you in your bed (Seriously? This comment is just too rude to even acknowledge). He belongs at home with the wife and child God gave him PERMANENTLY (I’m so glad that in your perfect world marriages are all happy).

          You are typical of what I have encountered with my family. When I say that, I don’t mean that they didn’t agree with my relationship…they don’t agree with my decision to NOT become born-again. I think you need to learn a lesson though. Doesn’t your Bible say, “Judge not lest ye be judged”? Think about it. Judgment is NOT your place.

          • Other Woman,

            Thank you for your response to my post. However, the answers that I really wanted to know were the first questions that I asked?

            Do you have any religious belief or spiritual guidance? If so, how do you justify your behavior? Not to me, not to the neighbors, family or co-workers. But to God? How do you deal with God and His expectation that we honor marriage? Do you pray? Do you attend church? Do you take this married man with you to church?

            I understand if you say that you have no relationship with God. Perhaps you do and you feel that God would make an exception based on the circumstances of your relationship. If you don’t have any relationship with God, did you have one prior to your affair with this married man?

          • Mrs. Wife…

            I do not like to speak of my spiritual beliefs to strangers. That part of my life is personal to me and it has nothing to do with my relationship with my man. We were there for each other as friends and we continue to be there for each other as friends and lovers.

            I believe that ALL gods are valid and don’t mock anyone for their beliefs. You need to learn that in this world, not everyone is Christian, nor do they read your Bible as fact. That does not make them bad people. We are all individuals and not cookie cutter Stepford Wives. You seem to feel differently. Please don’t lump everyone together to fit your mold. It doesn’t work that way.

          • Other Woman,

            I get that you set up this website as a meeting ground for women who are involved with married men. You are championing the cause of the other woman. Sort of like the head cheerleader. You don’t respond kindly or favorably to posts that point out the lifestyle of the other women as negative or immoral.

            Okay. But, you should do a study of “other women” and you’ll find that, for the majority of cases, they come out on the losing end. Most of the time, the man reconciles with his wife. Even the few other women who wind up with the man, it is usually just for a short season. All the unresolved issues that the man and other woman had which created the affair usually don’t survive once they have prolonged, daily contact. Most affairs are brief bursts of energy, like lighting a match, that burn out quickly.

            Other women set themselves up for a second class citizenship and that makes no sense in today’s day and age. Too many options.

            I have a BFF who got involved with a married man. Her story is amazing because she is beautiful, highly educated AND rich from money she earned in her professional career. She & her hubby divorced (he had severe mental illness and became dangerous) so she was on the single seen for awhile. She got involved with a colleague and because she was lonely (her words not mine) when they got started. She previously had a very good relationship with God, but stopped going to church, questioned the bible, everything changed for this man.

            My BFF said everything you said. No one understands because, “it was complicated”. What they had “was special”. The wife “emotionally abandoned” the other man. She felt she was better suited to him than the wife. They talked about everything. He, too, was rich, and planned to “help her”. When I asked her about her relationship with God while the affair was going, she was actually hostile. Like asking her that question was rude or ridiculous.

            Well, he reconciled with the wife and dropped my friend. I felt so sorry for her. The man called her cell and said he was done with her, never loved her and that it was just for sex. She hurt for a long time, but she got herself back in church and has vowed to stay away from married men. I am glad he dropped her because it freed her up to get right with God and find a suitable mate. We have a supportive group of girlfriends who knew about the affair. We were there for her when it broke apart. Took turns calling her and talking every night so she wouldn’t be too lonely. We spent time with her when she allowed but mostly she wanted to be at home. She did admit she was waiting on a call from him. He never did. But, she called him and he hustled her off the phone so she stopped.

            Jude Law/Daisy Wright, Monica Lewinski, Ashley Dupre, Michelle McGee, there are many “other women” who get the short stick. In the long haul, they never really do okay in the romance department because they are seen as easy and untrust worthy. Google Monica Lewinski. She was so young and dumb. Her name is forever a punch line. Never married and still paying off legal debt from all those years ago……….

          • Mrs. Wife…

            Nice little tale you tell there.

            Once again, you seem to think we’re all these dumb broads who went out looking for a married man. Once again, you are wrong in your assumptions.

          • laughs some more, and the other shoe drops.

            just to sight “Mrs Wife’s” previous unchristianlike behavior – and her do as I say not as I do type behavior, prototypical of all “born again” evangelists. Wonder how they handle heathen Catholic cheaters?

            The silliness continues.

            Sorry, I don’t claim an imaginary bff in the sky; though I don’t condone those that do. It’s your life, choose to live it as you please, remember, even in Christianity… God supposedly granted free will.

          • Ah, Bella…..

