Waste of Time?

I have friends who have asked me why I’m wasting my time being with a married man Someone looking to get married may consider this a waste of time, but I don’t.

When you’re with a married man, you need to accept that it is what it is. There are things you can’t expect. You can’t expect him to leave his wife for you because sometimes, it’s just not possible. You can’t expect him to pay your bills. You can’t expect to go on a real vacation with him. You can’t expect to be able to call him any time of the day or night. You can’t expect him to be with you on “family” holidays. If you don’t expect anything, whatever extra time you have with him is gold.

This past holiday weekend, my guy and I worked together every day, so he stayed with me from Friday night to Tuesday morning. That was unusual. He left me for a few hours on Saturday night to take his daughter to see the fireworks, but when he brought her home, he came back to me.

I see my man more then most “mistresses” see their men. He’s with me almost every day after work and almost every Saturday. He’s only not with me when he has plans with his daughter. I like spending time with him. We genuinely like each other. We could spend hours talking, we go to restaurants, we watch movies, we do yard work and house work, we take day trips. We also work together on some weekends. I don’t think many other “other women” get that much time with their guys.

So, if you know you’ll have a lot of time alone, you need hobbies! I read a lot, I play video games, I play volleyball, I take long walks, I go out with friends. I keep myself very occupied. How is this wasting time???? As I’ve said, I don’t want to get married again. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Right now, I’m in a relationship that gives me time to be alone to do what I want to do just for me.

Right now, there’s no one else I’m interested in. One thing I’ve been upfront about is that if I meet someone I’m interested in and have the opportunity to date, I will. After 8 years of being with my married lover, I will give him the option to either get our relationship out in the open (I mean with his wife since everyone else knows about us) or let me go. It’s only fair that I discuss this with him.

No, I don’t consider this relationship as a waste of time. A waste of time would be if I just sat home waiting for him to call or come over and let life pass me by. That’s not what I do. Yeah, it would be nice to go away with him every now and then, but I’ll take what I can. In the meantime, I’m enjoying my life.

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11 thoughts on “Waste of Time?

  1. Hi,

    As I saw your blog here, I can say that we are two for the road.

    I can see that almost all your situations here are also happening to me.

    We also have the same attitude towards life. I think you are “ME” in the other side of this world.

    Hope to talk to you soon. Stay cool and happy!

    Rock on!

  2. I just read all of your blogs from most current to the Happy New year one. All I can say is its good to finally hear from someone really going thru a lot of the same stuff, and who is willing to take what they can get from the one they want to be with. I too, am the “other woman” and have been for over a year. We’ve tried to end things a couple times but we never able to be really do it. My difference is that I’m having an affair with an openly gay married woman. And unfortunately I don’t get as much time with my girlfriend as you get with your man, and that leaves me sad and distraught at times. The last time we had true alone time together, able to make love and have more than maybe 20 minutes alone in a car – has been almost 3 months ago. I’ll get to see her in a few days finally, for a good few hours, but who knows how long I have to wait again for the next time. Yes there are times when I like the arrangement as it is. I have a 4 yr old daughter, I’m going thru my 2nd divorce (with a man), fully acknowledging that I believe I’m a lesbian and so ready and willing to be able to share my true self with the people I care about most. However, I can’t. Bc then my girl’s partner would suspect that I want to take her partner from her, and put a stop to our being “friends”. I have days like you had a few months ago, when I’m just having a horrible day and all I need is a hug and affection from someone I love and I’m unable to get it bc she has to be home with her wife. I’ve told her that I’m willing to accept things the way they are, despite my truly wanting things to be different one day. Part of me wants to be ok with the way things are, bc that will force me to really be alone or on my own for the first time in 10 years, and focus on me, my identity, the things I enjoy. But also every time I’m doing most of that, I spend a lot of my time missing her and wishing I could spend that time with her, doing those things with her. I find myself being jealous of the friends she spends time with outside of being around me – the people her and her wife hang out with. I feel like they are continuing to build on their relationship, and I’m left just waiting for when she’ll have time for me. I have moments when I feel like I can’t take this anymore, and that I deserve much better, but I retract milliseconds later, because I’ve never felt the way I do now.. so I believe I have to figure out how to accept the way things are and be happy with what I do get with her, than be hurting from nothing with her at all. She isn’t quite ready to end her marriage bc she does still enjoy spending time with her wife and doing things with her, and bc of her step son that she adores most of all that she doesnt want to lose, but she doesnt want to be intimate with her wife. I wish I had more time with her, like you do with your man. I’m so completely in love with her, and I feel like if I was able to walk away, I’d been able to do it already. I just don’t always know if I can handle this, always sharing her, never knowing if she’s giving her wife the love and affection and attention that I so desperately need from her. I try not to ask if theyre being intimate or anything because I just dont want to know. I’d rather not tear myself up over that stuff. Do you have any thoughts or advice on my situation, since you’ve been in a similar but different siutaiton for much longer than me? I appreciate it. And I appreciate you doing this blog. It’s the first thing in a year that I’ve been able to find online to help me, other than one book I read about women who are married to men that realize theyre in love with a woman. I hope to continue to follow your blog and see you continue to have happiness, and hope for my own as well.