            You forget one thing: Free will was granted, but those exercising it were punished. Just like when Eve took a bite of that apple. It was her choice to do it, but she was punished for it. Not only was SHE punished, but her entire family was punished. I guess God learned from Lilith that by only punishing the woman, man was then free to make the same mistake twice. Poor Adam….He couldn’t control Lilith, then along came Eve. Two strikes and he was out. ;-)

    • I too appreciate your well reasoned reaction to everything written and posted on this blog, you provide a lot of food for thought.

      And? You are 100% correct, there is no way to completely 100% trust that anyone is telling the truth about anything. This includes your spouse of 20 years in what feels like a healthy loving marriage that appears to have no problems on the inside or the outside. That’s just the objective truth about all humans in all situations and relationships.

      In the interest of research for you novel, I will disclose that I know and encourage my MM to continue to attempt an intimate relationship with his spouse – because in my selfish best interest? I know that bells and alarms would go off if he didn’t fulfill the infrequent expectation that something occurs. It was part and parcel of whether I could accept and compromise myself in continuing the relationship. How do I know or am I guaranteed that things between them are as he presents them? That is a matter of trust, that he’s built over time on all sorts of issues.

      No amount of me trying to sneak a challenge regarding his honesty on any topic has succeeded in my turning up anything or anytime that he hasn’t been full on honest with me from the start – and he follows through with every promise he’s ever made to me. And that includes the stuff that makes me say ouch and that he knew would make me say ouch.

      I’m not trying to say that our relationship is some special snowflake… I just know what it is and what it is not. He supports me emotionally and once in awhile financially. I’m in school right now to get my career back on track and he’s paying for that.

      I do think that what we have is an exception and not the rule, but it is that exceptional? I doubt it. I think that many people when they are young marry for all the wrong reasons and at some point in life recognize that they need more – but don’t want to completely blow their lives apart. Add to that a sustained difficult economy and you come up with all kinds of reasons for different relationships.

      Just my take.

  11. Thank you Gio. That was very well written and yes I was being impolite. I don’t have the writing skills that you have, however you wrote what I felt and in a much more eloquent manner than I could. Thank you for the lesson.

  12. About 9mnths ago I was transferred to a new job location where I was the only female. I had made it very clear I would not be dating any of them especially the married ones. So we all hung out. About 2 mnths into the job I noticed a strong connection to one of my co workers, so I resisted even more. he knew about how frustrated I was with men only wanting sex from me. He also knew how I hated liars. 7 mnths into our friendship it became sexual. Immediately it turned into a full blown relationship. He even went as far as to tell his wife he wasn’t in love with her. But they remained together. We only got closer in every aspect. I would tell me daily I was not going to lose him and how in love he was with me. Begin of may he was transferred to another state for work. We cried when he left , I felt like a piece of me was gone. But we maintained contact daily all day, and skyped daily. We maintained a close connection. A week ago he came to visit me and she knew as soon as he landed because she was tracking his phone. The entire weekend was miserable for all of us. He and I still managed to have a somewhat close time together. In in all he said he could never give me up. Sunday night he went home and begged her to stay. They both agreed they would work it out for the kids. But he was to have no contact with me at all or she would leave. He told me on speaker phone with her he never loved me and it was just sex. He emailed me a day later saying he wanted to provide closure but we would never talk again.
    I hoping for support because I have been crying for a week over this, He told me he felt like we needed to be together forever and were soul mates. He told her the same thing that sunday night.
    Did he just tell me that he didn’t love me to save his marriage or did he really not love me?

    • Anon…

      I don’t know how your MM feels about you, but I know one thing: if a man’s wife finds out about an affair and tells him to call the other woman to say it’s over, if there are kids involved, he will do it. Of course he told you he never loved you when his wife was right there listening to the conversation on speakerphone. Personally, I wouldn’t give that conversation too much weight. I’m not saying that he lied to you that night, but it’s a possibility under the circumstances. They have kids, so he had to do what she wanted him to do or she would have taken the kids from him.

      Now, here’s another problem: he’s now living in another state and his wife will be keeping him on a very tight leash from now on. He may love you, but the circumstances make it nearly impossible for him to see you anymore. Begin the healing process and move on. Take the time to remember the good times and the bad. Cry it out, but don’t dwell on it too long. You have a life out there waiting for you. If he gets a chance to contact you, he will, but don’t expect it. It doesn’t mean he lied to you, but it means he’s trying to forget for the sake of the kids.

      • If he was actually serious about OW, he’d not agree to anything his W wanted. If he loved OW, he would have been more concerned w/sparing her feelings, rather than his Ws.

        It really is as simple as this: if a MM wants to be w/OW, for real, he will leave & get divorced. All of the reasons you cite are excuses. It’s that simple.

    • He DIDNT love you. Sad reality but truth. Yes, he said what he needed to say to get you in the bed. There is a website called Rejoice Marriage Ministries. This ministry was started by a couple who had experienced adultery in their marriage. The husband was a cheater and a manipulator. After several years, he moved away from his wife and three kids and actually divorced because he thought he wanted to marry the ow. But, with time, and the prayers of his wife, he realized he wanted and needed to be home. He went back home and remarried his wife that same day. He called the other woman and told her they were done. They were remarried 19 years before he died. The husband wrote many books on the subject from the perspective of a cheating husband. He was honest when he admitted that he did tell women that he loved them but DIDNT mean it.

      You girls that get yourself wrapped up with married men really do yourselves a dis-service. For the most part, these couples get back together. They are enjoying their retirement years with paid off homes, grown kids and grand kids and a stability that a woman who lends her like cheating can never enjoy.

      Learn from your mistake and move on. Don’t compound your foolishness by now pretending to be his friend again.

      • Mrs. Wife….

        You don’t know of Anonymous’s relationship, so you have no right to tell her how her man felt or didn’t feel.

        You’ve made your points. If anyone wants to contact you, they will reply to you.

        • OW,

          Anonymous posted her story and concluded by asking if the man loved her. She asked. I don’t know the man and neither do you. However, his decision to tell her that he never loved her to end all contact tells the story.

          I referenced the web site Rejoice Marriage Ministries because it discusses many issues like the one she posed. The co-founder, a husband who divorced his wife but later left the other woman and remarried his wife, said in plain language, part of living that kind of life involves being deceptive. He said he, “I love you” to women to achieve an end goal. Just because a man says he loves you does not make the affair okay. The words, “I love you” are just that….words. True love is an action. The man demonstrated his love to his wife and family by reconciling and stopping contact with Anonymous.

          And, as time goes by, Anonymous will come to understand that whatever love or friendship he did have for her, he showed by releasing her so that she could go and find someone for her own life. He knew he could not be what she wanted so he left her. Much better than stringing her on and on and on…….

      • Laughs, what about the retirement I attain for myself and my own grandchildren that I hope to have one day if my children choose to marry and produce, or just have a single life and produce – they count for nothing?

        I’m so glad that you flashed your real truth and convictions – not everyone on this earth chooses religion or faith as their spiritual path. Remember, many of us believe that Religion is merely a tranquilizer for the uneducated and weak masses, a means of thought control.

        Wholly and completely unrelated to fidelity in marriage, but if we are to continue this exercise in thought…

        How many wives did the men in the old testament have? How about the Muslim faith? Or do religions other than Christianity not count?

    • Anonymous
      I am so sorry to hear about your loss.

      May I offer a suggestion?

      There are some great websites out there that if you read will help you discover your truth.

      Try to stay in your logical brain instead of your emotional brain, however feel your feelings and do not judge yourself. I know it is easier said than done.

      It is a process to work through. Reading about grieving may help. Stay strong – tough situations tend to launch us humans into high EQ growth.

      Please take care of yourself and ask friends and family for support.

  13. Well I am no longer the other woman. Its kindz funny actually. But i ended up in the same place as my mm last nigt and he saw me before I saw him.He was out w another girl last nite..He ran out the back door like a coward.We have a mutual friend I ran in to who was out my guy n this girl.My friend told me to go to his table and my mm left the girl sitting at the table.. left her high &dry.Fed her some line bout his kidz..Poor girl… I knew he might stray from time to time but learned he had been seeing her almost the whole time.. I laughed.. I am not some supermodel but wheb I saw her.. I was like ,seriously… Just be prepared and stay safe ladies.

    • WOW!! Awkward (for him since you seem to be handling all this in stride)!

      At least, now you know what he was about and you can move on.

      Good luck to you!

      • Other Woman,

        You are advising Nlvwnjaguy to move on because her MM was seeing another other woman besides for her? Why?

        If a person chooses to date a married man, monogamy and honesty are not part of the equation.

        Did that man promise to be faithful to the other woman? Would she have been upset to see him with his wife? Really, I do not understand why she is mad? And your advice baffles me. Because the MM is seeing a second other woman that he is not married to, ONLY NOW other woman#1 knows what he is about? And only now she should move on? If that ideology were not so tragic, it would almost be comical.

        Other woman #1 knew “what he was about” when he cheated with her. Here’s a thought; imagine how the wife felt when she found out (or will find out) about either of the other women? She is the only person who should be upset.

        • Mrs Wife….

          You obviously misinterpreted my response to nlvwnjaguy. I did not “advise” her to move on….she said that she was no longer the other woman because she found out that the MM she was seeing was also seeing someone else. Just because a woman finds herself in a relationship with a MM doesn’t mean that a breakup is less painful than one would be if the man wasn’t married. Therefore, I told her that she now knows what he was really about which should allow her to move on. SHE was the one who said she is no longer with him. I didn’t “advise” it. I guess once again, you are working under your own agenda. Please don’t put words in my mouth (or on my “paper”).