    • Danielle….

      Right now, the only thing I can say is that you need to stop waiting around for her. You really do need to do things either alone or with other friends. I know it’s hard, but I found that the more I do without my guy, the less I dwell on the bad stuff. It used to be that I would just wait for him to call and I would obsess about it. Once I started making plans with friends, I stopped obsessing. It’s taken me a long time to figure that out on my own, so I hope this helps you get there sooner.

      I’m not saying to dump your girlfriend….just don’t be so available. Sometimes, they need to know that they are NOT the center of our universe! Think about what you want and where you want your relationship to go. You may decide that you need someone who can be there for you all the time. Just keep an open mind.

  3. First of all,
    Thank you for sharing your blog here; “other women” get a lot of criticism for their behaviour and it is so reassuring knowing OW are not alone, although they may feel it. I have recently fallen for a married man in an open relationship. I have only told my close friends, and although they’re overly happy for me, they do have their doubts – mainly about me getting hurt. I appreciate that because they love and care about me, but at the same time I don’t want to hear all the negative BS. Another credit to you here!

    The thing that gets me is his wife: she gets jealous very easily and although I don’t know her personally, we did meet on one occasion (not by accident). She didn’t take to me very well and clearly has suspicions about me and my “nature”. We have friends in the same circles and I worry that she might have a few of them spying on my online activity. Now I’m always treading on eggshells, double checking and over-analysing everything I do online, for fear it may come back and bite me in the future (you know what they say about karma). I don’t want that kind of pressure, and am even considering erasing the friends we share.

    As much as I love this man, I almost feel like saying to him,
    “I think you need to re-assess your open relationship with your wife” because, if it’s a mutual decision, she needs to either flush away her jealousy bug or think twice about her relationship with him. Honestly I can’t think of a more mismatched pair, they don’t want the same things and I get the impression he isn’t very happy with her. I don’t know if she has other lovers, he tells me it’s a “don’t ask, don’t tell” kind of thing.

    Back to the point tho, I’m scared of losing him if I tell him this, I feel like he’s the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time. Seeing each other in the flesh is hard as those occasions involve travel over land and sea. It has happened a few times but of course his wife is getting suspicious and this puts me in a state of physical and mental distress, which is not good. I really don’t want to brand this situation as a waste of time, but I feel that what I have with this man is worth a lot more than it may seem. We have talked about the future and it is a bright one, involving just the two of us. Unfortunately the time isn’t right for us to pursue that dream right now, but I want to hold on for him. And I don’t want anybody else.

    I hate to put you in an agony aunt position but I feel like there is no one I can really talk to about this. Again I praise your efforts and willingness to share your other womanly life with us. I find your posts very insightful and helpful, and will carry on following your blog. I also hope your happiness continues to blossom.

    • As always, I thank you for reading and sharing your comments. It was my intention to start this site as not giving judgments. No one can truly know what goes on inside anyone’s relationship.

      I have had many discussions with my guy about our situation. I’ve gone from giving ultimatums to just being content in where things are. If you have concerns about the jealousy issues your man’s wife seems to be having, you should be able to talk to him about it. It almost sounds like she’s not too keen on the open marriage thing. Or maybe you are the only one she feels can make her husband leave her.

      The only thing, in my opinion, that makes a relationship a “waste of time” is waiting. By that, I mean just sitting by the phone, waiting for him to call or waiting for him to see you. If you have a full life without him, there is no wasted time. We, as other women, should have both: a life with our men and a life of our own.

      Just know that any time you have concerns, or just want to vent….this is the place to do it! :-D

      • Thank you for the positive feedback! Always nice to know! I believe you could be right about my guy’s wife’s thoughts about their open marriage. Maybe she feels genuinely threatened by me.

        You’ll be relieved to know that I do not play the waiting game (as in waiting for him to get in touch). When we are apart we do lead different lives, even though we think of each other every day. I do keep busy by doing sports and being socially active with my friends. Like you said in another post, sometimes it’s difficult when I need him and he’s not there, but knowing his love for me is strong and true, I can take a deep breath, smile and give something else my full attention (like, a book!)

        Thanks again!