          Also, even though I’ve explained this many times, you don’t seem to understand that affairs happen for a variety of reasons. In my case, and in many others, the marriage is over, but for whatever reason, divorce is not an option. In cases like that, monogamy and honesty ARE in the equation when it comes to the other woman and her married man. I know that the man I’m with is faithful to me, and I know that since the initial lies of omission in the beginning, he has been honest with me. How can I be sure? Well…it’s a matter of trust. Just like you must trust that your husband isn’t cheating on you. If we don’t trust and have faith in the ones we love, what do we have?

          I don’t know what the MM nlvwnjaguy was with told her about their relationship, nor do I know how long it lasted. I can only assume that he lied to her about her being the only one. If that’s the case, then she found out about his lie and ended the relationship. Honestly, if that happened to me, I would have done the same thing…even now, after 10 years.

          So, the next time you feel the need to comment, I wish you would actually read what I’m saying and not try to put your own spin on it.

  14. Other Woman,

    There are a few comments I will make. I didn’t spin anything. Though u DIDNT advise nlvwnjaguy to leave her MM as she wisely concluded being the other woman was a bad choice, you DID say that because she saw him with a second other woman, she was now able to understand his character. That implies that her adultery with the MM was okay or at least understandable. Common sense will dictate that the violation of the marriage began with the first other woman. Other women numbers 2, 3, etc., are as problematic as the first.

    I also read your response to my inquiry where I asked what spiritual beliefs you have, if any. You said that your spiritual beliefs were too personal to discuss with strangers. I find it unusual that discussing all the details of your adultery with strangers is not a problem. I understand why it is difficult to outline your spiritual beliefs. Cognitive Dissonance. That term refers to the dis-equilibrium or conflict a person feels when two opposing ideologies are unable to be balanced. In simpler words, a person cannot believe one thing but do the opposite and still have comfort in his/her life. There is no religion that condones what you are doing. Even religions that permit a man to have more than one wife require that all parties are in agreement. Would you live in the home of your MM as wife #2 if his current wife accepted you? Some Religious sects even have the current wives select the new wife. Apart from religion, your personal relationship with whoever you pray to has to be negatively impacted because you are not in harmony with righteousness. There is no spiritual balance to adultery.

    You declare that your MM’s marriage was over before you got there. A marriage is only over when the divorce is finalized in court or one of the spouses die. So in the eyes of God & the law and everyone else in the world, the marriage was not over then and is still not over now. Marriages can be very good, very bad and everything in between. And marriages, long term marriages, go thru good and bad patches. If they wanted out, they would get out. They are both clearly committed to living as husband and wife. You claim he stays because of his child. When that child leaves home, will u expect him to leave his wife? They are still a couple and you are still an outsider no matter how many family functions you attend.

    Also, your posts are contradictory at times. You said that you enjoy your time away from him and that you are content to just, “be the one who loves him”. Then why did you say it has been hard for you when he leaves you at night to be with his wife? Why do you want him to move in with you if you move to be closer to him? If you are content to just be the one who loves him, where you live should not matter. Why does it matter if he has another special lady (other woman # 2 or 3) besides for you? Your 12 years in show that you don’t require monogamy in a relationship.

    Lastly, you mentioned that you were impacted by Hurricane Sandy. I will make the assumption that you, and the MM live somewhere on the east coast. Where was your MM when it hit? Did he stay with you or his family?

    • Once again, Mrs Wife, you attempt to make this topic about religion. It’s not about religion…it’s about love. I really wish I lived in your perfect world where divorce is always amicable, not to mention affordable, but I don’t. A marriage is over when the love is gone. It happens. Maybe not in your perfect world, but in the REAL world, it happens. Sometimes, people marry for the wrong reasons (I certainly did) and then later find out that they made a mistake. Instead of divorcing, they simply lead separate lives, which is the case of many affairs/relationships with married people. Sometimes, it’s like the military’s “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. Stick your head in the sand and you don’t have to make a harsh life decision.

      As for my spiritual beliefs, I don’t discuss them here because, again, this blog is NOT about religion. People of ALL religions have affairs for whatever reason. How they “justify it” (as you say) is between them and their gods. I’m not here to judge. I will give my opinion when asked. I will never ask them to pray over their decisions because it’s not my place to tell anyone that they SHOULD be praying and which god or gods to pray to. Again….personal choice.

      As for my saying it WAS hard watching him leave me to go home to his wife, that was in the past. I’ve become more secure in our relationship to the point that I know that he goes home because he feels it’s the right thing to do for his daughter. I walk him outside to his car and we talk on the phone until he gets to an area where he loses service, which is about 5 minutes from his house.

      I’m really getting tired of saying the same things to you over and over again and this may be my last response to you and your nonsense. Not that it’s your business, but I don’t like living up north. However, where I am now allows me to walk to anything: stores, pharmacies, doctors’ offices, police department, etc. I do not have to deal with wild animals coming to my door trying to break in. I will never be “snowed in” for longer than a few hours because the plows are always running to get the main roads clear. If I can’t drive to the store for a few hours and need something, like I said, I can walk there. If I lived closer to my guy, I would be in the sticks, alone. Though at times I think I would embrace the solitude, there are things I don’t want to deal with by myself. Bears coming to my door is not something I would enjoy dealing with alone in the middle of the night. The only thing that would keep me up north is if he moved in with me. If he’s not ready to do that when I’m ready to move, I’m prepared to make it on my own down south, in civilization (meaning an area where I can walk/bike to anything I need).

      You obviously don’t know me because if you did, you would know that monogamy is important to me and I know that I am the only one my guy is seeing. Yes, a marriage can be over without a divorce. I have also stated how in the beginning, I tried to get my guy to try to make things right with his wife. She didn’t want any part of it. If she did, he would not be with me. He certainly doesn’t need the added yard work/house work that he shares with me. I know what you’re thinking: Of course it’s worth it for him because of all the sex he’s getting. That couldn’t be farther from the truth.

      As for Sandy…he was neither here or home; he was at work. He was there when the storm hit and he stayed there for a week working on getting everything back up and running after things got flooded out. How can I know for sure? Because he called me whenever he got a break (which was rare) and when one gets a call at 3 AM and hears co-workers in the background (yes, I know what they sound like), there’s a good chance that he IS at work. No…he did not “sneak out and go home” because the roads were flooded and they couldn’t get out. When he did get out, the first place he stopped was by me. Even through it all, he made sure there was a generator available for me because my power was out for over a week. I decided to tough it out without electricity, charging my phone and Nook in my car and going to the library in order to get my Internet fix (if you read all my posts, you would see this).

      So, whatever your opinion of me and anyone else who happens to fall in love with a married man/woman, you’re entitled to it. What you need to remember is that not everyone is as closed minded as you and the few others who keep commenting about how “wrong” we all are. Some people actually realize that this is NOT a perfect world and things happen. It doesn’t make us “wrong” or “immoral”, it makes us human.

      • OW,

        First you said that your religious beliefs were too personal to discuss. Then you said religion was not apart of the adultery discussion. If this is a forum for cheating, why not discuss all aspects of cheating? Do you only want positive posts about cheating?

        Believe it or not, most people do not agree with cheating. That is why General Petreaus and Elliot Spitzer had to resign, Clinton’s presidency was overshadowed by the Lewinski thing, etc., etc. You sound very much, like Rielle Hunter. She talked about her first nite with John Edwards as amazing and believed that he felt the same way too. His infidelity ruined his presidential aspirations and his reputation. Now that it has all shaken out, Elizabeth Edwards is dead. And guess what? He and Rielle are not together. According to her, they had this fabulous relationship and she offered something to him no other woman could offer him. Reality? She was just another affair and he refuses to commit to her despite the absence of Elizabeth.

        Are you expecting your MM to leave his wife once his child is out of the home? I asked that before but u DIDNT answer.

        I am not sure why you refer to my posts as nonsense. I am posing hard questions that are difficult to answer. Seems that common sense, morality, logic must all be set aside to defend your adultery. You use the same excuses for cheating that others use in wrong behaviors. “The marriage is over because they are not in love”. No it is not. People fall out of love in marriage. The marital vow is not until we fall out of love. The vow is til death do us part. Or they could divorce. But they haven’t. You cannot judge the love they have for each other because clearly there is enough to keep them living together as man and wife. And what if they fall back in the romantic love that you think is so important? Is the marriage back on? “I broke it off with him” No you didn’t. I broke up with a man before I got married. He was looking for a wife. I wanted to marry but not him. He was actually a very good man. Just not for me. We don’t have contact. I needed to release him so he could find what he needed in life. That’s a break up.

        You seem amazingly free of logic. What you do is immoral and wrong. Just because you said it is not does not make it so. I would respect your thought process a lot more if you said, “I don’t care if the relationship with my married man is immoral or wrong. I am doing it and I will not stop”.

        About your statement that the MM came to see you first after the hurricane. You said he was at work and not at home when Sandy hit. Uh, okay. Seems like your MM is a homeowner. He and the wife have vehicles (just assuming). He is staying in the marriage because of his precious daughter. And the wife cares for the daughter so he is vested in making sure that the wife is okay if for no other reason than that. I am just taking in that he did not check on his own home and vehicles, the daughter that is keeping him from leaving and the wife who cares for the daughter but came to see you first. I just have to file that in the same place as the marriage is over, what you do is not immoral or wrong and that your MM never lies to you. Ok, Rielle, ok.