  4. I am so delighted I found your blog!!!! This is kinda new to me, although my boyfriend and I have been friends for a couple of years we have just recently made it “official” for lack of better words. We have loved each other for a while and I finally got the guts to own up to my feelings and thus here we are. We spend most of our time together however on the weekends I kinda leave him be, to do his own thing and spend time with his children. In any relationship you need to be your own person and have your own life outside of your relationship so the weekends aren’t like a lonely time per say. We’re not hiding or sneaking and honestly I doubt his wife would care since she left for another man and then came back when things didnt work out. We are happy and moving forward and the fact that we are such TRUE friends allows us to be comfortable to share all of our feelings, I will say I am not looking forward to the divorce proceedings because that is going to be stressful to him but I’ll be there to support him. Im glad I’ve got you gals that can relate and I can find encouragement in you as well because Im sure there will be some tough times…


    • I’m a firm believer in time apart. I think it helps strengthen a relationship. Too much togetherness is….well….too much!!! :-D

      You’re right…it helps to be friends with the one you love. Sometimes, people forget that part of a relationship. Everyone needs someone they can talk to, play with, laugh with or even cry with.

      I wish you both well when the divorce proceedings start because it won’t be easy for either of you. Just stand by your man and remember that whatever happens, he’ll need your shoulder.

  5. I found this blog after doing some “research” on what to expect being the “other woman”. I haven’t decided yet on weather to continue his “extra marital” affair with me or to put an end to it.

    I moved out about 9 months ago and are currently going through a divorce. Both my soon to be ex husband and I have now moved on and are seeing other people. I never thought after the heartache of losing someone you thought you’d be with forever wore off that I’d never feel again, let alone find anyone who’d want me ever again. I know this is stupid of me to think but the fact of the matter is that it’s the truth.

    He (the other man) befriended me on Facebook after many years of loosing touch. We have known one another since Jr. High and we even “dated” way back when. Our friendship/relationship never intentionally got off to a “let’s hook up” situation. He discussed with me at great legnths his story of being unhappy in his marriage and that he and his wife are done blah blah. We found many levels of our past and present situations that he felt like he could confide in me his story. He has sought advice from me being someone who has basically been through the same thing and we have have had several conversations about his fears, his past, present, and opening up about things that clearly were very traumatic things that have happened in his life. This turned into a friendly “hey lets grab a bite to eat” that turned into a few hours of us staring at one another incessantly and getting lost in each others words and stories. This has now turned into a cat an mouse game of emotions and feeling that I thought never possible on my end and supposedly on his end as well. Well, one night of a “short” visit turned into kissing, the next night turned into sex. Which brings us current.

    I have come to grips with my decision to be the other woman. I am having difficult with the whole “waiting” process. When is he going to call, when can I see him next etc…keep in mind I haven’t changed my life any. I am still keeping busy, I still go out with friends, I lead the same life I did before he came into it but the down time I have gets the better of me and I don’t know what to think nor what the hell I should do with this situation. The problem I have is that he makes me feel like no one has before. When he’s with me, he treats me like gold, does everything I have EVER wanted from someone and makes me happier than I have been in years. So what do I do? Truth of the matter is yes, I want to date him, I want to have him to myself, I want wake up with him instead of sending him home. Do I trust what he’s saying even though my odds are stacked hugely against me? Or do I stitch my wounds get out and move on. I can’t imagine life without him anymore but I know and I REFUSE to live this life 10 years down the road. I respect your situation and know that what is good for one isn’t right for everyone but I also find your situation to be a true honest non hollywood, biased, major news article writing opinion.

    I can say that I made a promise to myself that if indeed what he is telling me to be true of his situation with his wife that I will NOT let him go it alone no matter if we/I decide to continue with our “relationship”. I had no one in my corner, or a single person on my side through my divorce and he seemingly has no one to confide in as well. I find it easier to communicate with a person who’s been through it and I want to be there for him no matter what.

    Any advice, you have would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time.


    P.S: Any suggestions on myself attempting to start blog writing. I find it a bit like therapy to be able to write even if no one is reading. I of course would like to be reaching some people. If I could help just one person with any situation it would bring me happiness.

    • WOW!!! This brings me back to my beginnings as the OW. I never knew when I’d see him or when he’d call. It progressed from being friends who saw each other once a month to lovers/friends who are together a lot. I remember the days of waiting for that call, or hearing his car pull into the driveway. It’s taken a long time for me to come to terms with my situation and actually be happy with it the way it is. Sure, there are still times when I think I want to end it, but for the most part, I have the best of both worlds.

      As for advice, I like the old “Dear Abby” method of deciding what to do with a relationship. You ask yourself “Would I be better off with him or without him?” You weigh the pros and cons and if the pros win, you stay. If the cons win…..dump the dude!
      Every relationship is different and only the people involved know what they have and if it’s worth holding on to. Mine is worth holding on to.

      If you want to start a blog, a good place to begin is with Google’s Blogspot. It’s very easy to use and it’s FREE!!!

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