        • Mrs Wife…

          What are you not getting about “religion has nothing to do with extra-marital affairs”????? It is not an “aspect of cheating”. People of all religious backgrounds cheat for many reasons. It doesn’t matter if those people are Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, Atheist, etc. Marriages fall apart no matter what you believe in spiritually. Also, if I wanted only positive comments, I would have not approved your posts (and some posts by others) and kept them off the site. Obviously, by approving your comments, I am showing that I’m making the negative comments visible also, therefore, giving them equal time.

          To answer your question “Are you expecting your MM to leave his wife once his child is out of the home?”, I HAVE answered it over and over again. No…I do NOT “expect” that. I have told my guy a while ago to never promise to be with me when his daughter becomes 18 (which, for some reason, men think is the “magic” age that will allow them to leave). I have made it clear that I don’t feel that the time will ever be right. There will be “I can’t leave because she’s going to college” or “I can’t leave because she’s going to graduate school” or “I can’t leave now because she’s engaged”, or “I can’t leave now because her wedding is so close” or “I can’t leave now because she’s pregnant”….the list goes on and on. I don’t need him with me. I also think I explained my reason for saying that if I am to stay up north, I would only do so if he were to move in with me, so I’m not getting into that again.

          Now, about Sandy…..Yes, my guy was at work when it hit. The storm was being tracked and all employees responsible for maintaining the plant were on lockdown from the Friday before it hit. I never said that he didn’t check in with his wife and daughter all during the storm. He also has neighbors who knew he was stuck at work and they checked in with his wife to make sure everything was OK. We are nowhere near a shore and he is NOT in any other flood area, so any damage to a home or vehicle would have been from falling trees, but all was well. His house also did not lose power through it all, but I was without power for over a week. When everything was done and the lockdown over, yes, he stopped by my house first even though he was exhausted from the workload of the week. My house happens to be on his way home. He made sure everything was OK here and helped me out with some minor issues, then he went home. He did not “neglect” his daughter and her safety. He had that well covered. So, once again, you are putting your own words to things I say by saying that my guy neglected his family.

          It’s also unfair of you to compare ALL extra-marital affairs to those public instances you love to reference. They are NOT all the same. Not all men/women involved with those other than their spouses are lying jerks. I believe that my man does not lie to me just as YOU believe your husband does not lie to you. He is also not seeing anyone else as you imply. If I am proven wrong, then I will deal with it. But, for now, we have a bond that you can never understand. You may feel that it’s “wrong” or “immoral”, but you don’t know everything we have been through together and you don’t know the love we share with each other.

          Marriages do end, though sometimes not on what YOU consider valid endings.

  15. The way I see it. If “J” has nothing better to do with her time, than type out books on a site that she doesn’t agree with, let her. I found this site because I needed others who think like me. There are plenty of sites that can and will tell me how horrible I am. When I feel I need that kind of advice, I’ll be sure to visit them. Until then, if she thinks her statistics are going to change how I (or anyone else) feels, then that’s her misfortune. Wikipedia is always looking for facts. She is welcome to try pushing her views on them.

  16. I have went back and read all the posts. I have not read that having feelings of love is wrong but maybe I am misinterpreting. I read that the behavior has more negative consequences than positive consequences for all who are affected.

    I am extremely confused because when someone points out the negative consequences immediately it gets spinned into judging(condemning). I actually see it as discernment.

    • No, J….

      Negative comments don’t ALWAYS get spun into judging. Judgmental comments get called out as such.

      I have never said that there are no negative consequences in any of this. Of course there are. I have had more than one conversation with my guy about how all this will affect his daughter in the future, but, as I’ve said, I have no say in how he and his wife raise their child.

      I’m sure all of us who are in relationships with married men or women think of all the “causes and effects”. We are not all selfish hos who only think of ourselves. As I’ve said, I have had many conversations with my guy about how this affects his daughter and how it will continue to affect her later in life. I can only give him my opinion. What he does with my input is HIS business.

      You need to stop putting every extra-marital affair into the same little box. It’s not like that. They are as different as the people involved. True, there are some men who will do and say anything to get laid. But then, there are those who are truly lonely and unloved in their marriages and the decision to be with another woman/man was not made lightly, or maybe not even thought of until the “right” person came along. It’s hard on everyone in different ways. This is what you don’t seem to understand.

    • What discussion, J? The one where you keep telling OW that we should all stop to give the guys we love a chance to grieve their marriages? Cause and effect? What did you want to “discuss” that hasn’t already been said? I’m open to any discussion that is open minded.

    • Really, J? You just heard that TODAY?!?!?! What did you do to discover this? Did you finally pick up a Bible and read it (if I remember correctly, it’s in Proverbs), or were you listening to one of the many televangelists that are on TV?

      Obviously, you believe that I feel that my relationship is indestructible (pride = over-confidence). I have said many times that even now, after so many years, I realize that my relationship can end for a variety of reasons. Maybe another Bible quote will be better for whatever purpose you want to accomplish. Perhaps Mrs Wife can help you find something.

      I also don’t see how this has anything to do with any “discussion” you would want to have on this subject.

  17. I was listening to a woman tell her story and she stated it. I came here to learn and grow and I keep visiting because I am learning a great deal about written communication. The assumptions people bring in their written responses and the assumptions the reader brings. There is no body language or tone to discern.

    I feel pride when I read a lot of the responses from numerous people. A lot of sarcasm. Not openness. A lot of hyper vigilance.

    I take it you know a lot about the bible? Is that correct? I do not.

    I am learning to check for understanding. No probably does not have a lot to do with subject anymore. I stated my value of children. We have a fundamental difference of beliefs. I let it go.

    I am willing to learn from anyone whether our beliefs are different or not.

    • Here is the issue, J….

      When you first started commenting, you were rude, obnoxious and self-righteous. I pointed that out to you, but you told me that I was just being “defensive”. However, when OTHERS pointed out your nasty behavior, you took it to heart and your entire attitude changed. For that, I thank you. Please forgive me for at times responding to your comments in a skeptical manner. I guess I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, and for you to go back to how you were in the beginning. I will try to forget the way it was and move forward.

      You have said over and over that the OW doesn’t care about the children of the MM they are dating. That is not the case. I have had many talks with my guy about how all this will affect his daughter in the long run. At this time, she is not “allowed” to spend the night at friends’ houses. Now that she is a teenager, I’m sure that will eventually change. I wonder what her reaction would be the first time she sees her friend’s parents going into the same room for the night. I wonder what happens when she starts dating and some boy tries to kiss her or hold her hand. That’s something she doesn’t see at home. There are no shows of affection, so the concept is foreign to her. I also know that some day, she will come to understand that her childhood was basically a lie. After all, she will remember going on vacations and birthday parties thrown for her every year and mommy and daddy sitting together at school concerts and such, but what happens when she realizes that they only did this to make her feel that the home was “stable”? When she finds out that daddy was seeing someone else, I know that I will be considered “the whore” who broke up her parents’ marriage.

      Yes, I care about the child. I have helped in finding the “sold out item” that she’s asked for for Christmas. I found the laptop that the school recommended that she get for homework. I drove around from store to store with my guy looking for things to get for “gift bags” for every birthday party she’s had since she’s 4. My MM uses my truck to bring whatever is needed home for these parties (water-slides, popcorn machine, snow cone machine, cotton candy machine) and have helped get everything together and loaded into the truck. After the party, he picks me up and we go to the warehouse to bring it all back. I’m the one who cleans the popcorn maker, cotton candy machine, snow cone machine once we get to the warehouse. His daughter knows none of this. My guy’s wife does nothing but “mingle” at the parties and once they’re over, she goes inside while my guy and their daughter clean and dry off the slides. He has to roll 1600 lbs of rubber by himself, unless he can get one of his cousins to come up to help. It doesn’t take much to clean a cotton candy machine…but not even that is done.

      As much as I do care about what will happen with this child in the future, I have no say. I can offer suggestions (after all, my kids have made it to adulthood even thought they are the product of a “broken home”), but ultimately, the decisions regarding her are his and his wife’s. They prefer to let her keep her head buried in the sand.

      As for knowing a lot about the Bible, I was kind of forced into learning because of judgmental born-again Christians (members of my family). They would give me the sugar-coated, kids’ versions of stories like that of Noah’s Ark and the Tower of Babel, so I actually re-read the Bible just to be prepared for their attacks. It was very strange when my cousin’s husband started an argument with me that the Earth was 6,000 some-odd years old and that man was on it from the beginning. When I brought up dinosaurs, I was told that “the devil” planted those bones to make us doubt the Bible. I find it very sad that their kids are now adults and have never been to the Museum of Natural History and I doubt that THEIR kids will ever be allowed to go. So much knowledge could be theirs….oh, well.

      So, if you have any honest questions that you would like answered, feel free to ask. Thank you again for the “adjustment”.

  18. Hi Bella Scelta, J and, of course, our hostess the OW,
    Thank you for your responses to my post and my apologies for the delay in writing again.

    I’m just dropping by to say that it is clear that every woman who reads/comments in this forum has strong opinions on the subject of extramarital affairs. And, on that note, I think that we all need to commend The Other Woman for creating a safe place where we can all express said point of views. It is my opinion (please note that I am using the word “opinion”, I am in no way saying that this is a fact) that women don’t communicate enough about this subject. It seems to be “taboo” and “improper”. Well, I don’t think that it should be since it exists, it’s out there and I’m sure that many will agree that, among other things, it’s refreshing to be able to make ourselves heard. Yes, we will disagree (it wouldn’t be much of a blog without some controversy), but we will also find some middle ground. I read J admit that she could have expressed herself more eloquently (that was very graceful by the way). I read the OW mention that she understands what I meant by adding doubt to her posts (and I’ve read her new post and it seemed to be a lot more balanced, so clearly she knows how to listen to others). I read Bella saying that she obviously cannot know anything 100%, but that it’s about faith (and I agree with her). And now you are all reading me saying this: thank you so much for the great research for my novel. This is proving to be invaluable to my creative process (my editor’s words, not mine).

    Something tells me that we are all intelligent, curious and interesting women who have a story to tell. And lucky for us, the OW has provided a space for us to do exactly that.

    Now, since there’s a new post, I’m going to comment on it and stop writing on this one! Lol! Hope to see you there.

    Gio

  19. I have enjoyed reading your comments on different situations. I have been the wife at home, (my husband spent a lot of time with prostitutes and eventually fell in love with one) ; and I have also been the OW when I met someone later that I fell deeply in love with. I spent every minute I had thinking/talking and loving this MM and he was the same with me. He is a soldier and was posted to Afghan and I supported him throughout, his next posting was Australia (I am in UK) and I was to manage without seeing him for 2 years. 18 mnths down the road I was struggling without seeing him and wanted more emails etc and I put pressure on him to make a decision – he chose to stay with his children and his wife because of the children – he didnt think he would get to see them or he would be able to work things out given his constant postings if he left the marriage. I miss him so dreadfully it is like a physical pain, and Im doing my best to move on. But he is still in my thoughts every day and I write letters to him that I do not send just so that I can express some of my feelings and let them out. I have never been unkind about his wife, we tried to share as little detail about their life together as possible and just focussed on our love for each other. I still love him 3 years after he has written goodbye and if he wanted to be with me I would be with him but I know he puts his young children first as he is a great dad. I wouldnt change anything about our meeting but I do find it hard to imagine I will ever meet anyone I will love so much ever again and that makes me sad sometimes. I date, and have lots of friends and keep busy but my life seems empty without him. My husband now lives in another country and we have an amicable separation. My children are now growing up , 25, 19 and 17 and will soon all be away from home. Eventually I will have to decide what Im going to do with my life and situation as I do not want to be alone like this forever and would like to be happy with someone. I have had lots of offers of marriage etc but have not wanted to get into a serious relationship with anyone as I just do not feel that I have met anyone that I love even a little bit and I want to love with my whole heart or not at all. Please be gentle if you comment as I have found this all a very painful (but would not have changed meeting him) process. thank you, Lisa

    • Hi, Lisa….

      Right now, you’re doing all you can by keeping busy, dating and going out with friends. It’s so hard to lose someone you love, but after 3 years, you really do need to stop feeling this empty without him. Have you had a chance to grieve the end of the relationship? If not, you need to do that. Do your friends know about this relationship? Are they the type of friends you could really have a heart to heart with, get a good drunk on and cry your eyes out with? If they are, do it!!! Take a girls’ weekend and get it all out of your system. Have a “relationship funeral” so to speak. You can’t erase him from your life, but you can lessen the hurt when you finally realize, in your heart, that it’s over. Unless you stop obsessing, you will not be able to open yourself to find another love.

      This man chose to stay with his wife and kids. It’s OK to remember what you and he had, but you also need to remember that he now has his life back on track (for better or worse). Now it’s time for you to do the same.

  20. I am the OW. Been with my MM for 5 years. His kids are grown and out of the house and there are 2 grandkids. He has no intention of leaving his wife, but they are mere roommates, and do nothing more than events with the “kids” and occasional dinners out at local places. She has absolutely no interest in any thing he does. We were great friends first for about a year….and then our relationship grew into best friends and lovers for the past 5 years. We never meant for it to happen….it just did.
    Nothing mean, nor manipulative about it. Various needs being met by all three parties….plain and simple.

  21. I’m the OW, and I am a married woman. I feel comfortable with what I have. Me and my lover know our boundaries and limits, we won’t ask more than we both could give. We love each other dearly. He said, I am the only person in this world who know the real him.
    Staying in a marriage sometimes is about taking a responsibility..
    Other woman…thank you so much for this site, and remember…there’s always haters everywhere we go.
    “Who are you to judge the life I live?
    I know I’m not perfect
    -and I don’t live to be-
    but before you start pointing fingers…
    make sure you hands are clean!” (Bob Marley)

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